That was good.
Where's the next one?😃
Gather around, bitches.
Darthy, keep those going. I think I've almost died laughing. Almost. :kitty:
mrz84 wrote:Darthy, keep those going. I think I've almost died laughing. Almost. :kitty:
Hmmm... Darthy, dear, honey, sweetie... looks like my nick for you stuck 😉 <smirk>
*kiss*
Dang, nice parody of Monty Python, there at the end. 😃 I would have laughed so much harder if I hadn't already seen it.
But, dang. I want this to go on the big screen! 
Glad you guys liked it so much. I can't think of any more at the moment, but I'll start another one when I do.
EDIT: Ha!
[Town, day. Darth Marsden, Aegix Dragon, Breaker and Cloral are walking down the street. Darth is reading one of those '1001 things you never knew' books]
Darth: Hey guys, did you know that you crap your pants when you die?
Breaker: What?
Darth: Yeah, it says here that when you die your bowels release and you basically crap yourself. Gross, huh?
Cloral: That's stupid and you know it.
Darth: It says it right here! [He places the book in front of Cloral, who shoves it away] Bet you 5 bucks it's true.
Cloral: No way, man. You still owe me 10 from the last bet you made.
[CUT TO the AGN cafe. Darth and Cloral are standing next to the Pool table, watching Daarkseid and Riverman play a game. Darth turns to Cloral.]
Darth: Bet you 10 bucks Daarkseid wins.
[Cut back to the street.]
Darth: You only won that 'cause you whacked Daarkseid over the head with a Pool Cue!
Starkist: [Running past] Hey everybody, it's time! It's time!
Aegix Dragon: Time for what?
Starkist: Get to where General Bitching used to be! It's about to happen!
[The gang look at each other and shrug their shoulders. They all follow Starkist over to where General Bitching used to be. There's some sort of building, but we can't see what it is. There's a large crowd around the place, with an official looking man addressing them.]
Official: People of AGN, I am pleased to be with you on this most historic day. A day you were certainly all remember... as the day your town... became great. The grand opening of the first AGN... WALL*MART!
[The camera zooms out to show the full scope of the store - it's massive. Everyone applauds and cheers]
erm2003: It's so... big!
Saffith: It's like we're a real town now. [The group finally arrive]
Darth: Finally, somewhere to pick up cheap Root Beer!
Cloral: Wait... isn't this where Bitchin' Pond used to be? Where we went swimming in the summer and stuff?
phanttonez: Yeah, but now it's a Wall*Mart!
Official: I know that with the opening of the AGN branch of Wall*Mart, you will all see your town completely change... Now shop friends, shop!
[The doors open and everyone streams in. Inside they find a spacious store, filled with almost everything you could imagine.]
gdorf: [Falling to his knees] It's beautiful!
[Cut to various shots of people grabbing various things - salt and peppers shakers, plastic plates, TV sets, blow-up dolls (Quagmire grabs one and runs off shot), and, finally, DVDs, where the gang is at. Darth is using the force to levitate about a dozen cases of Root Beer behind him, while Cloral has a basket full of groceries.]
Breaker: Check it out, guys! Time Cop on DVD. Three copies for eighteen bucks!
Aegix Dragon: Why the hell would you want three copies of the same movie?
Breaker: Because one copy is nine ninety-eight! But this way you save like twenty bucks!
Aegix Dragon: You only need one copy, artard!
Breaker: Okay, fine. YOU go ahead and buy one copy for nine ninety-eight!
Aegix Dragon: Okay, fine, I will! [He grabs a copy] Hey, wait a minute! I don't even want ONE copy of Time Cop! [He puts it back]
Breaker: ...neither do I. [Puts the three-pack back] What's this place doing to us?
[CUT TO an office window which looks over the store. The offical is in there, an evil look on his face.]
Official: Fools. Ignorant fools.
[Breaker's house, that night. Breaker is dreaming, and is tossing and turning, reacting to his dreams. We hear what he hears - whispered voices saying things like Six Ninety-Nine, Fifteen Dollars, Twelve Fifty, etc. With a start, Breaker wakes. He looks at the window, then crawl out of bed and stands before it. We can see the Wall*Mart, all glowing, like a beacon. He nods. CUT TO the Wall*Mart store. Breaker, in a dressing gown, enters, only to find more shoppers in there. Wall*Mart never closes, and it's never empty. A helper welcomes him, and this snaps him out of the trance. He realises where he is, panics and runs back out again.]
Y'know, this reminds me of this thing we had in a forum that I went to a few years ago. It was a fic just like this, using the names of the members, and everyone could join in and add to the story. It was pretty fun.
Pero... ¡Gran novela! ¡Yo lo adoro! Es demasiado malo que tiene que terminar... Creo que sabemos quién ganará.
...a sort of quest, y'mean? I had one of those in my old forum as well. I used to visit it during school and find that no-one had updated it, and I'd get irritated. This is much more fun.
[The next morning, the gang are walking towards downtown.]
Cloral: Look, would you mind explaining why we're going to Jim's Drugs to buy paracetamol when Wall*Mart has them for half the price?
