The Ultimate Joke Thread

... because an elephant never forgets. Heh. Cute.

" -x- "

Subject: Men Beware!

Latest scam, and according to Snopes. com, this one is real.

Guys need to be careful. I am a victim of the latest scam which is
happening in parking lots of Kings Supermarkets.

Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking. One
starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your
window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse. While you're distracted, the other one lets herself in the backseat. Then both are begging you for a ride home.

Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants. This is when they steal your wallet.

I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

I couldn't find them on Saturday.

Ladies, please pass this warning on to your husbands if they tend to do alot of the food shopping. Thanks

...

Okay, this one's a new one. o.o'

[center]13 Reasons Not To Drink
(330 KB - Contains 13 images.)[/center]

Enjoy. 😛

Three guys check into a hotel, but the clerk tells them that since the lodge is fully booked, they'll have to share a bed. Tired and sleepy, the men agree.
Next morning, the guy who slept on the left says 'Man, I had the most vivid dream last night. I dreamt I was having a wank!'
'You too?' says the guy on the right.
The guy in the middle is pretty weirded out by this. 'You're both disgusting' he says. 'I had a perfectly ordinary dream. I was skiing.'

-X-

Driving his car through the countryside, a middle-aged man spots a naked youth with his arms tied around the trunk of a tree. The driver slows and winds his window down and he hears the kid crying for help. After looking round to check it's not some sort of trap, he gets out the car to investigate.
'Oh thank God!' the young man cries. 'I've had a terrible day!'
'I can see that' says the driver, noticing the bruises and whip-marks on the guy's back. 'What the hell happened?'
'Well' moans the young man, 'I was driving along when I saw this young woman in a pair of cut-offs and a bra hitch-hiking. I stopped to give her a lift, and as soon as I jumped out to put her rucksack in the boot, two huge guys jumped out from nowhere, stripped me, tied me up, beat me, nicked all my stuff and drove off in my car!'
'Oh dear' says the driver, unbuckling his belt. 'It's really not your day, is it gorgeous?'

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study. The Canucks didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00, the Canadian study was complete.

They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as " Sinko de Mayo."

A guy is talking to his friend and says 'Man, I made the most embarrasing mistake yesterday! I went to the airport and the woman behind the counter had these beautiful huge knockers, and I asked her for two tickets to Tittsburgh!'
'Yeah, I know what you mean' replied his friend. 'Just the other morning I meant to ask my wife to pass the salt and I said 'BITCH, YOU RUINED MY LIFE!'

-X-

Declan the humble crab and Katie the lobster princess were madly and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship, until one day Katie scuttled over to Declan in tears.
'We can't see each other any more' she sobbed.
'Why?' gasped Declan.
'Daddy says that crabs are too common' she wailed. 'He says that no daughter of his will marry a creature that walks sideways.'
Declan was shattered, and walked away to drink himself into oblivion.
That night, the great lobster ball was taking place. The lobster princess refused to join in the moment, despite the encouragement of her father. Suddenly the doors opened and Declan the crab strode in. The dancing stopped and all eyes were on Declan as he made his was to Katie's father. All could see that he was walking forwards. Step by step he made his was over to the throne and looked the King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush.
'Finally, the crab spoke. 'Fuck, I'm pissed.'

-X-

Three lads are enjoying a quiet night in a oub when a fourth stumbles in and orders a beer. Spying the group, the drunk stumbles over, points at one of the boys and shouts: 'I've had your mum!'
The lads ignore him and return to their pints. He shouts up again: 'Up the arse!'
Although irritated, they ignore him again. The drunk stands up again, points at the boy and yells: 'Your Mum sucked my cock last night!'
The boy looks up wearily. 'You're drunk, Dad. Go home.'

-X-

A teenager comes home from school and asks his dad 'What's the difference between potential and reality?'
His dad says 'I'll show you, Go ask your Mum if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid, then ask your sister if she'd sleep with Orlando Bloom for a million.'
Ten minutes later, the teen comes back. 'I've got it. Potentially we're sitting on two million quid - but in reality we're living on a couple of slags.'

