The Ultimate Joke Thread

A 5 year old's first job... from the mouths of babes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5 year old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her Mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f _ ckin' sheet rock."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - don't it??

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’

The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give
you a twenty-year life span.’

The monkey said: ‘Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like
the Dog did?’

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

‘You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s
family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.’

The cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?’

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

‘Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you
twenty years.’

But man said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty,the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?’

‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
-----------------------

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

Remember: Laughing lowers the blood pressure

Prr...

:rofl: Good one, there.

All that joke was missing was someone called whatda-Shitt.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

[SIZE="1"]while we're retreading old chestnuts...[/SIZE]

TO: All Employees
FROM: Management
RE: Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

Boss-In-General, Special High Intensity Training
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

P.S. I suggest that the Intensity Management Group form an adjunct Human Engineering And Development Staff (S.H.I.T. H.E.A.D.S.) to guarantee universal implementation of this S.H.I.T. program. Any Volunteers?

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother- of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. 'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress and I'm wearing it,' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.' A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it. Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

I laughed so hard tears were rolling down my cheeks...

-----------------------------------------

A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry.

A blonde woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 10 feet, turned and waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.

The man was astonished. He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?

"The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: Are you ready for this?

"Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."

Retired folks staying active...
---------------------------------------
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a Dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So Mary called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Learn a lesson of life from a donkey...
---------------------------------
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway. It just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.

Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less.

Very, very nice one, Prr. ^^,

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked, "What might ye be selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, "You are doing very well!! Only two left!"

--------------

Life is too short for drama & petty things!
So, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

Poor Bubba...
-------------

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat... and nearly drowned!

Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his pappy, and his pappy before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumbass".

In honor of the late George Carlin, here are seven more words you can't say on TV, "And the Emmy goes to Bob Saget." -Jeffery Ross

"I looked at the clock, it said 4:04. I was like, 'Dammit, I need to know what time it is!"

*applause*

Thanks, I'll be here all week!

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have:

• Work Out Barbie for $19.95,
• Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
• Beach Barbie for $19.95,
• Disco Barbie for $19.95,
• Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
• Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
• Skater Barbie for $19.95, and
• Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

"Sir.. Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's Friends."

A marine is going home on an airline flight. His seat is by two Arabs. One of them asks the marine if he can get a drink for him. So the marine gets up to get a drink. The Arab spits in the marine's boot while he's gone. When the marine gets back, the other Arab asks him to get him a drink too. The same thing happens. When the flight lands, the marine gets in his boots, feels the spit, and sees what happened. He says, "Why do we have to hate each other so much. Why must we have to spit in people's boots and pee in their soft drinks?"

[FONT=Bookman Old Style][FONT=Bookman Old Style]A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second. [/FONT][/FONT][FONT=Bookman Old Style][FONT=Bookman Old Style]On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=Bookman Old Style][FONT=Bookman Old Style]It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.[/FONT]
[FONT=Bookman Old Style]He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with three bass over 10 pounds. He was jubilant![/FONT]
[FONT=Bookman Old Style]Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital.[/FONT]
[FONT=Bookman Old Style]He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.[/FONT]
[FONT=Bookman Old Style]The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!'[/FONT]
[FONT=Bookman Old Style]'For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver forever!'[/FONT]
[FONT=Bookman Old Style]The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.[/FONT]
[FONT=Bookman Old Style]The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just [/FONT][/FONT][FONT=Bookman Old Style][FONT=Bookman Old Style]messing[/FONT][/FONT][FONT=Bookman Old Style][FONT=Bookman Old Style] with you. You're wife died an hour ago. How big were the fish?'[/FONT][/FONT]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back a s normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302... no one tells me shit."

What's the best thing about sleeping with twenty nine year olds?

There's twenty of them.

---

What's worse than ten dead babies nailed to a tree?

One dead baby nailed to ten trees.

---

Why is Michael Jackson like the Xbox 360?

He used to be black, now he's white, and he's made of plastic!

And these are the people running the country.

Lord, have mercy, it ain't gonna get any better, very soon, if at all, with these dimwits sloppin' at the trough. Jim..

A Washington , DC , airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble!

1. I had a NC Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, 'I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .' without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, 'Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa .' Her response - click

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, 'Is it possible to see England from Canada? I said, 'No.' She said, 'But they look so close on the map.' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said , 'I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 AM got to Chicago a t 8:33 AM. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, 'Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' She replied, 'Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!' After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , CA is ( FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, 'Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii ?'

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, 'How do I know which plane to get on?' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, 'I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.'

10. A lady Senator called and said, 'I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, 'Yeah, whatever.'

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, 'Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!'

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations. 'I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, 'Are you sure that's the name of the town?' 'Yes, what flights do you have?' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, 'I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere. 'The lady retorted, 'Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, 'You don't mean Buffalo , do you?' The reply! 'Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.'

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in !

Well, since you bring up the subject of politicians, I thought it would be prudent, especially in this election season, to bring in some words of wisdom from the late Will Rogers on the subject of government (it's nice to know that some things never change).

"I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat."

"On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does."

"There ought to be one day-just one-when there is open season on senators."

"There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you."

"You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way."

"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."

"The man with the best job in the country is the vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How's the President?'"

"I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better husband than I am, but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em."

"The United States investigates everything-usually after it's dead."

"Elections are a good deal like marriages. There's no accounting for anyone's taste. Every time we see a bridegroom we wonder why she ever picked him, and it's the same with public officials."

"If you ever injected truth into politics you'd have no politics."

"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."

"If all politicians fished instead of spoke publicly, we would be at peace with the world."

"Politics is the best show in America. I love animals and I love politicians and I love to watch both of 'em play either back home in their native state or after they have been captured and sent to the zoo or to Washington."

"If we ever pass out as a great nation we ought to put on our tombstone, 'America died from a delusion that she has moral leadership."

Politics. What a fitting word.

Poli = latin for "many."

Tics = blood-sucking insects.

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

No Speak English
-----------------
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
What were you thinking?
.
.
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
.
.
Now get back to your emails.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I don't know about you sometimes!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

A short one I overheard from a checkout counter.

Two gay guys are walking down the street, when along comes a sexy gal walking in the opposite direction. I mean, totally knock yourself out of your socks gorgeous.

One guy whispers to the other, "Man, what I wouldn't give to be a lesbian right about now."

**Leave it to a six yr old to state the obvious.**

THREE LITTLE PIGS

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read... "... and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said... Pardon me sir, may I have some of that straw to build my house?"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, "I think the man would have said - "Well, I'll be damned!! A talking pig!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

Even God Enjoys A Good Laugh...
--------------------------------

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

A new word is born:
---------------------

Someone found a name for our election process for this year.

Electile Dysfunction: The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for PRESIDENT put forth by any party in the 2008 election year.