Breaker: I... I can't deal with Wall*Mart right now. There's eomething... wrong with that place. [/B][They pass by Riverman, closing up his shop for the last time][/B]
Riverman: Oh, hey guys. Hope you didn't wanna buy anything, I'm going out of business.
Breaker: What? Why, Riverman?
Riverman: Well, I can't compete with Wall*Mart's low prices. Everyone's shopping there now, and... well, I can't make ends meet. [Darth pulls out a violin from his leather coat and starts playing it] I've got to sell the store and try to find some other line of work.
Breaker: [Glares at Darth] Knock it off, man!
Darth: What? Just felt like playing a little violin, is all.
Riverman: Look, I appreciate your business guys, but you'll just have to try somewhere else in town. Sorry. [He locks the door and walks away, sullen.]
Breaker: Damn, that sucks! He's had that store forever!
Cloral: That's called progress, Breaker.
Breaker: Yeah, but what about all the people getting laid off from the grocery stores? [Darth whips out the violin and starts playing it again] And what about all the- [Looks at Darth, takes away his violin, and smashes it on the ground]
Darth: Well, that was 5 bucks well spent.
Aegix Dragon: Come on, let's go to Main Street and support one of those stores.
[Downtown, later. The guys arrive at Main Street and are startled by what they see. Before them is a downtown that is shuttered and decayed. The asphalt is gone from the roads and eagles hover over the area. A window crashing makes them jump, and Mottzilla appears around a corner, making weird noises.]
Breaker: Mottzilla? What the hell are you doing?
Mottzilla: Huh? Oh, I'm just playing monster. It's pretty weird out here, thought I'd have some fun.
Darth: Yeah. It's even better if you can get a monster truck and just drive it up and down the streets. Monster mash! [He puts both hands in the air in that weird way with only the little and the index fingers up. The others just look at him, and he puts his hands back down] What? It's fun.
Aegix Dragon: We'd better tell the others what's happening down here.
[The AGN Cafe. The gang walk in only to find the place filled with items from Wall*Mart.]
Cloral: Hello? Anyone?
[A wail is heard from behind the stuff. Darth climbs over and finds Moocow lying against a box of crackers. Her face is covered with what look like glittery sores.]
Moocow: Darth? Is that... you?
Darth: Yeah, it's me. Guys, get over here!
Breaker: [Climbing over] Moocow? Jesus, what happened? Are you okay?
Moocow: Yeah... I'm just... really really tired. I... was shopping at Wall*Mart all night...
Aegix Dragon: But... your face!
Moocow: Checkout line... They had these... little stickers filled with glitter! They were only ninety nine cents for 15 of them. I couldn't resist! Do you want one? [She takes one and sticks it onto Darth's nose] It's a... turtle... [She falls over, asleep]
[Some time later, still in the AGN cafe. Most of the members are crammed in, and War Lord is addressing them all.]
War Lord: Ok. I think we're all agreed here that this has gone far enough, right?
Crowd: Yeah!
War Lord: Wall*Mart is destroying this place. You've seen the old hangouts - gone to dust because we never went there anymore.
Crowd: Damn straight!
War Lord: And to make matters worse, Mottzilla reports that Script Kiddies are starting to move in!
Crowd: What? Oh my God!
War Lord: Now I'm gonna march over to that store and demand that they leave! Are you with me?
Crowd: Yeah!
[War Lord walks out the door and everyone follows him. CUT TO the Wall*Mart store. War Lord is outside, and he turns to the group. The crowd, now carrying torches and pitchforks, look back at him. War Lord shakes his head.]
War Lord: God dammit, how many times do I have to tell you - we are not a mob!
[Various 'sorrys' are heard as the torches are extinguished and the pitchforks are passed to the side. Once done, they march into the store. In his office, the official, now store manager, reaches into his desk drawer and pulls out a bottle of liquor. He takes two sips and quickly hides it when he hears a knock at his door.]
Manager: Come in? [The crowd enter] Oh, hello fine shoppers. What can I do for you?
War Lord: Look. It's nothing personal, but we've decided we don't want your Wall*Mart here anymore.
Drunken Tiger: Yeah. it seems our old haunts is dying and good people are losing their jobs. We'd all like you... out of AGN.
Manager: Well... [He begins to cackle nervously] What? What, you think I want to be here? I hate this place. But it... won't let me leave.
mrz84: But you run the Wall*Mart.
Manager: Oh no! No no no! [He rises from his chair and moves towards the group] Wall*Mart... isn't run by anybody! First it reels you in with its bargains. Next thing you know you, you're workingbe at the Wall*Mart because it has all the jobs. Then you're sitting in a little office, trapped on all sides! Oh God!
Breaker: So why don't you just quit?
Manager: [Whispering loudly] Not so loud! It can hear you!
Breaker: You hate Wall*Mart too?
