Gather around, bitches.

[Darth Marsden]

...well, that was the worst nights sleep I've had in ages, but an audience awaits...

[Darth is running through the town, avoiding old people as he does. Suddenly, the alarm goes up - he's been spotted! He ducks into an alley and wonders how they saw him. Then he looks down - he's wearing a blue 'dragon' shirt. Cursing his luck, he climbs up the fire escape and makes for the roof as several elderly guards find him. They try to climb up the fire escape as well, but fail miserably. One falls down and creams about needing another hip replacement, while another has a heart attack. Darth watches with a smile, then jumps to the next roof. He's lost them.]

[CUT TO the drive-in. Everyone in the encampment is asleep now, except for Beldaran, who's talking to his Grandad on the other side of the fence.]

Beldaran: Jesus Christ Grandad, look at this! It's WW2 all over again!
Grandad: Don't you lecture me about WW2, Billy! I killed more Japs than you've killed them whatsit zombie thingies on your computermabobs!
Beldaran: Well actually, that's pretty unlikely. I've played a lot of zombie games. But look, this has gone way too far! You seriously need to stop this now!
Grandad: Or what? What are you gonna do, Billy? Cry about it? Complain? You can't stop us, Billy-boy! No-one can!

[Beldaran's Grandad turns and leaves. Very slowly. Beldaran just rolls his eyes and sits down on the ground against the fence. He mumbles something about Dead Rising being a good game and settles down to sleep.

CUT TO rooftop. Darth is looking over the town with a futuristic pair of binoculars (even though they're actually from the past) when he spots something. Zoom in to his view - it's a Country Kitchen Buffet. Back to Darth - he's got an idea, but before he can take it any further, he hears something behind him. He turns round and sees AtmaWeapon pointing a gun at him]

AtmaWeapon: Don't move!

[Darth holds out his hand and the gun flies from AtmaWeapon. He catches it, unloads the clip, shoots the round in the chamber into the air and then tosses the gun back to AtmaWeapon.]

AtmaWeapon: Oh, hey Darth.
Darth: Hey. What are you doing up here?
AtmaWeapon: [Moves next to Darth] Evading the old guys. You know LightningZ tried to take them on by himself?
Darth: Really? How'd that work out?
AtmaWeapon: Ah, he charged in screaming about his 'l33t hakzor skillz' and stuff, but they shot him down before he even got close.
Darth: Sounds familiar. Did that stop him?
AtmaWeapon: Nope. Did it again half an hour later. Same thing happened again.
Darth: Heh. Bloody script kiddies. ...actually, we could use that.
AtmaWeapon: What, seriously? You are joking, right? LightningZ actually being useful?
Darth: Well, I've got an idea. Lemme show you. The old people have blockades here [He points to the south side of town, where a wall has been erected] and here He points to the west side, another wall]. The old ladies are keeping watch in towers around the perimeter, and the leaders along with Beldaran's Grandfather are most likely in the Mayor's office. Right?
AtmaWeapon: Yeah, sounds about right.
Darth: Now loath as I am to admit it, there's too many of them for me to go on another killing spree without at least getting blood on my shirt, which I really don't wanna do becasue I love this shirt. So our only solution is to cut off their life force.
AtmaWeapon: And how do we do that?
Darth: Simple. I sneak into town and shut down their food supply. [He points to one particular building and hands the binoculars over to AtmaWeapon, who looks through them.]
AtmaWeapon: Country Kitchen Buffet?
Darth: Yep. You take that place out, and old people won't know what to do.
AtmaWeapon: That's quite possibly the stupidest thing I've heard you say since 'I didn't like The Godfather'.
Darth: What? I honestly didn't care for it!
AtmaWeapon: How can you say that? It's a perfect movie!
Darth: That's what everyone always says, but I just can't...
AtmaWeapon: Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino... You never see - Robert Duvall, for Christ's sake!
Darth: I know, I know. Fine actors, I just did not like the movie.
AtmaWeapon: Well... why not?
Darth: Hmm?
AtmaWeapon: Why didn't you like it?
Darth: I just couldn't get into it.
AtmaWeapon: Ok, you gotta explain that. Why couldn't you get into it?
Darth: [Slight Pause]...it insists upon itself.
AtmaWeapon: What! It has a valid point to make! It's insistant by its very nature!
Darth: It... it takes forever getting in, you spend like six hours, and then... I just can't finish it. Never even seen the ending.
AtmaWeapon: You've never seen the ending?
Darth: Never seen the ending.
AtmaWeapon: Well how the hell can you say you didn't like it if you haven't even given it a chance?
Darth: Look, I have tried on THREE occasions. I get to the scene where the guys are in the easy chairs...
AtmaWeapon: I know the one, great scene.
Darth: It's not a great... I have absolutely no idea what they're saying! It's like they're speaking a whole different language! THAT'S where I zone out - I just completely loose interest at that point.
AtmaWeapon: They're speaking Italian! It's a language of subtlety, for the love of God!
Darth: I love Steven Seagal films. That is my answer to that statement.
AtmaWeapon: [Beat] Yeah, I like him too.

