Darth's Fan-Fiction Thread

Yeah, but he's kinda' out of all the stories now.

Huh, that's not exactly how I pictured the C.A. monster looked like. 😉

I'm hoping that my death, like in most cartoons, only lasts until the next episode, at which point we can all be sure that at some unmentioned point in time between them, someone thought to call a necromancer.

I still saw various references to your transgressions (you missed some "South Park"'s) Do Ctrl + F and hunt down all words related to South Park, Cartman, etc. 😃

For the record amaster42, you're the sixth proper forum member I've actually killed. The first was biggiy05 in Not Dead Yet, the second was Lightningz in Customer Satisfaction, the third was Pineconn_lolz in A New Mod and the fourth and fifth were carrot red and SUCCESSOR in Game On!...or at least, I think it's been six.

Whether it has or not, none of the deaths has been permanent, so relax. You'll probably crop up again.

EDIT: No more Cartman or South Park references. If there's any left, point them out and win a cookie.

*Ahem* still waiting for that cameo you promsied on my birthday. Phattonez too.

Next one, promise.

Ooh, that means that there will be a next one! Feel free to take two weeks, though.

If you do give Archibaldo a cameo, you should break continuity and make him a lost reality sculpter stranded in the desert, who shapes himself a gaurdian angel out of pure white mana.😃 And if anyone besides Archibaldo gets that referance, they get a cookie.

lol, you made fun of my ADD.

Dick 😛

It was a VERY Ironic story IMO, simply because I was the one to undo the Ritalin, and I have ADHD.

*is shot repeatedly*

Next one may take a while, I've just temporarily re-entered the workforce.

...and I had no idea so many people had ADD. What a strange coincidence. 😊

Oh God. If you breathe, you have ADD.

I have ADHD, do I rock? haha. Yeah.

Pineconn wrote:Ooh, that means that there will be a next one! Feel free to take two weeks, though.

With thanks to biggiy05, for reasons that nobody else shall never ever know. So there.

Episode X - Mother Nature is a Whore

[AGN Cafe. Once again, War Lord is up on the stage, trying desperately to get everyone else to shut up. A group of people behind him dressed in yellow shirts lead by an older woman are talking amongst themselves as he fails miserably. Eventually he succeeds by hissing into the microphone, causing everyone to howl in pain. Once quiet, War Lord clears his throat]

War Lord: Ok, here we go again folks. I need money, you're too tight to give it, these guys aren't. Suck it up and take it like the miserable excuses for men and women that you are. [He turns to the group of people behind him] Go for it, guys.
Leader: Uh, thanks. [War Lord steps off the stage and the leader moves towards the microphone] Ok, how are we all doing today? [Absolute silence from the crowd. Not deterred, she puts on a smile] I said HOW ARE WE DOING?
Darth: [Sounding bored] What do you want?
Leader: Uh... right. Straight to the chase. Fair enough. Well, we are a national choir called 'Getting Gay With Nature', and we-

[The leader is interrupted by the entire audience bursting out in fits of childish giggles. The group's leader looks bored, as if she's encountered this before, and waits for the crowd to settle down. When they do, she continues talking]

Leader: Yes, I know the group has a silly name. Get over it.
Pineconn: No, I'm sorry. I mean, I know that the Gay in the title is probably referring to the old-style meaning of the word, but even then, it means 'Getting Happy With Nature'... I mean, really?
Leader: Yeah, well most of our sponsors are really old. Now can I get on with my pitch? [The crowd settles back down and she continues] Right. Well, you know who we are, so I guess I'd better say why we're here. Well, we're gonna do a big tour down in Central America to help save the rainforest, and we want you to be a part of it.
Archibaldo: Oh, for the love of a cheap prostitute...
Leader: You see, we take folks from all over the country and put them in a choir [Darth yawns and moocow nods off] where we sing and dance to raise awareness about our vanishing rainforest.
Male Choir Member: [Stepping forward] Did you know over 10,000 acres of rainforest are bulldozed every year?
Female Choir Member: [Stepping forward as well] That's right. And over 30% of the world's oxygen [Archibaldo sees her and begins to swoon] is made in the rainforest. [She smiles back at Archibaldo, who's utterly in love - ahem, distracted. The camera stays on him]
Leader: So, who wants to join the fun?
Pineconn: What if you don't have any rhythm?
Leader: ...I'm sorry?
Pineconn: Yeah, see, my friend over here [He points to Phattonez, who looks back at him] is more overweight than the rest of us, so he doesn't have any rhythm.
Phattonez: Hey! I'm not fat, you son of a bitch!
Pineconn: Denial really doesn't suit you, man.
Phattonez: Screw you!
Pineconn: No thanks, I don't swing that way.
War Lord: Phattonez, shut up! Pineconn, stop baiting him! Archibaldo, pay attention! [Sighs heavily] Sorry. Go ahead.
Leader: Uh, that was it, really. So, if anyone is interested in seeing the rainforest and joining us, I'll leave information packets up front.
Darth: Oh that's good, we were running low on toilet paper. [Everyone laughs. War Lord is livid and storms up to him]
War Lord: RIGHT! THAT'S IT! IN MY OFFICE, NOW!

[Later, the four (that's Archibaldo, Darth, Phattonez and Pineconn this time round) are all standing around in War Lord's office. After a minute, he enters and sits behind his desk]

War Lord: Dammit, guys. Was it really so much to ask that you keep your mouths shut?
Phattonez: But I'm not fat!
Darth: Well, no more so then the rest of America, anyway.
War Lord: Dammit Darth, shut up!
Darth: It's true though, you guys are totally overweight.
Pineconn: Yeah, well you guys are catching up with us.
War Lord: SHUT UP!
Darth: What can I say? We wanted to make sure you were comfortable with us.
Pineconn: Oh, you SO stole that from Monkey Island!
Darth: I steal from the best. So, Canada.
War Lord: Right! That's it. Y'know what? I think you guys need a lesson in humility. So guess where you've just been signed up?
Phattonez: Oh, no way!
Pineconn: You... you can't do that!
Darth: Yeah, I've got a gig with Dechipher next week!
Archibaldo: Alright! [The others look at him] Uh... bummer. Or something.
War Lord: Right. Yes way, I can do that, not any more you don't, learn to deal with it. I think it'll be educational for you guys.
Phattonez: But I don't even care about the environment!
War Lord: ...and that's why you need to go.
Pineconn: [Drops down onto his knees and pleads] Please War Lord, we'll be good. Don't send us to that stupid choir. Have mercy!

[The next day, outside Darth's house. He's chatting with his mother on the pavement while the tour bus waits for him]

Darth: Y'know, I could just kill them all.
Darth's Mum: Yes, you could. But then War Lord would kill your dad, and I would forever hate you.
Darth: So, probably not a good idea then?
Darth's Mum: Probably not. [The two hug]
Darth: Ok. I'll see you in a couple of weeks.
Darth's Mum: Ok. Bring us something back from the rainforest!
Leader: [Leaning out one of the bus' windows] Oh, nonono. The rainforest is very fragile. We must take only pictures and leave only footprints.
Darth's Mum: Bollocks to that. Grab us a snake, would you?
Darth: Not a problem. Give dad my respect and apologies, would you?
Darth's Mum: No love?
Darth: I'm a Sith Lord, not a bleeding heart. See you later.
Darth's Mum: Try not to upset the balance of the ecosystem too much!

