The Ultimate Joke Thread

[Darth Marsden]

I've only just noticed, but we're over 60 posts into this thread. Doin' good!

-X-

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
'It's a period' said the little boy.
'Well, I can see that' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?'
'Damned if I know' said the little boy, 'but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.'

-X-

A bartender is getting ready to close for the night when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun.
'This is a stickup!' He yells. 'Put all your dough in a bag!'
'Don’t shoot!' pleads the barkeep. 'I’ll do whatever you say!'
The bartender stuffs all the money into a bag and hands it over. The crook snatches it and then puts the gun to the bartender’s head and says, 'Anything?'
'Anything!' comes the reply.
'All right... give me a blow job!'
The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing the guy. After a few minutes, the robber gets so excited he drops his gun.
The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and hands it back to the robber. 'Hold the gun, dammit' he says. 'One of my friends might walk in!'

-X-

A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone. One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.
'It’s getting late, big boy' she says after a few minutes. 'Why don’t we go upstairs to bed?'
'We might as well' slurs the husband. 'I’m going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.'

[ShadowTiger]

TILL DEATH DO US PART
Mildred, 93, was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[Darth Marsden]

A young boy was feeling inqusitive. 'Mum, is it true people can be taken apart like machines?'
'Of course not sweetie' she replied. 'Where on Earth did you get such an idea?'
'From Daddy' says the boy. 'He was talking on the phone to someone and he sais he was screwing the arse off his secratary.'

[Aegix Drakan]

I found this one on another forum. I lol'd so much I just HAD to bring it here.

Women Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,

"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

------------

this one is from my old french teacher (mr. Brault). he was a master of jokes and puns. anyway, he claimed that he knew all of the important people in the world.
he told us about some of his earlier french students:

(they didn't believe me, they said, "ok! fine! prove that you know our prime minsiter personally!" so we took a trip to parliament hill, and went inside. there was a meeting in session, but then when the Prime minister heard I was there, he ushered us all in, even though it was a private meeting.
the stutends were shocked, but then they said "ok, so you know the prime minister! but there is no way you know the Pope! if you do, we will do detentin with you for the rest of of our years at this school!". so we took a trip to rome, and I went to see him. when I cam eout, with my hand on his shoulder, I looked up, and saw the whole class, fainted. I told them later, that they didn't have to serve all the detentions, and they said "no sir, that's not why we fainted. It's the woman behind us. when you came out, she asked her friend: who is that man there with Mr. Brault?")

[ShadowTiger]

Blonde's Diary:


Dear Diary, Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year. Namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! (I told him) There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

--------x--------

THE DONKEY RAFFLE

A young hillbilly named Kenny, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "well, then, just give me my money back." The Farmer said, "can't do that. I went and spent it already." Kenny said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey." The farmer asked, "what ya gonna do with him?" Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer said, "you can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Kenny said, "sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "what happened with
that dead donkey?" Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998" The farmer said, "didn't anyone complain?" Kenny said, "just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny eventually became the chairman of Enron.

--------x--------

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation escape by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some outrageous shorts, shirts and sandals. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their tourist garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a string bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually; then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they we're priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you saw them. Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, this time topless with just a thong bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, she said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away. One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute young lady." "Yes, Father?", she said. "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

"Father, it's me, Sister Margaret"

[Chop_Suey]

I dunno if you guys have heard these yet, but I thought these were funny, and they're the only one's I know.

A pirate has a steering wheel down his pants and someone asks, "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" and he says "Arr, it's driving me nuts."

I know, it's dumb, but this next one is funny.

Question: What do you call a psychic midget running from the police?

Answer: A small medium at large.

[ShadowTiger]

If you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended. It really works. Just take a few seconds and focus on each step.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "The World."
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See, you're smiling already.

[Darth Marsden]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. When he's finished, his friend says "Wow. That was nice of you."
The other man replies "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

-X-

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” before handing it to the clerk.
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog “There's only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” The dog replied “That wouldn't make a lick of sense!”

-X-

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment before replying "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

-X-

...and finally, one for the kid in you...

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
POOP!

[rocksfan13]

A man comes home from work, sit down in his favorite chair, turns on the
TV, and tells his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looks a little puzzled, but brings him a beer. When he finishes it, he
says, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looks a little angry, but brings him a beer. When it's gone,
he says, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."

"That's it!" she shouts, "You jerk! You waltz in here, flop your fat butt
down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your
slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day
long?"

The husband sighs. "Oh no, it's started.
__________________________________________________ ___________________________

A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend's house for a play date when the little girl asks "Mommy," how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replies sweetly. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"


"Now really," the mother says, a bit less sweetly. "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That's enough questions, young lady, honestly!" mom says as her daughter is getting out of the car.

The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." Now mom's getting mad. She says, "Oh really? And just why is that, young lady?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

[triforceholder]

Diary Of A Snow Shoveler


December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the
best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and
felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect
life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says
we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice
man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took
my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon
and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this
way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes
out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets
on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit
it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably
won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to
go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed,
pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire
Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he
says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says
she did but I think she's damn well lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his
balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour
and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife
wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents,
but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I
hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her
mother . 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?