... "-X-" ...
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
-X-
Things you don't want to hear when lying on the operating table
What's this doing here?
Okay, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
I didn't hear anything in med school about small, hissing reptilian creatures crawling through the patient's stomach.
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
-X-
Lessons From Hollywood
1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one.
2. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit of a woman, but only the waist of the man lying beside her.
4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to over-ride the communications system of any invading alien society.
6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least half an hour to escape.
8. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the
right wire.
14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-X-
A Gorilla In A Bar
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini. Bartender has never seen a gorilla in the bar, doesn't know what to do so he goes to the back to ask his boss.
Boss says, "Go ahead and serve him. But overcharge him - gorillas aren't too smart."
Bartender goes back to the bar, serves the gorilla a martini. Gorilla pays with a ten dollar note, and bartender gives him one dollar back in change.
Bartender is really curious. "You know," he says, "we don't get many gorillas in here."
"No wonder," says the gorilla, "with these prices!"
-X-
Backfiring Tricks
Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.
The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes."
-X-
(One of my favorites. :p You really have to imagine this.)
First Time Cab Driver
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
-X-
And my all time favorite:
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh My God-Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!" I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.
So he started running along beside the others about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective!
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and drive my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only if it's raining."