[Darth reluctantly steps onto the bus and makes his way to the back, where Phattonez and Pineconn have saved him a seat. Archibaldo is sitting with the female choir member he's fallen heads over heels for]

Leader: Ok guys, that's all of us. We're ready to head for the Latin American nation of Costa Rica, a country filled with virgin rainforest.
Darth: Whoopee.
Leader: And you must be Darth Marsden. I've heard about you. You don't respect nature or other cultures.
Darth: I'd have thought the name might have clued you into that.
Leader: Well, I'm gonna change the way you think, kiddo.
Darth: [Smiles to himself] Yeah, good luck with that.
Archibaldo: [Starting a conversation with his 'soul mate'] Hey. I'm Archibaldo.
Female Choir Member: Kelly.
Archibaldo: Nice to know you, Kelly.
Leader: Now, we've got a long trip ahead of us, so let's take the opportunity to learn our choreography.
Darth: The nightmare begins.

[The bus rolls along. A map pops up, showing the bus's route, and Latin music plays. It crosses the border at Mexicali, goes down the Baja peninsula, takes a ferry to Mexico and cuts across the North to the Gulf, then snakes down Central America to Costa Rica. They arrive at San Jos�.]

Leader: Oh, look guys! I think we're entering San Jos�, which is the capital of Costa Rica. [The group move to their windows and look out] Oh! This is so exciting!
Pineconn: Man, I didn't realize how bad things were out here.
Leader: Costa Rica is a Third-World country. These people are much poorer than those in the U.S.
Darth: Well, why the hell don't they get jobs?! [Throws open his window and yells] Ey! Why don't you people quit slacking off and get a job! What's wrong with you?! Go to college!
Leader: Sit down, Darth!
Darth: [Sits down] Look, you've gotta be firm with these people or they just slack off and be poor forever.
Leader: I'm warning you Darth, I am not gonna take comments like that.
Darth: Whoa, look over there! [The bus stops. There are three women in front of a shop. A man has just dropped them off, pays them and drives away, and they wave at him] Wow! Costa Rican prostitutes! Hey, look at the prostitutes, you guys!
Redheaded Prostitute: [With heavy accent] What are chu looking at, man?
Middle Prostitute: Yeah, why don't chu take a peekture?
Darth: Ok. [Grabs Kelly's camera and takes a picture. In an exaggerated voice, he says...] Kuhleek! [He hands the camera back and grins at the prostitutes]
Leader: SIT DOWN!

[Eventually the bus stops at the Centro Nacional de Costa Rica, and the group gets out and gather on the pavement]

Leader: Ok, this is the Costa Rican Capitol building. This is where all the leaders of the Costa Rican government make their-
Darth: Oh my God, [He covers his nose] it smells like ass out here.
Leader: All right, that does it! [She turns Darth around] Darth Marsden, you respect other cultures this instant!
Darth: I wasn't saying anything about their culture, I was just saying their city smells like ass.
Kelly: Wow, seeing a place like this really makes you appreciate living in America, huh?
Archibaldo: Yeah, yeah it does.
Leader: Now look, you may think that making fun of Third-World countries is funny, but let me-
Darth: I don't think it's funny! This place is overcrowded, smelly and poor! That's not funny, that sucks!
Leader: Darth, will you please, PLEASE just keep your mouth shut while we present ourselves to the Costa Rican President?
Darth: Ugh. Fine. Killjoy.

[A minute later, the group is inside the Capitol. They're all facing the President, who's trying to talk to them, with limited success]

Leader: Well, it was a long trip, but the guys are very excited to sing tomorrow.
El Presidente: [After a long pause] �Qu�?
Leader: Uh, we're, uh, we're the choir? That, that was sent from� the United States?
El Presidente: [Another long pause] �Qu�?
Leader: We're the group singing for the 'Save The Rainforest' summit tomorrow? [El Presidente clearly has no clue what she's saying, and she's getting really worried] Dammit, where's that translator? He should have been here by now...
Darth: [Stepping forward] Usted es choir de Estados Unidos.
El Presidente: �O! �O! Save The Rainforest!
Darth: S�, El Presidente.
Leader: You... you speak Spanish?
Darth: [Grinning] Still want me to shut up?
El Presidente: Pablo los llevar� en un tur de la jungla. [A Guide, Pablo, appears beside El Presidente]
Darth: Ok, so this guy is Pablo, and he's gonna give us a tour of the rainforest, and I charge by the hour.
Leader: You don't!
Darth: Well, I guess we could work something out. [To El Presidente and Pablo] Un momento, El Presidente.
El Presidente: S�.
Darth: [To the choir leader] If you let me sit out of any of those stupid performances you decide to put on, I'll translate for you.
Leader: WHAT?
Darth: If not... well, then El Presidente learns we have a group of terrorists here to take what little money this country has left.
Leader: You wouldn't?
Darth: I'm a Sith Lord. There's little I wouldn't do.
Leader: ...fine.
Darth: Cool. Whatcha want me to say?
Leader: Tell El Presidente to round up his subjects outside. We have a special gift for him. The gift... of song.

[Outside, on the Capitol steps, the group has gathered together and is preparing to perform]

Leader: Ok guys, let's get into position quickly so we can get started.
Kelly: Did you remember all the choreography, Arch?
Archibaldo: Yeah, I think so.
Leader: [To audience] Hello, everybody. This is just a little rehearsal for tomorrow, so we may be a little rusty. [She chuckles and shrugs. The people just look on, puzzled. She presses the play button. The group begin to dance to the music, in the key of D]

The big dance number!

Tootin' tootin' to, tada choo choo wow!

Men sing: There's a place that is magical, and full of rain.
Women sing: But now it needs help, because it is in pain.
Men sing: Cleaning the earth is a mighty big chore
All: We're spreading awareness like never before!

Getting Gay With Nature is here! [Phattonez is out of step now]
To spread the word and bring you cheer
Let's save the rainforest! What do you say?!
Being an activist is totally gay!

Man: Someday if we work hard, boys and girls,
Woman: There'll be nothing but rainforests covering the entire world!

[Group rush into the audience and bring some members back as new partners]
Getting Gay With Kids is here!
To spread the word and bring you cheer. Yeah!
Move to E flat Getting Gay With Nature!
Let's save the rainforest! It's totally gay!
It's totally gay!

[The choir regroups and Phattonez stumbles into place. The tape is stopped and the subjects just walk away]

Leader: Great job, gang! You were really all over the place, Phattonez.
Phattonez: Yeah, I know, thanks.
Pineconn: I told you, fat people have no rhythm.
Phattonez: Shut up before I shut you up, you butt-sucker!
Darth: [Walking on from off-camera with a taco] No, I think he may actually be right.
Phattonez: No! That- that's just a stereotype!
Darth: Yeah, but... maybe you don't have any rhythm? [Zoom in on Phattonez's horrified face]

[The next day, the sun is rising over a sea of green, the canopy of the rainforest. Pan down to the choir group, touring the forest with Pablo leading them on]

