Between Angels and Devils

[Pineconn]

I noticed [well, quite a few] typos, but I assumed since:

It's still only a first draft, but given that the night I was writing it the house was having power blips and my PC kept resetting itself, I ended up re-writing several sections.

...that they will have been worked out before publication.

[Dechipher]

Y'all need to pay attention to tenses of contractions <hug>

Shouldn't... "Why the meeting had to take place down by the seafront he’s never know." ...

Be: "Why the meeting had to take place down by the seafront he’ll never know."

:)

Wouldn't it be
"Why the meeting had to take place down by the seafront he's never known."
?

[Lilith]

sucks, redo it

[Darth Marsden]

Thanks for that wonderful piece of help, Lilith.

Nice to see so many people interested in my work! Seriously. Appreciate all the comments you've made so far, especially regarding that one sentence which I wasn't altogether sure about in the first place. Taking all your thoughts into account, I've redone the section slightly, and this is what I've got now:

It was a cold, dark and generally unpleasant Thursday evening. A light fall of rain and a chilling wind combined to prevent anyone from coming out. Why was the meeting taking place down by the seafront? It was a depressing area in the best of times, but in these conditions it because a whole new nightmare.
Daniel Jordan reached into his pocket and fished out a stick of gum. He carefully unwrapped it and placed the stick into his mouth. He’d been out here for an hour, and he was thoroughly fed up. If he didn’t show up...
As if to answer his question, a man stepped out of a nearby street and walked towards the pier. As he crossed the road, Daniel could just make out his suit under the heavy coat. This was his man. He stood up, making sure that he wasn’t seen, and followed him towards what had once been a place of happy memories for him.
The man walked down to the side of the pier and made his way towards the beach. It would be impossible to follow him down there, so he’d just have to take the high road. Daniel walked up to the entrance of the pier and carefully climbed over the locked gate. If anybody saw him, they made no indication of the fact.
Blessing the inspiration that had made him wear his trainers rather than his boots, Daniel quietly made his way along the pier, looking over the side to make sure he was keeping up with the man he’d been waiting for. Suddenly he disappeared. Daniel looked over and checked up and down, but he’d vanished. Then he heard voices beneath him and he realized that that man had simply walked underneath the pier. Handy meeting place, he thought to himself as he pressed himself down to the well-worn wood to hear what was going on beneath him.
‘Christ, it’s cold.’
‘What do you expect? It’s January.’
‘...yeah. I guess so.’
Daniel could tell that the man was scared. He should be. He was selling company secrets, a crime which, if Daniel could prove, would see the man locked away for a good while. Reaching into his coat pocket and pulling out a small Dictaphone, he placed it on the wood beside him and, timing it so that the sound of the waves covered up the slight click, started recording.
‘Did you bring them?’
‘...yeah. Yeah, they’re here.’
There was the sound of something being drawn from the man’s coat and passed over to the other, faceless figure who was awaiting them. Then a slight rustling, as if the second man was flicking through them, making sure they were what he wanted.
‘Good. Here.’
More sounds. Daniel had been doing this long enough to imagine the envelope full of money being passed over, the greedy hands snatching it and opening it, eager to feel the cash for themselves. A name, dammit. That was all he needed now.
‘There... there’s not enough here’ There was a slight panic set into the voice.
‘Yes. You inconvenienced us. Canceled a meeting we had taken great pains to arrange. There is still plenty there.’
‘But... we arranged for five thousand.’ The voice was more defiant now. He was being wronged, and he wasn’t standing for it. ‘There’s less then four here.’
‘Exactly four thousand.’ The other voice was calm, assured. He’d done this before, god knows how many times. ‘It was very inconvenient.’
‘Dammit all, that’s not fair! They switched my schedule at the last minute; there was nothing I could do!’ The panic had crept back in.
‘That is not our fault. We arranged a time and a place at our expense. Your changes cost us, and we have deducted you the appropriate amount. You are hardly in a position to argue.’
Something happened that Daniel couldn’t follow. He’d have to see what was going on. Carefully he moved to one of the thin slits between planks and looked down. Even in the darkness, he recognized the glint of a pistol. Which one of them was holding it, though?
‘Simon, don’t be like this.’
Simon. The name. That was all he needed. He could run away, get out, earn his reward. But something stopped him. It was Simon who was holding the gun. The same Simon, he had been assured by the company representative who had approached him the previous day, who was harmless. Who was probably only doing this to pay for his mother’s health care. Daniel looked further up - the other man had his arms out in front of him, gesturing to Simon that this was pointless.
‘I want the other thousand.’
‘The man smiled. Daniel knew, just from that expression, that he didn’t have it on him. He also knew that someone was going to get shot, and that someone was probably going to be Simon. He held his breath.
‘I don’t have it.’
‘Then get it.’
‘Take what you have and leave. This is pointless.’
Simon fired a shot into the ground. It echoed around noisily. What the hell was he doing? This wasn’t going to get him anywhere.
‘I need it.’
‘That is a shame. But you will not get it this way. If you were prepared to perform another small task for us, however-’
Another shot, but this time into the air, or rather, the pier. The bullet passed through the wood and flew right past Daniel’s ear, and he involuntarily rolled away from it. As soon as he had done so, he cursed himself. They would have heard him, knew that someone was spying on them. Daniel grabbed the Dictaphone and ran like hell for the town proper, all attempts at stealth forgotten.
He leapt over the metal barrier at the side of the pier, landing on the shells that made up the upper half of the beach. Barely pausing for breath, he continued onwards, ignoring the shots that echoed around. Was it Simon or the other man who was firing the gun? Daniel guessed it would be the other man. Simon didn’t seem like the type to try and kill a man. Then again, he didn’t seem the type to carry a gun, and he’d done that. Another pullet passed him and shook him out of his thoughts. No time for that. Get to safety. Pass the evidence on to the men who wanted it.
After what seemed like an hour, Daniel made it to the pavement. Dashing across the road, he vanished into the shadows of the buildings on the other side. Whoever was chasing him would have a hard time finding him, it they bothered to try at all.
They didn’t. People had been woken by the shots, and as the man approached the road, a shrill woman’s voice yelled at him to stop making so much noise. The man stopped and paused to catch his breath. He wasn’t going to find whoever it was. Probably just some kid out for a wander who’d wondered what was going on. He shook his head and put the gun into the waistband of his trousers. It was nothing to worry about.
Three days later, Simon Demeal was arrested on the charge of corporate espionage. The story wasn’t particularly newsworthy and barely registered in the public’s eye, but as Daniel Jordan placed the case file into the cabinet along with all the other successful cases he’d taken on during the last year and a half, he couldn’t help but allow himself a brief smile. It may not have been a particularly flashy case, but it made a change from the rut he’d gotten himself into. And the bonus he’d gotten once the verdict of ‘guilty’ had been given was a pleasant surprise. As he closed the drawer of the filing cabinet, he made a mental note to call back and thank the company for their generosity. But it could wait until tomorrow. Rescue Me was on in half an hour.

