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The Ultimate Joke Thread

351 replies · 84,119 views · Started 29 March 2006

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of
fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified

1] My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

2] A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

3] Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

4] "Hi. Now you say something."

5] "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

6] "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

7] (From Japanese friend) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

8] "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

9] "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

10] "This is not an answering machine -this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

11] "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

12] "Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

13] "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

14] Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

15] Hello, you've reached Jim and Gloria. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right .... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

Copied and pasted directly from the E-mail. Don't tell me that you've heard these before, because I don't want to hear it.

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip any, you have to read the last one! Unbelievable, but insist they are true. . . .

=================================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello.. I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah...................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

The ABCs of ex-girlfriends. In honour of the movie My Super Ex-Girlfriend, which I saw recently and didn't hate.

A is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you, you twit, she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B is for Bitter.
Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C is for Call ya later.
She won't. She never has before.

D is for Dumped.
Does D need to be explained?

E is for Eating like a pig.
Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F is for Friends.
That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G is for Gun.
And yes, there is a waiting period.

H is for Horny.
Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I stands for I still hate her.
Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J stands for Jim.
This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K stands for Kill.
Her, that is. And Jim. Grr.

L is for Love.
It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties. L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M stands for Mephistophiles.
That is who she worked for.

N stands for Necropheliac.
She didn't move very much, did she?

O is for On top.
When on top she has another O word.

P is for Pill.
She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q is for Quitter.
She couldn't last.

R is for Rich Little Bitch.
She bought my love but I paid for it.

S stands for Suffer.
That's what she made me do.

T is for torture.
Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U is for Understatement.
Which is saying that you hate that bitch.

V is for Voluptuous.
That is the primary reason you were dating her in the first place.

W stands for Whine.
She was a pro at this.

X is for Xylophone.
Because X is always for xylophone.

Y stands for You suck!
God, she yelled that at you a lot, didn't she?

Z stands for ZIPPER.
This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

. stands for period.
Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

Once again, copied directly from an E-mail. I don't care whatsoever how real these sites are.

It's bad enough sending out an email without doing a quick proofreading pass, but imagine applying the same lack of care to your web site. I'm guessing some of these individuals are still clueless.

These are REAL:

1. A site called 'Who Represents ' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name is

www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at

www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at

www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at

www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company.

www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales :

www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:

www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe ? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know,the more you make.

i just thought that this was amusing:

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
which was the other possibility.



As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-
year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".



In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy.



The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.



There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.



In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.



Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.



Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag
is disgrasful and it should go away.



By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".



During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.



Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.



Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas.

A teenager runs down the hill to school buttoning up his shirt. when the techer asks him where hes been he says "on top of Cherry Hill" so he sits down.
The next day the teenager runs down the hill to school putting on his shoes. when the techer asks him where hes been he says "on top of Cherry Hill" so he sits down.
The next day the teenager runs down the hill to school Pulling up his pants. when the techer asks him where hes been he says "on top of Cherry Hill" so he sits down.
The next day the teenager walks down the hill with a girl. when the techer asks who she is she say "Im Cherry Hill"

I love this one.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue: "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[center]The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.
[/center]

Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,! Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

----x-----

The British have reacted to the recent terrorism alerts by raising their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been recategorised from "Tiresome" to a "BloodyNuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

Also, the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and "Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday, as is customary, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

Some religious ones for you all to enjoy. And I do hope you are enjoying these...

It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.
As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No" replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No" replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No" replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.
Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father" he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you want?"

-X-

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.
"Next Sunday" she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."
The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."
About half the class rose and came forward.
"The rest of you may leave" said the teacher. "These students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."

-X-

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 20, maybe 30 of 'em torturing this chick. So I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me. So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"
"Er.. about two minutes ago."

-X-

A man was driving down the highway, and sees a sign saying "Sisters of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 10 miles." Thinking it is some sort of joke, he pays no attention, until he sees a similar sign reading "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 5 miles."
Still unsure, he drives on, until spotting a third sign saying "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, next exit". His curiosity getting the better of him, he takes the exit and parks his car outside the convent.
He knocks on the door, and tells the nun who answers "I saw your signs on the highway, are they for real?"
The nun answers "Yes" and tells him to give her $50 and follow her to a room.
He enters a room, and a second nun requests $50, and leads him to a door. Once he opens the door, he is quickly shoved outside by the nun.
He finds himself behind the convent, where he sees the final sign, which reads 'Thank you for you contributions. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.'

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
>A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said "All I want out of
>life is four little animals, just like my mom always says ."
>The teacher asked "Really and what four little animals would that be?"
>The little girl said. "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger
>in bed and a jackass to pay for it all."
>The teacher fainted.
>

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Mel Gibson. They're asking for a $310 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse him with gasoline and set him on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a gallon."

I remember an old version of that joke with OJ Simpson, but your one is funnier. Tom Cruise would've been even better though.

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home however, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

-X-

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said "God you're beautiful..." and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "Hey cutie."
His wife, a little dissapointed, said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
He replied "The drugs are wearing off..."

-X-

A brief history of medicine:

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

Aviation History!

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claim an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.

