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Thread: The Ultimate Joke Thread

  1. #11
    Hacking up an Octorock
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    rocksfan13's Avatar
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    Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread

    There is this school in the middle of this country somewhere where every Thursday the teacher would ask the children a question. If anyone ever got it right they would not have to come to class on Monday.

    One time she asked them "How many gains of sand are on the beach?"
    When they came in on Friday nobody had the answer.
    The next Thursday she asked "How many stars are there?"
    When they came in on Friday nobody had the answer.
    One kid had enough of this and was determined to get Monday off.
    That night he went home and found two tennis balls and painted them.
    Then next day when the teacher gets ready to ask the question, he throughs the balls across the room.
    The teacher then askes
    "Who's the joker with the black balls?"
    The kid jumps up and states
    "Eddie Murphy! See ya Tuesday!"
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  2. #12
    Patra Jigglysaint's Avatar
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    Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread

    What do you call a mentally challenged lion? A Leotard!

    Why was the flower arrested for indecient exposure? Because they caught him with his plants down.
    The name might be missleading, I'm not jigglypuff.


    "...A Bible! A Bible! We have got a Bible, and there cannot be any more Bible."
    Second Nephi 29:3

  3. #13
    Lynel Monica's Avatar
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    Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread

    In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and Bo Derek. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.

    When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

    (1) Bo Derek thought - "That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must have slapped his face."

    (2) Janet Reno thought - "That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on Bo Derek and she smacked him."

    (3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on Bo Derek and by mistake she slapped me."

    (4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."

    Monica
    ~~~
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    [12:41] heroknight21: Yeah. Makes the internet look like vomit for only $5 more a month!

    ~~~
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  4. #14
    Wizrobe biggiy05's Avatar
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    Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread

    Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of
    their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to
    them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

    "Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

    So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

    Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the
    newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply.

    "You're joking!" was the response.

    "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
    beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here
    are my tools."

    "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I
    take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

    So he picked up the rifle and looked through t he sight in the
    ! direction of his house.

    "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can
    see right in the window."

    "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's
    naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......
    He's naked, too!!! The ****!"

    He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

    "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull
    the trigger."

    "Can you do two for me now?"

    "Sure, what do you want?"

    "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.

    Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, and just a kid, so just
    shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

    The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for
    a few minutes.

    "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

    "Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."
    Quote Originally Posted by AtmaWeapon View Post
    It means taking the fart pipe off of your stupid ricemobile and gently accelerating after stopping.

  5. #15
    Dark Lord of the Sith Darth Marsden's Avatar
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    Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread

    A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is rushed to hospital on the very cusp of death. After being given a quick jolt of the defibrillator the woman is revived, and she tells the doctors she had a near death experience.
    'I saw God', the beaming woman explains. 'He told me that it was not my time and that I had a good 30 years left on this earth.'
    The woman makes a good recovery from her trauma, and as a result of her meeting with God she decides to really enjoy life. Deciding on completely revamping her image, she checks into a clinic for the works - face job, liposuction, boob job and hair colouring. After a few weeks the makeover is complete and the woman looks stunning. She checks out and walks along the street, feeling bright and brezzy, full of hope for the future. She steps out at a zebra crossing and a lorry ploughs into her, killing her instantly.
    The woman goes up to Heaven and stands in front of God, furious. 'I thought you said I had a good 30 years!' she cries indignantly.
    'What can I say?' God says, embarresed. 'I didn't recognise you.'

    -X-

    After years of milking cows the old fashioned way, Farmer Giles decides to go high tech and orders a automatic milking machine. It arrives a few days later and, realising his wife is out for the day, decides to try it out on himself.
    After setting it up, the farmer eases his cock into the equipment and turns it on. The sucking teat pleasures him better then anything he's ever felt but, when it's all over, the machine won't let go of his dick. In desperation, he calls the Customer Service Hotline. 'Hello', he winces, 'I've just bought a milking machine from your company. It works great but, er, how do I remove it?'
    'Oh don't worry', replies the rep. 'The machine will automatically release once it's collected two gallons.'

    -X-

    An Irishman walks into a pub and orders three pints of Guinness, taking a sip out of each of them in turn. After a few minutes, the barman turns to him and says 'You know your pints are gonna go flat like that, right? It'd be better if you bought them one at a time.'
    The Irishman replies 'Well, I have two brothers - one in America and one in Australia. We promised we'd all drink this way to remember the days we supped together.'
    The barman nots in understanding and leaves him to it. Over the weeks the Irishman becomes a regular and always buys three drinks at a time... until one day when he orders just two pints. The other drinkers fall silent.
    'I don't want to intrude on your grief' says the barman when the Irishman comes back for a second round, 'but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss.'
    'What?' queries the Irishman. 'Oh, you mean - no, my brothers are fine. I've just given up drinking.'

    -X-

    It's the final of the wrestling at the Olympics, and the field has been narrowed down to a Russian and an American competing for the gold. Before the bout, the American's trainer gives him a pep talk. 'Don;t forget all the research we've done into this guy', he says. 'He's never lost a match 'cause of this "Pretzel" hold he's got. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
    The wrestler nods in agreement and the match begins. The combatants warily circle each other, looking for an opening, when suddenly the Russian lunges forward, grabs the American and wraps him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd while the trainer buries his face in his hands - he knows it's all over.
    Suddenly there's a scream, followed by a cheer from the crowd. The trainer raises his eyes just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. His back hits the mat with a thud, the American weakly flops on top of him, gets the pin and wins the match.
    The trainer's astounded! Rushing forward with a towel he throws it over his boy and hisses 'How the hell did you do that?'
    'Well I was ready to give up', explains the wrestler, 'but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this bair of balls hanging right in front of me! Well, I had nothing to lose, so I stretched out and chimoped down on them as hard as I could.'
    'And that worked!' says the trainer.
    'Oh yeah. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls.'
    AGN's resident Doctor Who, Star Wars and Torchwood fan

    Current life projects: Survive job, stay awake, write stuff, find new job. Not in that order.

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  6. #16
    Wizrobe biggiy05's Avatar
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    Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread

    A married guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful
    blonde who waves at him and says "Hello!"

    He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where
    he knows her from, so he says, "Do you know me?"

    To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

    Now he thinks back to the ONLY time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My gosh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party where we did it on the pool table with all my buddies watching?

    She looks shocked and then manages to stammer, "No sir, I'm your son's math teacher."

    ==========

    Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night.

    In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

    She replies, "No".

    Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think? "

    His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."

    Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

    She replies, "No."

    Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

    His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

    After school, he comes home and asks, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

    His mom says, "No."

    Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

    His mom replies, "OK! What do you think?"

    He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
    Quote Originally Posted by AtmaWeapon View Post
    It means taking the fart pipe off of your stupid ricemobile and gently accelerating after stopping.

  7. #17
    Dark Lord of the Sith Darth Marsden's Avatar
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    Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread

    A bloke is walking down the street one day when he finds a little oil lamp in the gutter. So he picks it up, give it a rub and out pops a genie. 'I grant you one wish', says the genie.
    'Okay', says the man. 'I wish I could be really lucky for the rest of the day.' The genie snaps his fingers and poof! He's gone. So the man shrugs and starts walking down the road again, wishing he had some cash to try out his new-found luck, when all of a sudden he spots a 50 note lying in the gutter.
    'How lucky', he says to himself, and promptly goes to the bookie and places it on 400-1 long shot. His horse comes in second. 'Oh well', he thinks to himself. All of a sudden there's an announcement - there's been a steward's enquiry and the winner has been disqualified, making his horse the winner!
    'How lucky!' thinks the man.
    After a day of incredibly good luck, he meets his friends in the pub and tells them all about it. They don't believe it, and set him a challenge. The Indian barmaid is sexy as hell - but nobody's managed to screw her yet. The man smiles and walks over to the barmaid, and they start chatting. The next thing he knows, he's giving her a good seeing to in the toilets. 'How lucky' he thinks.
    After a couple of minutes though, he stops. 'Look, I'm sorry' he says to the girl. 'I know it's a religious thing, but I can't take my eyes off that red dot on your forehead. It's ruining my concentration.'
    'Don't worry', she says back. 'It's just a bit of paint. Scratch it off.'
    So he does.
    'Bugger me! I've won a car!'
    AGN's resident Doctor Who, Star Wars and Torchwood fan

    Current life projects: Survive job, stay awake, write stuff, find new job. Not in that order.

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  8. #18
    Certainly they existed... AlexMax's Avatar
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    Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread

    *stick*

  9. #19
    Dark Lord of the Sith Darth Marsden's Avatar
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    Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread

    Woo! I made a sticky! Yeah!

    Mary pulls aside the Father following his Sunday morning service. She's in tears, and the priest is worried. 'What could possibly be bothering you, my child?'
    'Oh Father', sobs Mary, 'I've terrible news - my husband passed away last night.'
    'Oh sweet Jesus, Mary', says the Father. 'That's terrible news. I'm so sorry. Did he have any last requests?'
    'That he did Father', replies Mary, 'That he did. He kept screaming 'Please Mary, put down the gun!''

    -X-

    A man is playing a practice round of golf when he notices a frog sitting next to the playing field. Thinking nothing of it, he takes out a six iron to play his shot when he hears: 'Ribbit. Nine iron.'
    The man looks round, but there's on-one in sight, so he lines up his shot once more. 'Ribbit. Nine iron.'
    He gives the frog a long look and, putting his other club away, grabs the nine iron. THWACK! He puts the ball not 20 cm from the hole. 'You must be a lucky frog' he tells the frog.
    'Ribbit. Lucky frog', the creature replies.
    The man picks up the frog and carries him to the next hole. 'What do you think, little fella?' he asks. 'Ribbit. Three wood' comes the reply.
    The man takes out a three wood and BOOM! Hole in one! Two hours later he's played the best round of golf in his life, so he decides to take trhe frog to Las Vegas. As soon as the plane touches town the frog pipes up, 'Ribbit. Roulette'. As the wheel spins, the frog's there again: 'Ribbit. $3,000, black six.' The man plonks down all his money.
    Result! Black Six! The man takes his winnings and checks into the best room in the hotel. He says to the frog 'I don't know how to repay you'.
    'Ribbit. Kiss me', says the frog. The man puckers up - why not, after all the frog's done for him? And with that kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
    'And that, Your Honour, is how she ended up in my room.'
    AGN's resident Doctor Who, Star Wars and Torchwood fan

    Current life projects: Survive job, stay awake, write stuff, find new job. Not in that order.

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  10. #20
    On top of the world ShadowTiger's Avatar
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    Achievements It's over 9000!

    Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread

    I love these. :p Not quite a joke, but damn funny nevertheless.


    HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS - Actual writings from hospital charts

    1. The patient refused autopsy.

    2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

    3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

    4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

    5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

    6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

    7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

    8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

    9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

    10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

    11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

    12. She is numb from her toes down.

    13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

    14. The skin was moist and dry.

    15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

    16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

    17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

    18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

    19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

    20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

    21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

    22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

    23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

    24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

    25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
    -


    -

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