Pablo: This is now secondary rainforest we are entering. Notice the canopy of foliage.
Leader: Oh, it's everything I ever dreamed it would be!
Phattonez: Man, it's hot out here. [Looks over at Darth, who's wearing a leather coat] Aren't you roasting in that thing?
Darth: No.
Phattonez: How come?
Darth: Sith Lord. How many times..?
Phattonez: Right, sorry.
Pablo: [Turns round to face the group] The rainforest is very delicate, and we must take steps to protect it.
Pineconn: [Impatiently] Yeah yeah yeah, take steps to protect it, blah blah blah. [Pablo looks at him] We hear this a million times back at home.
Pablo: Here! Look! These are squirrel monkeys. [Lo and behold, one sits in a tree, resting] Endangered inhabitants of the rainforest.
Kelly: Wow! Isn't he neat, Archy? [Takes a picture]
Archibaldo: ...please don't call me Archy. Makes me sound like a cartoon character.
Leader: Well, Mr. Pedro, this was a great tour, but I guess we should be getting back. We have a big concert tomorrow.
Male Choir Member: I wish we could have seen the Yanogapa.
Pineconn: The who what now?
Leader: The Yanogapa are gentle native people that live in the rainforest, but bulldozers are destroying their homes. Soon, they will have nowhere to go. So we must stop bulldozing the rainforest so that they can live-!
Darth: Oh god, here we go again.
Kelly: AHH! [She hides behind Archibaldo]
Leader: What? What is it?
Kelly: SNAKE! [She points to it, and the group turns and looks at it. Pablo goes up and examines it up close]
Pablo: Oh, yes. This is what we call a coral snake. Notice the red markings. Quite an amazing creature. [Kelly backs further behind Archibaldo, who smiles in a content sort of way] What's the matter?
Kelly: I'm just scared of snakes.
Pablo: No, no. You must remember. This snake is more afraid of us than we are of it. [The snake jumps out of the tree and wraps itself around him, suffocating him] Oh!! [The snake then bites him all over the face, and he falls over]
Leader: Oh my God!! [The snake starts swallowing Pablo]
Pineconn: Yeah. Terrified of us, that one.
Leader: Jesus Christ, is he dead?! [Pablo's bones come out of the snake's anus]
Darth: My guess would be 'yes'.
Leader: Oh no! God no, no! [She spins around] Don't panic, guys. [The snake suddenly jumps at her, but Darth raises his hand and it freezes in mid-air. He closes his hand into a fist and a loud 'snap' is heard, then the snake falls to the ground, dead. He walks over and picks it up]
Darth: Here we go. Now how am I gonna get this thing home?

[The sun sets over the rainforest. The choir leader now guides the group. As they all walk past, we can see that they're scared, but Darth is the only one who's not. He's got the snake wrapped round his neck like a scarf, and he's produced a fedora from somewhere, making him look kinda like the Fourth Doctor]

Leader: Maybe we came from that way. [She points to her left] No, no. Let's try this way. [She points to her right and moves that way]
Kelly: Arch... do you think we're gonna be Ok?
Archibaldo: Yeah, we'll be fine. Darth won't let anything happen to us.
Kelly: How can you say that? He's evil!
Darth: [Interrupting] And? Just because I'm evil doesn't mean I automatically want to gut you and use your carcass as a sleeping bag.
Kelly: ...
Darth: Y'know, for example.
Archibaldo: You like us, right?
Darth: Yeah, you're good people. Friends, even. I don't senselessly kill friends for no reason. You're cool. [Wanders off]
Kelly: ...he scares me.
Archibaldo: Nah, he's cool.
Kelly: ...um... can I tell you something?
Archibaldo: Yeah, sure.
Kelly: I... I think I like you.
Archibaldo: Really?
Kelly: Yeah. I mean, I think we communicate really well and everything.
Archibaldo: That-that's great!
Kelly: No it's not!
Archibaldo: Really?
Kelly: See, if I start to like you too much [She looks away] I'm only going to get my heart broken. 'cause we live on opposite ends of the country. [She looks at him again] Once this choir tour is over, we'll never see each other again. [She grabs him and gets emotional] And that would devastate me. [She lets go] So I can't have any feelings for you, I just can't! [She walks away]
Archibaldo: ...dammit!
Leader: Oh great, the sun is setting. We have to find our way out of here quick!

[The sun sets and the moon appears over the rainforest. Lightning flashes and the camera slowly drops to ground cover]

Leader: Ok, everything is just fine, guys. Now it is important that we all stick together. Is everybody still here?
Darth: [In falsetto voice] I'm not.
Leader: Who's not?!
Darth: [In falsetto voice] Me.
Leader: [Catching on] Dammit, now it not the time, Darth!
Kelly: Arch, will you hold my hand? [When she lowers her hand, Archibaldo grabs it, but she looks away] I don't want to get emotionally attached, though.
Phattonez: Oh god! I think I just saw Tony Danza!
Leader: You did not just see Tony Danza, Phattonez. Christ.

...continued...

[The next day, and the sun is rising over the Centro Nacional. A rooster crows. A maasive stage is prepared for the Save the Rain Forest summit. It looks like an amphitheatre, with a scaffold holding ten speakers over the stage and bullhorns atop the pillars. Balloons and a Save the Rain Forest banner are also anchored to the scaffold]

El Presidente: [On stage, giving instructions] Bueno, bueno. Pongan el arcoiris al lado de las tortugas muertas. (Put the rainbow next to the picture of dying sea turtles) [The worker moves along]
Translator: [Approaching, horribly late] Buenos dias, Señor Presidente. (Hello, El Presidente)
El Presidente: ¡Amperio hora, el traductor! ¿Está todo bien? (Ah, the translator! Is everything going well?)
Translator: Uh, muy bien. Señor Presidente, um… ¿Usted no ha visto el coro, no, mm-hm bien? (Oh fine, fine… You, uh, haven't seen the choir have you?)
El Presidente: ¡¿QUÉ?! (WHAT?!)
Translator: Parece que anoche no regresaron al hotel... (Well, they never came back to the hotel last night...)
El Presidente:[/] ¡¿Está bromeando?! ¡¡¡Más de cien mil personas atenderan este evento!!! ¡¿Y me dice usted que no tendré a mis chiquitos lindos para que les canten?! [I](You've got to be kidding!! I have over a hundred thousand people coming to this event!!! Are you telling me that I have no choreographed dancers to entertain them?!)
Translator: Estoy seguro que-uh-mmm, que-aaah llegá- llegáran. No se preocupe. Eh, olvidelo, ¿yeah-mbien? (I am sure they'll get here. No problem, forget I said anything.)

[Meanwhile, back in the rainforest, the group rises and marches on]

Kelly: Oh god, we're gonna die out here, aren't we?
Leader: Don't worry, Kelly. We're gonna find our way out of the rainforest and make it back to the concert in time. We just need to respect our mother rainforest so that she will respect us.
Pineconn: Hey, you've got a bug on your back.
Leader: Oh, really? Could you brush it off? [She turn around so we can see her backpack, and a huge insect half her size growls on it]
Pineconn: ...no.
Leader: [Panics] Oh my God, get it off me!! For the love of God, get it off me!! Oh my God!! [The insect growls and falls silent] Oh-okay, guys. We must understand that the insects of the rainforest help the delicate balance of life here. [She sees the insect, still on her back] Oh my God!! [She runs off]
Phattonez: Man, this place sucks more then Paris Hilton.
Darth: Woah! Let's not go abusing the Paris Hilton card, huh?
Pineconn: Actually, I think he's got a point. This is pretty crappy.
Darth: Ok, let's put it to the vote. [To the rest of the group] Hands up all those who think this situation sucks more then Paris Hilton. [About four hands go up] There. See? Abuse.
Phattonez: Man, she must have been putting in overtime to suck this much.
Leader: [Returning] Ok, now let's try to listen to what the rainforest tells us. And if we use our ears she can tell us so many things. Perhaps-
Archibaldo: Incoming! [A soldier clutching an AK47 enters the area. The choir leader waves at him]
Leader: Oh thank goodness! Hello, sir. We are lost. Can you help us?
Soldier: ¿Qué?
Darth: Oh for heaven's sake... [Steps forward] Nos pierden y requerimos ayuda. ¿Puede usted ayudarnos? (We are lost and require assistance. Can you help us?)
Soldier: Sí, ciertamente. (Yes, certainly.)
Pineconn: Hey, tell him I want a burrito. Necesito burri-tos.
Darth: What?
Phattonez: Hey, I don't want a burrito. I want a taco. Supreme.
Darth: Look, I can't just...
Archibaldo: I want two tostadas and mild sauce.
Darth: Shut up!
Leader: Much as I hate to do so, I have to side with Darth here. Not every Spanish person eats tacos and burritos. That's a stereotype.
Darth: One that's true, but stil. [The soldier points a way out with his thumb]
Leader: Guys, he wants us to follow him! Oh, thank God! I think this ordeal is over! [They leave]

