Darth's Fan-Fiction Thread

[The_Amaster]

Wow...those were some of the funniest ones yet. Has Beldaran read this yet?

[Darth Marsden]

Amaster42: Why, does he need to? I don't know if he's read this specific thread, but he's certainly aware of my stories in general.

Stungun: The fourth story was specifically chosen and written to basically make fun of one member of these forums. See if you can figure out which one. I'll give you a hint - his username is almost identical to someone I like much, much more.

Anyway. Time for some edumaction, folks!
Some of the following originally appeared in the 'Pineconn is...' thread shortly after I posted Episode IV, and is reprinted here with some minor modifications.

It can take me up anywhere between one to two hours to write each part of a story, so with three or four parts, I estimate the earlier stories took me about 5 hours to do, with the latest (Episode V) taking me about four. As I have said several times before, I have way too much free time. Still, if it makes so many people happy, then it's worth every second and I don't regret it for a minute.

For the stories I've already done and the ones I've yet to do, I take the original episode's script from South Park Stuff. I find it, copy it and then paste it into the post editor. It looks a little rough, since the original text is in a table, so I need to go through and sort it out, while at the same time, change names and places. This is the part that takes the most time, and in the past Firefox has occasionally gone back a page and lost all my hard work, though it seems to have stopped doing this lately (thank god).

The reason I originally posted the stories in three or four different parts was due to me getting tired of the copy-paste-edit-replace routine, but since I've realized you can hit Ctrl-B and Ctrl-I to bold and italic highlighted text, it's become slightly less of a chore, and that's why I was able to post Episode V in one (well, two, but only because of the character limit) block. Of note was when I reposted the stories in this thread - I was able to grab the 'source code' behind the first three stories by quoting the post they were originally from, but since the 'Pineconn is...' thread was locked, I couldn't quote the posts. I had to copy the text straight from the thread and physically re-insert all the bold and italic tags. That took about an hour or so and left me a tad drained.

I may run out of South Park episodes, but that won't stop me. As threatened before, I do have some original ideas floating around in this big ol' brain of mine, and let's not forget that there are hundreds of other shows out there I can bastardize my way through. For the moment though, I think we're good.

[biggiy05]

You've got what 10 or 11 seasons worth of episodes to screw with? I don't see a problem occuring for a while.

[Darth Marsden]

So far South Park is in the middle of Series 11, so there's a fair number of stories out there, but the thing to remember is that not all of them are appropriate. I was a little concerned about the Scientology one, but once I got into it, realized it would be Ok.

It's a matter of finding episodes that not only can be adapted (which is most of them, I'll admit) but also make sense and will kind of apply. For instance, the episode Lemmiwinks. While it could be adapted, I wouldn't want to because of the subject matter: Mr Garrison replaces the puppet Mr Hat with the person Mr Slave, and in an attempt to get fired for being gay so he can sue the school, ends up shoving a gerbil up Mr Slave's ass. The children complain, but they're thought to be intolerant of gays, so they get sent to The Death Camp of Tolerance.

While I may take certain elements from that episode (The Death Camp of Tolerance, probably) and combine it with other bits from other episodes to make something more original, I wouldn't use the original episode, because it wouldn't work as a whole. It's a bit of a challenge going through and thinking 'Yeah, that episode would work', but sometimes I'll just be watching an episode for fun and realize 'Hey... if I replace that character with INSERT FORUM MEMBER HERE and... yeah, that'd work!'

That's exactly how Episode IV came about. I was watching 'Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy' and realized I could replace most of the characters, particularly Ike with Pineconn_lolz, who was being a tad annoying at the time. I just figured I'd find any female moderator to replace Miss Stevenson, and it was a happy coincidence that the mod for New Members was PrrKitty, a woman who'd not only enjoyed my previous stories, but wouldn't take her usage in the story the wrong way - hell, she'd probably love it (and she did). That pretty much sealed the deal, 'cause once I found that out, I just had to do the story.

Again, once I run out of South Park stories, there are plenty of other shows out there I can use. It's more a matter of me finding the right one.

[moocow]

*peels her eyes*

[Prrkitty]

Darthy, you are right... I know how to take a joke and definitely didn't take offense. Thank you for the wonderful laughs honey.
<hug>

[Darth Marsden]

Surprise, suckas.

