Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long- term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two tripe-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I purshed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth betweeen the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries. right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So there I sat in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries, thinking to myself, "no possible way"!
What happened next is almost beyond description, but i'll do my best......
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little old thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!!$$%!***!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoutedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again?"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-GUN...that hurt like the devil!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as times was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there?!!?? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock
Tommy
Found this at another forum, made me laugh really hard!
I think he can safely say, "It works rather well!". Although I doubt he'll ever find his testicles again. I bet their opinion is... "if he'll use that - he don't need us!"
I think I just died laughing.
*breaks out in hysterical laughter*
:rofl:
...I can't think of anything to say about this that makes any sense.
Beldaran wrote:
Well said, Beldaran. The topic title really says it all. XD (EDIT: Oh, there
was an image in there. It never loaded for me. Updated and stuff.)
... ... That does sound like a very nice cat though. I wish more cats would actually be concerned about their owners/best friends.
wtf was that pretty funny. I wouldn't ever do anythign that freaking stupid though.
Oh shit did I just lie. I tested out a dog shock colar once.
BAD FUCKING IDEA. DO NOT DO THAT EVER. I cried hardcore, it was that kinda pain. It was crazy. It was for a big ol dog.
Man did it suck.
ROFL, no such thing as a one second zap when tasering your self.
My mom got another version of that in her e-mail at the hospital and it's a dog saying "don't do it dude" but yea that was funny as hell.
I think they guy is exagurrating a bit for attention. No taser will run any longer than 5 seconds, max. I've been tasered myself before (by a police officer, no less. it was a demo, if you were wondering), and yeah, while it will drop you to the floor by causing your muscles to spasm, the second it's turned off, the pain is gone. I was able to jump right back up on my feet. There's no way a taser would hurt that bad unless it was used improperly.
Orion wrote:There's no way a taser would hurt that bad unless it was used improperly.
Is holding it against your naked thigh while sitting in a recliner the proper way to use a taser? I always thought it was supposed to be pointed at someone else and would usually have some clothes between the taser and the assailant.
Though I'm thinking a shock to the temple would really rock someone's world.
I smell a future Darwin Award from this guy. Anybody else with me on this one?
AtmaWeapon wrote:Is holding it against your naked thigh while sitting in a recliner the proper way to use a taser? I always thought it was supposed to be pointed at someone else and would usually have some clothes between the taser and the assailant.Though I'm thinking a shock to the temple would really rock someone's world.
There's different types of tasers. Some are like cattle-prods in that you simply press them against your victim, as is the case with Captain Einstein up above. Others are like guns that shoot wires which complete a circuit in the victim causing him or her to be electrocuted.
I've been tasered, my buddy had one and we did it to each other. Not because we are stupid jackasses but because we just want to know what it feels like. And it hurts pretty damned bad, but its not the worst thing in the world.
Mace is much worse.
Men are so incredibly stupid.
No offense.
I'm reminded of a story I once heard. An angel once told someone that he had five minutes to live. He obviously became tremendously stressed, and worried that he hadn't experienced everything he could in his life. His mind raced to see what he had left to experience, and the thought occurred to him that since he was going to die anyway, (Hey, an ANGEL tells you this! You can't help but believe it.) ... that you may as well see what it's like to experience certain kinds of pain. He runs off the top of a building and falls flat on the floor. He lives. He then sets himself on fire to see what it's like to feel fire pain, .. and he burns to death just about five minutes from when he was told he'd die. Kinda makes y'think.
Agreed with Beldaran. ^^^
Beldaran, you seriously wouldnt have the urge to try it? just to see how much it really hurts?
Nope. I'm not curious about how much various things hurt. Following that logic, I might as well break my leg or burn my nutsack with a lighter. I've never done either of those things and I don't know how much they hurt.
Interestingly enough, I actually have been tasered though. I was at a party in Austin and this drunk guy tasered the fuck out of me. It was actually pretty funny. Also, I was electrocuted by a bad microphone at band practice once. That pretty much sucked. I couldn't let go because my arm muscles locked up.
I don't understand why (some) guys are so curious how much pain something can give, and how much you can endure? I mean, when I see two guys in a parking lot beating each other up for fun, I don't think it's funny or impressive or anything other than... well... stupid. SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME
What is so exciting about finding out how much pain various things cause? As far as I'm concerned when I am healthy the pain scale is yes/no, it is only after I am in pain that I worry about the degree of pain.
I see no real reason why I should attempt to injure myself to find out that it hurts, something that I knew before I did it. Maybe you guys who do need to start working on DIY genital modification or something, I hear nothing hurts like sticking a nail through your testicles.
*Edit* Beldaran I'm sorry but for some reason your post made me have the mental image of you sitting in a chair, bored, with nothing else to do, then you suddenly decide to set your scrotum on fire to see what it feels like. I'm not doing the vision justice but it was kind of like a cartoon with caveman grunts and I nearly fell out of my chair. I think it's the 'not sleeping last night' that did that.
No No... not that kind of shit, like lighters and burning ones self or getting into fist fights for fun.
Its because you know cops use tasers, you see people on tv get tasered so you just want to see what it feels like. I would never shoot myself or burn myself just to feel it. But a taser you want to see why peopel talk about them and the like...
its jsut different.
Well, you can't tell by someone reaction that it hurts?! I mean, they could be laying there frothing at the mouth and nonresponsive and you'd be like, "Gee, I wonder just how much that hurts..."
I still don't get it.
moocow wrote:I don't understand why (some) guys are so curious how much pain something can give, and how much you can endure? I mean, when I see two guys in a parking lot beating each other up for fun, I don't think it's funny or impressive or anything other than... well... stupid. SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME
I don't see the point in inflicting pain upon my self or a friend especially if I already know it's going to hurt.
There is a difference between having fun and accidently hurting someone like the time we opened the fire hose on one of the volunteers.
I got paid $20 for the demo. 5 seconds of pain for $20, easiest money I ever made.
moocow wrote:I don't understand why (some) guys are so curious how much pain something can give, and how much you can endure? I mean, when I see two guys in a parking lot beating each other up for fun, I don't think it's funny or impressive or anything other than... well... stupid. SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME
They're dumb. There are just some guys that think they have to be tougher than everybody else, so they play a game where they try and endure the most pain to show who's tougher. Or they're just bored. Or so I think...
I'm not dumb enough to beat the crap outta myself to show someone I can take a punch...not that tough, either, but... Anyway. I have more important ways to spend my time that this...you know, like playing games. Better to get beaten on Metroid Prime than end up lying face-down in the middle of a McDonald's parking lot... 😃
Not all tasers are equal you must know. And you really need to realize very little electricity could potentially KILL you. Just a few amps and you're dead. Or just the right hot cable that doesn't shock you back but instead holds onto you till you fry.
But really, tasers are stupid in general in my opinion. I think it just gives cops an excuse to inflict pain. You taser someone, I hope someone shoots you, with hollow points. If I had a choice of either shooting someone or tasering them, I'd shoot them. I don't see the point in fucking around.
Anyways, tasering yourself or other such things you may have problems. You don't need to experience things to realize it hurts.