The Ultimate Joke Thread

[slef]

Whats red and not there?







no tomatoes

[Darth Marsden]

More quickies.

Q. What's black, triangluar and sings?
A. Kate's Bush.

Q. What do priests and Christmas Trees have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. Why do blondes take the pill?
A. So they know what day of the week it is.

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Two... but how do they get in?

Q. What do you call a camel with four humps?
A. A Saudi Quattro.

Q. What do you call two lesbians in a cupboard?
A. A liquor cabinet.

Q. What do you call a Welshman with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.

Q. What do elephants use as tampons?
A. Sheep.

Q. What does a 75-year-old woman have between her knees that a 25-year-old doesn't?
A. Her nipples.

Q. What do The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?
A. Icy dead people.

Q. How do you know if your wife has died?
A. The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.

Q. Why is working in an office just like Christmas?
A. You do all the work, but some fat guy gets all the credit.

Q. Why are women like condoms?
A. They spend 90% of their time in your wallet and the other 10% on your dick.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget.

And finally, what's the difference between a British and an Iraqi soldier?
Don't know? Welcome to the United States Air Force!

[rocksfan13]

Medicating your pet.

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as though holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to his cheeks. Cat will then close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat the process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Remove second pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open, and push pill to back of throat with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10, if you are able. Hold cat's mouth closed as well.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call for assistance.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, immobilizing front and rear paws. Ask assistant to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's throat. Flick pill down ruler with forefinger, and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from living room curtain valance.

8. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth, and set aside for later gluing. Remove third pill from foil wrap.

9. Wrap cat in beach towel, and ask assistant to lie prone on cat with cat's head visible under assistant's armpit. Put pill in paper tube you've made for this purpose. Then, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow.

10. Check label to make sure pill is not lethal to humans. Sip water to take taste away. Apply bandage to assistant's forearm, and remove blood from carpet with soap and cold water.

11. Retrieve cat from neighbor's roof. Remove fourth pill from foil. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on cat's neck and head outside cupboard. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

12. Fetch screwdriver from garage, and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw bloodied, ripped T-shirt away, and fetch another from bedroom.

13. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

14. Call 911, ask fire department to retrieve cat from eucalyptus tree.

15. Remove remaining pill from foil wrap.

16. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and securely tie to leg of dining table. Put on heavy-duty pruning gloves. Force cat's mouth open with tire iron. Drop pill, previously hidden in an ounce of hamburger, into cat's mouth. Hold head vertically with nose pointed to ceiling, and pour half-pint of water down cat's throat, and two jiggers of whiskey down your own.

17. Ask assistant to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor administers anesthetic, stitches fingers, forearm and removes pill fragments from eye.

18. Drop off cat, along with a generous donation, at animal shelter, and adopt a goldfish.

[granite]

There once was a man named Moby Dick
He had a corkscrew shaped prick
He searched the world high and low to find a girl with a corkscrew shaped hole.
But when he found her, he dropped dead,
For hers was a lefthand corkscrew thread.

[Darth Marsden]

Holy Crap, this thread's updating again! Umm...

A man is walking down the High Street when suddenly a nearby wall collapses, burying him in rubble. It's ten minutes before another passer-by - a smartly dressed man - happens to wander past. 'Christ! Are you okay mate?' he cries. 'Has anyone called an ambulance?'
'Uh... no' comes the agonised reply.
'Right. What about the police?' asks the second man.
'No' moans the injured man.
'Okay... how about the compensation board?'
By now the injured man is groggily angry. 'Look - you're the first one here!'
The smart man thinks for a minute. 'All right' he says, shifting some rubble. 'Move over then.'

[biggiy05]

I got this in an e-mail and thought it was funny. Maybe that's just because I have leopard geckos and do alot of herp rescues.