Pineconn: Bear in mind I'm from the UK and we spell some words differently over here. Even so, I only found two typos, both of which are now fixed.

New thoughts?

[Pineconn]

--It was a depressing area in the best of times, but in these conditions it because a whole new nightmare.

--‘I want the other thousand.’
‘The man smiled. Daniel knew, just from that expression, that he didn’t have it on him.

(There shouldn't be a ‘ in front of the narration.)

--He also knew that someone was going to get shot, and that someone was probably going to be Simon.

(This isn't a typo, but I thought Simon was holding the gun. How would Simon get shot? Or are both men holding guns? Even so, it wasn't apparent.)

--Whoever was chasing him would have a hard time finding him, it they bothered to try at all.

...And that's all. No big deal. :)

[Prrkitty]

he's = he is

he'll = he will

"... but in these conditions it because a whole new nightmare."

could/should read "... but in these conditions it became a whole new nightmare."

[Darth Marsden]

Ack! Stupid me. I'll get it right one of these days. Ok, let's try that again:

It was a cold, dark and generally unpleasant Thursday evening. A light fall of rain and a chilling wind combined to prevent anyone from coming out. Why was the meeting taking place down by the seafront? It was a depressing area in the best of times, but in these conditions it became a whole new nightmare.
Daniel Jordan reached into his pocket and fished out a stick of gum. He carefully unwrapped it and placed the stick into his mouth. He’d been out here for an hour, and he was thoroughly fed up. If he didn’t show up...
As if to answer his question, a man stepped out of a nearby street and walked towards the pier. As he crossed the road, Daniel could just make out his suit under the heavy coat. This was his man. He stood up, making sure that he wasn’t seen, and followed him towards what had once been a place of happy memories for him.
The man walked down to the side of the pier and made his way towards the beach. It would be impossible to follow him down there, so he’d just have to take the high road. Daniel walked up to the entrance of the pier and carefully climbed over the locked gate. If anybody saw him, they made no indication of the fact.
Blessing the inspiration that had made him wear his trainers rather than his boots, Daniel quietly made his way along the pier, looking over the side to make sure he was keeping up with the man he’d been waiting for. Suddenly he disappeared. Daniel looked over and checked up and down, but he’d vanished. Then he heard voices beneath him and he realized that that man had simply walked underneath the pier. Handy meeting place, he thought to himself as he pressed himself down to the well-worn wood to hear what was going on beneath him.
‘Christ, it’s cold.’
‘What do you expect? It’s January.’
‘...yeah. I guess so.’
Daniel could tell that the man was scared. He should be. He was selling company secrets, a crime which, if Daniel could prove, would see the man locked away for a good while. Reaching into his coat pocket and pulling out a small Dictaphone, he placed it on the wood beside him and, timing it so that the sound of the waves covered up the slight click, started recording.
‘Did you bring them?’
‘...yeah. Yeah, they’re here.’
There was the sound of something being drawn from the man’s coat and passed over to the other, faceless figure who was awaiting them. Then a slight rustling, as if the second man was flicking through them, making sure they were what he wanted.
‘Good. Here.’
More sounds. Daniel had been doing this long enough to imagine the envelope full of money being passed over, the greedy hands snatching it and opening it, eager to feel the cash for themselves. A name, dammit. That was all he needed now.
‘There... there’s not enough here’ There was a slight panic set into the voice.
‘Yes. You inconvenienced us. Canceled a meeting we had taken great pains to arrange. There is still plenty there.’
‘But... we arranged for five thousand.’ The voice was more defiant now. He was being wronged, and he wasn’t standing for it. ‘There’s less then four here.’
