1, " Kleptomaniac: A rich thief."
2, " Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B."
3, " The shortest distance between two points is under construction."
4, " Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission."
5, " Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence..."
6, " Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses."
7, " Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game."
8, " The most powerful force in the world is that of a frisbee straining to land under a car, just out of reach."
9, " Never precede any demo by a comment more predictive than \042Watch this!\042."
10, " It is bad luck to be superstitious."
11, " If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law."
12, " For every action there is an equal and opposite government program."
13, " When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
14, " Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check."
15, " A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat."
16, " Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object."
17, " Pro is to con as progress is to Congress."
18, " The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action."
19, " Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots."
20, " Bank error in your favor. Collect 200!"
21, " Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may be in owning a piece thereof."
22, " Help! I'm trapped behind a Window!!!!"
23, " If anything can go wrong, it will."
24, " This fortune intentionally left blank."
25, " Look out! Behind you!"
26, " A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip."
27, " It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious."
28, " In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake."
29, " Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse."
30, " Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight."
31, " Any given program, when running, is obsolete."
32, " Any given program costs more and takes longer."
33, " If a program is useful, it will have to be changed."
34, " Any given program will expand to fill all available memory."
35, " The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output."
36, " Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it."
37, " There's always one more bug."
38, " Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it."
39, " It works better if you plug it in."
40, " Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out."
41, " Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some."
42, " The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent."
43, " Progress is made on alternate Fridays."
44, " If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization."
45, " Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.\012 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats."
46, " You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom."
47, " If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.\012 -- Mark Twain"
48, " Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved\012 -- Mark Twain"
49, " We have met the enemy, and he is us.\012 -- Walt Kelly"
50, " Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing."
51, " There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write."
52, " 1.) If the document should exist, it doesn't.\012 2.) If the document does exist, it's out of date.\012 3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws."
53, " Probable-Possible, my black hen,\012 She lays eggs in the Relative When.\012 She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now\012 Because she's unable to postulate how.\012 -- Frederick Winsor"
54, " Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.\012 -- H. L. Mencken"
55, " Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.\012 -- Mark Twain"
56, " If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?"
57, " The shortest distance between two points is off the wall."
58, " Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels."
59, " You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself."
60, " Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left."
61, " Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head."
62, " Dawn: The time when people of reason go to bed."
63, " While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his."
64, " Did you know that clones never use mirrors?"
65, " There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy...\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
66, " The goal of mechanical engineering is to build better mousetraps.\012 The goal of genetic engineering is to build better mice."
67, " Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should."
68, " Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said."
69, " Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat."
70, " If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?"
71, " An elephant is a mouse with an operating system."
72, " A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard"
73, " It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem."
74, " Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are."
75, " Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday."
76, " Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate."
77, " Those who can't write, write manuals."
78, " Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him."
79, " A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn."
80, " It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag."
81, " SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!\012 POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!"