[The group arrives at a military camp deep in the rainforest. Soldiers go about their maneuvers. They pass a small barbed-wire bunker]

Archibaldo: ...this doesn't look very safe.
Phattonez: Yeah, I think we should get out of here.
Choir Leader: Now guys, let's be a bit more 'open-minded'. I read all about this in Newsweek - this is a 'people's army'. They are fighting the fascist policies of their fascist government. [She addresses them] Oh, hello. Do you speak of English?
People's Army Leader: Who are you?!
Choir Leader: Oh, wonderful! We were lost, and it is such a great coincidence we found you. You see, we're here to protest the government-sanctioned raping of your rainforest. [The soldiers just stare] We are fighters, just like you. Could you help us get back to San José? [Again, no response] Um... Oh, I know! Perhaps you would like a gift.. Well, we only have one gift to give. The gift... of song [She moves aside as the others in the choir groan and get into position] Phattonez, for the love of God, do the right choreography... [The group starts doing the silly dance, but Phattonez is still out of synch with the others] Phattonez, please! [The group starts singing the first line of the song, but...]
People's Army Leader: Enough!
Choir Leader: Well, we hope that our gift of song has warmed your hearts.
People's Army Leader: We're not getting gay with nature, alright?
Choir Leader: Uh, ok. Soooo... do you have a phone we could use?
People's Army Leader: [Giggles] Yes, we have a phone. It's right over there next to the 12-person jacuzzi. [He and the rest of his men laugh] Now get out of here before we kill you!
Choir Leader: [Sullen] Is it because of the fat guy's dancing?
Phattonez: Hey!
People's Army Leader: [The soldier next to him cocks his shotgun] You white Americans make me sick! [He emphasizes his disgust with thumps on the table] You waste food, oil, and everything else because you're so rich, and then you tell the rest of the world to save the rainforest because you like its pretty flowers!

[Two Costa Rican soldiers can be seen behind the gasoline barrels. They pop up and open fire. The people's army immediately responds, and bullets fly everywhere. The group screams and Darth automatically reaches for his [Strike]sonic screwdriver[/Strike] lightsaber]

People's Army Leader: [Waving the group away] ¡Rapido, rapido!
Leader: Run guys, run!

[Back in San José. The translator and El Presidente are standing backstage, watching the audience coming in]

El Presidente: ¡¿Donde putos está el coro?! ¡El espectáculo comienza pronto! (Where the hell is our choir?! The show is supposed to start soon!)
Translator: No se preocupe, El Presidente, estáran aqui. Este evento es muy importante para que la maestra del coro se lo pierda. (Don't worry, El Presidente, they'll be here. This is too important for the choir teacher to miss.)

[...and back to the rainforest again. The group is currently walking along a river bank somewhere]

Leader: Hello? Anybody? Help!
Male Choir Member: Wow, look at the pretty flower. [He stops by to touch a huge yellow flower with blue support on a large green stalk]
Leader: Oh nonono, Jake. That fragile flower is very delicate, okay? [Before she could finish the sentence, the flower wraps its petals around Jake and pulls him off the floor]
Jake: Augh! Help! [The choir leader quickly grabs his feet and manages to pull him out. Covered in green saliva, he huddles in a cornere, shivering. The rest of the group stops and decides now would be a good time to take a break]
Kelly: [Depressed] I wish I were back home in bed.
Archibaldo: Yeah, me too. Preferably with you, but whatever.
Kelly: [Smiling] You're funny.
Archibaldo: I'm also sweet, kind and gentle, depending on who you ask.
Kelly: [Realizing and turning away] Oh, but you're only going to leave me!
Archibaldo: Dammit!

[Back in San José, the reporters for the telecast have arrived and are in position, ready to report. Sorry guys, no Anthony this time]

Short Reporter: We're here live in San José, Costa Rica, where hundreds of rich Americans have gathered for the Save the Rain Forest summit. Everyone is here so they can feel good about themselves, and act like they aren't the ones responsible for the rainforest's peril.
Slim Reporter: That's right Bob, and of course the main attraction today is the choir 'Getting Gay With Nature', all of whom must be backstage preparing at this very moment.

[Back to the rainforest, where the terrain looks very familiar...]

Leader: Oh, there's just no end to this place! I think maybe we're going in circles. Oh, dear God! The summit starts in an hour; I'm gonna lose my job! [Another large insect roars behind her backpack, and she jumps] Aaaah!
Darth: Ok, y'know what? I've had enough of this. [He starts to walk off in another direction]
Leader: Where are you going?
Darth: [Stops and turns round] I'm going this way.
Leader: Woah no! I'm the senior member of this group, and I say we go this way.
Darth: Look. You can stay over here, but I'm going over [Points in the opposite direction] heya.
Leader: Dammit Darth, stop stirring up trouble!
Darth: Ah - you here, me heya. Screw you guys, I'ma going home.
Leader: Good! You deserve to die, you little bastard! [The others watch him leave in silence] Darth, we have to stay together!
Darth: [Moving through the rainforest] God-damned stupid hippie activist! I'm a freakin' Sith Lord, I know what I'm doing. Should be at home right now watching Space Precinct and eating crisps, not stuck in this fu- [He finds himself at a clearing full of bulldozers moving wood around] Ha! Freakin' A! [He rushes towards the bulldozers]

[Back at the river, the others look tired]

Pineconn: Hey... maybe Darth was right.
Archibaldo: Yeah. I mean, he is a Sith Lord and all.
Leader: No! [Puts her head in her hands] The Spirit of Maya has told me to go this way.

[The clearing again. Darth reaches one of the work tables that the workers are using, and starts acting weak]

Darth: You... you've gotta help me... so weak...
Foreman: Who? What are you doing here?
Darth: I was with my group... we got lost in the rainforest... I need food... fast...
Foreman: Lost in the forest? Oh Christ! Where? Where are they?
Darth: Food... need food... [Collapses]
Foreman: Oh my God! Get this guy some food, quick!
Darth: [Lifts head] Chicken Wings. [Drops it]
Foreman: Chicken Wings!
Darth: [Lifts head] Medium Spicy. [Drops it]

[Back in San José. The crowd are getting restless and are chanting and yelling. Backstage, El Presidente and the translator are looking on nervously]

Crowd: Start the show! Start the show! Start the show!
El Presidente: La gente está ansiosa. Dentro de poco, se alborotan y empiezan a tirar chorchadas. (The activists are getting anxious. They will start throwing things soon.)
Translator: Estoy seguro que llegáran. Eh-solo poquito mas de tiempo. (I'm sure the choir will be here. We just need a little more time)
El Presidente: Bueno, voy a entretenerlos con mis chistes de Polacos. (Well, I will try and amuse them with my Pollace Jokes.) [He heads for center stage]
Translator: Mbien.
El Presidente: [Reaches the mike] ¿A cuantos Polacos les toma a comerse un burrito? (How many Pollacks does it take to eat a burrito?) [The crowd is silent. He holds up two fingers] Dos. (Two.) [Seeing no reaction, he laughs, then tries again] ¿A cuantos Polacos les toma a manejar a Panamá? (How many Pollacks does it take to drive to Panama?)

