Darth's Fan-Fiction Thread

[Pineconn]

Oh. My bad.

I did notice you changed a few things. Like what Prrkitty does when I barge in on her and Lolz in the bathroom. You changed the description.

I need to read this again. I planned on copying all the stories and save them to a file, but this saves me a bit of time!

Also: check back tomorrow morning (American time).

I'll be in school.

[Darth Marsden]

Episode V - Closet Case

[A mini-mall, day. We fly through the mall, revealing all kinds of crappy stores, until we land right in front of a Komik Factory. Amaster42, biggiy05, Darth (still wearing that goatee) and Pineconn walk out the front doors]

biggiy05: So what'd you guys get? I got that one where Captain America gets shot. I'm telling you, that's so gonna appreciate.
Amaster42: Eh, I just got a bunch of Batman stuff.
biggiy05: How come you didn't get anything, Darth? I thought you liked comics.
Darth: Yeah, but I'm saving up for a new flat-screen TV, remember?
Amaster42: HA! Saving money, duhhh! [He turns left and walks on. The others follow]
Pineconn: So what should we do now? It's Saturday and we have to have as much fun as possible.
biggiy05: Hey, I know! Let's go play laser tag at FunPlex.
Amaster42: Yeah!
Darth: No, I don't wanna spend any money, you guys. [The group stops] Let's just do something fun that's free.
Amaster42: Darth, you know the first law of physics. Anything that's fun costs at least eight dollars.
biggiy05: Yeah, nothing fun is free.
Darth: Well I don't wanna spend any money.
Amaster42: Ok, whatever. We're gonna go play laser tag. [He, biggiy05 and Pineconn walk off]
Pineconn: Yeah. See ya. [Darth moves on down the sidewalk and passes a Scientology center. In front are a table with two people seated behind it, waiting for prospects]
Woman: Hello, would you like to take a personality test? It's fun and it's free.
Darth: [Stops, thinks, and looks] Excuse me?
Woman: We're doing free personality tests today.
Darth: Uh... what do I have to do?
Woman: Have you heard of Scientology? It's all based on the book, Dianetics. A lot of really cool people are Scientologists, like Tom Cruise and John Travolta. Why don't you come on in and we'll get your fun free personality test started. [She leads him in and walks by one closed door after another] Let's just find an empty room here, lots of people getting free tests today. [She finds an open door and looks in] Hey Brian.
Brian: [Seated at his desk, but rises and walks to the door as the pair arrive] Hey Kelly. How's it going?
Kelly: Great! I want you to meet my new friend, Chris.
Brian: Hey there! How are you?
Darth: Uh, it's Darth. But yeah, I'm... wait, I never told you my name!
Kelly: That's the magic of Scientology!
Darth: ...right.
Kelly: Brian's gonna give you your personality test and then let you know some things about Scientology.
Brian: Good times, good times!
Darth: Look, is this a religion? Because I'm Christian or something. I mean, I'm not a perfect, but still...
Brian: Ho, that's not a problem at all. Scientology is more like an alternative to psychology than a religion.
Darth: Then how come that sign says "Church of Scientology"?
Brian: Oho, that's just this thing: What's the Denver Broncos' record now? Six and two?
Darth: I've no idea, I don;t follow sport.
Brian: Wow! That's great! All right, come on in and take a seat; we're gonna have some fun! [He and Stan enter the room and he changes the sign on his door so it says "Test In Progress." Inside, Brian and Darth take their seats] All right now, I'm just gonna ask you a few questions. Just answer these questions as truthfully as you can, alright? [Picks up a notepad and starts noting Darth's answers] Okay. Number 1: Do you ever make remarks... which you later regret?
Darth: Uhhh, yeah. Sure?
Brian: Uh huh. Would you rather give orders... than take them?
Darth: Yeah?
Brian: Do you ever whistle... just for the fun of it. [The wall clock reads 11:35, then 12:20, and the camera pans down to Brian and Darth] Ohhhkay, and finally, does life sometimes feel vague and confusing to you?
Darth: Not really.
Brian: Hokay, Chris. Well, that's it. That's the end of the personality test.
Darth: For the last time, it's Darth.
Brian: Right, right. Sorry.
Darth: So how did I do?
Brian: Well, I hate to tell you this Chr-Darth, but... you are one messed-up little person.
Darth: ...yeah, I know.
Brian: Yeah, I'm afraid that you are completely miserable and totally depressed.
Darth: Wait, what? I'm not depressed, just a little pissed all my friends ditched me!
Brian: Well there's certainly no question that you are a perfect candidate for Scientology. I think it can really make you happy again.
Darth: [Sighs] Ok, I'll bite. What've I gotta do?
Brian: It's very simple. We just need two hundred and forty dollars.