Episode VI - Smoking Sucks

[The AGN Cafe. A whole bunch of people are here, relaxing, arguing, grabbing a bite to eat... the usual. There are some speakers in the corner behind the microphone, a big multi-screen monitor in between the speakers, and a blue banner with the words 'BUTT OUT!' hangs across the roof, with the O doubling as a no-smoking symbol. There's plenty of chatter in the place as War Lord walks up to the microphone]

War Lord: Ok guys, could I have some quiet please? [No change in the level of noise] C'mon guys, pipe down, I wanna say something. [Again, no change. Breaker approaches him, takes the microphone and puts it against one of the massive speakers, creating a loud feedback loop. The crowd screams in pain as Breaker returns the mic to War Lord] Thanks. Ok, now I don't know if you realize this, but keeping this place going costs me money, and although some of you have been kind enough to donate, and a big thank you to those who do, it's still not quite enough. Fortunately, these guys have offered me a ton of cash to do some kind of talk, and 'cause I don't like to suffer alone, so you're all gonna have to sit through it, otherwise you're banned. [One if the crowd suddenly bolts for the door] Dammit. Breaker!
Breaker: On it! [He sprints to the door and grabs the guy. He spins him around to reveal it's cbailey78] Consider yourself banned, punk! [He produces a rubber stamp from his suit and stamps it on cbailey78's forehead. He pulls the stamp away, revealing the word 'BANNED' in big black letters.]
cbailey78: Aw, man.
War Lord: Ok? Anyone else? [Silence from the crowd as Breaker throws cbailey78 out of the door] No? Right then. Please put your hands together and get ready to suffer... 'Butt Out!'

[Some music starts up and a very enthusiastic troupe dashes out from behind the speakers and multi-screen monitor. After some chatter they begin to sing]

Butt Out!: Butt out! Yeah yeah! Kids, that cigarette butt is gross!
Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go! [The music stops and the troupe members strike poses]

Darth: Ugh, this is gonna be worse than Episode Two's love scenes.
Butt Out!: Yeah! All right! Woo hoo!!
Butt Out! Lady: Hey guys, how are we all feelin' today? Woooo! [Not a sound emanates from the audience, instead all choosing to look on in horror]
Butt Out! Man 1: [Steps forward] Hey, did you guys know that each year over six hundred thousand people a year die from smoking? A year!
Butt Out! Man 2: [Also steps forth] Six hundred thousand?? Are you sure you're not just blowing smoke? [The troupe members laugh. No-one else does]
Butt Out! Lady: Blow smoke? Us? No way! Because we don't need to smoke and neither do you, right guys? Butt out! Break it down! [A rap begins. The third male trouper becomes a really bad human beat box]
Butt Out!: Butt out! Yeah yeah! It's cool to say no!
Butt Out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go!
Butt Out! Man 3: [Steps forward and begins his beat box, just a bunch of utterances including] Smoking, no. No smoking. [He ends his bit and backs up]
Butt Out! Man 2: Freestyle!
Butt Out! Lady: Vernon! [The first of the Butt Out! males steps forth while the third one resumes his beat box]
Vernon: Don't smoke! Don't ever smoke!
Butt Out!: Kyle! [Vernon steps back into the line, the second But Out! male steps forth]
Kyle: B to the U to the T to the T to the O to the U to the T to the C to the I to the G to the A to the R to the E to the T to the T to the E! Butt out, cigarette!
War Lord: Oh Jesus, I didn't need the money THIS badly.
PrrKitty: I'm gonna kill myself. Swear to god. [Kyle goes back in line]
Butt Out!: Randy!
Randy: [Steps forth] Smoke you know has got to go. You go, you got to know to say the "no" to the smoke, you go go.. [Darth holds his nose, grimaces and sighs heavily] ... you gotta get it!
Butt Out!: Pam!
Pam: [Steps forth and makes like a diesel truck pulling to a stop. In a screeching voice she says] Don's smoke.
Butt Out!: Woo hoo! [She goes back into the line]
PrrKitty: That's it. I'm committing Sepuku. Darth, gimme your saber. [She looks over at Darth, but he's put himself into some kind of trance and is dead to the world] ...bastard.
Kyle: Hey! What's the big deal? I like smoking, and it makes me cool! [He turns his hat around so it's on backwards, and strikes a pose]
Pam: Oh, really? Do you think lung cancer is cool, too? [Kyle strikes a surprised pose]
Randy: What about emphysema? Is that cool? [Kyle clasps his hands together]
Vernon: And what about abortion, and AIDS? [Kyle slumps]
Randy: Pfft! That's none's the cool.
Pam: Word.
Vernon: Yeah. So butt out! [Kyle turns his hat back around]
Butt Out!: Butt out! Yeah yeah! Give that cigarette butt a throw!
Jigglysaint: Make the hurting stop...
Butt Out!:Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go!
Vernon: Remember guys, if you smoke, you could grow up to be a failure.
Pam: Worse yet, you could grow up to be dead. [She collapses into Vernon's arms. He stands her up again]
Kyle: So don't believe what those evil tobacco companies tell you!
Randy: Yeah, because if you don't smoke, you can grow up to be-
Butt Out!: [Striking one final pose] Just Like Us.

