[It's another day in the AGN Cafe. People are still chatting away to each other (except Archibaldo, who's on the phone to his [Strike]ho[/Strike] girlfriend again) as War Lord makes his way to the now familiar stage at the front]

War Lord: Ok guys, quiet now. [People settle down] Right. Now since you skipped out on the last one, anyone who cuts out on our latest speaker will instantly be banned for a month. So sit down and shut up!
Pineconn: [Aside to Darth] Man, he really needs to stop drinking so much coffee.
War Lord: Now I've had one or two requests to make clear that calling people gay is not cool, which leads me to out latest speaker, who i thought would be midly entertaining. Everyone welcome Petey, the Sexual Harassment Panda. [Petey enters, and he's exactly as his name implies - a giant panda]
Petey: [Starts singing]
Who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree?
Sexual Harassment Panda.
Who explains sexual harassment to you and me?
Sexual Harassment Panda.
"Don't say that! Don't touch there!
Don't be nasty!" says the silly bear.
He's come to tell you what's right and wrong.
Sexual Harassment Panda. [Stops singing and looks at the crowd] Hi, boys and girls. [Everyone is silent] Did you know that when one little panda pulls on another little panda's underwear, that's sexual harassment? That makes me a sa-a-a-a-ad panda [He drops his head to one side as he says this]
Amaster42: Ok, this is a little creepy.
Petey: And when one little panda puts his furry little willy in another panda's ear, that makes me a very sad panda. [He gets some literature from off the stage] Now, I'm going to pass out these booklets, and we're going to go through each and every sexual harassment law.
Everyone: Augh!

[The same location, some time later. Everyone looks disheveled and bored. A caption appears on screen and reads '5 Hours Later']

Petey: [Reading from the book;et] "Article 36, Section 19: One panda may not make sexual comments about another panda's appearance. If said panda does make..."
Hypercrash:Ugh. I'm not gonna make it. Someone just put me out of my misery.
Darth: Gladly.
Gleeok: Guys, be quiet. I'm trying to listen.
Darth: Seriously? What the hell is wrong with you?
Gleeok: I said shut up, you little ass-sucker!
Darth: ...what did you call me?
Gleeok: An ass-sucker. It means you suck ass. You see an ass, you suck it. You're an ass-sucker.
Darth: [Standing up, indignant] That does it! I am suing you for sexual harassment!
Petey: [Looking up from his booklet] Uh-oh.
Gleeok: You-you're kidding, right?
Darth: No! You have sexually harassed me for the last time! It says right here [He points to the booklet in his hand] that now I can sue you and take all of your money.
Petey: Uh, yeah, he can.
Gleeok: Oh come on! You can't do this to me, you miserable little cock bandit!
Darth: [Points at him] He did it again! You all heard! Sexual abuse! I'll see you in court, mister!
War Lord: [To Petey] This can't be right... can it?
Petey: [Reading from his booklet] The first party of the first panda may sue the second-party panda unless that panda was said panda aforementioned panda.

[A courthouse, later that day. The right honourable Starkist enters the Judge's pit (it is called that, right?) and a few people take seats. Darth and Gleeok are sitting at the front, sifting through papers and generally trying to look like they're doing something]

Starkist: Ok, this is Darth vs. Gleeok, Case No. 3433. What's the problem, Darth?
Darth: Uh, could we hang on just a minute, your honour? I think my lawyer is outside beating up a schoolkid for his lunch money. He'll be here any second.
Starkist: Eh, whatever. I get paid by the hour, doesn't bother me none.
Gleeok: [Aside to Pineconn, who's sitting behind him] He got a lawyer? Who'd want to represent a Dark Lord of the Sith?
Darth's Father: [Entering] Sorry I'm late, your honour.
Gleook: Your dad's a lawyer?
Darth: Of course he is, he's evil.
Starkist: All right. Let's get this thing over with, shall we? Now Darth, you claim that Gleeok here sexually harassed you.
Darth: Ah, that's correct, your honour.
Gleook: Oh whatever.
Darth: He talked about performing oral sex on my sphincter.
Gleook: I called you an ass-sucker!
Darth: Yeah, that was it. I was suh-so upset. [He sniffs, his dad comforting him] I couldn't concentrate the rest of the day. And the way his eyes kept looking at me, slowly going up and down my body, like he was undressing me with his eyes. [He hides his face in his father's coat and begins sobbing]
Gleook: What?! You call people names all the time, you son of a bitch!
Darth: [Tears streaking down his face] YOU LEAVE MY MOTHER OUT OF THIS!
Darth's Father: As you can see, your honour, my client is clearly too upset to continue.
Starkist: Damn, he's good. Alright Gleook, whaddya got to say to that?
Gleook: ...what?
Starkist: Your defense. You did come prepared, right?
Gleook: ...uh, no. I just thought you were gonna side with me 'cause Darth's an asswad.
Starkist: ...Ok, this looks pretty open-and-shut. Gleook, under the new Sexual Harassment laws, I find you guilty of all charges.
Gleook: WHAT?
Darth's Father: [Gives Gleook the finger] Ha!
Starkist: Since the defendant has no monetary resources, it is the judgment of this court that 50% of Gleook's belongings are to be handed over to Darth Marsden
immediately.
Darth: Oh, sweet as!