Manager: ACK! I didn't say that! I love Wall*Mart! With all its... fantastic bargains and one-stop shopping, who can't love it, right? [He turns around and grabs some papers] Uh, Wa-Wall*Mart takes the hassle out of shopping and, and makes it both affordable and fun. [He writes as he talks, then shows the group what he wrote: "NOT SAFE TO TALK HERE."] Ah- and Wall*Mart really gives back to the community! Us people are certainly happy to have a store like Wall*Mart, aren't we? [Writes some more and shows the group a second sheet: "MEET ME OUT BACK IN 5 MINS." He grimaces and tries to hint at them. The group leaves.]
erm2003: Hey, wait a minute, I think we just got screwed over.
Saffith: Yeah. That guy probably thinks he can get us to go away by being so goofy!
[Saffith circles his finger round his ear to indicate insanity. Seconds later the manager screams and flies out the window, only to end up hanging himself. The group looks on as the manager's pants drop off and poo follows shortly]
Darth: Ha! Told ya.
Cloral: God dammit.
...more to come...
LMFAO! Keep em coming. I haven't read through a thread like this in quite a long time.
No Stopping, Ever.
...I have been commanded!
[The AGN cafe, late evening. Aegix Dragon, Breaker and Cloral are sitting round a table while Darth is off in a corner, reading his book. Dechipher come in carrying three steaks and places them on the table.]
Cloral: [Sighs] I remember when we could afford to buy six steaks when we shopped at Wall*Mart.
Breaker: Yeah, but everyone agreed not to shop at Wall*Mart anymore.
Cloral: Gah! I know already! Leave me alone!
[The group starts eating their steaks. Very slowly. They're obviously used to having more than this. Aegix Dragon cuts his in half, then puts the halves on opposite sides of his plate before starting on one of them. While Cloral is trying to cut his, he slips and knocks his drink off the table. It hits the floor and breaks.]
Cloral: Oh Jesus, a broken glass! Well, I don't see any choice now! We have to go to Wall*Mart!
Darth: [Looks over] We do?
Cloral: Well where else are we gonna get a new glass at this hour?! Everyone get your coats on, we're goin' to Wall*Mart!
Dechipher: Actually, it's Ok, we've plenty more-
Cloral: Dammit, one person buying one glass isn't gonna make a difference! Now c'mon!
[CUT TO the Wall*Mart. The four arrive and see that the store is full of people. Cloral looks on in disbelief.]
Cloral: What the... [Moocow walks nearby] Moocow, what the hell are you doing? We said we weren't going to shop at the Wall*Mart anymore!
Moocow: Well where else was I gonna get a napkin dispenser at nine thirty at night?
Cloral: [Recognising others] Daarkseid! Drunken Tiger! Starkist! Now, come on people! What the hell is wrong with you?! Don't you see what you're all doing?!
phattonez:Well what are you doing here, Cloral?
Cloral: ...I came because I wanted to make sure nobody was shopping here.
Breaker: Dammit Cloral!
Cloral: Oh all right... eh, maybe I was gonna buy a glass. One glass! ... and some chips... And butter. [He pulls out a shopping list] And some new pliers.
Glenn the Great: Jesus! Look at us! We all don't like the Wall*Mart, but we can't stop coming here.
Anthony: It's like some mystical evil force.
Cloral: Yeah! This place has a power over us we can't resist! We have to find a way to put the South Park Wall*Mart out of business once and for all!
goKi: Let's burn it down!
The Cyborg:No no no, let's freeze it.
Jennifer: I think it's best we try to reason with it.
Breaker: No! All we have to do is not shop at Wall*Mart anymore! If you want it to go away, all it takes is a little self-control and personal responsibility.
[10 minutes later, the Wall*Mart is on fire and the shoppers are watching it burn from the outside. They all hold hands and start singing Kumbaya. CUT TO the guys walking down the road the next day]
Cloral: Well, good going, man. You just had to go and ruin everything, didn't you?
Breaker: Me? [Looks at Cloral] It wasn't MY idea to burn the Wall*Mart down.
Cloral: No, but YOU got everyone all worked up! You're jealous of the Wall*Mart. You always hated it.
Breaker: Look, this place is going to be better without the- [Breaker suddenly realizes that he can hear sounds of construction. He turns to look] What the hell?
[The gang rush onward and see the the Wall*Mart has been completely rebuilt. Dashing inside, they see that everything's running as if nothing had happened the night before. Breaker sees Vel and runs over to her.]
Breaker: What the hell is this? Why are you shopping here?
Vel: We can't destroy it. We just... have to learn to live with it.
Voice from behind:Can I help you?
[The guys turn round to see who's speaking to them and are shocked to see that it's War Lord, all dressed up in Wall*Mart employee clothing and complete with one of those irritating badges that says 'Hello My name is WAR LORD']
Aegix Dragon: War Lord? What are you doing?!
War Lord: You get a discount working here. Ten percent. That means the bargains are even better.
Darth: But you're a rapper!
War Lord: Yeah, they don't discriminate against us here.
Breaker: Wait - what?