[The AGN cafe, around dinnertime. Darth is sitting with this week's gang munching toast while they're all eating burgers and chips. Pineconn notices this]

Pineconn: Hey, what's up Darth? Not hungry?
Darth: No, not really. I had this Scientology test today and it said I was totally depressed.
Pineconn: And are you?
Darth: No! Well, not really. I think.
Pineconn: You're not sure?
Darth: Well I don't know! They probably screwed with my head while I was numb from boredom or something.
Pineconn: But you're a Sith Lord!
Darth: Yeah, I know. That's probably why I'm not out there killing people for the cash.
Pineconn: Cash?
Darth: Hmm? Oh, they want two hundred and forty dollars to 'fix' me.
Pineconn: So you're saying that if you weren't one with the Force, you'd be over there right now pawning all your stuff to give them the big bucks?
Darth: ...something like that.
Pineconn: Damn man, I didn't know anyone could screw with your mind.
Darth: I know! It's so messed up! I feel so insignificant.
Pineconn: ...you know what I think? I think we need to find out about these guys. I know LightningZ's got a few hundred bucks on him - go grab it and find out about these Scientologist guys. Think of it as an undercover mission.
Darth: ...yeah. Yeah, that sounds like fun. Ok, I'll do that.

[Darth puts his toast to one side and heads outside. A few moments pass before everyone in the Cafe can hear screams of ] 0h g0d! Mak3 th3 pa1n st0p! It hurt5! 50m30n3 h3lp me! [, but everyone just continues what they were doing. After a minute or so, Darth comes back in covered in blood and grabs his toast. Pineconn looks up at him curiously]

Darth: Hey, I paid for it.

[Cut to The Scientology Center. It's the next day, and Darth returns, a knowing smile on his face]

Kelly: Michelle, our friend Chris wants to have auditing.
Darth: Darth, dammit.
Michelle: Oho good, you're going to be so happy.
Darth: ...right.
Kelly: It's the beginning of a whole new life for you, Chr-Darth. See ya afterwards.
Michelle: Great, so do you have the two hundred and forty dollars? [Darth pulls out the bills and hands them over to Michelle. She counts it and notices that it's slightly red] ...is this blood?
Darth: Yeah. Try not to think about it, that's how most people cope.
Michelle: ...Ok... [She continues counting and realizes that all the money's there] Perfect! We're on our way! [She puts the money in a secure drawer and escorts Chr-Darth...] Come on over here and I'll fill you in on how the Church of Scientology works. [...down a hallway] You see, C-Darth, scientology was founded by a great man named L. Ron Hubbard. [A portrait of him is shown hanging on the wall] Mr. Hubbard discovered that negative emotions are actually caused by things called 'body thetans.'
Darth: 'Body thetans.'
Michelle: Yes! And being the genius that he was, Mr. Hubbard invented a way to get rid of those bad thetans. [They stop by a picture of a portable blue machine with two cylindrical grips plugged into the back] This is called an E-meter. It's the main tool of Scientology. You just grab a hold of these handles as I talk you through past experiences in your life. I'll be taking readings here, and we'll be able to determine your thetan levels.
Darth: Thetan levels.
Michelle: Come on in the auditing room and I'll show you how it works. [Moments later they are in the auditing room. They walk by a row of booths, each with a tester and a testee] All these people are just like you, C-Darth, auditing with E-meters to get rid of their negative emotions. [She reaches an empty booth and sits behind the controls as Darth takes his seat] All right, Darth, I want you to just relax and take hold of the E-meter handles. [Darth grabs them and draws them close]
Darth: So, this is gonna make me happy or what?
Michelle: Just take a few deep breaths, and I'll just get a base reading of your thetan levels. [Darth takes a deep breath and exhales, not quite sure why, then Michelle turns on the machine to take the reading. It reaches a 9.15] Hnh, that's, that's strange.
Darth: What?
Michelle: Somethin-, [She emits a strangely appealing giggle] something's wrong. Brian, could you come over here a second?
Brian: [He appears next to her, as if by magic] Yep- Oh hey there, Chris!
Darth: Darth.
Michelle: Will you... look at his thetan levels?
Brian: Huh, well. We'll get another E-meter - this one's obviously broken. Sorry about this, Greg.

