Darth's Fan-Fiction Thread

It wasn't me, it was the big tobacco companies, with their millions of dollars! 😛

majora: I've no idea of who's read these stories. The only way I know for sure is if they post and let me know. I don't know about War Lord or Breaker, but I do know the following have read at least some of my stories:

AlexMax (I haven't used him in a story yet, have I?), Amaster42, biggiy05, Dechipher, elise, Fabiano the Spy, gdorf, Glenn the Great, majoras_wrath (Don't think I've used him either), moocow, mrz84, Pineconn, Pineconn_lolz, PrrKitty, Sam Atoms (Or him), Stungun (Same again), SUCCESSOR (I've used him, right?) and The Cyborg.

If anyone else who's not on that list would like to let me know that they've read my stories (and, hopefully, enjoyed them), I'd appreciate the feedback.

Boo.

Episode VII - Game On!

[The streets of AGN, some time in the morning. Darth, mjoras_wrath, Pineconn and Revfan9 are all heading down the street towards General Gaming]

Darth: Ok, this time it's me and majora vs. you guys.
Pineconn: Fine with me. Doesn't matter who you're with, you're still going down.
Darth: [The group reach General Gaming] Yeah, right.
majoras_wrath: [He stops] Oh man, what's with all the losers hanging around? [All around the basketball court former residents of Forum Games loiter or sleep. There's one sleeping at center court. The guys walk up to him] Hey! You think you could move, please?
halenite: hay y0u play teh gam3?
Darth: Oh man, it's Forum Games all over again! [He walks over and kicks halenite] Learn to type, asshole!
Revfan9: Guys, that's not cool. These people have nowhere to go since Forum Games died out. [The camera starts a slow pan of the 'gamers' around them] They don't have food, shelter, typing skills... We have to do something.
Pineconn: Well what are we supposed to do? Keep the place alive? As if.
majoras_wrath: Yeah, you know what that place is like.
Darth: No, Revfan's right, you guys. We should do something.
Pineconn: ...really?
Darth: Yeah. I know what you're thinking Rev, and I'm with you. I know exactly what we should do.

[A few minutes later. Other members of AGN are gathered in the basketball court, watching as the gang set something up in the middle of the court]

Sam Atmos: [Through a bullhorn] Gather 'round and witness the glory as Darth Marsden attempts to jump his skateboard over the 'gamers'. [majoras_wrath and Pineconn are preparing the ramp at center court for Darth]
Darth: Thank you, thank you. [To Pineconn] The ramp ready?
Pineconn: Yeah, it's all set.
AlexMax: [From the sideline] He won't make it.
Revfan9: Excuse me, this isn't exactly what I had in mind!
Darth: All right, here we go! Stungun? [Stungun starts the drum roll. Darth takes off, picking up speed on his way to the ramp. moocow and PrrKitty have their fists ready to pump for him. He leaves the ramp successfully, flies over halenite and performs a 360 Varial McTwist which leads into a 360 Flip Tail Grab before landing perfectly on the ground. Once he does so, he flips the skateboard up into his outstretched arm as the crowd cheers at him]
halenite: Whu?
Darth: Damn I'm good. [Starts pandering to the crowd - going over and tagging outstretched hands, pointing at particular people, etc]
Pineconn: Aw, that was awesome!
majoras_wrath: Sweet idea, Rev. [He smiles. Revfan9 doesn't]
Revfan9: God-dammit, that wasn't my idea!

[The AGN Cafe, later that day. Inside War Lord's office, the man himself is sitting behind his desk while Breaker, MottZilla, The Cyborg and another character, hidden by mysterious shadows all stand in front of his desk]

War Lord: All right guys, we need to come up with answers. Since Forum Games pretty much died, its former occupants are sprouting up all over the place trying to start new games. What are we supposed to do? [Silence for a few seconds]
The Cyborg: Well, I... I sort of... had an idea.
War Lord: Go on.
The Cyborg: Well... We could give the 'gamers' all designer sleeping bags and makeovers. At least that way they'd be pleasant to look at.
Other Members: Oh, that's a good one. Good idea. I like it.
Breaker: Well I was thinking: We could turn the homeless into tires, so that we'd still have homeless, but we could use them, on our cars.
The Cyborg: Oh, that's a good one. Nice one.
War Lord: Sound's good, so long as you don't get blood everywhere.
Breaker: ...ah.
MottZilla: All right, enough! Dammit, these former gamers aren't monsters, they are people, like you and me!
Breaker: You mean they've adapted, copied our DNA.
The Cyborg: That makes them more dangerous then ever!
Person in Shadows: Guys... if I may say something. [The whole group turns and look at the person. No-one can see who it is because of the weird shadow that's covering them. Breaker, standing behind them, turns on a light on his suit, revealing the person to be carrot red. The group recoils in surprise]
MottZilla: Jesus, I thought you were dead.
carrot red: Look. I used to be in charge of Forum Games, before it got all crappy and died off. We all know why more gamers are showing up across AGN. They've nowhere else to go. But that's not important right now. What is important is that we must be extremely careful. If we give them anything, anything at all, there could well be even more.

[Revfan9's house. It's late in the evening and it's raining heavily. Revfan9 looks out from a window on the second floor and sees a former gamer on the sidewalk. The man carries a used tin can with his right hand and a small 'GOT GAME?' cardboard sign with his left hand. A car passes by and honks. Revfan9 takes pity on him and comes downstairs. He opens the front door, exits, and walks up to the man, who turns out to be Sir_Johnamus]
Revfan9: Hi. I've uh... [Sir_Johnamous faces him] I've been playing this for a while now, but I could do without it, so... I... I want you to take this. [Revfan9 hands him a PSP disc] It's Daxter. [He drops it into the tin can and backs up, smiling]
Sir_Johnamus: u got mor?
Revfan9: [Frowning] No, that... I thought that was a lot.
Sir_Johnamus: [He turns around and walks off a bit, asking no one in particular] got ne gamez?
Revfan9: [Irritated at the lack of gratitude] You're welcome. [He walks back into the house with his head down]

[The outside of Revfan9's house, the next morning. Revfan9 looks out the window again. More homeless people have arrived and are camped out in front of the house]

Revfan9: Well, crap. [The doorbell rings and Revfan9 looks through the small peephole in the front door. It's the rest of the gang. He opens the door and the three come in]
Pineconn: What are all these homeless people doing in front of your house?
Revfan9: I don't know.
Darth: There were a bunch outside my house too.
Revfan9: ...were?
Darth: Yeah, 'were'. [He looks to the camera and raises his eyebrows a couple of times before Pineconn hits him on the shoulder]
Pineconn: Stop playing to the audience.
Darth: Sorry. [One of the 'gamers' approaches the open front door]
Skyman25: u got gmes dude?
majoras_wrath: No! Go to hell! [He slams the door shut]
Pineconn: I don't get it. carrot red said as long as nobody gave them money, they'd move on.
Darth: Wait, carrot red's still alive?
Pineconn: I know! Weird, huh?
Darth: Damn, I thought she got hit by a bus or something. Still doesn't explain why there's so many gamers here now though...
Revfan9: Well, I... kind of gave a former 'gamer' my copy of Daxter last night.
Darth: [Furious] You WHAT?!? [He flings his arm out and Revfan9 flies into the wall]
Revfan9: [Grabbing at his throat] Oh c-come on, that can't be why they're all here. There has to be another reason!
majoras_wrath: Revfan, what the hell were you thinking?
Darth: [Releasing Revfan9] Yeah! I can't possibly jump that many lamer gamers! I could jump ten, maybe fifteen at a push, but asking me to jump this many is asking me to risk my life, Rev!
Revfan9: I don't want you to jump them, retard! [Darth extends his arm and Revfan9 flies into the wall again] Ack! Un-retard! Un-retard!

[Cut to another street in AGN. Breaker is walking down the street in a world of his own, not really paying attention, when suddenly a 'gamer' appears beside him]

bluedeath: can u spare me ne games?
Breaker: Huh? Oh, sorry, I don't have any on me.
DarkDeath: [Appears from a side alley a few seconds further down the road] do yoo got gamez?
Breaker: No, sorry. [DarkDeath follows him until he passes another former 'gamer']
Luigi: spare sum game? [Breaker looks back and runs into the another 'gamer']
rulehy: [Holds out his cup] gaame?
Breaker: Ah! I don't have any games! [More 'gamers' come out of the woodwork and crowd in on him]
dimepiece: got games?
Breaker: No!
zeldafan500: game? [Breaker runs across the street, but...]
beefster09: spar sum game?
Breaker: [Shielding himself with his arm] Leave me alone, I don't have any games!
beefster09: k. nvr mnd than.
Breaker: ...dammit, now I feel bad. [He goes back to beefster09] Here. [He tosses a DS cartridge into the cup] Ahh! [The other 'gamers' reach the other side of the street] Hahh! [He begins to run, but other 'gamers' appear, asking for games. Breaker moves past them] Nonono, that was really all the games I had.
beefster09: [Jumps into view again] u got game?
Breaker: What? I just gave you Tetris!
Fiyerstorm: game? [The 'gamers' crowd Breaker in and he can't escape. Their pleading takes on a chanting quality: 'game? game? gamez? spre sum game? plz! etc!']
Breaker: Aahhh! I don't have any more games! [He makes his way through the crown of 'gamers'] Noo!! I don't have any games!! I DON'T HAVE ANY GAAAMES!! [He disappears under the sea of former 'gamers']

[Cut to the AGN Cafe. War Lord, MottZilla, The Cyborg and Dechipher are present. War Lord is looking at a clipboard while the others are rearranging the cafe]

War Lord: Ok, that'll be great. Let's also make sure we have enough chairs placed out for everyone to attend.
Breaker: [From outside] Waaah! [He bangs on the doors] Awwww! [He enters, shuts the door behind him, and locks it] Stay away! [He implores and pounds on the door, a broken man] Stay awayhay!
Dechipher: Breaker? Jesus, what happened?
Breaker: Stay awa- ...I don't have any games! [He collapses on the floor against the door] I don't have any gaaaamesss!

[A splash screen comes up for News 5]

Announcer: This is a News 5 Special Bulletin, with newly-demoted anchorman Anthony.
Anthony: ...yeah. Thanks for that, ya bastard. Ahem. AGN has become overrun with the former patrons of the Forum Games area. [A shot of the 'gamers' crowd covering the General Games area, then another shot of them surrounding the Breaker-zord] Nearly every square inch of public property is now riddled with homeless, shutting down roadways and making getting around impossible. [An image of some nerds is displayed] Many people are trapped throughout the town. [An aerial shot of the AGN Cafe. The building is surrounded by former 'gamers', with the five people formerly inside the Cafe now on the roof]
War Lord: Help! Help us!

[Revfan9's house, living room. The gang is watching the breaking news on TV]

Darth: Ah man, look at War Lord pleading for his life. He looks so pathetic...
Revfan9: Oh my God.

[Back to the TV]

[Anthony: In the meantime, AGN members are being advised to stay indoors and protect their games.
jessethe2nd: [Appears behind him in the newsroom] u gut sum free gmes?
Anthony: What the hell? You can't be in here.
jessethe2nd: ya got ne gams?
Anthony: No, I don't have any games. How did he get in here?
me2: gaaaaamez?
Anthony: No, please. I don't have any games. Honest I don't. I DON'T HAVE ANY! [A 'PLEASE STAND BY' screen pops up and the station goes off the air]
Darth: You see what you did, Rev?!
majoras_wrath: Come on, we have to try and help the mods. [The gang turn off the TV and head outside]
Pineconn: Oh Christ, they're everywhere!
Aide: [Pulls up in his car] What are you guys doing? Get in! [They do so]
Zelda_Warrior: [Knocks on his window] u got ane gamez?
Aide: [He throws up his arms and shakes his head vigorously] Ahhhh! [He settles down and starts driving] Come on, let's go! [The drive some distance down the street] What the hell were you doing outside?!
majoras_wrath: We were gonna try to help War Lord and the others at the Cafe.
Aide: Oh, there's no way you're gonna get to them! It's completely overrun with these... things. [A 'gamer' lands on the windshield]
The Group: Ahh! [The 'gamer' begins to wash the windshield]
Aide: No! I don't need my windshield cleaned! Stop it! Stop iiit! [He drives off at the first opportunity] Look, our only hope is to talk to carrot red over at MPQ World. She understands what's goin' on better than anybody. Just stick with me, guys. [They enter an intersection, but the aide doesn't notice the driver to his left, who's not paying attention to the road. They collide, with the aide dying on the spot]
The Gang: [Exiting the car uninjured] Aaahhh! [They move along the street, but notice the homeless everywhere. Another collision takes place a block away from them]
Revfan9: Holy crap! [Behind him, Darth is moving a manhole cover off to one side with the force, opening up a new means of escape]
Pineconn: Over here! [Revfan9 looks back. majoras_wrath and Pineconn drop down into the sewer and Revfan9 walks to the manhole] C'mon, drop down! Go! [Revfan9 drops down, and Darth follows, closing the manhole as he does so]
majoras_wrath: [Pinching his nose shut with his left hand as he fans the smell away with his right] Aw man, it stinks down here.
Pineconn: Come on, we gotta get to MPQ World and find carrot red. [Darth ignites his lightsaber and uses it as a glowstick as he takes the lead and moves forward. The others follow]

[AGN, street level. The 'gamers' have paralyzed the town as crashed cars are shown everywhere. The AGN Cafe's roof is shown, with Breaker looking out over the parking lot with binoculars. War Lord and MottZilla sit in chairs while The Cyborg and Dechipher keep watch over the other sides of the roof]
Breaker: [Lowering his binoculars] No sign of anybody else.
MottZilla: [Rising from his chair] Dammit, I can't take this any more. I'm gonna make a break for it.
Breaker: [Turns around to face him] Don't be crazy, Mott. You'll never get through all those lamer 'gamers'.
The Cyborg: And even if you did, what then? You can't drive anywhere.
MottZilla: If I can make it through them, maybe I can catch the bus to Zelda Classic. I have to try.
Breaker: You won't make it through, Mott! [MottZilla leaves quickly and heads downstairs. He leaves the Cafe, only to be hounded by 'gamers' begging for games]
MottZilla: [Making his way through] Ahh. Ahhhahhahahahh.
'Gamers': gamez? gmes? u got sum games?
MottZilla: Don't have any games... Don't have any games... Dammit! All right, you want games? Here! [He reaches into his pocket and tosses some GBA cartridges off to his left] There! There's some games. All right, a few more. [He reaches back into his pocket and tosses some more cartridges off to his right] There you go. Take the games. [He leaves, but stops himself] ...wait a minute. Now what am I gonna do to entertain myself? Hold on. Guys? Can I just get back one of those games, please?
Bender: games?
MottZilla: Can I have just a game for the bus, please? I need a little... anybody have any games? Games? Got any games? [Breaker follows MottZilla's progress through his binoculars] Games. Games? [Breaker lowers his binoculars in horror]
Dechipher: What happened?
Breaker: [Closes his eyes and sighs] He's one of 'them' now.