War Lord: I'll make less money, sure, but... as long as I buy everything at Wall-Mart, it'll all even out. Don't you see? Wall*Mart isn't our enemy, it's our neighborhood friend. [As he says this, he gets out a pad of paper and writes on it. He shows it to the group - it reads 'Break in 5 minutes. Meet me outside'. The gang nod and walk back to the entrance, where they see a driver lifting I-beams into place with his crane]
Breaker: Hey! HEY! [The driver looks at him] Who the hell told you to put this thing back up?!
Driver: Sorry kid, we've got orders from corporate headquarters.
Breaker: But nobody wants a Wall*Mart here!
Driver: Well, you're gonna have to talk to the higher-ups about that. My hands are tied.
Aegix Dragon: Where are they?
Driver: Bentonville, Arkansas. That's where Wall*Mart started, that's where all the bigwigs are. [He drives away as War Lord emerges, presumably on his break.]
War Lord: Hey guys.
Breaker: War Lord! We've got to stop this!
War Lord: Look, I'm with you. I hate it here, but I just couldn't resist, y'know?
Darth: ...not really.
War Lord: ...huh. Whatever, that's not the worst of it. Y'know those script kiddies I mentioned?
Aegix Dragon: Yeah?
War Lord: Mottzilla's doing recon at the moment, but the last report I got from him indicated there were almost a hundered of them in the old hangouts.
Darth: Jesus Christ! That many?
War Lord: I last heard from him 2 days ago... it's probably twice that, if not more.
Aegix Dragon: Holy crap! What the hell are we gonna do?
Breaker: Ok. We need to stop Wall*Mart AND we need to get rid of these script kiddies. We're gonna need to split up. Me, Aegix Dragon and Cloral will go to Bentonville and try to shut down Wall*Mart. Darth, you think you can handle the script kiddies?
Darth: Hell yeah!
Breaker: Alright. Then let's get going. We'll see you later Darth. Good hunting.
[War Lord goes back inside the store and Darth heads off towards the old haunts where the script kiddies now reside while the others head over to the bus station. Suddenly Cloral freezes in place.]
Cloral: Whoa, Pixie Sticks, twenty-nine cents? [He starts to hears sounds] Wall*Mart? ...Are you speaking to me? ...My friends? ...Trying to hurt you again? [Frowns in anger] Yes, Wall*Mart. I understand. [With a look of determination, he follows after the others]
...bum-bum-bummmmmm! More soon...
Darthy dear... you ROCK!! 😊
<hug>
Isn't this essentially the exact same thing as the "Saga of AGN" that I made years and years ago? I only got around to doing one chapter, and it probably sucked, but I just now tried looking for it and I can't seem to locate it anywhere, which kind of blows...
Well, I wasn't a member way back when, so I'd have no input in this. But otherwise, I can't stop busting out and laughing.
Darth Marsden wrote:Oh all right... eh, maybe I was gonna buy a glass. One glass! ... and some chips... And butter. [He pulls out a shopping list] And some new pliers.
Soooo great. :lol:
Sorry guys, you're gonna have to wait a bit for the next 'hilarious' chapter. I'd typed it all up, but then Firefox screwed up and I lost everything, so I've completely lost focus. I'll have another bash in a couple of hours after I've done some chores and had some lunch. Have no fear, I will finish it... honest!
And AlexMax - if you were thinking of doing another such quest, I'd quite happily join in. They were fun, provided people didn't screw around.
Darth Marsden wrote:Sorry guys, you're gonna have to wait a bit for the next 'hilarious' chapter. I'd typed it all up, but then Firefox screwed up and I lost everything, so I've completely lost focus. I'll have another bash in a couple of hours after I've done some chores and had some lunch. Have no fear, I will finish it... honest!And AlexMax - if you were thinking of doing another such quest, I'd quite happily join in. They were fun, provided people didn't screw around.
Are you using the latest version of firefox? If so they make an extension that restores your session if it crashes on you.
1.5.0.11, and I'm getting pop-ups. I'm upgrading to the latest version as I speak. Well, type.
EDIT: Done. Having fun with new themes now. Anyway! Onwards and downwards...
[A bus drives past a big sign which says 'Welcome to Bentonville, Home of Wall*Mart' before pulling up to a bus station, where the guys get off]
Aegix Dragon: Damm, that was a long 9 hours.
Breaker: It wouldn't have taken so long if the tires hadn't been slashed.
Cloral: I know! Wasn't it weird how both tires were slashed like that? We must have been really unlucky, huh?
[Breaker stares at Cloral, who puts on an innocent face. He shakes his head and starts walking towards a building marked as 'Wall*Mart Corporate headquarters']
Breaker: ...whatever. C'mon, let's get that store shut down.
[CUT TO inside the Corporate Headquarters. A cavernous warehouse opens up before them, with busy workers moving boxes and such forth. The guys stare at this as a receptionist come to greets them]
Receptionist: Hey guys. Can I help you?
Breaker: Yeah. We've come to complain. We don't want a Wall*Mart in our town.
Receptionist: Who does? Nobody likes what the Wall*Mart does, but it keeps... right on doing it. God help us...
Breaker: We want to talk to who's in charge.
Receptionist: In charge? Well, I guess that would be Harvey Brown. He's the current president of Wall*Mart. One of the original creators.
