The Ultimate Joke Thread

I've only just noticed, but we're over 60 posts into this thread. Doin' good!

-X-

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
'It's a period' said the little boy.
'Well, I can see that' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?'
'Damned if I know' said the little boy, 'but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.'

-X-

A bartender is getting ready to close for the night when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun.
'This is a stickup!' He yells. 'Put all your dough in a bag!'
'Don’t shoot!' pleads the barkeep. 'I’ll do whatever you say!'
The bartender stuffs all the money into a bag and hands it over. The crook snatches it and then puts the gun to the bartender’s head and says, 'Anything?'
'Anything!' comes the reply.
'All right... give me a blow job!'
The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing the guy. After a few minutes, the robber gets so excited he drops his gun.
The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and hands it back to the robber. 'Hold the gun, dammit' he says. 'One of my friends might walk in!'

-X-

A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone. One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.
'It’s getting late, big boy' she says after a few minutes. 'Why don’t we go upstairs to bed?'
'We might as well' slurs the husband. 'I’m going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.'

TILL DEATH DO US PART
Mildred, 93, was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

A young boy was feeling inqusitive. 'Mum, is it true people can be taken apart like machines?'
'Of course not sweetie' she replied. 'Where on Earth did you get such an idea?'
'From Daddy' says the boy. 'He was talking on the phone to someone and he sais he was screwing the arse off his secratary.'

I found this one on another forum. I lol'd so much I just HAD to bring it here.

Women Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,

"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

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this one is from my old french teacher (mr. Brault). he was a master of jokes and puns. anyway, he claimed that he knew all of the important people in the world.
he told us about some of his earlier french students:

(they didn't believe me, they said, "ok! fine! prove that you know our prime minsiter personally!" so we took a trip to parliament hill, and went inside. there was a meeting in session, but then when the Prime minister heard I was there, he ushered us all in, even though it was a private meeting.
the stutends were shocked, but then they said "ok, so you know the prime minister! but there is no way you know the Pope! if you do, we will do detentin with you for the rest of of our years at this school!". so we took a trip to rome, and I went to see him. when I cam eout, with my hand on his shoulder, I looked up, and saw the whole class, fainted. I told them later, that they didn't have to serve all the detentions, and they said "no sir, that's not why we fainted. It's the woman behind us. when you came out, she asked her friend: who is that man there with Mr. Brault?"😉

Blonde's Diary:

Dear Diary, Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year. Namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! (I told him) There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

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THE DONKEY RAFFLE

A young hillbilly named Kenny, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "well, then, just give me my money back." The Farmer said, "can't do that. I went and spent it already." Kenny said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey." The farmer asked, "what ya gonna do with him?" Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer said, "you can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Kenny said, "sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "what happened with
that dead donkey?" Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998" The farmer said, "didn't anyone complain?" Kenny said, "just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny eventually became the chairman of Enron.

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Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation escape by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some outrageous shorts, shirts and sandals. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their tourist garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a string bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually; then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they we're priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you saw them. Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, this time topless with just a thong bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, she said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away. One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute young lady." "Yes, Father?", she said. "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

"Father, it's me, Sister Margaret"

I dunno if you guys have heard these yet, but I thought these were funny, and they're the only one's I know.

A pirate has a steering wheel down his pants and someone asks, "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" and he says "Arr, it's driving me nuts."

I know, it's dumb, but this next one is funny.

Question: What do you call a psychic midget running from the police?

Answer: A small medium at large.

If you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended. It really works. Just take a few seconds and focus on each step.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "The World."
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See, you're smiling already.

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. When he's finished, his friend says "Wow. That was nice of you."
The other man replies "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

-X-

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote �Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.� before handing it to the clerk.
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog �There's only nine words here. You could send another �Woof� for the same price.� The dog replied �That wouldn't make a lick of sense!�

-X-

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment before replying "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

-X-

...and finally, one for the kid in you...

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
POOP!

A man comes home from work, sit down in his favorite chair, turns on the
TV, and tells his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looks a little puzzled, but brings him a beer. When he finishes it, he
says, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looks a little angry, but brings him a beer. When it's gone,
he says, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."

"That's it!" she shouts, "You jerk! You waltz in here, flop your fat butt
down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your
slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day
long?"

The husband sighs. "Oh no, it's started.
_____________________________________________________________________________

A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend's house for a play date when the little girl asks "Mommy," how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replies sweetly. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, a bit less sweetly. "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That's enough questions, young lady, honestly!" mom says as her daughter is getting out of the car.