Tech Support Humor - It's Not There

There are several user-types, but I think the one I fear the most is the It's-Not-There user. Unfortunately for me, the worst case of It's-Not-Thereism I know of is my own brother (a former engineering student believe it or not).

Here's a sample conversation with a typical It's-Not-There user:

Tech: Ok, now click on the "Edit" menu

User: It's not there.

Tech: Alright, (slowly) do you see the word "Edit" there on the screen?

User: It's not there.

Tech: Errr... (becoming angry) do you see the long horizontal thing with the words on it?

User: It's not...

Tech: (now breathing funny) "File"... "Edit"... "View"...

User: Oh, you mean THAT thing!

Tech: Yes, that thing. Now click on the word "Edit"

User: Sorry, I was clicking on the menu down at the bottom. I didn't know you meant THAT menu. Ok, I clicked on it.

Tech: (long pause) Now click on the word "Copy".

User: It's not there.

Tech: (incoherent screaming)

-x-

Liar Sermon

"Folks," said the old priest, "the subject of my sermon this evening is liars.

How many in the congregation have read the 69th Chapter of Mathew?"

Nearly every hand in the audience was raised.

"You are just the folks I want to preach to," said the priest. "There ain't no 69th Chapter of Mathew."

-x-

Human Stupidity:

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)

On some Swansonn frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert😞printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (Really???)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (I'm glad they cleared that up...)

On a childs superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

In a Laundromat : Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

On a Church Door : This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)

Quicksand Warning : Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

Seen during a Conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Notice in a Field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

On a Repair Shop Door : We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

-x-

Who is Better

Two gods, Karbara and Mula, were arguing with each other on who is the most famous in the human community. The arguing continued all day and night. Since they could not come to a decision, they agreed on a simple test.

There are two trees in the park with a path between them. Karbara will tie a thin strong string between the trees such that if anyone walks on the path, they're doomed to trip and fall. The test here is the name of the god the person will shout when the person trips.

The first guy came along, and tripped on the string and cried "Oh Karbara!". Karbara gave a smile to Mula who gave back a rude face.

The second guy came along, tripping on the string and cried "Oh Mula!". Mula gave a smile to Karbara who gave back a rude face.

The third guy came along, and tripped on the string and cried "Which idiot tied this here?".

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and Mother Superior's last instruction is that they must not get a drop of paint on their new habits. After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door, strip off and work in the nude.
Halfway through the project, there's a knock at the door. 'Who is it?' cries one of the nuns.
'Blind man' comes the reply.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, unlock the door and let him in.
'Nice tits' says the man. 'Where do you want these blinds?'

-X-

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class, when suddenly the man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and tells herself she just imagined it.
A few minutes pass and suddenly the man sneezes again. Then he gets out his member and wipes off the tip. The woman is seething - she can't believe such an ncouth person exists.
A few more minutes pass and the man sneezes once again, going through the whole routine again. By now the woman has had enough. 'What the hell do you think you're doing?' she demands of the man.
'I'm so sorry to have disturbed you ma'am' the man apologises. 'The fact is that I have a very rare condition. Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm.'
The woman looks agast. 'I'm so sorry! What are you taking for it?'
'Pepper.'

CHINESE PROVERBS!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An Irishman's been drinking at the pub all night. When he tries to stand up he falls flat on his face. He tries to strand again, with the same effect. So he figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air, maybe that'll freshen him up. Once outside he stands up, and falls straight back down again.
So he decides to crawl the four streets to his home. When he arrives he stands up at the door and duly falls over again. He crawls through the door and up to his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he makes one last effort to get erect. This time he manages to pull himself upright, but he quickly falls into bed and is sound asleep in moments.
The next day he awakens to find his wife over him, shouting 'You've been out drinking again!'
'What makes you say that?' says the Irishman, putting on an innocent face.
'The pub called' says his wife. 'You left your wheelchair there again.'