[Cut to the lobby. Moocow has entered to take her own personality test]

Recruiter: And so we just try to analyze your personality, and if it seems like you need some help, then you can have an audit counseling for a nominal fee.
moocow: Well, that sounds pretty reasonable. [Brian comes out of the auditing room nervously]
Brian: Mike, I need to talk to you!
Mike: Excuse me ma'am, I'll be right back. [He and Brian go into the hallway] Are you all right? You're sweating!
Brian: [He shows Mike Darth's E-meter results] Take a look at this.
Mike: [Looks] What is it?
Brian: The E-meter results from the guy in Room D.
Mike: [Leafing through the results] This... this can't be right. [He scans faster]
Brian: We ran the tests four times! We used four different E-meters!
Mike: Fax these results to the head office in Los Angeles. The president has to see thus right away. Go! [He slaps Brian across the back] Now! [Brian leaves]

[Cut to a building. A njearby sign reveals it to be The L. Ron Hubbard's Scientology Celebrity Center. Cut again to an office onside]

Woman: The guy is from a small place called Armageddon, sir.
Man: Sir, how can it be that a first timer scores that kind of thetan level?? He registered OT9! I'm only OT7 and I've been in the church all my life!
President: I've waited... forty-two years... for this day.
Man: ...sir?
President: Don't you all see what this means? There was only one person who EVER registered OT9 in the history of our church. [He looks at something. The others gather to look with him. They look at a framed portrait of L. Ron Hubbard] L. Ron Hubbard said he had lived past lives. That when he died his thetan would show itself again. [He removes Darth's picture from the report and holds it up against the portrait] Our prophet has returned.

[Darth Marsden]

...continued...

[The AGN Cafe, night. War Lord is clearing up the place, putting chairs on tables, etc. Darth is giving him a hand]

Darth: [Sweeping the floor]I still don't see why you had to revoke my Mod status.
War Lord: Look. You may have been keeping the place clean, but [He puts some more chairs on top of a table] that's only because people were too scared to do anything with you around.
Darth: Exactly! Terrify through intimidation!
War Lord: No, I mean anything. The whole area was dying 'cause people were afraid to even attempt starting a conversation.
Darth: ...yeah, I guess I went a bit overboard.
War Lord: Things aren't perfect, but I think Breaker and Co. are doing a pretty good job without you, y'know?
Darth: ...yeah.
War Lord: Hey - could you take out the trash over there? [He points to some nearby garbage bags]
Darth: Yeah, Ok.