[The two are silent for a minute. After a while, Darth takes back the binoculars and scans the town again. He finds what he's looking for and turns back to AtmaWeapon.]

Darth: Ok. Looks like LightningZ is gearing up for another attack. Here's the plan. While the script kiddie is busy being blasted away by the old folks, we'll sneak into town. Since they'll all be distracted, it shouldn't be a big problem, but it'll probably be a good idea if we stick to the rooftops as much as possible.
AtmaWeapon: Yeah, that's pretty sensible.
Darth: While everyone's focused on the little brat being blown away, we need to sneak into the Mayor's office and steal some of the explosives the old people have stashed. Once we have them, we head for Country Kitchen Buffet and blow it up.
AtmaWeapon: ...or we could just lock it up from the inside.

[Darth looks straight at him. If looks could kill, there'd be nothing but a bloody carcass on the floor.]

AtmaWeapon: Fine, we'll blow it up. What is it with you and random destruction, anyway?
Darth: For the love of God, I'm a freakin' Sith Lord! Hopeless!

...I'm gonna grab a shower. The story continues afterwards...

[biggiy05]

Great read. At the rate you're going you might have more green rep than ST. I never thought anyone would end up with more than him.

[Darth Marsden]

See, I thought you'd be pissed that I killed you off, biggiy. Guess not...

[It's early morning, around 6:00. The old people have the run of the town, and they're bringing in heavier artillery. Beldaran's Grandad approaches Bill, a sightly puzzled look on his face.]

Bill: All right everyone, round up your ammunition and get ready to move! We're takin' this war further out!
AARP Members: Yeah! All right! Etc!
Grandad: Uh, Bill? I appreciate what the AARP is tryin' to do for us, but uh, all we want is our licenses back.
Bill: Huh?? Heck no! This is goin' too well.We're gonna take the whole country back. Wipe out everyone below the age of sixty five!
Grandad: Wipe 'em out?! What are you, senile?
Bill: Yep! Never stopped me before though! C'mon everyone! It's time to plan for Phase 2!

[The group make their way to Country Kitchen Buffet and enter through the front doors. Beldaran's Grandad stays behind, shaking his head in defeat. Pan across to see AtmaWeapon hiding in an alley watching the whole scene. Darth drops down from the roof nearby and joins him as Beldaran's Grandad enters the Buffet.]

AtmaWeapon: Darth! I thought you were gonna blow that place up!
Darth: Well I was gonna, but there were no explosives in the Mayor's office.
AtmaWeapon: None at all?
Darth: I know! And I was so looking forward to it as well.
AtmaWeapon: Well, damn! What are we gonna do now?
Darth: Ok, I've got another idea. But we're gonna need help.

[The two leave. At the drive-in, everyone is still asleep except for the two guards. Darth boldly walks up to them, and they point their guns at him. Darth reaches both hands out and the pair are lifted off their feet, their hands at their throats. Darth suddenly twists both hands and the pair fly into each other, knocking them both out cold. AtmaWeapon walks over to him.]

AtmaWeapon: Damn, man. I never knew you could do that.
Darth: Yeah, I don't do it very often. It gets old pretty quickly.
AtmaWeapon: ...right. Which guys did we need?
Darth: Ok, Amaster42 is pretty good, and I know The Cyborg can get us some supplies. See if you can track them down.
AtmaWeapon: Right.

