Darth's Fan-Fiction Thread

[Darth Marsden]

This is just a repost of all my South Park stories that I've posted throughout the forum (4 at the time of writing). Since one of the threads I posted them in has been closed and the other is dying a slow death, I figured it'd be a good time to put all my stories into one place.

If any mods don't approve of this, please let me know and I'll stop. Otherwise...

Episode I - Not Dead Yet
Yeah, that's what I called it.

[Day. A crowd is gathered under a "Memorial Service" banner located in the middle of a street and listening to a suited-up War Lord as he delivers a service. Darth Marsden, Glenn The Great, Beldaran and Lilith are there among the crowd, in their funeral best]

War Lord: Friends, we gather in this place to mourn the victims of yesterday's tragedy: nine good people who were run over in the street by an elderly woman driver.
Darth Marsden: God, this is boring.
Glenn the Great: You insensitive asshole! Nine people died!
Darth: Yeah, but 8 of them were Star Trek fans. Who cares about Star Trek? Star Trek sucks.
Lilith: What, more then Episode I?
Darth: ...shut up.
War Lord: It is sometimes hard, in times like these, to understand God's way. Why would he allow nine innocent people to be run down in the prime of their lives by a senior citizen who, perhaps, shouldn't be driving? It is then that we must understand, God's sense of humor is very different from our own. He does not laugh at the simple "man walks into a bar" joke. No, God needs complex irony and subtle farcical twists that seem macabre to you and me. All that we can hope for is that God got his good laugh and a tragedy such as this will never happen again.

[Screeching tires are heard. Franpa runs into the crowd]

Franpa: Elderly driver! ELDERLY DRIVER!

[People panic and start running as an elderly driver runs his car into the middle of the street. He runs over several people and crashes into a light standard at the other end of the street]

Elderly Driver: Did I just hit a pot hole?

[CUT TO: Television News Report. A splash screen shows various correspondents and anchors, and a globe spins in front of the montage. Y'know, like in all self-important news reports]

Anthony: Another series of deaths tonight by a senior citizen motorist. Barney Calhoon of New Mexico, Carl Johnson of San Andreas and Miles Prowler of Mobius were killed instantly when struck by a vehicle driven by Pete Malman, who was trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet. This latest tragedy comes only two days after the accident in Deer Creek, where three construction workers and a bulldozer [Shown] were run down by senior citizen Paul Thom [Shown, irate], who was trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet. Public outcry is forcing the DMV to consider suspending the licenses of all seniors over seventy, where Pineconn is live. Pineconn?

[CUT TO: Pineconn, reporting from the DMV]

Pineconn: Thanks Anthony. I'm standing outside of the Department of Motor Vehicles, where officials have just declared that Senior Citizens have until three p.m. to hand over their driver's licenses. The new law was passed just hours after what we in the business are calling 'The Day of Death', mostly because it sounds impressive. Back to you, Ant.
Anthony: Thanks, Pineconn. And don't call me Ant, idiot.

[DMV, inside. A poster on the wall says "Drive 65 MPH. Stay alive." {DSG}DarkRaven, ShadowTiger and Elise sit at a table taking the licenses seniors standing in line give them. ShadowTiger takes a license from an elderly man]
ShadowTiger: Alrighty. [Cuts it in two and drops the halves into a box] There we go. Next? [A fat elderly lady approaches, then the elderly man with the walker]
Elderly Lady: It ain't right what you're doin'! I never had an accident in my life! You shouldn't punish all of us!
Elise: but this is the only way to be sure. Next please. [Cuts up another license] There we go.
Elderly Man: But how am I supposed to get to the grocery store? Or the pharmacy to buy medicine?
{DSG}DarkRaven: Well, maybe you should be in a nursing home. Hmmm?
Elderly Man: Some of us would rather die!
{DSG}DarkRaven: Well, we can certainly help you with that, too.
Elderly Man: Bah! [Walks off]
Elise: Next!

[Beldaran's house, around midday. The gang are just leaving.]

Darth: Isn't this great, you guys? Being able to walk the streets now that old people are confined to their homes where they belong?

[The group all turn and stare at Darth.]

Darth: Yeah, that didn't sound so harsh in my head.

[The group continue onwards. As they move away from Beldaran's house, an elderly figure emerges from the front door.]

Beldaran's Grandad: Billy, get in the car! I need you boys to help me pick up my new Hov-Around.
Beldaran:Uh, Grandpa, I don't think you should be driving.
Grandad: God-damnit Billy! You're supposed to listen to your dad, right?! Well I'm your dad's dad, and that means you get in this car before I tan all your hides!
Lilith: Well, look at it this way guys: statistically speaking, we're safer inside a car with an old person driving than we would be on the outside.
Darth: ...dammit, I hate it when she's right. I call shotgun!

[The gang climb in, strap themselves in, and Glenn the Great offers a quick prayer]

Glenn: Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee, even though I walk through the valley of death. [Beldaran's Grandad starts up the car and groans a bit] Guys, I don't know if I ever told you this, but, well, I love you guys. [Pause] Except for you, Darth.
Darth: Damn straight.
Grandad: Okay, all set?

[Beldaran's Grandad backs out of the a driveway, and an oncoming car honks at him. The driver screams something at him. Pretty soon, other cars and trucks are doing their best to avoid him. Cars begin crashing and flying through the air. The gang wince at every accident, and after a few minutes a police cruiser catches up to them]
Beldaran: Ah, I think there's a police car behind you, Grandpa.
Grandad: Eh? [Signals to the officer] Go around. Go around, you moron!
Officer Rijuhn: Blue Impala, pull your vehicle over!
Glenn: Is that us? Oh please God, let that be us!
Darth: Yeah, that's us.
Glenn: Praise the Lord!

Beldaran's Grandad pulls over to the side and stops. Officer Rijuhn stops as well and approaches the driver side.]

Officer Rijuhn: Could I see your license, please?
Grandad: I ain't got one! You peckers took it!
Officer Rijuhn: Well then, I have to take you to jail.
Grandad: You just try taking me to jail, scrotum-head! You just try!

Beldaran's Grandad starts whacking Officer Rijuhn with his cane. Beldaran holds his head in his hands while the others look on in shock. Officer Rijuhn backs away from the cane, takes his pistol and fires it into the air, at which point Beldaran's Grandad throws his cane out of the car window and put his hands in the air. Beldaran looks up at the others and shrugs his sholders as if to say 'What can you do?']
[CUT TO: Police jail. Beldaran's Grandad sits behind bars with a cane.]

Grandad: Big tough guy with a gun. Why in my day, we fought with sharpened sticks, miserable...
Officer Rijuhn: I just got him right here, Beldaran.
Beldaran: Well, good job, Grandad. Look what happened. I told you not to drive, but would you listen to me? No!
Grandad: Oh God damnit, don't you dare lecture me, Billy!
Beldaran: You just had to be so damn stubborn, didn't you?!
Grandad: Great. Now my own Grandson is gonna talk to me like I was younger than him.
Beldaran: I'm not gonna treat you like a child, Grandad. All right? Now I think you owe Mr. Police Officer an apology. Who needs to apologize, hm? [He wags his finger at his Grandad] Who's the sorry-sorry?
Grandad: Kiss my old, wrinkled ass!
Beldaran: Oh, y'know what? I was gonna bail you out, but maybe you can just sit here for a bit and think about what you did!
Grandad: Well I won't be sitting here long! I've already called the AARP!
Beldaran: The who-what now?
Grandad: The American Association of Retired Persons! The largest political group in the country! When seniors like me are bein' descriminated against, the AARP comes and sets it right! And you're gonna be sorry when they get here!

[The AGN cafe. The gang, along with other regulars, are all hanging out, listening to War Lord performing his latest rap.]

War Lord: So I take my gun and I point it at him
And he's screaming at me 'Don't kill me, please!'
But I'm not listening and I fire a round
Hits him in the chest and he hits the ground
Blood is pouring all over the place
And I... I... [He's distracted by something. One or two people follow his eyeline and see elderly paratroopers drifting down onto the pavement outside. The gangs' eyes follow him] Huh. Those ROTC guys are way off course. [The paratroopers open their cargo boxes and unload firearms]

Darth: Holy crap! More old people!
Beldaran: [Realising]The American Association of Retired Persons. Jesus, I thought he was rambling about the good ol' days again - I didn't realise he meant it!

[War Lord heads outside, bidding the others to stay where they are. One of the old folks, an incredibly old woman smacks him across the face with the butt of her semiautomatic, and he goes down in pain on one knee. The seniors begin firing away, with rifles, semiautomatics, whatever. The gang look on and gasp]

Glenn: Old people gone mad! It's the end of the world as we know it!

[U.S. Geological Service. PrrKitty sits at her desk making notes when she hears the soft rustling of tarp on snow. She spins around in her chair to see more AARP paratroopers. She rises in disbelief. A gas canister flies through the window and unleashes its fumes. PrrKitty starts coughing. The door flies open and some AARP paratroopers walk in wearing gas masks.]

AARP Member: Contact. [Quickly aims her machine gun at PrrKitty] Put your hands up, young lady!

[She does so and is subsequently marched out into the street. CUT TO: Jail. Beldaran's Grandad is looking out his small cell window when the AARP enters and approach the cell. A man steps forward from the group.]

AARP Leader: I'm Bill Stewart, President of the AARP. Hu-we've come to help the seniors in this town fight back.
Grandad: Oh, it's nice to meet ya, Bill.
Bill: Huh?? We came as fast as we could. We just had to stop by Country Kitchen Buffet first. Mmm!

[The center of town, day. One of the members brings Beldaran forward]
Beldaran: What the hell is going on?!
AARP member: Shut your piehole and get over there!

[Beldaran moves forward and joins the other hostages. PrrKitty sidles up to him]

Prrkitty: Beldaran, what is this?
Bill: Hey! You are now under the authority of the AARP!
Grandad: Ha! There you go, Mr. Smartmouth! Look at you now!
Beldaran: Grandad, what are you doing??
Grandad: The AARP is gonna help us take this town until we get our licenses back!
Elderly Woman: Yeah, and we're gonna ask for more money in Medi-Care, too!
biggiy05: Have you all got Alzheimer's? The-they're not gonna listen to a bunch of whacked out senior citizens.
Bill: Heh?? We'll tell them if they don't give us our demands, we'll start killin' hostages!
biggiy05: Huh, right. They're gonna really believe that.

[The elderly woman next to him simply lifts her gun and fires at biggiy point blank. He falls down dead. The crowd express shock and anger, for some reason]

Grandad: Isn't that a little extreme, Bill?
Bill: Heh?? No, we gotta be tough! Just like with those damned Japs!
Beldaran: This is insane, Grandad! It was bad enough when Darth went on that killing spree, but this? You all need to stop right now before more people get hurt!
Grandad: The time when you can tell me what to do is over, pucky-boy! We're in charge now!

[Some time later. The town is now an encampment, protected by barbed wire, sandbags, and metal shields. A woman with an IV unit stands behind some sandbags.]

Grandad: All right, we've got control of the Mayor's office and the fire station.
AARP member: Reinforcements have arrived from the nursing home in Conifer.
Bill: Good! Hell, us senior citizens could take over the entire country!
AARP lookout: We've got company!

[Outside the blockade, a huge number of military jeeps, vans and tanks arrive. They pull up outside the barriers and a number of soldiers get out, arming their weapons at the walls. An officer gets out of a jeep and takes out a megaphone.]

Officer: Attention seniors: lay down your weapons and turns yourselves over!
Bill: Mrs. Applegate, show 'em we mean business.
Mrs. Applegate: All right.

[Mrs Applegate is carrying a rocket launcher. At Bill's request, she fires the rocket and falls back from the recoil. The rocket heads for a Jeep full of troops. The troops scramble off. The rocket strikes and demolishes the Jeep, killing one of the soldiers, who's head lands in the lap of another soldier, who instantly starts screaming and running around histerically. Eventually the officer manages to regain composure and retakes the megaphone.]

Officer: What do you want?
Bill: Heh??
Grandad: We want our licenses back! [Sounds of approval from the other seniors]
Elderly Woman: That's right. And we want more money and Medi-Care! [More shouts of approval]
Elderly Man: And we want those damned kids to stop skateboardin' on the sidewalk! [The shout of approval are, quite literally, deafening.]

[Nighttime, the drive-in. All adults who are not senior citizens have been gathered into an enclosure around the massive screen. Two seniors stand guard at the gates, other seniors keep the adults in line. The adults are cold. Some cough, some try to keep warm by burning tires inside empty gas drums. Beldaran is one of those warming his hands over a fire, along with Glenn the Great and Lilith. He moans. Darth snakes up to the side of the encampment where the group is, having not been arrested]

Darth: Hey guys.
Beldaran: Darth! You... you're OK! How did they not catch you?
Darth: I'm a freakin' Sith Lord, OK? God, I've been in this freakin' place for years, you'd think people would know me by now! Hopeless, the bloody lot of you. Hopeless!
Lilith: Shh! They'll hear you!
Darth: Yeah, right. None of them have their hearing aids in, y'know.
Glenn: ...that explains a lot.
Darth: Look, how the hell did they get you guys? I thought you were all better than that!
Lilith: We tried to stop them, but... the seniors get up so early in the morning they... get everything done before everyone else is even awake! It's insane!
Glenn: I heard them saying something about taking over the entire country - could they really do that?
Beldaran: Seeing how early they get up, I don't see how anyone can stop them. Wait a minute... when do you get up, Darth?
Darth: I'm always up. I haven't slept since 1994.
Lilith: Seriously? How the hell do you stay awake?
Darth: Caffine. Lots and lots of caffine.
Lilith: ...so that's why you're always drinking Red Bull. I did wonder.
Beldaran: Look Darth, you've got to stop them! We can't do anything stuck in here! [He looks back, alarmed - more prisoners are being herded into the 'camp'] Dammit, they're coming! Quick, get out of here before they see you!
Darth: Christ, leave it to the resident Dark Lord of the Sith to solve all your problems. You guys owe me big time. [Darth turns and leaves. ShadowTiger notices and runs right up to the wires.]
ShadowTiger: Avenge me Darth! AVENGE ME!!!

[The drive-in, 6:45. Everyone is still asleep. CUT TO Darth, who's striking a dramatic pose on top of a building just as the sun's rising. It looks like a comic book cover. Suddenly Darth leaps off and lands on one of those tarpin covers. Rather then bounce off, it tears and he falls straight through, landing arkwardly on his arm. He moans in pain, gets up and quickly runs off, clutching his shoulder. Meanwhile, the old folks are forming in the center of town.]

Bill: Alright. If we're gonna do this, we'll have to do it quickly.
AARP Member: That'll be a problem.
Bill: Huh?? Well, as quickly as we can. First, we kill all the young people. Then, we move on to the next town!
AARP Members: Yeah! That's the ticket! We'll show them who's in charge! Etc!
Beldaran's Grandad: [Looking apalled] You're actually going to go through with this? You're... you're insane!
Bill: Don't you label me with that young person slander! We're taking back this country, with or without you! Now c'mon everyone! Let's move!

[The crowd start moving. Slowly. Beldaran's Grandad looks on, aghast, as they move. Zoom out to Darth, who's watching this from side street.]

Darth: Not in my town.

[He slinks back into the shadows. CUT TO the crowd, very slowly moving along towards the drive-in, where everyone is still asleep. The one at the very back is suddenly pulled into a side alley by Darth, who bonks her over the head with a nearby trashcan. After he bashes her, he grabs at his shoulder, obviously in pain. He probes it with his hand and after a minutes lets out an 'Ohh' of realisation, then yanks the shoulder forward suddenly. There's a loud pop as the bone pops back into its socket. He utters the word 'Mommy' quite pathetically before coming to his senses and moving on. CUT TO the drive-in. Bill has finally reached the compound and he eyes all the still-sleeping people inside. He grins maniacally.]

Bill: Ah yes, young hooligans. You'll never oppress us again. Come on folks! Let's show them what we're made off!

[He turns round, only to find that there's one elderly woman still there. He looks on in amazement.]

Bill: Wha... where's everyone else?
AARP Member: I... I don't know. They were right behind me a minute ago...

[Suddenly a brick comes flying from offscreen and conks her on the head. She falls down unconcious as Darth Marsden walks into the shot.]

Darth: It's over. Don't make me hurt you... much.
Bill: Huh?? You... did you take everyone out?
Darth: Well, it wasn't hard. You were moving so slowly I managed to finish off War and Peace in between knockouts. Dunno why it's got such a good rep, it's dull as hell, that book.
Bill: Well, I'm not going down without a fight! Put 'em up, you young scalliwag!

[He puts up his fists in an attempted manner to be imposing. Darth merely ignites his lightsaber and walks up to him. As he feebly throws a punch, Darth slices off his arm. It falls to the ground and the hand twitches into giving him the finger before dying. Darth looks up and smiles.]

Darth: Now stand aside, you old fool.
Bill: Huh?? 'Tis but a scratch.
Darth: A scratch? Your arm's off!
Bill: No, it isn't.
Darth: Well what's that then? [He points to the severed arm]
Bill: ...I've had worse.
Darth: Bollocks you have!
Bill: Come on, you young pansy!

[He throws his other arm at Darth, who slices it off just as easily. It too gives him the finger after it hits the floor.]

Darth: Hah! Victory is mine, old man.
Bill: Huh?? Come on, then. Have at you!
Darth: You what? Look, I'll give credit where it's due, but I've beaten you, ok?
Bill: Oh, had enough, eh?
Darth: Look you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!
Bill: Yes, I have.
Darth: Look at them! [He points to the pair lying on the ground]
Bill: Just a flesh wound. [He starts kicking Darth]
Darth: Stop that.
Bill: Oh, chicken, eh? [Keeps kicking Darth] Chicken!
Darth: If you don't pack that in I'll lop your leg off.

[Bill kicks Darth again and so off it comes. It lands on the floor next to the left arm. Darth turns the lightsaber off - it's clearly over.]

Bill: Right! I'll do you for that!
Darth: What are you gonna do, bleed on me?
Bill: Huh?? Ooo, you young hippie, I'll tear you to pieces, just like I did in Nam!

[Bill hops over to Darth and butts him with his head. Darth can't quite believe this and is about to walk away when Bill headbutts him again. Irritated he turns the lightsaber on again and slices off Bill's remaining leg. He falls to the ground, somehow managing to stay upright. Bill looks over his limbs now lying on the ground.]

Bill: Alright, we'll call it a draw.
Darth: ...whatever. [He starts walking past Bill towards the drive-in]
Bill: Oh... oh, I see! Running away, eh? You yellow-livered coward! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!
Darth: [Now in the distance] Shut up!

[Some time later. The Army is milling around the area, picking up the pensioners that Darth had taken out. They pass by in the background during the rest of this scene, and are decorated in a variety of items - one is trapped in the middle of a flower garden, another has a vase rammed over their head, a third is forced to hop as their legs have been tied together with a garden hose, that sort of thing. The officer from before walks over to Darth, talking into a walkie-talkie as he does so.]
Officer: All right everyone, area secure. Collect their weapons and free the hostages. [He lowers the walkie-talkie] Well, good work Darth. You may very well have saved this entire country.
Beldaran: Walks into shot along with PrrKitty, Lilith and Elise, rubbing his eyes as if he's just woken up]Whoa-ho-ho-ooh, what happened? Is it over?
Officer: Everything is fine. Control of the town is back to you folks.
Soldier: [Escorting Beldaran's Grandad up to the group] What do you want to do with this one, sir?
Officer: Well, I guess that's up to the townsfolk.
Beldaran: Well, I think he learned his lesson. Huh? Don't you feel silly now, Grandad? I think somebody owes us all an apology. Yes he does.
Elise: Oh, stop it! This was partly your fault!
Beldaran: Huh??
Lilith: She's right, Beldaran. All your grandfather wants is not to be talked to like a child. I think half of what he was angry about wasn't what you were doing, but how you were doing it.
Grandad: Yeah, that's right.
PrrKitty: And you should be proud that you made it through life to be a senior, but you should also realize that, when you're behind the wheel, you're a killing machine.
Grandad: ...I know. I guess sometimes us seniors need to know when to stop driving so we don't put the responsibility on our families.
Beldaran: Well, I think this has been a real learning experience for us all. People died, but we all grew a bit. Let's just go home.
Grandad: Sure. I'll drive.
Beldaran: [Laughs] That's my Grandad. [Walks off with his grandfather]
Darth: [Beat] I hate this place sometimes. I really do.

I'm actually quite amazed I managed to fit that into one post...
EDIT: Just realized I missed out a bit. No matter, it wasn't that great and the story works a bit better without it.

[Darth Marsden]

Episode II - Customer Satisfaction

[Town, day. Darth Marsden, Aegix Dragon, Breaker and Cloral are walking down the street. Darth is reading one of those '1001 things you never knew' books]

Darth: Hey guys, did you know that you crap your pants when you die?
Breaker: What?
Darth: Yeah, it says here that when you die your bowels release and you basically crap yourself. Gross, huh?
Cloral: That's stupid and you know it.
Darth: It says it right here! [He places the book in front of Cloral, who shoves it away] Bet you 5 bucks it's true.
Cloral: No way, man. You still owe me 10 from the last bet you made.

[CUT TO the AGN cafe. Darth and Cloral are standing next to the Pool table, watching Daarkseid and Riverman play a game. Darth turns to Cloral.]

Darth: Bet you 10 bucks Daarkseid wins.

[Cut back to the street.]

Darth: You only won that 'cause you whacked Daarkseid over the head with a Pool Cue!
Starkist: [Running past] Hey everybody, it's time! It's time!
Aegix Dragon: Time for what?
Starkist: Get to where General Bitching used to be! It's about to happen!

[The gang look at each other and shrug their shoulders. They all follow Starkist over to where General Bitching used to be. There's some sort of building, but we can't see what it is. There's a large crowd around the place, with an official looking man addressing them.]

Official: People of AGN, I am pleased to be with you on this most historic day. A day you were certainly all remember... as the day your town... became great. The grand opening of the first AGN... WALL*MART!

[The camera zooms out to show the full scope of the store - it's massive. Everyone applauds and cheers]

erm2003: It's so... big!
Saffith: It's like we're a real town now. [The group finally arrive]
Darth: Finally, somewhere to pick up cheap Root Beer!
Cloral: Wait... isn't this where Bitchin' Pond used to be? Where we went swimming in the summer and stuff?
phanttonez: Yeah, but now it's a Wall*Mart!
Official: I know that with the opening of the AGN branch of Wall*Mart, you will all see your town completely change... Now shop friends, shop!

[The doors open and everyone streams in. Inside they find a spacious store, filled with almost everything you could imagine.]

gdorf: [Falling to his knees] It's beautiful!

[Cut to various shots of people grabbing various things - salt and peppers shakers, plastic plates, TV sets, blow-up dolls (Quagmire grabs one and runs off shot), and, finally, DVDs, where the gang is at. Darth is using the force to levitate about a dozen cases of Root Beer behind him, while Cloral has a basket full of groceries.]

Breaker: Check it out, guys! Time Cop on DVD. Three copies for eighteen bucks!
Aegix Dragon: Why the hell would you want three copies of the same movie?
Breaker: Because one copy is nine ninety-eight! But this way you save like twenty bucks!
Aegix Dragon: You only need one copy, artard!
Breaker: Okay, fine. YOU go ahead and buy one copy for nine ninety-eight!
Aegix Dragon: Okay, fine, I will! [He grabs a copy] Hey, wait a minute! I don't even want ONE copy of Time Cop! [He puts it back]
Breaker: ...neither do I. [Puts the three-pack back] What's this place doing to us?

[CUT TO an office window which looks over the store. The offical is in there, an evil look on his face.]

Official: Fools. Ignorant fools.

[Breaker's house, that night. Breaker is dreaming, and is tossing and turning, reacting to his dreams. We hear what he hears - whispered voices saying things like Six Ninety-Nine, Fifteen Dollars, Twelve Fifty, etc. With a start, Breaker wakes. He looks at the window, then crawl out of bed and stands before it. We can see the Wall*Mart, all glowing, like a beacon. He nods. CUT TO the Wall*Mart store. Breaker, in a dressing gown, enters, only to find more shoppers in there. Wall*Mart never closes, and it's never empty. A helper welcomes him, and this snaps him out of the trance. He realizes where he is, panics and runs back out again]

[The next morning, the gang are walking towards downtown.]

Cloral: Look, would you mind explaining why we're going to Jim's Drugs to buy paracetamol when Wall*Mart has them for half the price?
Breaker: I... I can't deal with Wall*Mart right now. There's eomething... wrong with that place. [/B][They pass by Riverman, closing up his shop for the last time][/B]
Riverman: Oh, hey guys. Hope you didn't wanna buy anything, I'm going out of business.
Breaker: What? Why, Riverman?
Riverman: Well, I can't compete with Wall*Mart's low prices. Everyone's shopping there now, and... well, I can't make ends meet. [Darth pulls out a violin from his leather coat and starts playing it] I've got to sell the store and try to find some other line of work.
Breaker: [Glares at Darth] Knock it off, man!
Darth: What? Just felt like playing a little violin, is all.
Riverman: Look, I appreciate your business guys, but you'll just have to try somewhere else in town. Sorry. [He locks the door and walks away, sullen.]
Breaker: Damn, that sucks! He's had that store forever!
Cloral: That's called progress, Breaker.
Breaker: Yeah, but what about all the people getting laid off from the grocery stores? [Darth whips out the violin and starts playing it again] And what about all the- [Looks at Darth, takes away his violin, and smashes it on the ground]
Darth: Well, that was 5 bucks well spent.
Aegix Dragon: Come on, let's go to Main Street and support one of those stores.

[Downtown, later. The guys arrive at Main Street and are startled by what they see. Before them is a downtown that is shuttered and decayed. The asphalt is gone from the roads and eagles hover over the area. A window crashing makes them jump, and Mottzilla appears around a corner, making weird noises.]

Breaker: Mottzilla? What the hell are you doing?
Mottzilla: Huh? Oh, I'm just playing monster. It's pretty weird out here, thought I'd have some fun.
Darth: Yeah. It's even better if you can get a monster truck and just drive it up and down the streets. Monster mash! [He puts both hands in the air in that weird way with only the little and the index fingers up. The others just look at him, and he puts his hands back down] What? It's fun.
Aegix Dragon: We'd better tell the others what's happening down here.

[The AGN Cafe. The gang walk in only to find the place filled with items from Wall*Mart.]

Cloral: Hello? Anyone?

[A wail is heard from behind the stuff. Darth climbs over and finds Moocow lying against a box of crackers. Her face is covered with what look like glittery sores.]

Moocow: Darth? Is that... you?
Darth: Yeah, it's me. Guys, get over here!
Breaker: [Climbing over] Moocow? Jesus, what happened? Are you okay?
Moocow: Yeah... I'm just... really really tired. I... was shopping at Wall*Mart all night...
Aegix Dragon: But... your face!
Moocow: Checkout line... They had these... little stickers filled with glitter! They were only ninety nine cents for 15 of them. I couldn't resist! Do you want one? [She takes one and sticks it onto Darth's nose] It's a... turtle... [She falls over, asleep]

[Some time later, still in the AGN cafe. Most of the members are crammed in, and War Lord is addressing them all.]

War Lord: Ok. I think we're all agreed here that this has gone far enough, right?
Crowd: Yeah!
War Lord: Wall*Mart is destroying this place. You've seen the old hangouts - gone to dust because we never went there anymore.
Crowd: Damn straight!
War Lord: And to make matters worse, Mottzilla reports that Script Kiddies are starting to move in!
Crowd: What? Oh my God!
War Lord: Now I'm gonna march over to that store and demand that they leave! Are you with me?
Crowd: Yeah!

[War Lord walks out the door and everyone follows him. CUT TO the Wall*Mart store. War Lord is outside, and he turns to the group. The crowd, now carrying torches and pitchforks, look back at him. War Lord shakes his head.]

War Lord: God dammit, how many times do I have to tell you - we are not a mob!

[Various 'sorrys' are heard as the torches are extinguished and the pitchforks are passed to the side. Once done, they march into the store. In his office, the official, now store manager, reaches into his desk drawer and pulls out a bottle of liquor. He takes two sips and quickly hides it when he hears a knock at his door.]

Manager: Come in? [The crowd enter] Oh, hello fine shoppers. What can I do for you?
War Lord: Look. It's nothing personal, but we've decided we don't want your Wall*Mart here anymore.
Drunken Tiger: Yeah. it seems our old haunts is dying and good people are losing their jobs. We'd all like you... out of AGN.
Manager: Well... [He begins to cackle nervously] What? What, you think I want to be here? I hate this place. But it... won't let me leave.
mrz84: But you run the Wall*Mart.
Manager: Oh no! No no no! [He rises from his chair and moves towards the group] Wall*Mart... isn't run by anybody! First it reels you in with its bargains. Next thing you know you, you're workingbe at the Wall*Mart because it has all the jobs. Then you're sitting in a little office, trapped on all sides! Oh God!
Breaker: So why don't you just quit?
Manager: [Whispering loudly] Not so loud! It can hear you!
Breaker: You hate Wall*Mart too?
Manager: ACK! I didn't say that! I love Wall*Mart! With all its... fantastic bargains and one-stop shopping, who can't love it, right? [He turns around and grabs some papers] Uh, Wa-Wall*Mart takes the hassle out of shopping and, and makes it both affordable and fun. [He writes as he talks, then shows the group what he wrote: "NOT SAFE TO TALK HERE."] Ah- and Wall*Mart really gives back to the community! Us people are certainly happy to have a store like Wall*Mart, aren't we? [Writes some more and shows the group a second sheet: "MEET ME OUT BACK IN 5 MINS." He grimaces and tries to hint at them. The group leaves.]

erm2003: Hey, wait a minute, I think we just got screwed over.
Saffith: Yeah. That guy probably thinks he can get us to go away by being so goofy!

[Saffith circles his finger round his ear to indicate insanity. Seconds later the manager screams and flies out the window, only to end up hanging himself. The group looks on as the manager's pants drop off and poo follows shortly]

Darth: Ha! Told ya.
Cloral: God dammit.

[The AGN cafe, late evening. Aegix Dragon, Breaker and Cloral are sitting round a table while Darth is off in a corner, reading his book. Dechipher come in carrying three steaks and places them on the table.]

Cloral: [Sighs] I remember when we could afford to buy six steaks when we shopped at Wall*Mart.
Breaker: Yeah, but everyone agreed not to shop at Wall*Mart anymore.
Cloral: Gah! I know already! Leave me alone!

[The group starts eating their steaks. Very slowly. They're obviously used to having more than this. Aegix Dragon cuts his in half, then puts the halves on opposite sides of his plate before starting on one of them. While Cloral is trying to cut his, he slips and knocks his drink off the table. It hits the floor and breaks.]

Cloral: Oh Jesus, a broken glass! Well, I don't see any choice now! We have to go to Wall*Mart!
Darth: [Looks over] We do?
Cloral: Well where else are we gonna get a new glass at this hour?! Everyone get your coats on, we're goin' to Wall*Mart!
Dechipher: Actually, it's Ok, we've plenty more-
Cloral: Dammit, one person buying one glass isn't gonna make a difference! Now c'mon!

[CUT TO the Wall*Mart. The four arrive and see that the store is full of people. Cloral looks on in disbelief.]

Cloral: What the... [Moocow walks nearby] Moocow, what the hell are you doing? We said we weren't going to shop at the Wall*Mart anymore!
Moocow: Well where else was I gonna get a napkin dispenser at nine thirty at night?
Cloral: [Recognising others] Daarkseid! Drunken Tiger! Starkist! Now, come on people! What the hell is wrong with you?! Don't you see what you're all doing?!
phattonez:Well what are you doing here, Cloral?
Cloral: ...I came because I wanted to make sure nobody was shopping here.
Breaker: Dammit Cloral!
Cloral: Oh all right... eh, maybe I was gonna buy a glass. One glass! ... and some chips... And butter. [He pulls out a shopping list] And some new pliers.
Glenn the Great: Jesus! Look at us! We all don't like the Wall*Mart, but we can't stop coming here.
Anthony: It's like some mystical evil force.
Cloral: Yeah! This place has a power over us we can't resist! We have to find a way to put the AGN Wall*Mart out of business once and for all!
goKi: Let's burn it down!
The Cyborg:No no no, let's freeze it.
Jennifer: I think it's best we try to reason with it.
Breaker: No! All we have to do is not shop at Wall*Mart anymore! If you want it to go away, all it takes is a little self-control and personal responsibility.

[10 minutes later, the Wall*Mart is on fire and the shoppers are watching it burn from the outside. They all hold hands and start singing Kumbaya. CUT TO the guys walking down the road the next day]

Cloral: Well, good going, man. You just had to go and ruin everything, didn't you?
Breaker: Me? [Looks at Cloral] It wasn't MY idea to burn the Wall*Mart down.
Cloral: No, but YOU got everyone all worked up! You're jealous of the Wall*Mart. You always hated it.
Breaker: Look, this place is going to be better without the- [Breaker suddenly realizes that he can hear sounds of construction. He turns to look] What the hell?

[The gang rush onward and see the the Wall*Mart has been completely rebuilt. Dashing inside, they see that everything's running as if nothing had happened the night before. Breaker sees Vel and runs over to her.]

Breaker: What the hell is this? Why are you shopping here?
Vel: We can't destroy it. We just... have to learn to live with it.
Voice from behind:Can I help you?

[The guys turn round to see who's speaking to them and are shocked to see that it's War Lord, all dressed up in Wall*Mart employee clothing and complete with one of those irritating badges that says 'Hello My name is WAR LORD']

Aegix Dragon: War Lord? What are you doing?!
War Lord: You get a discount working here. Ten percent. That means the bargains are even better.
Darth: But you're a rapper!
War Lord: Yeah, they don't discriminate against us here.
Breaker: Wait - what?
War Lord: I'll make less money, sure, but... as long as I buy everything at Wall-Mart, it'll all even out. Don't you see? Wall*Mart isn't our enemy, it's our neighborhood friend. [As he says this, he gets out a pad of paper and writes on it. He shows it to the group - it reads 'Break in 5 minutes. Meet me outside'. The gang nod and walk back to the entrance, where they see a driver lifting I-beams into place with his crane]

Breaker: Hey! HEY! [The driver looks at him] Who the hell told you to put this thing back up?!
Driver: Sorry kid, we've got orders from corporate headquarters.
Breaker: But nobody wants a Wall*Mart here!
Driver: Well, you're gonna have to talk to the higher-ups about that. My hands are tied.
Aegix Dragon: Where are they?
Driver: Bentonville, Arkansas. That's where Wall*Mart started, that's where all the bigwigs are. [He drives away as War Lord emerges, presumably on his break.]
War Lord: Hey guys.
Breaker: War Lord! We've got to stop this!
War Lord: Look, I'm with you. I hate it here, but I just couldn't resist, y'know?
Darth: ...not really.
War Lord: ...huh. Whatever, that's not the worst of it. Y'know those script kiddies I mentioned?
Aegix Dragon: Yeah?
War Lord: Mottzilla's doing recon at the moment, but the last report I got from him indicated there were almost a hundered of them in the old hangouts.
Darth: Jesus Christ! That many?
War Lord: I last heard from him 2 days ago... it's probably twice that, if not more.
Aegix Dragon: Holy crap! What the hell are we gonna do?
Breaker: Ok. We need to stop Wall*Mart AND we need to get rid of these script kiddies. We're gonna need to split up. Me, Aegix Dragon and Cloral will go to Bentonville and try to shut down Wall*Mart. Darth, you think you can handle the script kiddies?
Darth: Hell yeah!
Breaker: Alright. Then let's get going. We'll see you later Darth. Good hunting.

[War Lord goes back inside the store and Darth heads off towards the old haunts where the script kiddies now reside while the others head over to the bus station. Suddenly Cloral freezes in place.]

Cloral: Whoa, Pixie Sticks, twenty-nine cents? [He starts to hears sounds] Wall*Mart? ...Are you speaking to me? ...My friends? ...Trying to hurt you again? [Frowns in anger] Yes, Wall*Mart. I understand. [With a look of determination, he follows after the others]

[A bus drives past a big sign which says 'Welcome to Bentonville, Home of Wall*Mart' before pulling up to a bus station, where the guys get off]

Aegix Dragon: Damm, that was a long 9 hours.
Breaker: It wouldn't have taken so long if the tires hadn't been slashed.
Cloral: I know! Wasn't it weird how both tires were slashed like that? We must have been really unlucky, huh?

[Breaker stares at Cloral, who puts on an innocent face. He shakes his head and starts walking towards a building marked as 'Wall*Mart Corporate headquarters']

Breaker: ...whatever. C'mon, let's get that store shut down.

[CUT TO inside the Corporate Headquarters. A cavernous warehouse opens up before them, with busy workers moving boxes and such forth. The guys stare at this as a receptionist come to greets them]

Receptionist: Hey guys. Can I help you?
Breaker: Yeah. We've come to complain. We don't want a Wall*Mart in our town.
Receptionist: Who does? Nobody likes what the Wall*Mart does, but it keeps... right on doing it. God help us...
Breaker: We want to talk to who's in charge.
Receptionist: In charge? Well, I guess that would be Harvey Brown. He's the current president of Wall*Mart. One of the original creators.
Aegix Dragon: Where's he?

[Cut to a shot of an ashtray. A hand rubs spent cigarette butts into it. The camera pulls out to reveal the president of Wall*Mart sitting at a bar with the guys standing behind him. There's several empty glasses next to the president, and a pair of scrumpled up cigarette packets]

Harvey Brown: We... invented the Wall*Mart Super Center in 1987. The idea was simple: build a store for one-stop shopping where bulk purchases could keep prices incredibly low. [Defeated, he buries his face in his left hand] We didn't know what we were doing. In just four years, it was out of control.
Breaker: So how do we stop it?
Harvey Brown: [He raises his head] You don't stop it. You can't.
Breaker: There has to be a way!
Harvey Brown: There's nothing! Don't you understand?! Nothing can stop the Wall*Mart in your town! ...Unless...of course, you can find and destroy its heart.
Cloral: Heart of Wall*Mart? Okay, I think this guy's had one too many.
Breaker: ...whaddya mean, heart of Wall*Mart?
Harvey Brown: Every Wall*Mart has a heart, somewhere near the television department. Destroy the heart and you could reverse the entire process!
Cloral: Ok, shut up now, alright?
Aegix Dragon: [To Cloral] Shush! [To Harvey] Why don't you guys just destroy the heart?
Harvey Brown: You think we didn't try? The Wall*Mart stops you. Plenty of people have tried - Union leaders, nature activists, even the best fair-trade lawyers tried to stop the Wall*Mart and now? They are Wall*Mart shoppers all.
Breaker: All right. Come on you guys, we'd better get back. It's not as if we've got any other solutions, right? [They all turn and start to leave]
Harvey Brown: [Shaking his head] It won't work, don't you understand?! It isn't gonna stop until there's nothing but Wall*Mart left! Jesus, what did we do?? WHAT DID WE DO?? [The guys are at the doors, about to leave. Mr. Brown spins around on his stool] Guys! [They turn and see him take a gun to his head] Tell the world... Im sorry!
Aegix Dragon: Jesus, don't do it!

[Mr. Brown shoots himself through the temple and falls over on his left side, dead. Seconds later he craps through his pants, leaving a hole in them and a falled bar stool nearby. A few moments of shock pass, and then Cloral's mobile phone starts ringing. He answers it]

Darth: Ha! Told you. [He hangs up]
Cloral: ...how the hell does he do that?
Breaker: He's a Sith Lord, he can do all sorts of weird stuff.
Aegix Dragon: I wonder how he's doing with those script kiddies?

[Darth Marsden]

...continued...

[CUT TO Darth being forced down a dark, dirty corridor by a bunch of script kiddies armed with M4s. His hands are tied behind his back and his right shoulder, the one he injured during my last 'epic', is stained with blood. Darth is not best pleased as the events that have led him here.]

Darth: If I hadn't made that phone call, you'd all be soooooo dead.
Script Kiddie: 5hut up! 0ur l33t hax0r p0w3r5 hav3 l3d u5 t0 v1ct0ry! Y00 sha11 pay f0r y0ur cr1m3s!

[Darth is led into what used to be a great hall that has fallen into disrepear. Mottzilla is chained to the wall, but when he sees Darth he manages to raise his head and smily weakly. Darth smiles back before being led onward to a computer chair placed upon a table. One of the script kiddies hits him in the back of the legs with his gun and Darth falls onto his knees painfully. He looks up as the chair spins round, revealing LightningZ, wearing some rubbish papier mache crown and a stained 'l33t hax0r' t-shirt. He stands up.]

LightningZ: Ah, 50 thi5 i5 th3 a55h0l3 wh0 ha5 b33n f0rcing u5 t0 r3turn t0 0ur pr3vi0u5 5av3 p0int5!
Darth: If you're gonna talk to me, at least do it in English, you moron.
LightningZ: 5IL3NC3! Y0u wi11 n0t disr35p3ct m3 in my n3w w0rld!
Darth: Oh for the love of...
LightningZ: Y0u 5ha11 pay f0r y0ur crim35!
Darth: God, shut up, you're giving me a headache... [Darth suddenly gets an idea and closes his eyes]
LightningZ: Th3r3 hav3 b33n t00 many r35tart5 b3cau53 0f y00! I hav3 d3vi53d a m05t appr0piat3 t0rtur3 f0r y00, my fri3nd, a m05t appr0piat3... [LightningZ stops in mid-sentance and puts one hand to his head] 0w! what... what i5 thi5? What i5 in my h3ad? [He clutches at his head with both hands in agony] Augh! Mak3 th3 pain g0 away! G3t it 0ut 0f my...

[Before he can finish his sentance, his head quite literally explodes. Brain matter and blood fly all over the room. The script kiddies panic and start running around as Darth finally opens his eyes. Seizing the opportunity, he runs over to where Mottzilla is.]

Darth: You alright?
Mottzilla: I'm surviving. What happened to your arm?
Darth: One of the little buggers whacked me in the shoulder with their rifle... managed to clip me right at the joint. It's gonna hurt for weeks... C'mon, let's get out of here. [Darth tears the binding holding his wrists together apart with absolutely no effort. Seeing Mottzilla's puzzled look, he smiles] Script kiddies. Can't do anything right to save their lives. Try it. [Mottzilla does, and finds that the chains aren't even locked.]
Mottzilla: Amateurs. I've got a ride out back - let's go.

[The pair run out of the building, and Darth sees that Mottzilla's ride is a Monster Truck.]

Darth: Sweet!
Mottzilla: What can I say? You were right. Now let's go!

[Darth climbers onto the back of the truck while Mottzilla gets in the drivers seat. He turns the key and the engine stutters. He does this a few times as Darth grows impatient.]

Darth: C'mon! They're gonna be after us any minute!
Mottzilla: The damn thing won't start!
Darth: ...how's the gas?
Mottzilla: [He checks. It's on empty] Oops.
Darth: Dammit Mottzilla!
Mottzilla: I've been a little busy, Ok? Gas wasn't exactly the first thing on my mind at the time!
Darth: Honestly... you got any more?
Mottzilla: There should be a spare can round the back...
Darth: [Checks, he sees it] Yeah, it's there. [He sees script kiddies coming from the building] Great, that's ALL we need. I'll buy us some time. Get that thing fueled up!

[Darth jumps down from the back of the monster truck and moves to thrust his right arm out before grabbing it in pain. Remembering, he instead reaches out with his left hand and his lightsaber flies down from on to off a lamppost into his hand. He ignites it and starts slashing at the script kiddies who come pouring out of the back door. Meanwhile, Mottzilla reaches for the gas can, grabs it and fills up the gas tank. Finishing, he throws the can to the ground, shoves the gas cap back in and heads back into the drivers seat.]

Mottzilla: Darth! Let's go!
Darth: [Mumbling to himself] About bloody time. [He runs back to the truck and jumps onto the back] Floor it!

[Mottzilla does. The truck flies forward and Darth whoops like a redneck as they fly down the street. A few blocks down however, several script kiddies appear riding quad bikes and start chasing them

Darth: Dammit, we got company! You got any weapons on this thing?
Mottzilla: Sorry, they cost extra!
Darth: Figures. [He flings his saber backwards and it spins straight into one of the bikes, slicing off it's front wheels. It flips forwards and sends the driver straight into the tarmac as the saber returns to Darth] Can you go any faster?
Mottzilla: We're at top speed! That a problem?
Darth: No, just checking. [Darth repeats the process, but the quad bike swerves out of the way. The driver starts firing his gun at the monster truck] Dammit, they're actually learning!
Mottzilla: You're kidding!
Darth: Wish I were! Hard brake! [Mottzilla does just that. The quad bike rams straight into the back of the monster truck and the driver's gun flies straight into Darth's hand] Thank you. [To Mottzilla] Full throttle, if you would!
Mottzilla: Gotcha.

[Darth blasts one of the other quad bikes with the gun and it swerves into a lamppost. The driver goes flying]

Script Kiddie: 533? I hav3 u53d my aw350m3 hax t0 3nabl3 flying m0d3!

[He promptly smacks into another lamppost. Darth check the gun's clip - three bullets. He carefully takes aim and fires at another quad bike. The front right tire goes and the driver struggles to keep it straight. While it's turned slightly, Darth shoots the left rear tire out and the quad bike goes flying. He then turns to the last two quads and casually shoots at one of the drivers. Go into Slow Motion as we follow the bullet straight into the middle of the driver's head. He falls off the bike and it slows to a halt. The gun empty, Darth throws it at the remaining driver. It hits him square in the face, and he veers into another building, where it explodes. Darth grins maniacally as he turns round and faces forward]

Darth: That's the last of them.
Mottzilla: You sure?

[Mottzilla points ahead. The camera zooms forward to reveal a script kiddie with a rocket launcher aimed right at the truck.]

Rocket Kiddie: F3ar my 133t r0ck3t 5ki115!

[He fires the rocket. Speed back to the truck]

Darth: GET DOWN!

[Mottzilla does so as Darth throws his arm forward. The front and rear windscreen shatter and the rocket jumps upward slightly. It flies straight through the front windshield and right past Darth's face - again, in Slow Motion, so we see Darth turning his head and looking at the rocket as it goes past - before it flies onward and blows up of its own accord. CUT TO the rocket kiddie, who looks dismayed that his plan has failed. Too late, he realises he shouldn't be standing in the middle of the road, and he gets smacked straight in the face by the monster truck. A little blood flies through the open windshield.]

Mottzilla: Eww...
Darth: Ah, suck it up, ya baby. C'mon, let's get back to the Wall*Mart and let War Lord know we're done cleaning up.
Mottzilla: But it's all over my shirt...
Darth: How'd ya think I feel? I got blood on mine too!
Mottzilla: Yeah, but it's not script kiddie blood, is it?
Darth: ...Ok, I'll give you that.

[The truck speeds out of sight. CUT TO A stormy night in front of Wall*Mart. Aegix Dragon and Breaker arrive dressed in camouflage.]

Breaker: All right, this is it! If Wall*Mart has a heart, we have to find it and destroy it! No matter what the Wall*Mart does to try to stop us, we have to be strong! Let's do it.
Cloral: Rushes in and blocks their path, holding a pistol] I'm afraid not, Breaker! Wall*Mart is a great store! I can't let you fools ruin its terrific bargains! You see, I was working for Wall*Mart all along!
Breaker: ...yeah, I know.
Cloral: ...no you didn't.
Breaker: ...yeah, I did. You weren't very covert about it.
Cloral: ...how do you mean?
Breaker: ...you've always been defending Wall*Mart, right from the beginning, you were obviously the one who slashed the bus tires in Arkansas, and you were trying to get the Wall*Mart president to shut up, AND you made us stop and buy that gun on the way back for no apparent reason! C'mon, it was painfully obvious [Cloral babbles loudly to drown him out] you were gonna turn on us!
Cloral: [Hands over ears] I can't hear you! Lalalalalala! [Once he's sure Breaker is quiet, he uncovers his ears and holds out the gun again] I'm sorry, guys, but if you want to hurt the Wall*Mart, you'll have to go through me!
Breaker: ..great. This is all we need.

[In the distance, the monster truck can be heard. Suddenly it burst over into the car park and heads straight for the guys. Cloral turns and screams as it executes a handbreak turn, only for it to stop right next to him. He breathes a sigh of relief, only for Darth to jump down and whack him over the head with his unlit lightsaber. Mottzilla climbs out and starts trying to brush the blood off his shirt]

Breaker: Hey guys.
Darth: Hey. You got a plan?
Breaker: Yep. Go in, find the heart, kill it dead.
Darth: Cool. [They all start walking towards the entrance. Cloral gets back up, and Darth throws the saber at him without looking. It clonks him on the head and he falls unconscious as the saber returns to Darth's hand.]
Aegix Dragon: What happened to your arm, Darth?
Darth: I injured it while fighting off a dragon in order to save the Princess of Azahn.
Aegix Dragon: ...right. Note to self: Don;t ask Darth anything ever again.

[Aegix Dragon, Breaker, Darth and Mottzilla enter the store and walk past MasterSwordUltima, who's dressed in Wall*Mart employee clothing and greeting people as they enter the store]

MasterSwordUltima: Welcome to Wall*Mart.
Breaker: Cram it, ya corporate lacky!
Mottzilla: Where we headed?
Aegix Dragon: We've gotta find the television department. [The lights flicker and turn off. War Lord leaps into view in front of the boys, carrying an ax. The guys jump backwards and express surprise]
War Lord: Hey guys, these axes are only four ninety-nine.
Breaker: Dammit War Lord!
Darth: We know how to destroy the Wall*Mart!
War Lord: Shh! What are you talking about?
Breaker: One of the creators told us. You have to take your keys over to the television department.
War Lord: Television department... All right, come on, let's go! [The group moves down the aisle for some distance. Suddenly War Lord stops and jumps] Oh my God!
Mottzilla: What?
War Lord: Those two-dollar salt-and-pepper shakers! They were three dollars five minutes ago! The Wall*Mart is lowering its prices trying to stop us!
Breaker: Come on, we've got to try to make it to the back! [The group make their way to the back of the store, but War Lord can't help but look at all the bargains]
War Lord: Gaaahh! Don't look! Don't look at its bargains! [They come across a bunch of bikes priced at $29.99. They scream and run off. The guys run down another aisle, but War Lord isn't with them.]
Darth: I think I see the television department in the back!
Breaker: Is that the right way, War Lord? [He looks around, then turns to his right. Aegix Dragon turns to his left. Both of them see War Lord]
War Lord: This... this screwdrivier set is only nine ninety-eight!
Aegix Dragon: C'mon, we're nearly there!
War Lord: I can't make it, guys! You're gonna have to go on without me!
Aegix Dragon: But we need your keys!
War Lord: This bargain is too great for me! I'm gonna have to buy these! Here! Take the keys and go on! [He tosses the keys to Breaker, who catches them] The television department is near the back! Next to the cell phones! Go! Hurry! I'm gonna go buy these screwdrivers!

[The guys leave the aisle and reach the television department. The wall is lined with TVs of all sizes. A hand appears and presses a button, and all the TVs turn on, showing Breaker and Darth on screen. The camera pans over to the guys, who are looking at a man dressed in white.]

Man: Hello. Congratulations on getting this far.
Breaker: [Stepping forward] ...who are you?
Man: I am... Wall*Mart.
Darth: [Also steps forward] That makes absolutely no sense.
Wall*Mart: I've taken this form in order to talk to you. But I can take many forms. [He dons a bowler hat] Does this suit you better? Or perhaps you prefer this form? [He takes off the hat and puts on a robe] I can take whichever form I like. [He removes the robe and puts on a pirate hat and black patch over his left eye.]
Breaker: ...look, we don't want your store in our town. We've come to destroy you.
Darth: Right. So where's the heart?
Wall*Mart: To find the heart of Wall*Mart, one must first ask oneself 'Who is it that asked the question?' [Breaker and Darth look at each other]
Darth: ...me. I'm asking the question.
Wall*Mart: Ah, yes, but who are you?
Darth: ...I'm Darth Marsden. Or Chris, if you wanna be specific. Now where's the heart?
Wall*Mart: Ah. You know the answer, but not the question!
Breaker: The question is 'Where's the heart', you fruitloop.
Wall*Mart: Very well. You want to see the heart of Wall*Mart? It lies beyond that plasma-screen television. [The boys look to their right and walk over. They open a small door marked 'EMPLOYEES ONLY' and see themselves in a mirror]
Breaker: ...it's a mirror.
Wall*Mart: Yes, don't you see? That is the heart of Wall*Mart. You, the consumer. I take may forms: Wall*Mart, K*Mart, Target, but I am one single entity: Desire!
Breaker: [Turns to Darth] Well, the guy in Arkansas said to destroy the heart. [Darth ignites his saber and throws it into the mirror, which shatters]
Wall*Mart: Gaaah! NO! NO, what have you done?? [The building begins to rumble] Now you shall see my true form! [He removes the hat and eyepatch and puts on a baseball cap which reads 'Wall*Mart'] Now you see me as I truly am!
Breaker: We'd better get out of here. [Outside, Cloral wakes up and witnesses the Wall*Mart's self-immolation. Inside, the gang are making their way to the front doors]
Warlock: Get out! It's gonna blow! [The shoppers pay heed]
Breaker: Hey, come on! We've gotta get out!
War Lord: It's too late for me! I... I have to buy this stuff! [Darth bops him over the head with his saber and slings him over his good shoulder]
Darth: C'mon, this place is gonna blow! Everybody out now!

[CUT TO outside on the parking lot, night. The building begins to collapse as everyone gathers in the parking lot. The building implodes into a shining blue dot, then reappears as crap, which falls to the ground where the Wall*Mart once stood. Everyone looks on in astonishment, then Darth smiles and nudges Cloral]

Darth: See? Told ya. [He puts the waking War Lord down on the ground]
Kairyu: Guys, you did it! You killed the Wall*Mart!
PrrKitty: How'd you do it?
Breaker: All Wall*Marts start a self-destruction sequence if you break a mirror in the back.
War Lord: [Getting up] We... we know how to destroy it now. Spread the word to all the towns! [Nearby, a soldier sits at the ready to send out the news on a telegraph. At War Lord's command, he starts tapping rapidly]
Cloral: Wait. I think I understand the symbolism of the mirror. The Wall*Mart... is us.
Darth: Duh.
War Lord: No, I get it too. See, if we like our small-town charm more than the big corporate bullies, we all have to be willing to... pay that little bit more.
Cloral: Yeah. Let's all go shop at Riverman's down the street!

[The crowd approves and marches down the street. CUT TO Riverman's store, later. He reopens for business and the crowd flocks to his store. Later, the small store is replaced by a larger two-story building, which in turn is replaced by a huge building reminiscent of the departed Wall*Mart, which in turn leads to the store's demise by fire]

Crowd: ...Oh Lord, Kumbaya.
Cloral: All right, let's not make that mistake again.
Koopa: Yeah, let's all shop over at True Value!

[The crowd yell out in approval and move over to the store. Darth is left behind, his right arm now in a sling.]

Darth: God dammit.

[Darth Marsden]

Episode III - Season Premier

[The AGN cafe, night. War Lord is closing up and is cleaning up while humming to himself in a contented manner. He's placing chairs upside down on top of tables when he hears a knock at the door. He answers it to find a square headed man and woman]

War Lord: Look, we're closed. Come back in the morning.
Man: Uh, we're not here for food. Are you War Lord?
War Lord: ...yeah.
Man: My name is Harry Gints and this is my wife Elise. We're from Canada.
War Lord: [Looks at them] Yeah, I can tell.
Harry: My wife and I used to own this restaurant a few years back. I'd inherited it and, well, we weren't ready for the responsibility of owning a store, so we... we put it up for sale. We heard you were the one who...
Elise: Oh God, Harry! [She rushes in] Look what they've done with this place!
War Lord: Ok, just what the hell is going on?

[A few minutes later. The new couple are sitting at one of the tables. After a minute War Lord comes from the back carrying three cups of coffee. He puts them on the table and sits down. Harry takes a sip from his drink]

Harry: It was a tough time for us. It was a tough time for all of Canada. The whole country was devastated by the cola wars. It just seemed we couldn't take care of a store, let alone a restaurant.
Elise: So we put it up on the market. But as the years passed, I, I just felt an emptiness in my heart. God, it's so good to see this place again!
War Lord: Well I wish you all the best, Mr. and Mrs. Gints, but to be honest, I think it would be best for everyone if you didn't come around again.
Elise: I don't think you understand. We didn't come to visit this place, we came to take it back.
War Lord: Wait... what?
Harry: We want to take back ownership off this place.
War Lord: WHAT? You gave this place up. You can't just change your mind!
Harry: Changing your mind is a Canadian custom that we hold quite dear. And besides, the new Canadian Prime Minister has issued a decree that all former Canadian property must be returned to it's original Canadian owners.
War Lord: The new Canadian Prime Minister? What are you, insane? This place belongs to me now!
Harry: It doesn't belong to you! It belongs to it's original owners... it's Canadian owners.
War Lord: Ok, that's it. I think you'd better leave. Now.
Elise: Please, don't make things difficult for yourself.
War Lord: Difficult for ME? You just waltz in here and tell me you're talking back MY hard earned property? Who the hell do you think you are?
Harry: We're prepared to go to court over this. We had hoped it wouldn't come to that, but if you're going to be this way...
War Lord: You're damned right I'm gonna be this way! I'll see you in court!

[CUT TO courtroom, a few days later. The Canadian couple are there, along with War Lord and most of the AGN regulars. War Lord stands before the judge.]

Judge: I'm sorry to say that my hands are tied. The new Prime Minister of Canada has authority this court cannot override. By Canadian law I must award ownership of the property to its original Canadian owners.
The Gintses: Yes!
War Lord: No!
MasterSwordUltima: Wait... where the hell are we gonna hang out now?
Warlock: [Turning to Darth, who's sitting next to him, his right hand in his pocket] Can't you do anything?
Darth: Not in a court of law. My parole officer made that quite clear.

[Outside the AGN cafe, which now has 'Sorry, we're closed' and 'Under new ownership' signs displayed. War Lord locks the door and hands the keys over to Harry Gint, overwatched by Warlock]

War Lord: Just... take care of it. Promise... promise me that.
Harry: Don't worry. We will.
Warlock: [Gives the Gints a look of disgust] You'd BETTER.

[The Gints recoil a little, then get into their car and drive away. Daarkseid looks on and watches them speed off before walking over to War Lord.]

Warlock: Can't we, I dunno, appeal or something? Maybe talk to this new Prime Minister of Canada?
War Lord: [Holding back tears] Appealing to the Prime Minister of Canada would take... time and money I just don't have.

[CUT TO another street. Daarkseid, Darth and Moocow are sitting on a bench running through a catalog which Darth has in his lap and is flicking through with his left hand. His right hand doesn't move from his pocket. He stops on the Doctor Who page and points to a Cyberman doll.]

Darth: That right there. The 12 inch tall fully flexible Cyberman action figure. THAT'S what I've ordered. I mean, everything else from this page is pretty good, but that thing in particular, y'know?
Moocow: Yeah, that would be pretty cool if you're into the show.
Darth: ...are you saying you're not?
Moocow: ...I just never really got into it.
Darth: I don't know you. You are a stranger to me.
Warlock: [Walks into shot] Hey guys. Can I talk to you?
Daarkseid: Sure. What's up?
Warlock: ...it's the cafe. I mean, it's been a week now and I just... I don't know what to do. I HAVE to try to go to Canada and speak with the new Canadian Prime Minister, but I can't do it alone.
Daarkseid: Look, we're all pretty down about it, but we'll find somewhere else.
Warlock: Please you guys, you don't understand. War Lord is devastated. Drunken Tiger just walks around the place like a zombie, and Beldaran can't stop crying.
Darth: Seriously? Beldaran's crying? Wuss.
Warlock: I've found the number for a really cheap airline to Canada. If we go as soon as possible, then-
Darth: Look man, we can't just up and go to Canada. The new series of Doctor Who starts at the weekend... it's like the social event of the century! [Moocow looks at him] Ok, year. Look, maybe we'll find some other way of getting the store back. Y'know, when the series has finished.

[The group start walking off. After walking a short distance, they find that most of the other AGN regulars have gathered around, holding some sort of meeting, which VEL is heading. They walk up and listen in.]

VEL: Ok, quiet guys. Let me speak. Now we know that War Lord has lost ownership of AGN cafe. So what are we gonna do about it?
gdorf: How about we get rid of all the Mexicans?
VEL: Gdorf, every time we hold a meeting you suggest we get rid of all the Mexicans, and every time we tell you 'NO!'
gdorf: ...rats.
VEL: Any other SENSIBLE suggestions?
Starkist: War Lord needs money to appeal that case to the new Canadian Prime Minister. How about instead of sitting around watching TV, we all take up a collection and try to raise money for him?
VEL: Yeah, that sounds good. Are we in?
Crowd: YEAH!
Saffith: How about we go one step further and cancel our TV licenses! Then we add the money we save from that to the collection!
Darth: [Slightly worried] Oh come on, that's just ridiculous... canceling your TV licenses... you wouldn't last a week!
Crowd: YEAH!
Darth: [Panicking] What? No!
Koopa: Yeah, I hardly watch the thing these days anyway!
Darth: [Losing it] You... you can't! Not this weekend! NO!
VEL: Ok, it's decided! We'll all cancel out TV licenses and give the money we save to War Lord!
Crowd: YEAH!
VEL: Let's get to it!

[The crowd quickly disperses as Darth falls to his knees]

Darth: KHAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!
Warlock: Look man, I'm sorry. But there is something we can do. We can go to Canada and see the Prime Minister like I said. If we can change his mind before Saturday, then these guys can get their licenses back in time for you to see your new episode.
Darth: [Getting up] You really think if we go to Canada I can still catch Doctor Who?
Warlock: It's worth a shot. Come on, you guys, we can do this.
Moocow: I'm up for it. I keep wanting to go on one of these adventures that have started have started happening lately.
Darth: Alright, fine, we'll go to bloody Canada. But so help you God Warlock, if this doesn't work and I miss the first episode of a show I've been waiting 9 months for, I am going to kick your freakin' ass.

[City Wok, night. A sign reading "Chinese Food For Teh Win" is displayed in the store, while the owner, Mr. Kim, sits at one of his tables with nothing to do]

Mr Kim: No business... Nobody wanna eat-a Chinese food. Looks like I might as well close. [A phone rings. He perks up and runs to get it] Oh boy! Some business! [He puts on his chef hat and grabs a notepad] Finally! [He grabs the phone and waits for the order] Herro? Chitty Wok, take ur orda prease! [CUT TO Warlock on the other end of the phone, with Daarkseid, Darth and Moocow in the background. Through the next sequence, it cuts between Mr Kim and Warlock]
Warlock: Uh, I must have the wrong number. We were trying to reach City Airlines.
Mr Kim: Oh, oh yes, just a moment prease. [He flips a sign over so it now reads "City Airlines" and switches to a captain's hat] Herro, Chitty Airrines. Can I help you take ur orda prease?
Warlock: Uh, we need to go to Canada. As soon as possible.
Mr Kim: Oooh, Canada. Ok, that's uh pretty far. Gonna cost ya a rot of money... hm... let's she. How many people?
Warlock: Four.
Mr Kim: Ok. Four people, Canada, cost a rot of money, that uh gonna be about ah six thousand five hundred daura.
Warlock: [He takes out his wallet and checks it] ...how about fifty daura?
Mr Kim: Fifty daura?! You flighn to Canada cost at reast three thousand daura!
Warlock: Fifty-five daura.
Mr Kim: Hey! Stop wasting my time wa fifty-five daura! No way I take my plane to Canada for less than a thousand daura!
Warlock: Ok. Sixty daura.
Mr Kim: Sixty-two daura.
Warlock: Done.
Mr Kim: Ok, meet me AGN Airfield, yellow Cessna, tail number 432G.
Warlock: Got it. [He hangs up]
Mr Kim: [Hangs up, then giggles] Hehehehe, never try to barter with a Chinese man.

[CUT TO AGN Airfield, night. A plane comes in for a landing in the background as the group approach the yellow Cessna. Darth is anxiously looking at his watch]

Darth: We have exactly fifty-two hours before the new series of Who starts. That means we have to be back in twenty-eight hours to still give ourselves enough time to renew our TV licenses so we can watch it and not get busted by those bloody cops who always seem to know about these things. Everyone synchronize watches on my mark. Mark. [They all sychronise their watches. Darth does this with some difficulty - his watch hand is still in his pocket]
Mr Kim: Herro, welcome Chitty Airrine. [Warlock and Darth move towards the plane. Daarkseid stops in his tracks, as does Moocow]
Moocow: Oh no, no no nono, I am NOT flying in that thing!
Daarkseid: Me neither!
Warlock: What? Why not?
Daarkseid: Look at that thing!
Warlock: What... it's fine. Come on!
Moocow: I am not going to die in a confined space with four people I barely even know!
Darth: Dammit, get in the plane before I throw you in there!

[CUT TO inside the Cessna. It's pretty cramped.]

Daarksied: Ah man, it smells like Kung Pao chicken in here!
Mr Kim: Okay, welcome aboard Chitty Airrines. This is your captain speaking. Rooking about a two hour fright. I'll be turning on the seatbelt sign now. If your seats have seatbelts, this is the time you will fasten them. Please sit back, relax, and enjoy your Chitty fright. [He turns off the intercom and takes flight after a small bump.]
Warlock: All right! We're going to Canada!

[Cessna 432G, day. The flight has clearly taken longer than two hours. The guys are sleeping in their seats - and so is Mr Kim. The plane begins to hit turbulence and lose power]

Mr Kim: Hey, turn off the right. ...Wha- oh! [A sudden noisy dip awakens the others]
Moocow: Wha... what's going on??
Mr Kim: Herro from the cockpit, this is your captain speaking. As you can see, it appears that we are goin' down. Now would be a good time to refrect on your rife, and pray to whatever deity you bereive in. Thank you for flying Chitty Airlines. We know you have a choice in airlines, and it looks like you made the wrong one. [He quickly puts on a parachute and opens his door to drop away]
Daarkseid: Hey, where the hell are you going?! [Mr. Kim jumps out and away. A few seconds later he pulls the rip cord and the parachute comes out]
Moocow: Quick, wake Darth!
Warlock: [First prods Darth, then hits him, then in frustration slams his head into the back of the seat] Dammit, he's out for the summer! Someone grab the controls!

[Daarkseid jumps into the front seat, grabs the controls and tries to steer the plane, with limited success. The plane makes a steep descent and crashes onto the ground. It flips over and crumples up, resting near a town. A lone 'Ow' is heard from Darth as the group scrambles out of the rubble and walks into the town. A pair of legs is seen at a nearby bench, but no head is shown. The guys are aware of being watched.]

Warlock: Guys... I don't think we're in AGN anymore... [As they look in one direction, four Canadians pop up from some bushes and look at them. They drop back into the bushes before the group turn back around]
Canadian Man: Eh-xcuse me? [A head pops up over the legs at the bench] Uh, is this an invasion?
Moocow: ...no.
Canadian Man: Oh thank heavens! It's okay. Everyone, it's not an invasion! [People come out of their hiding places. A man pops up out of a manhole mumbling something as the others mill around]
Warlock: Hey! We're in Canada!
Canadian Man: Well of course you are! And Canada Friends welcomes you!
Canadians: [The people start singing] Welcome, friends, to Canada! Canada Friends loves you!
We're just like any other country without the big tattoo!
Sailor: [Walks up, sings his line] We greet thee with pleasure, but one question, if we may?
Businessman: [Walks up and joins him in singing] What brings you folks to Canada? Why are you here today?
Warlock: Uh...
Daarkseid: A Canadian couple came over and took over our cafe, and we wanna talk to the new Canadian prime Minister about getting it back.
Canadians: [Still singing] Their cafe is their quest. The question is, is what? You must talk to the new Prime Minister if you think hangout is back there.
Darth: Oh, Jesus Christ.
Scott: [Walks into shot] Hey! What the hell is going on?!
Canadians: It's Scott! AAAAHHHH! [They all take off in different directions]
Moocow: What's the big deal? We've got a Sith Lord.
Darth: ...a Sith Lord with a freakin' headache, mind.
Scott: [Fixes his gaze on the group and approaches] A-ha! Americans! I should've known! You think you're the police of the world! You think you own Canada! Well, you aren't welcome here! Get out now!
Darth: I've had enough of this. [Ignites his saber and holds it threateningly] I'm a bloody Brit, and I'm armed, so piss off, you sodding little twat!
Scott: [Backs away] This isn't over, you American scum! I swear to God: you'll rue this day!! [Runs off]
Man in Barrel: [Emerges from hiding along with everyone else] God, what a dick!
Darth: [Turns saber off] Look, we don't have a lot of time here, Ok? Can you just tell us where the new Prime Minister is?
Doctor: The new Prime Minister doesn't live in this part of Canada. He's in Ottawa. [The other Canadians concur]
Warlock: So how do we get to Ottawa?
Wrestler: Oh that's easy. You just have to follow the road.
Daarkseid: Which road?
Firefighter: This is Canada. We only have one road. [He moves to one side and the crowd splits in two to allow the group through]
Priest: [Starts singing] Follow the only road
Man: [Also singing] Follow the only road
Canadians: [All singing] To go anywhere in Canada, you just follow the only road.
There's only one road in Canada. We call it the Road, the only road.
Hip-hip, hooray, let's hear it for our Road.
Road Workers: It's paved and wide and up to code.
Darth: [Holding his head in his left hand - his right is still in his pocket] Let's get the hell out of here.
Moocow: Word.
Canadians: [Still singing] You're off to see the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister of Canada!
Doctor: Good-bye, friends! Good luck with the new Prime Minister! And remember to watch out for Scott! He's a dick!
Canadians: Good-bye, good-bye, see ya, good luck, etc.

[The group walks down the only road, unaware that Scott, the dick, is watching them from behind a tree. He smiles evilly and starts jabbering away into a mobile phone]

[Cut to further down the road, sometime later. The group are walking onwards while Darth is checking his watch. He's taken it off his permanently-pocketed right hand and is holding it in his left]

Darth: Twenty hours until Who starts. We'll still have time to renew our licenses IF we hurry. [A mountie appears before them]
Mountie: Ahoy there, travelers.
Daarkseid: Who are you?
Mountie: I am Rick, the proud Canadian Mountie. [The camera zooms out to reveal that he's riding a sheep]
Sheep: Baaaah.
Moocow: I thought mounties were supposed to ride horses.
Mountie: [He hangs his head in shame] Yes. Yes, we are. But our funding has been cut and now we're forced to ride...
Sheep: Baaaah.
Darth: ...yeah. Look, if you don't mind, we're in a rush to see the new Prime Minister.
Mountie: [Perking up] You're going to see the new Prime Minister. Oh, I would so like to meet him myself. It's his strange new laws that took our horses away. Perhaps I will go with you.
Warlock: That's okay, we'd rather just go by ourselves.
Mountie: Follow me this way! [Starts singing as Darth puts his head in his hand] We're going to see the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister of Canada!

[The group, along with new recruit, continue down the road. The gang soon overtake the mountie, who encourages the sheep to speed up. When it doesn't, he sighs, gets off the sheep, picks it up and runs after the others. Zoom out to reveal that Scott is monitoring their progress over remote cameras]

Scott: Power-hungry Americans! I'll fix you! [Suddenly his walkie talkie comes to life. He picks it up]
Darth: I'M BRITISH, YOU SON OF A BITCH! [The walkie talkie goes dead]
Scott: ...how the hell did he do that?

[CUT TO further down the Road. Rick and the gang are passing through another town as Darth gets out his watch and checks it again]

Darth: Oh Jesus, eighteen hours. We're running out of time!
Mountie: All right boys, prepare yourselves. We're about to enter... French Canada.
Moocow: French Canada?

[Before them, lots of French Canadians cavort like it's Disneyland, with circus performers of all stripes doing what they do best. They start singing as Darth puts his hand over his ear. Realising this doesn't work, he presses his free ear in to his shoulder and winces a little]

French Canadians: There'z no Canada like French Canada, it'z za bezt Canada in ze land.
Ze ozer Canada is hardly Canada. If you lived here for a day, you'd understand.
Mime: Honh honh honnnh! Welcome to French Canada.
Hockey Player: We have everyzing your heart could desire. Trapezes. Trampolines. And lots and lots of cheese.
Artist: [He takes off his mustache and offers it to the group] Would you like a moustache?
Mountie: Just stay calm, boys. French Canadians are a little... odd. [Behind them, two of them walk by. One is dressed in blue and looks a bit like an alien. The other is dressed something like He-Man, with long flowing locks]
Warlord: Yeah... uh, don't mind us... we're just passing through to see the new Prime Minister.
Mime: Well first you must answer that phone. [He makes his left hand into a phone receiver with his little finger and thumb] Ring-ring. Ring-ring.
Darth: We don't have time for this!
Mime: You cannot pass through French Canada unless you take zat phone call! He holds out his 'phone'] Ring-ring. Ring-ring. [Daarkseid responds by making his right hand into a similar phone and answering]
Daarkseid: ...yes?
Mime: Allo! If you are going to see za new Prime Minister, then I want to go with you. He has passed a new law forbidding us French Canadians to drink wine.
Artist: How can ze French not drink wine?? Travestie!
Daarkseid: Ok, fine, you can come with us.
Mime: Honh honnnh! Very good! Let us make haste!

[The French Canadians escort the boys out and on their way with the Mime and the Mountie before bursting into song again. Darth repeats the process of covering his ears]

French Canadians: There'z no Canada like French Canada, it'z za bezt Canada in ze land.
And ze ozer Canada.
Mime: Is a bullzhit Canada
French Canadians: If you lived here for a day, you'd understand. [The group leaves the town behind]
Mime: I think you'd understand. ...You understand.

[Darth Marsden]

...continued...

[Sometime later. The group have arrived at Newfoundland. It's a dark forest, somewhat reminiscent of my back garden.]
Mountie: Oh my! This certainly is a desolate place!
Mime: It reminds me of death and fear. [Darth smiles at this in a 'I'm home' sort of way]
Warlock: Look, how much further to Ottowa?
Mountie: We must be very close now.
Scott: [Jumping out in front of them] Ey! What are you doing?!
Mountie: Ack! It's Scott!
Scott: What are you two doing helping these Americans?! Don't you know America thinks it owns Canada along with the rest of the world?!
Darth: For the last freakin' time, I'M BRITISH!
Scott: No, you're a dick! And by helping these guys, you two are just as smelly as they are! Now I'm going to get you!
Fisherman: [Exiting a nearby house with a fish in his left hand and a pole in his right] Not a-hire, Scott!
Scott: Who the hell are you?!
Fisherman: I'm Steve the Newfoudlander. And you'er on Newfoundland property now! Get off before I have you arrested!
Scott: Never! [Darth ignites his saber again] Ugh! This isn't over! Not by a long shot! I'll fix you. I'll fix all of you!! [He leaves in a huff. Steve draws closer to the group as Darth puts his saber away]
Mountie: Woo, that was a close call. Thank you, kind Newfie!
Warlock: God-damnit, I've had about enough of this. We need to get to the new Prime Minister... NOW!
Steve: Oh yeah, the Prime Minister, eh? He sure has screwed up things for Newfoundland. Life just hasn't been the same since he made sodomy illegal.
Mime: Well, come with us! Maybe you can ask him to take his sodomy ban away.
Darth: Whatever, can we just get going?
Steve: Yeah, sure, except there's just one problem.
Daarkseid: What?
Steve: You folks are goin' the wrong way.
Daarkseid: What?? But I thought there was one road in Canada.
Steve: Yeah. And you all went the wrong direction on it.
Mountie: Ohh, that's right. Ottawa is that way. [He points behind the group]
Mime: Of course. Ottawa left, Newfoundland right!
Moocow: [Grimacing] Oh no!
Darth: [Glaring at the mountie] How could you be so stupid!
Warlock: There's no way we can go all the way back. We'll never make it now!
Mountie: It's Ok, guys. The power is inside us to get to Ottawa! We can wish ourselves there!
Mime: Ah yes, let's wish ourselves there. [The three Canadians close their eyes and wish real hard]
Mountie: [Peeking with his left eye] Is it working?
Darth: Oh, God-dammit! Well I warned you Warlock! I told you if I missed the start of my show we were gonna throw down! [He puts up his fist] Well it's on! We're gonna have it our RIGHT NOW! [He grabs Warlock by the collar]
Steve: [Now in his boat at the end of a dock] Of course, we could always take my boat, eh?
Mountie: Oh yes! On the river we could travel to Ottawa in no time!
Warlock: Well come on! [Everyone hops into the boat]
Steve: Ok, next stop, the new Prime Minister. [The boat leaves the dock and goes on its way]
Warlock: Do you think we can still make it in time?
Darth: We'd better, man. Or you're dead.

[The Parliament building, dawn. The whole party pull up to the small dock at one end of the grounds. They all climb out, Darth leading the pack]

Steve: Here we are at the Parliament buildin'.
Mime: Ze Prime Minister is inside.
Darth: [Rushing towards the building] Well come on, let's hurry! It's almost time!

[The rest of the group follow him up to the Parliament building entrance. Warlock knocks on the heavy wooden doors. A wooden panel opens up to reveal a window. A doorman looks out through it]

Doorman: Yeeeeeeeees?
Warlock: We need to see the new Prime Minister.
Doorman: Ha! Impossible! The new Prime Minister isn't seeing anybody! [He slams the window shut]
Mime: Oh well, zo much for zat. [He turns around and slowly walks away]
Steve: Yeah, we gave it our best, but our best wasn't good enough, eh? [He joins the Mime]
Warlock: No no no, I'm not having that. He's gonna see us, one way or another. [He knocks on the door again. Steve and the Mime turn around]
Doorman: [Opens his window again] Yeeeeeeeees?
Warlock: Look, we've come from way, way out and we are ging to see the Prime Minister one way or another. So let us in already!
Doorman: [With a big smug grin on his face] The Prime Minister isn't here. He's in China on official business. So you might as well go home. Bu-bye!
Warlock: [Defeated] Then that's it. We... We're never going to get the cafe back... [He walks away and sits on the stairs leading up to the building]
Darth: What? Oh no, you're not getting off that easy. Let us in before I rip you open and rearrange your organs in alphabetical order.
Doorman: Of course not, you English pig!
Darth: THANK YOU. Wait... I'm not a pig, you Canadian piece of crap!
Doorman: You don't frighten us, English pig-dog! Go and boil your bottoms, son of a silly person. I blow my nose on you, so-called Sith-Lord, you and your silly English K...kaniggets. [He puts his hands to his ears and blows a raspberry]
Daarkseid: ...what a strange person.
Darth: Dammit, you miserable excuse for a human being, let us in already!
Doorman: I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal, food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
Moocow: ...is there someone else there we can talk to?
Doorman: No. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
Darth: [Holding his head in his free hand] I hate Canadians. I really, really do.
Doorman: Smelly English K...niggets ... and Monsieur Sith Lord, who has the brain of a duck, you know. We outwit you again, perfidious English mousedropping hoarders ... how you say: "Begorrah!"
Darth: For the love of...
Doorman: How you English say: I one more time, mac, I unclog my nose towards you, sons of a window-dresser! You think you could out-clever us Canadian fellows with your silly knees-bent creeping about advancing behavior. [Blows a raspberry] I wave my private parts at your aunties, you brightly-colored, mealy-templed, cranberry-smelling, electric donkey-bottom biters.
Daarkseid: What the hell is he babbling about?
Darth: It's a British thing, you Yanks wouldn't get it. [To the doorman] Last bloody chance. Let us in or I really let loose.
Doorman: No chance, English bed-wetting types. We burst our pimples at you, and call your door-opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
Darth: That's it. I'm gonna kill them all. [He raises his left hand and the Doorman starts to chock. Darth closes the hand into a fist and a loud, audible snap is heard. The Doorman hangs from the window, dead]
Moocow: Oh my God, you killed a Canadian!
Daarkseid: You bastard!

[CUT TO inside the Parliament building, facing the outer door. We see the Doorman slump onto the floor and then Darth's lightsaber piercing through the door, cutting a large hole in it. Once it's gone round in a complete circle, it flies across the room into a large group of soldiers. Darth and Co. TM move into the building. The remaining guards start towards them, but stop when Darth turns towards them, his eyes burning red. The group walks down a long hallway and approach a large sanctum with three fire pits. Two small ones burn before and on each side of the huge one, which sits at the center and has a hologram of the Prime Minister hovering over it]

Prime Minister: I am the Prime Minister of Canada, and all that. Now whaddya want?
Warlock: [Steps forward] Sir, you recently passed a new law allowing Canadian land owners who have given up their old properites for whatever reason to change their minds and take it back. Our whole comunity was-
Scott: [He suddenly appears with the Gintses, holding the keys to the Cafe] Not so fast, you American scum!
Darth: Right, that's it. [He throws his saber at Scott and nicely slices him through the middle. He falls apart as Darth's saber returns to him. The others look at him] What? He knew I was British, I told him twice. Don't look at me like that.
Warlock: [Turning back to the Prime Minister] Please, sir. I came because I don't think we should have our cafe taken away from us like this. Owning a property isn't about who legally owns the building, it's about the people who run it, who visit it, who help maintain it. Sure, maybe it wasn't built by us in the first place, but we've taken what we aquired and made it so much more. A community center, a focus point for us all to relax and enjoy each others company. So many friendships have been founded there, it almost seems like a family's front room. Please... don't take that away from us. [The Gintses have tears in their eyes]
Prime Minister: That is a great speech, guy. But the answer is no! All of my new laws will stay in effect forever!
Mountie: Then, I suppose us mounties will never get our horses.
Mime: And we won't get our wine.
Steve: And we can't perform sodomy, eh?
Moocow: ...why are you making such strange laws? I mean, no wine? No horses?
Darth: Yeah, what's up with that?
Prime Minister: I SAID GO!
Darth: Actually, you never did say that.
Prime Minister: ...whatever. Just get out. Now!
Warlock: [Noticing a purple curtain nearby] ...I hope to God that's not what I think it is.
Prime Minister: What? No, leave that alone.
Warlock: [Clearly he doesn't. Pulling it back, he reveals LightningZ behnd it, cramped behind a console] What the hell?
LightningZ: Uh oh. Uh, don't mind that guy hiding in the spider hole, he's just my friend.
Daarksied: What the hell's HE doing here?
Moocow: He must have thought this was hell. Darth did kill him and all.
Mime: But zis explains everything! Za new Prime Minister was a zcript kiddie, trying to take over our beloved Canada like Saddam Hussein before him.
LightningZ: No! I was just... I... Oh, 5hit.

[The remaining guards all pounce on him. His screams are utterly pathetic, sounding more like a cross between a pregnant woman and a drowning cat. The group turn away]

Mountie: Wait a minute. This means all the Prime Minister's new laws are null and void. We can have our horses back!
Mime: And we can drink our wine.
Steve: And I can sodomize me boys again.
Harry Gint: [Picking up the keys from Scott's body and walking over to Warlock] You... must really care about that cafe to have come all this way.
Elise Gint: Perhaps we were wrong to try and take it back. It doesn't belong with us here. It belongs with it's family.

[Harry hands over the keys to Warlock, who smiles gratefully. Suddenly an alarm goes off. Darth pulls out his watch and looks at it]

Daarkseid: What is it?
Darth: It's started. We officially missed it. Doctor Who's starting right now and... I'm in Canada.
Warlock: Well yeah, but ah-we got the cafe back.
Darth: Yeah! We got our cafe back, but I missed Doctor Who! And what did I tell you, man?! told you that if we didn't make it back in time for the new series I was gonna whup your ass, didn't I?!
Warlock: Come on, man. There'll be repeats!
Darth: Well now you're gonna get it! That's right! You and me! Right now! We're havin' it out! Let's go! Come on! Come on!!

[Darth puts up his left fist, his right hand still in his pocket. Warlock reluctantly meets Darth's challenge and after dodging his swing, whacks him on the right arm. Darth suddenly freezes and clutches the arm in agony, falling to his knees as he does so]

Moocow: Oh, now why did you do that?
Warlock: What?
Moocow: You knew that was his bad shoulder!
Daarkseid: Yeah, he's done nothing but complain about it for the past month!
Warlock: ...oh yeah.
Moocow: 'Oh yeah'? That's all you've got to say?
Warlock: Well look, why did he take the sling off?
Daarkseid: It kept getting caught in doors!
Warlock: ...right, yeah, it did. Well look, I thought it had healed!
Moocow: There was a reason he kept it in his pocket! [Looks at the camera] Did you at home figure it out?
Mountie: [Wandering over] Is he all right?
Warlock: Yeah, he's just upset 'cause he missing the new Doctor Who.
Mountie: Oh, but he can watch it here! We pay for a third of that show, you know. Come on, we'll watch it on the big screen!

[They fiddle with the wires behind the giant floating head and the picture changes to show that Doctor Who is just starting. Warlock helps Darth up and together they sit down and watch it. A caption reads '45 minutes later' as the show finishes]

Daarkseid: Well, that was crap.
Warlock: Yeah, absolute rubbish.
Darth: [Throws his arm up in the air] Best episode EVER!

[Darth Marsden]

Episode IV - A New Mod

[AGN Cafe, day, school hall. Everyone's sitting around, having a good time et al. Amaster42, biggiy05 and Pineconn are relaxing on a Friends-style couch while Darth Marsden is leaning on the couch from behind, sharing an encounter with them]
Darth: Ok, so I was just standing there, and the guy walks up to me and says 'How's your arm, bitch?', and I tell him 'Yeah, it's still a little sore', so he just whacks it, right? But nothing happens! And he's standing there like 'What? You told me...' and I say 'Yeah, but I'm a Sith Lord, remember? We tend to lie [I]a lot' and they're STILL cleaning his guts off the roof. God, that was a fun afternoon.
[As he's talking, Dechipher comes up to him]
Dechipher: [Taps Darth's shoulder] Hey Darth, I have to take you to the War Lord's office.
Darth: What? I didn't do it, it was the one-armed bandit!
Dechipher: Look, I've just been instructed to bring you to War Lord's office.
Darth: Oh, for the love of a good woman who doesn't have herpes and/or genital warts! I'm in the middle of something!
Dechipher: Come on man, I'm just doin' my job.
Darth: [Taunting him] I'm juh duh duh duhhh! I don't care if you're just doing your job, I'm busy! The man's just gonna have to wait!
War Lord: [Half stepping out of his office] Darth, get in here before I ban you for being an asshole!
Darth: [Everyone stops what they were doing and looks at him] Oh, thanks. Bitch.
War Lord: NOW.
Darth: Alright, I'm coming, I'm coming.

[War Lord's office, moments later. Darth and Dechipher enter the room, where War Lord and MottZilla are waiting. Darth flumps down into the empty chair and waves his hand in front of War Lord]

Darth: Darth didn't do anything. He doesn't need to be banned. He deserves an animated avatar. He deserves to be respected and feared. Etcetera.
MottZilla: Knock it off Darth.
Darth: [Puts the hand down] Eh, worth a try.
MottZilla: It didn't work the first time, what makes you think it'll work the 57th time?
Dechipher: [Hypnotized] I think Darth deserves an animated avatar.
Darth: [Looking at Dechipher] I wasn't even aiming at you!
Dechipher: Darth wasn't even aiming at me.
Darth: Oh, for the love of...
Dechipher: Darth's for the love of...
Darth, MottZilla and War Lord: SHUT UP!
War Lord: [Pauses to make sure Dechipher has shut up, then addresses Darth] Darth, the reason we called you in here is because I think it's time you tried out being the General Discussion forum moderator.
Darth: The GD mod? Me?
Dechipher: I would just like to say that I am firmly against this.
War Lord: Duly noted. Now get on with it.
MottZilla: ...fine. Ahem. You need to watch for bad behavior, and make sure anyone in the threads is either behaving or has a season pass.
War Lord: Right. If anyone doesn't, you have the authority to warn them and inform me.
Darth: [Incredulous] Auth- authoritah?
Dechipher: Darth has authoritah.
Darth: Not now.
MottZilla: Now Darth, being the GD moderator is a big responsibility. You need to take the job seriously, and for god's sake don't abuse the power.
Darth: [Wearing an innocent smile] Me?

[A montage. First scene is the GD halls. Darth pops up dressed as Dog the Bounty Hunter. He walks around and strikes a few poses. He pockets a can of Bear Spray into its holster, makes sure he has handcuffs, then checks his newly grown goatee. Next, he pretends he's driving a real car. Back in the, he walks into view and strikes one more dramatic pose, then the POV changes and he's walking towards the camera. One more scene has him turning the steering wheel of an SUV. Over all of this, there's a funky song playing with the following lyrics:]
Darth: There's fear and darkness all around you
The criminals are on the run
No use in not having your season pass
I'll take you to the owner 'cause I'm the Dawg
I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg
The GD Moderator!

[When the song finishes he's in the SUV. He grins until a hand appears and knocks on the driver's window]

Car Salesman: [Opening the door] Hey you, get outta there.
Darth: That's cool. I'm done making my video anyways.

[He picks up the video camera from the front of the SUV and leaves. The video shoot resumes at GD. Darth is on the job when he turns around and sees someone else in the hall. He strikes a dramatic pose and yells]

Darth: Season pass! Show me your season pass!
Masamune: What?
Darth: [He shoves Masamune into the wall and whips out the Bear Spray] You know what this is? This is the mace that they use on bears, faggot! Now let me see your season pass!
Masamune: Ok, Ok - It's right here. [He reaches into his pocket and pulls it out to show Darth]
Darth: [Releasing Masamune] All right, cool, brah. Go with Christ. [He turns right and walks away. Masamune isn't happy]
Masamune: What? You can't just push me up against the-
Darth: [Kicks Masamune, who flies away and breaks through the opposite wall] Ha! [Marching on, he starts singing his song again] I am the Dawg, the big bad- Oh my God! [He sees a wad of paper on the floor, before running over to pick it up and check it out] What the sithspit is this?!

[New Members. The moderator, Prrkitty, is shown teaching them about shapes. She's drawn a circle and is now drawing a square]
Prrkitty: And so this shape with four sides is what, class?
Darth: [Bursts into the classroom. Everyone turns to see who it is. Darth walks up to Pineconn_lolz] Pineconn_lolz! You littering my hallway, brah?!
Prrkitty: Darth? What the hell are you doing?!
Darth: I found this in the GD hallway. [He unfolds the wad of paper and shows it to the group - it's a drawing Pineconn_lolz has made of Prrkitty with hearts all around her. It looks like it was drawn by a two year old in crayon] Apparently your new charge Pineconn_lolz has a crush on you. [Pineconn_lolz looks around nervously] You got a crush on your mod, brah?! Keep it out of my hallway! Go with Christ. Here you go. [He hands the drawing to Prrkitty and heads for the door]
Prrkitty: Darth, was that really necessary?
Darth: Hey! I don't tell you how to run your section, don't tell me how to run mine! [Leaves, closing the door behind him]
Fabiano the Spy: lolz has a crush on Kitty!
New Members: lolz has a crush on Kitty! [The group laughs]
PrrKitty: Alright, that's enough, guys! [The group keep on chatting] Ok, you know what? Everyone dismissed. We'll meet back here tomorrow. [Everybody starts to leave, including Pineconn_lolz] Actually, Pineconn_lolz, could you stay just a few minutes, please? [He does so. After a minute, only him and PrrKitty are left. She moves towards him] Listen, Pineconn_lolz, I'm very flattered by all of your love notes, but I need to be clear. See, there've been a lot of female moderators on the news lately who have been having relationships with young male newbies and, people might get the wrong idea, even though... I do admire you. You are so smart and gifted. So mature for your age.
Pineconn_lolz: [In a baby-like voice] I don't like Mason.
PrrKitty: You listen, and you really care about what I have to say. You make me feel things I've never... [She reaches out to Pineconn_lolz and touches his right hand] felt before. [She and Pineconn_lolz hold hands, but she lets go and leaves her seat] Dammit, this is crazy. I'm your moderator. How can we be having these feelings for each other? [She turns around and faces him] You're so mysterious, and I can't... and I can't...

[She begins to swoon. A montage follows to REO Speedwagon's Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore. She and Pineconn_lolz rub noses as a heart frames them. Their shadows rush up and hug each other, then twirl around together as hearts pulsate outward. They hold hands again. She takes him out to dinner and chatters away. She takes him out to ice-skate at a skating rink. She takes him out to a dinner picnic before a setting sun - they share wine and cheese. She takes him out for a ride on a duck boat - she does the driving. She has an artist draw a picture of them. They hop onto a merry-go-round and get on horses - she blows a kiss at him there. She takes him home and watches TV with him. Finally, the scene ends with the two of them under the covers - looks like they've been having some fun]

PrrKitty: That was unbelievable. I've never felt like such a woman before. They'll say our love is wrong, but we can't let anybody know; they'll never understand. [She rolls to her right and starts massaging Pineconn_lolz tenderly] We were meant to be, I know it. How else could sex be that incredible? [She lays back down]
Pineconn_lolz: I made a nuno.

[The boy's room in General Discussion. bigjoe rushes in and towards the urinal. Once in place, he sets his season pass down next to the sink and does his business]
bigjoe: Hey there, Mr. Wiener, whattaya know? Do ya need to tinkle tinkle? [Falsetto] Yes I do think so.
Darth: [Bursts into the restroom, startling bigjoe] Hands?! Let me see those hands!
bigjoe: [Backs off] Haaaah!
Darth: [Advances] Where's your pass?! Show me your season pass, brah!
bigjoe: [Looks around frantically for it] It's, it's... I just had it! [Keeps looking, but Darth grabs him]
Darth: I knew it! [He slams bigjoe's head against a toilet stall, then tosses him to the floor, cuffs him, and escorts him out of the restroom. Focus briefly on the hall pass, by the sink where bigjoe left it, before cutting to the waiting room outside War Lord's office. Darth and bigjoe wait on the bench outside. bigjoe's fly is still undone, revealing his polka-dot underwear]
Darth: Look, brah, I had to bring you in, but I don't have any hard feelin's against you all right?
bigjoe: Wha?
Darth: Here, you need a smoke, brah?
bigjoe: Uhh, Ok. [Darth puts a cigarette into bigjoe' mouth, then lights it for him]
Darth: You've gotta give yourself over to Christ, brah.
bigjoe: I do? [Coughs. He's clearly not a smoker]
Darth: Jesus is Lord. You can go one direction in life, or you just walk around the hallways without a season pass. Or you can see the light, brah. [bigjoe coughs some more]

[Cut to Pineconn's house. He walks in through the front door and throws his keys on a nearby table when the phone starts ringing. He picks it up.]

Pineconn: Hello?
Voice on Phone: Hey Pineconn, it's Pineconn_lolz's mother.
Pineconn: Oh, hey. What's up?
Pineconn_lolz's Mum: Well, Pineconn_lolz has a doctor's appointment this evening. Do you know where he is?
Pineconn: Yeah, he's over at PrrKitty's house. God only knows why, but...
Pineconn_lolz's Mum: Could you do me a favor and go tell him about his appointment? It's right near your house over there, isn't it?
Pineconn: Yeah, sure.
Pineconn_lolz's Mum: Thanks. I'll talk to you soon.

[Pineconn puts the phone down and heads out the door again. CUT TO PrrKitty's house, a lovely one-story structure. Starland Vocal Band's "Afternoon Delight" is playing inside. Pineconn walks up to the front door and knocks]

Pineconn: Hello? [Hearing no response, he opens the door and walks in] Excuse me. I'm here to find Pineconn_lolz? [He moves further into the house] Uh, hello? Is Pineconn_lolz here? [He hears some giggling and heads for the room it's coming from - turns out it's the bathroom] Hello? [PrrKitty, in the bathtub, looks at him]
PrrKitty: Aah! [Covers her fine-ass breasts]
Pineconn: Woah! [Turns round in embarrassment] I'm-I'm sorry! I didn't mean to-I'm just looking for Pineconn_lolz! [At that, Pineconn_lolz pops up out of the water dressed in snorkel gear. Pineconn turns round at the noise] Pineconn_lolz?? [He looks at PrrKitty, who stares blankly back at him] What the hell is going on?
PrrKitty: Oh, what's the use, Lolz? We're caught. [Moments later, an angry Pineconn is pulling his Pineconn_lolz towards the front door when she emerges from the bathroom in a dressing gown] Hold on, please, you don't understand!
Pineconn: [Turns to look at her] Really?! What's there not to understand?!
PrrKitty: Your namesake and I... are in love.
Pineconn: ...he's a bit of a noob, don't you think?!
Pineconn_lolz: Nana! [Angrily, he leaves Pineconn and stands beside PrKitty]
PrrKitty: Pineconn_lolz is very mature for his age, and you know it!
Pineconn_lolz: Ring around the rosey.
PrrKitty: He makes me feel like nobody else does. He loves me and only me, and I know I'm a goddess to him. When we make love, he can give it to me HARD, or soft and gentle-
Pineconn: Oh sweet Moses on a pogo stick, I didn't need to hear that!
PrrKitty: ...yeah, that was probably a bit too much there. Sorry.
Pineconn: [After an uncomfortable silence] Well, uh, Pineconn_lolz has a doctor's appointment, so... [He tries to pull Pineconn_lolz away from PrrKitty]
Pineconn_lolz: [Resisting] Nonono, nononono.
Pineconn: Lolz, you can't possibly want this. It's... it's so wrong!
Pineconn_lolz: [Sobbing] No, no.
Pineconn: Lolz?
PrrKitty: Is it so hard to believe that true love exists?
Pineconn: [Turns to the front door] This is nuts.

[The AGN cafe, night. A bunch of people are eating what presumably dinner. At one table War Lord, MottZilla, Pineconn and Pineconn_lolz are all eating one thing or another]

Pineconn: Guys, how well do you know PrrKitty? [Pineconn_lolz glares at him once he says this]
War Lord: Pretty well, I think. How long has it been?
MottZilla: [Finishes his mouthful of food] Uh, god, I dunno. Years.
Pineconn: Yeah, well my namesake here likes her a whole lot.
War Lord: I don't blame him, she's a very likable person. Why we made her the New Members mod.
Pineconn: Well yeah, except maybe it's not perfectly great, because to some degree, my namesake and her are having an-
Pineconn_lolz: [Interrupting] Spider-Man! I'm safe, Spidey save me!
MottZilla: ...why are we eating with him again? He keeps throwing food at me.
Pineconn: It's important. Listen, I thing there might be something you should look into about this guy visiting PrrKitty all the time-
Pineconn_lolz: [Interrupting again] Weohhh part ten. Mom-my I love you I love you.
War Lord: Ok, that's just creepy.
Pineconn: I'll deal with him. C'mon, you. I want a word.

[Pineconn leaves his chair and takes Pineconn_lolz to the other side of the Cafe. Pineconn starts arguing with his namesake] You just can't expect me to sit there and say nothing. No, Lolz, I'm supposed to be looking out for you. So what? I wasn't going to just blurt it out, I was gonna use some tact, but you won't even let me... What? Uh uh! Stop right there, man! [Pineconn_lolz is replying with a series of snippets from nursery rhymes, which has nothing to do with Pineconn's concern. The two are finished, and the two of them return to the table]

Pineconn: Guys, I think maybe you should talk to Pineconn_lolz about love and sex.
MottZilla: We already have an area for that. It's called Ask Someone Who Gets Laid.
War Lord: God only knows what he'd want in there, though.

[The next morning. Breaker is lounging around the Breaker-Zord like always, along with Glitch and ShadowTiger. They're all dressed in cop uniforms, except for Breaker, who's wearing THIS. They're drinking coffee and reading newspapers while chatting amongst themselves]

Breaker: You're so full of crap, Glitch.
Glitch: What? I did shoot him in the face. Twice.
Pineconn: [Walks up to the Zord] Ex, excuse me? [The group look at him as he walks into the Zord] My name is... Brad. And uh, I need to report a crime. Anonymously.
Breaker: Oh yeah? What's the crime?
Pineconn: Uh, w-one of the moderators is having s-s-sex with a new member.
Breaker: Holy crap! [The group are suddenly serious and alert. Breaker puts his hand on Pineconn's arm] Ya-you did the right thing telling the fuzz, Brad. Now, who is the mod? What's his name?
Pineconn: Well, it isn't a guy mod. It's a woman.
Glitch: A woman.
Pineconn: Yeah. She's having sex with a boy.
ShadowTiger: [Taking notes] Oh, but, but she's ugly, right?
Pineconn: Well no, not really. It's the New Members mod, PrrKitty.
Glitch: Wait - some young guy is having sex with PrrKitty?
Pineconn: Yes.
Glitch: Nice.
Breaker: Nice.
Pineconn: What?! No, you don't understand-
Breaker: You sure they've had sex?
Pineconn: Yeah.
ShadowTiger: Has she performed oral sex on him?
Pineconn: I think so.
ShadowTiger: ...Nice.
Breaker: Nisssse.
Glitch: Nisssse.
Breaker: So wait, what, what's the crime?
Glitch: The crime is she isn't doing it with me. [The others laugh]
Pineconn: Hey! He's a total noob! She's taking advantage of him.
Breaker: You're right. We're sorry. This is serious. We need to track this kid down and... give him his "Luckiest Boy In AGN" medal right away. [The others laugh again]
Pineconn: [Throws his hands up in frustration and leaves] Gargh!

[AGN, day, random hallway. People are wandering around aimlessly, as you do. Pineconn approaches Amaster42 and biggiy05, who are leaning against a wall talking]
Pineconn: Guys, can I talk to you?
Amaster42: Sure.
Pineconn: Look, I need you to keep quiet about this, all right? [Darth walks up] That guys who's username is like mine and PrrKitty-
Darth: Brahs, I'm gonna need you to start clearin' the hallways, aright?
Pineconn: Not now, Darth! I have really serious problems!
biggiy05: Dude, what's the matter?
Pineconn: PrrKitty is having sex with Pineconn_lolz.
biggiy05: ...woah.
Amaster42: Seriously?
Darth: Damn, brah, that little mini-you is pretty freakin' lucky.
Pineconn: It's not cool! The bastard isn't old enough to understand.
Darth: What's to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around some, stick it inside her and squirt.
Pineconn: [Looks long and hard at Darth] 'Stick it inside her and squirt'?
Darth: Yeah, I believe that's a pretty accurate description of sex. Well, unless you don't want to get her pregnant, then you pull it out and squirt over her face, but that's nowhere near as hot.
biggiy05: Look, I really don't see a problem.
Darth: Yeah, I've got bigger things to deal with.
Pineconn: You guys don't understand! His wacko mod is like a schoolgirl! They pass notes to each other all the time, they have sex at her house whenever they get a free moment, [Darth waves Pineconn off and walks away] and they sneak out and kiss in the hallways! [This stops Darth and makes his eyes big]
Darth: They WHAT?!?
Pineconn: They sneak out and make out in the hallways!
Darth: [Spins around to face Pineconn] Now hang on a second: making out in the hallways is strictly against forum policy!
Pineconn: Well they're doing it!
Darth: Yeah? Well now it's personal. This forum is my jurisdiction! If there's a infraction going on, they're gonna have to deal with the Dawg!

[Another group of New Members are being taught the basics of etiquette by PrrKitty, with the usual results - complete failure. She plows on, bless her, as she wipes the text off the blackboard]
PrrKitty: Ok guys, just continue with your macaroni pictures. I need to step out for a second. Uh Pineconn_lolz, could you give me a hand, please? [Pineconn_lolz leaves his seat and joins PrrKitty outside. She puts him on the shelf of the nearby telephone booth] Oh Lolz, I just had to have a second alone with you.
Pineconn_lolz: I like dada better.
PrrKitty: I got your love letter, and I wrote you one back. Oh, just one kiss to hold me over for the rest of class. [She begins to kiss Pineconn_lolz when Darth appears in the distance and turns towards them]
Darth: Hall infraction! [He runs over to PrrKitty]
PrrKitty: [Turning to Darth] Oh, uh, we were just heading back in.
Darth: You got a season pass, brah?!
PrrKitty: I don't need a season pass. I'm a moderator.
Darth: Yeah? Well, where's his season pass?!
PrrKitty: Look, just let us get back in-
Darth: Get down on the floor!
PrrKitty: We're going back inside!
Darth: [Whips out the Bear Mace] You like bear mace, icehead?!
PrrKitty: What?!
Darth: You're goin' with Christ! [He sprays PrrKitty but good]
PrrKitty: AUGH!

[Next stop, War Lord's office. Darth, PrrKitty and Pineconn_lolz stand before War Lord, who is reading through the two love letters]
Darth: ...And that's what I got, brah. These two were in the hallway making out. She had those love letters on her person.
War Lord: 'Pineconn_lolz, I long to feel your arms around me'? PrrKitty, you- you're having a relationship with this noob?
Darth: Yes. In the middle of the forum, without a season pass.
War Lord: This is unbelievable.
Darth: I know. It's like the rules doesn't even matter to them.
War Lord: PrrKitty, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to inform Breaker of this.
PrrKitty: [Puts her hands to her cheeks] Oh God...
Darth: You just dealt with the Dawg, bitch.

[The streets, later. Police and news reporters are present as Glitch and ShadowTiger escort a handcuffed PrrKitty into a waiting Breaker-Zord, under the watchful eye of the man himself]

Breaker: [To PrrKitty] Sorry we had to do this, but the boss man insisted. [The 'fuzz' escort PrrKitty into the waiting 'zord]
fatcanfan [Walking up] What's goin' on?
AtmaWeapon: The New Members mod is suspected of having sex with a noob.
fatcanfan: But... she's a woman.
AtmaWeapon: Yeah. I know.
fatcanfan: But... she's hot.
Pineconn: Wow. I think I owe you one, Darth.
Darth: You don't owe me anything. My threads are cleeean. [Points his index fingers at the camera]

[That evening, Pineconn's house. He's sitting reading a book when the doorbell rings. He answers it and sees Pineconn_lolz standing in the rain ('cause it's always more dramatic if it's always raining) at the door.]

Pineconn: Oh. Look, I didn't tell on you, you got busted by Darth. [Pineconn_lolz glares at him] Ok, Ok. I did have something to do with it. But someday you're gonna realize it was for the best.
Pineconn_lolz: You are dead to me.
Pineconn: ...what?
Pineconn_lolz: I said, you're dead to me!
Pineconn: I'm dead to you?
Pineconn_lolz: You're dead to me! [Walks away into the rain]
Pineconn: ...cool. [Closes the door and goes back to his book]

[Darth Marsden]

...continued...