[Gleook's house. Darth is present with his father as a couple of collector's go round the place. Gleook looks in in anger]

Darth: Uh, let's see. Oo, that TV looks pretty sweet, I can put that in my bathroom. [One of the collectors picks it up and carries it out] Um... and let's see, what else... [He turns to Gleook] Hey, do you like that stereo?
Gleook: Uh, yeah.
Darth: Oh, well, I'll just take that, then. [One of the collectors grabs it] ...and how about those paintings on the wall? You particularly attached to them?
Gleook: ...uh, no, I hate those.
Darth: Oh, then you won't mind if I take them! [The collectors take them down and carry them over to Darth's dad]
Collector: Here you go. As your legal fee you can choose between the green meadows or the dogs playing cards.
Darth's Father: Hm. I'll have the meadow. [He walks over to Darth] You know Darth, I've been thinking...
Darth: What, the batteries? Yeah, that'd be pretty mean.
Darth's Father: No. I mean the people really responsible for your harassment is this place. [Darth looks through Gleook's drawers] Perhaps we should sue the guys who run it next.
Darth: Uh, why? I like War Lord, he's pretty cool.
Darth's Father: Well, because he's the one that let this harassment go on. And, he has a lot more money. I think we could get a lot more out of this than half of Gleook's belongings.
Darth: Huh. Well, I guess I am but the apprentice compared to you... [One of the collectors picks up a can and presses a button on it] Ooo, Gleook's asthma inhaler! I want that!

[The courthouse, day. The gavel sounds. Darth Marsden vs. AGN, The Immediate Party]

Starkist: Answer the question. Did you know that sexual harassment was going on in the Cafe?
Breaker: Well, no more then the rest of the universe, no.
Starkist: Do you even know the meaning of sexual harassment?
Breaker: We all know the freakin' meaning! Stupid Sexual Harassment Panda...
Darth's Father: Look. So did you, or did you not, hear my client being called an ass-sucker?
Breaker: Yeah.
Darth's Father: And you did nothing.
Breaker: No.
Darth's Father: Why?
Breaker: Couldn't be bothered.

[Later that day. Darth Marsden vs. AGN, The Responsible Party]

Darth's Father: War Lord, were you aware that my client was being harassesd at your facility?
War Lord: Like Breaker said, no more then the rest of the world.
Darth's Father: So you admit that harassment DOES take place?
War Lord: What? No, you're putting words in my-
Darth's Father: So it DOESN'T? Make up your mind!
War Lord: Well, I guess it does a bit, but-
Darth's Father: So it DOES go on!
War Lord: All right, all right, I killed him. I hit him over the head and I cut up the body. I tried to burn him, but it wouldn't burn! Oh, the smell of it! I put the legs in garbage bags and hid the torso under a bridge. I HAD TO DO IT!! [He beaks down on the stand] OH GOD!!!
Darth's Father: War Lord, was Darth Marsden called an ass-sucker, yes or no?
War Lord: [Composes himself] Hmm? Oh, well yeah, I think so. [The audience murmers]
Audience member: That's sexual harassment.

[The courthouse, still later. Darth Marsden vs. AGN, The Expert Witness]

Darth's Father: Last, I'd like to bring up my expert witness: Petey the Sexual Harassment Panda.
Petey: [He sings and dances as he goes to the stand]
Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow tree?
Sexual Harassment Panda.
Darth's Father: Expert witness, did AGN allow sexual harassment to go on?
Petey: Well, when one little panda asks another little panda to perform oral sex, that is sexual harassment.
Darth's Father: And who's to blame?
Petey: I'm afraid the law states that the place of residence, in this case the AGN Cafe, must be held responsible.
Darth's Father: There! You have it! Straight from the horse's mouth!
Petey: Panda.
Darth's Father: Panda's mouth.

[Darth Marsden vs. AGN, The Verdict]

Starkist: After careful review, it is the judgment of this court that the moderators of AGN pay Darth Marsden $1.3 million in damages.
Darth's Father: All right! We did it!
Darth: [He takes his jacket off and twirls it around as he sings]
It's time to celebrate, yeah. It's time to celebrate, yeah!

[Darth's house. It is literally bigger now - 50% taller, wider, deeper... Same with the garage, itself bigger than the house to its right. Furniture movers come by with new furnishings for the new, big house. Two delivery men take a big-screen TV into the house]

Darth's Dad: Yeah, that goes in the master bedroom. [Darth walks up] Well, I think we did good. What do you think of your new house?
Darth: It's... big.
Darth's Dad: Yes, it is big, isn't it? It's very... big.
Darth: ...yeah. Listen, Dad, perhaps you can help me with something.
Darth's Dad: Sure. What's up?
Darth: Well, you know Math was never my strongest point, right?
Darth's Dad: Yeah, you always did have a few problems with that. Not that it mattered, you being a Sith Lord and all. [He waves to the delivery men, who are carrying a sofa into the house] Careful with that! It cost more then you make in a month!
Darth: ...right. But see, here's where I get confused. If AGN has to pay us $1.3 million, where exactly does that money come from?
Darth's Dad: Well son, forums have lots of money. You see, we all pay subscriptions, and most of that subscription money goes to the forum you're subscribing to, and it's from that money that we got our 1.3 million.
Darth: [Thinks for a moment] ...and you don't see a problem with that?
Darth's Dad: No. It's a very fragile system that nature has designed. All things flow into each other.
Darth: Oh, that's the biggest load of bull I've heard since 'Don't worry, I'll pull out'.
Darth's Dad: Just look at our house. Look at it! It's huge! Seriously, don't worry. It's all cool.

[The AGN Cafe, some days later. All the chairs and tables are gone, and the stage has been replaced by an old milk carton, which War Lord is curently standing on]

War Lord: Ok guys, now I know there's a few changes going on, but don't worry, things will still go on as normally as possible. Now I know most of you have a few questions, so we'll go with a show of hands. [Nearly everyone's hand shoots up] Uh, yes Amaster?
Amaster42: Why do we have to sit on the floor?
Pineconn: Yeah, and how come the only thing we can order costs $300?
War Lord: Alright, well, a lot of cuts have had to be made since our normal source of funding is a little short due to lawsuits. And seriously, that is some of the finest toast you will ever eat and it's totally worth point 3 kays.
Gleook: Dammit Darth, you see what you've done?
Darth: Hey, all I know is that I craved justice. And justice bought me this sweet Fedora [He pulls one out of his coat and puts it on] actually worn by Harrison Ford.
VEL: Wow! I wanna sue somebody!
Dechipher: Me too. I wanna get a lawyer!
Everyone: Yeah!

[The offices of Sith Lords and Jackson. Darth's Dad is in his office looking out the window. His briefcase is open. Music starts for a commercial]

Darth's Dad: [Turns around] Guys! Are you tired of being harassed? Sick of being called a homo? A farty-pants? A butt-face? Then call me, Darth's dad, and I'll help you [He slams his briefcase shut] close the lid on sexual harassment!
VEL: After a guy tried to put his tongue in my mouth, I knew I needed legal help. Darth's dad helped me get a $1.6 million settlement, and this bright new shiny motorbike. Thanks, Darth's dad! [Revs the bike and rides away]
Dechipher: [On a yacht, The Litigator, sunning himself] Darth's dad got me 1.4 million, and he can do it for you, too. Just look at all these beautiful girls! [Four of them come to cater to him]
Darth's Dad: So call me, Darth's dad. Because it's not about money, it's about... no wait, it is about the money. Right? Ah, who cares, just call me! [He jumps for joy. This shot is frozen as the jingle is sung]
Singers: Folks picking on you? Well, don't be sad.
Just sue their asses with Darth's dad! [The text 'Call now! 1-555-SUE THEM' appears at the bottom of the screen]

[An AGN Moderators Meeting is taking place in War Lord's office. Everyone's sitting on the floor while War Lord is reading from what looks likt the back of a pizza box]

Breaker: Ok, what other cuts do we have to make?
War Lord: Uh, well, next is Tom Morris. He plays Sexual Harassment Panda.
PrrKitty: Oh, god. Well we sure as hell can't afford him anymore.
Breaker: Guys, I did a little research on this guy, and... well, he takes his job a little seriously.
Petey: [Enters the room] Hello, sexual harassment cubs. [Starts singing]
Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow tree?
Sexual Harassment Panda.
PrrKitty: Uh, have a seat, Mr. Morris.
Petey: Who?
PrrKitty: Oh, right. Sorry. 'Sexual Harassment Panda'.
Petey: Oh, all right. [He looks for seat, realizes that there aren't any and sits on the floor]
War Lord: Now Mr. Morris, we here have been thinking, and we've decided that perhaps a 'panda' isn't the best way to explain sexual harassment to our members. [Petey's head tilts]
PrrKitty: You see Mr. Morris, we believe that a panda doesn't really have anything to do with sexual harassment. [Long pause] At all.
Petey: I'm afraid I don't understand you, cubs.
Breaker: Well, ever since you came here and explained about sexual harassment, everybody's gotten it into their heads to sue each other and now now we can barely afford the clothes on our backs. So, basically, we want you to get the hell out.
Petey: Oh. [He rubs his eyes] I'm a sa-a-a-a-ad panda.

[Back at the courthouse, we get to see the lawsuits fly. At the moment, it's AtmaWeapon vs. MrCow]

Starkist: MrCow, it is the judgment of this court that you sexually harassed AtmaWeapon.
MrCow: Ah, no way!
AtmaWeapon: Yeah, chew on that! [Gives MrCow the finger]
MrCow: This is ridiculous!
Starkist: Look, you asked Atma to suck your... you know what. You've gotta give Atma half your stuff, and the forum must give him 1.6 million.
War Lord: [PrrKitty and Breaker sits with him] Oh dear God!
Darth's Dad: Damn, I'm good!
Starkist: Next!

[Old-skoool vs. Mottzilla. They go to their respective podiums]

Mottzilla: Yeah, this guy touched my thigh.
Old-skool: I accidentally brushed it in the hall!
Starkist: Half his belongings, forum is sued for 2.1 million.
PrrKitty: We're ruined!
Starkist: Next!

[biggiy05 vs. punkonjunk1024. They go to their respective podiums]

punkonjunk1024: Uh, he commented on the shape of my ass.
biggiy05: I was talking about someone else!
Starkist: Half his stuff, 2 million from the forum.
Breaker: Oh, this is pathetic!
Starkist: Next!

[AtmaWeapon vs. MrCow. They go to their respective podiums]

MrCow: That guy made a suggestive gesture to me.
AtmaWeapon: It was the finger!
Starkist: Half his stuff, 1.9 million from the forum.
War Lord: Oh, come on!
Starkist: Next!

[Back at the AGN Cafe, moocow has gathered together a bunch of people, and she's up on the box talking to them]

moocow: Ok guys, now we've gotta come up with a way of stopping all these lawsuits! So who here has any ideas? [We see her view of the group, with Darth's dad standing at the back of them] Uh, mrz84, how about you? Any ideas?
mrz84: Um...
Darth's Dad: [Admonishing] Don't answer that!
moocow: O-kay... how about you, Warlock?
Warlock: Uh... [Darth's dad whispers in his ear] Oh, ok. I refuse to answer that wuestion on the grounds that it may incinerate me. [Darth's dad whispers in his ear again] Oh, right. Incriminate. Sorry.
moocow: Ok guys, I'm having a real problem with you having lawyers! It's really disrupting things for everyone! [Darth's dad approaches and whispers in her ear] Uh huh. Ri- oh, uh oh, I see. Oh, okay. Ri-ight. [Darth's dad leaves] Guys, what I meant to say is that I fully condone you all having lawyers and support your legal recourses in every way. Now, let's get back to the whole lawsuit issue, if that's okay with you?

Darth Marsden 03 Oct 2007, 16:06

...continued...