[The crowd looks at each other, not quite sure what to make of that. Cut to the alley round the back of the AGN Cafe. Jigglysaint, Pineconn and PrrKitty are all smoking cigarettes, while Darth apparently keeps a watch out. The three are all coughing badly - clearly not smokers]

PrrKitty: Give me a hit. Give me another one, give me another one. [She takes a cigarette from Pineconn's pack, lights up, and puffs]
Pineconn: Aw man, this is really hard.
Darth: Crap, here comes Breaker. [The group quickly turns away and toss the cigarettes and lighter into a nearby trash bin]
Jigglysaint: Throw 'em away! [The group's faces are red. Jigglysaint glances back] Here he comes. Guys, stop coughing. [The group stifles their coughs as Breaker draws near]
Breaker: [Stops, then walks around to face the group] What are you doing back here? [The group tries their best to keep their coughs in check] I asked you a question: What are you doing back here?
Darth: ...nothing. I'm just showing them where I met Tom Cruise.
Breaker: Yeah right. Nobody gives a crap about Tom Cruise. Now what are you doing.
Darth: Seriously! Right there, see, [He points to a slight spot on the ground that's a different color] that's where he cried when I told him I preferred Steven Segeal. War Lord'll back me up on this.[Suddenly Pineconn sneezes, and a large amount of snot ends up on his face and jacket] Ah man, that's gross.
PrrKitty: Yeah, ew. [With the stifles broken, the group resume coughing]
Breaker: Have you guys been smoking or something?
Darth: No! No I have not!
Breaker: I mean, it's cool with me. I don't care. You're all over the limit and stuff, right?
Darth: Ok, now I'm getting pissed. [A burst of flame appears behind Breaker in the trash bin] I am totally not smoking. [The other three look a bit alarmed, but Darth's off in his own little world] I've told you that clearly, and you're still prodding us? Where the hell do you get off? [The wall behind the bin burst into flame. The others are getting scared. More of the wall bursts into flames and the flames begin to enter into the building] What the hell is your problem? You just don't trust anyone, do you? [Pineconn nudges him and points to the flames] What? [He realizes] ...oh. Bugger. [The fire alarm goes off and the building empties out the front door]
moocow: [Running with the others] Dammit, third time this has happened! I always attracted the weirdos!

[A few hours later, the building has been gutted by the flames and firefighters are cleaning up. Police are present for crowd control. Inside War Lord's office ...or, rather, the remains of War Lord's office. Only the door and the desk remain. The bookshelves are burnt up except for the bottom shelf. The cabinets are charred. The desk is charred and two of its legs are burnt off. The group is standing before War Lord's charred desk]

War Lord: [Seated behind his desk with Breaker and MottZilla] Well, I'm not happy.
PrrKitty: I have to admit, you're taking it awfully well.
Breaker: Yeah, he took out most of his anger on LightningZ earlier. He's in intensive care, from what I hear.
Jigglysaint: Too good for him, if you ask me.
MottZilla: Yeah, well, we didn't, did we?
War Lord: Now look, I don't care if you were smoking or not-
Darth: I bloody well was not!
War Lord: I wasn't talking to you!
Darth: ...oh.
War Lord: As I was saying, I don't care if you were smoking. But I do care about this place being burnt down!
Pineconn: Yeah, we're really sorry about that-
War Lord: 'Sorry' doesn't bring back my building, does it?
Darth: Actually, there's a German building cement that's called 'sorry', so technically...
MottZilla: Dammit Darth, just stop talking, Ok?
Darth: ...Ok.
War Lord: Right. Now I don't wanna do this, but I think you deserve it - two week bans for the lot of you.
PrrKitty: What? But I've got a New Members to look after!
War Lord: I think Breaker is perfectly capable of coping with your duties for a fortnight.
PrrKitty: Like hell he is! He'll tear them to pieces!
War Lord: Well, you should have thought of that before you smoked, shouldn't you?
PrrKitty: Augh!
Pineconn: Blasted tobacco companies. I blame them for this.
MottZilla: ...you do?
Jigglysaint: [Sensing a chance and going for it] Well, yeah. They're the ones who told us to smoke.
MottZilla: ...so this is actually the tobacco companies fault?
Pineconn: [Picking up on the ruse] Yeah. This is really THEIR fault.
MottZilla: Dammit! No matter how much money the anti-smoking groups spend, the tobacco companies are there to fill people's heads with lies and propaganda that make them wanna smoke.
War Lord: Hey, now come on. This is getting a little off topic, isn't it? We're talking about this place, not whether people have a right to-
Pineconn: Yeah, huh? [He launches into a small demonstration] Ih, it's like the tobacco companies have control of my mind- No. Must. Fight it. Tobacco companies... making me want to smoke. Ah!
MottZilla: Oh, that does it. We need the help of the greatest anti-smoking celebrity that ever lived. Rob Reiner.
PrrKitty: [To Darth] ...who's Rob Reiner?