Non-English speaking countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists:

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At the Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctor 's office , Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a Nairobi private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

In Aamchi Mumbai restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

The best!!! In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

Another, the best!!!! In a Japanese cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES

With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up at the local asualty ward and a hippie is wheeled out on a gurney. The doctor questions his long haired colleagues. 'So what was he on then?' asks the physician. 'Acid? Cannabis?'
'Sort of...' replies one of the hippies. 'But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff.'
'And what was in that?' asks the doctor.
'Uhh... we kinda raided my girlfriend's spice rack' says the hippie. 'There was a bit of cumin, some tumeric and a little paprika.'
'Well, that explains it' says the doctor gravely. 'He's in a korma.'

Modern version of the birds and bees

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway.
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male. �

A man and his local vicar were playing golf. The man was having a terrible time on the green and kept missing crucial three-foot puts. The third time he missed one, he exclaimed 'Fuck, missed!'
'You should curb your language, my son' the vicar commented, 'or God will strike you down.'
At the next hole, the man missed another sitter, and again cried 'Fuck! Missed!'. The vicar again warned him about the virtues of an unclean tounge.
At the next hole the man missed yet again. 'Fuck!' he wailed, 'Missed again!' The vicar was livid. 'May God have mercy upon your soul, my son, for surely the Lord will strike you down.' As he was speaking, dark clouds built up over the green, and no sooner had the vicar fallen silent than an enormous bolt of lightning forked down... and turned the vicar to ash.
'Fuck!' came a booming voice from the heavens. 'Missed!'

Gifts from God:

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen."

this thread is the ultimate joke

You're the Ultimate Joke.

A man goes into his young son's bedroom to check if he's alright after hearing a scream in the house. He finds the lad having a nightmare, so he wakes him up. The boy, shivering, says he dreamt that Aunt Susie had died. The father assures him that Aunt Susie is fine and tucks him back up. The next day, however, he gets a phone call - his sister Susie has died after falling down some stairs.
A week later, the lad has another nightmare - this time that his grandfather has died. The father assures the son that his granddad is fine and gives him a glass of warm milk to help him back to sleep, but sure enought, the next day his father has a heart attack and dies.
One week later, it's nightmare time once more - and this time the boy says he dreamt his daddy had died. The father assures the son that he's fine and tucks him back in.
The next day the father awakes, pertified. He's sure he's going to die. After dressing, he drives cautiously to work, fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch for fear of food poisoning. He avoids everyone, for sure that he'll somehow be killed, jumping at every noise, starting at every moment and hiding under his desk.
Upon getting home at the end of the day, he has to unburden himself to his wife. 'I've just had the worst day of my life!' he exclaims.
'You think your day was bad?' his wife replies. 'The milkman got run over this morning.'

Yeah, Breaker is definitely the funniest SMod here. 😛

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.... ..equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and says 'Ah, I see you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place, I'm afraid'. So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is let in with barely a second glance.
Pretty soon thoguh, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell and starts designing some improvements. Before long they've got air conditioning, fulshing toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God gives Satan a buzz on his mobile and says with a sneer 'So, how it's goin' down there?'
'Hey, it's going great!' replies the Devil. 'We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets, escalators, you name it! I can't wait to see what this engineer's gonna come up with next!'
Shocked, God says 'WHAT? You've got an engineer down there? Saint Peter musy have screwed up - he's not supposed to be down there! Send him back up!'
'No way!' replies Satan. 'It's never been better down here thanks to this guy! You're nuts if you think I'm getting rid of him.'
'Send him back up here now or I'll sue you for everything you've got!' yells God.
Satan laughs like there's no tomorrow. 'Who with?'

A woman from New Jersey and another woman were seated side-by-side on an airplane. The woman from New Jersey, being friendly and all, said: So,where are you from?"

The other woman said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The woman from New Jersey sat quietly for a moment and then replied:

"So, where are you from, bitch?"

-x-

This is actually real. It's not really a joke. It's just pretty funny for justice. 😛

To those of you who are not familiar with Joe Arraio, He is the Maricopa Arizona County Sheriff, and he keeps getting elected over and over again. This is one of the reasons why:

Sheriff Joe Arpaio (in Arizona) who created the "tent city jail":

He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.