[AGN, night, under a full moon. All around town, the 'gamers' ask for their precious games. The guys are shown arriving at an office of some sort. They knock on the door and carrot red answers it]

carrot red: Go away, I don't have any games.
Darth: carrot red?
carrot red: ...oh, hey Darth.
Darth: Eh, we've been better. There's these lamer 'gamers' all over the place, and it's 'cause this guy [He points to Revfan9] gave 'em a copy of Daxter yesterday.
carrot red: Oh my God. Get in here! Tell me what's going on? [The guys enter and she shuts the door]
Pineconn: War Lord and a bunch of mods are trapped in the Cafe, surrounded by 'gamers'. We just can't get to them.
Darth: All right, all right, look! I didn't wanna risk it, but... I think I know what to do. I'll try to jump all those 'gamers' and get to the mods on that roof.
carrot red: Jump them?
Darth: Yeah, I jump the lamer 'gamers' on a skateboard. [As if by magic, he produces the skateboard. It has a black-and-white flaming skull on it, only it's not a skull - it's Max, of Sam and Max. It looks totally awesome] If you can get me close enough, I'll try to jump that 'gamer' crowd and save those mods.
Revfan9: Oh shut up, Darth. All you did was jump over one homeless guy.
Darth: [/B]The skateboard has, just as magically, disappeared][/B] I easily could have cleared another ten or so.
Revfan9: You barely made it over one, you pansy!
Pineconn: Rev, enough! Darth jumping more 'gamers' isn't gonna solve anything right now!
Revfan9: God-dammit! I don't want him to jump over more a-
carrot red: Guys! Guys! I don't think you quite understand how the 'gamers' function. Perhaps you should come downstairs. To my labohratory. [Lightning and thunderclaps follows]

[Cut back to the roof of the AGN Cafe. War Lord is trying to call someone on his mobile, and the 'gamers' are now calling up to the roof]
Breaker: DAMMIT, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GAMES!! GO AWAY!!
Dechipher: Anything, War Lord?
War Lord: No. All the phone lines are completely down. [The stairwell door behind them rattles and they turn to face it in fear. Breaker steps toward it with his shotgun and cocks it. More knocking on the door]
Voice: [From inside the stairwell] Hello? It-it's SUCCESSOR from the old days. Pu-please let us in.
Breaker: Find another place to hide, SUCCESSOR!
SUCCESSOR: I-I have others with me. We... we've nowhere else to go. One woman here is pregnant.
The Cyborg: We can't just leave them out there.
SUCCESSOR: Let us in! For God's sake, they're coming! No! No, I'm sorry, we don't have any games!
War Lord: You have to let them in, Breaker.
Breaker: There isn't enough food for more people up here!
SUCCESSOR: Oh God. One of them is a Pong veteran. [More knocking] We're gonna have to give him some games.
Dechipher: Oh god, this is so messed up!
Breaker: All right, all right, fine! [He approaches slowly and opens the door. The refugees stream forth]
triforceholder: you got gamez?
Breaker: No, dammit! [He fires a shot into triforceholder, then slams the door shut]

[carrot red's lab, later. She's dissected the body of a dead homeless person]

carrot red: I've dissected several homeless to see what make them tick. Their anatomy is shockingly similar to ours. See? Everything is there: heart, lungs, kidneys, they're almost identical to us in every way. Except for one. [A 'gamer' man is chained to a wall by a chain around his neck. carrot red approaches him] The homeless... can survive solely... on games. [She pulls out an old Game Boy cartridge]
death2004: [Sticks out his cup and strains to get the cartridge] game?
carrot red: They feed on our games. They need it in order to keep them moving.
death2004: cn i have yr game?
carrot red: Somehow they're able to take... our games... and turn it into nourishment, sustenance.
death2004: plz giv me game!
carrot red: But now watch. [She drops the cartridge into the 'gamer's' cup and walks back to the guys. The 'gamer' rattles his cup a bit]
death2004: games plz?
carrot red: See? It's already completely forgotten that I've given it a game. It just wants... more. Look over here. [She heads to her left and the guys follow] This one I've kept deprived of games for over three days.
xXVolvagiaXx gaaaaaaamez?
Pineconn: What's it doing?
carrot red: It's dying.
Darth: Cool.
carrot red: I've learned that the nearby forum of Black Isle had a 'gamer' problem just before we did. And they were able to stop it.
MottZilla: [Finds carrot red's office and enters] Excuse me, the front door was open. Can I borrow a game? [Other 'gamers' follow him in]
carrot red: Oh my God, they're coming in! [She leads the guys to an escape hatch above some crates] Quick, get out of here! You can fit!
majoras_wrath: [Gives Pineconn a boost up] What about you?
carrot red: Get to Black Isle and find out how they got rid of the 'gamers'! I'll be all right!
MottZilla: Hello? [He comes down a spiral staircase] I-I'm sorry, I just really need a game to play on the bus.
WindStrike: gme?
ctorre:spre gmz?
MottZilla: Stop it! I really do need a game!
WindStrike: me 2. game?
MottZilla: [Outside the lab] Game? [He knocks on the lab door] Hello? Do you have any games?
ctorre: [Outside the lab] gme?
carrot red: Sorry guys, but I'm gonna take the easy way out. [She takes a gun to her right temple and cocks it. An exterior view of her office is shown and a gunshot heard. Back inside, she's still standing, in pain. The bullet went out the left temple, but didn't kill her] OW! OH, DAMMIT! OWW!! [Next she tries shooting through her jaw, and the bullet comes out through her right cheek] OHHH! AH! GOD! [She shoots through her jaw again, and the bullet goes out her right cheek again. This time she gargles and drops on all fours. She shoots through his right shoulder three times, but still lives. This time she takes the gun to his forehead and cocks the gun. The exterior view of his office is shown again and a gunshot is heard. Back inside, she's STILL alive. The bullet to the brain didn't kill her. This time she shoots at her heart twice, and that finally kills her. She writhes around for a few seconds and dies]

...continued...

[Back to the AGN Cafe's roof. There are so many 'gamers' now that it looks like a page out of 'Where's Waldo?' There are now thirteen people on the roof, all of whom look scared]

Breaker: [Rifling through a box] No. No, dammit! [He faces the group on the roof with him] That's it. That's it, everyone. We're out of Pop--Tarts.
The Cyborg: No. We can't be.
Breaker: Face it, we're gonna starve!
Dechipher: No, no wait, there's still a box over here.
Breaker: Yeah, but those are cherry! Ew!
SUCCESSOR: [His cell phone rings and he rises] Wait, I got a signal! I got a signal! [He dials a number]
War Lord: What? You do?
Dechipher: How? Call the fire department.
SUCCESSOR: I'm calling my girlfriend! [Waits for her to pick up] Hey! Hey, it's me baby. Are you all right?
War Lord: Oh, maybe we're gonna be Ok after all.
Breaker: Ask her what's happening.
SUCCESSOR: Hey, what's goin' on out there? Nobody's coming for us. They what? No! That's impossible. But how can that be? We didn't even- [The phone cuts out] Hello? Honey? [He tries to reconnect] Dammit!
The Cyborg: What happened?
SUCCESSOR: There's no help coming! She said... because of all the homeless... because of all the 'gamers' in AGN property values have plummeted. I had two liens against my house and the bank is foreclosing! I don't have a home anymore. [Breaker and the others are quiet for a moment, but Breaker knows what he must do. He pumps his shotgun and aims it at SUCCESSOR]
The Cyborg: Breaker, what are you doing?
Breaker: He's homeless now. We aren't safe.
SUCCESSOR: I'm not like them.
Breaker: Not yet. It's only a matter of time.
The Cyborg: [Desperately trying to dissuade Breaker] And what are you gonna do, huh? Just blow his head off?
Breaker: IF WE HAVE TO! Siddown!
SUCCESSOR: Breaker, you can't just-
Breaker: SIT... doowwwnnnn!

[Another shot of the homeless on the street, then cut back to a shot of the roof. SUCCESSOR is sitting under a blanket]

SUCCESSOR: This is crazy. How can they just take away my house? Where am I supposed to put all my things? I don't have a place for all my stuff; where am I supposed to put all my stuff? All I've got on me is my DS and one lousy game! That'll never last me... Can I borrow some- games to keep me going? Come on guys. If you all just help me out a little bit. Each one of you just lend me a... game? Game? [That's it. Breaker fires at him and blows the upper half of his head off. Breaker sighs heavily]

[A brilliant sunrise in the Rockies. Another shot reveals a ruined town and a half-destroyed sign - Black Isle. The four arrive and look at the destruction]

Darth: Jesus Christ, what the hell happened to this place? [Three men in camouflage appear and aim their shotguns at them]
Man: [Wearing a white and blue bandana around his neck] That's far enough! Just march your butts right back out of our town!
Darth: [Looking closely] ...Mr Wibble?
Mr Wibble: How'd you know that name?
Darth: It's me, Darth Marsden. I used to live here, remember?
Mr Wibble: ...Darth? [It clicks and he remembers] Oh my god, it is! By the jam in a damn good doughnut, it's been ages! How ya been?
Darth: Eh, not bad. But how about you? I heard Black Isle went downhill, but not this badly!
Mr Wibble: What? Oh, no. This wasn't... ha. C'mon in. Lemme explain. [The group moves to a clearing where the guys sit on a bench while the Mr Wibble serves himself some coffee while the other two men with him start explaining]
Man 1: Ok. Lemme explain. After you left, Black Isle really started going downhill. Y'know about that, right?
Darth: Just the basics. They cracked down on anything fun, right?
Man 2: Yeah, something like that. People started leaving for better places, and eventually this whole area got closed down. But then someone rebuilt it all, restored it to its former glory. Yeah, we never quite got back to the way things used to be, but we weren't far off.
Mr Wibble: It was during the early days when we started trying out having a gaming section. Y'know, like we had in the old days, with quests and everything.
Darth: [Smiling] Yeah, I remember your particular quest. Mad, we were. Absolutely mad.
Mr Wibble: Still are, if you ask me.
Man 2: Anyway. We tried it for a while, but then gave it up. Weren't enough people visiting the area, y'know?
Man 1: And that's when the 'gamers' first started appearing across the place. At first there were only a few of them, askin' for games, sleeping in the parks. But then more showed up, and we realized there was somethin' different about them. They fed off of our games to the point that they could actually start quoting code. We knew it wouldn't be long before the 'gamers' actually started making their own. And then we'd have no idea who needed games and who were making them! The people living in the house right next door to you could be making games and you wouldn't even know! [He moves to grab a cup of coffee. The other man takes up the story]
Man 2: Nobody could trust anybody! Fights broke out. War! [Revfan9 notices something on the ground] That's when I started suspecting that my own wife, [The something is a pamphlet that says 'GLORY FOR THE GAMELESS' on the front cover. Revfan9 picks it up] who I'd been living with for twenty years, was actually making games herself. So I had to burn her. In her bed while she slept. [Revfan9 reads the pamphlet] After she died I vowed I wouldn't let the homeless destroy our town! So we came up with a plan to get rid of them once and for all. [Revfan9 opens the pamphlet and is met with the words 'GLORY FOR THE GAMELESS. TRY AGN.']
Revfan9: You son of a bitch. [He gets off the bench and approaches Mr Wibble with the pamphlet] You didn't solve your 'gamer' problem, you just sent all your 'gamers' to AGN! [He opens the pamphlet to show him]
Mr Wibble:: ...yeah.
Darth: What? Peter, what the hell?
Revfan9: I knew it! It wasn't because I gave that guy my copy of Daxter! The 'gamers' all came from here!
Mr Wibble: And it was PCGamer who sent them to us! People in the US got rid of their 'gamers' by tellin' them what a great place Black Isle was!
Darth: You unbelievable bastard. I used to trust you. We hung out. We went to a Beer Festival in Germany, you motherless son of a whore!
Mr Wibble: I'm sorry Darth, it was the only thing we could think of!
Pineconn: [Getting off the bench as well] But then you didn't solve the problem, you just moved it!
Man 1: Right. But we survived.
Woman: [Pops up out of nowhere, almost a skeleton] Dehhhnyihhhs! [She's armed with a rifle and ready to shoot]
Dennis: [Obviously Man 2, he turns around. The other two men look as well] Christine?
Christine: You sonothatitch! You tried to kinn me!
Dennis: I had to Christine, you were making games.
Christine: No, I wasn't yeh stukid asshole!
Dennis: Christine, I can't understand you.
Christine: Yeah! Gecause you durned my yits oth!
Dennis: I nurned your rip sauce?
Christine: No! You durned my yits oth!
Dennis: I have no idea what you're saying! [Christine shoots him] Ow! [Dennis falls down, dead. Man 1 kills Christine, who fires one final shot and hits Mr Wibble. He kills the remaining man and collapses in Darth's arms]
Mr Wibble: Darth... I'm sorry... Please... forgive... me...
Darth: ...uh, no. You sent a bunch of lamer 'gamers' into my new home. That's pretty near impossible to forget, y'know.
Mr Wibble: ...yeah... I guess... just... tell me.... did... you ever... play... FEAR?
Darth: No, I never got round to it.
Mr Wibble: ...you ...really ...should... [Mr Wibble's eyes roll back and he dies in Darth's arms. He carefully lays the body down on the ground before stepping back and looking at the scene of destruction. Suddenly, he clicks his fingers] Lips!
majoras_wrath: Ohh... he burnt her LIPS off. Yeah, that makes sense.
Pineconn: Guys, can we focus? Our town is gonna end up just like this!
Revfan9: [Turns around] No it isn't. Come on, I have an idea.
Pineconn: No no no, we're not having Darth jump any more 'gamers', Rev!
Revfan9: THAT ISN'T MY IDEA! I saw a bus in a garage a couple of blocks back! We need to modify it!
majoras_wrath: What are you gonna do?
Revfan9: We're gonna save our mods before they all kill each other!