This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the US Air Force and the federal government.

However, you may well NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic crash day, Albert Gore, Jr.; Hillary Rodham; John F. Kerry; William Jefferson Clinton;
Howard Dean; Nancy Pelosi; Dianne Feinstein; Charles E. Schumer; and Barbara Boxer were born.

That piece of information has now cleared up a lot of things.

[CENTER]-X-[/CENTER]

The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pres sure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to "John" by "Jane" that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,"
and take into account the fact that he slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, "Jane" kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

The images are fairly self explanatory.

[center]User posted image

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Is Windows a Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, do you hear me?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

Heh, thanks. 😛 Another few:

Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.

Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well."

Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty begins tugging Saul toward shore. After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"

Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money."

--x--

Popeye The Sailor Dead at 77

A California natural foods company was linked Friday to a nationwide bacterial outbreak that has killed one cartoon celebrity and sickened nearly 100 people.
The fatality has now been identified as Popeye TheSailorman, of Sweethaven, CA., who was known to buy his spinach at Natural Selection Foods, based in San Juan Bautista, Calif., where the outbreak is believed to have originated.

After complaining of severe gas pains, Popeye was rushed to The National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland, where he finally dropped anchor. Popeye's stepson, Sweetpea TheSailorman, has asked the press to respect his family's privacy.

Popeye's first wife, Olive Oyl, died in a mysterious spear-fishing accident off the Florida Keys. His six other marriages ended in divorce. The animation star leaves a fortune estimated at more than $680 million from proceeds of the sale of the fried chicken franchise that bears his name. Popeye's long time companion, J. Wellington Wimpy, with whom it is generally believed he had a homosexual relationship throughout the years, stands to inherit the bulk of the estate under California's liberal domestic partner laws.

The death sent shockwaves through the often indistinguishable worlds of cartoons and politics. Rep. Nancy Pelosi said the incident illustrates the need for farm workers to have Porta-Johns in the fields at all times, as the absence of toilet tissue makes spinach leaves "an all too attractive and deadly alternative." A distraught cartoon President George W. Bush was visibly shaken upon hearing the news and has gone into seclusion. Aides say the president thinks "evildoers" are responsible and has vowed to track them down.

FDA officials stressed that the bacteria had not been isolated in products sold by Natural Selection Foods but that the link was established by patient accounts of what they had eaten before becoming ill.

An investigation is continuing.

Popeye TheSailor is to be buried with full military honors at Arlington National Cemetery.

Proof That The World is Nuts.

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may nly see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (Wait, A brick??)

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The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!"😉

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There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Well, . . not as great as Guam !)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. ! (Who volunteers for this stuff?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of ?) (Did the government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last: Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

I'm not posting so much since I got a job, butI'm not abandoning this thread altogether...

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party, but their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer 'What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?'
'I give it to them' replied the lawyer, 'and then I send them a bill.'
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

-X-

Time for some great quotes...

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
Molly McGee

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
Mickey Rooney

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
Helen Rowland

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
Unknown

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
Robert Frost

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse
Dennis Miller

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Edgar Bergen

Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished.
Leslie Nielsen

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.
Slappy White

I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.
Robert Paul

It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
Muhammad Ali

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error.
Dennis Miller

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Jerome K Jerome

To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.
Janet Coleman

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Andy Rooney

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
George Carlin

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
Paul Beatty

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
Joey Adams

*ahem*

THE BELOW MAY BE EXPLICIT/DISTURBING TO SOME INDIVIDUALS! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!!

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A man and his new wife have been having sex for their entire honeymoon. But when they get back to their home, the husband finds he can't 'get it up'. So, he goes to his doctor. He asks the doctor what's wrong with him, and the doctor says 'Oh, it's nothing. It happens to me all the time. Just rub your hand over your wife's pussy, then smell your hand. You'll be at it again in no time.' The man heads home with high hopes, even making his wife go to bed early so he can try it. His wife falls asleep immediatly, but he still lies awake.... and then, ever so slowly, he reaches over and feels between his wifes legs. He brings his hand up, inhales deeply, and is rewarded by a sharp 'doing' from his dong. He shakes his wife awake, excitedly saying "Hey honey! look! let's have sex!" His wife gazes at him, annoyed: "Honey, you woke me up for a bloody nose?".

The End.

ps.....
If u didnt get it, pm me for an answer.

U.S. Questions Size of North Korean Nuke Blast; Kim Jong-Il Says Size Does Not Matter
'The Earth Moved,' Claims North Korean Dictator

Just days after U.S. officials expressed their doubts about the size of North Korea's recent nuclear test, North Korean president Kim Jong-Il lashed out at his American doubters today, releasing a terse statement from Pyongyang asserting that "size does not matter."

On Tuesday, the U.S. Geological Survey (USGS) measured the North Korean nuclear blast at a magnitude of 4.2 and released the following statement: "Based on our measurements, what Kim Jong-Il actually has is much smaller than what he claims he has."

This statement drew a fierce rebuttal from Mr. Kim, who said that the size of the blast did not matter, adding that other factors such as "strength and endurance" must be taken into account when evaluating a nuclear test.

