The Ultimate Joke Thread

Blondes are back!
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

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Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?
She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was Chinese.

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Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

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A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.

He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe r! eally hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

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A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a
hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the! blon de had tears streaming down her face.

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

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A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "That's ! a thermos . . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee".

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A man entered the ! bus w ith both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

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Saved the Best for Last!

This has to be one of the best blonde jokes around.
This should make all you technologically challenged people feel GOOD:

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

I'm pretty sure nobody will mind me double posting, at least for the sake that people will actually know that there's additional content now.

Why Guys Can't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them
had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line . If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum tubing onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter

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A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Miami Dade courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents, and he adamantly refused to live with her.

When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Miami Dolphins, whom the boy firmly believes, are not capable of beating anyone.

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Gloria Jokes:

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand
up!"

After a few seconds, Little Gloria stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Gloria?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

**************

Little Gloria watched, fascinated, as her mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" she asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said her mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

What's the matter?" asked Little Gloria. "Giving up?"

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A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Charles raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Henry was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Gloria, waving her hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know!
He's in our bathroom!"

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Gloria how she knew this was so.

Little Gloria said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on
the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

****************
The math teacher saw that little Gloria wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on her and said, "Gloria! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Gloria quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

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Little Gloria's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture
him."

Little Gloria asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

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Three bearded rabbis, dressed in long black coats, were playing golf. A guy named Mulhaney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome available.

So, he joined the rabbis and played 18 holes. When they finished, his score was 104. The Rabbis shot 69, 70 and 72.

He said, "How come you guys shoot such good golf?"

The lead rabbi answered, "When you lead a religious life, join and attend the right synagogue, you are rewarded."

Mulhaney, a true lover of golf, thought, "What have I got to lose?" He found a synagogue, converted to Judaism, joined the synagogue, regularly attended services and led a holy life.

About a year later, he again played golf with the three rabbis. He shot a 104 and they shot a 69, 70 and 71. Shocked, he said, "OK, I converted, joined a synagogue, live a religious life and I still shot a 104. What's the deal?"

"What synagogue did you join?" asked the lead rabbi.

"Congregation Beth Shalom," replied Mulhaney.

"You schmuck! That one is for tennis!"

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Three blondes were all applying for the last available position in the Detective Division. The detective, David, conducting the interview looked at the 3 of them and said, "So ya'll want to be a Gold Shield cop, eh?"

The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc."

So he stuck the photo in the face of the 1st blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The 1st blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the 2nd blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too!"

The 2nd blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the 3rd and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but......." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts... How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,
'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just
love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went
to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to
spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just
buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said,
'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a
pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I
was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a
tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine,
honey.'

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of
the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think
this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I
don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough
for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,
I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things
I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.... but at least
that bitch knows I'm smarter than her

Boobs vs. Willies
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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

Foxy... I hope you don't mind that I post the joke that you sent me this morning 😊 I'm STILL laughing so hard I can hardly see to type <hug>

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"The Special Diet"

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Andy, the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse for this stupid question, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again (have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story).

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!!

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore!!!!

Mooie darlin... I dedicate this joke to you and Bladen <giggle> 😉

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Why parents drink...

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."

lmao at that last one. Thanks Prr.

I actually did something like this when I was little. A friend of mine and I went to a neighbor's house to play, didn't come home for hours, and our parents had a neighborhood search out looking for us when it got dark. Mommy was maaaaaaaaad. She says Bladen acts just like I did (he's ROTTEN), so it looks like I have a lot to look forward to... lol

I couldn't resist hon... Bladen and you were the VERY first ones I thought of when I was reading that joke.

Ahhh... the trials and tribulations we go thru as... and with... kids 😊

A chubby, middle-aged, single guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program to start his New Years resolution. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape..

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine.."

He lost 63 pounds that week.

Lesson: Don't temp nor piss off li'l 'ol ladies 😊

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Two Garbage Bags
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A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Darn!' says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my backyard backs up to the parking lot of Lambeau Field. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes and right into my flower beds. So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone s ticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say '$20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!", laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "Some guys think I'm bluffing."

This IS a joke... 😊
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Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The I-Tit will cost $499 or $599 depending on cup size. This has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

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ROFL Prr! XD That was brilliant. 😛

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .. .

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Did you know that eagles mate for life?

Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a n ew mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is "I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!"

Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is, "I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!"

So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate.

This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....

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No, the duck didn't say THAT!!!! ... don't be SO disgusting!
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The duck said, "I am a DRAKE, you made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!

🙄. That was a strange joke Prrkitty.

* * * Sayings of a Jewish Buddhist: * * *

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life;
with the first sip, joy;
with the second sip, satisfaction;
with the third sip, peace;
with the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.