[Back in the rainforest, the choir keeps walking]

Leader: Oh God, this is a nightmare! We're never going to make the festival!
Phattonez: Hey, look over there. Isn't that smoke? [A column of smoke is indeed seen floating above the canopy]
Leader: Yes, yes it is! Well spotted! Come on! [They rush towards the column and find a small campfire]
Archibaldo Hey, it's a fire. That means there must be people. [The shrubs around them rustle, and they face the shrubs. Some big-lipped dwarves surround them]
Leader: My god... t's the Yanogapa. [Speaking to the dwarves] Do not be afraid. We are not here to tear down your rainforest. [The group is surrounded by spear-bearing Yanogapa men]
Yanogapa 1: Damtilié?
Yanogapa 2: Damtilié.
Leader: [Marveling as the Yanogapa start to dance] Look how they live in peace with all living things. Gentle, noble... [Suddenly realizing what their dance means] Run for your lives!
Pineconn: Holy crap! [They all run]
Yanogapa: [Giving chase and throwing spears] Damtilié! Damtilié! Damtilié!
Phattonez: [Damtilié!] Jesus Christ!
Leader: [Damtilié! Damtilié!] Run run ruuun! A huge insect lands on her backpack and roars. She looks back and the insect flies away] Waaah!
Kelly: [Tripping over] Aaaaa! Arch!
Archibaldo: [Going back for her] I've gotcha. Let's go! [They run on, but end up in a bed of quicksand with the others]
Phattonez: What the hell?
Pineconn: We're sinking!
Leader: It's quicksand, people! [The Yanogapa warriors leap with excitement. Damtilié...]

[The Yanogapa village. Heads of unfortunate trespassers hang on poles. An abandoned camera is among them. Further on, the choir is found seated around a campfire... tied up individually]
Pineconn: All we ever heard growing up was, "Save the rainforest. The rainforest is fragile"!
Phattonez: Yeah! Fragile my ass!
Kelly: Arch, if we make it out of this, I want to be your girlfriend. Even if we do live in different places, I don't care! [She snuggles up to him, the lucky bastard]
Archibaldo: Aw, hell yeah!
[The Yanogapa men are apparently no different than other men. They have dressed the choir leader in a skimpy home-made red-and-white cheerleading outfit, complete with pom-poms, then strung her up between two trees. They dance around her, chanting 'Damtilié']
Leader: [put off] Ok, now just what the heck is going on here, people? [a giant Yanogapa rises from the brush and his voice rumbles across the rainforest. She responds] AAAAA!!
Kelly: Oh no, that big thing is going to screw her!
Leader: All right, that does it!! [The men stop dancing] Screw these stupid-ass rainforests!! This place sodding sucks!! [The giant Yanogapa is shocked] I was wrong!! Screw the rainforest!! I hate it, I hate it!!
Pineconn: Oh, NOW she figures it out.

[A bulldozer suddenly appears, driven by the foreman]

Forman: Quick! Everybody help these guys!

[More bulldozers enter and spread out. The workers go after the Yanogapa and chase them away. The guys brighten up considerably. One bulldozer scoops up a group of Yanogapa and crushes them against a tree, killing them, then backs up over a coral snake, crushing it to bits, then rolls forward over a large insect, crushng it]

Phattonez: Sweet as!
Foreman: [Cutting the ropes off the group] Come on! Let's get you back to civilization!
Everyone: YEAH!!
Leader: [Being cut down by a worker] There is a God!

[Later. The choir leader is back in her regular clothes and sits on a gasoline barrel. Phattonez sits on another one, and the rest of the group take positions all over the bulldozer. All sip lemonade]

Leader: How did you know where we were?
Foreman: Your little friend helped me out.
Leader: Darth?
Leader: [Walking into shot and sitting down] You owe me BIG for this one.
Leader: What exactly are you guys doing out here, with all this construction equipment?
Foreman: We're clearing out big sections of the rainforest for a lumberyard.
Leader: Really? Great!
Foreman: You mean, you don't mind?
Leader: No, I hate the rainforest! You go right ahead and plow down this whole freakin' thing!
Foreman: Oh! Well, nice to meet someone who doesn't think we're evil!

[San José. The choir is now at the Save the Rain Forest summit stage]

Summit Host: And now, here to teach us about the rainfoest is Getting Gay With Nature! [The crowd applauds]
Leader: Does everybody remember the new lyrics? [The group nods yes] And…

The New Lyrics!

Tootin' tootin' to, tada choo choo wow!

[Men sing] There's a place called the rainforest; it truly sucks ass.
[Women sing] Let's knock it all down and get rid of it fast.
[Men sing] You say 'Save the rainforest', but what do you know?
[All sing] You've never been to the rainforest before.

Getting Gay With Nature is here!
To tell you things you might not like to hear.
You only fight these causes 'cause caring sells.
All you activists can go screw yourselves!

Male Activist: That was so inspiring.
Female Activist: What a wonderful message.

[Man sings] Someday if we work hard, boys and girls,

[Onscreen caption reads:
Each year, the Rainforest is responsible for over three thousand deaths from accidents, attacks or illnesses.

[Woman sings] There'll be no more rainforests left in the entire world!

[Onscreen caption reads:
There are over seven hundred things in the Rainforest that cause cancer.

[Man joins her] World!

[Onscreen caption reads:
Join the fight now and help stop the Rainforest before it's too late.

Getting Gay With Kids is here!
To spread the word and bring you cheer. Yeah!
[Move to E flat] Getting Gay With Kids is here!
Let's knock down the rainforest! What do you say?!
It's totally gay! It's totally gay!

I love this episode. Another classic Darth! Keep up the good work!

Was that the episode with Jennifer Aniston doing the voice for one of the choir members?

What was the name of that episode? Or it's number. I remember watching it once.....

Rainforest Shmainforest is the actual title of this episode. Yes it was the one with Jennifer Aniston as the guest star. It was well done. Can you believe that episode was all the way back in season 3?

Darth Marsden wrote:With thanks to biggiy05, for reasons that nobody else shall never ever know. So there.

I need to watch that episode again.

Great story as always.

Thanks guys. More info about the original episode (and a cough*download*cough) can be found here.

Vera' nice!!! (Yes, as always.) I'm running out of things to say here, so, as I've done a few months ago, it's haiku time!

"This story is great.
Very, very, humorous.
Not a moment late."

Poetry sucks.

*poke*

Stop having a real life and a job. Write some more stories! If I get this laptop before quarter starts I need something to do on campus between classes.

Laptops suck. Show me one that can play Half-Life 2 and I'll show you a brick to the head.

Episode XI - Bang-Bang-A-Boom

[The AGN Cafe once again. Everyone's sitting down, chatting to each other, while Archibaldo is busy texting someone, presumably Kelly. War Lord walks on to the now familiar stage at the front]

War Lord: Ok, now I know you're all anxious to get out there and enjoy the summer, but before you do, we've got one of those 'War-Lord-needs-money-so-we're-gonna-give-a-boring-speech' things, and nobody's going anywhere until-
Darth: Standing up and pointing] Hey! It's Enrico Polazzo!
War Lord: What? [Turns round to look] I don't see... [Turns back round, only to see everyone's vanished] ...y'know, I'd be mad if I hadn't myself to blame for this.

[Outside, the guys are all running around in t-shirts and shorts, while the ladies have stripped down to bikinis and stupidly over-sized sunglasses that look ridiculous and I hate them oh god I hate them why do people keep buying them when they look so stupid augh life sucks but I digress 'cause they're all wearing them and there's nothing I can do to change that. Focus on Darth's group, which consists of the man himself (wearing combats rather then shorts), Pineconn, Sam Atoms and The Cyborg, all of whom have Ice Creams - with flakes!]