‘Exactly four thousand.’ The other voice was calm, assured. He’d done this before, god knows how many times. ‘It was very inconvenient.’
‘Dammit all, that’s not fair! They switched my schedule at the last minute; there was nothing I could do!’ The panic had crept back in.
‘That is not our fault. We arranged a time and a place at our expense. Your changes cost us, and we have deducted you the appropriate amount. You are hardly in a position to argue.’
Something happened that Daniel couldn’t follow. He’d have to see what was going on. Carefully he moved to one of the thin slits between planks and looked down. Even in the darkness, he recognized the glint of a pistol. Which one of them was holding it, though?
‘Simon, don’t be like this.’
Simon. The name. That was all he needed. He could run away, get out, earn his reward. But something stopped him. It was Simon who was holding the gun. The same Simon, he had been assured by the company representative who had approached him the previous day, who was harmless. Who was probably only doing this to pay for his mother’s health care. Daniel looked further up - the other man had his arms out in front of him, gesturing to Simon that this was pointless.
‘I want the other thousand.’
The man smiled. Daniel knew, just from that expression, that he didn’t have it on him. He also knew that someone was going to get hurt, and that man would probably be Simon. The other man had the look of confidence on his face that almost guaranteed he would survive. He held his breath as he continued to watch.
‘I don’t have it.’
‘Then get it.’
‘Take what you have and leave. This is pointless.’
Simon fired a shot into the ground. It echoed around noisily. What the hell was he doing? This wasn’t going to get him anywhere.
‘I need it.’
‘That is a shame. But you will not get it this way. If you were prepared to perform another small task for us, however-’
Another shot, but this time into the air, or rather, the pier. The bullet passed through the wood and flew right past Daniel’s ear, and he involuntarily rolled away from it. As soon as he had done so, he cursed himself. They would have heard him, knew that someone was spying on them. Daniel grabbed the Dictaphone and ran like hell for the town proper, all attempts at stealth forgotten.
He leapt over the metal barrier at the side of the pier, landing on the shells that made up the upper half of the beach. Barely pausing for breath, he continued onwards, ignoring the shots that echoed around. Was it Simon or the other man who was firing the gun? Daniel guessed it would be the other man. Simon didn’t seem like the type to try and kill a man. Then again, he didn’t seem the type to carry a gun, and he’d done that. Another pullet passed him and shook him out of his thoughts. No time for that. Get to safety. Pass the evidence on to the men who wanted it.
After what seemed like an hour, Daniel made it to the pavement. Dashing across the road, he vanished into the shadows of the buildings on the other side. Whoever was chasing him would have a hard time finding him, if they bothered to try at all.
They didn’t. People had been woken by the shots, and as the man approached the road, a shrill woman’s voice yelled at him to stop making so much noise. The man stopped and paused to catch his breath. He wasn’t going to find whoever it was. Probably just some kid out for a wander who’d wondered what was going on. He shook his head and put the gun into the waistband of his trousers. It was nothing to worry about.
Three days later, Simon Demeal was arrested on the charge of corporate espionage. The story wasn’t particularly newsworthy and barely registered in the public’s eye, but as Daniel Jordan placed the case file into the cabinet along with all the other successful cases he’d taken on during the last year and a half, he couldn’t help but allow himself a brief smile. It may not have been a particularly flashy case, but it made a change from the rut he’d gotten himself into. And the bonus he’d gotten once the verdict of ‘guilty’ had been given was a pleasant surprise. As he closed the drawer of the filing cabinet, he made a mental note to call back and thank the company for their generosity. But it could wait until tomorrow. Rescue Me was on in half an hour.