He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights Cut off all but "G" movies.

He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects.

Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.

He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked! up the cable TV again only let in the Disney channel and the weather channel.

When asked why the weather channel he replied, so they will know how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs.

He cut off coffee since it has zero nutritional value.

When the inmates complained, he told them, "This isn't the Ritz/Carlton If you don't like it, don't come back."

He bought Newt Gingrich' lecture series on videotape that he pipes into the jails.

With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record), the Associated Press reports: About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts.

On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before.

Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their pink socks.

"It feels like we are in a furnace," said James Zanzot, an inmate who has lived in the tents for 1 year. "It's inhumane."

Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to wear full battle gear, but they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your damned mouths!"

Way to go, Sheriff! Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to go out and commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.

That's pretty damn awesome. 😛 *Checks E-mail for more jokes*

-x- (Apparently.)

Ariel Sharon came to Washington for meetings with George W. and for a state dinner, Laura Bush decided to bring in a special Kosher chef and have a truly Jewish meal. At the dinner that night, the first course served is matzo ball soup. George W. looks at this and after learning what it is called, he tells an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew. The aide says that Mr. Sharon will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it. Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all, he ate sheep's eye in honor of Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and retrieves a piece of matzo ball and some broth. He hesitates, then swallows. A big grin appears on his face. He finds that he really likes it, and digs right in and finishes the whole bowl.

"That was delicious," Bush says to Sharon. "Do you Jews eat any other part of the matzo, or just the balls?"

*sigh* ... Okay guys, I've got more. 🙄

Golden oldie . . .

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

12 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Okay, this one's slightly dirty. (Eh. I'm sure you can all handle it.)

A man was standing in line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and
said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said:

*sigh* "Cleanup, Register 5"

A rich, lonely widow decides she needs a man in her life, and so places an advert in the local paper. It reads: Rich widow looking for kind man to share life and fortune with. Must never beat me up or run away - and must be great in bed.
For several months her phone rings off the hook and applications pour through the letterbox - but none seem to match her qualifications. Then, one day, the doorbell rings and when the door is opened the woman finds a man with no arms or legs lying on the welcome mat.
'Who are you?' she asks, perplexed. 'And what do you want?'
'Your search is over' says the man. 'I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up, and I've got no legs so I can't run away.'
Unconvinced, she replies 'So what makes you think that you're so great in bed?'
He looks up at her smugly. 'Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?'

Lawl!

Bushisms:

Can the English language survive after Bush?

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country. "
- George W. Bush

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- George W. Bush

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'. "
- George W. Bush

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
- George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow. "
- George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world. "
- George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
- George W. Bush

" We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe We are a part of Europe."
- George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."
- George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
- George W. Bush

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. "
- George W. Bush

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
- George W. Bush

" Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
- George W. Bush

" It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. "
- George W. Bush

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
- George W. Bush

I don't care if you've heard them before, nor do I care who actually said it. Correct at your own convenience, while remembering that they're just jokes. If you don't know that, GTFO and look elsewhere for your politically correct humor.

-x-

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to g o to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced.

So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laugh ed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward!

who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Where'd you get the crappy hairdo?

Some reader letters from the pages of Viz. You may be offended by one or two of these. You have been warned...

On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me like a Princess. He was as good as his word. He took me for a meal, got completely pissed and on the way home crashed the car into a concrete pillar at 120mph, killing me instantly.

-X-

What you don't know can't hurt you, or so we're told. Well last week I didn't know that a wasp had crawled into my slipper, and it hurt a great deal. Once again, the so called experts get it wrong.

-X-

Men live to an average of 70, whilst women carry on till they're 78. On my 70th birthday I fully intend to have a sex change operation in order to claim my extra 8 years. And I jolly well expect the NHS to pay for it!

-X-

If smoking is so bad for you, how come it cures salmon? Perhaps Tony Blair and his so-called 'New Labour' cronies could give us a straight answer to that.

-X-

Why oh why does Jerry mouse's cousin keep sending his kids to stay with Jerry despite the fact that he is almost constantly being chased by Tom the cat? Invariably their holiday consists of nothing more then a non-stop series of cat and mouse antics from which they are lucky to escape unscathed.