[He grabs the garbage bags and steps over to the door. Both hands full, he nods his head and the door opens. He steps out and the camera follows him to reveal a group of people standing outside. Darth hasn't noticed them - he's in his own little world]

Man 2: There he is! [Darth is so surprised by this he drops both bags]
Man 3: Thank you for returning!
Man 4: He's wonderful! [The man starts to cry] He's so wonderful!
War Lord: [Joining Darth at the door] Dammit Darth, what the hell did you do this time?
Darth: I don't know! [A Scientology helicopter lands on the lawn and some officials open the door for the church's president, who exits, walks over to Darth, and kneels down]
President: Hello young man. I'm the head of Scientology. It is... [With great emotion, he bows his head] a great honor to meet you!

[Back inside the Cafe. The officials, Darth and War Lord have entered and are sitting at one of the tables War Lord had recently placed chairs on. He takes the last one down and sits on it himself]

War Lord: Ok. Would someone mind explaining just what's going on?
President: We've been looking for this man for a long time, Mr. Lord. He is the reincarnation of our church's most famous prophet.
Darth: Wait - what?
President: Scientologists the world over are simply rejoicing at his second coming.
War Lord: Look, we don't want any trouble here. We're a simple community and we don't want any random groups here, Ok?
President: We're not asking him to join us, Mr. Lord, we're asking him... to lead us.
Darth: [Looking out the window] Hey - is that John Travolta? [The group go to investigate]
John Travolta: [Speaking in an odd voice as he makes his way through the crowd] Is this where he lives? Is this where L. Ron Hubbart is? Oh my God!
President: Yes, John Travolta and Tom Cruise are big Scientologists. Do you believe me now? [He kneels next to Darth] Young man, I know you don't remember it, but... your name was L. Ron Hubbard. You revealed the secret that began the whole Church of Scientology.
War Lord: Ok Darth, you know what? Go home. I'll handle this. Head out the back way, we don't want any more attention then we've already got. [Darth walks out of shot towards the back, a puzzled look on his face]
Darth: [Emerging from the back of the Cafe] Jesus Christ...
Cruise: [Suddenly appearing in the alley] L. Ron? [He runs up and kneels before Darth] L. Ron! It really is you! [He puts his hands over his heart] Oh, this is the greatest day of my life!
Darth: Ah man, I really don't need this right now.
Cruise: Don't you understand, L. Ron? It's me! Tom Cruise!
Darth: Yeah, I know who you are.
Cruise: Ha-haven't I done well, L. Ron? Haven't you enjoyed my acting? Which film did you like best?
Darth: Well... I mean, you're not... you're not like as good as Leonardo di Caprio, but you're Ok, I guess.
Cruise: ...What?
Darth: I mean, I prefer guys like Steven Segeal, but you're Ok.
Cruise: [Burying his face in his hands] I'm nothing. [He lifts his head again] I'm a failure in the eyes of the Prophet! AAAH! [He runs into the Cafe, heads straight into the closet and closes the door]
Darth: Hey! [Walks inside and heads over to the closet] C'mon man, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.
Cruise: Go away!
Darth: Look, you can't stay here, this is our Cafe!
Cruise: Go away, I said!
Darth: [Walking into the front of the cafe where the others are out into the hall] War Lord! Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!
War Lord: ...what?
Darth: Tom Cruise locked himself in the closet and he won't come out. [War Lord walks out back and tries to open the closet door, then knocks. Darth follows him and looks on]
War Lord: Mr. Cruise? Mr. Cruise, come out of the closet.
Cruise: No!
War Lord: Come on, Mr. Crusie, this is ridiculous.
Cruise: I'm never coming out!
War Lord: [To Darth] What did you say to him?
Darth: I just told him I preferred Steven Segeal films then his.
War Lord: Oh, great. [Knocks on the door again] Mr. Cruise, you can't just stay in the closet, alright? You need to come out.
President: What's going on?
War Lord: Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet.
President: What??
Cruise: Just leave me alone!
War Lord: Well, we CAN'T leave you alone because YOU won't come out of the closet!