[Cut to Rob Reiner's Smoke Stoppers. A blue skyscraper flanked by two taller blue towers, with the Hollywood sign in the background. Inside, Rob Reiner speaks to four executives, but he's facing the window. He's reading from some papers]
Rob Reiner: [Breathless, he dabs his forehead] I don't understand it. I pushed a law for higher taxes on cigarettes, I lobbied to get images of cigarettes removed from movies and art, I forced smokers out of bars and parks, but still I get letters from parents saying their kids are doin' it. [He puts the papers on the desk, unwraps a triple cheeseburger, starts eating it, and sits down at his desk] Apparently, people still don't understand how bad smoking people is for them. Don't they know how dangerous it is to their health? [He dabs his forehead head] Don't they know the hazard of second-hand smoke?
Executive 1: According to the letter, sir, this place has a tobacco company quite near them.
Rob Reiner: Yeah, that must be it. [Again with the dabbing the forehead] The tobacco companies, with their millions of dollars and their slick desks and fancy buildings, [The camera pulls out to show the slick desk and fancy building Reiner is in. Reiner dabs his forehead once again] they're the ones making music wanna smoke! [Dabs his forehead yet again, opens another triple cheeseburger and begins munching on that] They're the ones hurting our nation's health! I will not stand by and see the children of America corrupted by those bastards! [I'm getting pretty fed up of saying 'he dabs his forehead'] This is war!!

[Outside the AGN Cafe. People have gathered to greet Reiner when he arrives, and some people have signs saying the same thing as the banner. Other signs say "THANKS ROB!!", "Welcome MEATHEAD!" and "Give 'em hell REINER!" Darth and friends wait by the front door]

Darth: Guys, maybe we should come clean right now and tell everyone that it wasn't the tobacco companies that made you want to smoke.
PrrKitty: ...wha?
Jigglysaint: Why? It's perfect. If everyone's blaming the tobacco companies, then nobody's blaming us.
Pineconn: Yeah, what's the problem?
Darth: Well it's just that, eh, this seems like another one of those times when things are gonna get way out of hands, you know? It's been happening a lot lately. How about this time we just put a stop to it right now?
Jigglysaint: Look, do you wanna be banned for two weeks?
Darth: No, but I think I'd rather take that then deal with another cult.
Pineconn: Don't worry. Things aren't gonna get out of hand.
Warlock: Here he comes!

[Two Smoke Stoppers vans and a big rig pull up to City Hall. Rob Reiner follows in a Cadillac, which stops at the walkway leading up to the front door. Reiner opens the door and tries to get out, but he's stuck]

Rob Reiner: [After a few grunts] Dammit. [He struggles some more, but fails to move any] Butter! [The driver glances back] Butter! [The driver exits the car and walks around the front]
War Lord: I can't believe I agreed to this. You guys have too much push over this place.
Rob Reiner: Butter!! [The driver arrives with a bucket of butter. Rob Reiner grabs a bunch of it and butters himself up. The driver leaves with the butter as Reiner rubs the last of it against the seat of his pants. Reiner struggles once more and pops out of the car, falling to the ground. He stumbles, then rises and stumbles again. This time he stands up and raises his hands in victory. This raises his sweater, and his belly is exposed. He notices this and lowers his sweater. He raises his hands again and his sweater rises. He lowers his hands and walks up to the dais. The mic transmits his breathlessness as he (god dammit) dabs his forehead. His cheeks are rosy from the heat leaving his head] Hello AGN! [The crowd cheers as the gang look at each other] It is so nice to see an entire community come together to fight for good health! And I'm gonna help ya! [The crowd cheers] These poor innocent people have been seduced into smoking tobacco. So I say, "We fight fire with fire!" We're gonna use these guys to bring the tobacco companies down! [Someone shoots some confetti in the air and it rains down over everybody]

War Lord: WAY too much push.