[Montage! The guys are all modifying a bus. Pineconn works on the front fenders. Darth works on brakes and accelerator. majoras_wrath works on tightening the barbed wire running along the roof's edge. Revfan9 works on putting up a shield in front of the bus with a screw gun. majoras_wrath moves to the transmission. Darth and Pineconn reinforce the sides of the bus. Revfan9 works on the PA system]

[Back to the AGN Cafe roof. The refugees sit around. A bus horn is heard and the refugees rouse themselves. Breaker looks out over the parking lot and sees the bus. The homeless clear a path for the bus]

Breaker: A bus! A bus is coming!
War Lord: [Seeing who's inside] It's Darth! He's modified a bus to get us out of here!
The Cyborg: I knew he'd come back for us!
Dechipher: All right!
Breaker: [Props up SUCCESSOR's corpse so it faces the bus] Look! We're saved. [The bus stops]
majoras_wrath: All right, I'm turning around.
The Cyborg: Why are they turning?
Breaker: [Drops the corpse] What are they doing?! [The bus turns so the front end now faces away from the community center. Breaker calls out] DON'T LEAVE US!
Pineconn: All right, hit it.
Darth: Let's hope to heaven this works. [Prepares to press the red button. Music begins to play]

Backup Singers: California Love [The 'gamers' grow quiet]
The Guys: California
Darth: Is nice to the gameless
Californiania
Supercool to the gameless
The Guys: In the city
Darth: City of Santa Monica
Lots of rich people
giving games to the gameless

PureZeldabud: [Holds up his tin can] game? [The mods on the roof still have no idea what's going on]

The Guys: In the city
Pineconn: City of Brentwood
They take really good care
of all their gameless

Darth: [To majoras_wrath] They're listening. Let's go! [A Destnation Marquee is shown. majoras_wrath flips switch C on and presses a green button. The marquee changes from Denver to California]

The Guys: In the city
Darth: Marina del Rey
They're so nice to the gameless
built a port about it

Dechipher: They're... they're leading them away!
The Cyborg: We're gonna be all right!
Breaker: [Props the corpse up once again] Oh SUCCESSOR! We made it!

Darth: California
Supercool to the gameless!

[A highway, day. The guys are leading the 'gamers' westward]

MottZilla: Game?

Darth: Californiania
Idn't on the tona

[Santa Monica Pier. The bus passes it going south - towards Venice Beach. The 'gamers' follow]

The Guys: In the city

[Venice Beach. The 'gamers' head right in and make themselves at home]

Darth: City of Venice
Right by Matt's house
You can chill if you're homeless.

[The music stops. We see various images of the 'gamers' relaxing along the beach, sitting in deckchairs, wandering the roads and getting hit by cars, that sort of thing. The images end on one of several 'gamers' asleep on the Strand, and we zoom out to reveal around 20 of them. Suddenly Darth sails over them, pulling a 360 Inward Heelflip, then a 540 FS Shove-It, Fingerflip Cannonball, Ollie North Back Foot Flip and, finally, a 360 Sal Flip before landing perfectly just beyond the last gamer. Darth jumps off the skateboard and pumps his fists in the air]

Darth: WOO YEAH!

[There's a whole group of people watching, and once again they all cheer when Darth finishes as he goes over to greet them. Among the crowd, Pineconn turns to Revfan9]

Pineconn: I really don't know what you see in this, man.

That...that has to be the funniest one yet. Wow. Very well done...a lot of violence. This still South Park? I'm assuming so, but you must have had to do a lot of adapting for this one.

Replace the words 'homeless' with 'gamers' and 'change?' with 'games?' and you've pretty much got Night of the Living Homeless.

Okay, that was funny. I like how you deminished some people down to gamers like that, who say "got gme?" Absolutely perfect.

More people respond!

Ah, Pineconn. Wondered where you'd gotten to. Surprised you haven't picked up on the fact that you're pretty much one of the gang now, but meh. Also:

majoras_wrath wrote:If anyone makes a story, put me in it! If it's not too much to ask, don't kill me (in the story).

WHATS WRONG WITH YOU! I WANTED A BIG PART! I WANTED TO BE THE HERO......

Kidding! I'm kidding! I'm not ungrateful. I'm very grateful.

You overlooked a few instances of the word "change".

I assume you really were a part of Black isle, and knew a guy named Mr. Wibbles.

BRILLIANT!

It's just 'Mr Wibble', or Peter, and yeah, I do know him. Met him IRL at college, and he was the one who introduced me to the Black Isle forums. Back then it was a bit like this place, only not as cool 😉 After I left collage, I kinda drifted away from the place and from Pete. When I finally caught him on MSN some months later, he explained that the place had passed on to greener pastures in a manner pretty much as I described. Still, life goes on.

If you want, I may be able to squeeze one more story in before I leave for America, but I'm gonna need you guys to let me know whether you want me to or not...

[/Barely hidden excuse to get more people to post]

EDIT: Ok, no more 'change'! Thanks for pointing out that I missed a few. Easily done, but very annoying.

You should drop by Chicago someday. Best City on the planet.

If you can manage, one more story. God only know what shape you're in after 26+ hours of no sleep.

Oh, I can manage fine. I just want more people to post here before I do so. If no-one does, I'll save it till I get back, but that'll be like a whole week. You don't want to wait a whole week for a new story, do you? Not when it's sitting on my hard-drive, just waiting for a few people to request it. 'cause that's where it'll be. Sitting in C:\HistoryZeroMission.txt, just waiting to go out. But until you tell me you want it, it's not going anywhere. It'll just sit there, gathering virtual dust.

Voice yourselves! Post now! Demand your parody! C'mon everyone, it'll take 2 minutes!

Darthy - don't put any stress on yourself before or during your trip. Our entertainment from your parodies can take 2nd chair for your wellbeing for your trip. <hug>

We'll be here waiting when you get back/have time/etc 😊

I finished it hours ago! It's sitting on my hard-drive, waiting for people to request it. One more person should do it, methinks.

If it'll tempt you, it features Zeldafan500, Lightningz AND Pineconn_lolz. Now that's gotta make you curious, right?

You know you wanna post it...

/request

Just post it Darthy 😊 You know you wanna and you know WE want it 😊
<hug>

BTW, I did notice my "induction" into the gang. The only problem is that you live near the Prime Meridian, and I live below Lake Erie and the land of the maple leaf. (Besides the fact that you will be visiting the states...)

Darth Marsden wrote:If it'll tempt you, it features Zeldafan500, Lightningz AND Pineconn_lolz.

That's enough for me. Do it! 😉 😉 That is, whenever you have time.

POST IT!

Do it for Prrkitty.....

Do it for the Mods who will refrain from banning you if you post it......

DO IT FOR ME OR ELSE I WILL MAIM YOU :tongue: .......

Long story short:

POST THE F***ING PARODY ALREADY!!!!

It wasn't matter of me wanting it...

Episode VIII - History: Zero Mission

[The AGN Cafe, early morning. The building is filled with people dressing up in Confederate and Union period clothing, all getting ready for a Civil War re-enactment. The camera makes its way to the roof, where a group of people are testing some period weapons. Among the group are Darth and Pineconn, both dressed in Union clothing]

Darth: Y'know, this is my first civil war re-enactment.
Pineconn: [Cleaning out a weapon] Really? Huh. Mine too.
Darth: [Loading a musket with blanks] Wow. Aren't we a pair? [He raises the musket and fires it at a target. It smacks straight into the bullseye. Satisfied, Darth puts the weapon along with a group of others] What'dya think we're supposed to do?
Pineconn: [Finishes cleaning the weapon and hands it to Darth before taking another one and starting on that] I think we run out there, get shot by blanks and then fall on the ground.
Darth: ...yeah, 'cause that's WAY more fun then watching old Doctor Who reruns.
Pineconn: You really have no social life, do you?
Darth: [Again with the firing of the weapon] Shucks, you noticed. [Straight into the bullseye again. This time a yelp of pain is heard when the blank hits] Dammit Lightningz, shut up and take it like a man!
Lightningz: [Turning round to reveal the target is painted onto his back] you suck. im gonna mak u pay fr ths.
Darth: See, I'd be more inclined to believe you if you hadn't said the exact same thing last time. Now turn back round and suck it up, maggot. [He fires another test shot at Lightningz, who flinches, but manages to remain silent. In between shots, he gets out his PDA and starts furiously typing into it]

[Cut to Pineconn_lolz and Zeldafan500, who are inside the Cafe. Zeldafan500 is busy adjusting his Union outfit when he hears a slight 'ding' sound. Realizing it's his PDA, he grabs it and reads the message that Lightningz has sent him. He whipsers something to Pineconn_lolz, and they make their way to the roof, where they approach Darth and Pineconn]

Pineconn_lolz: Hey guys. You having fun torturing Lightningz over there?
Darth: Eh, it's not bad. [He fires another shot, Lightningz yelps in pain] Whadya want?
Zeldafan500: we wnt to mke bet.
Pineconn: ...what?
Pineconn_lolz: [Hitting Zeldafan500] Dammit, I thought we agreed I'd do the talking.
Zeldafan500: sry
Pineconn_lolz: Allow me to translate. See, we know you guys are kinda bored, so we wanted to make you a wager.
Darth: [Putting the gun down] Wagers with wankers, eh? Normally I'd slice you on the spot, but my mind is so numb that I can't be arsed. What's the deal?
Pineconn_lolz: No big deal. We just wanna know if you can make the Confederates win this year's re-enactment.
Darth: Please. Give me a challenge.
Pineconn: Uh Darth, I don't think that's a particularly good idea.
Darth: C'mon, at least hear them out before we utterly ridicule them.
Pineconn: ...whatever. [He resumes his weapon cleaning ritual]
Pineconn_lolz: Cool. So you want a challenge? How about this. If you can get the Confederates to win the war this year, me and Zeldafan500 will be your slaves for a month. Y'know, since that's what this war was all about.
Darth: ...interesting. And if, god forbid, I should lose?
Pineconn_lolz: Then you're OUR slave.
Darth: ...again, interesting. Let me think about that and get back to you.
Pineconn_lolz: Mmmkay. Don't leave it too long though, the re-enactment starts at 14:00.