The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." Now mom's getting mad. She says, "Oh really? And just why is that, young lady?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

Diary Of A Snow Shoveler

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the
best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and
felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect
life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says
we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice
man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took
my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon
and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this
way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes
out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets
on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit
it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably
won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to
go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed,
pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire
Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he
says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says
she did but I think she's damn well lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his
balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour
and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife
wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents,
but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I
hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her
mother . 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

A guy took his blonde girlfriend on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch a thing. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, the guy catches a fish.
As theyre driving home they're really depressed. The guy turns to his girlfriend and says "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The girlfriend says "Wow! Its a good thing we didnt catch any more!"

-X-

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago" the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you nuts? I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The bum was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied "Hey man, that's OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf!"

-X-

A married couple is driving down the interstate at 55 mph with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says "I don�t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says "I want the kids too.� The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.
She says "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says "No, I've got everything I need right here."
She asks "What�s that?"
The husband replies, just before they hit the wall at 90 mph "I've got the airbag."

-X-

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

In heaven, God asked men and women to get into separate lines. Then he asked the men to split into the lines: Ones that listen to their wives, and ones that don't listen to their wives. All went into the line that listened to their wives except one. Then God Shouted: Why are you in this line? I made man rule over women! The single man then replied: My wife told me to.

Clean joke: Fred Was Dirty. He Took A Bath With Bubbles.
Dirty joke: Bubbles Is The Girl Next Door.

Recently i spoke with a friend about the mess that this country is in and of course I could not blame the nations president, however those people that elected him, now they surely can be blamed. "Not so fast" my friend responded, my friend went on to give me the following perspective of whom I would be placing the blame on. Here is some food for thought.

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.

Caution! These people Vote!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for some time.) she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff"

She ALSO votes!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific"

He ALSO votes!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving"

She ALSO votes!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. My sister ALSO votes! (Something my Ex-wife would do.)

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount

He ALSO votes!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.

My friend ALSO votes!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

SHE ALSO votes!

While eating at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before> responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6.

Yep, he votes too. Now you know who elects the politicians

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Never Accept Candy From A Stranger

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At the Russian War College, a general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three, Sir?"

"Yes, comrades, it looks like you will," answers the general.

"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.

"The likelihood is that it will be China." The class is surprised, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"

"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews have been fighting against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."

"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews?"

A woman is rushed into hospital in labour with twins, sadly it turns out that she has a rare condition which causes her to slip into a coma when she feels extreme pain. Six months later the woman wakes up in her hospital bed.
"Doctor!" She asks "What happened to the children?"
"Don't worry madam" He replied, "The children are fine, you have a strong yound lad and a beatiful baby girl. Your brother collected them, named them and is now looking after them."
"Oh no! My brother is an idiot" She cried. "What did he name them?"
"Well your daughter's name is Denise" The doctor informed her.
The woman breathed a sigh of relief before asking "What about my son?"
"Denephew" The doctor replied.

-X-

In bed with her lover after several hours of passionate lovemaking, Brenda's phone rang. She told her lover, who was also her husband's best friend, to be very quiet. As she answered the phone, he listened quietly to her cheerful side of the conversation.
"Hello? Oh, hi. Oh, really? Well, that sounds wonderful! I'm so happy for you! Great! Okay, have a good time. Bye!"
She hung up the phone and her lover asked "Who was that?"
She replied "That was just my husband, telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

-X-

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. Hed walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.
She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldnt believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 68" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers "Who are you?"
The biker answers "I'm Cess."

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet. Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks. He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"

You're laughing aren't you..I know you are!!!

Oh man, that was gross!

And we're over 75 posts! Yay!

A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he’s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.
"My darling" he writes. "It looks like we’re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation’s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."
His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading "Why don’t you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says "I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"
But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let’s see how well you play that harmonica."

-X-

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu."
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
"Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu."

-X-

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled "Um ... no..."
The lawyer interrupts "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

hi, i've read most of the jokes, and i have plenty of them... I'm mexican so I'll give my best to translate to english...

there was a little parrot who never did anything, neither good nor bad, and he goes to heaven. and god told him: "hey, i can't allow you to enter the heaven, you haven't done anything and we can't judge you... we'll give you 1 day to go down there and do something so we can judge you"
the parrot, now having a new chance, thinks of what he can do to enter the heaven, and while he was thinking he sees a beautiful, little white pigeon, and he thinks "oh yeah! I'll rape her and then i'll kill her, then i'll repent and voila! they will judge me and i'll be on heaven!" he does that and then he die.

once in heaven he sees the door closed and god was all scared and overwhelmed, and the parrot ask him: "hey god, what happened? am I going to enter heaven or not..."

and god iterrumps him exclaiming:" please wait a little, we can't do anything right now, somebody has raped, and killed the holy ghost!!!"

hehe, i hope some of you had understand it...

I understood it fine. Very silly.

Since I've posted some jokes about women, I thought I'd even the balance out with these.

Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: "What Men Know About Women"

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One ... men will screw anything.

Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know .... it's never happened.