[The two split up and start searching among the bodies. After a few minutes, Darth waves to AtmaWeapon, and Atma signals back. They've found the pair. Quietly they carry the two out and close the gates behind them. Some time later, they bring the two around. They're back outside Country Kitchen Buffet. The Cyborg wakes up first.]

The Cyborg: ...wha? What's going on?
Darth: Hey man. We need your help.
The Cyborg: Where am I?
AtmaWeapon: You're outside Country Kitchen Buffet. Listen - we've got a plan, but we need you and this guy's help.
Amaster42: Hmm?
Darth: Can we count on you guys?
The Cyborg: Yeah, sure. Whaddya need?
Darth: Concrete. And lots of it.
The Cyborg: Gotcha.

[The plan is afoot. The Cyborg dashes off to grab some concrete while the others explain Amaster42's role. He nods and sets off. Darth heads down with him while AtmaWeapon runs off to grab some tools. A quick montage reveals that the group are building something outside the Country Kitchen Buffet, but we don't know what it is. Some time later, just as they're finished doing whatever it is they're doing, the elderly start coming out of Country Kitchen Buffet.]

Bill: Right, and off we... what on earth is this?

[Cut to their POV. It's a giant ramp which slopes upwards. Darth's head suddenly pops up from the other, higher, side.]

Darth: Hi there! Have a good breakfast?
Bill: Huh?? You young whippersnaper! What is this?
Darth: This? Oh, we just built a bit of a ramp. Nothing you guys can't handle, right?

[Darth's head disappears. Several of the old folks try to walk up the ramp, but it's too steep and they keep falling back down. Various voices complain about breaking their hips again and so on. Bill looks on, aghast.]

Bill: Where did we leave the explosives?
AARP Member: Over by the cafe.
Darth: [From over the other side, quite faintly] Oh, god-dammit.
Bill: Well, we'll just have to tunnel our way out! C'mon!
AARP Member: Umm... I don't think we can... bend down that far.
Bill: Huh??

[On the other side, the guys are congratulating themselves.]

Darth: Well, that'll hold them for the moment, but we're gonna need something else to keep them at bay.
Amaster42: How about we dig a huge trench on the other side of the ramp? If they make it across, they'll fall into it. Done and dusted.
AtmaWeapon: They'll just climb on top of each other. It'll hold them minutes, at most.
Darth: Ok. I've got it. Quickly, to the cafe!
AtmaWeapon: Why, need a drink?
Darth: Yeah, my caffine deposit's running on empty. Now hurry up before I fall asleep for a year and become declared legally dead.

...more after I finish the ironing...

[moocow]

AHAHAHAHA, this is awesome! I love it!

[AtmaWeapon]

ATMAWEAPON stands before LIGHTNINGZ in front of a gigantic pit. ATMAWEAPON draws his sword and holds it to LIGHTNINGZ'S throat

LIGHTNINGZ: what why u do this i prmised u glory why u no take it

ATMAWEAPON: Man use a spellchecker or something.

LIGHTNINGZ: i wrot one myself it is on my ligntngz website we have 10,000 clients dont shoot me this is madness

ATMAWEAPON: THIS... IS... SPARTAAAAAA!!!!

ATMAWEAPON delivers a solid kick to LIGHTNINGZ's chest and LIGHTNINGZ falls screaming into the hole and, I don't know toss some slow motion and stuff with some k-rad guitars with a kind of Arabic overtone (make sure to get some sitars)

SCENE 2

ATMAWEAPON and the rest of the MOBLIN KREW stand before the injured LIGHTNINGZ

LIGHTNINGZ: *grunt* ugh... the hackz of a thousand ghosts hackrs will disend upon AGN... our 1448 hax wil blot out the forems

ATMAWEAPON: (smiling) THEN WE SHALL POST INTO NOTEPAD!



I've got more but it's time to go play animal crossing I promise I'll finish (maybe) I have a lot of projects due tomorrow. Here is my analysis:

[X] Catchphrases
[X] Attacks on common enemies
[X] Complete lack of attention to the rest of the thread
[X] buttes

I win give me my prize!

