Just an idea, but since we get so many jokes told around here, why not put them all in one thread?
I'll start with a bunch you might enjoy.
-X-
A vicar is walking along a riverbank when he sees Frank, one of his congregation, loading his rod and tackle into his boat. 'Fancy a quick go, Vicar?' he asks.
'I can't today', comes the reply, 'I've got the Archbishop coming for lunch'.
But sure enough, 5 minutes later the pair are out in the water fishing. Suddenly, Frank gets a massive bite and he and the vicar spend the next half-hour wrestling the thing aboard. 'Look at the size of that fucker!' says Frank when the monster finally lies defeated on the boat.
'Frank', tuts the vicar, 'it really is a prize specimen but the use of such language is unforgivable!'
'You don't understand Vicar,' says Frank, thinking fast. 'This fish really is called a Fucker. Er... why don't you take it home for the Archbishop's lunch?'
The vicar accepts and offers his thanks, and so 15 minutes later he returns to the vicarage and smacks the fish down onto the table. 'Look at the size of this Fucker!' he exclaims to his housekeeper.
She's shocked. 'A fine fish it is, but I can't believe you'd use such language in the vicarage!' The vicar explains that it's the name of the fish as he cleans the thing up, and so, slightly happier, she takes the fish from the vicar and takes it to the kitchen to cook.
Soon the Archbishop arrives and sits down to lunch with the vicar. In comes the housekeeper with the cooked fish, and the Archbishop remarks at its size. 'Oh', says the housekeeper, 'well, Frank caught the Fucker, the vicar cleaned the Fucker up and I cooked the Fucker for your lunch!'. The Archbishop beams, kicks off his shoes and starts rolling up a joint. 'You know', he says, 'you bastards are all right.'
-X-
A man walks into a bar ('Ouch!'😉 and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses on the bar and fills them all with Scotch. Quickly the man downs them one after the other until he's gotten through all 12.
'So', says the bartender, 'what are you celebrating?'
'My first blow job', says the man.
'Well then, let me buy you one more!' the bartender smiles.
'Nah, thanks', says the man. 'If 12 doesn't get rid of the taste, nothing will.'
-X-
Standing at a urinal, one man turns to the guy next to him. 'Excuse me', he says, 'but I couldn't help noticing you've been circumcised.'
'Er, yes', says the other man, somewhat baffled. 'I am Jewish'.
'And your surgeon was Dr Abraham Winklehock, right?'
The second man is amazed. 'Yes! But how on earth did you know? It was over 30 years ago!'
'Bastard never could cut straight,' says the first man. 'You're pissing on my shoe.'
-X-
A man isn't getting on very well with his wife, and thinks that getting a pet that they can both care for will help. After mooching around the pet store he suddenly spots a parrot on a small perch. It doesn't have any legs, and thinking out loud, the man mutters 'Huh. Wonder what happened to you, little guy.'
To his surprise, the parrot responds 'It was a birth defect.'
The man is amazed. 'You understand me?'
'Every word', the parrot replies. 'I'm a highly intellegent and thoroughly educated bird.'
'Okay', says the man. 'But... how do you hang onto your perch?'
Somewhat embarrassed, the parrot replies 'Well, you can't see it for my feathers, but... I use my penis as a sort of... well, hook'.
The man is amazed, and after a few minutes chatting realises that the bird is more educated and friendly then some of his friends. Making his mind up, he looks at the price tag, only to see to his dismay that it reads �200. The parrot notices his concern and motions the guy closer with his wing. 'Look mate. The owner's desperate to get rid of me, cause of my... condition. Just make an offer, he'll take it.'
So the man makes an offer of �20 and, sure enough, he walks out of the store with the parrot. Weeks go by and the bird is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathises, gives good advice and he even helps the man and his wife get closer again. The man is delighted - until one day, when he comes home from work and is beckoned over by his multicoloured friend.
'Look mate, I feel awful about this, but I think you ought to know about your wife', he wispers to the man. 'See, the postman came to the door this morning and... well, she was waiting for him in that sexy nightie you bought her last Christmas.'
The man is shocked, and presses him for more information. 'Well, they started kissing and the postman... well, he lifted up the nightie and started rubbing her breasts.'
'Ah no!' exclaims the man. 'What happened then?'
'He... he tooks her nightie off and started kissing her breasts... then he started moving down and...'
The parrot pauses. 'Then what? What happened next?' says the man frantically.
'I don't know', says the parrot, sheepishly. 'That's when I fell off my perch.'
-X-
A little blind girl goes up to her mum. 'Mummy', she says, 'when will I be able to see?'
Smiling kindly, her mum replies 'I'll tell you what. I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes. You should be able to see tomorrow morning.'
With the little girl jumping excitedly, the two head out into town. They return with the cream and that evening, the mother rubs the balm onto her little girl's eyes. 'Aah, Mummy!' cries the girl. 'It stings!'
'Be brave' consoles her mother, and wraps her head in bandages before putting her to bed. The next morning the little girl tumbles into her mum's bedroom. 'Quick Mummy', she says, 'take off the bandage!' And so, slowly, the mother peels off the bandages while her daughter braces herself for the big moment. 'But Mummy' says the girl once the final bandage is removed, 'I still can't see.'
Her mother smiles sympathetically. 'Yes dear' she replies, 'April Fool.'
-X-
Ted's a bus conductor, until one fateful morning when he tells the bus driver to pull away as a frail old lady is boarding. Tragically she's killed. Ted is convicted of manslaughter and, residing in Texas, faces death by electric chair. 'Any last requests?' asks the executioner.
'Well', says Ted, 'I see you've an unripe banana there. Mind if I have it?'
The executioner agress, Ted polishes off the fruit and the switch is flipped - but when the smoke clears Ted is still very much alive. Not sure what else to do, the authorities set him free and before long ted is back on the buses... then disaster. The same accident befalls another commuter. Ted is once more sent to the chair, once more gobbles down an unripe banana and once more survives.
He returns to society again, but tragedy! Three children are pulled under the bus and it's back to the chair. Come last request time the executioner produces an unripe banana and a few minutes later, Ted's ready. The switch is thrown, all the prison lights go out... and there's Ted, fit as a fiddle.
'Why won't you DIE?' screams the executioner. 'It's that fucking banana, isn't it!'
'No', wimpers Ted. 'I'm just a really bad conductor.'
-X-
Let's keep 'em coming!