[Sometime later, the gang is siting in a corner of the Cafe. They're the only ones there, except for majoras_wrath, who is, for some reason, standing by the enterance dressed like a waiter]

Pineconn: Man, this place has been so quiet lately.
Gleook: Everyone's probably off spending all their ill-gotten gains.
Darth: Is there any other type of gains to be gotten? [He waves to majoras_wrath, who approaches the group]
majoras_wrath: Hey guys, what can I get you?
Darth: Yeah, I think I'll have some of that toast, thanks.
majoras_wrath: Yeah, you know they've had to raise the price of that, right?
Darth: Really? By how much?
majoras_wrath: Uh, well, it's two and a half thousand now.
Darth: [Standing up, outraged] WHAT? Why the hell would they charge so much for a piece of heated bread?
majoras_wrath: It's the lawsuits! They're trying to raise as much money as possible!
Darth: Well, that's just a step too far! Something has to be done!
Amaster42: You don't have two and a half grand, do you?
Darth: ...no.
Gleook: What the hell did you spend it all on?
Darth: I got to make a fifth series of Enterprise.
Amaster42: Really? Can I see it?
Darth: No, I'm still sorting out the rights.
Pineconn: Well, at least you're spending your money on something sensible. But even so, you're right - something does need to be done.
Gleook: Yeah! About flippin' time.
Darth: Alright, alright. Let's see what War Lord has to say.

[The gang get up and walk over to War Lord's office. As they enter, War Lord screams and runs over to the corner, where he curls up in a ball and starts rocking back and forth]

Amaster42: Woah. What's up with him?
Gleook: I bet it's lawsuit related.
War Lord: No more lawsuits... no more lawsuits!
Darth: Relax, we're not gonna sue you.
War Lord: Re-really?
Darth: Well, not right now, anyway. [War Lord goes back to his rocking] I'm kidding! I think the whole fad's over.
Amaster42: Yeah, it's definately run its course.
War Lord: Honest? [The group all nod] Oh, thank god. I quite literally have no money left at all.
Darth: Yeah, sorry about that.
War Lord: [Getting up] Oh, I don't blame you. If you hadn't done it, someone else would have. At least you put the money to something productive.
Darth: Heh, yeah. I really should give them a call, see how filming's getting on.
War Lord: You do that. Me, I wanna find that sodding panda. I blame him for this whole mess.
Pineconn: Oh yeah, Sexual Harassment Panda. We should totally find him.

[Meanwhile, at The Big Company...]

Company rep: Well. Your credentials are very impressive, and you do seem to have a lot of ambition, but I'm afraid there's no room for you at our comapany at this time.
Petey: It's because I'm a panda, isn't it?
Company rep: Well, it's not because you're a panda. It's because you're a sexual harassment panda.
Petey: I can't help what I am.
Company rep: Yes, well have you ever heard of a retreat called 'The Island of Misfit Mascots'?
Petey: Well yes, but that place is for loser mascots that make no sense.
Company rep: Well, uh, yes. the thing is, they may be... just what you're looking for.
Petey: I don't have to sit here and listen to this! How would you like a big panda punch in your puss?

[Super Uber Sexy Action News Report 3000!]

Anthony: As sexual harassment lawsuits increase all over the state, the mother of all trials is set to begin. The sexual harassment case of Everyone vs. Everyone begins tomorrow. No matter what the outcome, the forums are sure to lose at least a whopping $30 million. Representing the side of Everyone is Darth's Dad, the lawyer from AGN who plans to make quite a commission. Representing the side of Everyone Else is Darth's Dad. So whatever the outcome, things look very bright for Darth's Dad. Personally, I think Darth's Dad is just a whore, taking advantage of everyone in town and... [A note is handed to him] This just in! Newscaster Anthony Brasel is being sued by Darth's Dad for slander. The newscaster has yet to be reached for comment. Wait...

[Some nameless bar in the middle of nowhere. A jukebox is playing some depressingly suicidal music. Petey sits at the bar, and three unsavory patrons, two of them seated, study him]

Jukebox: Some days just seem lonely
Still, there don't seem to be no end in sight...
Barkeep: Another scotch? [Petey nods affirmatively, and the barkeep serves up another scotch. Petey sips]
Jukebox: So I'll drive this ol' 18-wheeler down the highway...
Skeeter: Hey! Panda bear! [Petey lowers his drink to look at him] We don't take kindly to your types in here!
Barkeep: Now, calm down, Skeeter. He ain't hurtin' nobody.
Skeeter: NO! [He approaches Petey] I wanna know som'in' from Mr. Panda Bear here! If you pandas are from mountainous areas of China and Tibet, how come you eat bamboo, which is prone to grow only in drier, more arid regions? [Petey has no answer]
Barkeep: Now Skeeter, I don't want no trouble now.
Petey: It's ok. I get it. There's no room in the world for pandas. Well, you don't have to worry about me! I'm off to the Island of Misfit Mascots! [He rises, throws some money on the bar and goes out the door. Skeeter watches him go]
Barkeep: Damnit, Skeeter! How come every time a panda bear come in here you gotta go flappin' your jaw?

[Darth's house. It now has massive front doors, five stories, and a water fountain just to the right of the doors. The garage itself is bigger than the house next to it. More furniture arrives]

Darth's Dad: [Notices Drth arrive] Well? What do you think?
Darth: ...what was wrong with the old house?
Darth's Dad: Well, nothing. But this one is BIGGER!
Darth: Yeah. Listen, about tomorrow's trial, Everyone vs. Everyone.
Darth's Dad: Hmm?
Darth: Ok, you need to stop it. Right now.
Darth's Dad: What? Why?
Darth: 'cause it's seriously gonna screw everything up.
Darth's Dad: Y'know what? I need to explain something to you.
Darth: No Dad, you don't. You just want more money then everyone else, I get it.
Darth's Dad: That's not it at all. Y'see, we live in a liberal, democratic society. And Democrats make sexual harassment laws. These laws tell us what we can and can't say in the workplace. And what we can and can't do in the workplace.
Darth: [Sighs in a tired fashion] Isn't that fascism?
Darth's Dad: No, because we don't call it that. Do you understand?
Darth: Do you?
Darth's Dad: Dammit son, just look at how big this house is. Look at it! It's even got a heated pool now! Are you seriously telling me you don't want a heated pool?
Darth: Not if it means everyone I know has to spend the rest of their lives eating stale bread and sleeping in cardboard boxes! [Storms off]
Darth's Dad: [Yelling after Darth] Cardboard boxes are surprisngly comfy, y'know!

[Meanwhile, Amaster42, Gleook and Pineconn enter the bar. The three patrons are still there]

Pineconn: 'scuse me.
Barkeep:[I] What can I do for you?
[I]Pineconn: Somebody told us they saw a big panda bear in here.
Barkeep: Big panda bear, big panda bear, hmm...
Skeeter: Hey! Kid! We don't take kindly to your types in here!
Barkeep: Now, calm down, Skeeter. They ain't hurtin' nobody.
Skeeter: NO! [He approaches Stan] I wanna know som'in' from Mr. I'm Just A Little Kid here! How come you types are always wearin' them funny white headphone things and bobbin' your heads back and forth?!
Gleook: ...because we're listening to MP3 players?
Barkeep: Now Skeeter, I don't want no trouble.
Patron with hat: [Pointing at Amaster42] We don't take kindly to your types around here!
Amaster42: What the hell is going on? [Darth enters the bar]
Skeeter: [Pounds the counter] We don't take kindly to strangers!
Darth: Yeah? Well I don't take kindly to you!
Patron with hat: [Pointing at Darth] Well, we don't take kindly to folks that don't take kindly around here. [They look anew at each other, and nothing more is said among them]
Pineconn: Ugh. Thanks Darth. Any luck with your dad?
Darth: Nope. Any luck here?
Amaster42: Hang on. [To the barkeep] Look, did you see a panda in here or not?
Barkeep: Alright, he was here. He said somethin' about the Island of Misfit Mascots.
Gleook: Where's that?
Barkeep: If I'm not mistaken, it's over near the Jenkins place.
Pineconn: Come on, let's go. [The gang make their way past the men and leave]
Skeeter: Whoa! Look at her! [A blonde sits alone at the bar] Hey! Beautiful woman! [She sips a beer and lowers the bottle] We don't take kindly to your types around here!
Barkeep: Now Skeeter, she ain't hurtin' nobody.

[The courthouse, the next day. Everyone vs. Everyone begins. Everyone is chattering in the audience]

Starkist: This is Case No. 47g, Everyone vs. Everyone. [He bangs his gavel, and all fall quiet] Representing the side of Everyone is Darth Marsden Senior.
Darth's Dad: Thank you, your honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Everyone has committed a crime here, and Everyone must pay for that crime. My client, Everyone, has been hurt by this crime and must be compensated.

[The Island Of Misfit Mascots Commune. The gang has, finally, reached the front gate]

Gleook: [Reads] 'Island Of Misfit Mascots Commune'. This must be the place. [They enter and are quickly approached by a man in a worm costume]
Willy: Hello there, boys.
Pineconn: Who the hell are you?
Willy: I'm Willy, the 'Don't Stare Directly Into The Sun' Worm. Now, you boys know not to stare directly into the sun, right?
The Gang: Yes.
Willy: That can burn your retinas and make you blind. [He pulls out some shades and a cane, puts on the shades, and sticks the cane out, to simulate a blind person, then puts his props away]
Anaster42: Yeah, thanks for that. [A man in a pig costume rushes up snapping two pairs of scissors around]
Oinky: Oink oink! Be sure to run around with scissors, says Oinky, the 'Run Around With Scissors' Pig.
Gleook: I thought you weren't supposed to run around with scissors.
Willy: That's why he's on the Island Of Misfit Mascots. [Oinky walks away]
Pineconn: Look, have you seen any panda bears?
Willy: Hm... [A man in a falcon costume shows up behind the gang]
Jimmy: Hey, kids! I'm Jimmy, the 'Don't Hold On To A Large Magnet While Someone Else Uses A Fan Nearby' Falcon!
Amaster42: What.
Jimmy: Here, watch. [He hands a large magnet to Darth, then walks to a wind-generating fan and turns it on. As the blades rev up, the magnet tugs at Darth]
Darth: Now why in the hell would you give me this? [He throws the magnet at Jimmy, and it catches him round the next. Before he can remove it, he's pulled into the fans of the blade and chopped up into bits. The others look at him in siilence as a man in a fish costume removes the hat from his head and holds it to his chest in respect]
Willy: ...poor Jimmy. I always knew someone would do that to him someday.
Gleook: Hey! There he is! [Petey, the Sexual Harssment Panda, seated on a bench while a whale and an octopus dance to his song]
Petey: Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow tree?
Sexual Harassment Panda. [The gang rush up, and the whale and octopus leave]
Gleook: Are we glad to find you! You have to come back to AGN, quick!
Petey: Why?
Pineconn: Because! Everyone is suing everyone else, and you're pretty much the cause of it all!
Petey: Seems all I do now is cause trouble. [A man in a badger costume walks up to them]
Happy: Hello kids, I'm Happy, the 'Don't Do Stuff That Might Irritate Your Inner Ear' Badger. [There's a long silence as the guys just stare at Happy] Well, I'll leave now.
Gleook: C'mon Sexual Harassment Panda. People listen to you. You have to get them to stop suing each other.
Petey: But, I'm just a panda.
Darth: Dammit all, you're a guy in a panda costume! [All the other mascots within hearing distance turn to see the cause of this outburst]
Willy: [Rushing over to Petey and the gang] Hey, I'm a real worm, pal!!
Darth: No. No you're not. You're just a bunch of very delusional people who should really be on national TV, where you belong.
Willy: You have no right to tell u where we should or shouldn't be!
Pineconn: Dammit Darth, this isn't helping! [To Petey] Ok, let's just say you are a panda. But being Sexual Harassment Panda isn't helping anyone right now. You used to use your panda powers to teach people about sexual harassment. But now you need to teach a new message. A new massage that people will find useful again.
Petey: What message?
Gleook: That people shouldn't sue each other all the time.
Petey: ...You know? You little cubs might just be right.
Pineconn: Yeah!
Petey: [Jumps up and stands] Ok!