[It's the next morning, aboard the Breaker-Zord. PrrKitty is on the phone to someone as the others argue about which building to accidentally smash next.]

PrrKitty: I'm on the Breaker-Zord. They say they found some evidence. I'm so scared. [Brief cut to reveal Pineconn_lolz is at the other end of the line] Listen, I want you to know it's Ok. If anybody tries to talk to you, you don't need to say anything. Just leave it to me. I know a way out of this.

[Cut to a News 4 Newsbreak intro]

Anthony (Now there's continuity for ya): Welcome back. If you're just joining us, we're covering the breaking story that's rocked the internet, as a forum moderator is facing being stripped of her mod status and even a possible ban for allegedly having an affair... with one of the noobs under her care. The case is shocking, due mostly to the fact that the mod... is pretty hot. If the accusations are true, then... nice. Uh, looks like the defendant and her lawyer are about to give a statement, so we'll go straight to the scene.

[Cut to the front of the AGN courthouse. PrrKitty and her lawyer are standing outside the building, along with a podium with billions of microphones attached that looks like a cheap Doctor Who monster. She clears her throat and prepares to speak]

PrrKitty: I am deeply sorry to announce that the allegations against me are true. Over the past several weeks, I have been having physical relations with a noob.
Reporter: [Cut to see the reporters and onlookers reactions] Nice.
redmage777: Nissse.
PrrKitty: I know my actions were wrong, but I cannot be fully to blame. You see, I am an alcoholic.
ShadowTiger: ...ohhh.

[Cut to the AGN Cafe. A group of people, including Pineconn and Darth, are watching the report on TV. As PrrKitty speaks, Darth puts his head in his hands]

PrrKitty: [Over the TV] Yes, I'm afraid it's true.
Darth: Oh, I don't believe it.
Pineconn: What?
Darth: She's using the Mel Gibson defense, the clever bitch!

[Cut back to the courthouse]

PrrKitty: I am a perfectly good person, but when I drink, the alcohol makes me say and do things I wouldn't normally do.
Breaker: Well, that explains it.
Glitch: So, do we still press charges?
Breaker: Who are we gonna convict? Johnny Walker?
Reporter: Poor woman. She's a victim.
redmage777: Yeah, a hot victim.
Lawyer: [Stepping up to the mic] My client has agreed to check herself into rehab immediately.

[Everyone cheers. Cut to the Online Drug & Alcohol Rehabilitation Center. Patients line up and go in through a revolving door only to come back out and continue down the line. Inside, PrrKitty is talking to a counselor]

Counselor: Alcohol is a crutch which we use to medicate ourselves; to, to cover up emotional baggage from our past. Was there ever a history of sexual abuse in your family?
PrrKitty: [Looking away and clearly just going through the motions] No, but my uncle used to ask me and my twin sister to kiss and he'd take pictures.
Counselor: Nissse. [Sometime later, they're outside the center. He's seeing her off] Congratulations, PrrKitty. You're clean. Now stay that way, y'hear?
PrrKitty: Will do!

[She walks away, gets into her truck and drives away. She drives up to the Pineconn_lolz's house, stops, gets out a ladder and extends it, props it up against his window, and climbs up. Inside Pineconn_lolz's room, he's building something with his Lego. PrrKitty appears at the window and opens it up]

PrrKitty: Lolz! [She climbs in and walks to him. He turns and stands, his arms outstretched]
Pineconn_lolz: Kitty! [They hug]
PrrKitty: Listen, we have to get out of here. They'll never let us be together. I think... I think we should go to Milan, like we always talked about.
Pineconn_lolz: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay, Mulan!
PrrKitty: Pack your stuff, we don't have much time!

[Cut to outside. Pineconn is walking down the street, humming a merry tune to himself. He turns a corner and is almost run over by PrrKitty's truck as it speeds round. He recovers, then sees the ladder lying on Pineconn_lolz's house. He suddenly realizes what's happened and runs after the truck, which vanishes into the ether]

[Cut to the Breaker-Zord. The guys are lounging around again when Pineconn and Pineconn_lolz's mother run in]

Breaker: Are you sure you're not lying, Glitch?
Glitch: No, really! I shot both of them! They weren't even doin' nothin'!
Pineconn_lolz's Mum: Help! Please, I need your help! That moderator, PrrKitty, she, she left town with my son! I got a note saying they're going to Milan!
Breaker: You're kidding!
Pineconn_lolz's Mum: No, it's true! [She waves the note]
Breaker: Dammit! Where were all these sexed-up moderators when I was a noob?
Pineconn_lolz's Mum: This is serious!
ShadowTiger: Yeah, the boy's going to Milan with a beautiful older woman. Quick! Call the FBI! [The others laugh]
Pineconn_lolz's Mum: Are you going to do nothing?!
Breaker: [Irritated] All right all right, we'll make a report. Jesus...

[Sometime later, outside the AGN Cafe. Pineconn sits on one of the outside tables, depressed. Darth walks up to him]

Darth: There you are. What are you doing?
Pineconn: I'm thinking... why should I care? He was an irritating little git and nobody else liked him, but I still feel kinda responsible for him. Why?
Darth: 'cause if it weren't for you brah, he wouldn't be here.
Pineconn: ...oh yeah. My bad, sorry.
Darth: Eh, it's cool brah. We all screw up sometimes.
Pineconn: Thanks. You're a good friend, man.
Darth: What, even in this get-up?
Pineconn: Heh. Yeah. Actually, the goatee suits you.
Darth: Really? I was thinking of keeping it.
Pineconn: Yeah, you should. It's you, y'know?
Darth: Heh. Yeah. [A few moments of silence pass] So you just gonna give up, brah?
Pineconn: The guy's in Milan. There's nothing I can do.
Darth: No, they haven't left yet. Their flight is tomorrow morning.
Pineconn: ...how the hell do you know that?
Darth: I had VEL check out their Travelocity account.
Pineconn: VEL?
Darth: Yeah, VEL is my bitch now. I put a whole crew together, brah. I'm gonna get that forum-defiling slut no matter what it takes! Are you in?!

[Another music video. In this one, Darth introduces his crew. We get 'VEL - Darth's Bitch', 'Lilith - Darth's Driver', 'Yoshiman - Darth's Muscle' and 'Pineconn - n00b'. All of them wear T-shirts with a little South-Park style Darth on them]

Darth: I got some badass guys to help me.
I only had to pay them twenty bucks.
You think you got away with not having a season pass?
You won't get away from me 'cause I'm the Dawg!
I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg!
Think you can get away with not having a season pass? Think again! [The video ends and the hallway looks normal again] How was that, DarkDragon?
DarkDragon: Yeah, that was pretty good.
Pineconn: Can we please get going now?
Darth: Yep. That was the music video - now let's roll!

[Cut to an airport Hilton, night. Planes can be seen behind it taking off. Zoom into one of the windows to reveal PrrKitty's room. Pineconn_lolz is in bed watching Pokemon or some other lame crap as and PrrKitty comes out of the bathroom in a dressing gown]

PrrKitty: Lolz, is that all you're gonna do - watch TV?
Pineconn_lolz: I love TV. Yaaay!
PrrKitty: [Climbing into bed] But what about me? I want to talk. [Pineconn_lolz looks at her for a minute before turning back to watching the TV again]

[Cut to the inside of a car, night. Darth and his crew are driving to the airport, and by extension, the Hilton]

Darth: [Holding up a picture of PrrKitty] Everyone get a good look at our fugitive! I want her taken down fast and clean!
Yoshiman: She ran away, so now she got to deal with the Dawg, huh?
Darth: ...yeah. Yeah she does. [Focusing] VEL found out they have a room at the Airport Hilton. We need to search it. Here's the hotel! [Speaks into a walkie-talkie] VEL, tell Lilith to pull up here! [She does so. The car pulls up to the hotel entrance and brakes quickly] All right, let's go! Move out! [They all leave the SUV and rush into the hotel]
Bellboy: Hey! You can't leave your car there!
Darth: It's Ok - I'm a forum mod! [The group pass through the front entrance] Keep separation! Lilith, check out our twenty!
Receptionist: Can I help you?
Darth: You seen this woman, brah? [He shows her the picture of PrrKitty] She's staying here!
Receptionist: Who are you?
Darth: [Sings] I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg...
Head Concierge: I think you should leave, before I call the police!
Darth: VEL! Bear-mace that guy! [She sprays bear mace all over the concierge and he crumbles to the floor, trying to vomit] Let's check out the rooms! Lilith, Pineconn: you go that way! VEL, you're with me!
Bellboy: [Dials 911 on his mobile] We need the police here, right away!

[Darth begins his rounds. He goes to Room 236 and knocks on the door with the bear mace can]
Guest 1: [Opening the door] Yes?
Darth: I'm looking for this mod. [Out with the picture again] Is she in your room, brah?!
Guest 2: [An elderly man in Room 233 opens his door] Do you mind keepin' it down?
Darth: [Walks over to the second guest and threatens him with his bear mace] Keep your mouth shut, brah!!

[PrrKitty's room. Both of them react to something. In the distance, police sirens sound and get closer to the hotel. PrrKitty looks out the window and sees three police cruisers pull up to the hotel, right outside her window]

PrrKitty: Oh no! Pineconn_lolz! [He climbs up to see the commotion] They're on to us!
Pineconn_lolz: Oh no!
PrrKitty: Hurry darling! We have to get out of here!

[Meanwhile, the police rush into the hotel lobby. The bear maced concierge is vomiting over the floor]

Officers: What have we got? What have we got?!
Officer: Who called 911?!
Receptionist: They went that way. [She points in the direction Pineconn and Lilith took. The concierge throws up again. The officers leave] Look out! They have bear mace!

[The hotel, upstairs. Pineconn and Lilith make the rounds on the third floor]

Lilith: [Knocking on a door] Open up, I'm with a psychopathic Sith Lord! [Her walkie talkie sounds up - she answers it]
Darth: [Over walkie talkie] I heard that.
Lilith: ...how the hell'd he do that?
Pineconn: Oh crap! [He's seem some officers round the corner at the far end of the hall]
Officer: [Draws his gun] You freeze right there! [Of course they don't. Pineconn and Lilith run in the other direction]

[The fifth floor. PrrKitty covers up and peeks into the hallway. She looks both ways, then steps out of the room]

PrrKitty: Come on, darling! [Pineconn_lolz steps out and they beginning walking. Yoshiman rounds the corner behind them and catches them]
Yoshiman: Ha! [The pair stop and the camera zooms in on Yoshiman as he fumbles with his walkie talkie. Eventually he gets it working] Uh I got 'em, Dawg. Fifth floor!
Darth: Praise Christ! Let's go! [The elderly man is convulsing from the effects of the bear mace]
PrrKitty: Lolz, run! [Back on the second floor, Darth and VEL run down a hallway]
Darth: Bear mace that guy! And that guy! [VEL maces another bellboy and a guest as she and Darth run by. Police officers round the corner and run after them]

[Cut to the roof. PrrKitty and Pineconn_lolz have made it all the way to the top. Dart, VEL and Yoshiman show up behind them and run out onto the roof. Police officers show up behind them and run out onto the roof ]

Darth: Freeze, bitch!
Officers: Freeze! Hands up! Don't move! Etc!
Darth: It's all right! There's been a misunderstanding! I'm a moderator. [The officers are somewhat stunned] This fugitive is trying to avoid a forum infraction by skipping off to Milan.
Officer: Hey, that is the mod we just got the report about. [She and Pineconn_lolz back up slowly, towards the roof's edge. Pineconn and Lilith show up]
Officer: [Through his megaphone] All right PrrKitty, you've got nowhere to run!
PrrKitty: Why couldn't you just leave us alone? All we wanted was to love.
Darth: Get down! We can do this the easy way, or we can do it Dawg-style!
Yoshiman: She gawt a scarf awn her heyd, huh?
Darth: God dammit Yoshi, shut up.
PrrKitty: It's all over, Lolz. Milan, the house in Tuscany. They'll never let us be together! We have to go with the backup plan. [She and Pineconn_lolz walk to the roof's edge and look down at the ground]
Officer: [Through his megaphone] Now hold on, don't do anything foolish! We can talk about this!
PrrKitty: [Returning from the edge with Pineconn_lolz] You can't accept our love? So then we can only be together in eternity!
Pineconn: [Steps through the crowd towards Pineconn_lolz] No! Don't do it, man!
Pineconn_lolz: I don deser futty bad man.
Pineconn: Look, please. I know your first love seems like the only love, but trust me, it's not. You have so much life ahead of you. [Pineconn_lolz looks at Pineconn intently]
PrrKitty: You who don't believe in true love don't understand.
Pineconn: You need to have a life. Have fun. Then ruin it by having a serious relationship.
PrrKitty: I'm afraid you're too late. [To Pineconn_lolz] Are you ready, my love? [She and Pineconn_lolz turn around and run for the edge] Here we go! One, two, three, aaaahhh! [She steps onto the edge, but stops. Pineconn_lolz goes all the way and jumps off. He lands face first onto the pavement and splatters, his remains looking somewhat like a badly made pizza. PrrKitty watches this, then steps off the ledge back onto the roof]
PrrKitty: God, what an idiot.
Pineconn: Wait, what?
PrrKitty: God, that made me feel like a little schoolgirl all over again.
Pineconn: WHAT?
Darth: So you were just using him the whole time?
PrrKitty: ...yeah.
Darth: Fair enough. I guess all that's left is the forum infraction.
PrrKitty: ...Ok, how bad's it gonna be?
Darth: ...will you sneak into the hallways and make out with that guy again?
PrrKitty: Given that he's dead, I very much doubt it.
Darth: Then I guess you've learnt your lesson. Just don't do it again, mkay?
PrrKitty: ...yeah, Ok.
Pineconn: [Flustered] But... but I was supposed to save him! It was gonna be the whole crux of the episode!
PrrKitty: Oh, shut up. He was an asshole. He deserved to die.
Pineconn: Well yeah, but I thought I was gonna do it.
PrrKitty: Then you thought wrong, didn't you?
Darth: [Moves towards the camera] Well, looks like once again, the Dawg has prevailed. I hope you've learned, kids, that if you don't go with Christ, you could end up just like that Mozart masterpiece down on the pavement.
Officer: Hey, you guys need to get off the roof now.
Darth: That's cool. I'm done making my video anyway. [He walks towards the camera and turn it off]

[Pineconn]

Well, that's the last one. If anyone has not read these, get out of the hole you're living in and read them! Oh, and I forgot to mention:

Darth: [Moves towards the camera] Well, looks like once again, the Dawg has prevailed. I hope you've learned, kids, that if you don't go with Christ, you could end up just like that Mozart masterpiece down on the pavement.

You do realize that Mozart composed music, right? :p

[Darth Marsden]

That's the joke. Wait to go and ruin it. :p

Thanks for waiting until I'd posted them all. It looks all neat and pretty now. You know I've gone and changed them slightly, right? There's a whole new excuse to read them all over again. Also: check back tomorrow morning (American time).

[biggiy05]

Well, that's the last one. If anyone has not read these, get out of the hole you're living in and read them! Oh, and I forgot to mention:



You do realize that Mozart composed music, right? :p

Have you seen the South Park episode? It's just one of Cartman's random quotes .