[moocow]

ATMAWEAPON stands before LIGHTNINGZ in front of a gigantic pit. ATMAWEAPON draws his sword and holds it to LIGHTNINGZ'S throat

LIGHTNINGZ: what why u do this i prmised u glory why u no take it

ATMAWEAPON: Man use a spellchecker or something.

LIGHTNINGZ: i wrot one myself it is on my ligntngz website we have 10,000 clients dont shoot me this is madness

ATMAWEAPON: THIS... IS... SPARTAAAAAA!!!!

ATMAWEAPON delivers a solid kick to LIGHTNINGZ's chest and LIGHTNINGZ falls screaming into the hole and, I don't know toss some slow motion and stuff with some k-rad guitars with a kind of Arabic overtone (make sure to get some sitars)

SCENE 2

ATMAWEAPON and the rest of the MOBLIN KREW stand before the injured LIGHTNINGZ

LIGHTNINGZ: *grunt* ugh... the hackz of a thousand ghosts hackrs will disend upon AGN... our 1448 hax wil blot out the forems

ATMAWEAPON: (smiling) THEN WE SHALL POST INTO NOTEPAD!



I've got more but it's time to go play animal crossing I promise I'll finish (maybe) I have a lot of projects due tomorrow. Here is my analysis:

[X] Catchphrases
[X] Attacks on common enemies
[X] Complete lack of attention to the rest of the thread
[X] buttes

I win give me my prize!

No prize until we dine in hell.

[Darth Marsden]

...and lo, I am unto a god upon thee, for with my parody/rip-off I shall smite the unworthy and the unfunny into the ground for all to laugh and spit upon, and the heavens shall part and thou shall become muddy and unclean as the very earth beneath you turns into the stuff of nightmares, and, y'know, stuff...

[The AGN cafe. The group are in chairs, taking a breath. Darth is on his third can of Red Bull. He finishes it and leans in close to the others.]

Darth: Ok. Here's what we do. First, we need to establish a better perimeter around the border we've already established. Once we've done that...

[Darth is interrupted by a large crash. He, and the others, get up and walk to the window of the cafe. From there, they can see that the old-timers are making their way across the slope that they have built.]

The Cyborg: Jesus Christ! How the hell did they get out so quickly?

[Cut to the inside of the barrier. Dozens of the old people are layed out across the slope to form a really gross form of steps, allowing the old people to make their way up. On the other side, Bill has landed and is directing the elderly towards the cafe. AtmaWeapon realises what they're after, and turns to look at the explosives inside the cafe.]

AtmaWeapon: The explosives! Christ, what are we gonna do?
Amaster42: There's a back door - quickly!

[The group head for the back door, Amaster42 leading. When they reach it, he throws it open, but alas! A whole bunch of oldies are there and they grab Amaster42, pulling him outside. Before they get a chance to get their hands on anyone else, Darth waves his hand and pulls the door closed with the Force, the showoff. Before the door closes, the others can see the elderly beating Amaster42 with their canes and suchforth. The group rush to the front of the cafe, but they see people out there, too. They're trapped.]

The Cyborg: Holy crap! They're everywhere! How'd they get there so fast? Oh God!
Darth: Ok. Ok. Let's see if we can talk with them. Reason our way out. [He yells through the window] CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS?
Bill: Huh?? No, you young skate-punk! You tried to block us in!
Darth: Oh come on! That was a prank! [The others snigger at this] Can't you take a joke?
Bill: Joke? 23 people died trying to climb that slope!
Darth: [To AtmaWeapon] 23? Not bad. [To Bill] What do you want from us?
Beldaran's Grandad: [Steps forward from the crowd] We want our licenses back!
Darth: Well, we can't really do anything about that from in here! Don't suppose any of you want a latte though? [The others snigger at this] Or a nice sandwich? We could do that... [More sniggering] or how about some soup? I'm fairly certain we've got some of that in here! [AtmaWeapon laughs out loud at this]
Bill: Dammit, you better take us seriously!
Darth: Or what? You'll start telling us about the good old days again? God only knows I can't get enough of that! [Starts inpersonating an elderly person] When I was your age, we didn't have these color TV sets... [AtmaWeapon laughs again]
Bill: Right! That's it! Take the window down!