[The courthouse. Closing arguments are beginning]

Darth's Dad: Your honor, I'd like to make my closing arguments.
Gleook: [Bursting in] Wait! [The others in the group and Petey follow]
Limzo: Hey, it's Sexual Harassment Panda.
Pineconn: [Facing the audience] No! He's a whole new panda now, and he's got something to say.
Petey: Hello, everyone. I'm Petey the 'Don't Sue People' Panda.
Lilith: 'Don't Sue People' Panda?
Skeeter: [Standing up] Hey! We don't take kindly to folks that don't sue people 'round here!
Barkeep: Now Skeeter, he ain't hurtin' nobody.
Petey: Listen to me: when you sue somebody, it hurts everyone. You sue for money, but where do you think that money comes from? From the schools, from taxes, from the state. From you. [The courtroom is silent, listening] There's no such thing as free money. When you sue somebody, you take money away from parks and schools and charities, and put it in your own pocket. And that makes me a sa-a-a-a-ad panda. [Reactions are seen in the faces of various people in the courtroom]
Master Maniac: I'm a sad panda, too.
Glenn the Great: I'm a really sad panda. I didn't know we were doing all that damage. This is all that damn lawyer's fault! [People get angry at Darth's Dad]
Archibaldo: [Rises] Yeah! Let's sue the lawyer!
All: [Rising] Yeah!
Darth's Dad: [Approaches Petey and the gang] No! Don't you see? The panda's right. Boy, what a great message he has! When you sue people, you just end up causing a lot of problems for society. I've... really learned something today. All I could see was the millions of dollars coming to me and I didn't care about where the money came from. Well, I'm no longer doing sexual harassment lawsuits in schools! They're too vague and two easily corruptible. Thank you, Sexual Harassment Panda!
Petey: 'Don't Sue People' Panda.
Darth's Dad: Yeah, whatever, sooo let's not... sue anyone again. Ok, come on, guys. Let's go get some ice cream!
Petey and the gang: Hooray!
Petey: Pandas love ice cream. [Darth's Dad, Petey, and the gang leave the courtroom]
Starkist: Well, seeing as we have no lawyers, I'm throwing the case out! Case dismissed! [He smacks his gavel and leaves the bench]
Skeeter: [As people in the audience leave] Hey! We don't take too kindly to cases being dismissed around here!
Barkeep: [Passing him] God dammit Skeeter, shut the hell up.

[This is a Public Service Announcement from the people of AGN]

Petey: Hello cubs. I'm Petey, the 'Don't Sue People' Panda, with an important message for you! Lawsuits damage our society. I know it's tempting to make money, but just remember: that money has to come from somewhere. And usually, it ends up hurting a lot of innocent people. So, until next time, don't let frivolous sexual harassment lawsuits ruin our communities. Buh-bye now. [He walks off]

Prrkitty 03 Oct 2007, 21:48

Darthy... yet again you provide MUCH enjoyment for us! thanks hon 😊

The_Amaster 03 Oct 2007, 23:38

Heh, nice job as always Darth. I always loved that episode.

Pineconn 04 Oct 2007, 21:42

Interesting.

*snaps out of it*

I have to say, you've conjured up yet another excellent episode. Many laughs, many snickers. Only I think the idea of singing pandas in going to remain in my head for a few weeks... 😛

Darth Marsden 24 Dec 2007, 16:23

Merry Christmas, bitches.

Episode XIII - The Fairer Sex

[The optometrist's office. A penguin sits above the OPTOMETRIST sign. Darth and his mother are waiting in the lobby. Dathis busy tinkering with his lightsaber while his mother is reading a 6-month out of date magazine. A poster off to one side reads 'Real eyes the beauty within']
Darth: [Looking at his watch] Christ Mum, we've been here ages! How much longer is this gonna take?
Darth's Mother: I don't know. But be patient, ok? You have to see the eye doctor.
Darth: Don't know why. I'm a freakin' Sith Lord. You don't see Dark Lords of the Sith walking around wearing glasses, do you?
Darth's Mother: Not unless you count your father.
Darth: No, he wore contacts. Big difference.
Doctor's Assistant: [At the door, flatly] Darth Marsden. [A poster behind her looks like her]
Darth: [Entering the examination room] If this isn't over in 10 minutes, your life is forfeit. [The assistant blinks for a few seconds, then follows him in to close the door]

Optometrist: Hello, Darth.
Darth: [Resigned] Hi, Dr. Lott
Dr. Lott: And how's my Sithy Withy today?
Darth: [Pointing his finger at him] You call me that one more time, and I will strangle you to death with your own intestines.
Dr. Lott: Well, someone's in a bad mood today!
Darth: Look, I'm just here for an eye exam, all right?! Keep the stupid jokes to yourself!
Dr. Lott: Ok, ok. Hop up on the chair. [Darth hops up] Don't corrupt it now!
Darth: I swear to god, when I kill you, angels will descend from heaven and sing my praise.
Dr. Lott: O...k. Let's see how your eyes are doing. [Lowers a refractor to Darth's eyes] All you have to do is read the letters. Can you see the letters?
Darth: Yes.
Dr. Lott: All right, read them out for me.
Darth: I am an evil bastard. Hey! [The optometrist laughs. Darth stands up on the chair and pushes the refractor away] That does it! [He reaches for his lightsaber, only to realise that it's still in pieces in the waiting room]
Dr. Lott: No, no. That, that was just a weird coincidence. [His voice fades as he removes the card from the refractor] I honestly don't know how that happened. [Reads the card] 'I am am evil bastard.' Wow! What are the odds of that? [Throws it away] All right, let's get down to business, shall we? [Places the refractor back on Darth's face]
Darth: Yes, lets.
Dr. Lott: [Begins to calibrate] Hmm, let's see, which is better: one, or two? One, or two?
Darth: They look exactly the same.
Dr. Lott: Just pick one. Or two.
Darth: I don't know, two!
Dr. Lott: [Flips between two women] Okay. One, or two? One, or two?
Darth: Is the second one Jordan?
Dr. Lott: I think so.
Darth: Then one.
Dr. Lott: [Flips between a fluffy little bunny and a landspeeder] One, or two? One, or two?
Darth: Two.
Dr. Lott: No! The answer is one, you little hellspawn! One! [He hits Darth through the refractor]
Darth: Oh, I'm gonna need a new optometrist in a minute.
Dr. Lott: [Removes the refractor] Well, all kidding aside, there is obviously a problem with your eyes. I'm gonna have to dilate them and run some tests.