[Pineconn_lolz and Zeldafan500 head for the stairs and go back into the main Cafe as Darth looks to the nearby field where the re-enactment is to take place. Several stadium-style stands have been erected and are visible in the distance. Darth raises his hand to his bearded chin in thought as he contemplates the offer]

[Cut to inside the AGN cafe, an hour or so later. A banner is stretched across the roof and reads 'Welcome Re-enacters'. The crowd is chattering away as War Lord, dressed in a grey Confederate outfit, approaches the microphone in the corner of the Cafe]

War Lord: Ok, guys? Listen up. We just have a few things to go over before we head out to the re-enactment battlefield. [The other members of AGN are dressed in the Blue and the Grey] First of all, I have great news. There are over 2,000 folks from all over the place that have come to see this year's re-enactment, and that's the best turnout ever!
Crowd: [Jumping and cheering] Yes! Woohoo! Yeah! Etc!
Pineconn: Where the hell is Darth? Dammit, we were supposed to help each other out with this!
War Lord: I'm also very proud to announce that this year's alcohol sponsor, Jagermin's S'more-flavored Schnapps, the schnapps with the delightful taste of s'mores.
Crowd: Whoa. Mmm.
Breaker: Mmm. It does taste like s'mores.
moocow: [Coughs] Yeah, and it's got quite a kick, too. Woah...
War Lord: And now, to clarify how the re-enactment should unfold, let's bring up our master historian, PrrKitty! [PrrKitty sidles up to the microphone amid applause] The only one of us old enough to have actually seen the Civil War&#8230; re-enactment of 20-odd years ago.
Pineconn: [Checking his watch] Dammit Darth!
Darth: [Arrives dressed in the Grey uniform of one General Lee] Good morning, my good sir.
Pineconn: Darth, you're... Oh Jesus, you're going in for that stupid bet, aren't you?
Darth: What? No! It's just that this year, I've decided to fight for the glorious South. And may I say that we're going to whup your skinny white ass this time around.
Pineconn: Darth, this is insane.
Darth: This is... no, I'm sorry. Pineconn_lolz was right - that really has run its course.
PrrKitty: Ok, you all know the rules. You must fire your blanks into the air, and if someone says they killed you, you gotta play dead, Ok? 😊
Pineconn: But the south lose this battle, Darth. They lose the war!
Darth: Not this year, my friend... not this year.
War Lord: [Taking back the microphone] Now remember, everybody: for a good re-enactment we've got to pretend down to the last detail that we're really in the Civil War. So when the North wins, all of us on the Confederate side should act all bummed and depressed. And with that, let's all go to the re-enactment camp and put on a good show!
Crowd: [Jumping and cheering] Yes! Woohoo! Yeah! Etc!

[The re-enactment camp, 9:00 A.M. The Re-enactment. Bleachers flank PrrKitty on either side as the North and the South face off before her. Each side has set up its camp]

War Lord: [Through a megaphone] Welcome to the AGN re-enactment of the Battle of Tamarack Hill. The men in gray are the Confederacy, from the South, while in blue are the Union, from the North. [Pineconn is on the front line, searching for Darth, who is nowhere to be seen, while Pineconn_lolz and Zeldafan500 are visible in the line-up behind him. War Lord hands over the megaphone to PrrKitty]
PrrKitty: [Addressing the spectators] It was a cold morning in 1862. The Union Army had to get the bell of Appmattox down from Tamarack Hill. What ensued was a bloody battle, but after many hours, the Union Army prevailed. Here now is the reenactment of that great battle. [She blows a whistle]
War Lord: [Leading the South] Forward! [The South advances]
Breaker: [Leading the North] Let's bring those Confederate bastards down! [The North advances, Pineconn with them as he still frantically searches for Darth]
War Lord: Fire! [Some guns go off]
Confederates: Yeah!
Breaker: Alright men, fire! [Some more guns go off]
Unions: Yeah! [The battle is joined, and men left and right begin to drop away. Others scream]
Breaker: Hey, uh, I shot you, Mott. You have to fall down.
MottZilla: Ah, dammit.
War Lord: Yeh-hah! [The battle continues]
Man 1: [In the stands] Oh, so this is what it was like. [The battle continues, but now it's hand-to-hand combat. Darth darts out from behind a bush, reaches the bell and starts to push it down the hill]
Man 2: Hey! What's that guy doing?!
Darth: Ha! Long live the Confederacy!
Soldiers: [On both sides] Huh? Wha-?
PrrKitty: What the hell?
Breaker: He took the bell!
ShadowTiger: He can't do that!
PrrKitty: [Shouting to Darth] The Confederacy doesn't take the bell, dammit!
Darth: [Skating by on the bell, grinning like the 9th Doctor] Hooray for the South!
Pineconn: Dammit Darth, that's not gonna change anything!
PrrKitty: Well, great. Now we're gonna have to start over!

[10:24 A.M, re-enactment - second attempt. Inside the Confederacy camp, War Lord is talking to everyone]

War Lord: Ok. [Darth walks up] We're going to do the entire re-enactment again, because of some confusion over the bell. Now, I know you're just trying to help Darth, but we have to let the Union capture the bell this time.
Darth: But why? Why should they get the bell?
War Lord: Wuh. Well, 'cause we're supposed to lose.
Darth: [Waving his hand across the group] But we don't have to lose.
War Lord: We... what?
Darth: [Assuming command of the group] Gentlemen, we can win this battle! [Paces] Sure, we could lose, and tonight we can go back to our families and say 'We did it! We lost like we were supposed to! Aren't we proud?!' Or, we take that hill. We take that hill, and when we stand tall upon it, we hold our heads high, and we yell 'Not this year! This year belongs to the Confederasah!' [Some of the men drink schnapps]
War Lord: ...I dunno...
Darth: [Again with the hand] ...have another swig. It'll all become clear.
War Lord: [Takes a swig] By God, he's right!
majoras_wrath: War Lord!
War Lord: Yeah, I've been re-enacting this war for 7 years now. And for 7 years us Confederate re-enacters have had to spend the evening being ridiculed and made fun of by the Union re-enacters! Well, I'm sick of it!
majoras_wrath: [Taking a swig] Yeah! Why do we have to be their bitches every year?!
Amaster42: I'm tired of losing this battle!
War lord: And I say it's high time we kicked some ass! Who's with me?!
Crowd: Yeah!
Revfan9: Yeah! [He drops down, drunk. Darth grins sinisterly]

[Back to the battlefield]

PrrKitty: Alright, folks. Sorry for the false start. We're ready to go again. Uh, where was I? Oh yeah 😊 It was a cold morning in 1862. The Union Army had to- [She turns at the sound of a gun shot and looks on as the Confederates charge down the field]
ShadowTiger: Yaaaaah!
moocow: Come on! Just give up! We're not gonna let you live another day!
Breaker: Uh, what the hell are they doing?
majoras_wrath: [Drunk and hypnotized] You Yankee sons of bitches!
Pineconn: [A Confederate shoots him in the stomach] Ah, Christ! That really hurt!
PrrKitty: What... what the hell are they doing?!
Zeldafan500: wut we do?
Pineconn_lolz: Run for your life! [The pair run off. Darth watches from the top of the hill as the battle rages on]
Darth: God bless those men that fight for their freedom. God bless those men! And God bless the Confederasah!
Breaker: [Tackled by War Lord] What the hell?
War Lord: [Pinning Breaker to the ground] Surrender your men, general!
Breaker: War Lord, have you lost your mind?!
War Lord: SURRENDER YOUR MEN, GENERAL!
Breaker: Alright, alright! We surrender! [The Union soldiers drop their guns and raise their arms. Pineconn_lolz and Zeldafan500 walk out from behind a tree with their hands up]
Man from Stands: ...the South win?
War Lord: The South wins!
Confederates: Yay! Woohoo! Yeah! Etc!
PrrKitty: Ah, that's so not good... 😞

[The AGN Cafe, 3:45 p.m. Re-enactment after party. The men are all in conversation]

War Lord: [Walks up to Breaker] Well, we can all be friends again now, right? [Nudges Breaker] Come on. Have some s'more schnapps. [He hands Breaker a bottle]
Breaker: Dammit, I can't be happy. You ruined the reenactment!
War Lord: Aw, come on. Relax a little, huh? Try the drink already. [Breaker does so]
Darth: [Walks up to Pineconn_lolz and Zeldafan500] So, you guys about ready to start being my slaves yet?
Zeldafan500: u unfir!
Pineconn_lolz: Yeah, but it doesn't matter, because the bet was that the South doesn't win the war! And the South still didn't win the war!
Darth: Ok, seriously, that's just a technicality and you guys know it.
Pineconn_lolz: Yeah, well it's a technicality that prevents us from having to do your crap for a month, so we're sticking to it.
Darth: [Takes a long breath] I hate you guys so much. So very, very much. And this is not over. Not by a long shot. [The men are getting more drunk]
Breaker: [Talking to ShadowTiger with slurred speech] All I'm saying is that&#8230; is is that the Confederates would have just gotten their asses kicked in Topeka!
ShadowTiger: That ain't true! The Confederates would have shupped ass in Topeka, too!
moocow: Yeah.
Breaker: You're dreaming!
Darth: [Walks up to War Lord] Perhaps we should take Topeka.
War Lord: Huh?
Darth: [He waves his hand again] They mock us in Kansas, soldier. They think the South is a joke. They don't respect our authoritah.
War Lord: They don't?
Darth: [Again with the hand] No. I say we take Topeka.
War Lord: ...yeah... [To the crowd] You know what? I'll bet we could take Topeka right now and clear them all around!
Breaker: Huh?
Revfan9: That's right! Maybe we should do what the Confederates would've done and march on to Topeka!
majoras_wrath: I'll bet we could!
War Lord: I'll bet we could, too! [He pounds on the podium]
PrrKitty: [Darth makes a slight gesture with his hand and suddenly PrrKitty stands] I'll bet you can't!
War Lord: [Jumps back] What?! [Walks and stands in front of the podium] Is that a challenge?! I'll bet we can!
Dechipher: [Darth does another slight gesture of the hand and Dechipher suddenly chirps in] I'll bet you can't, because you guys are all pussies!
War Lord: Pussies?! Oh yeah? Men! It's time to show the world what the Confederate Army has got! We're gonna take Topeka once and for all!
Warlock: Yeah.
MrCow: Yeah.
War Lord: [Walks to the Union soldiers] All o' you men. You may have lost in the Union today, but join us now and win back your pride!
Monica: Yeah.
fattonez: Yeah.
Breaker: Well, the Union be damned!
War Lord: Let's go!
[I[Crowd:[/I] Yeah! [They all walk out]
Darth: [Trailing behind, he stops besides Pineconn_lolz and Zeldafan500] Oh! What was our bet again? Let's see&#8230; Yes, I remember. If the South wins you have to be my slaves for a month.
Pineconn_lolz: They're just drunk! As soon as they sober up, they'll stop!
Darth: Yes... E-e-enjoy your freedon, gentlemen. Soon, you will be my propertah. Come on, Pineconn. Come fight for us, and I'll make sure you get lots of plunder and women.
Pineconn: ...seriously?
Darth: Seriouslah.
Pineconn: Sweet as! [He exits with Darth as the group charge out of the cafe growling]

[Topeka, Kansas, 7:53 A.M the next morning. A rooster crows. The town goes about its business. A mailman delivers some mail. A woman opens the school door. A traffic cop directs traffic. Two kids play catch in front of the school. The woman returns with the flag and hoists it up on the flagpole, and the mailman drops by]

Mailman: Oh good morning, Mrs. Hollis.
Mrs. Hollis: Hello, Ralph.
Ralph: Did you happen to catch that ball game last night?
Mrs. Hollis: I'm afraid I was grading papers pretty late and- [They both turn in the direction of a rumble. Everyone else stops and looks in the same direction]
Driver: What's that noise, officer? [The officer looks, and the AGN folk rise over a hill and charge towards town]
AGNers: Yeah! Yeah!
War Lord: Ccchhhhaaaarrrrggggeeee!

[Breaker knocks Ralph down with the butt of his gun as MottZilla tackles Mrs. Hollis. Another man prepares a Molotov cocktail and throws in into a house, then salutes the resulting fire. War Lord and Dechipher head for the church, and its congregants rush out screaming. Revfan9 aims at the officer and shoots him]

Officer: [Soothing his shot ass] Ow!
[I[Revfan9:[/I] Freeze! These are blanks, but they still hurt like hell! [The church bell rings. War Lord is pulling at the rope]
War Lord: It's ours, it's ours! We've taken Topeka!
AGNers: Yeah!
Breaker: [Still holding Ralph] Alright Yank, tell us where you keep your Jagermin's S'more-flavored Schnapps?!
Ralph: Uh-uh-uh schnapps? Uhm, uh-uh-I guess that would be at the liquor store.
Breaker: WHERE?!
Ralph: At the liquor store, at the liquor stohohohohore!
Breaker: [Dropping Ralph] Come on, guys! [They all rush the store]
Mrs. Hollis: [Looking on] This is the most bizarre thing I've ever seen.
Darth: [Walks by] Excuse me.

[AGN Cafe. Pineconn_lolz and Zeldafan500 are sitting in the empty building, drinking Coke and reading the newspaper. The headline reads 'Topeka Taken!']

Pineconn_lolz: Ah man, this is so not good.
Zeldafan500: yah ths suks.
Pineconn_lolz: I had no odea Darth would take it this far! What the hell was Lightningz thinking?
Zeldafan500: i duno.
Pineconn_lolz: Ah, you don't know anything. [As he say this, majoras_wrath walks into the cafe]
majoras_wrath: Ah, found you. [He salutes to the pair. This is probably the only time anybody will do this to either of them] Confederate Messenger Majora reporting, sir. I have a message for you from the battlefield. [He offers them an envelope]
Pineconn_lolz: What, Topeka?
majoras_wrath: Yeah. We're raisin' all kids of hell. [He hands the message to Pineconn_lolz] It's quite probably the most fun I've had since... well, since the last adventure we had.