[Channel 4 Network News - Evening News. Flashy logo et al]

Anthony: [Obviously promoted to field reporter] It's been four hours now, and Tom Cruise still will not come out of the closet. Hundreds of onlookers here have gathered here in hopes that the celebrity will finally give in.
Breaker: Tom Cruise, this is the AGN moderator! Please come out of the closet. [The Cafe is shown] Everybody here just wants you to come out of the closet, Tom. [Someone takes a picture. The Cafe is shown again] Nobody's gonna be mad, everything's gonna be all right. Just come out of the closet.
Anthony: We're still not exactly sure why Tom Cruise is in the closet, but I'm being joined now by famous singer/songwriter R. Kelly.
R. Kelly: [Singing] Well I was just standing here, and Tom Cruise locked himself in the closet
I asked myself why won't Tom Cruise just come out the closet?
Nobody has no answers, and so I pull out my gun!
[He pulls out a gun and cocks it. Anthony screams and everyone scatters]
Tell my why Tom Cruise in the closet or else I'm gonna shoot someone!

[The front of the AGN Cafe. The church leaders are talking to him and War Lord]

President: Please, understand, we just want what is best for this guy. The reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard must be taken care of. He had many enemies.
War Lord: Wasn't L. Ron Hubbard a science-fiction writer?
President: Yes. But he was also a prophet... who knew the secret truth about the nature of life.
Darth: Oh for the love of...
President: We want to reveal to Darth the great secret of life behind our church. The safely-guarded Scientology doctrine. Please, he deserves to be enlightened.
War Lord: [Somewhat mockingly] ...Darth, do you want to hear the great secret doctrine of life behind Scientology?
Darth: Sure. I could do with a good laugh.
War Lord: Ok, go ahead and tell him.
President: Would you excuse us, please? This is highly-classified church information.
War Lord: What? But this is my...
Darth: C'mon War Lord, let the guy tell his little story.
War Lord: ...fine. But So help me god, if you mess up my Cafe... [He guides the group to his office, where they all sit down. He looks at Darth, who gives him an encouraging smile, and leaves, closing the door behind him]
President: Now usually, to hear the secret doctrine, you have to be in the church for several years, Darth. [Leans in] Are you ready to hear the truth?
Darth: Just get on with it.
President: You see Darth, there is a reason for people feeling sad and depressed. [As he speaks, images flash up, detailing what he describes, A line of text at the bottom of the screen reads 'This is what Scientologists actually believe'] An alien reason. It all began 75 million years ago. Back then there was a galactinc federation of planets which was ruled over by the evil Lord Xenu.
Xenu: Ho ho ho ho ho ho.
President: Xenu thought his galaxy was overpopulated [Xenu gives his orders] and so he rounded up countless aliens from all different planets [The roundup is shown] and then had those aliens frozen. [One by one, the aliens are frozen]
Xenu: [Laughing over his plan] Wa ha ha ha!
President: The frozen alien bodies were loaded onto Xenu's galactic cruisers, which looked like DC-8s, except with rocket engines. The cruisers then took the frozen alien bodies to our planet, to Earth, and dumped them into the volcanoes of Hawaii. [A shot of the frozen aliens encased in ice being dropped from the orange cruisers] The aliens were no longer frozen, they were dead. The souls of those aliens, however, lived on, and all floated up towards the sky. But the evil Lord Xenu had prepared for this.
Xenu: Wa ha ha ha!
President: Xenu didn't want their souls to return! And so he built giant soul-catchers in the sky! [The soul-catchers are shown - they look an awful lot like Cloud City from Star Wars] The souls were taken to a huge soul brain-washing facility, which Xenu had ALSO built on Earth. [The souls are watching a movie screen with 3D glasses] There the souls were forced to watch days of brainwashing material [Egyptian gods, Jesus carrying the Cross, and a bronze Buddha statue are shown] which tricked them into believing a false reality. Xenu then released the alien souls, which roamed the earth aimlessly in a fog of confusion. At the dawn of man, the souls finally found bodies which they can grab onto. They attached themselves to all mankind, which still to this day causes all our fears, our confusions, and our problems. [Cut back to War Lord's office, where Darth is looking at the president in disbelief] L. Ron Hubbard did an amazing thing telling the world this incredible truth. Now all we're asking you to do... [He hands Darth a pen and some paper] is pick up where he left off.
Darth: You're kidding, right? I wouldn't know where to begin.
President: Neither did L. Ron when he started. He said he just closed his eyes, and wrote down whatever came to mind. You can do the same. Just let it flow.
Darth: ...Ok, I'll give it a go. I just wish Tom Cruise would come out of the closet.
President: I know. We've send Nicole Kidman up there to see if she can help.

