Right, BH4. And he doesn't seem to know I am a redheaded witch. Oops. Sorry, I didn't mean to turn you into a frog before forgetting how to do magic again, GW.
Well done, mooie! Owned!
You're right about that, SixTen.
Let the war begin!!!
Now it's time for some little fun. You want to post lists, GW? I'm the queen of them.
Things Men Need to Know
1. The reason our bras don't always match our underwear is because
WE actually CHANGE our underwear.
2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in
combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet bowl.
3. If we're watching football with you, it's not bonding. We're watching because of the butts.
4. If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.
5. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.
6. Don't fret if you find out that the postman delivers more than once a day.
7. Please don't drive when you're not driving.
8. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
9. Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths that you take.
10. If you were really looking for an honest answer you wouldn't ask in bed.
11. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubbernecking at miniskirts.
12. If only women gossip, how do you and your buddies keep track of "who's easy?"
13. Stop telling us that most male strippers are gay: WE DON'T CARE!
14. Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life: You'll never see the island coming.
15. Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.
16. Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.
17. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder level.
Seminars for Males
Once again, the female staff of the University will be offering courses to men, regardless of marital status. Please note that the name of some courses have recently been changed. Attendance to at least 10 of the following courses is mandatory. The seminars are in great demand, so please register early.
Courses
* Economics
o 101: Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
o 102: We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things For Christmas- Give Us Money
* English
o 101: Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
o 102: The Attainable Goal: Omitting "*#?$@" From Your Vocabulary
o 110: How Not to Act Like an Asshole When You're Obviously Wrong
* Environmental Studies
o 101: Garbage - Getting It to the Curb
o 102: Why It Is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere But the bathroom
o 103: You Can Do Housework Too
o 104: How to Fill an Icetray
o 105: How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (must be taken concurrently with Environmental Studies 106)
o 106: Learning to Aim Straight - It Can Be Done (must be taken with ES 105)
* Health
o 101: How to Stay Awake After Sex
o 102: Parenting - It Doesn't End With Conception (also Psych 102)
o 103a: You Can Fall Asleep Without IT If You Really Try
o 103b: The Morning Dilemma - If IT's Awake, Take a Shower
o 104: Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works
o 110: You Too Can Be a Designated Driver
o 201: Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When You're Naked (also Psych 201)
* Leisure Studies
o 101: The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous
o 102: How to Go Shopping With a Woman Without Getting Lost
o 110: Helpful Posture Hints for Couch Potatoes
* Psychology
o 100: Combatting Stupidity
o 101: PMS- Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
o 102: See Health 102
o 103: Understanding the Female Response When You Come In Drunk at 3am
o 104: How to Not Act Younger Than Your Children
o 111: Give Me a Break - Why We Know Your Excuses are Bullshit
o 201: See Health 201
o 250: Learning Self-Control - How Not to Pick Your Nose or Adjust Your Balls in Public
* Sociology
o 101: YOU - The Weaker Sex
o 102: Reasons to Give Flowers
o 105: Romanticism - Other Ideas Besides Sex
o 115: Why Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is Not Necessary
o 210: Male Bonding - How to Leave Your Friends At Their Homes
* Textiles and Apparels
o 101: Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly: Don't Wash My Silk)
o 102: I'll Wear It If I Damn Well Please
o 104: Yes, They Really Smell After Being Worn More Than Once
Women's Rules For Men
1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
6. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
7. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
8. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
9. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
10. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag," "Lardass," and "Bitch" are bad.
11. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
12. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
13. None of your ex-girlfriends was ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
14. Her cooking is excellent.
15. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
16. Dish soap is your friend.
17. Hat does not equal shower, after-shave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
18. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
19. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
20. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
21. Two words: clean socks.
22. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're all sweaty.
23. Burping is not sexy.
24. You're wrong.
25. You're sorry.
26. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
27. Ditto for your discourse on football.
28. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
29. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
30. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
31. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
32. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
33. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
34. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
35. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
36. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
37. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
38. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
39. Always, always suck up to her brother.
40. Think boxers.
41. Remember Valentine's Day, and any "anniversary" she so names.
42. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
43. Her haircut is never bad.
44. Don't let your friends pick on her.
45. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit on your butt in the waiting room, smoking cigars, isn't fair either, and it balances everything.