The Ultimate Joke Thread

[Darth Marsden]

Just an idea, but since we get so many jokes told around here, why not put them all in one thread?

I'll start with a bunch you might enjoy.

-X-

A vicar is walking along a riverbank when he sees Frank, one of his congregation, loading his rod and tackle into his boat. 'Fancy a quick go, Vicar?' he asks.
'I can't today', comes the reply, 'I've got the Archbishop coming for lunch'.
But sure enough, 5 minutes later the pair are out in the water fishing. Suddenly, Frank gets a massive bite and he and the vicar spend the next half-hour wrestling the thing aboard. 'Look at the size of that fucker!' says Frank when the monster finally lies defeated on the boat.
'Frank', tuts the vicar, 'it really is a prize specimen but the use of such language is unforgivable!'
'You don't understand Vicar,' says Frank, thinking fast. 'This fish really is called a Fucker. Er... why don't you take it home for the Archbishop's lunch?'
The vicar accepts and offers his thanks, and so 15 minutes later he returns to the vicarage and smacks the fish down onto the table. 'Look at the size of this Fucker!' he exclaims to his housekeeper.
She's shocked. 'A fine fish it is, but I can't believe you'd use such language in the vicarage!' The vicar explains that it's the name of the fish as he cleans the thing up, and so, slightly happier, she takes the fish from the vicar and takes it to the kitchen to cook.
Soon the Archbishop arrives and sits down to lunch with the vicar. In comes the housekeeper with the cooked fish, and the Archbishop remarks at its size. 'Oh', says the housekeeper, 'well, Frank caught the Fucker, the vicar cleaned the Fucker up and I cooked the Fucker for your lunch!'. The Archbishop beams, kicks off his shoes and starts rolling up a joint. 'You know', he says, 'you bastards are all right.'

-X-

A man walks into a bar ('Ouch!') and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses on the bar and fills them all with Scotch. Quickly the man downs them one after the other until he's gotten through all 12.
'So', says the bartender, 'what are you celebrating?'
'My first blow job', says the man.
'Well then, let me buy you one more!' the bartender smiles.
'Nah, thanks', says the man. 'If 12 doesn't get rid of the taste, nothing will.'

-X-

Standing at a urinal, one man turns to the guy next to him. 'Excuse me', he says, 'but I couldn't help noticing you've been circumcised.'
'Er, yes', says the other man, somewhat baffled. 'I am Jewish'.
'And your surgeon was Dr Abraham Winklehock, right?'
The second man is amazed. 'Yes! But how on earth did you know? It was over 30 years ago!'
'Bastard never could cut straight,' says the first man. 'You're pissing on my shoe.'

-X-

A man isn't getting on very well with his wife, and thinks that getting a pet that they can both care for will help. After mooching around the pet store he suddenly spots a parrot on a small perch. It doesn't have any legs, and thinking out loud, the man mutters 'Huh. Wonder what happened to you, little guy.'
To his surprise, the parrot responds 'It was a birth defect.'
The man is amazed. 'You understand me?'
'Every word', the parrot replies. 'I'm a highly intellegent and thoroughly educated bird.'
'Okay', says the man. 'But... how do you hang onto your perch?'
Somewhat embarrassed, the parrot replies 'Well, you can't see it for my feathers, but... I use my penis as a sort of... well, hook'.
The man is amazed, and after a few minutes chatting realises that the bird is more educated and friendly then some of his friends. Making his mind up, he looks at the price tag, only to see to his dismay that it reads £200. The parrot notices his concern and motions the guy closer with his wing. 'Look mate. The owner's desperate to get rid of me, cause of my... condition. Just make an offer, he'll take it.'
So the man makes an offer of £20 and, sure enough, he walks out of the store with the parrot. Weeks go by and the bird is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathises, gives good advice and he even helps the man and his wife get closer again. The man is delighted - until one day, when he comes home from work and is beckoned over by his multicoloured friend.
'Look mate, I feel awful about this, but I think you ought to know about your wife', he wispers to the man. 'See, the postman came to the door this morning and... well, she was waiting for him in that sexy nightie you bought her last Christmas.'
The man is shocked, and presses him for more information. 'Well, they started kissing and the postman... well, he lifted up the nightie and started rubbing her breasts.'
'Ah no!' exclaims the man. 'What happened then?'
'He... he tooks her nightie off and started kissing her breasts... then he started moving down and...'
The parrot pauses. 'Then what? What happened next?' says the man frantically.
'I don't know', says the parrot, sheepishly. 'That's when I fell off my perch.'

-X-

A little blind girl goes up to her mum. 'Mummy', she says, 'when will I be able to see?'
Smiling kindly, her mum replies 'I'll tell you what. I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes. You should be able to see tomorrow morning.'
With the little girl jumping excitedly, the two head out into town. They return with the cream and that evening, the mother rubs the balm onto her little girl's eyes. 'Aah, Mummy!' cries the girl. 'It stings!'
'Be brave' consoles her mother, and wraps her head in bandages before putting her to bed. The next morning the little girl tumbles into her mum's bedroom. 'Quick Mummy', she says, 'take off the bandage!' And so, slowly, the mother peels off the bandages while her daughter braces herself for the big moment. 'But Mummy' says the girl once the final bandage is removed, 'I still can't see.'
Her mother smiles sympathetically. 'Yes dear' she replies, 'April Fool.'

-X-

Ted's a bus conductor, until one fateful morning when he tells the bus driver to pull away as a frail old lady is boarding. Tragically she's killed. Ted is convicted of manslaughter and, residing in Texas, faces death by electric chair. 'Any last requests?' asks the executioner.
'Well', says Ted, 'I see you've an unripe banana there. Mind if I have it?'
The executioner agress, Ted polishes off the fruit and the switch is flipped - but when the smoke clears Ted is still very much alive. Not sure what else to do, the authorities set him free and before long ted is back on the buses... then disaster. The same accident befalls another commuter. Ted is once more sent to the chair, once more gobbles down an unripe banana and once more survives.
He returns to society again, but tragedy! Three children are pulled under the bus and it's back to the chair. Come last request time the executioner produces an unripe banana and a few minutes later, Ted's ready. The switch is thrown, all the prison lights go out... and there's Ted, fit as a fiddle.
'Why won't you DIE?' screams the executioner. 'It's that fucking banana, isn't it!'
'No', wimpers Ted. 'I'm just a really bad conductor.'

-X-

Let's keep 'em coming!

[rocksfan13]

Thanks Darth! A specific thread for jokes! Awesome!

[ShadowTiger]

... "-X-" ...

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."


-X-

Things you don't want to hear when lying on the operating table

What's this doing here?

Okay, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

I didn't hear anything in med school about small, hissing reptilian creatures crawling through the patient's stomach.

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Damn, there go the lights again...

Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.

Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.



-X-


Lessons From Hollywood

1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one.
2. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit of a woman, but only the waist of the man lying beside her.
4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to over-ride the communications system of any invading alien society.
6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least half an hour to escape.
8. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the
right wire.
14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.



-X-


A Gorilla In A Bar

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini. Bartender has never seen a gorilla in the bar, doesn't know what to do so he goes to the back to ask his boss.

Boss says, "Go ahead and serve him. But overcharge him - gorillas aren't too smart."

Bartender goes back to the bar, serves the gorilla a martini. Gorilla pays with a ten dollar note, and bartender gives him one dollar back in change.

Bartender is really curious. "You know," he says, "we don't get many gorillas in here."

"No wonder," says the gorilla, "with these prices!"



-X-


Backfiring Tricks

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes."



-X-

(One of my favorites. :p You really have to imagine this.)

First Time Cab Driver

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."


-X-

And my all time favorite:

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh My God-Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!" I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets "It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.

So he started running along beside the others about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and drive my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only if it's raining."

[rocksfan13]

Here's a good one for you guys!

3 guys die and go to heaven.

They are all standing in front of St. Peter waiting for passage.

St. Peter turns to them and speaks.

"Welcome gentlemen, to Heaven. Before I let you pass, I need to figure out what kind of vehicle you will ride around with in heaven. Now, this vehicle is decided by how faithful you were to your spouse. I remind you, I will now if you are lying, so tell the truth."

The man begins to sweat.

He steps up and St. Peter askes him, "What's your story Miles?"

Miles wipes the sweat from his forehead and replies,"Well you see, uh, I didn't really much like my wife. I, uh, don't think you will have anything shiney for me, uh. But, to be honest, I, uh, always messed around, with anyone that would let me."

St. Peter shakes his head and replies,"Although I admire your honesty for admitting your unfaithfulness, I still have no choice but to give you this...", he points to a red bicycle. "Hope you enjoy this more than you did your spouse."

He grabs it and rides it on in.

The second guy steps up and St. Peter asks him, "What's your story Bob?"

Bob replies, "Well, I wasn't as good as the other guy. I messed around a little."

"What's a little?", asked St. Peter.

"About 5 or 6 times. But we were married for a long time."

St. Peter replied,"Well Bob, I see that you had a long relationship and weren't totally unfaithful and thus are awarded this...", then points to an orange motor scooter. "Have fun."

The next guy steps up and St. Peter asks him, "What's your story Gerry?"

Gerry replies,"Well, sir. I was the greatest husband of all! I never did anything unfaithful to my wife. I was very good."

St. Peter then replied,"I see this to be true. And because of your faith you will be rewarded with this....", then points to a red mustang convertable. "Enjoy!"

He then takes of with his new car.

Now, about 3 weeks down the road, Bob still has his scooter and obviously Miles has ditched the bike. They were both on Bob's scooter riding down a road and come by Gerry.
They see him sitting on his bumper crying his eyes out. They go up to him and ask,"What's wrong Gerry? You got this great car, lots of women chasing you around, what could be wrong?"

He looks up with tears in his eyes and answers, "I just saw my wife go by on a SKATEBOARD!"

[Darth Marsden]

Some quickies:

Why did the woman cross the road?
Sod that - what the hell is she doing out of the kitchen?

What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
Two bullets.

How do you confuse a dickhead?
Fourty-Two.

What type of bees produce milk?
Boobees!

How do you kill an entire circus at once?
Go for the Jugguler.

What do you call a lesbian with big fingers?
Well hung.

What's grey, sits and the end of your bed and takes the piss?
A dialysis machine.

What have Kermit the From and Henry the VIII got in common?
Their middle name.

Where would you find a duck with no legs?
Where you left it.

What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?
Popeye kicked the shit out of him.

What do blondes use for protection during sex?
Bus shelters.

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?
Roberto.

What's long, thin and smells of piss?
Pensioners doing the conga.

What's the difference between your penis and your bonus?
Your wife will always blow your bonus.

What's pink and hangs out your pants?
Your mum.

Why was the blonde sacked from the sperm bank?
She was caught drinking on the job.

What did the Buddhist say to the hotdog seller?
Make me one with everything.

How do you make a bear cross?
Nail two of them together.

[Archibaldo]

A woman is currently having an affair. One day, her husband comes home earl from work. The woman then tells her boy friend to hide. So he does. When the husband gets home, he sees his wife naked and immediately knows that she was having sex with another man. He looks every where but doesn't find him. He then walks over to the balcony and looks down. On the floor below, there is a man hanging on the railing. The husband then pushes the fridge over the edge and it lands on the man hanging below. Then the wife then comes up behind the man and pushes him out the window.

Up in heaven the husband and the man are at the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the husband how he died. The husband replies "I was pushed out a window". St. Peter lets him through the gates. The next man comes up. St. Peter askes hm how he dies. He replies "I was excersizing on the balcony and slipped off and fell a few floors. I then caught hold of the railing of the balcony when suddenly a crazed maniac drops a fridge on me." St. Peter lets him in. Then a third guy comes up and St. Peter gives him the same question. "Well, I was sitting in a refridgerator naked..."

[Darth Marsden]

Two men were playing golf when, during their round, they saw two women playing at the hole in front of them. Not only were these women absolutely terrible golfers - they kept slicing the ball, missing their shots, the whole works - but they didn't wave the men through, as golf ettiquete dictates.

After waiting a full half-hour, one of the men has had enough. 'That's it! I'm gonna give them a piece of my mind!' he says, and storms over towards the women. Halfway over though, he stops, turns back and returns to the other man.

'I can't do it! That's my wife AND my lover!' he says, shocked. The other man gives him a sympathetic look and walks over to the women, but he too stops and returns. Rather sheepishly, he says 'It's a small world, isn't it?'

[rocksfan13]

Two men were playing golf when, during their round, they saw two women playing at the hole in front of them. Not only were these women absolutely terrible golfers - they kept slicing the ball, missing their shots, the whole works - but they didn't wave the men through, as golf ettiquete dictates.

After waiting a full half-hour, one of the men has had enough. 'That's it! I'm gonna give them a piece of my mind!' he says, and storms over towards the women. Halfway over though, he stops, turns back and returns to the other man.

'I can't do it! That's my wife AND my lover!' he says, shocked. The other man gives him a sympathetic look and walks over to the women, but he too stops and returns. Rather sheepishly, he says 'It's a small world, isn't it?'

God! Imagine the foursome these people could have! WOW!

An indian walks into a brothel and walks upi to the pimp and states
"Me horney. Me want woman now!"
The pimp takes his money and directs him to room on the balcony.
The man goes up and disappears in a room.
About 10 minutes later there is loud screaming coming from that room.
The pimp runs up and swings the door open to find the women screaming at the indian.
"Dude! What the hell are you doing?" He yells "Leave and come back when you know what you're doing!"
He does so and the next night he returns and says
"Me ready. Me want woman!"
The pimp says
"Are you sure?"
"Yes" he says.
He then sends him upstairs again.
15 minutes later comes another scream.
Again the pimp runs up to find the same thing.
"Dude! You still don't know what you're doing. Leave and go practice on tree for about a week and then come back."
He does so.
About 3 weeks later the man returns.
"Me definately ready now."
"Are you sure this time?" asks the pimp.
"Yes. Me ready!"
He takes his money and sends him up.
About 2 minutes later comes the loudest scream the pimp has ever heard.
He runs up the steps and swing open the door to find the man jamming a broom stick into the women.
"Dude! What the F*** are you doing?"
The man looks up and replies
"Me check for bees!"

[moocow]

After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Tony replied, "That's me before the operation."

[moocow]

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

------

A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!" says the husband, "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

------

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."

------

"The Related Sale" was the subject of a pep talk given recently by the manager of a certain super-drug store.

"For instance, if a customer wants razor blades," he told employees, "ask him how he's fixed for shaving cream and after-shave lotion. That way you can turn a small sale into a bigger one and make more commission."

The youngest clerk was very impressed with the talk and was eager to try the technique on his very next customer. This turned out to be a rather embarrassed gentleman who shyly requested a box of Kotex for his wife.

Ten minutes later, the manager of the store was amazed to see The customer staggering out loaded down with assorted fishing equipment, tackle, nets, boots and a one-man inflatable life raft.

"What happened?!" The manager gasped, and the clerk modestly attributed his success to "The Related Sale."

"Related Sale!" Exclaimed the manager. "But all he wanted was a box of Kotex."

"I know," said the clerk. "So I said, 'Look, mister, there isn't going to be much doing around your house this weekend. Why don't you take a fishing trip?'"

------

A Kindergarten teacher was giving a lesson to her pupils, and she asked them, "Ok, if three birds are sitting on a fence, and I shoot one, how many are left?"

One of the boys raised his hand and the teacher called on him, "None," he answered. "No, I'm sorry, the answer is TWO," the teacher replied. "But," returned the boy, "if you shot at one bird, wouldn't the other two fly away?" "Well, that's still not the right answer," began the teacher, "but I like the way you think!"

"Ok, now I have a question for you," started the boy. "If three women are standing on a sidewalk eating ice cream and one is just nibbling at it, one is really licking it, and the other is shoving it deep down into her throat... how can you tell which one is married?"

"Now, I really don't like this question," lectured the teacher, "but I would have to say it is the third one." The boy glanced casually at his teacher, "Nope, it is the one wearing the ring... But," he added, "I like the way you think."

------

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

------

Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert. They cam upon a castle, dying of thirst they decided to go into the castle. Inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful women. The three men decided to stay (obviously, what man wouldn't). For a week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with the many beautiful women. After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he walked into his castle he found the three men with his women. Pissed off the king ordered his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall. Then the king said that each of them would be serverly punished according to their occupation.

The king goes up the the first man and demands to know his occupation. The first man replies..."Fireman." The king tells his army, "Burn off his penis." Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation. Hesitating the man said...."I...I...I...I'm a police officer." The king ordered, "Shoot off his penis." Then finally the King asks the third man his occupation. With a huge smile on his face the man replied, "Lollipop salesman."

------

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously," What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures, and suck 'em dry".

------

One night, a young boy heard noises from his parent's bedroom. It was hard for him, but he went back to sleep. The next night he heard the same noises, but once again fell back asleep. Finally, on the third day that he was woken up by his parents, he decides to see what the heck they are doing.

So he walks up to his parents room, and sees his mother on top of his father. She is moving up and down on top of him, and they both are making grunting noises. He has no idea what is going on, and decides to go back to bed.

The next morning the boy tells his mother about how they woke him up, and what he saw when he went to see what they were doing. Finally, he asks what was going on. His mother decides he is too young to learn about sex, so she tells him that since his father is getting old and fat, she has to jump on top on him to keep him thin.

"But mommy," the boy exclaims, "That won't work, cause everyday when you go to work, the next door neighboor comes over and blows him back up!"