-X-

In the bible, why do they always use a capital 'H' on he or Him or His when referring to God, even if it's in the middle of a sentance? Does he get annoyed if you spell it with a little 'h' like I just have, and if so the what's he going to do about it?

-X-

Britain is littered with war memorials dedicated to 'Those who have laid down' and 'Those who have fallen' during two world wars. Has anybody considered building a monument to the poor sods who weren't bone idle or too clumsy to keep their footing and who actually got shot?

-X-

They say that laughter is the best medicine. My grandad had got Parkinson's disease and we've been laughing at him for months now, and he still hasn't got any better. So much for that theory.

-X-

I've just been struck by an enormous bolt of lightning. I am covered with boils and my house is full of frogs. I strongly recommend that when referring to God, always use the upper case 'H' on all personal pronouns.

-X-

I've got 58 pence to my name and I live in a cardboard box in Peterborough. With her huge overdraft, the Queen mum is �4 million worse off then me, yet she lives in 5 castles, has tons of jewelry and manages to keep on a huge number of staff. I'm not a communist or anything, but I wonder if someone could offer me an explanation.

-X-

To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's Worst Serial Killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name then any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr Shipman is 'Britiain's BEST Serial Killer'. Someone like Colin Stagg, who not only was arrested in connection with only one killing, but then turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'.

-X-

So a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, does it? Well, I'm an insulin dependant diabetic, and after following this advice I am now two months into a life threatening hyperglycaemic coma. Thank you very much, Mary fucking Poppins.

-X-

Why do old people insist on referring to World War I as 'The Great War'? Surely World War II, with its higher death toll and use of atomic weapons, was loads better.

-X-

There has been a proliferation his summer of car stickers informing us that 'Dogs Die In Hot Cars'. Thanks to this advice, I saved �45 in vet bills when I had to have my alsation put down when it got distemper.

-X-

I am a burglar, and recently, whilst in the act of nicking a load of stuff from an old widow's house, I tripped on the edge of her rug, spraining my ankle quite badly. I was unable to burgle for three months, so I called the Accident Help Line. The fixed me up with a greedy lawyer who got me �50,000, as her carpets should have been better secured to the floor. All that and her pension book too. What wonderful times we live in.

This is a true story that never happened.

A few friends and I had just gone swimming and were in the locker rooms changing back into our clothes, when the cell phone on the bench next to my friend's clothes goes off. He picks up the phone as he continues to change, says "Hello?" The person on the other end is loud enough to hear, so we can't help but listen in as they converse. It sounds like a woman on the other end. Judging by the coversation, we assume it to be his wife.

Hello?
Hi honey, you'll never guess what happened on the way home from work today!
... What?
Well, you remember that leather jacket I found yesterday that looked so good on me? Well I found it on sale for $1,000! Do you think I could get it since it's so cheap now?
.. Sounds like a good deal to me, I guess. Go ahead. :shrug:
Oh! While we're here, remember that Mercury Sable we saw for $75,000? Well now it's only $65,000!!! That's SUCH A good deal! I'm going to get it, okay honey?
... Uh, I guess that sounds like a good deal. If it'll make you happy, I guess.
Oh honey you're the best! Oh! I have even better news! Remember that 1.2 million dollar house that went off the market a few months ago? Well it's back on! We can get it now if we hurry! So what do you say darling?
Sounds good!
Oh you've made me the happiest woman on earth! *click*
...
So we're all standing around, looking at him.
"How the hell can you spend so much money? You already have a car, a nice house, and a leather jacket! Don't you have any restraint at all!!?!

He just looks at us; blinks, ... and asks, "Who's cell phone was that?"

More jokes!

[center]The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Side of Life:[/center]

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. : Bad it's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than your wife.

6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your 10 year old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.

7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend.