[Inside the AGN Cafe. Reiner sits at a booth with the gang, feverishly eating. moocow comes up with a platter of cheeseburgers and fries]

Rob Reiner: All right guys, here's what we're gonna do. [moocow replaces a cleared platter with the newly loaded one] We're gonna sneak you into the tobacco company by saying you want a tour for a local paper. [He begins eating the burgers and (augh!) dabs his head] Once you're inside, mm, mm, I'm gonna take photos and then we'll publish them, saying that the tobacco company invited you over to seduce you into smoking. Got it?
Jigglysaint: Got it! [Darth and PrrKitty look at each other]
Darth: Look, I... I don't think I wanna be a part of this.
Rob Reiner: Look, we're just leveling out the playing field. [:cry: Dabs his forehead] The tobacco companies lie to you about the dangers of smoking. If we're gonna take them down, we've gotta lie right back! [Begins to sniff around after detecting cigarette smoke, then focuses in on the source. The guys look as well. The source is Glitch, who's wearing a Buds Light Beer hat, enjoying a drink and a smoke in one of the chairs on the other side of the room next to an open window] Oh my God! [He coughs loudly, but fails to get the man's attention. He rises from the booth and walks up to the smoker] Excuse me!
Glitch: Yeah?
Rob Reiner: Would you mind putting that death stick out?!
Glitch: But, uh, War Lord says this is alright if I do it here. [He points to a nearby sign that says 'Smoker's Section']
Rob Reiner: Isn't smoking illegal in here?
War Lord: Not in my town.
Rob Reiner: Oh my God! What kind of backward hick state is this?!
War Lord: Hey!
Glitch: Look man, I work fourteen hours a day at the saw mill. I just got off work and I need to relax.
Rob Reiner: Well when I relax I just go to my vacation house in Hawaii!
Glitch: [Getting irritated] I haven't got a vacation house in Hawaii!
Rob Reiner: Yuh your vacation house in Mexico, then, whatever it is! Look, you are putting my life and everyone else' life in danger by smoking that in here! And I'm not gonna tolerate it! I will end smoking in bars in AGN! There will be no more smoking here! [He marches back over to the table]
Jigglysaint: Isn't he awesome, you guys?
Pineconn: What?!
Jigglysaint: I mean, he just goes around imposing his will on people. He's my idol. [He picks up an onion ring and munches on it]

[Darth Marsden]

...continued...

[The next day, Reiner and the guys approach the front door of a big building. A nearby sign identifies it as the Big Tobacco Co. Headquarters]

Rob Reiner: [He turns to face the gang] All right guys, just do what I tell ya and we'll be able to sue this tobacco company for two billion dollars! [He pulls out a drumstick from his sack and starts eating it] As soon as we get into the main facility, I'll snap the photo of you guys, and we can all run out! Think you can handle it?
Jigglysaint: Handle it? For two billion dollars I'd handle my grandpa's balls, sir.
Darth: Ok, that does it. Screw you guys, I'm going home. [Walks off]
Rob Reiner: ...eh, we don't need him. [He opens the sack and pulls out a blonde wig] Now watch yourselves. These tobacco company people will do anything to get you hooked on smoking. They are liars and they are frauds!

[Big Tobacco Co., headquarters. The front door opens and the four walk in]

