The Ultimate Joke Thread

[ShadowTiger]

... because an elephant never forgets. Heh. Cute.





" -x- "


Subject: Men Beware!

Latest scam, and according to Snopes. com, this one is real.

Guys need to be careful. I am a victim of the latest scam which is
happening in parking lots of Kings Supermarkets.

Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking. One
starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your
window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse. While you're distracted, the other one lets herself in the backseat. Then both are begging you for a ride home.

Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants. This is when they steal your wallet.

I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

I couldn't find them on Saturday.

Ladies, please pass this warning on to your husbands if they tend to do alot of the food shopping. Thanks








...



Okay, this one's a new one. o.o'

13 Reasons Not To Drink
(330 KB - Contains 13 images.)

Enjoy. :p

[Darth Marsden]

Three guys check into a hotel, but the clerk tells them that since the lodge is fully booked, they'll have to share a bed. Tired and sleepy, the men agree.
Next morning, the guy who slept on the left says 'Man, I had the most vivid dream last night. I dreamt I was having a wank!'
'You too?' says the guy on the right.
The guy in the middle is pretty weirded out by this. 'You're both disgusting' he says. 'I had a perfectly ordinary dream. I was skiing.'

-X-

Driving his car through the countryside, a middle-aged man spots a naked youth with his arms tied around the trunk of a tree. The driver slows and winds his window down and he hears the kid crying for help. After looking round to check it's not some sort of trap, he gets out the car to investigate.
'Oh thank God!' the young man cries. 'I've had a terrible day!'
'I can see that' says the driver, noticing the bruises and whip-marks on the guy's back. 'What the hell happened?'
'Well' moans the young man, 'I was driving along when I saw this young woman in a pair of cut-offs and a bra hitch-hiking. I stopped to give her a lift, and as soon as I jumped out to put her rucksack in the boot, two huge guys jumped out from nowhere, stripped me, tied me up, beat me, nicked all my stuff and drove off in my car!'
'Oh dear' says the driver, unbuckling his belt. 'It's really not your day, is it gorgeous?'

[moocow]

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study. The Canucks didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00, the Canadian study was complete.

They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!

[Prrkitty]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as " Sinko de Mayo."

[Darth Marsden]

A guy is talking to his friend and says 'Man, I made the most embarrasing mistake yesterday! I went to the airport and the woman behind the counter had these beautiful huge knockers, and I asked her for two tickets to Tittsburgh!'
'Yeah, I know what you mean' replied his friend. 'Just the other morning I meant to ask my wife to pass the salt and I said 'BITCH, YOU RUINED MY LIFE!'

-X-

Declan the humble crab and Katie the lobster princess were madly and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship, until one day Katie scuttled over to Declan in tears.
'We can't see each other any more' she sobbed.
'Why?' gasped Declan.
'Daddy says that crabs are too common' she wailed. 'He says that no daughter of his will marry a creature that walks sideways.'
Declan was shattered, and walked away to drink himself into oblivion.
That night, the great lobster ball was taking place. The lobster princess refused to join in the moment, despite the encouragement of her father. Suddenly the doors opened and Declan the crab strode in. The dancing stopped and all eyes were on Declan as he made his was to Katie's father. All could see that he was walking forwards. Step by step he made his was over to the throne and looked the King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush.
'Finally, the crab spoke. 'Fuck, I'm pissed.'

-X-

Three lads are enjoying a quiet night in a oub when a fourth stumbles in and orders a beer. Spying the group, the drunk stumbles over, points at one of the boys and shouts: 'I've had your mum!'
The lads ignore him and return to their pints. He shouts up again: 'Up the arse!'
Although irritated, they ignore him again. The drunk stands up again, points at the boy and yells: 'Your Mum sucked my cock last night!'
The boy looks up wearily. 'You're drunk, Dad. Go home.'

-X-

A teenager comes home from school and asks his dad 'What's the difference between potential and reality?'
His dad says 'I'll show you, Go ask your Mum if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid, then ask your sister if she'd sleep with Orlando Bloom for a million.'
Ten minutes later, the teen comes back. 'I've got it. Potentially we're sitting on two million quid - but in reality we're living on a couple of slags.'