[Pineconn_lolz opens and reads the message. A sepia image of Darth in his General Lee outfit appears and he narrates the letter. As this happens, majoras_wrath slips back out of the Cafe, presumably to return to the battlefield]

Darth: Dear assholes. Words cannot express how much I hate you guys. As we fight our way northward into the great unknown, only that one thing remains certain: that I hate you guys with every tired muscle in my Confederate body. We have taken Topeka, and now I must lolly the men over to Missouri. Because I will not stop until we have won it all, and you guys are my slaves. Because, I hate you guys. I hate you guys so very very much. Yours, General Darth Lee.
Pineconn_lolz: [Crumples the message into a ball and throws it away] That miserable piece of crap! There is no way I'm gonna be his slave. No freakin' way.
Zeldafan500: wat u do?
Pineconn_lolz: We're gonna find Lightningz, and then we're gonna end this. Majora, where are they now? [He turns round to find majoras_wrath gone] Oh, god dammit!

[News time! Take it away, Anthony...]

Anthony: [An image of Paris Hilton is shown in the top-right of the screen] ...forced to live off her own feces for several days. In national news [The group's entry into Topeka is shown in the top-right] a frightening radical group known as AGN is making its way across the Southern states of Aemrica. [The guy throwing the Molotov cocktail is shown] The group is recruiting new members in every town they pass through, and rapidly growing in number, [One last attack is shown] so authorities have decided to call in the National Guard. The group seems to be led by War Lord, [Shown posing with a microphone, holding it in the style of a gun] widely recognised as one of the greatest rappers who ever lived, and who therefore is quite possibly the most dangerous man alive today.

[Cut to a hill. As the camera pulls up, we see that it's in flames. This is Chattanooga, Tennessee, 2:35 P.M. Lightningz, Pineconn_lolz and Zeldafan500 approach the city and look over it from the hill]

Pineconn_lolz: Man, I bet Darth is having a blast.
Lightningz: ths not cool. cum, we stp it.

[They move towards the town. Cut to a street, where some pillaging is going on in the background while two guys are hiding behind a car]

Man 1: They say you can either fight them or join them.
Man 2: Well, I'm joining them. Those blanks hurt!
Pineconn_lolz: [Now in town, he approaches the pillagers] Guys, come on! [War Lord runs into shot] War Lord, c'mon! This isn't like you.
War Lord: Not now, uh lolz, I'm pillaging. [A hot woman runs by] C'mere, you! [He runs after her]
Pineconn_lolz: [Moving on and seeing Breaker] You've got to stop this! If the South wins, me and Zeldafan have to be Darth's slaves!
Breaker: This is a reenactment, man. My name is Pvt. John Fugasol, and I have to do what my general tells me!
Darth: Yo! More schnapps over here!
Breaker: ooo, more schnapps! [He moves towards it as another group of men arrive in town. Pineconn_lolz and Co. TM approach them]
Sgt. Larsen: I'm Sgt. Larsen of the National Guard. We're here to stop the terrorists.
Pineconn_lolz: They're not terrorists, they're just a bunch of drunk assholes from the internet.
Sgt. Larsen: ...huh. Well, we can't just shoot 'em; there's innocents and children about. Dawkins!
Dawkins: Sir!
Larsen: Fire a warning flare!
Dawkins: Yes sir! [He launches the flare. It goes up in the air, flies back down and lands right in front of Darth. He looks up at the group, smiles, pulls an M79 out and fires it in a similar pattern]
Sgt. Larsen: GRENADE! [The group scatters as the sponge grenade lands harmfully where they used to stand. As they gather round the harmless round, Darth shouts over to them]
Darth: Not very fitting I know, but then I don't suppose the real Confederates fired blanks. You can consider that your first and only warning!
Sgt. Larsen: Jesus, they're crazy! We'll never stop them!
Pineconn_lolz: Wait! I've got an idea. But we'll have to wait until dark...

...continued...

[The Confederate camp, night. The men relax and talk. Pineconn_lolz, Lightningz, Zeldafan500 and Sgt. Larsen sneak in]

Pineconn_lolz: There, you see? We take the s'more schnapps, and by morning they're all gonna sober up and wanna go home.
Lightningz: nice. u smrt.
Sgt Larsen: Alright, let's go. [They proceed to carry the schnapps away]
Pineconn: [Entering Darth's tent] Where to next, 'General'?
Darth: [Looking over a map of the area] I dunno... where did the Confederates go?
Pineconn: [Moving over and looking at the map] Well, I guess Fort Sumter in South Carolina. [He points to it] That's where the Civil War really escalated.
Darth: Ah, well then. To Fort Sumter we shall go.
Pineconn: Look, are you really gonna go through with this?
Darth: Damn straight I am.
War Lord: [Poking his head through the tend door] Hey General, I'm gonna get some s'more schnapps. You want anything?
Darth: Yeah, can I get a glass of root beer, just ever so slightly chilled? Thanks.
War Lord: Uh, sure. [He exits to get some schnapps. He lifts a case and removes the lid, but finds the case empty. He takes a second case and again finds it empty] What the-? Ey, where's the s'more schnapps?
Breaker: We're out of s'more schnapps?
moocow: [Checks her empty bottle] That can't be.
War Lord: I guess we drank it all.
Sgt. Dawkins: [On the outskirts of the camp] Now what?
Pineconn_lolz: Now we just wait until morning. Check-mate, Darth. Pretty soon, you're gonna be our slave.
Zeldafan500: yeh.

[The Confederate camp, 7:29 A.M., next morning, 7 hours without schnapps]

PrrKitty: Uugh.
Dechipher: Ouch.
Breaker: [Exiting his tent] Oh, my head.
MottZilla: Where am I?
War Lord: [Sitting next to ShadowTiger on a bench] Tigger, I think I can say without any doubt that that was the longest drinking binge we've ever been on.
ShadowTiger: Mmm-oh. Gmm-oh, my head.
Warlock: [Rises in his sleeping bag behind Lilith] Ah man, I'm supposed to be at work today.
Lilith: Me, too.
War Lord: [Standing] Well, come on everybody. We've got to get to the nearest bus station, quick.
Darth: [At his tent entrance] Wha... where are you going?
War Lord: We're goin' home. Come on. [Walks off]
Darth: We can't go home, we have to take Fort Sumter! [Breaker stops by him]
Breaker: Uh, the only thing we have to do is get home before our partners leave us.
Darth: [Watching the sober AGNers walk away] No! What about the Confederasah?! What about freedom?!
Pinceonn_lolz: [Rushes up behind Darth] Haha! You lose, jerkoff!
Darth: What? Oh, you bastards! You cheating, lying, backstabbing bastards!
Pineconn_lolz: Yeah, but you know? I think you've learned something today. You've learned that you can't rewrite history. [Darth looks away from Pineconn_lolz] You see, history is forever, [...and notices an empty schnapps case] and everything happens for a reason. [Darth turns round and pulls out his mobile] Sure, you can try and change the past, but usually you kno-
Lightningz: wait, wot u do?
Darth: [Dialing] Oh, this isn't over. Oh no, not by a long shot. [Pineconn_lolz and Lightningz just look at each other as Darth walks away from them]

[Cut to the AGNers, walking the long way home. They're currently in a meadow]

Breaker: Ogh. I don't believe we came all the way out here.
War Lord: Yeah? Well, I don't think the bus station is too far from here.
ShadowTiger: Uh, how much do you think a bus ticket back home is gonna run? [Suddenly two schnapps trucks pull up and the drivers drop down. They head to the rears of the trucks and start unloading case after case of Jagermin's]
Suzette: Allo, I am Suzette, the S'more Schnapps girl. [Darth gets out of the truck and walks up behind her] We are pleased to sponsor you with all the S'more Schnapps you need.
War Lord: Awgh, I can't drink anymore of that stuff.
Breaker: Me neither.
Darth: Ah, come on, guys. Just one little drink. Uh, a toast to how far you came and all that you saw.
MottZilla: Nah, I really couldn't- [Darth suddenly does a slight hand gesture again and Suzette suddenly stiffens]
Suzette: You can do shots out of my breasts. [She pours two bottles into her cleavage]
War Lord: Well... I suppose one drink wouldn't hurt...

[Before you can say 'I know where this is leading...', it's already there. The group is drunk once more and having a good time]

Breaker: Hey, look! MottZisses's doin' his trick again! [MottZilla tumbles by wearing a fancy lampshade over his head]
VEL: Hey, guys. Let's all play a game of 'grab ass'!
ShadowTiger: What's 'grab ass'?
VEL: You know. We just run around in circles and try to grab each other's asses.
Breaker: Ey, that sounds fun. [He grabs VEL's ass]
VEL: Wah! [The guys laugh and chase each other around trying to grab asses here and there]
Darth: [Intervening] Gentlemen! I hate to break up the party [He waves his hand across the group] but I believe we have a fort to take.
War Lord: You heard the General!
AGNers: Yeah! [They all charge out. Empty schnapps cases litter the field]
Pineconn_lolz: [Reaching the scene too late] Oh no!
Lightningz: well nevr stp tham nw...

[Cut to a map of the South of America, much like in Indiana Jones. Chattanooga, Tennessee, is struck, then Atlanta, Georgia; then eastern and southeastern Alabama, then Orlando, Florida. Cut to a shot of the group on a huge log ride. Everyone screams as they go over a fall. Quickly cut back to the map, where the red line continues to Southeast Georgia, and finally hits Darling County, South Carolina]

[Cut to Fort Sumter, day. A tour is taking place]

Guide: Throughout 1861 the Confederate authorities tried to drive out the Union occupants of Fort Sumter peacefully. But Abraham Lincoln's administration would not surrender the fort to the Confederates, so Jefferson Davis decided to take action.
Tourist: And the Confederates won the fort?
Guide: Yes. [He turns and leads the group to the gates] Imagine what it must have been like: you're a Union soldier stationed at this fort, and one day, you look out and see thousands of Confederates ready to pounce on you. [The group stares in awe at the thousands of Confederates just outside the gate. The guide turns to see] ...ah.
Darth: Take the fort!
War Lord: Charge!
AGNers: Yeah! [They charge forth and enter the fort]
War Lord: [Climbing onto the rampard with Darth, Breaker and MottZilla] We got it! The fort is ours! [Suddenly a cannon blast sends Breaker flying backwards from the rampard. He lands painfully on his back inside the fort]
MottZilla: What the hell was that? [They look out. The National Guard has caught up with the Confederates and now surrounds the fort]
Sgt. Larsen: [Through a megaphone] Attention political activists: you are on government historical document property! Surrender the document with your hands up! If you would like a tour of the fort, one can be arranged through the South Carolina Chamber of Commerce.
Pineconn_lolz: [Takes the megaphone] Give up, asshole! There's over a hundred National Guards down here.
Darth: [Bearly audible] Scre you, cocksucker!
War Lord: What do we do, General? We're outnumbered.
Darth: Trust me, Ok? Re-enforcements are bound to show up.
Sgt. Larsen: Alright, that does it. Blow the whole thing up.
Pineconn_lolz: No, you can't do that!
Sgt. Larsen: Sorry, son. We tried it your way; now we do it our way. Prepare the mortar.
Elderly Voice: Hold it right there! [The camera zooms out to show the rowdy re-enforcements converge on the National Guard and Pineconn_lolz's group]
War Lord: Wow, look at that! looks like the entire Zelda Classic crowd showed up! [The other AGNers grin with joy]
Darth: Ha! I knew those subliminal ads would do the trick!
Zelda Classic leader: [Saluting] We're ready to fight with ya. Long live the Confederacy!
AGNers and ZCers: Yeah!
Darth: Now our numbers are truly great. It is time. It is time to march to Washington D.C.!

[Washington D.C., 7:45 A.M., next day. The group has entered the city and are protesting outside the white house. The Million Confederate March?]

War Lord: Hey, government! You can't ignore our anguished cries anymore! You hear that?! You Government?! [The President looks out the window with an adviser and the Vice President]
Vice President: Oh boy, this doesn't look good. [The three men turn away from the window]
Advisor: It's just like the Million Man March, except that there actually are a million people.
Aide: [Entering the room] Mr. President! A message for you from the extremists! [He hands it to the Prisident, who reads it. Again, Darth appears in sepia and narrates the message]
Darth: Dear Mr. President. There are times when humans can no longer endure their government's authoritah. You must declare the Confederacah its own nation so that we may enter into a new millennium of prosperitah. If you do not meet our demands, we will be forced to show the videotapes we have of you with Paris Hilton.
President: Oh, dear God! Wuh-we have to meet their demands.
Advisor: What?? Sir, there's- there's not that many of them.
Vice President: As Vice-Persident, I think we'd better give them what they want. It's just the Southern states; who really needs them?
President: My hands are tied. Tell General Lee that I'll meet him in front of the Capitol.
Aide: [Salutes] Sir! [Leaves]
Vice President: I'm so glad I don't have your job.