Receptionist: Can I help you?
Rob Reiner: [Now wearing the wig he pulled out] Yes. My name is Rita Poon. I called about my reporters wanting a tour.
Executive: [Enters, stage right] Ah, yes, Mrs. Poon. My name's Kevin Harris and I'm the vice president of Big Tobacco.
Rob Reiner: Oh. Hello, Mr. Harris.
Kevin Harris: Well, come on in. [He motions the group to a hallway, which they enter] How about a little history first? [He stops by a portrait of Indians seated around a campfire] Native Americans were the first to cultivate the tobacco plant. They smoked it in pipes for medicinal and ceremonial purposes.
Rob Reiner: [Muttering] Not if I were around, they wouldn't have.
Kevin Harris: Excuse me?
Rob Reiner: Oh, nothing! Please continue.
Kevin Harris: The first successful commercial crop of tobacco was cultivated in Virginia in 1612. [He stops by a portrait of Pilgrims harvesting the crop] Within seven years it was one of the country's largest exports.
Pineconn: So, tobacco helped to build America.
Kevin Harris: That's right. Over the next few centuries the tobacco business was so great that many slaves were brought from Africa to help work the fields.
PrrKitty: Which means, if it weren't for tobacco, many of our black friends wouldn't be here today.
Kevin Harris: [Moves on] And so for centuries, tobacco production flourished. Nobody was even aware of any dangers back then, until, in 1965, [He stops at a framed tobacco warning] when Congress passed an act forcing all tobacco companies to put the Surgeon General's warning on their packages. So now, everyone knows the dangers of smoking. And some people still choose to do it, and we believe that's what being an American is all about.
Pineconn: That sounds perfectly reasonable.
Kevin Harris: And here's one of our factories at work. [He opens the double doors to the factory. The workers begin to sing. Some of them scoop tobacco plants into large tanks. Other collect minced leaves into large wheelbarrows, others keep inventory. They break into song and dance near the end of the song]
Factory workers: With a hidey lidey lidey and a hidey lidey lay
We work and we make cigarettes all hidey lidey day
So folks can get a breaky from their stressful lidey lives
And relaxy with the cigarettes we make all day and night
Young Worker: I like to have a cigarette every now and then [Turns around]
It makes me fee-l calmer when the day is at an end [He hops onto the wheelbarrow and rides away]
Older Worker: And if it gives me cancer when I'm eighty I don't care
Who the hell wants to be ninety anyway?
Factory workers: So with a hidey lidey lidey and a hidey lidey lay
We work and we make cigarettes all hidey lidey day
So folks can get a breaky from their stressful lidey lives
And relaxy with the cigarettes we make all day and night
Kevin Harris: Well, I guess that's the end of our tour.
Rob Reiner: Oh, here guys. Let me get your picture. [The three turn around and Reiner takes the picture] Got it! Ha! You bastards are going down now!
Kevin Harris: What?
Rob Reiner: I'm not Rita Poon! I'm Rob Reiner! [He takes off the wig] And you've just been Reinered! Come on boys, let's make our escape! [He makes a dash for the exit. A worker with a cart of cases of cigarettes is gong about his business] Don't you try and stop us! [He smacks the worker, who goes down cold. He runs further on and picks up another worker over his head, then throws him down onto the floor below. The other workers panic]
Kevin Harris: [Looking down at the mayhem] Oh my God!

[Cut to the Temporary Smoke Stoppers offices, later that night. Reiner and the guys arrive]

Rob Reiner: Oh boy, that was great, really great.
Pineconn: Those people at the tobacco company all seem really nice.
Rob Reiner: Hah, you see that? They got into your head. Now you guys can meet some good, decent people, the folks who work to get smoking banned!

[Inside the Temporary Smoke Stoppers offices, the workers walk around like zombies, or Igor, Dr. Frankenstein's helper. They make grunts as they pass each other. A woman runs off and the man chases after her]

Rob Reiner: [He walks across the room towards a table laden with burgers] This is how we get rid of smokers. [He approaches and grabs a burger] We go state to state and do things like, use bogus studies and make extensive commercials to get the public on our side and force cigarette smokers to stop!
Jigglysaint: Wow. It's like, it's like, smoking brings a lot of people just a little bit of joy and, and you get to take that away from them. [He cuddles up to Reiner] You are so awesome.
Rob Reiner: [He walks up to an employee and hands him the camera. The worker hooks it up to his computer] Here you go Bob. [Explains to the guys] This is Mr. Baffrey. He does all our Photoshop work. [The screen is shown with a picture loading behind a download progress bar] Now, all we have to do is Photoshop cigarettes into your hands! [B][Baffrey does so with surprising ease] And bingo! When this hits the papers the tobacco company is screwed! Hahahaha! [Baffrey joins in the laughter]
PrrKitty: But... you're just making stuff up.
Rob Reiner: [Munching on another burger] You guys need to understand something, Ok? Sometimes lying is Ok. Like, when you know what's good for people more than they do.
Jigglysaint: Oh my God, that is what I've always said. [Motions to Reiner] I love this guy!
Worker: [Walks in with a news feed] Mr. Reiner, your bill to have smoking outlawed at bars here didn't pass.
Rob Reiner: What?! [He grabs the news feed the worker was holding] Goddammit, what the hell is wrong with people in this state?!
Worker: Apparently, several people here still believe there's no proof second-hand smoke can kill you.
Rob Reiner: Well they want proof?! All right, we'll give them proof! Guys, I need one of you to act in a commercial for us! We'll shoot it tomorrow!
Jigglysaint: [Eagerly] Wow, a commercial?
Rob Reiner: And you boys decide which one of you will be best for the part. All right people, we've gotta get moving on the bill to ban smoking in Potsdam! Let's go!
Jigglysaint: God, he's just the best! [He rushes off to follow Reiner] Mr. Reiner, can I get you a muffin? O-or a cold drink, perhaps?