8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Thoughts become things... choose the good ones!�

Some more letters from Viz:

I know that supermarkets try to make the 'shopping experience' more pleasant by instructing checkout staff to engage in banan chat. But when I want to hear the views of a urine fragranced geriatric racist, then I'll head to the local canal underpass and while away the hours with the local wino. At least their views on who's worst, the Japanese Yakuza or the Chinese Triads, extends to a greater debate then 'send the lot back where they came from'. So thanks to Sainsbury's in Glasgow's west end, for emplying people who would make David Irving blush. Thanks a sodding bunch.

-X-

For Valentine's day this year, I cooked my bird a microwave curry, popped the new Westlife CD on and did her from behind for the duration of the first three songs. Who said romance is dead?

-X-

My husband plays a joke on me every April Fool's day. Last year I was determined not to be caught out, but lo and behold he tricked me again. Knowing I like cats, he woke me at 3:00 and told me there was a basket of kittens stuck on our chimney. I immediately climbed out the window and shinned up the drainpipe onto the roof. When I got there and saw nothing but the television aerial I realised I had been had, but the joke wasn't over. When I got back into my room the cheeky devil had filled my slippers with broken glass! I'm determined he won't get me this year.

-X-

These days most shops have wheelchair access, but once inside the shop, the needs of the disabled are all but forgotten. Whilst in my newsagents the other day, I realised how difficult it must be for someone in a wheelchair to purchase a top-shelf magazine. They would have to ask someone to pass it down, which would cause great embarrassment. Wouldn't it be a good idea if newsagents had a pneumatic ramp by the magazines to lift wheelchairs up to the top shelf. It could be fitten witg flashing lights and a klaxon to warn other customers to keep clear of the mechanism when in operation.

-X-

(My favourite so far) On the 11th September last year, I moved into a flat with my girlfriend and, knowing full-well I would be expected to remember the anniversary of us moving in together, I was wracking my brains to think of a way to remember the date. Imagine my relief when I finally got the TV wired up in our new living room and saw the tragic events unfolding in New York, on a day that none of us will ever forget for many years to come. Thank god for international terrorism!

Religion and the Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment they would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you! KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

President Bush is visiting a school where a class is discussing words and their meanings. The teacher asks Dubya if he would like to lead a discussion of the word 'tradegy'. Bush asks if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy and a boy stands up.
'If my best mate was playing in the street and he got run over, that'd be a tradegy.'
'No' says Bush, 'that would be an accident, son.'
A little girl then raises her hand. 'If a school bus drove off a cliff and everybody died, that'd be a tragedy.'
Bush shook his head. 'We'd call that a great loss, missey.'
The room goes quiet. Finally, after an embarrising silence, way at the back of the room the teacher, fed up of the president's responses, raises his hand. 'If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs Bush, got hit by a missile and blown to bits by a terrorist, THAT'D be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' says Bush. 'And can you tell everyone why that would be a tragedy, son?'
'Well' says the teacher 'it's wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss.'

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants

then he walks up to the bar tender and says,"she's drivin' me nuts!"

Actual 9-1-1 calls:
=======================

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before an d I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn... I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Called out to a fire at a fashionable apartment block, a fireman arrives to find flames puring out of an upstairs window, and a woman screaming. Donning protective gear, he climbs the ladder, enters the flat... and spies a curvy brunette in a see-through nightie.
'Amazing' says the fireman. 'You're the third pregnant girl I've rescued this week.'
'Hey!' shouts the girl, indignantly. 'I'm not pregnant!'
'Yeah' the fireman smiles 'but you're not rescued yet either.'

Not quoted from a website:

The fireman football star:

A football star and his entourage(sp?) happen to pass by a burning building. A women from the street yells to him to catch her cat. He looks up and sees a cat jumping into his arms. "This is my chance to impress everyone," he thinks. He runs a little down the block and catches the cat in his arms.

The crowd behind him goes wild! They shout his name, praise his greatness, and exalt his deeds. The football player raises his arms in triump, dances around, and spikes the cat on the sidewalk and dances away with his entourage.

Heh.

Greeting cards Hallmark never made:

[center]
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ///////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
####################################################
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
********************************************************************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop .
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
================== ===================================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do
Something special for your birthday
So we're having you put to sleep.
))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay[/center]