[Outside the eponymous closet. The sergeant, a photographer, War Lord, and a few other people wait further away from the closet while Nicole Kidman knocks on the door]

Nicole: Tom? Tom, It's Nicole.
Cruise: Ah. Hi Nicole.
Nicole: Tom, don't you think this has gone on long enough? It's time for you to come out of the closet.
Cruise: ...I'm not, I'm not in the closet.
Nicole: Yes you are, Tom. And you need to just end this and come out. [Silence] I'm not gonna think any differently of you. Katie's not gonna think any differently of you. You don't need to be in that closet anymore, Tom.
Cruise: I'm not in here, though.
Nicole: Yes, you are.
Cruise: I'm not, ...I'm not in the closet.
Nicole: Then how am I talking to you, Tom? [Silence] Tom, you can't hide forever just because the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard doesn't like your acting. Come out of the closet, Tom. You're not fooling anyone.
Cruise: I'm, I'm not, I'm not in here.
Nicole: Dammit Tom, get out of the freaking closet already!
Cruise: No!

[Nicole turns to the others and shrugs her shoulders. They all emit sounds of disappointment. Cut to the front of the Cafe, the next morning. Darth is at one of the tables, writing and rewriting. Wads of paper litter the table]

Darth: Hmm... [Gets an idea] Yeah, yeah!
Pineconn: [Walking in from the back of the Cafe] Damn, it's hard getting in here today. Listen, we're gonna go to the movies.
Darth: Sorry, can't. I'm writing a new sacred doctrine for my church.
Pineconn: Look, Darth, we're really getting concerned about this cult that you're getting into.
Darth: Relax, Pineconn! I'm not taking it seriously.
Pineconn: You... you're not?
Darth: Hell no! Check this out. [He hands one of the sheets of paper to Pineconn, who reads and starts sniggering] See? Total piss-take.
Pineconn: So you don't really believe you're the reincarnation of a guy who lived on a boat with only young boys and kept being busted by the feds.
Darth: No freakin' way. I'm just having some fun here.
Pineconn: Huh. Ok. So... no film?
Darth: No film. Sorry. Maybe next time.
Pineconn: Mmmkay then.

[Outside the closet again, later. John Travolta has now joined the effort to get Cruise out of the closet]

Travolta: Tom! Hey Tom, it's John. John Travolta.
Cruise: Oh, hey John.
Travolta: Tom, you've gotta come out of the closet. Oh my Gahd.
Cruise: L. Ron Hubbard doesn't think I'm a great actor.
Travolta: Mm-maybe you took what he said out of context. Ok, 's like, if you don't come out, can I at least come in and talk to you?
Cruise: Oh... Ok, but no tricks.
Travolta: No tricks. [He gives the group standing outside the closet a thumbs-up. The door opens and John goes into the closet] Hey, it's really nice in here.
Cruise: Yeah, see?
Travolta: I feel really safe. Oh my Gahd.
War Lord: [Knocks on the door] John? [He tries to force the door open] Oh dammit all, come out of there, you son of a bitch!

[Cut to outside again. Anthony is reporting on the latest developments, and the crowd of people has grown by about 400%.]