Q: What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.

Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I can do better.

Q: What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: 1. No mind. 2. No business.

Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and Filthy but wearable"

Q: Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it."
A: Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?"

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. It's worth reading to the end!

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does ! it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what! were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTOR! NEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy! started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

BTW. People are doing experiments with Diet Pepsi and Mentos Check 'em out Here.

Oh man. The same type of experiments as putting a bunch of brown sugar into a bottle of Coke? Good times.

A rich man and a poor man are talking about what they gave their wives for Valentine's Day. The rich man says "I got my wife a Mercedes and a 3 CRT. diamond ring."
The poor man asks "Why did you get her both?"
"Because if she doesn't like the diamond, she can always drive to the store and take it back...what did you get your wife?"
The poor man replies, "I got her slippers and a dildo."
The rich man says "Why did you get her a dildo?"
The poor man says, "So if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."

-X-

A couple had been married for several years when suddenly the wife decides she'd like to have breast implants.
The husband says "Now, honey, you know we can't afford that kind of thing right now."
"But I see you looking at other women" pleaded his wife "and I want to be as attractive as they are to you."
Days go by and the wife keeps insisting she needs breast implants, despite the protests of her husband. Finally, the husband has had it. So he says to his wife "Honey, I have an idea. Every day, about twice a day, wad up some toilet paper, then rub it between your breasts. Repeat it 3 or 4 times each time."
"You think that'll make my breasts larger!?" asked his wife.
"Why not?" says the husband. "It worked on your ass!"

-X-

A woman goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!
"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"
The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks "What's wrong?" She explains the situation with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"
In shock, the store manager pleads "Ma'am, why are saying you that?"
In a huff, the woman says "BECAUSE I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!

-X-

This one's a little long, so bear with me. It pays off in the end.

A driver is pulled over by a police man. Leaning out the window, the driver politely asks what's wrong, to which the policeman tells him he was speeding and asks for his license.
The driver politely informs the cop that he doesn't have one. The cop asks why, and the driver replies that he lost it after being caught drink driving for the fourth time. Caught a little off guard, the cop asks to see the man's vehicle registration papers, but again the driver declines. When asked why, he calmly informs the officer that he stole the car, then goes on to explain that he raped and mirdered the original driver, and finsihes by telling the policeman that her body is in the trunk if he'd like to have a look.
The officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes half a dozen police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun and demans that the driver exit the vehicle.
Calmly he does so, and turns to the senior officer and asks what the problem is. The officer replies that his colleague had informed him that the driver had stolen the car and murdered the owner. The driver is stunned, but complies when the officer asks him to open the boot. It's empty.
The officer asks the driver if he can prove this is his car, and the driver reaches into the front and produces both his vehicle registration papers and his drivers licence. The officer examines them both and hands them back. He looks quite puzzled, and apologises to the driver, explaining that he had been told the man had raped and murdered the original owner of the car.
The man calmly replies "Bet you he said I was speeding, too."

So this man comes home after a long day at work. Only to notice that his girlfriend is paking up her things. He asks her what shes doing and she replies "People have been saying that you're a pedofile, so I'm leaving you." And the man replies, "Pedofile eh? That's a pretty big word for a ten year-old."

I thought of this just now...

Modern Views on the Ten Commandments

God: Do not worship any other gods.
Guy: No problem...hey, are you Shiva, by any chance? Or Ganesha?

God: Do not make any idols.
[Guy looks at Buddha statue] Uh...

God: Do not misuse the name of God.
[Guy runs over girl] Oh, God!

God: Keep the Sabbath Holy.
[Guy sits half-naked on a beanbag chair eating Cheetos and watching football on Sunday. Bible's used to fix broken peg on a nearby table]

God: Honor your father and mother.
Guy: Well, Mom and Dad, I'm gonna put you in this dinky olf place while I go party at Vegas.

God: Do not murder.
[Guy accidentally shoots someone in the foot] Oh, you're alright. [Walks off]

God: Do not commit adultery.
Guy: Oh, my girlfriend's coming home, hide!

God: Do not steal.
Guy: Well, let me just borrow the neighbor's lawnmower...he can come get it later.

God: Do not lie.
Guy: No, I didn't take your lawnmower...uh, the Mafia came by and took it because they needed to, uh, mow the hedges...[Guy looks back at the lawnmower] Sweet.

God: Do not covet.
Guy: When did you get a new computer?! You know I'm getting one soon, just you wait! Think you're so hot because of that super-awesome computer that blows everything else out of the water...err, can I have it?

Harvey and Gladys

Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.?

"You know, Harvey, "she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!"

She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."?

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well.. there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

He never heard the shot.

--x--

Pic Unrelated.
[center][/center]

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the entire back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

-X-

Only in America...

