The Ultimate Joke Thread

[Darth Marsden]

With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up at the local asualty ward and a hippie is wheeled out on a gurney. The doctor questions his long haired colleagues. 'So what was he on then?' asks the physician. 'Acid? Cannabis?'
'Sort of...' replies one of the hippies. 'But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff.'
'And what was in that?' asks the doctor.
'Uhh... we kinda raided my girlfriend's spice rack' says the hippie. 'There was a bit of cumin, some tumeric and a little paprika.'
'Well, that explains it' says the doctor gravely. 'He's in a korma.'

[rocksfan13]

Modern version of the birds and bees

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway.
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male. “

[Darth Marsden]

A man and his local vicar were playing golf. The man was having a terrible time on the green and kept missing crucial three-foot puts. The third time he missed one, he exclaimed 'Fuck, missed!'
'You should curb your language, my son' the vicar commented, 'or God will strike you down.'
At the next hole, the man missed another sitter, and again cried 'Fuck! Missed!'. The vicar again warned him about the virtues of an unclean tounge.
At the next hole the man missed yet again. 'Fuck!' he wailed, 'Missed again!' The vicar was livid. 'May God have mercy upon your soul, my son, for surely the Lord will strike you down.' As he was speaking, dark clouds built up over the green, and no sooner had the vicar fallen silent than an enormous bolt of lightning forked down... and turned the vicar to ash.
'Fuck!' came a booming voice from the heavens. 'Missed!'

[Prrkitty]

Gifts from God:

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen."

[Breaker]

this thread is the ultimate joke

[Darth Marsden]

You're the Ultimate Joke.

A man goes into his young son's bedroom to check if he's alright after hearing a scream in the house. He finds the lad having a nightmare, so he wakes him up. The boy, shivering, says he dreamt that Aunt Susie had died. The father assures him that Aunt Susie is fine and tucks him back up. The next day, however, he gets a phone call - his sister Susie has died after falling down some stairs.
A week later, the lad has another nightmare - this time that his grandfather has died. The father assures the son that his granddad is fine and gives him a glass of warm milk to help him back to sleep, but sure enought, the next day his father has a heart attack and dies.
One week later, it's nightmare time once more - and this time the boy says he dreamt his daddy had died. The father assures the son that he's fine and tucks him back in.
The next day the father awakes, pertified. He's sure he's going to die. After dressing, he drives cautiously to work, fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch for fear of food poisoning. He avoids everyone, for sure that he'll somehow be killed, jumping at every noise, starting at every moment and hiding under his desk.
Upon getting home at the end of the day, he has to unburden himself to his wife. 'I've just had the worst day of my life!' he exclaims.
'You think your day was bad?' his wife replies. 'The milkman got run over this morning.'

[ShadowTiger]

Yeah, Breaker is definitely the funniest SMod here. :p




The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.... ..equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

[Darth Marsden]

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and says 'Ah, I see you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place, I'm afraid'. So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is let in with barely a second glance.
Pretty soon thoguh, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell and starts designing some improvements. Before long they've got air conditioning, fulshing toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God gives Satan a buzz on his mobile and says with a sneer 'So, how it's goin' down there?'
'Hey, it's going great!' replies the Devil. 'We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets, escalators, you name it! I can't wait to see what this engineer's gonna come up with next!'
Shocked, God says 'WHAT? You've got an engineer down there? Saint Peter musy have screwed up - he's not supposed to be down there! Send him back up!'
'No way!' replies Satan. 'It's never been better down here thanks to this guy! You're nuts if you think I'm getting rid of him.'
'Send him back up here now or I'll sue you for everything you've got!' yells God.
Satan laughs like there's no tomorrow. 'Who with?'

[ShadowTiger]

A woman from New Jersey and another woman were seated side-by-side on an airplane. The woman from New Jersey, being friendly and all, said: So,where are you from?"

The other woman said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The woman from New Jersey sat quietly for a moment and then replied:

"So, where are you from, bitch?"




-x-

This is actually real. It's not really a joke. It's just pretty funny for justice. :p



To those of you who are not familiar with Joe Arraio, He is the Maricopa Arizona County Sheriff, and he keeps getting elected over and over again. This is one of the reasons why:

Sheriff Joe Arpaio (in Arizona) who created the "tent city jail":

He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.

He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights Cut off all but "G" movies.

He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects.

Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.

He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked! up the cable TV again only let in the Disney channel and the weather channel.

When asked why the weather channel he replied, so they will know how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs.

He cut off coffee since it has zero nutritional value.

When the inmates complained, he told them, "This isn't the Ritz/Carlton If you don't like it, don't come back."

He bought Newt Gingrich' lecture series on videotape that he pipes into the jails.



With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record), the Associated Press reports: About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts.

On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before.

Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their pink socks.

"It feels like we are in a furnace," said James Zanzot, an inmate who has lived in the tents for 1 year. "It's inhumane."

Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to wear full battle gear, but they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your damned mouths!"

Way to go, Sheriff! Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to go out and commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.



That's pretty damn awesome. :p *Checks E-mail for more jokes*



-x- (Apparently.)


Ariel Sharon came to Washington for meetings with George W. and for a state dinner, Laura Bush decided to bring in a special Kosher chef and have a truly Jewish meal. At the dinner that night, the first course served is matzo ball soup. George W. looks at this and after learning what it is called, he tells an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew. The aide says that Mr. Sharon will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it. Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all, he ate sheep's eye in honor of Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and retrieves a piece of matzo ball and some broth. He hesitates, then swallows. A big grin appears on his face. He finds that he really likes it, and digs right in and finishes the whole bowl.

"That was delicious," Bush says to Sharon. "Do you Jews eat any other part of the matzo, or just the balls?"




*sigh* ... Okay guys, I've got more.




Golden oldie . . .



1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

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2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

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3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?


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4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

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5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

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6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

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7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

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8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

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9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

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10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

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11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

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12 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

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13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

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14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

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15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

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16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.

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17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

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18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

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19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

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20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

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22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

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23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?





Okay, this one's slightly dirty. (Eh. I'm sure you can all handle it.)

A man was standing in line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and
said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said:

*sigh* "Cleanup, Register 5"

[Darth Marsden]

A rich, lonely widow decides she needs a man in her life, and so places an advert in the local paper. It reads: Rich widow looking for kind man to share life and fortune with. Must never beat me up or run away - and must be great in bed.
For several months her phone rings off the hook and applications pour through the letterbox - but none seem to match her qualifications. Then, one day, the doorbell rings and when the door is opened the woman finds a man with no arms or legs lying on the welcome mat.
'Who are you?' she asks, perplexed. 'And what do you want?'
'Your search is over' says the man. 'I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up, and I've got no legs so I can't run away.'
Unconvinced, she replies 'So what makes you think that you're so great in bed?'
He looks up at her smugly. 'Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?'