Anthony: Well, it now appears that John Travolta is also in the closet, and he refuses to come out. Here with more details once again, is R. Kelly.
R. Kelly: [Singing again] I was just standing here. Tom Cruise locked himself in the closet
Then John Travolta come and now, John Travolta in the closet too.
Please Tom Cruise and John Travolta come out the closet!
But then I calm myself down, and I pull out my gun!
[He pulls out the gun and cocks it again. Everyone screams and scatters, but the Anthony keeps his composure]
Anthony: Oh great, here we go with the gun again.
R. Kelly: [He grabs a random woman and holds her hostage] If Tom Cruise and John Travolta don't come out the closet, I'm gonna cap this biiitch!

[Back inside the Cafe, the president of the church is reviewing Darth's work. Darth has changed into black jeans and a dark red t-shirt. Combined with the goatee, he looks like a villain from The Bill]
President: Yes... Yes, oh this is great, Darth!
Darth: [Clearly enjoying himself] So, I don't think our followers shouldn't fly in DC-8s anymore because they're too much like Xenu's evil cruisers.
President: Yes, of course! So wonderful!
Darth: And of course, Lord Xenu was recently broken out of galactic jail.
President: Yes, of course!
Darth: And naturally, all the Scientologists should no longer have to pay money to belong.
President: [His joy disappears] What?
Darth: Well, I want to get the message out to as many people as possible, and if we only tell those who pay money what we're all about, it's gonna severely limit the number of people who hear our message.
President: [Turns around] What are you, stupid?! Then how do we make money from those people?!
Darth: ...hang on, this isn't about the message?
President: Wait a minute, whoa, whoa! You don't actually believe this crap, do you?? Dummy! Brainwashed alien souls?? E-meters and thetan levels?? Those people out there buy that crap and I thought YOU were smart enough to see what was really going on!
Darth: Ok, I'm just a little confused here-
President: What's better than telling people a stupid story and having them believe you?! [Darth draws a blank] Having them PAY you for it, stupid!
Darth: So why me? Why do you need me to write something so badly?
President: Because if those people all think you're the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard, then they'll all buy your new writings, and you and I together will make three million dollars!
Darth: Three million dollars?
President: That's how the scam works! But this is a scam on a global scale! Do you get me now?! [He leans in a bit]
Darth: Yeah. Yeah, I get you.
President: Then keep writing, 'L. Ron'! Your people are waiting.

[Back to outside the Cafe. Anthony is playing with a DS when someone hands him a piece of paper. He reads it, then quickly puts the DS away and addresses the camera]

Anthony: Breaking news here at the AGN Cafe. Tom Cruise and John Travolta still... will not come out of the closet. The moderators have decided to try a new method.

[Outside the titular closet. R. Kelly is there awaiting instructions. Breaker signals him towards the closet]

R. Kelly: [Still freakin' singing] I've been asked to come up here, get you both out of the closet
Man, this is some crazy stuff. Why won't you both just come out the closet?
And they said...
Cruise, Travolta: [Also singing]We're not comin' out the closet, so you can just go away.
R. Kelly: But everyone wants you out the closet.
Cruise, Travolta: That doesn't matter 'cause we're gonna stay.
R. Kelly: Now I'm startin' to get angry, so I pull out my gun! [Pulls out the gun and cocks it. Everybody stays exactly as they are - it's clearly a much tougher crowd in here]
I'm gonna give you a count of three to open this closet door.
1. I'm gonna shoot you both.
2. I'm gonna cap some bitch.
3. [The door opens and he approaches it with his gun ready to fire. He looks in, then goes into the closet as well]
Now I'm in the closet. Now I'm in the closet too.