[ShadowTiger]

Tech Support Humor - It's Not There

There are several user-types, but I think the one I fear the most is the It's-Not-There user. Unfortunately for me, the worst case of It's-Not-Thereism I know of is my own brother (a former engineering student believe it or not).

Here's a sample conversation with a typical It's-Not-There user:

Tech: Ok, now click on the "Edit" menu

User: It's not there.

Tech: Alright, (slowly) do you see the word "Edit" there on the screen?

User: It's not there.

Tech: Errr... (becoming angry) do you see the long horizontal thing with the words on it?

User: It's not...

Tech: (now breathing funny) "File"... "Edit"... "View"...

User: Oh, you mean THAT thing!

Tech: Yes, that thing. Now click on the word "Edit"

User: Sorry, I was clicking on the menu down at the bottom. I didn't know you meant THAT menu. Ok, I clicked on it.

Tech: (long pause) Now click on the word "Copy".

User: It's not there.

Tech: (incoherent screaming)


-x-




Liar Sermon

"Folks," said the old priest, "the subject of my sermon this evening is liars.

How many in the congregation have read the 69th Chapter of Mathew?"

Nearly every hand in the audience was raised.

"You are just the folks I want to preach to," said the priest. "There ain't no 69th Chapter of Mathew."


-x-



Human Stupidity:

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:


On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)

On some Swansonn frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessertprinted on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (Really???)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (I'm glad they cleared that up...)

On a childs superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

In a Laundromat : Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

On a Church Door : This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)

Quicksand Warning : Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

Seen during a Conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Notice in a Field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

On a Repair Shop Door : We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)



-x-




Who is Better

Two gods, Karbara and Mula, were arguing with each other on who is the most famous in the human community. The arguing continued all day and night. Since they could not come to a decision, they agreed on a simple test.

There are two trees in the park with a path between them. Karbara will tie a thin strong string between the trees such that if anyone walks on the path, they're doomed to trip and fall. The test here is the name of the god the person will shout when the person trips.

The first guy came along, and tripped on the string and cried "Oh Karbara!". Karbara gave a smile to Mula who gave back a rude face.

The second guy came along, tripping on the string and cried "Oh Mula!". Mula gave a smile to Karbara who gave back a rude face.

The third guy came along, and tripped on the string and cried "Which idiot tied this here?".

[Darth Marsden]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and Mother Superior's last instruction is that they must not get a drop of paint on their new habits. After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door, strip off and work in the nude.
Halfway through the project, there's a knock at the door. 'Who is it?' cries one of the nuns.
'Blind man' comes the reply.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, unlock the door and let him in.
'Nice tits' says the man. 'Where do you want these blinds?'

-X-

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class, when suddenly the man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and tells herself she just imagined it.
A few minutes pass and suddenly the man sneezes again. Then he gets out his member and wipes off the tip. The woman is seething - she can't believe such an ncouth person exists.
A few more minutes pass and the man sneezes once again, going through the whole routine again. By now the woman has had enough. 'What the hell do you think you're doing?' she demands of the man.
'I'm so sorry to have disturbed you ma'am' the man apologises. 'The fact is that I have a very rare condition. Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm.'
The woman looks agast. 'I'm so sorry! What are you taking for it?'
'Pepper.'

[ShadowTiger]

CHINESE PROVERBS!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

[Darth Marsden]

An Irishman's been drinking at the pub all night. When he tries to stand up he falls flat on his face. He tries to strand again, with the same effect. So he figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air, maybe that'll freshen him up. Once outside he stands up, and falls straight back down again.
So he decides to crawl the four streets to his home. When he arrives he stands up at the door and duly falls over again. He crawls through the door and up to his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he makes one last effort to get erect. This time he manages to pull himself upright, but he quickly falls into bed and is sound asleep in moments.
The next day he awakens to find his wife over him, shouting 'You've been out drinking again!'
'What makes you say that?' says the Irishman, putting on an innocent face.
'The pub called' says his wife. 'You left your wheelchair there again.'

[ShadowTiger]

Non-English speaking countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists:

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.


At the Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctor 's office , Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a Nairobi private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

In Aamchi Mumbai restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

The best!!! In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.


In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.


A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.


Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

Another, the best!!!! In a Japanese cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES