Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what's happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body. "Englishman, 60, died of heart failure while on a roller coaster. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." "Nothing unusual here", thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body.
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Irishman, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. To which the coroner replies, "He thought he was having his picture taken."
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An Irishman moved to the United States and was anxious to attend his first baseball game. The first batter approached the batters box, took a few practice swings, and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "run, run!" The next batter hit a single and the Irishman listened as the crowd again screamed "run, run!" The Irishman enjoyed the game very much and soon found himself screaming with the fans. The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "Walk" and the batter started his slow trot to first base. The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Run, ye fool, run!" The people around him began to laugh. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down. A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment and leaned over to explain, "He can't run, he's got four balls."
The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, laddie, walk with pride."
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Tim Kelly was walking through a dim passageway when someone spoke to him. "Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled figure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?"
Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch. "Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump from the trestle?"
"It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of it. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me."
"He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?"
"Only Mrs. Murphy's tit," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing in itself, but not worth a dam in a fight."
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Q: What do you call an Irish queer?
A: A man who prefers women over Guinness.
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Q: How many Irishmen does it take to replace a lightbulb?
A: Two--one to hold the lightbulb and the other to drink until the room spins.
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Q: What do you call two full beers occupying both hands of a person?
A: Irish handcuffs.
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Danny McGuire came home from work to find his lovely bride sitting in the living room still in her bath robe. "Kate my wife" he says "what ever is the matter, yer still in yer robe."
"Ah Danny," says she, "tis poorly I'm feeling. I didn't know what to do so I called Doc McDonald. 'I'll need a specimen', he says and hung up. Danny, I don't know what a specimen is."
"Ah lass I don't know either, but if you'll walk yerself up the stairs to Mrs. Murphy she'll be able to tell ye."
Off goes Kate bounding up the stairs. Soon Danny hears a horrible thump, bang and a hell of a crash. Opening his door, he sees Kate piled up at the bottom of the landing. "Kate, what ever happened?"
"I tol' Mrs Murphy what the doc said and she told me to just piss in a bottle. So I told her to shit in her hat . . . and the fight was on."
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Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the missus.
"What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't wake up the neighbors!"
"I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs," he shouted. "Leave it 'till the morning," she shouted down.
"I can't," he said, "I drank it."
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Paddy was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past Sean's house and saw a sign that said, "Boat For Sale."
This confused Paddy because he knew that Sean didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Sean about it.
"Hey Sean," said Paddy, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is your old John Deere tractor and combine."
Sean calmly replied, "Yup, and they're boat for sale!"
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One fine day in Ireland , a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says, "I can't take any-thing from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball, he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. Might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill." The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you, too. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week? Is that all?!" The golfer looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a horny priest in a small parish!"
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Paddy and Mary, being good Irish Catholics, had so many children that they didn't know what to do. Paddy says to Mary, "Sure, and we have to get some advice from the parish priest. We can't keep on with anymore children."
So they went to see the priest, and the priest says to Paddy, "Now, me boyo, you know the church only allows two ways to limit the wee ones. One is to abstain altogether, and the other is the rhythm."
Paddy scratches his head and says: "Well, now, Father, how in the hell am I going to find a couple of bagpipers at 4 o'clock in the morning?"
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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. Father asks, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She replies, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "Aye, that he did, Father."
The priest asked, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put that damn gun down'!"
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Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having sex with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says, "I think my wife is having sex with the plumber. The other day I found a pipe-wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says, "I think my wife is having sex with a horse."
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
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An Irishman went to see the doctor with a hole in his earlobe and blisters all over his feet. The doctor asked, "What happened, Paddy?"
Paddy replied, "I was opening a Christmas pudding, and on the packet it said: 'pierce here and stand in boiling water'."
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An Irish woman goes to her solicitor to ask about getting a divorce. The solicitor asks, "Does he beat you?" "No, sorr."
"Does he keep you short of money?" "No, sorr."
"Is he a perpetual drunkard?" "No, sorr."
"Is he unfaithful to you?"
"Ah, we've got him there, sorr. He was not the father of me last child."
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The Dublin police were given orders to clean up the neighborhood. That night a drunk staggered towards a constable and said: "Excuse me offisher, what time is it?" The cop replied, "It's one o'clock," and bonked him on the head with his baton.
"Jeez," said Paddy. "I'm glad I didn't ask you an hour ago!"
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An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin!"
"Not to fret," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra."
"What's an Irish Viagra, Doctor?"
That's where you just drop the Viagra into his morning coffee. He won't even taste it," replied the doctor."Give it a try, and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor,who directly inquired as to the progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid, just terrible, doc!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised me to do and slipped the Viagra into his morning coffee and it took effect immediately. He
jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth a flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me right on the tabletop!
T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband gave you wasn't any good?"
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! T'was the best sex I've had in twenty-five years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
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One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight.
However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Murphy's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.
The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.
"Was that all you wanted?" Murphy replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in me shoe!"
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An Irish fella won big on the national lottery. He phoned the head office and asked when his winnings would arrive. They told him it would be at least three weeks before they could get the cheque out to him.
"Three weeks!" exclaimed the Irish fellow
"Oh, to hell with that, give me my pound back!"
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Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?" Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."
His friend asked, "Sure and what d'ye mean by that?" Pat said, "It's like this, y'see, I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another, it was neither of us."
