Joke: Just send the damn bottle back!

Hehe ... naughty you! Nice joke.

Naughty, naughty kitty.😛 I liked the man's reply. Cutting off 3 inches....:laughing:

Hehe I wonder how people come up with these things ...

Originally posted by Ultra22Lemming
Hehe I wonder how people come up with these things ...

The $200 Hooker

A man is sitting at a bar enjoying one of his favorite beverages. A very sexy and attractive lady sits down next to him, and they strike up a conversation.
After several minutes the lady confesses that in reality, she is "working" tonight, and needs to know if he is interested.
He asks her what exactly her terms are. She responds by saying that it is really a very simple proposition: "For $200 I will do anything you want, providing you can say it in three words."

The man stops to think for a few seconds. He turns to her and says, "Okay, that sounds fair," and puts down $200 on the bar for her.
She says, "Great, what shall we do?"

He turns to look her squarely in the face and says, "Paint my house."

15 (More) Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Guy

1- The world is your urinal.

2- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

3- You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's "just too dirty."

4- You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.

5- Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

6- You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

7- Wedding dress: $2,000; Tuxedo rental: $75.

8- With 400 million sperm cells per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

9- The remote control is yours and yours alone.

10- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

11- You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

12- Bachelor parties kick butt over bridal showers.

13- You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

14- Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

15- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.

One day, a married man who came to Ohio from Virginia for his job decided to go to a place called, "The Gentleman's Club". While there, he tried to convince a young woman to have sexual relations with him. She agreed to the act as long as he paid he $175. He went up the road to his workplace to use the ATM, and met the girl back at his hotel room. They did their thing and she left. The next morning he couldn't find the keys to his brand new Dodge Dakota. He walked outside thinking he locked his keys in his truck, to find that his truck was gone. The hooker not only charged him $175 to commit adultry on his wife, but also stole his truck.

Sad part is that this is a true story... The guy is happened to is one of my dad's co-workers.

Cool jokes, though!! 😊

No fair hijacking Prrkitty's thread...ah hell, who cares as long as they're this funny? :laughing:

hehe, cute joke Prrkitty.

Should our jokes be kept to a single thread... and just keep adding as we find? Or should each joke have it's own topic/thread?

7 Things That Suck About Being A Guy

1- The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
2- External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
3- Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
4- Ribbed for her pleasure -- not yours.
5- You have to wear ties.
6- You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
7- "Women and children first."

Should our jokes be kept to a single thread... and just keep adding as we find? Or should each joke have it's own topic/thread?

I still really like the idea of a forum just for jokes, though... there's plenty of them around, after all...

Here are 3 of my favorite jokes...

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

----------------------------------------

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

---------------------------------------------------

This joke is Rated R

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long
business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he
thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while
he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her
screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys
and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex
doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something
special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man
behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man
said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the
trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on,
but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for
weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the
'voodoo dick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there
lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and
said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this
shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The
voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and
started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the
vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the
door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in
your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and
lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally
surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife,
told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had
to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip
satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her,
but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and
said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch
and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had
enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still
thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to
the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the
way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she
was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and
then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been
drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and
wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second,
and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
----------------------------------------------------------------

VERY good jokes Armageddon... especially the last one!! I about covered my monitor with the swallow of drink I had... when I got to the last sentence. :laughing:

*yawns*
We need to find more original jokes.😛

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Kreme Donuts.

And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

And Man said "Yea," and woman said, "and another one with sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."

And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing and garlic toast on the side.

And man and woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then brought running shoes so that his children might loose those extra pounds.

And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.

And man and woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And man gained even more pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?"

And man replied, "Yea! And super size 'em."

And Satan said "It is good." And man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs...