Merry Christmas, bitches.
Episode XIII - The Fairer Sex
[The optometrist's office. A penguin sits above the OPTOMETRIST sign. Darth and his mother are waiting in the lobby. Dathis busy tinkering with his lightsaber while his mother is reading a 6-month out of date magazine. A poster off to one side reads 'Real eyes the beauty within']
Darth: [Looking at his watch] Christ Mum, we've been here ages! How much longer is this gonna take?
Darth's Mother: I don't know. But be patient, ok? You have to see the eye doctor.
Darth: Don't know why. I'm a freakin' Sith Lord. You don't see Dark Lords of the Sith walking around wearing glasses, do you?
Darth's Mother: Not unless you count your father.
Darth: No, he wore contacts. Big difference.
Doctor's Assistant: [At the door, flatly] Darth Marsden. [A poster behind her looks like her]
Darth: [Entering the examination room] If this isn't over in 10 minutes, your life is forfeit. [The assistant blinks for a few seconds, then follows him in to close the door]
Optometrist: Hello, Darth.
Darth: [Resigned] Hi, Dr. Lott
Dr. Lott: And how's my Sithy Withy today?
Darth: [Pointing his finger at him] You call me that one more time, and I will strangle you to death with your own intestines.
Dr. Lott: Well, someone's in a bad mood today!
Darth: Look, I'm just here for an eye exam, all right?! Keep the stupid jokes to yourself!
Dr. Lott: Ok, ok. Hop up on the chair. [Darth hops up] Don't corrupt it now!
Darth: I swear to god, when I kill you, angels will descend from heaven and sing my praise.
Dr. Lott: O...k. Let's see how your eyes are doing. [Lowers a refractor to Darth's eyes] All you have to do is read the letters. Can you see the letters?
Darth: Yes.
Dr. Lott: All right, read them out for me.
Darth: I am an evil bastard. Hey! [The optometrist laughs. Darth stands up on the chair and pushes the refractor away] That does it! [He reaches for his lightsaber, only to realise that it's still in pieces in the waiting room]
Dr. Lott: No, no. That, that was just a weird coincidence. [His voice fades as he removes the card from the refractor] I honestly don't know how that happened. [Reads the card] 'I am am evil bastard.' Wow! What are the odds of that? [Throws it away] All right, let's get down to business, shall we? [Places the refractor back on Darth's face]
Darth: Yes, lets.
Dr. Lott: [Begins to calibrate] Hmm, let's see, which is better: one, or two? One, or two?
Darth: They look exactly the same.
Dr. Lott: Just pick one. Or two.
Darth: I don't know, two!
Dr. Lott: [Flips between two women] Okay. One, or two? One, or two?
Darth: Is the second one Jordan?
Dr. Lott: I think so.
Darth: Then one.
Dr. Lott: [Flips between a fluffy little bunny and a landspeeder] One, or two? One, or two?
Darth: Two.
Dr. Lott: No! The answer is one, you little hellspawn! One! [He hits Darth through the refractor]
Darth: Oh, I'm gonna need a new optometrist in a minute.
Dr. Lott: [Removes the refractor] Well, all kidding aside, there is obviously a problem with your eyes. I'm gonna have to dilate them and run some tests.
[Sometime later in the AGN Cafe. Pineconn, erm2003 and Amaster42 are waiting to be served]
Pineconn: I wonder where Darth is?
Amaster42: Yeah. He's nearly always here when he's not with the band.
Pineconn: Hey, when's their next gig? I could do with a dose of heavy rock.
erm2003: I think they're broke up. Or they're working on an album. Or something.
Darth: [Enters with very dilated pupils] Actually Dechipher wanted to work on some solo stuff, so we're just chilling for the moment.
Amaster42: [Squinting hard for a better look] Whoa, what happened to your eyes, man?
Darth: Ruddy eye doctor made them all dilated.
erm2003: Why?
Darth: Why? Well, because he's an idiot, a-a-and that's about it.
Pineconn: Why do you have to see an eye doctor?
Darth: Because, apparently, my eyes suck. But that doctor likes to torture me and I have to go back tomorrow, and I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Amaster42: Hey, didn't Archibaldo have his eyes tested recently? Why don't you just ask him for advice?
Darth: Hey, that's a good idea. [The four leave and head for Archibaldo's pad. Darth walks into several tables as he does so. Eventually, they reach Archibaldo's house. They knock on the door, only to be met by a bunch of black gangstas]
Gangstas: Word up, yo.
Pineconn: Uh...
Gangstas: Whatchu want, playas?
Darth: I'll handle this. [To the gangstas] Hey dogs. Me an' ma crew wanna know where dat foo' who's crib this was is at.
Gangstas: That cracker? He up an' left this pad for that white trash ho o' his, man.
Darth: Fo real?
Gangstas: Straight up, dawg.
Darth: Crazy ass foo'.
Gangstas: Fo shure.
Darth: A'right, much love, brother. Peace out.
Gangstas: Word to yo momma. [They close the door and Darth addresses the others]
Darth: Ok, first of all - we have gangstas now? Sweet.
erm2003: Archibaldo?
Darth: Right. He moved in with his girlfriend. Rebecca, I think her name was.
Pineconn: Kelly.
Darth: Yeah, Which is short for Rebecca.
Amaster42: ...whatever. Where did she live again?
[Sometime later. They're in a completely different city, although which one, we've never been told. Re-read Episode X, see if I'm not right. Anyway. The group approaches a small house surrounded by a garden. Y'know, the sort you see in Better Homes and Garden magazine. Amaster42 rings the doorbell and Archibaldo, wrapped in a lavender towel, opens the door]
Archibaldo: Oh! Hey guys.
erm2003: What the hell are you doing? We've been searching for you for hours!
Archibaldo: I did leave a note with the guys who bought the house.
Pineconn: The gangstas?
Archibaldo: They were gangstas? ...well, that certainly explains a lot.
Amaster42: Look, what's all this about moving in with someone?
Archibaldo: Right, Kelly.
Pineconn: But wait... didn't she think a long-distance relationship wouldn't work?
Archibaldo: Right. But we both really liked each other, so...
erm2003: Well, that's fine, but we have a problem. Darth's got this really annoying eye doctor, and we thought- [Is interrupted by Kelly appearing besides Archibaldo in the doorway]
Kelly: Who is it, dear? [Sees] Oh, hey guys! How are you?
All 4: Bad.
Kelly: Aw! How so?
Darth: Well, apparently there's something wrong with my eyes, but the only eye doctor around is a real bastard. [Kelly stiffens at the word 'bastard', and Archibaldo coughs and leans in to Darth]
Archibaldo: [Quietly - not quite whispering, but not quite talking normally] Listen, do you think you could watch your language around Kelly?
Darth: [Equally quiet] ...no.
Kelly: Well, bad language aside... [She clears her throat] ...I have to say, I think I know the guy you're talking about. And the solution is to just kill him-
Darth: Good as done!
Kelly: ...I meant with kindness. [Darth just stares at her, as if the word was a mystery to him] Y'know, be nice to him? [Darth keeps staring at her] Y'know? [Still staring] ...maybe if we sang it, Archy?
Archibaldo: Yeah, that might make more sense to him.
Kelly: Especially now that he's a big rock star, eh? [The pair laugh as the others look on in shock and horror]
Pineconn: But... you hate the name 'Archy'...
Kelly: Pulls a guitar from somewhere] Now, how did it go? Playing the guitar and singing
There's got to be a morning after
if we can hold on to the night
[Archibaldo: [Joining in]
We have a chance to find the sunshine.
Let's keep on looking for the light.
Darth: Urge to kill rising...
[Sometime later. The group are sitting on the kerb, looking dismayed]
Amaster42: That bitch!
Pineconn: She's stealing Archibaldo from us.
erm2003: He didn't even seem like Archibaldo. He seemed like a empty shell of a man.
Darth: Maybe it's just a phase. We just have to get him alone so we can tell him what a bad influence she is.
Pineconn: Wait, wait. [All pensive like] Maybe, is it possible that we're just jealous because Archibaldo is our friend, and now he's paying attention to somebody new? [The others think about it]
Darth: Yeah, so?
Pineconn: Yeah, screw that bitch.
erm2003: Look, we've just gotta get Archibaldo alone. He won't listen to reason with that hooker around.
Amaster42: Let's find out where he's working and go see him there tomorrow.
Pineconn: Good idea.
[The next day, inside the optometrist's office. Dr. Lott sits in the examination room holding a clipboard]
Dr. Lott: All right, we got the test results back, Sithy-
Darth: [Sitting on the chair, his pupils normal again] Stop calling me that!
Dr. Lott: You've got a small astigmatism that's causing all the problems.
Darth: So, what does that mean?
Dr. Lott: It means, my little Lord of Chaos, that your eyesight is never going to get better.
Darth: [Furious, but valiantly struggling to remain calm on the outside] All right. Right now, I'm gonna be totally serious. Ok? If you call me Sithy, or a Lord of Chaos, or anything even remotely along those lines one more time, I'm gonna leap out of this chair, rip your nuts off with my bare hands and make you choke to death on them. Ok?
Dr. Lott: Well, don't worry. I've got something that's going to make your eyes as good as new. [He puts a pair of blocky glasses on Darth]
Darth: [Seeing how they look and fit] Oh no. Just, no. I am not wearing these.
Dr. Lott: I know, the hardest thing to do is get folks to wear their glasses.
Darth: I'm just gonna take them off as soon as I leave.
Dr. Lott: Well, that's why we have the little stapler. [He takes it out and starts stapling the glasses to Darth's head]
Darth: Ow! You... Right, that's it. You're gonna wake up tomorrow completely limbless! You hear me! LIMBLESS!
[Later on, in a business district looking area, Amaster42, erm2003 and Pineconn are walking down, checking all the buildings]
Pineconn: Ok, War Lord said that Archibaldo works in one of these buildings. [The gang run into Darth in front of Steinburg & Burgstein Accounting]
Darth: Hey guys. [Darth is now wearing a pair of much more fashionable glasses, much smaller then the ones originally stapled to his head]
Amaster42: Hey, nice glasses.
Darth: Yeah, it's amazing what you can do with a blowtorch and a screwdriver.
[The group head inside. Entering, they see the receptionist]
Receptionist: Hello and welcome to Steinburg & Burgstein. Can I help you?
Pineconn: We wanna talk to Archibaldo.
Receptionist: Archibaldo?
Amaster42: He's a big guy, lot of attitude.
erm2003: Would have started fairly recently.
Darth: Totally whipped.
Receptionist: Oh! You mean Mason!
erm2003: Huh?
Receptionist: Third cubicle on the left [He directs them to the work area, where Archibaldo's hair can just be seen over the top of the cubicle. The others move over to him, but the receptionist stops Darth] Hey! Aren't you that cute little kid from Jerry Maguire?
Darth: [Dismissively] Huh? Uh, yeah, sure sure.
Receptionist: Wow! You really got fat. [At this, Darth pulls out his saber and beheads the receptionist. Looking at his work with a satisfied smile, he puts the saber away and joins the others]
Archibaldo: [Realising he has visitors] Oh, hey guys.
All 4: Hey.
Archibaldo: Hey, nice glasses, Darth!
erm2003: Ok, enough pleasantries. You have to dump the bitch!
Archibaldo: Huh?
Amaster42: Yeah, we need you, man.
Man: [Pops up from another cubicle] Hey, Archy, we're gonna run down to the office supply store and get some leather holders for our pagers, you wanna come?
Archibaldo: You bet! [The guy grins]
Darth: Dammit man, this place isn't you!
Archibaldo: Guys, Kelly showed me that I've been living a very empty life. Meaningless sex is fun for a couple of years, but after that, it starts to get old.
erm2003: But we don't like her.
Archibaldo: Why not?
erm2003: ...I don't know. No reason I guess.
Archibaldo: Guys, friends get girlfriends all the time. It's something even you will have to face with each other some day.
Darth: You know what? I don't even care about that. I don't know what to do about my stupid glasses.
Archibaldo: You don't want 'em?
Darth: Not bloody likely.
Archibaldo: Well, then get laser corrective surgery. That's what I did.
Darth: Laser corrective surgery! Now why didn't I think of that? [Smacks head] Thanks!
Archibaldo: See? Everything's gonna be fine. Now how about I meet you guys after work and we can play ball?
All 4: Ok!
[The Forum Games section. The group wait for Archibaldo. Darth carries a bat in his right hand and a baseball in his left]
Pineconn: Archibaldo'll be here any minute.
[Day passes into night, and erm2003 falls asleep. The others stand watch waiting for Archibaldo, but there's no sign of him. The night turns to day, and still no Archy. erm2003 wakes up]
Amaster42: [Pissed] He bailed on us!
Pineconn: [Pissed] I can't believe it!
Darth: That's it. Come on. [They leave the Forum Games section and head for Archibaldo's house.]
[Archibaldo's house, inside. There's a knock on the door and the man himself answers. The boys stand outside, angry]
Archibaldo: Oh! Uh, hey guys.
erm2003: All right, mister! You better have a good explanation for why you didn't show up to play ball!
Archibaldo: Oh, I'm sorry! I completely forgot!
AMaster42: [Sarcasticly] You forgot!
Archibaldo: Kelly surprised me at the office and took me out to dinner. [Dreamily] She's so amazing.
Darth: Yeah? Well, let me tell you something about your precious Kelly, you son of a-
Kelly: [Appears behind Archibaldo] Hey guys!
Darth: Uh, we're kind of having a guy moment here, if you don't mind?
Archibaldo: Guys, I've got some great news for you. Kelly and I are getting married. [DRAMATIC RIFF!!!]
Pineconn: Oh no. No nononononono!
Archibaldo: My whole family's coming here for the wedding, and I want you guys to be there as well.
Kelly: This is so wonderful! Let's sing! [She gets the guitar]
There's got to be a morning after.
Archibaldo: If we can hold on through the night.
We have a chance to find the sunshine.
More after Christmas...
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