[Suddenly bullets start firing and the window AtmaWeapon is standing next to is broken. Before he can move, old people start grabbing him and pulling him through it. Darth and The Cyborg run over to grab him, but they're too late - he's pulled through before they can get there. Darth uses the force to yank the counter up and places it in front of the window, blocking it, but the old timers start clawing through the holes and at the door.]

The Cyborg: Holy crap! We're dead! They're gonna kill us all!
Darth: The roof! C'mon, it's our only chance!

[The two make for the stairs as the elderly manage to break through the doors and head into the cafe. The two make it to the top of the starirs, but there's a door. The Cyborg tries it and finds it locked. Darth pushes him out of the way and ignites his lightsaber through the lock. He pushes the door open and makes it through, but The Cyborg is caught by the old people and is pulled down. Darth hurries through to one of the windows and climbs through before scaling the side of the building up to the roof. Once there he makes for the next one. Bill leans out of the window and shakes his fist up at him.]

Bill: You young scaliwag! You can't run forever!

...more when I can think of how to end this increasingly depressing and violent epic...

[Pineconn]

Aw, you mean it's going to end?

[Prrkitty]

That particular storyline will probably end. But it doesn't mean another storyline can't be started up when that one ends. :)

There's only so much energy to our li'l Darthy. Give him time to recoup along and along... :)

[Darth Marsden]

...yeah, just the one more bit to this one. I've veered so far off the original South Park plot it's somewhat worrying, but I'll come up with something. Still, there are plenty of other shows to rip-off... sorry, parody.

[The drive-in, 6:45. Everyone is still asleep. CUT TO Darth, who's striking a dramatic pose on top of a building just as the sun's rising. It looks like a comic book cover. Suddenly Darth leaps off and lands on one of those tarpin covers. Rather then bounce off, it tears and he falls straight through, landing arkwardly on his arm. He moans in pain, gets up and quickly runs off, clutching his shoulder. Meanwhile, the old folks are forming in the center of town.]

Bill: Alright. If we're gonna do this, we'll have to do it quickly.
AARP Member: That'll be a problem.
Bill: Huh?? Well, as quickly as we can. First, we kill all the young people. Then, we move on to the next town!
AARP Members: Yeah! That's the ticket! We'll show them who's in charge! Etc!
Beldaran's Grandad: [Looking apalled] You're actually going to go through with this? You're... you're insane!
Bill: Don't you label me with that young person slander! We're taking back this country, with or without you! Now c'mon everyone! Let's move!

[The crowd start moving. Slowly. Beldaran's Grandad looks on, aghast, as they move. Zoom out to Darth, who's watching this from side street.]

Darth: Not in my town.

[He slinks back into the shadows. CUT TO the crowd, very slowly moving along towards the drive-in, where everyone is still asleep. The one at the very back is suddenly pulled into a side alley by Darth, who bonks her over the head with a nearby trashcan. After he bashes her, he grabs at his shoulder, obviously in pain. He probes it with his hand and after a minutes lets out an 'Ohh' of realisation, then yanks the shoulder forward suddenly. There's a loud pop as the bone pops back into its socket. He utters the word 'Mommy' quite pathetically before coming to his senses and moving on. CUT TO the drive-in. Bill has finally reached the compound and he eyes all the still-sleeping people inside. He grins maniacally.]

Bill: Ah yes, young hooligans. You'll never oppress us again. Come on folks! Let's show them what we're made off!

[He turns round, only to find that there's one elderly woman still there. He looks on in amazement.]

Bill: Wha... where's everyone else?
AARP Member: I... I don't know. They were right behind me a minute ago...

[Suddenly a brick comes flying from offscreen and conks her on the head. She falls down unconcious as Darth Marsden walks into the shot.]

Darth: It's over. Don't make me hurt you... much.
Bill: Huh?? You... did you take everyone out?
Darth: Well, it wasn't hard. You were moving so slowly I managed to finish off War and Peace in between knockouts. Dunno why it's got such a good rep, it's dull as hell, that book.
Bill: Well, I'm not going down without a fight! Put 'em up, you young scalliwag!

[He puts up his fists in an attempted manner to be imposing. Darth merely ignites his lightsaber and walks up to him. As he feebly throws a punch, Darth slices off his arm. It falls to the ground and the hand twitches into giving him the finger before dying. Darth looks up and smiles.]

Darth: Now stand aside, you old fool.
Bill: Huh?? 'Tis but a scratch.
Darth: A scratch? Your arm's off!
Bill: No, it isn't.
Darth: Well what's that then? [He points to the severed arm]
Bill: ...I've had worse.
Darth: Bollocks you have!
Bill: Come on, you young pansy!

[He throws his other arm at Darth, who slices it off just as easily. It too gives him the finger after it hits the floor.]

Darth: Hah! Victory is mine, old man.
Bill: Huh?? Come on, then. Have at you!
Darth: You what? Look, I'll give credit where it's due, but I've beaten you, ok?
Bill: Oh, had enough, eh?
Darth: Look you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!
Bill: Yes, I have.
Darth: Look at them! [He points to the pair lying on the ground]
Bill: Just a flesh wound. [He starts kicking Darth]
Darth: Stop that.
Bill: Oh, chicken, eh? [Keeps kicking Darth] Chicken!
Darth: If you don't pack that in I'll lop your leg off.

[Bill kicks Darth again and so off it comes. It lands on the floor next to the left arm. Darth turns the lightsaber off - it's clearly over.]

Bill: Right! I'll do you for that!
Darth: What are you gonna do, bleed on me?
Bill: Huh?? Ooo, you young hippie, I'll tear you to pieces, just like I did in Nam!

[Bill hops over to Darth and butts him with his head. Darth can't quite believe this and is about to walk away when Bill headbutts him again. Irritated he turns the lightsaber on again and slices off Bill's remaining leg. He falls to the ground, somehow managing to stay upright. Bill looks over his limbs now lying on the ground.]

Bill: Alright, we'll call it a draw.
Darth: ...whatever. [He starts walking past Bill towards the drive-in]
Bill: Oh... oh, I see! Running away, eh? You yellow-livered coward! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!
Darth: [Now in the distance] Shut up!

[Some time later. The Army is milling around the area, picking up the pensioners that Darth had taken out. They pass by in the background during the rest of this scene, and are decorated in a variety of items - one is trapped in the middle of a flower garden, another has a vase rammed over their head, a third is forced to hop as their legs have been tied together with a garden hose, that sort of thing. The officer from before walks over to Darth, talking into a walkie-talkie as he does so.]
Officer: All right everyone, area secure. Collect their weapons and free the hostages. [He lowers the walkie-talkie] Well, good work Darth. You may very well have saved this entire country.
Beldaran: Walks into shot along with PrrKitty, Lilith and Elise, rubbing his eyes as if he's just woken up]Whoa-ho-ho-ooh, what happened? Is it over?
Officer: Everything is fine. Control of the town is back to you folks.
Soldier: [Escorting Beldaran's Grandad up to the group] What do you want to do with this one, sir?
Officer: Well, I guess that's up to the townsfolk.
Beldaran: Well, I think he learned his lesson. Huh? Don't you feel silly now, Grandad? I think somebody owes us all an apology. Yes he does.
Elise: Oh, stop it! This was partly your fault!
Beldaran: Huh??
Lilith: She's right, Beldaran. All your grandfather wants is not to be talked to like a child. I think half of what he was angry about wasn't what you were doing, but how you were doing it.
Grandad: Yeah, that's right.
PrrKitty: And you should be proud that you made it through life to be a senior, but you should also realize that, when you're behind the wheel, you're a killing machine.
Grandad: ...I know. I guess sometimes us seniors need to know when to stop driving so we don't put the responsibility on our families.
Beldaran: Well, I think this has been a real learning experience for us all. People died, but we all grew a bit. Let's just go home.
Grandad: Sure. I'll drive.
Beldaran: [Laughs] That's my Grandad. [Walks off with his grandfather]
Darth: [Beat] I hate this town sometimes. I really do.

END