The Ultimate Joke Thread

[lord_jamitossi]

Hey all! I havn't had time to read all of these yet but I'm gonna go ahead and post these in hopes they haven't been done yet.

-X- (ah, the infamous -X-)

Three girls die and go to heaven. When they arrive there, St. Peter is there to greet them. He tells them, "I will let you into heaven but there is one rule : You must not step on a duck."

Sure enough, when they go through the gates, there are ducks EVERYWHERE. It is literally impossible to not step on a duck.

After barely even five minutes, the first girl steps on a duck. St. Peter shows up with the ugliest man she has ever seen and handcuffs them together. He says, "your punnishment for stepping on a duck is an eternity handcuffed to this man." The new couple leave and are never seen again.

The other two girls last a couple weeks, then the second one steps on a duck. St. Peter shows up with an even uglier man, the most hideous she has ever seen. Once again, he handcuffs them together and tells her that she is to live for an eternity with this man.

The third girl lasts three entire months without stepping on a duck. One day, St. Peter appears with the most beautiful man she has ever seen. He handcuffs them together and leaves without saying a word.

She says, "I don't know what I did to deserve this, but..."

He says, "I don't know about you, but -I- stepped on a DUCK!"

-X-

One day, a woman made beans as a treat for her husband. He enjoyed them a lot, but they made him fart very loudly and constantly. He made her promise to never make him beans again. She agreed.

Many years later, on the man's birthday, as he was walking home from work, he noticed a restaurant that was doing a special on beans. "It's my birthday," he thought, "she won't mind." So he walked in and ate a big plate of beans.

On the way home, he started farting again, loudly and constantly like before. When he got home, his wife blindfolded him and told him she had a suprise. She led him to the kitchen, but the phone rang so she ran to get it. He farted very loud again, but she didn't notice. And again. And again. Just after the smell had left, she returned.

She took off his blindfold.
The suprise was that there was 12 people around the table.

[Darth Marsden]

Bit of a bumper load here, so bear with me. They're all good though.

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning, Pastor" the boy replied, still focused on the plaque. Then he asked "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor said "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked "Which service: the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

-X-

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan; so, the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says "Miss, we're very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but... we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out. We know you're a millionaire, so why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies "The airport wanted to charge me two hundred dollars to store my car. Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Not all Blondes are dumb.

-X-

A little girl was talking to President Bush about whales. Mr. Bush told her that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the President reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
Mr. Bush asked "What if Jonah went to the other place?"
The little girl replied "Then you ask him."

-X-

Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned having recently installed Windows XP on my PC and that I am very happy with this operating system. I also showed him the Windows XP CD, and to my surprise he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned on the oven. Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.'
After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but then on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription; an inscription finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:
4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C20 4F6E65204F5320746
F2066696E64207468656D2CDA4F6E65204F5320746F2062726 96E67207468656D20
616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062 696E64207468656D
'I cannot understand the fiery letters' I said.
'No' he said, 'but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:
One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."

-X-

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said "I must have you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.
Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The lady replied "That son-of-a-bitch had $500 in quarters!"

-X-

A woman is on a date with a wrestler, and at the end of the date they start making out. Things start to get hot and heavy, and in the middle of it, the girl decides she's not into it. "Stop!" she says, but the guy seems not to hear her. "Get off me!" she finally shouts. "Get off me!"
The guy stops, jumps up, rips off his shirt, and starts flexing his muscles.
"What the hell are you doing?" asks the girl.
The guy stops and says "I thought you just told me to 'Get Awesome!'"

-X-

A very unattractive, mean actin' woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.
The Wal-Mart Greeter asks "Are they twins?"
The ugly woman says "No, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why? ... Do you think they really look alike?"
"No" replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

-X-

Two US Marines are listening to the radio in Iraq.
"American soldiers" coos a soft female voice, "Your so-called national Leaders have lied to you. You are needlessly risking your lives to wage a useless, unjust, illegal, and unwinnable war. Now is the time to return home to your loved ones, while you are still alive. If you foolishly insist on remaining where you are not wanted, the brave resistance fighters will have no choice but to kill you and add your name to the long ever-increasing casualty list of this insane war. So why risk never seeing your loved ones again for a so-called president who has repeatedly lied and deceived you at every opportunity? Why should you be sacrificed so that US corporations can enjoy fatter profits? The only wise thing to do is return home now, while you are still drawing breath, before you return zippered into a bodybag."
"What's this?" sneers one Marine. "An Islamo-terrorist version of Tokyo Rose?"
"No" answers the other. "It's just CNN!"

-X-

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in Ithaca, New York, to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.
"Richard" replied the little boy.
"And what is your question, Richard?"
"Actually, I have three questions: Whatever happened to your medical health care plan, Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office and Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.
"My name is George."
"And what is your question, George?"
"I've got 5 questions: Whatever happened to your medical health care plan, Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office, Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House, Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early and What happened to Richard?"

-X-

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"
Again, no response... except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper from the back of the classroom: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, another student in the back said "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Another student yelled "You're INCREDIBLE!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost mob hysteria, the teacher said "You little punk ... if you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said "Oh crap, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro and another student shouts "Duck"!
The teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?"
Pedro answered: "Dick Cheney, 2006!"

-X-

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were "Oh S**T!" Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different. There, 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."

[zeldafan500]

Theres 3 women stranded on an island: A blonde, a redhead, and a burnettte. A magic genie comes to them and says he will give each of them one wish. The redhead wishes she was is Los Vagus. The burnette wishes she was in hollywood. The blonde says: 'I'm lonely. I wish my freinds were back'.

Theres a magic bridge that if you jump off and say something that's what you'll land in. One guy jumps off and says 'gold'. He lands in gold. Another gut jumps off and says 'dimonds'. He lands in diamonds. One guy that doesn't know it's majic falls off and says 'Oh Crap!' So he lands in a big pile of-

(for if you don't know, redhead means red hair, burnette means brown hair, and blonde means blonde hair (duh))

[rocksfan13]

NEVER SAY TO A COP...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Office r! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee ....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[ShadowTiger]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so." Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best," said the Priest. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."




--x--




Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did anything wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in
red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!

Jillian".

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home around 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean. I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

• Broken Coffee Table $89.99
• Hot Breakfast $4.20
• Two Aspirins $0.38
• Saying the right thing, at the right time....PRICELESS!

[anybody]

POTATO PROSTITUTES

Two little potatoes are standing
on the street corner. One is a
prostitute.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?


It's the one with the little sticker that says...

I - DA - HO :rofl:

[ShadowTiger]

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a party to get an acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal. That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I could have a gold urinal , too. But I wouldn't do something so self-indulgent!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting Ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill:

"I found out who peed in your saxophone"

[anybody]

THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by at her recently married son's house. She rang
the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed!
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"

'"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It
excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"' What are you doing?" he asked.
" This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
" Needs ironing," he said. "'What's for dinner?"

[anybody]

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.



The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."


"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"



The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."


Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."



The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."



Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.


The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I' ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.



Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.



The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.



" Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."



The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.



Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.



The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.



"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.



"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."

[Darth Marsden]

Hey, thanks for keeping this thread alive, man.

What Men would do if they had a vagina for the day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

And, accordingly, What Women would do if they had a penis for a day

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

-X-

Q. Why is making love to a teacher so great?
A. Because they'll make you do it over and over again until you get it right.