[Outside the AGN Cafe, the next day. The crowd is enormous now, and people have been camping out just to get a glimpse at the new L. Ron. The front door opens and everyone starts murmuring, and the President of the Scientologist group steps out]

President: My fellow Scientologists! Our prophet has finished his new doctrine, and will now read some passages before making it available to you all for a nominal fee. [The crowd cheers] I give you... the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard! [Two officials bow and then spread roses before Darth's feet as he walks down a red carpet towards a marble stand with 'SCIENTOLOGY' engraved along the front. Darth is still wearing the black jeans and red shirt, but he's now got a knee-length black leather coat on as well, and looks suspiciously like Christ's evil twin. The crowd cheers wildly]
Darth: [He waves to the crowd. he's loving every minute of this] Thanks guys, great to be here. Ok, on with the show. First of all, I've written that the brainwashed alien ghosts are actually from a galaxy called Wiigii!
Crowd: Ohhhh.
Man: Wiigii...
Darth: Yeah. Powerful stuff. Next, these aliens that have attached themselves to us... they actually influence us while we sleep and that's what make us so violent!
Crowd: Ahhhh.
Woman: Of course! It all makes sense!
Darth: I know. So in order to purge ourselves of these impure actions, we must beat ourselves!
Crowd: Yeahhhh... what?
Darth: We must beat ourselves until the evil comes out! [He starts ranting and shouting like a madman] We must takes sticks of cane and whip ourselves until there is no more left to whip! And when this is done, we must all lie in a bathtub... a bathtub full of baked beans!
Crowd: You what? Come on! You must be joking! Etc!
Darth: I kid you not! The toxins and chemicals within baked beans are unique in destroying the evil spirits that haunt our every sleeping moment! And once they are destroyed, we shall be free men and women, able to control our own thoughts and actions once more!
Man: I.. guess that makes sense.
Woman: Yeah, I... suppose.
Darth: And once we have all cleansed ourselves, we must - help the helpless! The old, the disabled, the homeless, the poor, the ill and the beaten! We must all abandon our high-flying lives and dedicate ourselves to helping those who are less fortunate then us!

[At this, the crowd goes completely silent and, down to a last man, walks away. From behind Darth, Tom Cruise, John Travolta and R. Kelly all walk out of the AGN Cafe and head down the street, also without a word. The Scientology President looks on in disbelief as everyone abandons the cause]

President: What... what have you done?! You've destroyed everything! All those years of hard work... ruined!
Darth: Well, that's what you get when you try to turn me into a puppet. Now, if you don't mind, [He holds his hand out] I'd like my two hundred and forty dollars back please.
President: What? No way! You've ruined me! All I have left is the clothes on my back!
Darth: ...did I ever tell you I was a Sith Lord? [He stretches out his right hand and his saber flies into it. He ignites it and holds it menacingly at the President]
President: What? No! NO!
Darth: I mean, really. You should have figured it out. Seriously - Darth Marsden? Wasn't that even the remotest bit of a clue?
President: Please! NO!
Darth: The money, please. [He holds out his other arm again]
President: Here, take it! Take it all! [He takes his wallet from his pocket and throws it over to Darth, who catches it in his free hand. This done, he starts to run away, but Darth throws his saber after him. It slices straight through the middle of him and he looks down in disbelief as the saber returns to Darth's waiting hand] Oh. Well, bugger.

[Darth isn't even watching. He's counting the wad of money in the President's wallet. There's a fair chunk of green stuff.]

Darth: Cool. Now I can afford my TV AND a sweet-ass sound system for it too.

[He walks off camera, whistling as he does so.]

[moocow]

I really want to sticky this, but I'm afraid if I do it'll get ignored, like everything else that's stickied.

Awesome, though. Totally <3

[ZTC]

This is so awesome and stuffs. Hmmm... *sends a PM*

[Prrkitty]

Eh... sticky it mooie. It's like the joke thread and gets added to almost on a daily basis.

Just my two cents :)

[Darth Marsden]

Yeah, go for it. Then I'll have two stickied threads. Go me! And don't worry about it being forgotten, I'll be adding to it for a good long while.

...wait, y'hear that? That's the sound of millions of voices screaming out in joy, then being suddenly silenced...

[moocow]

It r stucked.

[Pineconn]

Hehe, great stuff. That's the entertainment for the day! I might as well go to bed now.

[Stungun]

The fourth one was just the wrongest thing ever... o_o I got some chuckles out of the others though.