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome
> including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below
will
> have
> you laughing out LOUD
>
> Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what
happened:
>
> Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
> "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in
his
> room.
>
> "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. I'm serious dad,
can you
> help?"
>
> I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him
into his
> bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking
> stressed I immediately knew what to do.
>
> "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
>
> "Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
babies!"
>
> "What?" my shocked son demanded, "But their names are Bert and Ernie,
> Mom!"
>
> I was equally outraged.
>
> " Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
> reproduce," I accused my wife.
>
> "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
> inquired.
>
> "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
most
> loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
>
> "Yeah! Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
>
> "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
> informed me. (again with that sarcasm, in her voice).
>
> By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I
> shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
>
> "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're
> about to witness the miracle of birth."
>
> "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "yuck!"
>
> "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter
of
> tiny lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
>
> We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny
> foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
>
> "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
>
> "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
>
> "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
>
> "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next
> appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more
> times
> with the same results.
>
> "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could
> talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females
in
> my
> house?)
>
> "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
>
> We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
>
> "Breathe,Ernie, breathe," he urged.
>
> "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women
can be
> so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
but
> this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
>
> The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little
> animal through a magnifying glass.
>
> "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
>
> "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
speak to
> you privately for a moment?"
>
> I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
>
> "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
>
> "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
> fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see,
Ernie is
> a
> young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male
> species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on
his
> back."
>
> He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.
> Cameron."
>
> We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just... excited,"
my
> wife offered.
>
> "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
>
> More silence.
>
> Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then
even
> laugh loudly.
>
> "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman I
> married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
>
> Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...
I'm
> picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for
more
> air
> to bellow in laughter once more.
>
> "That's enough!" I warned.
>
> We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back
into
> the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
>
> "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told
me.
>
> "Oh, you have NO idea!" Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with
> laughter.
>
> Cage - $50... Lizards - $140... Trip to the Vet - $30... Memory of
your
> husband pulling on a lizard's wacker..... Priceless!
>
> Oh, and for your information....
>
> LIZARDS LAY EGGS!!!!! :)

[Maverick_Zero]

The only girls I get anymore is because of who I am


A rapist


~Rodney Dangerfield

[Darth Marsden]

In a bid to encourage teamwork, representatives of the Navy, Army and Metropolitan Police are invited to a cross-forces outward-bound competition. With the scores even at the end of the weekend, the three groups are set one final task - to troop the woods and bring back a rabbit.
The Navy go in first. There's 15 minutes of quiet rustling before a single shot rings out. Before long, one naval officer emerges grinning from the undergrowth clutching a bunny neatly shot between the eyes.
Next up were the army - who, it became obvious from the smoke and crackling - were adopting a slash 'n' burn technique. After a couple of hours, one of the infantrymen emerged beaming, holding a rabbit, abliet slightly charred.
Finally it was the turn of the Met - highly confident they could secure victory. They descend into the foliage and quickly there are the echoes of gunfire. This continues for hours until - a full day later - the policemen walk out, triumphantly holding up... a slightly bloodied squirrel.
'What the hell?' yell the co-ordinator. 'You were supposed to get a rabbit!'
Wordlessly one of the Met officers holds up the squirrel. 'Listen!' it squeaks, wild-eyed. 'I'm a rabbit! For the love of god, I'm a rabbit!'

[ShadowTiger]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry,"says St. Peter, "She's just having her head
drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

=------------------------------------------------=

Some Laws of Physics Not in Standard Texts:

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jam Sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

=------------------------------------------------=

QUESTIONS TO PONDER:

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but they don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

(If you know the real answer to this one, keep it to yourself. You'll know why anyway.)

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

14. Stop singing and read on..........

15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

=------------------------------------------------=






"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 ALQAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such aninflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business, and that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement. We are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign.

You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?


Answer: A Funeral Home.

(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)

You gotta love it! God Bless America!

[Darth Marsden]

Heard this one earlier today and it had me smiling for a while.

-X-

A guy is in Africa and on his travels sees an elephant standing with one foot in the air. The man, throwing all caution to the wind, walks over to the elephant and looks at the foot. Sure enough, there's a sharp stone stuck there. The man carefully removes it and steps back a pace. The elephant puts its foot back on the ground and just stares at the man for the longest time before turning round and walking away.

Years later, the man is taking his son to the zoo when he comes to the elephants, and one of them just stops and looks at the man, just like in Africa. The man wonders if this is the same creature and, once again throwing caution to the wind, climbs over the rail and makes his way over to the elephant. After a moment of staring, the elephant picks up the man with its trunk and slams him into the wall, killing him instantly.

It wasn't the same elephant...