[Pineconn and PrrKitty leave. Cut to outside the Temporary Smoke Stoppers building, where they stop and talk]

PrrKitty: I'm beginning to think Darth had the right idea about this.
Pineconn: Yeah, and Jigglysaint's getting really creepy. I know he hasn't been around lately, but was he always that bad?
PrrKitty: Not THAT bad. Lord only knows what that other place did to him...
Pineconn: So whaddya think. Bail?
PrrKitty: Bail. [The pair start to walk away when Jigglysaint comes out and catches up with them]
Jigglysaint: So guys, looks like only one of us gets to be in the commercial, huh? Who will it be...? The game is on!
Pineconn: Go ahead. We don't wanna be in their stupid commercial.
Jigglysaint: [Confused] Huh? Oh, I get it, Pineconn. That's your Serbian Jew double bluff. Make me think you don't care about being in the commercial so that maybe I won't either. Oops. didn't work, did it, pineconn?
PrrKitty: No, we really want nothing more to do with these people.
Jigglysaint: Oh, sure you don't, Kitty kat. Oh, and neither do I. Oh, I know what you're gonna say next. You're gonna say, "How about none of us show up tomorrow to do it?" And then I'm supposed to agree so that tomorrow you can waltz in all by yourself and do the commercial. That's Serbian Jew double bluff and it ain't [Poke] gonna [Poke] work [Poke] on [Poke] me [Poke] ha [Poke] ha [Poke] ha [Poke]. Only one of us can be in that commercial, folks. The game... is on. [Leaves]
Pineconn: ...wonder what Darth's doing?

[Cut to Darth's house. He's sitting in a comfortable-looking leather chair, reading the Tomorrow Never Dies novelization. Focus on him for a few moments before he looks up at the camera]

Darth: What?

[Cut to the Temporary Smoke Stoppers offices, the next morning. Jigglysaint is at the photo shoot getting makeup, being prepped for the shot]
Rob Reiner: Ok Jiggles, this is going to be real simple. All you gotta do is read the words on the TelePrompTer here. [He motions to the monitor to his right, which has the TelePrompTer ready to go]
Jigglysaint: [Giddily] Heh, ho-okay. [The make-up crew leave]
Rob Reiner: Let's see how the tobacco companies deal with this. [He settles into his director's chair] All right, roll camera. Roll the TelePrompTer. And whenever you're ready, Jiggles.
Jigglysaint: Heh, Ok, Ok. [He takes a deep breath, then strikes a somber pose] You know, some people say there's no proof that second-hand smoke kills. The tobacco companies say there's no proof that second-hand smoke kills. I've just been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. I guess... I'm the proof. The next time you want to believe that second-hand smoke doesn't kill, think about me. Because, by the time you see this commercial, I'll be... dead. [He takes a closer look at that last line, then looks at Reiner] Dead??
Rob Reiner: And cut! Great! We got it! Wrap it up, people. That was fantastic.
Jigglysaint: Uh what... what does that mean, 'I'll be dead'? Hey, uh what, what was that 'dead' part?
Scary Assistant: That was very good, young man. Here, eat this cupcake.
Jigglysaint: Uh, no, thanks. I'm not hungry.
Scary Assistant: But you are. Just eat this one cupcake. It has... sprinkles.
Jigglysaint: [Pushes the cupcake away] I'm not eating the cupcake.
Rob Reiner: [Approaches Jigglysaint] Jiggles, do you know what a hero is? A hero is somebody who sacrifices himself for the good of others. You can be a hero, Jiggles. All you have to do... is eat the cupcake. [The scary assistant moves it towards Jiggles' mouth again]
Jigglysaint: [Realizes what the words he said mean and bolts from the stool] Jesus Christ! HAAAA!
Rob Reiner: [Giving chase] Hey! [Jigglysaint runs out a side door, Reiner follows close behind]

[Cut to Darth's house. Him and the others are in the front room, watching what appears to be Doctor Who. Jigglysaint opens the door, runs in, and closes it quick. He then goes to a window and looks to see if he's being followed]