Aegix Dragon: Where's he?
[Cut to a shot of an ashtray. A hand rubs spent cigarette butts into it. The camera pulls out to reveal the president of Wall*Mart sitting at a bar with the guys standing behind him. There's several empty glasses next to the president, and a pair of scrumpled up cigarette packets]
Harvey Brown: We... invented the Wall*Mart Super Center in 1987. The idea was simple: build a store for one-stop shopping where bulk purchases could keep prices incredibly low. [Defeated, he buries his face in his left hand] We didn't know what we were doing. In just four years, it was out of control.
Breaker: So how do we stop it?
Harvey Brown: [He raises his head] You don't stop it. You can't.
Breaker: There has to be a way!
Harvey Brown: There's nothing! Don't you understand?! Nothing can stop the Wall*Mart in your town! ...Unless...of course, you can find and destroy its heart.
Cloral: Heart of Wall*Mart? Okay, I think this guy's had one too many.
Breaker: ...whaddya mean, heart of Wall*Mart?
Harvey Brown: Every Wall*Mart has a heart, somewhere near the television department. Destroy the heart and you could reverse the entire process!
Cloral: Ok, shut up now, alright?
Aegix Dragon: [To Cloral] Shush! [To Harvey] Why don't you guys just destroy the heart?
Harvey Brown: You think we didn't try? The Wall*Mart stops you. Plenty of people have tried - Union leaders, nature activists, even the best fair-trade lawyers tried to stop the Wall*Mart and now? They are Wall*Mart shoppers all.
Breaker: All right. Come on you guys, we'd better get back. It's not as if we've got any other solutions, right? [They all turn and start to leave]
Harvey Brown: [Shaking his head] It won't work, don't you understand?! It isn't gonna stop until there's nothing but Wall*Mart left! Jesus, what did we do?? WHAT DID WE DO?? [The guys are at the doors, about to leave. Mr. Brown spins around on his stool] Guys! [They turn and see him take a gun to his head] Tell the world... Im sorry!
Aegix Dragon: Jesus, don't do it!
[Mr. Brown shoots himself through the temple and falls over on his left side, dead. Seconds later he craps through his pants, leaving a hole in them and a falled bar stool nearby. A few moments of shock pass, and then Cloral's mobile phone starts ringing. He answers it]
Darth: Ha! Told you. [He hangs up]
Cloral: ...how the hell does he do that?
Breaker: He's a Sith Lord, he can do all sorts of weird stuff.
Aegix Dragon: I wonder how he's doing with those script kiddies?
[CUT TO Darth being forced down a dark, dirty corridor by a bunch of script kiddies armed with M4s. His hands are tied behind his back and his right shoulder, the one he injured during my last 'epic', is stained with blood. Darth is not best pleased as the events that have led him here.]
Darth: If I hadn't made that phone call, you'd all be soooooo dead.
Script Kiddie: 5hut up! 0ur l33t hax0r p0w3r5 hav3 l3d u5 t0 v1ct0ry! Y00 sha11 pay f0r y0ur cr1m3s!
[Darth is led into what used to be a great hall that has fallen into disrepear. Mottzilla is chained to the wall, but when he sees Darth he manages to raise his head and smily weakly. Darth smiles back before being led onward to a computer chair placed upon a table. One of the script kiddies hits him in the back of the legs with his gun and Darth falls onto his knees painfully. He looks up as the chair spins round, revealing LightningZ, wearing some rubbish papier mache crown and a stained 'l33t hax0r' t-shirt. He stands up.]
LightningZ: Ah, 50 thi5 i5 th3 a55h0l3 wh0 ha5 b33n f0rcing u5 t0 r3turn t0 0ur pr3vi0u5 5av3 p0int5!
Darth: If you're gonna talk to me, at least do it in English, you moron.
LightningZ: 5IL3NC3! Y0u wi11 n0t disr35p3ct m3 in my n3w w0rld!
Darth: Oh for the love of...
LightningZ: Y0u 5ha11 pay f0r y0ur crim35!
Darth: God, shut up, you're giving me a headache... [Darth suddenly gets an idea and closes his eyes]
LightningZ: Th3r3 hav3 b33n t00 many r35tart5 b3cau53 0f y00! I hav3 d3vi53d a m05t appr0piat3 t0rtur3 f0r y00, my fri3nd, a m05t appr0piat3... [LightningZ stops in mid-sentance and puts one hand to his head] 0w! what... what i5 thi5? What i5 in my h3ad? [He clutches at his head with both hands in agony] Augh! Mak3 th3 pain g0 away! G3t it 0ut 0f my...
[Before he can finish his sentance, his head quite literally explodes. Brain matter and blood fly all over the room. The script kiddies panic and start running around as Darth finally opens his eyes. Seizing the opportunity, he runs over to where Mottzilla is.]
Darth: You alright?
Mottzilla: I'm surviving. What happened to your arm?
