Two bananas are sitting on the river side, when they see a turd floating down the river...
the turd yells to the bananas "JUMP IN THE WATERS FINE!"
One banana turns to the other and says "You believe that shit?"
The Ultimate Joke Thread
Because not everything can be serious all the time
---------------------------------------------------
1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on a Canadian island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults:
Practice safe sects!
A bit religious, but this is what I get during the j00ish holidays.
A man asks his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She answers, "I'd love to be ten again."
So on the morning of her birthday, he gets her up bright and early and off they go to the local Theme Park. What a day! He puts her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear...everything there is! Wow! She staggers out of the Theme Park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right into McDonald's they go, and her husband orders a Double Big Mac for her along with extra fries and a refreshing strawberry shake. Then off to a movie... it's the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbles home with her husband and collapses into bed.
He leans over lovingly and asks, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opens and she groans, "Schmuck, I meant dress size."
-----------------------
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?" Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"
-----------------------
The temple board president, a very pious jew, was extremely distressed in receiving the news that his only son has converted to Christianity. He is so besides himself that he goes to talk to the Rebbe, the highest authority he knows. He says "Rebbe, Rebbe what have I done wrong? I brough him to Temple every day. I taught him everything that I was taught, gave him all I was given. Where, where did I go wrong?"
The Rebbe says "Funny ting, my only son too, he has converted to Christianity. I, too, cannot figure out what went wrong, after all I am the Rebbe, surely my teachings and guidance should have been sufficient." The Rebbe continues "There is only one thing we can do, we must speak to a higher authority still.
The Rebbe and the Board President make their way to the sanctuary and they begin to speak to God. They say:"Oh, Lord, where have we gone wrong, our only sons have shunned us and converted to Christianity, what shall we do? Where did we go wrong?"
A big booming voice is heard from above to say; "FUNNY TING!"
-----------------------
Four Jewish ladies are playing a game of cards in Miami Beach.
The first lady sighs and says, "Oy..."
The second lady nods, sighs, and says, "Oy vey!"
The third lady says, "Oy veys meer!"
The fourth lady chimes in: "Enough talk about the children already. Let's get back to the game."
-----------------------
A man goes to see his Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, how can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone yesterday for over three hours. You want my advice?" The man anxiously answers, "Yes!"
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
-----------------------
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the
first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's advisor. "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
-----------------------
An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?". The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes." The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. He said "I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped "I found it alright. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."
-----------------------
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said: 'Lady, I haven't eaten in three days. 'Force yourself,' she replied.
-----------------------
There was a rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby. The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the rabbi got up and spoke to his flock. "Having children is an act of G-D!" shouted the Rabbi. In the back of the sanctuary, a little man with full white beard and yarmulka rose and shouted in his frail voice, "Point of information. Snowing and raining are also acts of G-D. But, we wear rubbers!"
Semi-adult joke ...
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What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between your Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole
AND Works Best When Jerked?
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Scroll Down......
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A Seatbelt you Pervert! Buckle Up!
I could've sworn that same exact list of jokes was posted here before, ShadowTiger.
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'
Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!
ready?
1
2
3
your mom...
best joke ever...
Church Gossiper
----------------
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Jack, a new church member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Jack (and several others) that everyone who saw it parked there would know exactly what he was doing. Jack, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... he said nothing. Later that evening, Jack quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there... all night.
Ya gotta love Jack.
Priest yells at the crowd: "You don't love the Lord, because you aren't donating! But the Lord doesn't like you, either, don't be surprised that he haven't took any of you for a year!"
Nurse to blonde woman:
-Here is the man who ran you over yesterday, he bought flowers, can he come in?
-Only if he isn't with a car!!!
Jewish Haiku
Lacking fins or tail
The gefilte fish swims with
Great difficulty.
*****
Beyond Valium,
Peace is knowing one's child
Is an internist.
*****
On Passover we
Opened door for Elijah
Now our cat is gone.
*****
After the warm rain
The sweet smell of camellias
Did you wipe your feet?
*****
Her lips near my ear,
Aunt Sadie whispers the name
Of her friend's disease.
*****
Today I am a man.
Tomorrow I will return
To the seventh grade.
*****
Testing the warm milk
On her wrist, she sighs softly.
But her son is forty.
*****
The sparkling blue sea
Reminds me to wait an hour
After my sandwich.
*****
Like a bonsai tree,
Is your terrible posture
At my dinner table.
*****
Jews on safari --
Map, compass, elephant gun,
Hard sucking candies.
*****
The same kimono
The top geishas are wearing:
I got it at Loehmann's.
*****
The shivah visit:
So sorry about your loss.
Now back to my problems.
*****
Mom, please! There is no
Need to put that dinner roll
In your pocketbook.
*****
Seven-foot Jews in
The NBA slam-dunking!
My alarm clock rings.
*****
Sorry I'm not home
To take your call. At the tone
Please state your bad news.
*****
Is one Nobel Prize
So much to ask from a child
After all I've done?
*****
Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you'll plotz.
Five-day forecast: feh
*****
Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.
Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah
Oy! To be fluent!
*****
Quietly murmured
At Saturday Synagogue services,
Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.
*****
A lovely nose ring,
Excuse me while I put my
Head in the oven.
****
Hard to tell under the lights.
White Yarmulke or
Male-pattern baldness
Loved that last set.
One day at a Taco Bell, a cashier notices someone stomping in. The customer looks very pissed off as she comes to the counter. "Hi, is everything ok?" the cashier asks. The customer hurls obsenities at the cashier and from what the cashier could understand, her Mexican Pizza didn't have lettuce on it. The cashier tries to explain that it is not made with it, but the customer would have none of it. So the cashier goes to get a manager. The manager introduces himself to the customer and hears a torrent of swearing on how stupid the employees are. Once she finished her tirade, the manager says the following, "Miss, I've been working for Taco Bell for 20 years, and the Mexican Pizza has never had lettuce on it; perhaps you are thinking of green onions?" The customer more or less stated no, and that it was lettuce. The manager then pointed up at the menu pointing at the picture of it, and upon seeing it, the customer threw the Mexican Pizza at the manager's face, said f you, and stormed out.
... That was a joke?
Okay.
"So the first penguin says to the second penguin, 'You look like you're wearing a tuxedo.' And the second penguin says, 'Maybe I am.'"
—Special Agent Dale Cooper
A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence,? the farmer says, 'this is a special day for me, and I'm Celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence' says the man? As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man ... 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence'
Haha good one Kitty.
It reminds me of an expression we have here in quebec that says : "sauter du coq � l'�ne" which basically means abruptly changing the subject, but if it is translated word for word to english, it reads : jumping from the cock to the ass :googly:
Christmas History
------------------
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for is annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Winter is coming and we might as well get a laugh about it... WINTER BLONDE
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in NORTH DAKOTA and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Try To Remember...
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it's all gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well let me tell ya, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A GOOD husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9 My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a VERY large trash can.
10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'
11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment... for enjoying sex!
12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
Red neck security system: Installing a home security system (on a budget)
1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Bubba,
Big'un, Duke, Slim, 'n me went for more ammo and beer. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real good. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
Cooter
Sheriff Department Test
------------------------
A man seeking to join a border state Sheriff's Department is being interviewed. The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
One, very smart, fisherman...
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said, 'Fishing or Sex?' and she said, 'Wear sun-block'."
A burglar broke into a Christian family's home in Regina one night last week. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables... when he heard a strange voice echoing from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. After awhile when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he frantically shined his light all around, looking for the source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, his flash light beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he whispered to the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? And what is your name?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler... Jesus."
What is a 710 knob?
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten knob. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten knob?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked, "is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."
If you're not sure what a 710 is... click here... http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg
Involuntary Muscular Contractions
---------------------------------
A professor at the University of Woking was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood a bit.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably drinking beer with his mates."
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom .
The Plan! - by Robin Williams
He made this speech in New York. You gotta love Robin Williams... even if he is nuts! Leave it to him to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.
Robin Williams' plan... (hard to argue with this logic!)
I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan.
1) The US will apologize to the world for our 'interference' in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those 'good 'ole' boys', we will never 'interfere' again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them with open arms!
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
5) No foreign 'students' over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a 'D' and it's back home baby!
6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not 'interfere.' They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us 'Ugly Americans' any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH... learn it... or LEAVE!!
Now, isn't that a winner of a plan? The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses'. She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, "you want a piece of me!?!!"
After an exam the doctor said to David, "You appear to be in good health.
Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said David. "After I have sex the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
After examining his elderly wife Roberta, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" Roberta replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is in December!"
Pet Bulletin: Found very low on a refrigerator door...
---------------------------------------------------
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture; That's why they call it 'fur'-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't hang out with drug-using people; (7) don't smoke or drink, (8) don't want to wear your clothes, (9) don't have to buy the latest fashions, (10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children...
A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
"Do you enjoy it?" the doctor asked.
"Actually, yes, I do."
''Does it hurt you?" he asked.
"No. I rather like it."
''Well, then," the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."
The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
"Of course," the doctor replied. "Where do you think politicians come from?!"
A kid asks his father for help on a writing assignment. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up thoughtfully and says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but asks his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on $2 million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two sluts."
The second one was hilarious. The politician one was good.
Enjoy!
The Train Ride
An ugly fat woman, a gorgeous young hot blonde, an American man and a Canadian man are all riding together in a train car.
As the train passes through a tunnel, the distinctive sound of a loud slap is heard.
When they emerge from the tunnel, a bright red handprint is on the face of the American.
The fat woman thinks "that dirty American grabbed that blonde in the tunnel and she slapped him!"
The blonde thinks "that dirty American must have tried to grab me, but grabbed the fatso by mistake and she slapped him!"
The American thinks "that Canadian bastard felt up that blonde and she slapped me by mistake!"
The Canadian thinks "I can’t wait ’til we go through another tunnel so I can slap that stupid American!
Source: American Jokes
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