The Ultimate Joke Thread

I don't know if this has been posted before but it's good enough to post again if it was... 😊

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When Grandma goes to court: Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when really you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more then a two-bit paper pusher. So... yes, I do know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes do know him. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different woman. One of them was your wife. Yes, I do know him."

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll personally send both of you to the electric chair."

[B][FONT=Comic Sans MS][FONT='Comic Sans MS']I got this in an email and just had to share. Sorry if I'm not supposed to be here.
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[B][FONT=Comic Sans MS][FONT='Comic Sans MS']For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organization.[/FONT][/FONT][/B]

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[B][FONT=Comic Sans MS][FONT='Comic Sans MS']Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.[/FONT][/FONT][/B]

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[B][FONT=Comic Sans MS][FONT='Comic Sans MS']When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well" he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, the concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man hours per shift."[/FONT][/FONT][/B]

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[B][FONT=Comic Sans MS][FONT='Comic Sans MS']As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."[/FONT][/FONT][/B]

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[B][FONT=Comic Sans MS][FONT='Comic Sans MS']I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76,39 percent."[/FONT][/FONT][/B]

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[B][FONT=Comic Sans MS][FONT='Comic Sans MS']I asked " After you get it out, how do you put it back?"[/FONT][/FONT][/B]

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[B][FONT=Comic Sans MS][FONT='Comic Sans MS']"Well" he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."[/FONT][/FONT][/B]

Only a person in OHIO could think of this.

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Columbus, Ohio after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other
patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--,flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the sheriff's office. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud non-drinker. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

A female officer pulled over a drunk man & said "Anything you say will be held against you." The drunk man yelled out "TITTIES!"

-x-

Why can't blondes eat pickles?
They can't get their head in the jar.

-x-

A duck walks in to a bar and says to the bartender "Do you got any grapes?"
Bartender says "No, we don't serve grapes here, just drinks. Now get out."
So the duck just shrugs it's shoulders and leaves.
The next the duck walks in to the same bar and says to the bartender "Do you got any grapes?"
Bartender says "No, I told you yesterday we don't serve grapes here, just drinks. You come in asking that again, and I'll staple your beak to the floor. Now get out."
So the duck just shrugs it's shoulders and leaves.
The next day the duck walks in to the bar, and the bartender just starts staring at the duck.
So the duck says "Do you have any staples?"
This threw the bartender off, and so he said "Uh, no."
So the duck says "You got any grapes?"

-x-

A magician gets a job on a cruise ship doing his magic show. Everything's going great because he can do the same show for each new crowd of guests. That is, until the Captain's parrot starts attending the shows.
The parrot starts figuring things out and ruining hois magic tricks. He starts asking things like "Why are those flowers up your sleeve? How come those rings are broken? Why are all of the cards the Ace of Spades?"
Well this made the magician angry, but what's he supposed to do? It's the Captain's parrot.
Well a couple of months go by and the ship sinks.
The magician happens to find himself a rather large floating chunk of wood and gets on it. Just then, the Captain's parrot flies down and lands next to the magician. And they just stare at each other
Hours go by.
Then a few days.
Then after a week of staring at each other the parrot says tpo the magician "OK, I give up. What'd you do with the ship?"

The Bacon Tree


Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are
are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance,
is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every
imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don' forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no
meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe
crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet
sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree! "

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...


Ees



Ees



Ees



Ees



Eees a ham bush...."

"Are you Gay?"

Bail 'em out? Maxine on the bail-out...

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed.

Now we are trusting the economy of our country and our banking system to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!!

Dear Internal Revenue Service:

On this April 15th tax return due date you will find enclosed my 2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.

Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers (valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.

You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 inch Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5 inchPhillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

To recap my enclosures:
Four toilet seats
Six hammers
and
One screw

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer

Prrkitty wrote:Dear Internal Revenue Service:

On this April 15th tax return due date you will find enclosed my 2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.

Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers (valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.

You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 inch Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5 inchPhillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

To recap my enclosures:
Four toilet seats
Six hammers
and
One screw

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer

A scientist is conducting a study on frogs concerning their aptitudes for jumping.

The scientist begins by numbing and cutting off the left forelimb to the frog, and commands it to "Jump, frog, jump!" Behold, the frog jumps! He records this in his notebook, and retires for the evening.

The next day, he returns, and does the same procedure with the frog's right forelimb, and commands him to "Jump, frog, jump!" Lo and behold, the frog jumps, despite its two missing forelimbs! These frogs must really love to jump, thinks the scientist.

The next day, the scientist cuts off the frog's left hind leg, and commands it to jump. With much hesitation, the frog manages a frugal yet determined jump a foot away from its position. Amazed, the scientist writes this in his journal, and retires for the evening.

The next day, the scientist returns to cut off the frog's last remaining limb. He commands the frog, "Jump, frog, jump!"

The frog, obviously, does not jump.

The scientist records in his notebook: "Frog has gone deaf."

Taxes joke- if only it were that easy. I find it "funny" that they tried to say that I didn't claim 16k of my earnings last year so they wanted me to pay in $997 in back taxes. Yet they can't explain where $600billion went with the banks. Good thing they have their priorities in order, or I'd be worried.

Scientist joke- funny how true that seems to be as well.

And now for something a little tasteless...

How do you make a dead baby float?
Coke, ice cream, and a dead baby.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

That's a new twist. I had heard of somethinf similar before with just the Cat Scan, but the Lab Report... That's good.

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

What do you call an obese guy in space?

A Fatasstronaut.

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."

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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger and that it's okay; he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, 'Sure, I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000 and he wants to use this as collateral.'

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'

(you're gonna luv this!)

The bank manager looks back at her and says,

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'

A policeman sees a little boy walking with a long pole over his shoulder and on the end of the pole is a sack.

The policeman stops the little boy and asks him if he's running away from home.

Little Johnny tells the policeman the whole story.

"All day long my mom and my dad were fighting about the bills!

Well, tonight I got woke up by this banging noise, see.

Then I heard my dad yell 'I'm pulling out!' and my mom screamed 'I'm coming too!'

Well, I wasn't going to stay there and get stuck with those bills!!!"

I too think that guy needed a banning after a lousy joke like that. I'm not even being sarcastic. Jokes are supposed to make people laugh, and I just felt a little sad of all of the time I had lost reading it that I'll never get back.

guccishopg wrote:Advertisement edited by ctrl-alt-delete

Anyways, two asylum inmates are escaping one night, when part of their path requires them to jump a gap between two buildings. One of the men can easily clear it, the other is not so sure.

"Alright I have an idea" one of them says. "I'll jump across, then shine my flashlight in this direction. Then you can walk across the beam to get to the other side."

"Are you nuts!?" The other man says, clearly aware of a major fault in logic.

"You'd turn the beam off when I was halfway across!!"

-Batman: The Killing Joke

Time for an actual joke

When Fara Fawcet died, she approached the gates of heaven and was met by Saint Peter.

"Fara, now that you are here, you may have one wish. It can any wish you desire, and it will be done."

"Well," Fara responded, "More than anything, I wish for all the world's children to be safe from any who would do them wrong."

Saint Peter snaps his fingers, and sure enough Michael Jackson dies and pops up next to her.

"Ooooh, where am I?" He asks.

Saint Peter repeats. "Michael, now that you are here, you may have one wish. It can be anything you want, just name it."

"Well," Michael replies, "Me and my siblings never really liked our father very much. When I grew up I tried to distance myself as much as possible from him. See, that's why I got so white. Do you have anything that could bleach my complexion permanently?"

So, Saint Peter snapped his fingers and another person popped up next to Michael.

"HI, BILLY MAYES HERE WITH OXY CLEAN"