Between Angels and Devils

[Darth Marsden]

As mentioned/threatened in my other thread ( ), this is the first chapter of the novel I'm currently writing. It's still only a first draft, but given that the night I was writing it the house was having power blips and my PC kept resetting itself, I ended up re-writing several sections. Take that as you will.

Thoughts and comments would be appreciated, but not essential.

Now... are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin...

Daniel Jordan - Between Angels and Devils

Chapter I - Hidden in Plain Sight

It was a cold, dark and generally unpleasant Thursday evening. It was raining slightly and the wind was chilling to the bone. Why the meeting had to take place down by the seafront he’s never know. It was a depressing place in the best of times, but in these conditions it because a whole new nightmare.
Daniel Jordan reached into his pocket and fished out a stick of gum. He carefully unwrapped it and placed the stick into his mouth. He’d been out here for an hour, and he was thoroughly fed up. If he didn’t show up...
As if to answer his question, a man stepped out of a nearby street and walked towards the pier. As he crossed the road, Daniel could just make out his suit under the heavy coat. This was his man. He stood up, making sure that he wasn’t seen, and followed him towards what had once been a place of happy memories for him.
The man walked down to the side of the pier and made his way towards the beach. It would be impossible to follow him down there, so he’d just have to take the high road. Daniel walked up to the entrance of the pier and carefully climbed over the locked gate. If anybody saw him, they made no indication of the fact.
Blessing the inspiration that had made him wear his trainers rather than his boots, Daniel quietly made his way along the pier, looking over the side to make sure he was keeping up with the man he’d been waiting for. Suddenly he disappeared. Daniel looked over and checked up and down, but he’d vanished. Then he heard voices beneath him and he realized that that man had simply walked underneath the pier. Handy meeting place, he thought to himself as he pressed himself down to the well-worn wood to hear what was going on beneath him.
‘Christ, it’s cold.’
‘What do you expect? It’s January.’
‘...yeah. I guess so.’
Daniel could tell that the man was scared. He should be. He was selling company secrets, a crime which, if Daniel could prove, would see the man locked away for a good while. Reaching into his coat pocket and pulling out a small Dictaphone, he placed it on the wood beside him and, timing it so that the sound of the waves covered up the slight click, started recording.
‘Did you bring them?’
‘...yeah. Yeah, they’re here.’
There was the sound of something being drawn from the man’s coat and passed over to the other, faceless figure who was awaiting them. Then a slight rustling, as if the second man was flicking through them, making sure they were what he wanted.
‘Good. Here.’
More sounds. Daniel had been doing this long enough to imagine the envelope full of money being passed over, the greedy hands snatching it and opening it, eager to feel the cash for themselves. A name, dammit. That was all he needed now.
‘There... there’s not enough here’ There was a slight panic set into the voice.
‘Yes. You inconvenienced us. Cancelled a meeting we had taken great pains to arrange. There is still plenty there.’
‘But... we arranged for five thousand.’ The voice was more defiant now. He was being wronged, and he wasn’t standing for it. ‘There’s less then four here.’
‘Exactly four thousand.’ The other voice was calm, assured. He’d done this before, god knows how many times. ‘It was very inconvenient.’
‘Dammit all, that’s not fair! They switched my schedule at the last minute; there was nothing I could do!’ The panic had snuck back in.
‘That is not our fault. We arranged a time and a place at our expense. Your changes cost us, and we have deducted you the appropriate amount. You are hardly in a position to argue.’
Something happened that Daniel couldn’t follow. He’d have to see what was going on. Carefully he moved to one of the thin slits between planks and looked down. Even in the darkness, he recognized the glint of a pistol. Which one of them was holding it, though?
‘Simon, don’t be like this.’
Simon. The name. That was all he needed. He could run away, get out, earn his reward. But something stopped him. It was Simon who was holding the gun. The same Simon, he had been assured by the company representative who had approached him the previous day, who was harmless. Who was probably only doing this to pay for his mother’s health care. Daniel looked further up - the other man had his arms out in front of him, gesturing to Simon that this was pointless.
‘I want the other thousand.’
‘The man smiled. Daniel knew, just from that expression, that he didn’t have it on him. He also knew that someone was going to get shot, and that someone was probably going to be Simon. He held his breath.
‘I don’t have it.’
‘Then get it.’
‘Take what you have and leave. This is pointless.’
Simon fired a shot into the ground. It echoed around noisily. What the hell was he doing? This wasn’t going to get him anywhere.
‘I need it.’
‘That is a shame. But you will not get it this way. If you were prepared to perform another small task for us, however-’
Another shot, but this time into the air, or rather, the pier. The bullet passed through the wood and flew right past Daniel’s ear, and he involuntarily rolled away from it. As soon as he had done so, he cursed himself. They would have heard him, knew that someone was spying on them. Daniel grabbed the Dictaphone and ran like hell for the town proper, all attempts at stealth forgotten.
He leapt over the side of the pier and landed on the shells that made up the beach. Barely pausing for breath, he continued onwards, ignoring the shots that echoed around. Was it Simon or the other man who was firing the gun? Daniel guessed it would be the other man. Simon didn’t seem like the type to try and kill a man. Then again, he didn’t seem the type to carry a gun, and he’d done that. Another pullet passed him and shook him out of his thoughts. No time for that. Get to safety. Pass the evidence on to the men who wanted it.
After what seemed like an hour, Daniel made it to the pavement. Dashing across the road, he vanished into the shadows of the buildings on the other side. Whoever was chasing him would have a hard time finding him, it they bothered to try at all.
They didn’t. People had been woken by the shots, and as the man approached the road, a shrill woman’s voice yelled at him to stop making so much noise. The man stopped and paused to catch his breath. He wasn’t going to find whoever it was. Probably just some kid out for a wander who’d wondered what was going on. He shook his head and put the gun into the waistband of his trousers. It was nothing to worry about.
Three days later, Simon Demeal was arrested on the charge of corporate espionage. The story wasn’t particularly newsworthy and barely registered in the public’s eye, but as Daniel Jordan placed the case file into the cabinet along with all the other successful cases he’d taken on during the last year and a half, he couldn’t help but allow himself a brief smile. It may not have been a particularly flashy case, but it made a change from the rut he’d gotten himself into. And the bonus he’d gotten once the verdict of ‘guilty’ had been given was a pleasant surprise. As he closed the drawer of the filing cabinet, he made a mental note to call back and thank the company for their generosity. But it could wait until tomorrow. Rescue Me was on in half an hour.

