Taxes joke- if only it were that easy. I find it "funny" that they tried to say that I didn't claim 16k of my earnings last year so they wanted me to pay in $997 in back taxes. Yet they can't explain where $600billion went with the banks. Good thing they have their priorities in order, or I'd be worried.
Scientist joke- funny how true that seems to be as well.
And now for something a little tasteless...
How do you make a dead baby float?
Coke, ice cream, and a dead baby.
If at first you don't succeed, RETRY RETRY again!
"Ducks eat for free at Subway!" ~Mitch Hedberg
Originally Posted by Mercy
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
If you love... love without reservation. If you fight... fight without fear.
ST: If you're going to go the way of the ostrich and stick your head into the sand or up your butt and expect everything to go the way you had imagined it, you deserve your fate.
That's a new twist. I had heard of somethinf similar before with just the Cat Scan, but the Lab Report... That's good.
If at first you don't succeed, RETRY RETRY again!
"Ducks eat for free at Subway!" ~Mitch Hedberg
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.
What do you call an obese guy in space?
A Fatasstronaut.
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger and that it's okay; he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, 'Sure, I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000 and he wants to use this as collateral.'
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'
(you're gonna luv this!)
The bank manager looks back at her and says,
'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'
If you love... love without reservation. If you fight... fight without fear.
ST: If you're going to go the way of the ostrich and stick your head into the sand or up your butt and expect everything to go the way you had imagined it, you deserve your fate.
A policeman sees a little boy walking with a long pole over his shoulder and on the end of the pole is a sack.
The policeman stops the little boy and asks him if he's running away from home.
Little Johnny tells the policeman the whole story.
"All day long my mom and my dad were fighting about the bills!
Well, tonight I got woke up by this banging noise, see.
Then I heard my dad yell 'I'm pulling out!' and my mom screamed 'I'm coming too!'
Well, I wasn't going to stay there and get stuck with those bills!!!"
I too think that guy needed a banning after a lousy joke like that. I'm not even being sarcastic. Jokes are supposed to make people laugh, and I just felt a little sad of all of the time I had lost reading it that I'll never get back.
If at first you don't succeed, RETRY RETRY again!
"Ducks eat for free at Subway!" ~Mitch Hedberg
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