Darth: I don't normally enjoy summer, but given that I'm not actually working this year, I think I might this time.
Sam Atoms: Yeah, this is gonna be great!
Pineconn: Let's go grab some fieworks. I wanna try the new M-80s.
Darth: Hell, I'm always up for buying some explosive firepower.

[The group wanders over to the Fireworks stall that's been set up near Bitchin' Pond]

Stall Owner: Hey guys, what can I getcha?
Pineconn: We wanna buy some M-80s.
Darth: Yeah, about a hundered or so, whatever you've got. [The others look at him] What? Voice-over work for commercials pays big time.
The Cyborg: I KNEW it was you advertising chewing gum!
Darth: Which is ironic, considering I never use the stuff.
Pineconn: ...so yeah, 100 M-80s please.
Stall Owner: Sorry guys, no can do.
Pineconn: What?
Stall Owner: Fireworks have been banned in small-time communities.
Sam Atoms: Say what?
Stall Owner: Yeah, it's all over the papers. [He hands the group one and they read it]
The Cyborg: Oh come on! We can't shoot highly combustible projectiles just 'cause some kid from Zelda Classic blew his hands off?
Stall Owner: Yup.
Darth: So, so weak.
Pineconn: A summer without fireworks is like� I don't know, but it's like... it sucks ass!
Sam Atoms: Yeah, now what are we gonna do?
Stall Owner: [Pulls out a fireworks box and takes something out] I can still sell snakes. [He lights one up, sets it down, and watches it grow]
All: Augh.

[The AGN Cafe. War Lord is sitting behind his desk, while Breaker and SUCCESSOR are standing around him trying, and failing, to look like they're doing something useful rather then just stand around trying not to look like they're trying, and failing to look like they're doing something useful. Or something. War Lord is busy yelling at someone on the phone]

War Lord: It's ridiculous! Everyone here is totally responsible! We shouldn't stop them from using fireworks just 'cause so immature little punk who can't even get laid decided to play with himself and got his fingers blown off as a result! ...yes, I'm fully aware of how sexual that sounds, that was the point! ...dammit, what are we supposed to do for entertainment around these parts now? ...what? ...no, we don't want sodding snakes! ...that's all you can come up with? That's pathetic! Get me the owner of this place! ...yes, I know that, I was being ironic! [Hangs up] Ugh. Now what?
SUCCESSOR: [Stepping forward to make it look like he's doing something useful rather then standing around and so forth] Look, what's wrong with snakes? Maybe if you got a few and lit them together, you could do something with that.
Breaker: [Also stepping forward so that it doesn't look like he's trying, and failing, to look like he's all the rest of it] Yeah, you could have a race with 'em or something.
War Lord: Dammit guys, stop standing around trying to look useful and actually be useful for once! We need something big, something to grab people's attention, something... wait. Big... [He hits the desk with his fist and stands up] I've got it! AGN will make history by having the largest snake in the world!

[Back outside with the gang, walking down a street. They all have Slush Puppies]

Darth: Man, it's hot out here.
Pineconn: So what do you guys wanna do? We've got the whole summer.
Sam Atoms: What are we supposed to do? We always just play with fireworks.
Pineconn: ...we could go sunbathing.
The Cyborg: You're kidding, right?
Sam Atoms: Seriously, like I care whether I have a tan or not.
Pineconn: Ok, how about we go down to Bitchin' Pond and ogle all the hot chicks in bikinis?
Darth: What, all three of them?
Pineconn: Yeah!
Darth: Well, given that they're all spoken for, I'd find that utterly pointless. Pineconn: ...play baseball or something?
The Cyborg: Yeah, we're not really the 'playing' type.
Pineconn: Fine! Let's just do what we always do, go inside and play Mario Kart!
Darth: Normally I'm all for that, but it's summer! And what do we get in summer?
Sam Atoms: Hot babes?
Darth: Besides them.
Sam Atoms: Pasty white guys?
Darth: Besides them.
Sam Atoms: ...screen glare?
Darth: Screen glare. And what does screen glare mean?
Sam Atoms: ...um...
The Cyborg: A reduced gaming experience.
Darth: Exactly!
Pineconn: [Throws his hands up in dispair] Augh!

[The group walk past a demonstration headed by gdorf. They stop and listen as he rants on]

gdorf: ...I mean, it's absurd! How do they expect us to enjoy summer if they won't let us use fireworks?
Crowd: Yeah!
gdorf: And I think we all know who we have to blame for this, right?
Crowd: Yeah!
gdorf: That's right! The Mexicans!
Crowd: Huh?
gdorf: Yeah, the Mexicans, who made the damned firework that blew that kid's hands off! [The crowd are silent] So you know what we should do? [More silence] We should get rid of all the Mexicans!

[The crowd disperses, mumbling to themselves about how stupid gdorf is. The gang walk on, but Darth stays still as he realizes something.]

Darth: Of course! Everything's legal in Mehico! [He runs off]

[Back to War Lord's office. Along with Breaker and SUCCESSOR, there's now a man dressed in a suit next to a flipboard, on which is a large 'DynoMight Fireworks' logo]

Suit: At the DynoMight Firework Company, we hve a commitment to excellence. Our focus is on safety while th-
War Lord: Yeah, could we skip the introduction and just get to the action please? I really can't be assed today.
Suit: Uh, Ok. [To himself] Let's see. [He turns the pages up and over. Page 1: Dyno Might Safe and Spicy. Section 1: Introduction. Section 2: Safety Features. Section 3: We Value The Customer...] Ah, right. Now the disk that we are making is approximately 5000 times bigger than the average snake.
War Lord: Mm-hmm.
Suit: We'll have to fly it in with three Comanche helicopters and lower it onto the ground at the lake.
War Lord: [Taking notes] ...Comanche helicopters...
Suit: [Flips the page] Then we'll need 57 flamethrowers, all set up around the perimeter of the disk, that are all triggered to fire at the same time.
War Lord: ...flamethrowers... same time...
Suit: [Flips the page. A giant smiling snake is shown rising out of the disk] Once lit, the snake will grow. [Flips the page, and a vaudevillian is shown] And good times will be had by all. [The others clap]
Breaker: Well, that's very impressive.
SUCCESSOR: I can't see anything going wrong with this at all.
War Lord: Well, there we go. Sorted. Thank you very much for your time.
Suit: Not at all. [He packs up the flipboard] I'll just let them know you've given it the go-ahead then?
War Lord: Absolutely. You'll be in touch?
Suit: They certainly will. Have a good afternoon. [He leaves, bumping into gdorf on his way out]
War Lord: gdorf? Get in here right now. [He does so] Damn it all, what the hell is wrong with you? Mexicans are not bad people!
gdorf: Show me ONE that's done something decent for society! Just one!
War Lord: Oh for god's sake, go see a freakin' shrink!

[Back to the gang. They're at the beach, building sandcastles out of dirt which utterly fail to stay up any longer then 10 seconds]

The Cyborg: Man, this is lame.
Pineconn: Yeah, but at least we're out of the house.
Sam Atoms: Big deal. I've got sunburn, a headache and a mouthful of dirt.
The Cyborg: ...ugh. Screw this, let's go grab something cold and sugary.
Sat Atmos: I hear that! [They abandon their dirtcastles and head for one of those stalls that sells everything at ridiculously high prices]
Pineconn: Man, these guys are always so expensive. You guys got any cash on you?
The Cyborg: No. Darth normally extorts all the stuff we need.
Pineconn: Oh yeah. I wonder where he got to.

[Cut to Darth, a contented look on his face as he cruisin' down a desert highway in a bitchin convertible, the wind in his hair and an awesome guitar riff pumping into the air as the sun sets down over the dunes to the west. It's awesome.