[Sometime later in the AGN Cafe. Pineconn, erm2003 and Amaster42 are waiting to be served]
Pineconn: I wonder where Darth is?
Amaster42: Yeah. He's nearly always here when he's not with the band.
Pineconn: Hey, when's their next gig? I could do with a dose of heavy rock.
erm2003: I think they're broke up. Or they're working on an album. Or something.
Darth: [Enters with very dilated pupils] Actually Dechipher wanted to work on some solo stuff, so we're just chilling for the moment.
Amaster42: [Squinting hard for a better look] Whoa, what happened to your eyes, man?
Darth: Ruddy eye doctor made them all dilated.
erm2003: Why?
Darth: Why? Well, because he's an idiot, a-a-and that's about it.
Pineconn: Why do you have to see an eye doctor?
Darth: Because, apparently, my eyes suck. But that doctor likes to torture me and I have to go back tomorrow, and I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Amaster42: Hey, didn't Archibaldo have his eyes tested recently? Why don't you just ask him for advice?
Darth: Hey, that's a good idea. [The four leave and head for Archibaldo's pad. Darth walks into several tables as he does so. Eventually, they reach Archibaldo's house. They knock on the door, only to be met by a bunch of black gangstas]

Gangstas: Word up, yo.
Pineconn: Uh...
Gangstas: Whatchu want, playas?
Darth: I'll handle this. [To the gangstas] Hey dogs. Me an' ma crew wanna know where dat foo' who's crib this was is at.
Gangstas: That cracker? He up an' left this pad for that white trash ho o' his, man.
Darth: Fo real?
Gangstas: Straight up, dawg.
Darth: Crazy ass foo'.
Gangstas: Fo shure.
Darth: A'right, much love, brother. Peace out.
Gangstas: Word to yo momma. [They close the door and Darth addresses the others]
Darth: Ok, first of all - we have gangstas now? Sweet.
erm2003: Archibaldo?
Darth: Right. He moved in with his girlfriend. Rebecca, I think her name was.
Pineconn: Kelly.
Darth: Yeah, Which is short for Rebecca.
Amaster42: ...whatever. Where did she live again?

[Sometime later. They're in a completely different city, although which one, we've never been told. Re-read Episode X, see if I'm not right. Anyway. The group approaches a small house surrounded by a garden. Y'know, the sort you see in Better Homes and Garden magazine. Amaster42 rings the doorbell and Archibaldo, wrapped in a lavender towel, opens the door]
Archibaldo: Oh! Hey guys.
erm2003: What the hell are you doing? We've been searching for you for hours!
Archibaldo: I did leave a note with the guys who bought the house.
Pineconn: The gangstas?
Archibaldo: They were gangstas? ...well, that certainly explains a lot.
Amaster42: Look, what's all this about moving in with someone?
Archibaldo: Right, Kelly.
Pineconn: But wait... didn't she think a long-distance relationship wouldn't work?
Archibaldo: Right. But we both really liked each other, so...
erm2003: Well, that's fine, but we have a problem. Darth's got this really annoying eye doctor, and we thought- [Is interrupted by Kelly appearing besides Archibaldo in the doorway]
Kelly: Who is it, dear? [Sees] Oh, hey guys! How are you?
All 4: Bad.
Kelly: Aw! How so?
Darth: Well, apparently there's something wrong with my eyes, but the only eye doctor around is a real bastard. [Kelly stiffens at the word 'bastard', and Archibaldo coughs and leans in to Darth]
Archibaldo: [Quietly - not quite whispering, but not quite talking normally] Listen, do you think you could watch your language around Kelly?
Darth: [Equally quiet] ...no.
Kelly: Well, bad language aside... [She clears her throat] ...I have to say, I think I know the guy you're talking about. And the solution is to just kill him-
Darth: Good as done!
Kelly: ...I meant with kindness. [Darth just stares at her, as if the word was a mystery to him] Y'know, be nice to him? [Darth keeps staring at her] Y'know? [Still staring] ...maybe if we sang it, Archy?
Archibaldo: Yeah, that might make more sense to him.
Kelly: Especially now that he's a big rock star, eh? [The pair laugh as the others look on in shock and horror]
Pineconn: But... you hate the name 'Archy'...
Kelly: Pulls a guitar from somewhere] Now, how did it go? Playing the guitar and singing
There's got to be a morning after
if we can hold on to the night
[Archibaldo: [Joining in]
We have a chance to find the sunshine.
Let's keep on looking for the light.
Darth: Urge to kill rising...

[Sometime later. The group are sitting on the kerb, looking dismayed]

Amaster42: That bitch!
Pineconn: She's stealing Archibaldo from us.
erm2003: He didn't even seem like Archibaldo. He seemed like a empty shell of a man.
Darth: Maybe it's just a phase. We just have to get him alone so we can tell him what a bad influence she is.
Pineconn: Wait, wait. [All pensive like] Maybe, is it possible that we're just jealous because Archibaldo is our friend, and now he's paying attention to somebody new? [The others think about it]
Darth: Yeah, so?
Pineconn: Yeah, screw that bitch.
erm2003: Look, we've just gotta get Archibaldo alone. He won't listen to reason with that hooker around.
Amaster42: Let's find out where he's working and go see him there tomorrow.
Pineconn: Good idea.