[Back outside, the crowd are all yelling. Pineconn_lolz, Zeldafan500 and Lightningz are near the front]

Pineconn_lolz: Well, dammit. Now what the hell can we do?
Zeldafan500: giv up?
Pineconn_lolz: No! There's gotta be something... Wait a minute! They're all still doing a re-enactment, right? What just need to play into that. Come on, guys. We need to get some new threads! [He leads the others away]

[Outside the Capitol, later. The President is at a table which has been set up with the Vice President beisde him and others around to make sure nobody tries anything]

President: All right, I'm gonna sign the document declarin' the Confederacy winners of the Civil War.
Confederates: Hooray!
Pineconn: [To Darth] Good thing you have that videotape of him and Paris Hilton.
Darth: I don't - I'm bluffing.
Pineconn: Seriously?
Darth: Yeah. But think about it - Paris Hilton would do it with anything that moves, right?
Pineconn: Yeah, good point. [As he says this, Lightningz and Zeldafan500 approach the President. They're dressed as Abraham Lincoln and Jefferson Davis, respectively]
War Lord: Hey! Who's that?!
Lightningz: Hello. I'm Abraham Lincoln, President of the United States.
Zeldafan500: Yes, and I'm Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederacy.
President: Ah man, that does it. No more crack for me!
Darth: Jesus, how the hell did they learn how to spell?
War Lord: Ey, General, he's reenacting Jefferson Davis! You can't talk that way to a superior officer!
Zeldafan500: Men, I want you all to know that as President of the Confederacy, I am hereby surrendering.
Darth: WHAT?
Lightningz: Well, as Abraham Lincoln, I accept your surrender, and agree to your conditions. [He quickly checks his PDA] You and all the Confederates will have all the S'more Schnapps you can drink for a year.
Confederates: Wow!
Breaker: A whole year?
War Lord: All right! Well, I think we got what we wanted.
President: Wait, that's it? I-I don't have to sign this thing? [Lightningz and Zeldafan500 turn to each other and shake hands]
moocow: Hey, come on. We should take a tour of the Smithsonian before we head back.
Darth: No! We still have to fight!
War Lord: [Stops and looks at Darth] Lincoln and Davis signed the treaty, General. The war is over.
Darth: No. No! [Drops to his knees] CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!*
Pineconn_lolz: [Walks over with the other two] It's over, Darth. You lost!
zeldafan500: yeh, now u tak that berd off. [He grabs Darth's beard and yanks it off. A chunk of hair comes out and Darth instantly puts his hand over the affected area]
Darth: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- [The camera zooms out for a view of the city, then the planet, then the Milky Way, then Tatooine, where someone looks up at the sound, showing the two suns] -AAAH! [He moves over and punches Zeldafan500, who goes flying out of shot]
President: [Walks up and places his hand on Pineconn_lolz's shoulder Boys, as President of the United States, I want to commend you for stopping the rebel uprising.
Pineconn_lolz: Don't touch me. [The President takes his hand off Pineconn_lolz's shoulder, looking a tad embarrased] Well Darth, the South lost! That mean you're our slave for a month!
Darth: Dammit... and I was so close...
Lightningz: ok. frst, i wnt u to-
Darth: [Suddenly realizing] Wait a minute! I don't have to be your slave at all!
Lightningz: wot?
Darth: The North still won the Civil War, and that means that slavery is abolished!
President: Eh, he's right, boys. Slavery is illegal and immoral, partially in thanks to the North winning the Civil War.
Pineconn_lolz: Aw!
Darth: Ha! Screw you, losers! [He walks off]
Pineconn_lolz: Ah, the hell with it. Let's go home. [He and Lightningz walk away] Thanks a lot, 'Mr President'!
Lightningz: yeh, tnks, ahole.

[Irritated, the President points to the two and then makes a slit throat hand gesture. Seconds later, the pair are shot dead by a sniper. The president walks over to them, spits on their bodies and walks off]

*That's Dalek Caan from Doctor Who, as opposed to Khan Noonien Singh from Star Trek II.

You missed one Cartman, and some format tags [i] and [b]

Nice!

*bows to Darth*

I wish I was trained to be a sniper... I would make those two shit their pants from fear in real life.

Yay! :kawaii: I got a cameo role! I'm not going to say that this one is fantastic or wonderfull because I've said it before, and I'm running out of adjectives to describe these stories.

(Oh, BTW, several times in the first one you seem to have mixed up Pineconn with Lolz. It took me a while to figure out what was going on.)

Fixed and fixed. Glad you enjoyed it, cause it's gonna have to last you for the next week or so.

There are still four instances of calling "Pineconn_lolz" just "Pineconn" and still some [noparse][/i][/noparse] errors (in both). But besides mechanics, you are simply getting better at [strike]ripping[/strike] writing these stories! No more for a week? Ah, oh well, time for Mario Kart: Double Dash!! and quest-making.

EDIT:

Pineconn: [b][Reaching the scene too late] Oh no!

[AGN Cafe. Pineconn and Zeldafan500 are sitting in the empty building, drinking Coke and reading the newspaper. The headline reads 'Topeka Taken!']

majoras_wrath: Yeah. We're raisin' all kids of hell. [He hands the message to Pineconn] It's quite probably the most fun I've had since... well, since the last adventure we had.

War Lord: Not now, uh Pineconn, I'm pillaging. [A hot woman runs by] C'mere, you! [He runs after her] (<--- And that one is also missing [noparse][/noparse] tags, as is Pineconn_lolz's next line.)

But nevertheless an excellent and entertaining read!!! 😃

I've neglected this for far too long.

Episode IX - Rock On!

[The AGN Cafe, morning. A whole bunch of people are chatting away, as per usual. Once again, the mike and speakers are set up at the front of the cafe - looks like War Lord's run out of cash again]

moocow: Hey, who we getting this time?
Pineconn: Hell if I know. Probably some kids telling us that drugs are bad.
majoras_wrath: Didn't we cover drugs last week?
Pineconn: No.
majoras_wrath: ...huh.

[War Lord emerges from his office and approaches the stage]

War Lord: Ok, you know the drill. I need cash, so you gotta suffer. This week we got a real doozy, so try and stay awake, m'kay? Alright, please welcome a supposedly great British singer... Mr Phil Collins!

[With that, Phil himself walks onto the stage from behind one of the speakers. He clutches his Oscar so close to him it might as well be surgically attached to his side. Waving to the entirely unenthusiastic crowd, he approaches the crowd]

Phil Collins: How we doin'? I'm Phil Collins!

[The crowd is silent, except for a faint snoring sound]

Phil Collins: Yeah, I can tell you're really glad to see me. Well, I'm here to talk about the importance of music in our society! And we all know how important music is, right kids?

[Once again, silence. The snoring is slightly louder this time. Phil notices it, but dismisses it]

Phil Collins: Right! So let's get started! Who can tell me when I had my first number one? Anyone?

[Again, nothing but snoring. It's much louder now, and most of the crowd is turning to see where it's coming from. The source is Darth, who's seated at the back and it fast asleep, book in lap. War Lord also notices this, and signals to Breaker, who walks over, picks up Darth, flings him over his shoulder and carries him into War Lord's office]

Phil Collins: Right! No-one knows? It was 'You Can't Hurry Love', in 1982. Which you should all know by heart, right?
Pineconn: [Whispering to moocow] I think Darth's getting off light.

[Inside War Lord's office, Darth is woken up by having a bucket of cold water poured over him by Breaker. War Lord quietly enters as he shakes the water out of his hair. Neither of the mods look particularly happy with him]

War Lord: Well?
Darth: ...well what?
War Lord: [Stepping behind his desk and sitting down] You wanna explain yourself?
Darth: ...not really.
Breaker: You're going to though, right?
Darth: [Sighs] ...yeah.
War Lord: So?
Darth: I was up all night watching Battlestar Galactica, alright? No big deal.
War Lord: No big deal? I've got Phil Collins out there telling us how important music is, and you're telling me that's no big deal?
Darth: It's Phil Collins! Of course it's no big deal! The guy hasn't been cool since Vice City Stories!
War Lord: ...he was in Vice City Stories?
Breaker: Yeah. It was hilarious.
War Lord: Well, even so! Would it kill you to just stay awake for half an hour?
Darth: Half an hour. Yeah, right.
War Lord: Dammit Darth, I am THIS close to banning you!
Darth: Whatever.
War Lord: Augh! [He throws his hands up in anger. Darth looks around, bored] Y'know what? Just get out. Get out right now before I do something we'll both regret.
Darth: M'kay.

[Darth gets up and walks out of the office, through the front door and vanishes down the street. War Lord gets up from his desk and opens a cupboard. Lightningz falls out. War Lord picks him up, whacks him one across the face and throws him back in the cupboard again]

War Lord: That guy just winds me up so much sometimes!
Breaker: Yeah, but in his defense, Battlestar Galactica does kick some serious a.
War Lord: Oh, shut up.

[Back into the main cafe area. A caption reads '5 HOURS LATER', and Phil is still talking.Everyone else in the cafe, including War Lord, looks ready to fall asleep]

Phil Collins: ...and that's why Music is so important! Well, I guess I'd better warp this up, I've a gig to perform, but you all remember what I told you, alright?

[Absolute silence from the crowd]

Phil Collins: Alright! Thank you and good night!

[Phil leaves the stage and walks over to War Lord's office. Inside, he sits down at War Lord's desk as the man himself enters and closes the door behind him]

Phil: Well, that was terrible! The worst crowd I've ever played to!
War Lord: Yeah, well in their defense-
Phil: They have no defense! That was the same speech I use everywhere I go and everywhere else they love it! What's wrong with you guys?
Breaker: They were bored rigid!
Phil: Y'know what? I think they have ADD.
War Lord: Attention Deficit Disorder? Isn't that a little extreme?
Phil: Rubbish! Perfectly common these days! People who phase out during my speeches often turn out to have it!
War Lord: Well, I suppose we could always get some of them tested?
Phil: There ya go!

[A clinic. War Lord and Breaker have brought a couple of faces to see a Doctor]

Clinic Doctor: Ok guys, I'm just gonna do a quick test to see whether or not you've got ADD, alright?
moocow: God, this is so stupid.
amaster42: Damn straight.
Clinic Doctor: Now, I'm going to read you a book called 'The Great Gatsby' by F. Scott Fitzgerald. At the end of the novel I'll ask you a few questions. Are you ready?
moocow: Whatever.
Clinic Doctor: Ok, here we go. [he opens the book and clears his throat] 'In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since' [That last word echoes around as we focus on the clock. It reads 2:01, but the hours begin to roll by: 3:24, 5:55, 7:49, finally ending on 9:09] 'so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.' [The Doctor closes the book. Both War Lord and Breaker are asleep, while moocow is sat on the floor rocking herself back and forth while amaster42 is building a gallows. He looks down at the doctor, realizing he's finished]

Clinic Doctor: Ok guys, now can you tell me: In Chapter 7, what kind of car did Gatsby drive?

[amaster42 looks at him for a minute, then resumes building the gallows. The Doctor rises and throws the book to the ground, waking War Lord with a start]

Clinic Doctor: Well that settles it!
War Lord: ...wuh?
Clinic Doctor: These two definitely have Attention Deficit Disorder!
War Lord: ...oh. So, uh, now what?
Clinic Doctor: Well, ADD is fairly common in kids today. I'm gonna prescribe some Ritalin, and we'll see how that goes for these two.
moocow: [Still rolling back and forth] Woo.

[Cut to a street. Rock music is heard. Pan over to a closed garage, where Dechipher and his band are practicing. They now have a name: Lords of the Underworld. They play, but don't sing, and thrust their heads down from time to time]

Drummer: Man, we suck!
Dechipher: Hey, that's not the right attitude! The Battle of the Bands is tomorrow night!
Drummer: We're never gonna win the Battle of the Bands! It's no big deal.
Dechipher: [In disbelief] Not a big deal! This year's winner gets to open for Phil Collins at Lalapalooblaza, and that's no big deal?!
Bass Player: Hey, c'mon guys, stop fighting.
Dechipher: We've just gotta practice more.
Drummer: We've been practicing for eight years, Chipher!
Dechipher: Hey, am I the leader of this band or not?! Huh, let's do it from the top! [The band starts up again, then pauses]
Darth: [From outside] And the music's all you got! [The band riffs again] It takes you on a ride!
Bass Player: [Stops playing] What was that?
Dechipher: Huh? I don't know. [He picks up the garage door opener and presses the button. The door rises to the sound of an angelic choir and orchestra and reveals the bright light outside. And in that light is Darth, listening to an MP3 player] Whoaaa!
Drummer: Who is that?
Darth: This must be... pop!
Dechipher: Darth? I didn't know you could sing!
Darth: [B]Noticing the group for the first time Wha? Me? Sing?

[The band starts practicing again, this time with Darth singing along. They sound like Linkin Park did on their second studio album, or, more simply, totally awesome]

Drummer: Ah man, that is hot!
Dechipher: Yeah!

[Back to the clinic. The Doctor is reading "A Farewell To Arms," by Ernest Hemingway, to pretty much every other AGNer]

Clinic Doctor: 'After a while I went out and left the hospital, and walked back to the hotel in the rain.'

[The Doctor sighs and closes the book. Pineconn bangs his head against the wall cabinet. Pretty much everyone else is fast asleep, although one or two have valiently managed to just about stay awake]

Clinic Doctor: Alright now, in Chapter 12, what kind of bottles did Miss Van Campen talk about? [Pineconn bangs head head again] Anybody? [Pineconn keeps going] Anybody?? My God, these folks all have ADD! [He scribbles onto his notepad quickly]
The few awake folks: [Sleepily] Hooray.
Pineconn: [Sleepily] Hoo-ray.
Clinic Doctor: It's Ritalin for all of you! [He writes out the prescriptions]

[Riverman's store, the next morning. (How's that for continuity?) A huge queue of people line up at the pharmacy counter, ready to receive their prescription]

Riverman: Next? [Pineconn hands him his prescription] What do we have here- ah! More Ritalin!
Pineconn: Yep. Lord only knows what's going through War Lord's mind at the moment, making us all grab this stuff.
Riverman: Well, don't look at me, I'm just doing what I'm told.
Pineconn: Fair enough. Any side effects with these things?
Riverman: No. Well, you may experience a slight lack of energy, but that's about it.
Pineconn: Yeah, like I haven't got enough already. Anything else?
Riverman: Well... you might start seeing little pink Christina Aguilera monsters, but that's to be expected.
Pineconn: Naturally.