There is no escaping from karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.

The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself. The Buddha says, There is no self. So, maybe we're off the hook.

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Ponderisms:

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
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2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
3. OK.... so if the Jack sonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
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4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
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5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.
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6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
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8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
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9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? </ STRONG>
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13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
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14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
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15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me , they're cramming for their final exam.
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16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
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17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
</ FONT>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
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19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
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22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?
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23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
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24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells...
'THEIRS'?

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Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says,

"Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!"

Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

and so it does.

[font=courier]African Elephant[/font]

Hooked on phonics! Isn't it wonderful?

Here's my joke for the night 😊 If you can't laugh at this one you need to lighten up!

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It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed... so we're just waiting."

1. I didn't write these.
2. I love guys... so don't get me for man-bashing.

I can't deny though... that I laughed out loud at most of these 😊
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The Why's Of Men
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Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.

Q: Why don't women blink during sex?
A: They don't have enough time.

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They don't stop to ask directions.

Q: Why do men snore then whey lie on their back?
A: Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock.

** You KNOW you're laughing... aren't you!?!? **

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties.

Q: Why did God make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you make a final copy.

Q: How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?
A: Don't know... it's never happened.

Q: Why did God put men on earth?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

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Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart... Then you are just an old sour fart!!
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Now... on to the ladies.
-------------------------------

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied, "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

-------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

-----------------------------------------------------------

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

-------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN!!

--------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

-------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder... 'Instruction Manual.'

Life... explained...
------------------

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the su n , have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it..'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Musician Jokes
________________________________________
Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

Q: How many lead singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one and the all the light revolves around them.

Q: How many base players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: He can't do it, he's got a girlfriend!

Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: zero - they have machines that do that now.

Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."

Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek.

Perfect Pitch: When you throw a viola into the toilet and it doesn't hit the sides.

Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.

Did you hear about the Tenor who was so arrogant the other Tenors noticed?

Q: What's the difference between a Lawnmower and a Viola?
A: Vibrato

Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: The can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.

Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.

Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead trombonist in the road?
A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A vocalist.

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are to old and drunk and I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference. "

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, " You know, I think my girl was dead!"

"Dead!?", says his friend, "what makes you say that?"

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was lovin' on her."

"Could be worse. I think mine was a witch!"

"A WITCH?! Why the hell would you say that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window! Took my teeth with her!"

THE WEDDING TEST
-------------------

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter . Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Always keep your condoms in your car!

Hillary Joke:
------------

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is?

"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions:
First - Whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?

Second - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

Third - Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess. When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up.

Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.

"John."

"And what is your question, John?"

"I have five questions:
First - Whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?

Second - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

Third - Whatever happened to all those things yo u took when you left the White House?

Fourth - Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

Fifth - What happened to Kenneth?"

Before you read this... make sure you do *NOT* have *ANYTHING* in your mouth... your monitor will appreciate it 😊

-----------------
Lizard Birth
-----------------

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um ... ummm... errr... they masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just just ... excited?" my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh out loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its... teeny little " She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. he was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

What's for Dinner?
-------------------
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

"Well", he said, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams to her brother "Don't eat it... it's an ASSHOLE!"

Just found this one this morning:

A couple had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband&#8217;s habit of farting loudly first thing every morning as he woke up. The noise would shock his wife out of deep sleep and the odor would make her eyes water and cause her to gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn&#8217;t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards and all the spare parts&#8212;the gizzards, liver, and the neck&#8212;and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers down, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underwear and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a bloodcurdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture, she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, &#8220;Honey, you were right. All these years you&#8217;ve been warning me and I didn&#8217;t listen to you.&#8221;

&#8220;What do you mean?&#8221; asked his wife.

&#8220;Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.&#8221;

&#8220;But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.&#8221;

Woman's Rights!:laughing:

(P.S. I'm not sexist)

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded
into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the
driver notices the Pope still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would
you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they
never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a
cardinal, and now that I'm Pope, I'd really like to
drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do
that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should
happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd
never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be
something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a
smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope
climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets
his dec ision when, after exiting the airport, the
Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
(Remember, he's German.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried
driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal
until they hear sirens. "Oh, Dear God, I'm gonna lose
my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the
cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him,
goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I
need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that
he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big,"
said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit
of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John? "

Cop: " No Sir."

Chief: " Then what makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur.

--------------

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are
interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.


Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the
basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible.
Is that true? Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt."


Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.


Q: What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.


Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.


Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term
memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.


Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.


Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.


Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they
enter antique stores?

A: "Gosh, I remember these."

lol, my mom just sent me a good one!

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars"

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!"

Ode To Mustard...
---------------------------------

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Here, hold Johnny (our three-month-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first nd only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do - only I did it on my tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard... 'Poupon' ."