Back to Bitchin pond. War Lord, along with his two lackeys, is out here anxiously checking his watch and checking a pile of papers he's got attached to a clipboard]

War Lord: Dammit, where the hell is my firework?
Breaker: I'm sure it'll be here any second.
War Lord: Oh, shut up.
Breaker: [Moves his mouth, but no sound can be heard] (Yes sir).
War Lord: Very funny.

[War Lord moves to clip Breaker round the ear (actually, how do you clip someone round the ear? Is it when you hit someone on the side of the head just above the ear? 'cause that sounds like it'd hurt) when the sounds of a helicopter can be heard. He stops and looks up]

SUCCESSOR: It's the snake, sir!
War Lord: And about freakin' time, too! [It comes into view, and it's bigger then the biggest thing you could ever imagine's mother-in-law] Alright, let's get this show on the road!
SUCCESSOR: Yes sir!

[Pan over to the gang, who all have cans of differently flavoured carbonated beverages and are looking up at the snake]

Pineconn: Man, that thing is awesome!
The Cyborg: Yeah, Darth is really missing out!
Sam Atoms: [Aside to The Cyborg] I'm getting really fed up of these links - couldn't we come up with something-

[Back to Darth, who pulls up his car to a giant superstore-type building. He gets out, locks the car with a *beep*beep* and looks up at the store as the camera moves round behind him and we see what he sees. The sun is just off to the right of the building and it's giving off a beautiful lens flare, and we can just see the store's logo - Tierra Del Cohete. A subtitle reads Land of Rockets. Darth walks into the store and inside... yep, it's just like a supermarket. Shelves filled with missiles, grenades, fireworks, you name it. Darth wanders over to the Servicio De Cliente desk (Customer Service Desk) and one of the aides smiles at him]

Darth: �Bueno tarde, mi amigo! (Good evening, my friend!)
Aide: Bueno tarde. �C�mo puedo ayudarle? (Good evening. How man I help you?)
Darth: �Podr�a usted dirigirme al M80s, por favor? (Could you direct me to the M80s, please?)
Aide: Ciertamente. Est�n abajo del pasillo 17, al lado de los lanzadores portables del cohete. (Certainly. They're down Aisle 17, next to the portable rocket lauchers.)
Darth: Perfecto. Gracias. (Eh, you figure it out.) [Darth grabs a trolly and heads down into the store, a grin on his face and, presumably, a song in his heart]

[Action News 24 time!]

Anthony: Well, we're well into summer and although the fireworks ban has shut down most 911 emergency callouts, it certainly hasn't stopped one town from getting in the mood, as people from all over the place are flocking to AGN. Here with a special report is a normal-looking guy with a funny name.
Creamy Goodness: Thanks, Anthony, it looks like the firework ban won't be putting a damper on one town's festivities tonight. I'm here at Bitchin' Pond in AGN, where the crowd of residents and scores of tourists anxiously await the lighting of the largest snake in human history. [Some of the folks have picnic blankets set out] Now, as most of you will probably remember, snakes are these little round disks that you light, and they spew out a little snake of black ash. Well, the AGN snake is over half a mile in diameter, and twenty stories high. I'm told that this event won't begin until the sun goes down and night is upon us. [So it is said, so it is done] Well alrighty then, looks like we're ready.
War Lord: [Stepping up to a pre-placed microphone] Right, well we're all ready, so let's light this sucker! [Everyone cheers as various other AGN members all step forward and fire up the flamethrowers]
Crowd: Ooooo! [The snake begins to bulge] Aaaah! [War Lord is pleased with the results]
War Lord: Heh, Darth's missing a sight and a half. [War Lord looks at SUCCESSOR] Ugh. I can't believe I just said-

[Mexico, near the border at night. Darth is driving by an abandoned truck on his way to the border. He looks over the car, which is literally stuffed with enough firepower to destroy a small planet. He pulls up to the border patrol and looks him in the eye]

Darth: Evenin' all.
Agent: Evening. I just need to ask you a few questions before I can let you through.
Darth: Not a problem.
Agent: Is anyone other than you traveling in this vehicle?
Darth: Nope.
Agent: Do you have any firearms or explosives in... the... [Sees the fireworks and other assorted nuclear devices] Uh... what's that?
Darth: [Waving his hand] Coffee filters.
Agent: [Stares at Darth for a few seconds] Uh... that kinda looks like the entire arms supply for Iraq.
Darth: [Waving his hand again] Well, it's just coffee filters.
Agent: No, I'm fairly certain there's more bombs here then Ben Affleck's CV.
Darth: [Waving his hand furiously] COFFEE FILTERS.
Agent: Ok, you're coming with me.
Darth: Ah man, the one person in freakin' Mehico.
Agent: Yeah, well that's why I'm a Border patrolman and you're just a jailbird. Now get out the car and put your hands on the bonnet!
Darth: So, so weak.

[Bitchin' pond. The crowds are still cheering and the snake is still growing]

War Lord: My God, it's beautiful. It never fails to amaze me how I manage to overcome adversity. [The snake is still growing, and War Lord gets a little concerned] Hey, when does that thing die out?
Suit: Die out?
War Lord: Yeah. You know, expire, end. [The suit just stands there] Hello, I'm asking you when it stops!
Suit: Umm. I'm... not sure. We never made one this big. I guess we didn't quite think this thing through, did we?
War Lord: What?! [The snake is now a pillar, rising into the sky]
Sam Atoms: Man, that thing is huge!
Pineconn: Yeah, I think they need to shut it off already.

[The crowd is now alarmed as well as awed. Grumbles are heard and people start packing up their picnics. A piece of the ashen snake breaks off and the main pillar lies down and starts moving through the crowd]

War Lord: Oh my God! [He grabs the suit] Tell me how much longer this thing is gonna last!
Suit: [Counting on his fingers] Ok, let's see... At normal speed, a snake lasts three minutes, so times that by... carry the three... divide by zero...
War Lord: HOW LONG?
Suit: Uhh... November. Of next year.
War Lord: ...oh.

...continued...

[Super Sexy Action News 24!]

Creamy Goodness: Well, we're coming up on nine hours, and the giant snake of AGN shows no signs of stopping. Residents have tried everything from firehoses to yelling at it to make the snake stop. But nothing seems to work.
Anthony: Thanks, Creamy. Police are advising all citizens to stay indoors, not breathe the ashen air, and to not ever light any giant snakes in the near future.

[The snake is now some thirty feet wide and moving down AGN's main thoroughfare, incinerating everything in its path. You'd think this'd look pretty cool, but it really, really doesn't]

The Cyborg: Well this sucks. Can't even go down to the pond anymore.
Pineconn: Screw that, we gotta stop this thing! It's gonna demolish the whole state if we don't!
Sam Atoms: Well what the hell are we gonna do?
Pineconn: What we always do - ask Darth.
The Cyborg: Oh yeah. Give him a call, he'll know what to do. [Aside to Sam Atoms] Well that one wasn't so-

[Cut to Darth, lying down on a bench, whistling a merry ditty to himself. Zoom out to reveal he's in a prison. His phone starts ringing and he answers it]

Darth: Darth Marsden, Dark Lord of the Sith, what can I kill for you today? [A high-pitched voice comes from the phone] Giant snake? What giant snake? [Whiny voice] Well why the hell would you do that? It's obviously gonna grow a massive line of black ash that'll destroy everything in its path, I mean honestly! [Whine whine whine] Well yeah, but it's just such a dull way of killing everyone, you know? No fun. [A whining we will go] You want me to... oh no, you got yourselves into this mess, you deal with it. Seriously, how could you not think of the ash? [Whiner, it's the code word...] Ok, hanging up now... you have fun now. [He hangs up the phone and tucks it back into his coat. The prison guard comes by and looks in on him]
Guard: Do you have a phone on you?
Darth: [Waving his arm] Yes. [The guard looks at him, shakes his head and walks away. Darth resumes his whistling]

Sam Atoms: [Watching Pineconn put his phone away] So, what'd he say?
Pineconn: Yeah, we're on our own with this one.
The Cyborg: Ah man, weak!