Darth: One of the little buggers whacked me in the shoulder with their rifle... managed to clip me right at the joint. It's gonna hurt for weeks... C'mon, let's get out of here. [Darth tears the binding holding his wrists together apart. Seeing Mottzilla's puzzled look, he smiles] Script kiddies. Can't do anything right to save their lives. Try it. [Mottzilla does, and finds that the chains aren't even locked.]
Mottzilla: Amateurs. I've got a ride out back - let's go.
[The pair run out of the building, and Darth sees that Mottzilla's ride is a Monster Truck.]
Darth: Sweet!
Mottzilla: What can I say? You were right. Now let's go!
...this exciting epic continues soon...
Darth Marsden wrote:1.5.0.11, and I'm getting pop-ups. I'm upgrading to the latest version as I speak. Well, type.
Session manager..
biggiy05 wrote:Session manager..
Much obliged.
I began wheezing, I was laughing so much. "Darth: Ha! Told you."
This is too excellent. I'm sorry that your "story" is so good that you are pretty much forced to post a few a day. :blah:
...who's forced? I want to do it! And surely it would be 'stories'...
[Darth climbers onto the back of the truck while Mottzilla gets in the drivers seat. He turns the key and the engine stutters. He does this a few times as Darth grows impatient.]
Darth: C'mon! They're gonna be after us any minute!
Mottzilla: The damn thing won't start!
Darth: ...how's the gas?
Mottzilla: [He checks. It's on empty] Oops.
Darth: Dammit Mottzilla!
Mottzilla: I've been a little busy, Ok? Gas wasn't exactly the first thing on my mind at the time!
Darth: Honestly... you got any more?
Mottzilla: There should be a spare can round the back...
Darth: [Checks, he sees it] Yeah, it's there. [He sees script kiddies coming from the building] Great, that's ALL we need. I'll buy us some time. Get that thing fueled up!
[Darth jumps down from the back of the monster truck and moves to thrust his right arm out before grabbing it in pain. Remembering, he instead reaches out with his left hand and his lightsaber flies down from on to off a lamppost into his hand. He ignites it and starts slashing at the script kiddies who come pouring out of the back door. Meanwhile, Mottzilla reaches for the gas can, grabs it and fills up the gas tank. Finishing, he throws the can to the ground, shoves the gas cap back in and heads back into the drivers seat.]
Mottzilla: Darth! Let's go!
Darth: [Mumbling to himself] About bloody time. [He runs back to the truck and jumps onto the back] Floor it!
[Mottzilla does. The truck flies forward and Darth whoops like a redneck as they fly down the street. A few blocks down however, several script kiddies appear riding quad bikes and start chasing them
Darth: Dammit, we got company! You got any weapons on this thing?
Mottzilla: Sorry, they cost extra!
Darth: Figures. [He flings his saber backwards and it spins straight into one of the bikes, slicing off it's front wheels. It flips forwards and sends the driver straight into the tarmac as the saber returns to Darth] Can you go any faster?
Mottzilla: We're at top speed! That a problem?
Darth: No, just checking. [Darth repeats the process, but the quad bike swerves out of the way. The driver starts firing his gun at the monster truck] Dammit, they're actually learning!
Mottzilla: You're kidding!
Darth: Wish I were! Hard brake! [Mottzilla does just that. The quad bike rams straight into the back of the monster truck and the driver's gun flies straight into Darth's hand] Thank you. [To Mottzilla] Full throttle, if you would!
Mottzilla: Gotcha.
[Darth blasts one of the other quad bikes with the gun and it swerves into a lamppost. The driver goes flying]
Script Kiddie: 533? I hav3 u53d my aw350m3 hax t0 3nabl3 flying m0d3!
[He promptly smacks into another lamppost. Darth check the gun's clip - three bullets. He carefully takes aim and fires at another quad bike. The front right tire goes and the driver struggles to keep it straight. While it's turned slightly, Darth shoots the left rear tire out and the quad bike goes flying. He then turns to the last two quads and casually shoots at one of the drivers. Go into Slow Motion as we follow the bullet straight into the middle of the driver's head. He falls off the bike and it slows to a halt. The gun empty, Darth throws it at the remaining driver. It hits him square in the face, and he veers into another building, where it explodes. Darth grins maniacally as he turns round and faces forward]
Darth: That's the last of them.
Mottzilla: You sure?
[Mottzilla points ahead. The camera zooms forward to reveal a script kiddie with a rocket launcher aimed right at the truck.]
Rocket Kiddie: F3ar my 133t r0ck3t 5ki115!
[He fires the rocket. Speed back to the truck]
Darth: GET DOWN!
[Mottzilla does so as Darth throws his arm forward. The front and rear windscreen shatter and the rocket jumps upward slightly. It flies straight through the front windshield and right past Darth's face - again, in Slow Motion, so we see Darth turning his head and looking at the rocket as it goes past - before it flies onward and blows up of its own accord. CUT TO the rocket kiddie, who looks dismayed that his plan has failed. Too late, he realises he shouldn't be standing in the middle of the road, and he gets smacked straight in the face by the monster truck. A little blood flies through the open windshield.]
Mottzilla: Eww...
Darth: Ah, suck it up, ya baby. C'mon, let's get back to the Wall*Mart and let War Lord know we're done cleaning up.
Mottzilla: But it's all over my shirt...
Darth: How'd ya think I feel? I got blood on mine too!
Mottzilla: Yeah, but it's not script kiddie blood, is it?
Darth: ...Ok, I'll give you that.
[The truck speeds out of sight. CUT TO A stormy night in front of Wall*Mart. Aegix Dragon and Breaker arrive dressed in camouflage.]
Breaker: All right, this is it! If Wall*Mart has a heart, we have to find it and destroy it! No matter what the Wall*Mart does to try to stop us, we have to be strong! Let's do it.
Cloral: Rushes in and blocks their path, holding a pistol] I'm afraid not, Breaker! Wall*Mart is a great store! I can't let you fools ruin its terrific bargains! You see, I was working for Wall*Mart all along!
Breaker: ...yeah, I know.
Cloral: ...no you didn't.
Breaker: ...yeah, I did. You weren't very covert about it.
Cloral: ...how do you mean?
Breaker: ...you've always been defending Wall*Mart, right from the beginning, you were obviously the one who slashed the bus tires in Arkansas, and you were trying to get the Wall*Mart president to shut up, AND you made us stop and buy that gun on the way back for no apparent reason! C'mon, it was painfully obvious [Cloral babbles loudly to drown him out] you were gonna turn on us!
Cloral: [Hands over ears] I can't hear you! Lalalalalala! [Once he's sure Breaker is quiet, he uncovers his ears and holds out the gun again] I'm sorry, guys, but if you want to hurt the Wall*Mart, you'll have to go through me!
Breaker: ..great. This is all we need.
[In the distance, the monster truck can be heard. Suddenly it burst over into the car park and heads straight for the guys. Cloral turns and screams as it executes a handbreak turn, only for it to stop right next to him. He breathes a sigh of relief, only for Darth to jump down and whack him over the head with his unlit lightsaber. Mottzilla climbs out and starts trying to brush the blood off his shirt]
Breaker: Hey guys.
Darth: Hey. You got a plan?
Breaker: Yep. Go in, find the heart, kill it dead.
Darth: Cool. [They all start walking towards the entrance. Cloral gets back up, and Darth throws the saber at him without looking. It clonks him on the head and he falls unconscious as the saber returns to Darth's hand.]
Aegix Dragon: What happened to your arm, Darth?
Darth: What arm?
...to be concluded...
EDIT: Ack! Someone say something so I don't double post.
EDIT2: Seriously. Somebody praise me, damn it!
Dammit, someone else post!
Posting once moar in a legendary thread
This is pure gold, and it's prolly the only time Lightning Z makes sense.
...thank you!...
[Aegix Dragon, Breaker, Darth and Mottzilla enter the store and walk past MasterSwordUltima, who's dressed in Wall*Mart employee clothing and greeting people as they enter the store]
MasterSwordUltima: Welcome to Wall*Mart.
Breaker: Cram it, ya corporate lacky!
Mottzilla: Where we headed?
Aegix Dragon: We've gotta find the television department. [The lights flicker and turn off. War Lord leaps into view in front of the boys, carrying an ax. The guys jump backwards and express surprise]
War Lord: Hey guys, these axes are only four ninety-nine.
Breaker: Dammit War Lord!
Darth: We know how to destroy the Wall*Mart!
War Lord: Shh! What are you talking about?
Breaker: One of the creators told us. You have to take your keys over to the television department.
War Lord: Television department... All right, come on, let's go! [The group moves down the aisle for some distance. Suddenly War Lord stops and jumps] Oh my God!
Mottzilla: What?
War Lord: Those two-dollar salt-and-pepper shakers! They were three dollars five minutes ago! The Wall*Mart is lowering its prices trying to stop us!
Breaker: Come on, we've got to try to make it to the back! [The group make their way to the back of the store, but War Lord can't help but look at all the bargains]
War Lord: Gaaahh! Don't look! Don't look at its bargains! [They come across a bunch of bikes priced at $29.99. They scream and run off. The guys run down another aisle, but War Lord isn't with them.]
Darth: I think I see the television department in the back!
Breaker: Is that the right way, War Lord? [He looks around, then turns to his right. Aegix Dragon turns to his left. Both of them see War Lord]
War Lord: This... this screwdrivier set is only nine ninety-eight!
Aegix Dragon: C'mon, we're nearly there!
War Lord: I can't make it, guys! You're gonna have to go on without me!
Aegix Dragon: But we need your keys!
War Lord: This bargain is too great for me! I'm gonna have to buy these! Here! Take the keys and go on! [He tosses the keys to Breaker, who catches them] The television department is near the back! Next to the cell phones! Go! Hurry! I'm gonna go buy these screwdrivers!
[The guys leave the aisle and reach the television department. The wall is lined with TVs of all sizes. A hand appears and presses a button, and all the TVs turn on, showing Breaker and Darth on screen. The camera pans over to the guys, who are looking at a man dressed in white.]
Man: Hello. Congratulations on getting this far.
Breaker: [Stepping forward] ...who are you?
Man: I am... Wall*Mart.
Darth: [Also steps forward] That makes absolutely no sense.
Wall*Mart: I've taken this form in order to talk to you. But I can take many forms. [He dons a bowler hat] Does this suit you better? Or perhaps you prefer this form? [He takes off the hat and puts on a robe] I can take whichever form I like. [He removes the robe and puts on a pirate hat and black patch over his left eye.]
Breaker: ...look, we don't want your store in our town. We've come to destroy you.
Darth: Right. So where's the heart?
Wall*Mart: To find the heart of Wall*Mart, one must first ask oneself 'Who is it that asked the question?' [Breaker and Darth look at each other]
Darth: ...me. I'm asking the question.
Wall*Mart: Ah, yes, but who are you?
Darth: ...I'm Darth Marsden. Or Chris, if you wanna be specific. Now where's the heart?
Wall*Mart: Ah. You know the answer, but not the question!
Breaker: The question is 'Where's the heart', you fruitloop.
Wall*Mart: Very well. You want to see the heart of Wall*Mart? It lies beyond that plasma-screen television. [The boys look to their right and walk over. They open a small door marked 'EMPLOYEES ONLY' and see themselves in a mirror]
Breaker: ...it's a mirror.
Wall*Mart: Yes, don't you see? That is the heart of Wall*Mart. You, the consumer. I take may forms: Wall*Mart, K*Mart, Target, but I am one single entity: Desire!
Breaker: [Turns to Darth] Well, the guy in Arkansas said to destroy the heart. [Darth ignites his saber and throws it into the mirror, which shatters]
Wall*Mart: Gaaah! NO! NO, what have you done?? [The building begins to rumble] Now you shall see my true form! [He removes the hat and eyepatch and puts on a baseball cap which reads 'Wall*Mart'] Now you see me as I truly am!
Breaker: We'd better get out of here. [Outside, Cloral wakes up and witnesses the Wall*Mart's self-immolation. Inside, the gang are making their way to the front doors]
Warlock: Get out! It's gonna blow! [The shoppers pay heed]
Breaker: Hey, come on! We've gotta get out!
War Lord: It's too late for me! I... I have to buy this stuff! [Darth bops him over the head with his saber and slings him over his good shoulder]
Darth: C'mon, this place is gonna blow! Everybody out now!
[CUT TO outside on the parking lot, night. The building begins to collapse as everyone gathers in the parking lot. The building implodes into a shining blue dot, then reappears as crap, which falls to the ground where the Wall*Mart once stood. Everyone looks on in astonishment, then Darth smiles and nudges Cloral]
Darth: See? Told ya. [He puts the waking War Lord down on the ground]
Kairyu: Guys, you did it! You killed the Wall*Mart!
PrrKitty: How'd you do it?
Breaker: All Wall*Marts start a self-destruction sequence if you break a mirror in the back.
War Lord: [Getting up] We... we know how to destroy it now. Spread the word to all the towns! [Nearby, a soldier sits at the ready to send out the news on a telegraph. At War Lord's command, he starts tapping rapidly]
Cloral: Wait. I think I understand the symbolism of the mirror. The Wall*Mart... is us.
Darth: Duh.
War Lord: No, I get it too. See, if we like our small-town charm more than the big corporate bullies, we all have to be willing to... pay that little bit more.
Cloral: Yeah. Let's all go shop at Riverman's down the street!
[The crowd approves and marches down the street. CUT TO Riverman's store, later. He reopens for business and the crowd flocks to his store. Later, the small store is replaced by a larger two-story building, which in turn is replaced by a huge building reminiscent of the departed Wall*Mart, which in turn leads to the store's demise by fire]
Crowd: ...Oh Lord, Kumbaya.
Cloral: All right, let's not make that mistake again.
Koopa: Yeah, let's all shop over at True Value!
[The crowd yell out in approval and move over to the store. Darth is left behind, his right arm now in a sling.]
Darth: God dammit.
THE END
That made my day; I can't wait for another one ^_^
Another? Ay carumba!
Fweeeeee! More more!
...maybe.
Lemme rummage around my South Park DVDs and see if I can find another good episode to parody/rip-off/bastardise.
Darthy - you knew we'd want more 😊 Just don't let us wear ya out <hug>.
I've got an idea for one or two, I'm just waiting to hear back from someone before I start another - trust me, there's a damned good reason for this. Also, it's a matter of tweaking them to suit my... 'purposes'. I have to do a fair bit of customization, even with the scripts available online.
Patience, people...
Darth Marsden wrote:I've got an idea for one or two, I'm just waiting to hear back from someone before I start another.
Pineconn to the rescue.
I'm kind of running out of ways to praise you, so I might do it in haiku from now on.
I love this story
It is really great and stuff
I now want more-y.
😃
Thanks for that, Pineconn.
Anyway, I've heard back from that person I was waiting for, and they've asked me not to do what I had planned, which is perfectly understandable, given what it was. Give me a bit to come up with something else and then the parodies shall continue.