This is not meant to offend anyone's religion. Try to take it in the sense of humor it's meant as... please and thank you.
A new minister at his first service was so nervous he could hardly speak. After services he asked the senior pastor how he had done. The elder minister replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the minister's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:
Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the big T!
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body," he did not say, "Eat me."
The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.