There. Fault THAT.

[Prrkitty]

:) couldn't find one Darthy... fault that is. So there!! *sticking my tongue out atcha*

By the way... very nice start to the story. I would honestly like to keep reading it as you add to it. Please and thank you :)

[Pineconn]

--It was a cold, dark and generally unpleasant...

(Nowadays, there is a comma before the "and" when you use a list of 3 or more. However, it is still acceptable to exclude it. So I wouldn't change it if you would have to break a habit.)

--Reaching into his coat pocket and pulling out a small Dictaphone, he placed it on the wood beside him and, timing it so that the sound of the waves covered up the slight click, started recording.

(You kind of change tenses here. It's slightly nonparallel. I suggest that you change "covered" to "would cover". But it's not technically incorrect.)

--Another pullet passed him and shook him out of his thoughts.

(Another what, now?)

So only one more definitive error. Maybe I should stop this. My English teacher always told us that we would never make friends correcting people's grammar.

But I really do like your intro. I also like your style; it's sort of stream-of-consciousness.

[Darth Marsden]

Cries

It was a cold, dark and generally unpleasant Thursday evening. A light fall of rain and a chilling wind combined to prevent anyone from coming out. Why was the meeting taking place down by the seafront? It was a depressing area in the best of times, but in these conditions it became a whole new nightmare.
Daniel Jordan reached into his pocket and fished out a stick of gum. He carefully unwrapped it and placed the stick into his mouth. He’d been out here for an hour, and he was thoroughly fed up. If he didn’t show up...
As if to answer his question, a man stepped out of a nearby street and walked towards the pier. As he crossed the road, Daniel could just make out his suit under the heavy coat. This was his man. He stood up, making sure that he wasn’t seen, and followed him towards what had once been a place of happy memories for him.
The man walked down to the side of the pier and made his way towards the beach. It would be impossible to follow him down there, so he’d just have to take the high road. Daniel walked up to the entrance of the pier and carefully climbed over the locked gate. If anybody saw him, they made no indication of the fact.
Blessing the inspiration that had made him wear his trainers rather than his boots, Daniel quietly made his way along the pier, looking over the side to make sure he was keeping up with the man he’d been waiting for. Suddenly he disappeared. Daniel looked over and checked up and down, but he’d vanished. Then he heard voices beneath him and he realized that that man had simply walked underneath the pier. Handy meeting place, he thought to himself as he pressed himself down to the well-worn wood to hear what was going on beneath him.
‘Christ, it’s cold.’
‘What do you expect? It’s January.’
‘...yeah. I guess so.’
Daniel could tell that the man was scared. He should be. He was selling company secrets, a crime which, if Daniel could prove, would see the man locked away for a good while. Reaching into his coat pocket and pulling out a small Dictaphone, he placed it on the wood beside him and, timing it so that the sound of the waves would cover up the slight click, pressed the record button.
‘Did you bring them?’
‘...yeah. Yeah, they’re here.’
There was the sound of something being drawn from the man’s coat and passed over to the other, faceless figure who was awaiting them. Then a slight rustling, as if the second man was flicking through them, making sure they were what he wanted.
‘Good. Here.’
More sounds. Daniel had been doing this long enough to imagine the envelope full of money being passed over, the greedy hands snatching it and opening it, eager to feel the cash for themselves. A name, dammit. That was all he needed now.
‘There... there’s not enough here’ There was a slight panic set into the voice.
‘Yes. You inconvenienced us. Canceled a meeting we had taken great pains to arrange. There is still plenty there.’
‘But... we arranged for five thousand.’ The voice was more defiant now. He was being wronged, and he wasn’t standing for it. ‘There’s less then four here.’
‘Exactly four thousand.’ The other voice was calm, assured. He’d done this before, god knows how many times. ‘It was very inconvenient.’