Those comments did not go unanswered for long, however, as the USGS responded that the blast lasted only 2.3 seconds, adding, "That may have been good for him, but it was not good for us."

Those remarks from the USGS only seemed to inflame the mercurial Kim, who then issued the following statement: "The undeniable truth is that the earth moved."

Moments after Mr. Kim made his remarks, however, they were refuted by White House spokesman Tony Snow, who made the following dismissive comment to reporters: "The earth may have moved for him, but we were not feeling much on this end."

Two weeks... ... daaamn ... let's keep the ball rolling! Let's not let the thread die out!

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There may be those among you who support including Spanish in our national language. I for one am 110% against this!

We must preserve the exclusivity and above all, the purity of the English language. To all the shlemiels, shlemazels, nebbishes, nudniks, klutzes, putzes, shlubs, shmoes, shmucks, nogoodniks, and momzers that are out there pushing Spanish, I just want to say that I, for one, believe that English and only English deserves linguistic prominence in our American culture.

To tell the truth, it makes me so farklempt, I'm fit to plotz. This whole Spanish schmeer gets me broyges, specially when I hear these erstwhile mavens and luftmenschen kvetching about needing to learn Spanish. What chutzpah!

These shmegeges can tout their shlock about the cultural and linguistic diversity of our country, but I, for one, am not buying their shtick. It's all so much dreck, as far as I'm concerned. I exhort you all to be menshen about this and stand up to their fardrayte arguments and meshugganah, farshtunkene assertions. It wouldn't be kosher to do anything else.

Remember, when all is said and done, we have English and they've got bubkes! The whole mynseh is a pain in my tuchas!

~Jackie Mason

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.

While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles.

He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

The next Sunday, eager to find out how successful they were the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, proudly replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded.

That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could"

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f- for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-B-Bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

Nobody posted here for two weeks? Thanks for bumping it, ST.

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
'Hey' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?'
'Yes. Come and join us' they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked. 'Well' one of them said, 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.' This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again 'What else do you do?'
'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.' The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. 'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there?' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it.' Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. 'That was fantastic' he panted. 'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked. 'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.' The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.'
'I do' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a fag.'

-X-

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. 'Dear' she chirped, 'I think it's time to tell him he's adopted.'

-X-

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. 'Papa fell in the well last week...' he began. 'Good heavens' shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. 'Is he all right?' 'He must be' said little Irving. 'He stopped yelling for help yesterday.'

-X-

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game as they do, and they're really impressed. After the game they ask her 'how is it that you know so much about baseball?'
She says 'Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change.' The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. 'What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?'
'That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.'
'Was it when they cut off your balls?'
'That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.'
'What was the most painful part?'
'The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half.'

-X-

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says 'Martha, I think I really should try that.' Martha replies 'I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10.' So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says 'Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane.' Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...
The pilot pipes up 'Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each.' Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.
The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says 'Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff.' Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says 'Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!'

-X-

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said 'I'm sorry, but I've just had some bad news... my grandfather just died.'
'Thank god!' his date replied. 'If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!'

-X-

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. 'Don't you want her name engraved upon it?' asked the jeweler.
The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied 'No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up, I can use it again.'

-X-

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, 'Okay. Whatcha wanna talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?'
'Alright' said Little Johnny. 'That could be fun. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you think that happens?'
'Jeez' said the stranger. 'I've no idea.'
'Well' said Little Johnny 'why the hell do you wanna talk about nuclear power when you don't know shit?'

Member nations of the UN gathered for an annual Meeting of technological advancement reports. The United States ambassador stood and proudly announced, "We have developed a space craft that can fly directly into the sun!" The crowd was shocked murmurs and exclamations of "How could this be!" were heard. His assistant quickly handed him a sheet of paper, he coughed and then addressed the audience, "I'm sorry, actually, our new space craft can only fly 3 centimeters below the sun." The Japanese ambassador stood next and told the gathering, "Our Japanese scientists have invented a midget submarine that can touch the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean." Again, shock and disbelief rang through the great meeting hall. An assistant jumped up and whispered in the Japanese Ambassador's ear. He bowed deeply and said, "My deepest apologies, forgive my mistake. Our new submarine can only reach 3 centimeters above the deepest part of the ocean." It was now the French ambassador's turn to make announcement of France's contribution. He stood and looked around, "We in France have been able to develop people that can eat with their noses!" Now the UN meeting as in shock and visible horror that France would play with genetic engineering. "Actually, they eat only 3 centimeters below their noses."

------

During one of the many wars that the Indabudarains and the Tirans fought and the Indabudarains usually lost, the Indabudarains just happened to capture a Tirans Major. An officer brought the Major to the Indabudarains general for interrogation. The Indabudarains general began ridiculing the Major for wearing "that stupid red tunic." The Indabudarain general said, "Why to you wear that red uniform, it makes it easy for us to shoot you." The Tirans major replied, "If I do get wounded, the blood will not show, and my soldiers will not get scared." The Indabudarain general said, "That is a very good idea," The Indabudarain general turned to his orderly and said, "From now on all Indabudarain officers will wear brown pants."

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.. Er .. Load it yourself.