[The next day, inside the optometrist's office. Dr. Lott sits in the examination room holding a clipboard]

Dr. Lott: All right, we got the test results back, Sithy-
Darth: [Sitting on the chair, his pupils normal again] Stop calling me that!
Dr. Lott: You've got a small astigmatism that's causing all the problems.
Darth: So, what does that mean?
Dr. Lott: It means, my little Lord of Chaos, that your eyesight is never going to get better.
Darth: [Furious, but valiantly struggling to remain calm on the outside] All right. Right now, I'm gonna be totally serious. Ok? If you call me Sithy, or a Lord of Chaos, or anything even remotely along those lines one more time, I'm gonna leap out of this chair, rip your nuts off with my bare hands and make you choke to death on them. Ok?
Dr. Lott: Well, don't worry. I've got something that's going to make your eyes as good as new. [He puts a pair of blocky glasses on Darth]
Darth: [Seeing how they look and fit] Oh no. Just, no. I am not wearing these.
Dr. Lott: I know, the hardest thing to do is get folks to wear their glasses.
Darth: I'm just gonna take them off as soon as I leave.
Dr. Lott: Well, that's why we have the little stapler. [He takes it out and starts stapling the glasses to Darth's head]
Darth: Ow! You... Right, that's it. You're gonna wake up tomorrow completely limbless! You hear me! LIMBLESS!

[Later on, in a business district looking area, Amaster42, erm2003 and Pineconn are walking down, checking all the buildings]

Pineconn: Ok, War Lord said that Archibaldo works in one of these buildings. [The gang run into Darth in front of Steinburg & Burgstein Accounting]
Darth: Hey guys. [Darth is now wearing a pair of much more fashionable glasses, much smaller then the ones originally stapled to his head]
Amaster42: Hey, nice glasses.
Darth: Yeah, it's amazing what you can do with a blowtorch and a screwdriver.

[The group head inside. Entering, they see the receptionist]

Receptionist: Hello and welcome to Steinburg & Burgstein. Can I help you?
Pineconn: We wanna talk to Archibaldo.
Receptionist: Archibaldo?
Amaster42: He's a big guy, lot of attitude.
erm2003: Would have started fairly recently.
Darth: Totally whipped.
Receptionist: Oh! You mean Mason!
erm2003: Huh?
Receptionist: Third cubicle on the left [He directs them to the work area, where Archibaldo's hair can just be seen over the top of the cubicle. The others move over to him, but the receptionist stops Darth] Hey! Aren't you that cute little kid from Jerry Maguire?
Darth: [Dismissively] Huh? Uh, yeah, sure sure.
Receptionist: Wow! You really got fat. [At this, Darth pulls out his saber and beheads the receptionist. Looking at his work with a satisfied smile, he puts the saber away and joins the others]
Archibaldo: [Realising he has visitors] Oh, hey guys.
All 4: Hey.
Archibaldo: Hey, nice glasses, Darth!
erm2003: Ok, enough pleasantries. You have to dump the bitch!
Archibaldo: Huh?
Amaster42: Yeah, we need you, man.
Man: [Pops up from another cubicle] Hey, Archy, we're gonna run down to the office supply store and get some leather holders for our pagers, you wanna come?
Archibaldo: You bet! [The guy grins]
Darth: Dammit man, this place isn't you!
Archibaldo: Guys, Kelly showed me that I've been living a very empty life. Meaningless sex is fun for a couple of years, but after that, it starts to get old.
erm2003: But we don't like her.
Archibaldo: Why not?
erm2003: ...I don't know. No reason I guess.
Archibaldo: Guys, friends get girlfriends all the time. It's something even you will have to face with each other some day.
Darth: You know what? I don't even care about that. I don't know what to do about my stupid glasses.
Archibaldo: You don't want 'em?
Darth: Not bloody likely.
Archibaldo: Well, then get laser corrective surgery. That's what I did.
Darth: Laser corrective surgery! Now why didn't I think of that? [Smacks head] Thanks!
Archibaldo: See? Everything's gonna be fine. Now how about I meet you guys after work and we can play ball?
All 4: Ok!

[The Forum Games section. The group wait for Archibaldo. Darth carries a bat in his right hand and a baseball in his left]
Pineconn: Archibaldo'll be here any minute.

[Day passes into night, and erm2003 falls asleep. The others stand watch waiting for Archibaldo, but there's no sign of him. The night turns to day, and still no Archy. erm2003 wakes up]

Amaster42: [Pissed] He bailed on us!
Pineconn: [Pissed] I can't believe it!
Darth: That's it. Come on. [They leave the Forum Games section and head for Archibaldo's house.]

[Archibaldo's house, inside. There's a knock on the door and the man himself answers. The boys stand outside, angry]
Archibaldo: Oh! Uh, hey guys.
erm2003: All right, mister! You better have a good explanation for why you didn't show up to play ball!
Archibaldo: Oh, I'm sorry! I completely forgot!
AMaster42: [Sarcasticly] You forgot!
Archibaldo: Kelly surprised me at the office and took me out to dinner. [Dreamily] She's so amazing.
Darth: Yeah? Well, let me tell you something about your precious Kelly, you son of a-
Kelly: [Appears behind Archibaldo] Hey guys!
Darth: Uh, we're kind of having a guy moment here, if you don't mind?
Archibaldo: Guys, I've got some great news for you. Kelly and I are getting married. [DRAMATIC RIFF!!!]
Pineconn: Oh no. No nononononono!
Archibaldo: My whole family's coming here for the wedding, and I want you guys to be there as well.
Kelly: This is so wonderful! Let's sing! [She gets the guitar]
There's got to be a morning after.
Archibaldo: If we can hold on through the night.
We have a chance to find the sunshine.

More after Christmas...

The_Amaster 24 Dec 2007, 17:00

Ha ha, great as aways Darth. I love it!

Just one mistake...

[The Forum Games section. The group wait for Chef. Darth carries a bat in his right hand and a baseball in his left]

erm2003 24 Dec 2007, 17:20

Yes! I have become a main character! I love it! Keep up the good work Darth!

Pineconn 03 Jan 2008, 00:44

This is exactly why some stickied threads shouldn't be stickied. I completely missed your new (yet incomplete) story until just now.

Which was amazing. :giggle:

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