...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
...do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
...do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
...do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
...do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
...do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."
...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Subject: The Organist - Naughty but funny

There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts, because she was told that would make her breasts shrink in size. (She warned her not to eat the persimmons because they make you pucker, since they are so sour.) The organist agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday"

-x-

DIVINE: What's left after you pick all the grapes.

DEFENDER: De part of de car dat covers de tires.

Why was it so hot in the baseball stadium after the game?
Because all the fans left.

If "Can't" = cannot, then does "Don't" = doughnut?

What do you get when you cross a chicken with an octopus?
Enough drumsticks for everyone!

Guess who I saw yesterday?
Everyone that I looked at.

What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
- A wind tunnel.

How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
- Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

When is a blonde going to say something smart?
- When she starts her sentence with , "A man once told me...

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
- Gifted!

What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
- Artificial intelligence.

Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
- It takes too long to retrain them.

What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
- Nothing. They've never met.

What's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth?
- Einstein's Cock.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks. "Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says: .....

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

[center]If you laugh, you are going straight to hell! :blah: [/center]

Heh.

Ah, I'm going to hell anyway.

A blonde suspected that her boyfriend was cheating on her, so she bought a gun. She went to his apartment that same day, with the pistol in hand. Sure enough, when she opened the door, she found her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. Overcome with grief, she put the gun to the side of her head. Her boyfriend screamed 'Honey, don’t do it...'
'Shut up!' the blonde yelled back. 'You're next!'

-X-

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
'There's no way they can catch a Mercedes' he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. 'What the hell am I doing?' he thought as he pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
'It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go.'
The guy thinks about it for a second and says 'Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!'
'Have a nice weekend' said the officer.

-X-

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says 'Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.'
'No, it's not that.' replies the man, drying his eyes. 'This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I get home, and I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.'

ShadowTiger wrote:
12 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

lol my dad is an electrician and my mom is the manager of a dry cleaners. 🙄

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM .

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

----x----

"Thank you for calling the White House switchboard. Our new voice activated system will help direct you to the proper office."

"If you are calling to complain about the mishandling of the war in Iraq, press one."

"If you are calling to complain about the abuse of prisoners and the White House's endorsement of torture, press two, and then say the name of the torture site that you wish to complain about (and please note for the sake of the voice mail system that it is pronounced Abu GRABE, not Abu grahb)."

"If you are calling to complain about illegal spying on American citizens and the abuse of FISA laws, press 3, but do know that these calls will be recorded."

"If you are calling to complain about the disastrous mismanagement of the hurricane Katrina recovery, please press 4, and your c all will be directed to the Federal Emergency Management Agency. If you wait for more than 48 hours without anyone picking up the phone, hang-up and send a letter. We have been assured that all letters will receive a prompt reply within one year."

"If you are calling regarding the administration's unwillingness to enforce immigration law, press cinco, por favor, or direct any thanks to your local chamber of commerce office, which can explain why we like cheap labor that can't vote and where you may be able to find willing illegal day laborers in your local area."

"If you are Jack Abramoff or any Saudi prince, please call the private line ? it is always open."

"If you are calling about the Medicare prescription debacle, please press 6. If you are having a medical emergency, you should proceed directly to your local emergency room, although please understand that your health coverage may not pay for the visit and you can no longer get out from under the bill by declaring bankruptcy."

"If you are calling about the ballooning federal deficit or the recent hike in the debt ceiling to $3 trillion, please press 7, unless you are Bill Clinton calling to brag about the surpluses under your administration, in which case we don't want to hear about it."

"If you are calling to complain about the White House's efforts to block stem cell research, please press 8, and then say the disease that you are most concerned about that may ultimately be cured through scientific research. If you are a scientist calling with new research findings or important clinical data, please hang up, we don't want to hear from you."

"If you are calling to express concern about global warming and our efforts to roll back environmental laws, please press 9, unless you are a government scientist, in which case you are forbidden to talk without first clearing it with the oil lobbyist we hired to screen and edit your research. He can be reached at Exxon 4-2611."

"If you are calling to complain about the President's efforts to "privatize" social security, please press 1 and then the pound key, and your call will be redirected to representatives at Merrill Lynch, who will explain the virtues of putting all your savings in the stock market."

"If you are calling about the need for more prayer in public schools or any other faith-based initiatives, please press 10 and Reverend Falwell will be with you shortly."

"If you are calling to lobby for more Supreme Court Justices who will block a woman's right to choose, please stay on the line and the President will be with you immediately."

"If you are calling about all the tax breaks for the wealthy, press *1 if you have ideas for more loopholes and are making more than a million dollars per year; if you are earning less than a million per year but have ideas for how you may help the wealthy, press *2; if you are earning less than a million per year and just want to complain that all the burden is now falling on you, please call back in a couple of years."

"Press zero at any time if you would like to hear these options again. Thank you for calling the White House. It is our pleasure to serve you.