Darth: [Looking over] What the hell are you doing, Jigglysaint?
Jigglysaint: They're going to kill me! [He walks to the other window and looks out]
PrrKitty: Who's going to kill you?
Jigglysaint: The anti-smoking people! They had me say I died from second-hand smoke and... now they want to sacrifice me to make it look real! They'll stop at nothing!
Darth: Whatever. Go hide somewhere else, you're ruining a perfectly terrible soft-core porn flick.
Jigglysaint: [Draws close] You guys have to help... [Notices the TV] ...what the hell is this?
Pineconn: Abduction of the Daleks.
Jigglysaint: ...oh. [Remembers what he was doing] You gotta help me!
Darth: [Finds the remote and pauses the film. The others sigh in disappointment] Look. You wanted to do the commercial, you got yourself into this mess. Find your own way out of it. And who the hell said you could come into my house?
Jigglysaint: Please!
Darth: No! If you want help that badly, go find it somewhere else.
Jigglysaint: For god's sake, why won't you- wait! If you won't help me, I know someone who will! The tobacco company! They'll help us!
Darth: Help you, you mean! We weren't in the commercial, remember?
Pineconn: Yeah! Go to the tobacco company yourself!
Jigglysaint: Well that's fine. I thought you guys were my friends, but I guess I was wrong! [Crosses his arms]
Darth: Yeah. You were totally wrong.
Pineconn: Hell yeah.
Jigglysaint: You guys, I am seriously gettin' pissed off here! Now come on, we're goin' to the tobacco company.
PrrKitty: [Yielding] Oh, all right.
Darth: No! What we really should do is go to War Lord right now and take responsibility for the cigarettes ourselves. Even if it means getting banned.
Pineconn: Why?
Darth: Because, if we go to the tobacco company, I know exactly what'll happen. They'll take us in, and then Rob Reiner will show up with all the townspeople, holding torches or something, and there'll be a big showdown until we talk about what we learned, and change everyone's minds - this is all following a formula!
Pineconn: So it's either deal with all that, or be grounded for three weeks. [The group stroke their chins in thought]

[Cut to Big Tobacco Co., night. The town arrives with all the townspeople carrying torches and clamoring]

Darth: God-dammit. [Jigglysaint hides behind Mr. Harris upon seeing Rob Reiner]
Rob Reiner: Give us the Jiggles!
Kevin Harris: We will not!
Rob Reiner: There, you see that?! The tobacco company won't give us the kid! And do you know why?! Because they know that if they give us that kid, then we'll kill him! And when our commercial goes on the air, it will lose them business!
Crowd: Yeah! Yeah, that's right!
War Lord: Wait a minute, what?
Rob Reiner: Yeah. When we kill the guy, people are gonna think it's because of second-hand smoke! And then these bastards are all gonna make money, and they know it!
Breaker: Wha- what the hell is wrong with you? That's not right!
Rob Reiner: Oh, God-dammit, do I have to explain this again? Smoking is bad, people! So if we have to be a little extreme to stop it, it's Ok!
Darth: No it isn't, you stupid bastard! Because, I've learned something today. You just hate- [To Pineconn] See, I told you.
Pineconn: Yup.
Darth: You just hate smoking, so you use all your money and power to force others to think like you. And that's called fascism, you tubby asshole!
Rob Reiner: GOD-DAMMIT THERE'LL BE NO MORE SMOKING!!
Pineconn: It wasn't the tobacco companies' fault that we smoked. It was our fault, us! We should all take personal responsibility instead of letting fat fascists like him tell us what to do!
War Lord: Thank you! Took you long enough to admit it.
Glitch: Yeah. Let smokers smoke.
Crowd: Yeah!
MottZilla: Hey Mr. Reiner, why don't YOU Butt Out! [They all laugh]
Rob Reiner: [Holding a big slice of chocolate cake] I'm warning you: don't mess with anti-smoking groups!
Jigglysaint: [Approaches Reiner] I don't idolize you anymore, asshole! [He pulls out a fork and jabs it into Reiner's belly. Reiner begins to deflate as fat gushes out of the punctures Jigglysaint made with the fork]
Rob Reiner: My goo! My precious goo! [Apparently, there were no bones there. All that's left of Reiner is a puddle of fat and the skin it was all in. Jigglysaint returns to the other guys, and the others gather around them]
Mottzilla: So guys, it wasn't the tobacco company that made you wanna smoke?
Darth: Well, not me, but...
Pineconn: No, none of us.
War Lord: Then you're all banned for a fortnight.
Darth: Ah, dammit!

[Majora]

AHHHH!!!! THE LAUGHTER.... IT'S..... UNCONTROLLABLE!!!! AAAAHHHH!

Woah.... pure genius. Wait, was that a SP rip? regardless, GENIUS! If I had flash skills, I would so make that into a cartoon (based on a picture someone would let me use, or their current avatar)

Has War Lord read any of these? Or any of the various people who've shown no sign of it? (I.e. Glitch, bailey, etc.)

[Pineconn]

Haha! That might be your best one yet!

:smoking:

Don't look at me, Darth convinced me.