[The AGN Battle Of The Bands. A four-member band is onstage. One member is on keyboards, a second is on drums, a third on guitar, and the fourth has the mic. The first and third have flaming hairdos]

Band: [Singing] Look alive, lettin' it feel (so light). Lettin' it feel so light.
People in Audience: Boooo!
Guy in flat top: You suck! [Others in the audience laugh. The band clears out as the M.C. approaches the mic]
M.C: Alright, that was 'Sisters of Mercy Hold No Pain Against the Dark Lord' with their song 'Silk Blood On The Footsteps Of My Mind (Revisited)'
Singer: We got the best response. We'll be opening for Phil Collins for sure.
M.C: And now it's time for our final band.
Guy in Audience: Thank God! [The others laugh]
M.C: Give it up for 'Darth Marsden and the Dark Side'! [The curtains part amid a smattering of applause to reveal the newly named Dark Side. The audience isn't quite sure what to make of this]
Dechipher: And 1, 2, 3, 4 [The Dark Side launch into their song, a cover version of Linkin Park's 'Bleed It Out'. It rocks the casbah and the audience quickly gets into the grove]
Man 1: Man, that guy rules!
Man 2: Oo-yee-hee-yeh-hah!
Man 3: What's wrong with you?! You shouldn't be enjoying that! They're evil!
Darth: I bleed it out, digging deeper just to...
Dark Side: Throw it away!
Darth: I bleed it out, digging deeper just to...
Dark Side: Throw it away!
Darth: I bleed it out, digging deeper just to...
Dark Side: Throw it away! Just to throw it away! I bleed it out!
Darth: Go! Stop the show! [The rest of the gang arrives]
Pineconn: Hey, it's Darth!
moocow: No way!
Man 3: I can't believe they're letting a Sith Lord play! [Darth continues singing, building up to the chorus] Come on, let's get outta here! [He leaves with two others]
Darth: I bleed it out, digging deeper just to...
Dark Side: Throw it away!
Darth: I bleed it out, digging deeper just to...
Dark Side: Throw it away!
Darth: I bleed it out, digging deeper just to...
Dark Side: Throw it away! Just to throw it away! I bleed it out! [The song ends. Someone is carried across the field by the crowd]
Darth: Thank you! Thank you! We're here all week! Try the fish!
moocow: That was awesome!
Pineconn: Yeah, they rock!
Woman: Guys! You shouldn't laugh at him! He's a Sith Lord!
Pineconn: ...so?
Woman: So? He's evil! You shouldn't put evil in front of a stage and parade it in front of everyone! Do you think that's funny?! [Darth is carried past, crowd surfing. He's clearly having a blast]
moocow: Well, I guess he thinks so.
Woman: Oh, you people make me sick! [She walks away in disgust]
M.C: Man, this is a no-brainer. This year's Battle of the Bands winner and the band that gets to open for Phil Collins at Lalapalablala.is&#8230; DARTH!
Crowd: [Roars in approval] Wooo!
Drummer: [Flexing his arms] We did it!
Dechipher: [Moves forward] Listen to them. They really love me. [Gives the crowd the devil horns] Wooo!!
Crowd: [Responding] Wooo!!
Dechipher: Yes! I'm a rocker!

[News Special! Anthony once again reports on the latest and greatest events]

Anthony: Tonight, we analyze the new rock sensation, Darth Marsden & The Dark Side [A clip of the group at the Battle of the Bands is shown], the controversial new band that has taken the country by storm. [The crowd cheers and holds up 'DARTH' signs. A woman lifts up her blouse to reveal her bra] Already playing at several large venues this month [The band is shown coming off a plane. Cameras flash at Darth with the other Dark Side members behind him], the band prepares for its biggest gig, Lolapalooblaza, where they will open for Phil Collins. But Phil Collins is not happy.
Phil Collins: [Standing in the middle of a street, still holding his Oscar] Well, I think it's a horrible tragedy, isn't it? I mean, people aren't gonna see Darth for his musical skills. They're cheering at him, and I think you shouldn't support people who are openly evil!
Man: [Appearing in the background and pointing at Phil Collins] Devil! Devil!
Phil Collins: Society has to learn how to be more sensible! This is gonna stop if I have to stop it myself!

[The AGN cafe, the following morning. moocow and Pineconn are chilling out, as per usual]

Pineconn: Hey, did you see that stuff Phil Collins was saying about Darth?
moocow: Yeah, what a idiot. Darth's five times more talented than he is.
amaster42: [Walks through the front door somewhat mechanically and speaks to the guys in a mellow voice] Hey guys, have you been takin' your Ritalin?
Pineconn: Huh? No, we're not actually gonna take that stuff.
amaster42: No, you gotta try it. [He hands a bottle to moocow and smiles in a really creepy way] It makes you feel good. [Shrugging, moocow takes a couple of pills and tosses the bottle to Pineconn, who does the same] You'll see.

[B][A few minutes later, majoras_wrath walks through the front door and waves to the guys, who wave back. He walks over and sits next to them]

majoras_wrath: Hey guys.
amaster42: Hello, majoras_wrath.
majoras_wrath: Everything alright?
moocow: Everything's fine, thank you.
majoras_wrath: ...seriously?
amaster42, moocow and Pineconn: Yes.
majoras_wrath: Wow. Are you guys high or something?
Pineconn: We're on Ritalin.
majoras_wrath: What?!
amaster42: We all have Attention Deficit Disorder. So we all started taking Ritalin.
moocow: It really takes the edge off. You should try it. [He shakes a couple of pills out of his bottle and swallows them]
majoras_wrath: ...and it's this that's making you so boring?
Pineconn: That's correct, majoras_wrath.
majoras_wrath: Dammit, you don't need drugs to make you pay attention! They're trying to cure everything with drugs these days!
amaster42: Yes, but since we can promise to pay attention to War Lord's guest speakers in future, he's letting us watch Darth play downtown at Mile High Stadium.
moocow: Oh boy oh boy.
Pineconn: Oh boy.
majoras_wrath: Dammit, don't you even know about the side effects of this stuff?
amaster42: But there are no side effects, majoras_wrath.
moocow: No, not at all. [Pineconn looks away and a Christina Aguilera monster appears]
Christina Aguilera monster: Row! [Pineconn rubs his eyes, and she's gone]
Pineconn: Did you guys see that?
majoras_wrath: See what?

[MTV News. A satellite revolves around the logo. Y'know, like it used to, back when MTV lived up to it's name of Music TeleVision and actually played music
Announcer: You're watching MTV, the cool, brainwashing, twelve-year-old-and-younger station that hides behind a slick image. We're so cool that we decide what's cool. And now, MTV News, the news that is singlehandedly dumbing down our country. Which is cool. Here's your host, Kurt Loder.
Kurt Loder: [Framed by seven monitors showing the following: the MTV logo, The Cure's Robert Smith, a rotating Earth, Marilyn Manson, KoRn, Elton John, and Rick James] Why am I still doing this? I've got to be the oldest person in this network by at least 40 years.
Announcer: [The logo takes up the whole screen] Kurt Loder didn't just say that. No way, he did just say it, but just to be cool. That's what makes him cool. You think Kurt Loder is cool. And now, the news that's cool.
Kurt Loder: Well, it's only two weeks until Lalapalalababa, and the headlining band has changed. Now headlining the event is Darth [A shot of him], the new hit sensation out of AGN. This news came as a shock to the performer that was going to headline Lalapalabala, Phil Collins.
Phil Collins: [Still in AGN and still with his Oscar] Well, I think the sad question is 'Where are the parents in all this?' I mean, that kid's parents are letting him be exploited, and they don't even seem to care.
Kurt Loder: [A limo with police escort pulls up to a house] And so, Phil Collins decided to travel to AGN and personally pay Darth's parents a visit. [Phil gets out of the limo and goes to the front door]
Phil Collins: [In the living room] Well, I mean, why are you letting them do this to your son? Don't you see that everyone's just terrified of him?
Darth's Father: [Darth's father looks like Christopher Eccleston with a pair of blue sunglasses and a great scar across his face] Yes, and we couldn't be more proud.
Darth's Mother: [Darth's mother looks like Teagan Presley] I'd always hoped he'd follow his father into the Jedi killing business, but to be honest, as long as he's inspiring a cult following, we're happy.

[Suddenly a man bursts through a nearby window, lands on the floor and ignites a red lightsaber. Both Darth's parents follow suit and quickly turn the intruder to mincemeat with a vicious tagteam effort. They settle back into their seats just as quickly as the whole thing started]

Darth's Father: And he's clearly enjoying himself, which is always something you look for in work, so yeah, we're happy with where he's ended up.
Kurt Loder: Phil Collins warns that a novelty band that exists purely for the purpose of furthering evil should not be allowed to play Lalapalablalala, and vows to do everything in his power to stop it. Phil Collins, by the way, divorced his wife via fax and then married a 27-year-old. I'm Kurt Loder, and that's the news.

...continued...

[The AGN Cafe once more. War Lord walks up to the stage once more - looks like another boring lecture]

War Lord: Alright guys, sit down and shut up. [They already are. The entire cafe is filled with people sitting down and paying attention to War Lord] ...god this is dull. Wish I'd never got you guys hooked on Ritalin. [More silence] Ha! Ok, today I'm gonna talk to you about human reproduction. What do you think of that, eh? [He draws the words out slowly, but the group remains silent] Vaginas, and penises. Butt sex. [No reaction whatsoever] Well dammit, this is just great. Pineconn, don't you have some smart-ass thing to say?!
Pineconn: What kind of smart-ass thing would I say, War Lord?
War Lord: [Grabbing his head] Augh, this is driving me crazy! I can't deal with you little bastards being so mellow!
moocow: You seem a little stressed, War Lord. Why don't you try some Ritalin? [She has the bottle out. War Lord thinks for a bit, then goes for the bottle, opens it up, and chugs some pills down]
Pineconn: There you go. [He smiles, then frowns]
Christina Aguilera monster: [Sneaks out from behind one of the speakers] Row!
Pineconn: Wah!

[Mile High Stadium. A whole bunch of banners all proudly state 'Tonight Only! DARTH! Sold Out!']

Singer: Thank you, AGN! Good night!
Bass Player: [Exits the dressing room with the other band members] Alright, let's rock this house!
Darth: Hell yeah! Hope your on form tonight, I don't wanna have to cover up your screw-ups...
Bass Player: Yeah, yeah... [Dechipher trails the others, and Phil Collins appears in a hallway intersection next to the dressing room]
Phil Collins: Excuse me, Dechipher?
Dechipher: [Stops and turns] Yeah?
Phil Collins: Nice to meet you. I'm Phil Collins.
Dechipher: Oh, yeah. You're opening for us as Lalapalazabla.
Phil Collins: ...yeah. I just wanted to tell you that, well, I think that you're a great guitar player and song writer.
Dechipher: Oh, thanks a lot. I appreciate that. Listen, I gotta run. [He turns and starts walking away]
Phil Collins: It's too bad those other guys are holding you back.
Dechipher: [Stops and looks back] Wuh?
Phil Collins: Well, I mean, it's obvious all the talent and artistic vision in the band comes from you. Strange, how everyone focuses on Darth, isn't it? I mean, even the name of the band is 'Darth'.
Dechipher: Uh, the name of the band is 'Darth Marsden & The Sith Lords'.
Phil Collins: Look, I used to be in a band, too. Genesis. And all those bastards did was hold me back and hold me back. But then, finally, I went solo. And that's when I started writing really great songs. But look, if you happen to be on the sidelines, you know, being more of a cheerleader than a player, well, then I guess you should stay on as Darth's shadow.
Dechipher: [Dejected, walks away and looks back] Uh, thanks man. See ya.
Phil Collins: Well. That should just about put an end to all this Darth nonsense. [He kisses his Oscar]

[The band's dressing room, after the guys have finished playing their set. The faint sounds of the crowd cheering kinda give away the fact that they owned]

Darth: Ah, that was killer. Totally killer.
Drummer: There must have been like a hundred thousand people out there.
Dechipher: [Tosses his guitar aside] Yeah. All of them chanting 'Darth, Darth'.
Darth: Yeah, I know. People tend to focus on the lead singer. I kinda assumed you guys were cool with that when I signed up.
Bass Player: We are. Right?
Dechipher: The name of the band is Darth AND the Sith Lords, not just 'Darth'.
Darth: Yeah. I know that. That's what it'll say on the albums, and the tour guides, and the hour long 'Whatever Happened to' special they'll air in ten years. What's up with you?
Dechipher: What's up with me? What's up with you, more like!
Darth: Me?
Dechipher:Yeah, you! It's always about you, and I'm sick of it! Darth gets all the applause! Darth gets all the chicks! Well, you know what?! Forget you, man!
Drummer: Hey, Darth's a member of this band, just like we all-
Dechipher: [Spins around and points] Shut up! You can stay and deal with Mr. Egomaniac here, but I'm movin' on! [He heads for the door] I don't need any of you! [He grabs his guitar along the way] I'm goin' solo!
Darth: Look, I think you're over-reacting-
Dechipher: [At the door] No! Don't try and stop me, man! [He turns to exit] I'll see you on fame's backside. [Walks out the door]
Darth: ...well. Quite.