[Dechipher]

Just from reading that, I would suggest perhaps starting off with the first two lines of dialogue, and then going on to set the setting, so it's more like "Things are happening in real time" as opposed to "this happens and then this happens and so on.
Just my thought.

[Darth Marsden]

I can see what you're saying, but I'm not sure why you're saying it. Does it feel slightly wrong as it, or is that just how you would write it?

Taking your suggestion into account, I came up with this (again, it's only a brief draft, but see what you think):

‘Christ, it’s cold.’
‘What do you expect? It’s January.’
‘...yeah. I guess so.’
It was a cold, dark and generally unpleasant Thursday evening. It was raining slightly and the wind was chilling to the bone. Why the meeting had to take place down by the seafront he’s never know. It was a depressing place in the best of times, but in these conditions it because a whole new nightmare.
Daniel Jordan, lying face down on top of a pier, was watching the two men have their conversation. He quietly chewed the gum in his mouth as he mentally pictured the pair. One he knew, having followed him all the way here, but the other man was a mystery to him. All he knew was what he could piece together from the voice, and that was absolutely nothing.
Slowly he moved himself over to one of the cracks in the wooden planks that made up the pier, making sure not to knock over the Dictaphone he'd set up to record the conversation. The darkness hid the pair well - it was a good meeting place. His efforts to put a face to the voice thwarted, Daniel instead put his ear to the crack and listened to what he could.
‘Did you bring them?’
‘...yeah. Yeah, they’re here.’

...and so on. That seem better? Worse? No different? Thoughts please, people.

[Pineconn]

I personally like it how it is. I generally dislike books that begin into dialogue, and prefer those that describe the setting or mood first.

That is a great intro. Like I said, the scene is first described, then it gets suspenseful. That's a great attention-grabber. So I give a for it! So where does the book go after that? :)

[Glenn the Great]

I'm liking your story. It's very atmospheric, and I felt like I was there. It's nice how you were able to lay out the setting without wandering into any purple prose. Nice hardboiled crime story.

I think that it is better in its original form. Some things happen before people start speaking, and it is best to cover that first.

What I found sort of awkward, and maybe only because I'm not used to seeing the technique, is how you use a 3rd person narrator who personifies himself (i.e. thinks the thoughts of) with multiple characters. In this case, moving from mainly Daniel, over to Simon for a brief moment during the chase sequence. Usually in an attempt to create a 3rd person/1st person hybrid, the narrator will limit his mental empathy to the protagonist.

