Could use some essay critique — General Discussion

Raichu86 03 Mar 2005, 04:42

I'm currently developing a cause and effect essay for my English Composition I class. This essay is due in its final form this Monday. I'd not normally ask for this, but there are a couple of factors leading me to do so...
[list=1][*]My discussion group for this essay has had nothing useful to say about it.
[*]The instructor was sick this week, so she didn't get to go around giving feedback like she normally would.[/list]
Having received so little feedback, I'd like to ask anybody who's bored and would like to give an opinion to do so. Here's what I need to achieve.

This essay is about my weight loss endeavors, so there are a number of effects. The effects being the point of the essay, I'd like to ensure that they are expressed/conveyed clearly enough.
I must ensure there are no grammar or spelling errors that I missed. I don't believe there are any, but if you notice any errors, or even question anything, please bring it to my attention.
The minimum word count is 750 words. I'm well past that, but somebody who read draft 1 said some of the paragraphs are too short. How am I doing now?

Here it is: http://wildbill.purezc.com/collegedocs/Unburthening%20the%20Scale%20-%20Draft%202.rtf

Thanks in advance. :thumbsup:

Rainman 03 Mar 2005, 04:50

"which may seem like a lot due to being just shy of the standard 2,000-calorie diet that nutritional percentages are derived from; however, a person of my height needs to have 2,800 calories in a day in order maintain my desired weight

Should that be "may not seem"? Makes more sense that way. I'm still reading, but needed to point that out. :P

Raichu86 03 Mar 2005, 04:59

Rainman wrote:"which may seem like a lot due to being just shy of the standard 2,000-calorie diet that nutritional percentages are derived from; however, a person of my height needs to have 2,800 calories in a day in order maintain my desired weight
Should that be "may not seem"? Makes more sense that way. I'm still reading, but needed to point that out. :P

Nope... think about it. The 2,000 calorie diet is used everywhere, so cutting back to 1,800 would only be reducing that by 200 calories... so the total is a lot. Perhaps I should reword that to make it more clear. I'll look at it. 😊

Rainman 03 Mar 2005, 05:03

But it should be that does not seem like a lot because you are comparing 1800 to 2000. It's a lot compared to your actually needed calories at the time, but that's not what you were comparing.
*shrugs*

mikeron 03 Mar 2005, 05:24

From what Rainman quoted, the end sould read "in order to maintain their desired weight"

Coder GT 03 Mar 2005, 17:31

Whoa...you're Wild Bill, hmm. Ok, why didn't you ask your parents or siblings/roomate/relatives/etc... I find it very weird that you posted your essay on a messageboard.

Raichu86 03 Mar 2005, 23:29

Rainman: All right, I've rephrased it a bit. I'm trying to compare 1,800 to the 2,000 that's used all over the place, so hopefully I've made it more clear now.

mikeron wrote:From what Rainman quoted, the end sould read "in order to maintain their desired weight"

Oops... subject/pronoun disagreement. Good catch. Though, I believe it should be "his or her" rather than "their", as I was referencing a single person, not multiple people. Thanks. 😊

Coder GT wrote:Ok, why didn't you ask your parents or siblings/roomate/relatives/etc... I find it very weird that you posted your essay on a messageboard.

I have no siblings, room mates, relatives, or physical friends. I really don't care to have my parents reading my writing, either. My friends online are my best bet. Sorry if that seems particularly odd to you.