The Ultimate Joke Thread

[Darth Marsden]

Holy Crap, this thread's updating again! Umm...

A man is walking down the High Street when suddenly a nearby wall collapses, burying him in rubble. It's ten minutes before another passer-by - a smartly dressed man - happens to wander past. 'Christ! Are you okay mate?' he cries. 'Has anyone called an ambulance?'
'Uh... no' comes the agonised reply.
'Right. What about the police?' asks the second man.
'No' moans the injured man.
'Okay... how about the compensation board?'
By now the injured man is groggily angry. 'Look - you're the first one here!'
The smart man thinks for a minute. 'All right' he says, shifting some rubble. 'Move over then.'

[biggiy05]

I got this in an e-mail and thought it was funny. Maybe that's just because I have leopard geckos and do alot of herp rescues.

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome
> including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below
will
> have
> you laughing out LOUD
>
> Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what
happened:
>
> Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
> "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in
his
> room.
>
> "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. I'm serious dad,
can you
> help?"
>
> I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him
into his
> bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking
> stressed I immediately knew what to do.
>
> "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
>
> "Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
babies!"
>
> "What?" my shocked son demanded, "But their names are Bert and Ernie,
> Mom!"
>
> I was equally outraged.
>
> " Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
> reproduce," I accused my wife.
>
> "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
> inquired.
>
> "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
most
> loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
>
> "Yeah! Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
>
> "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
> informed me. (again with that sarcasm, in her voice).
>
> By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I
> shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
>
> "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're
> about to witness the miracle of birth."
>
> "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "yuck!"
>
> "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter
of
> tiny lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
>
> We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny
> foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
>
> "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
>
> "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
>
> "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
>
> "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next
> appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more
> times
> with the same results.
>
> "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could
> talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females
in
> my
> house?)
>
> "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
>
> We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
>
> "Breathe,Ernie, breathe," he urged.
>
> "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women
can be
> so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
but
> this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
>
> The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little
> animal through a magnifying glass.
>
> "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
>
> "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
speak to
> you privately for a moment?"
>
> I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
>
> "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
>
> "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
> fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see,
Ernie is
> a
> young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male
> species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on
his
> back."
>
> He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.
> Cameron."
>
> We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just... excited,"
my
> wife offered.
>
> "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
>
> More silence.
>
> Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then
even
> laugh loudly.
>
> "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman I
> married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
>
> Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...
I'm
> picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for
more
> air
> to bellow in laughter once more.
>
> "That's enough!" I warned.
>
> We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back
into
> the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
>
> "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told
me.
>
> "Oh, you have NO idea!" Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with
> laughter.
>
> Cage - $50... Lizards - $140... Trip to the Vet - $30... Memory of
your
> husband pulling on a lizard's wacker..... Priceless!
>
> Oh, and for your information....
>
> LIZARDS LAY EGGS!!!!! :)

[triforceholder]

Diary Of A Snow Shoveler


December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the
best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and
felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect
life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says
we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice
man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took
my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon
and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this
way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes
out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets
on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit
it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably
won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to
go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed,
pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire
Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he
says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says
she did but I think she's damn well lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his
balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour
and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife
wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents,
but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I
hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her
mother . 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?