I am sure you have noticed I haven't been around much. It hasn't been lack of opportunity either. I just haven't really felt up to it. Anyone who knows me, so maybe two of you, knows I have struggled with depression before. I am not going to go into details about what caused it because I am not the same man I was 5 years ago who would share everything and anything about my life and not give a shit about what you thought about it. I am not seein a shrink or anything. I know what depression feels like. I even took a few of those online tests and scored high for Moderate depression. If my last head doctor is to be believe then I have been depressed for the last atleast 15 years and just learned to repress it like a person in chronic pain represses the pain til they don't really realize it is there anymore.

This isn't that though. I am grieving. I am finding it really hard to even force myself to do the things I enjoy. One of those things happens to be getting myself in front of the computer. I can't really say when I will overcome my grief or if the depression will go with it. I had my first panic attack a week or so ago. In my sleep of all things. Any one who suffers from panic disorder I truly feel for you. That had to have been one of the worst moments of my life.

I am trying to get back into the things I usually enjoy. If you have noted my absence on here or IRC, I am sorry. I can assure you I am as alright as I can be and am not going to blow my brains out. It feels like my capacity for things to care about is extremely shallow at the moment. Those who know how to reach me can reach me. I may be a bit slower about getting back to you though.

In any case here is this warm and sunny topic about depression. I am sure a few of you have dealt with it. ...