‘Dammit all, that’s not fair! They switched my schedule at the last minute; there was nothing I could do!’ The panic had crept back in.
‘That is not our fault. We arranged a time and a place at our expense. Your changes cost us, and we have deducted you the appropriate amount. You are hardly in a position to argue.’
Something happened that Daniel couldn’t follow. He’d have to see what was going on. Carefully he moved to one of the thin slits between planks and looked down. Even in the darkness, he recognized the glint of a pistol. Which one of them was holding it, though?
‘Simon, don’t be like this.’
Simon. The name. That was all he needed. He could run away, get out, earn his reward. But something stopped him. It was Simon who was holding the gun. The same Simon, he had been assured by the company representative who had approached him the previous day, who was harmless. Who was probably only doing this to pay for his mother’s health care. Daniel looked further up - the other man had his arms out in front of him, gesturing to Simon that this was pointless.
‘I want the other thousand.’
The man smiled. Daniel knew, just from that expression, that he didn’t have it on him. He also knew that someone was going to get hurt, and that man would probably be Simon. The other man had the look of confidence on his face that almost guaranteed he would survive. He held his breath as he continued to watch.
‘I don’t have it.’
‘Then get it.’
‘Take what you have and leave. This is pointless.’
Simon fired a shot into the ground. It echoed around noisily. What the hell was he doing? This wasn’t going to get him anywhere.
‘I need it.’
‘That is a shame. But you will not get it this way. If you were prepared to perform another small task for us, however-’
Another shot, but this time into the air, or rather, the pier. The bullet passed through the wood and flew right past Daniel’s ear, and he involuntarily rolled away from it. As soon as he had done so, he cursed himself. They would have heard him, knew that someone was spying on them. Daniel grabbed the Dictaphone and ran like hell for the town proper, all attempts at stealth forgotten.
He leapt over the metal barrier at the side of the pier, landing on the shells that made up the upper half of the beach. Barely pausing for breath, he continued onwards, ignoring the shots that echoed around. Was it Simon or the other man who was firing the gun? Daniel guessed it would be the other man. Simon didn’t seem like the type to try and kill a man. Then again, he didn’t seem the type to carry a gun, and he’d done that. Another bullet passed him and shook him out of his thoughts. No time for that. Get to safety. Pass the evidence on to the men who wanted it.
After what seemed like an hour, Daniel made it to the pavement. Dashing across the road, he vanished into the shadows of the buildings on the other side. Whoever was chasing him would have a hard time finding him, if they bothered to try at all.
They didn’t. People had been woken by the shots, and as the man approached the road, a shrill woman’s voice yelled at him to stop making so much noise. The man stopped and paused to catch his breath. He wasn’t going to find whoever it was. Probably just some kid out for a wander who’d wondered what was going on. He shook his head and put the gun he'd snatched from Simon into the waistband of his trousers. It was nothing to worry about.
Three days later, Simon Demeal was arrested on the charge of corporate espionage. The story wasn’t particularly newsworthy and barely registered in the public’s eye, but as Daniel Jordan placed the case file into the cabinet along with all the other successful cases he’d taken on during the last year and a half, he couldn’t help but allow himself a brief smile. It may not have been a particularly flashy case, but it made a change from the rut he’d gotten himself into. And the bonus he’d gotten once the verdict of ‘guilty’ had been given was a pleasant surprise. As he closed the drawer of the filing cabinet, he made a mental note to call back and thank the company for their generosity. But it could wait until tomorrow. Rescue Me was on in half an hour.

Actually, I have asked you to point out my mistakes, so you're not losing a friend at all. It's better to have them pointed out now rather than later, so thanks for spotting them all.

I like to think of you guys as my test group, and you've all done a great job. Thanks a million, all of you. Now if we're all done with this chapter, I think it's time for the next one...