Your style of narration, combined with the past tense verbage, makes your story look like it was designed for an audio format, rather than visual in a book. This is another throwback to hardboiled fiction as you might have heard broadcast over radio in the old days. If anything, it gives your story a more classical feel.

[Dechipher]

I personally think it's better to start off with dialogue, because the whole starting with "It was..." seems a bit cliched and has been done many times before (and even if it hasn't it certainly feels like it has.) However, this would require a lot of changing around the events that happen (something that I missed on my first skim through.) My point is less about starting off with dialogue and more about changing up the first sentence. Also, the paragraph:

It was a cold, dark and generally unpleasant Thursday evening. It was raining slightly and the wind was chilling to the bone. Why the meeting had to take place down by the seafront he’s never know. It was a depressing place in the best of times, but in these conditions it because a whole new nightmare.

starts with "It was" a bit too much. Perhaps the following?

It was a cold, dark and generally unpleasant Thursday evening. The wind was chilling to the bone and it was lightly raining. Why the meeting had to take place down by the seafront he’s never know. Certainly it was a depressing place in the best of times, but in these conditions it became? a whole new nightmare.

Now, this is coming from a composer's standpoint moreso than a reader or a writer. As a composer, I find that I rarely encounter a problem with material, it's moreso about the flow, and that's what I try to scrutinize when reading that. Who am I to say "your material is good/bad?" I have no position to say that, obviously, and certainly not with any authority. However, I might be able to point a few inconsistencies in flow, and even if I'm dead off on any suggestion, it may bring other problems into light.
Every writer could work on something, so certainly, I'm not talking in terms of "good" or "bad." Such subjective terms are totally apart from what I'm focusing on, and I would hope that any suggestions I make would not reflect an opinion either way. It's not about what I like or don't like it's all about it how it feels in my head, for no doubt your style and tastes are vastly different from mine (this much can be seen from how we view the very opening. Who's to say that one is better or worse, inherently?) It's all about how the writing flows. That's what distinguishes fantastic authors/composers from great authors/composers from good authors/composers. Good writers can come up with good material and get it to flow decently without too many snags. Great writers often times will not have the best material, but can pace it so well that it feels like the material is good even if it is subpar. And Fantastic writers are those who can produce A material and pace in superbly. This is, obviously, where everyone desires to be, but it is far more challenging than one would suspect. Anyway, everything I've said applies to composing and, to some degree I feel, writing. I hope that I haven't sounded too pompous. I'm merely an infant in my studies of composition, and this is just what I've gathered so far.
Hope I've helped a little.

[Darth Marsden]

Thanks guys, good points all round. Lemme try that first section again:

It was a cold, dark and generally unpleasant Thursday evening. A light fall of rain and a chilling wind combined to prevent anyone from coming out. Why the meeting had to take place down by the seafront he’s never know. The area was depressing in the best of times, but in these conditions it because a whole new nightmare.

While I understand what you're saying Dechiper, I feel it works best if I don't start with dialog. It adds a sense of speed that isn't in the scene - Daniel (the lead character) has been waiting for this man for an hour, so he's had time to think about his surroundings.

And don't worry - you don't sound pompous. You sound like someone who knows what he's talking about. I appreciate that.

Pineconn: Allow me to quickly mock up the blurb on the back of the book...

Daniel Jordan is about to take on the greatest case of his career. Someone's gone missing, and when they turn up, it's with someone else who bares a remarkable similarity to the devil...

But that's not the only puzzling thing going on in the universe. People are asking questions. Where did the last two weeks go? Why are there devils being sighted? Who on Earth is Paul M Stepson? And why are people dying in the most horrific manner?

To get to the bottom of it all, Daniel's going to need every bit of strength he can summon. But even that might not be enough. This time, he might need to die for the cause...

[The_Amaster]

I like it. Seriously, I've read published authors who couldn't write that good(Mind you, they were on the back of cheap sci-fi/fantasy paperbacks). Still, you're dialouge is definetly the high-point of the excerpt.

He leapt over the side of the pier and landed on the shells that made up the beach.

Landed on the shells that made up the beach sounds a bit like you're forcing it, or somthing. I can't put my finger on it, but it sounds a bit awkward.

[Darth Marsden]

How about...

He leapt over the metal barrier at the side of the pier, landing on the shells that made up the upper half of the beach.

Feel any better?

[Prrkitty]

Y'all need to pay attention to tenses of contractions <hug>

Shouldn't... "Why the meeting had to take place down by the seafront he’s never know." ...

Be: "Why the meeting had to take place down by the seafront he’ll never know."

:)