[Super Sexy Not In Any Way Topless Action News 24!]

Anthony: All over the forums, the effects of the giant ash snake of AGN can be seen. [On a map of some random blob of a 'country' behind him, the snake is shown having separated into four snakes. The first has gone through the Northwest. The second has gone into the Great Plains and is headed for the East Coast. The third has gone down into the South, and the fourth has gone through the Southwest]

[Meanwhile, in Utah, Mormons are gathered at a river to welcome new members into the Church. Baptism, you know]

Preacher: Yea, let the Spirit of Heavenly Father be blessed upon you. [He dunks the catechumen into the river]
Assistant: From this day on, all will be well. [The new member pops up]
New Mormon: I already feel like things are getting better. [The snake comes and engulfs them all]
All: Aaaaa-[Oh, well, never mind. Let's check in with New York!]

gdorf: ...and it's not as if I actively hate all Mexicans... [We fade in and see gdorf lying on a psychiatrist's couch. Well, it was only a matter of time] ...it's just that I don't see them contributing anything to society and it makes me wonder... what's the point of having them here if they don't do anything useful?
Psychiatrist: Ok, well that's one way of looking at it.
gdorf: No, that's how I see it. Christ you're irritating.
Psychiatrist: Now it's best if we don't insult each other during these sessions.
gdorf: Eh, whatever.
Psychiatrist: So tell me, when did you first start feeling this way?
gdorf: ...when I realized that Mexicans in this country aren't doing anything but lying around and collecting benefits. It's not like I have an irrational hatred of Mexicans, I can back everything up with facts and figures.
Psychiatrist: Alright, but let's say we put those aside for the moment and get to the real issue of what you're feeling.
gdorf: I'VE JUST TOLD YOU THAT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!
Psychiatrist: Now anger is a perfectly normal emotion, don't be afraid to let it out.
gdorf: Yeah? Well you're an utter waste of a human being. You've repeatedly ignored everything I've told you and constantly tried to find some vital defect in me that simply doesn't exist. You are a sad, lonely, pathetic shell of a man who has nothing better to do then overanalyze his patients in a hopeless attempt to find some real connection with someone. You're a hollow, empty figure of a person who should pack everything in and move to Hawaii so you might actually get laid once in a while, 'acuse I bet that'd straighten you up good.

[The psychiatrist looks hugely insulted. Snake Two bounds over several buildings, knocking them off their foundations. It smashes through the psychiatrist's window and pins him]

Psychiatrist: AaaaAAaaAaaaAagh! [His eyebrows burn off, then the rest of him burns up. The snake does not touch the sofa]
gdorf: [Stands up and points at the remains] Serves you right, you idiot.

[Back in Darth's prison cell. Another prisoner has been placed inside his cell, and he's banging at the bars, crying and screaming]

Prisoner: For the love of god, take me back to my own cell!
Darth: I warned you not to cross into my half, but oh no, you just had to see what made the others so damned curious, didn't you. Well, now you know. Happy?
[Snake Three makes its way to the prison and suddenly smashes through the wall of the cell, incinerating the prisoner. Darth jumps up, surprised] ...oh for the love of... haven't they stopped this thing yet?

[Super Sexy Not In Any Way Topless Or Featuring Any Actual Sexual Activity Of Any Kind Action News 24!]

Anthony: [On loaction once more, outside the AGN Cafe] As more and more forums are affected by the growing ash and the death toll rises to 3000, [A tree inexplicably falls over] people from all over the 'country' are looking to the ruler of AGN for answers. [The Cafe's door open and War Lord step forward] And it appears as if the man himself is going to explain matters now.
War Lord: [B][Stepping forward to a prepared microphone] Ahem. I have a statement here which I will now read. [He gets out a piece of paper and looksat it for a few seconds] 'I'm sorry. Our bad.' [He puts the paper away] Thank you, that is all. [He turns and heads back inside the Cafe]

[Back at Bitchin' Pond, the guys are all sitting under the shade of the ash playing cards]

Sam Atoms: How many days left in summer?
Pineconn: A lot.
The Cyborg: Man, this sucks. Summer totally sucks ass.
Pineconn: Like it matters. This thing [He points at the snake] will probably kill us long before summer ends.
Sam Atoms: Fingers crossed. [Darth's convertible pulls up]
Darth: Word up, bitches. [He gets out] What's goin' on?
The Cyborg: Nothin'. Just waiting for the inevitable slow agonizing death that comes from being so retarded that we build a giant snake and let it destory half the world.
Darth: Yeah. [He looks up at the snake] Still can't believe you did that. Still, if we're all gonna burn, might as well have some fun before we go. [He pulls out the car key and pops open the trunk] Who's for more explosives then a Michael Bay film? [Fireworks practically fall out of the car]
Pineconn: Seriously? Sweet! [They all run over, grab a bunch of stuff and set it off]
The Cyborg: [Watching the rockets go off] Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout!

[Gradually all the rockets head for the snake. Upon impact, the snake falls apart, and the base of it loses its fire. Ash now rains down upon everyone]

Sam Atoms: Hey, look!
Darth: Heh. Honey, we blew up the snake. [A crowd starts to gather]
Random Man: They put out the snake! Yeah!
War Lord: [Suddenly appearing] Uh, yeah, it-it looks like my plan to, uh blow up the snake worked perfectly!
Darth: ...you're so full of crap, Lord.
The Cyborg: Hey... it's snowing. [And so it is... kinda]
Pineconn: It's snowing black ash. ...ah, what the hell. Ashball fight!

[Everyone starts playing in the ash. Soon there's guys sledding down mounds of ash, people building ashmen, the mods are having an ashball fight and everyone is covered in the stuff. It's a riot, and it feels strangely familiar...]

The Cyborg: Winter's back! [He gets thwaked by an ashball by Darth]
Darth: Boo-ya!

As usual... most wonderful job Darthy 😊 Sorry I'm late responding... we picked up Pauls best friend from college at the airport last night. He'll be here for 2 weeks. I promise I read it hon. Thank you very much for all your effort.

Outside, the guys are all running around in t-shirts and shorts, while the ladies have stripped down to bikinis and stupidly over-sized sunglasses that look ridiculous and I hate them oh god I hate them why do people keep buying them when they look so stupid augh life sucks but I digress 'cause they're all wearing them and there's nothing I can do to change that.

If I had been drinking something at the moment I read this, I would have likely covered my computer moniter with several fluid ounces of Coke due to the spontaneous fit of laughter this sentence has brought forth. And, it's a completely true statement. 😃

Darth! Excellent (as always) chapter! I have no idea what to type here anymore!

If I had been drinking something at the moment I read this, I would have likely covered my computer moniter with several fluid ounces of Coke due to the spontaneous fit of laughter this sentence has brought forth. And, it's a completely true statement. 😃

If I had been drinking something at the moment I read this, I would have likely covered my computer moniter with several fluid ounces of Coke due to the spontaneous fit of laughter this sentence has brought forth. And, it's a completely true statement. 😃

You know what your next project should be Darth?

AGN: Bigger, Longer, and Unmoderated!

Are you insane? That'd take a solid week's worth of work! Like I could stay the course that long. Besides, I kinda have my eye on a couple of other SP episodes first.

Maybe after them though. But no promises!

Encore! Encore!

:rude: