Yeah. So. A friend of mine, earlier this month, ended her own life. The worst part is, none of her close friends- myself included- knew until almost ten days later. A quiet obituary was published, containing absolutely no information concernign what a beautiful, loving, incredible person she was.
Autumn was the first real friend I made after I took time off college. We met seven years ago, and instantly clicked. At the time, she worked at a CVS developing film. Before we became close, I would often walk into the store to pretend to shop, just to say hi to her.
She wrote some of the most beautiful poetry I had ever read. Shortly before she died, she deleted her facebook profile, so I'm still trying to find some of it. If I do, I'll post it. She wrote one specifically for me, though, and I don't feel I can share it just yet. Sorry.
Anyway, I moved away from Bozeman- the town where we met- in early 2007. Autumn and I always kept in touch, though. I never really kept in touch with people I moved away from, but her and I never lost contact. We wrote eachother weekly, and spoke on the phone at least every other day. I started going back to school, and she came up to visit. She had, in the meantime, travelled to an African country- I am sorry, I can't remember specifically which one; I want to say Niger, but I don't think that's right- to do volunteer work... and that's when she started having problems. When I saw her, she talked about how she was threatened once while there, and that disturbed her deeply. Apparently, someone had said to her that, because she was a small (VERY small) white girl, she would be targetted... of course, she never was, but that bothered her deeply.
During her visit, she told me she wanted to move to Missoula to go to school again. I was elated! One of my best friends wanted to move to the same city for school!
Though, she quickly changed her mind, as she often did. To be honest, while I loved that about her, it also sort of drove me nuts. She was always a creature of the now, circumstances be damned.
A few months back, she stopped talking to people. She just... vanished. Radio silence; she got rid of her phone and disconnected her internet service. I hadn't talked to her in months. I just learned on Friday that she died on the 2nd. I didn't get to say goodbye to her. I miss her so much. She was such a beautiful soul. I drove through Bozeman last month for school, and I thought about trying to see her, but I didn't have time. If I had made time, even a fucking hours worth, she might still be here. She might not have been so alone. She might have fucking told me she wasn't in a good place.
All I've got, physically, to remember her is a blue pinecone she gave me when we last saw eachother.
I miss her so much guys.
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