[Pineconn's house, the next day. The gang are on the sofa watching Terrance and Phillip. They all have their Ritalin close to hand, and amaster42 has the remote]

Phillip: Terrance, what brand of pants am I wearing?
Terrance: [Bends to look] Let me see. [Phillip farts on him and they crack up]
Phillip: How do you like that, Terrance?
Pineconn: Let's watch something else.
moocow: Yes, let's. [amaster42 starts channel-surfing, then stops]
Announcer: You're watching VH1.
The Gang: Ahhhh.
Anchor: Here's Lalapalalala's news. The hit group 'Darth' has broken up.
moocow: Oh dear. Darth's band broke up?
Anchor: And so, Phil Collins is back on as the headliner. The opening band now will be Darth's guitarist Dechipher's new solo project, 'Dechiphered'.
moocow: You know something? I think that's good. It was wrong to make Darth a singer.
amaster42: Yes. Phil Collins was right. People were afraid of Darth , and Darth should be at home, where he can't scare or intimidate anyone.
Pineconn: I agree. You know what, you guys? We should go to the concert anyways and see Phil Collins.
moocow: Yes. I think Phil Collins rocks the house.
amaster42: Sounds good.
Pineconn: So it's decided: Phil Collins concert for all of us. [A Christina Aguilera bug is crawling all over amaster42] Hooray. [He notices it] Oh. Hold still, amaster42. [He procures a baseball bat from somewhere and swings it at amaster42. It strikes, and amaster's face is smashed in. He falls backward, hits the floor, and a puddle of blood forms under him]

moocow: Oh my goodness, you killed amaster. Bastard.

[The AGN Cafe once more. majoras_wrath is standing on the stage, and most of the mods are sitting and listening intently]

majoras_wrath: Ok, I wanted to talk to you guys because I think you might be making a mistake putting everybody on Ritalin.
Breaker: Uh, but they have Attention Deficit Disorder. They can't stay focused without it.
majoras_wrath: Look, I know you wanna help the guys, but I brought over a videotape to show you that there are alternatives to Ritalin. There's this doctor in Northern California who is doing really amazing kids with guys who have ADD. I want you to watch this tape. [He puts in the tape. The VCR does the rest]
Dr. Shay: Hello, I'm Dr. Richard Shay, here to tell you about exciting new drug-free treatment for children with Attention Deficit Disorder. [Three kids are in a classroom setting, acting up. Dr. Shay enters] This treatment is fast and effective and doesn't use harmful drugs. Watch closely as I apply treatment to the first child.
Girl: [Dr. Shay walks up to her and listens as she rattles off] I want a horse. I want a big brown horse with a brown-and-black tail, and a diamond tiara- [He smacks her behind the ear] Ah!
Dr. Shay: Sit down and study! [She looks at him scared, then picks up a book and opens it, looking at him all the while. He moves on to the boy in the middle desk]
Boy 1: Woohoo, let's go sledding, let's go race and race, let's go! [Dr. Shay smacks him too, making him turn aside. He turns back]
Dr. Shay: Sit down and study!
Boy 1: [He looks at him, then starts crying] Wwaaahahahah [Dr. Shay smacks him again! The other boy stops and looks]
Dr. Shay: Stop crying and do your schoolwork! [The boy opens his book. He and the girl start reading. The Dr. moves over to the other boy, and he just cracks open his book and reads. The doctor address the camera] If you would like more information on my bold new treatment, please send away for this free brochure, entitled 'You can either calm down, or I can pop you in the mouth again'. Thank you. [majoras_wrath turns the tape off]
majoras_wrath: Well, what do you think? I can have Dr. Shay come help us out for a small fee.
PrrKitty: That video had pretty colors.
War Lord: Yeah.
majoras_wrath: What the? Dammit, have you all been taking Ritalin too?!
Mods: Yes.
majoras_wrath: Augh! [He throws the remote aside. The gang enters]
Pineconn: majoras_wrath, are you going to the Phil Collins concert tomorrow?
majoras_wrath: The what?
moocow: Phil Collins is playing Lalapalala's, and because we're all so focused, the Moderators have given us permission to go.
Mods: Yes.
majoras_wrath: Hold on a second: you guys actually want to go see Phil Collins?
Pineconn: Yes. His flowing melodies are really enjoyable to us.
majoras_wrath: Oh my God!!
moocow: Come, see him with us.
Pineconn: Yes, come with us. Come with uusss. Haaa, it's Christina Aguilera agan! [He runs around madly grasping at the 'monster'] She's on my back! Hah! [He runs out of shot]
majoras_wrath: That does it! I'm gonna go see Riverman about this! Phil Collins indeed...

[Riverman's store, later on. Riverman and the Clinic Doctor are talking while Riverman is counting some money]

Riverman: Look at that. Ritalin stocks are up ten points.
Clinic Doctor: That's easily another twenty grand apiece! [The pair laugh as majoras_wrath arrives]
majoras_wrath: [Pounding on the door] Hey, open this damn door. [The doctor and Riverman cover the money with a sheet and go to the front door]
Riverman: Can I help you?
majoras_wrath: Yes you can! What the hell are you two doin' prescribing everybody Ritalin?!
Clinic Doctor: Well, they've all been diagnosed with ADD. That's Attention Deficit-
majoras_wrath: I know what it is! But now you've got a town full of zombies from the planet Zandor.
Clinic Doctor: Huh?
majoras_wrath: All around the country, you bastard doctors are giving people Ritalin! And for every one person that actually needs it, you give it to 50,000 that don't!
Clinic Doctor: Hey now, don't tell us our business. Why, we-
majoras_wrath: You're damn right I'll tell you yo' business, because you two have got your heads up your asses! Thanks to you, we have guys in our town that like Phil Collins!
Riverman: Eh wuh, what?? [He and the doctor are shocked]
majoras_wrath: That's right! You've made them so dull and boring that they're actually going to go to a Phil Collins concert!
Clinic Doctor: Mm- my God. What have we done? [He beings to weep]
Riverman: Well, if I had known&#8230; Phil Collins... oh God! [He too beings to weep]
majoras_wrath: Well, how do we reverse the Ritalin?!
Clinic Doctor: We uh&#8230; have to convince them not to take it, but it'll be hard to get it away from them.
majoras_wrath: Then we need an antidote!
Riverman: Yes, of course.
Clinic Doctor: Uh, what's the antidote for Ritalin?
majoras_wrath: I have some right here. [He takes a bottle from a medicine case] It's a compound called 'Ritalout'.
majoras_wrath: Alright. Come on, we've got to get the antidote to all the guys. Quick! [They rush out]

[Welcome to LALAPALALAPAZA! A whole bunch of folk are filing in. Music is piped in before the concert and Phil Collins is playing some terrible dirge]

Phil Collins: [The crowd claps to the rhythm] Last night I went 'O'!
Bubudio
Last night I went 'Bubudio'
majoras_wrath: [Leads the doctor and Riverman to a lemonade stand] Here. We can put the Ritalin antidote in these drinks and hand them out to the group. ['Last night I went 'Bubudio.'' Riverman starts placing the Ritalout tablets in the drinks]
Phil Collins: Last night I went 'O!'
Bububudio. [He takes a bow to scattered clapping]
War Lord: Wasn't that great, moocow?
moocow: It sure was, War Lord.
Breaker: It's so wonderful for everyone to be on the same wavelength.
majoras_wrath: [Arriving with a tray of lemonade] Here you go, guys. Free drinks on me. [moocow reaches for his drink and takes a sip]
War Lord: Oh, thank you, majoras_wrath. How nice of you. [He takes a glass. He and moocow drink at the same time as majoras_wrath leaves]
Phil Collins: I know. I'd like to sing the complex and amazing song that won me the Oscar, a song entitled 'You'll Be In&#8230; Me'. [He goes to the piano, sets the Oscar on the piano top and starts playing it. It's a shameless parody of 'You'll Be In My Heart'] Thanks.
You're inside of me.
Deep inside of me. [majoras_wrath hands drinks to people]
So deep inside, I can feel you pushing against my heart.
majoras_warth: Come on, drink it down. It's free.
Pineconn: You'll be inside of me&#8230;
Christina Aguilera monster: [Appears on his shoulder] Row!
Pineconn: Huh? Oh no! Agh! [He tries to shake it off as it nibbles on his shoulder] Get off me! Get off me! Somebody help!! Please?? Somebody get it off of me!! Get it off of me.
War Lord: I feel&#8230; different.
Breaker: ...yeah. [The monster munches loudly on Pineconn]
Pineconn: Get off of me, Christina Aguilera! Alright?! Please! Hegh, hegh [The monster still munches on him as he rolls on the ground]
majoras_wrath: [Arrives] Hey, drink this. [He pours the lemonade Ritalout into Pineconn's mouth, and the Christina Aguilera monster dissolves] God help me! Heh, get it&#8230; [He turns over on his stomach] She's gone! Thank God!
Phil Collins: [Looks at the audience] Well, thanks! [He continues playing. The camera focuses on moocow and War Lord]
moocow: Wait a minute! Phil Collins sucks ass!
War Lord: Yeah! What the hell were we thinking?! GET OFF THE STAGE!
majoras_wrath: [Returns to the doctor and Riverman] I think it's working.
Audience: Booooo!!
Phil Collins: [Stops playing and addresses the audience] Shut your filthy holes, you little bastards!
moocow: Get off the stage, Phil Collins! We want Darth!
Pineconn: Yeah!
Phil Collins: But he's evil! He's gonna corrupt you all!
Pineconn: What, any more then video games or TV shows?
moocow: Yeah! All he was doing was playing some damned good rock! There's nothing evil in that!
Pineconn: Yeah! Darth! Darth!
Audience: DARTH! DARTH! DARTH! DARTH!

[The AGN Cafe. Darth and the other members of The Dark Side are all sitting on a table outside, drinking cans of coke or something. They're just chilling, basically.]

Drummer: Man, it sucks not being part of Lalapalabala. [The cry begins to reach them: 'DARTH! DARTH!']
Darth: Yeah. That would've been cool. ['DARTH! DARTH!']
Dechipher: [Walks in and grabs a seat] Hey guys. ['DARTH! DARTH!']
Bass Player: 'cipher? What are you doing here? ['DARTH! DARTH!'] Isn't 'Dechiphered' supposed to play soon? ['DARTH! DARTH! DARTH! DARTH!']
Dechipher: They booed Phil Collins off the stage. Everyone's chanting for Darth and The Dark Side. ['DARTH! DARTH!']
Drummer: ['DARTH! DARTH!'] Oh, so now that they want us, you think you can waltz back into our lives and be in the band again? ['DARTH! DARTH! DARTH! DARTH!']
Dechipher: I don't expect anything. Listen Darth, I&#8230; Well, I just wanted to say we had some pretty rockin' times, and&#8230; maybe I let fame and Phil Collins go to my head&#8230; ['DARTH! DARTH!']
Darth: Yeah, we did. ['DARTH! DARTH! DARTH! DARTH!']
Bass Player: [Stands and listens] Wow. They really are chanting for us. ['DARTH! DARTH! DARTH! DARTH!']
Drummer: Huh. ['DARTH! DARTH!']
Dechipher: What do you say, Darth? One more shot? ['DARTH! DARTH!']
Darth: ...ah, what the hell. ['DARTH! DARTH!']
Dark Lords: Alright!

[Back to the Lalapalalapaza concert]

Host: Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, it is my pleasure to introduce the reunion tour of Darth!
Darth: [Taking the mic out of its stand] How you guys doin'? [The audience cheers] Alright! Let's give it up for the Dark Side! [Again, the audience cheers. Dechipher looks on and smiles] I can't hear you! I said GIVE IT UP FOR THE DARK SIDE! [The audience cheers even louder. Dechipher has down to the ground and laughs to himself] There we go! Now... let's rock this joint!

[The band starts up and starts playing Linkin Park's 'Faint'. The crowd start mashing along with it. Both of Darth's parents are there, rocking out, and Phil Collins, his mouth duck-taped and his Oscar sticking out of his ass, is passed along on top of them]

majoras_wrath: Well, what do you think? I can have Dr. Shay come to South Park for a small fee.

Lol.

[hr]1[/hr]
Anyway. That's the ticket! Again, that chapter really rides with the top 1 or 2. Absolutely hilarious! Great job on your parody! 😉

Augh! One freakin' error!

Fixed. Well spotted, you. And thanks for the praise. I wasn't too sure about this one, but I'm glad at least one person likes it.

HEEEEEEE'S BAAAAAACK, and funny as ever!

Yay!:kawaii: I actually had more than one line this time.

And if I recall, Gatsby's car was yellow.

(Well, there are a few [noparse]/[/noparse] errors, but bleh.)

So, one question. Why exactly did I kill Amaster? 😛

Pineconn wrote:Well, there are a few [noparse]/[/noparse] errors, but bleh.

So, one question. Why exactly did I kill Amaster? 😛

Why'd you kill amaster42? He had a Christina Aquilera monster on him. Duh. :sly: