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Gather around, bitches.
Glenn the Great Corps. will now be holding a contest in the interest of promoting community culture awareness and enrichment.
What you are being asked to do is to make a script for a skit in the pilot episode of a new variety show about AGN.
This show will be targeted for the 4:00 PM Weekday Afternoon time slot. We have chosen this time slot to attract a target audience which we believe will resonate with the mentality of most of the members here.
It needs to be funny, or the little bastards will think it sucks.
The community will elect a winning entry one week from now.
The winner will receive a ZIP file full of 8000 high resolution anime girl images (total size of 1.92GB), or can alternatively opt to reach into the mystery grab bag and pull out a prize.
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
SCENE 1
[Beldaran enters]
Hot Woman#1: Oh my god, you're so fucking hot!
Hot Woman#2: Let's take his pants off and look at his cock!
Hot Woman#3: Yes, I agree! When I lookt at him, all I can think about is his sweaty man sausage!
[Beldaran is wrestled to the ground by the trio of giggling porn stars]
[Sounds of slurping and "oooh" and "ahhhh"]
[A totally awesome metal band busts through the wall and starts playing a bad ass song]
THE END
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
Problem: there aren't 3 of me and I don't fuck musicians
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Lilith
Problem: there aren't 3 of me and I don't fuck musicians
This is TV, girl. We'll use special effects to make it look like there are 3 of you. You don't really have to have sex with him, because as he goes down, the camera will pan over to the kick ass metal band while we hear the oohs and aahs.
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Lilith
I don't fuck musicians
I'm also an up and coming engineer. :)
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
lol engineers don't get any tail
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
[Day. A crowd is gathered under a "Memorial Service" banner located in the middle of a street and listens to Father War Lord as he delivers a service. Darth Marsden, Glenn The Great, Beldaran and Lilith are there among the crowd, in their funeral best]
Father War Lord: Friends, we gather in this place to mourn the victims of yesterday's tragedy: nine good people who were run over in the street by an elderly woman driver.
Darth Marsden: God, this is boring.
Glenn the Great: You insensitive asshole! Nine people died!
Darth: Yeah, but 8 of them were Star Trek fans. Who cares about Star Trek fans? Star Trek sucks.
Lilith: What, sucks like Episode I or Episode II?
Darth: ...shut up.
Father War Lord: It is sometimes hard, in times like these, to understand God's way. Why would he allow nine innocent people to be run down in the prime of their lives by a senior citizen who, perhaps, shouldn't be driving? It is then that we must understand, God's sense of humor is very different from our own. He does not laugh at the simple "man walks into a bar" joke. No, God needs complex irony and subtle farcical twists that seem macabre to you and me. All that we can hope for is that God got his good laugh and a tragedy such as this will never happen again.
[Screeching tires are heard. Franpa runs into the crowd]
Franpa: Elderly driver! ELDERLY DRIVER!
[People panic and start running as an elderly driver runs his car into the middle of the street. He runs over several people and crashes into a light standard at the other end of the street]
Elderly Driver: Did I just hit a pot hole?
[CUT TO: Television News Report. A splash screen shows various correspondents and anchors, and a globe spins in front of the montage. Y'know, like in all self-important news reports]
Anthony: Another series of deaths tonight by a senior citizen motorist. Barney Calhoon of New Mexico, Carl Johnson of San Andreas and Miles Prowler of Mobius were killed instantly when struck by a vehicle driven by Pete Malman, who was trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet. This latest tragedy comes only two days after the accident in Deer Creek, where three construction workers and a bulldozer [Shown] were run down by senior citizen Paul Thom [Shown, irate], who was trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet. Public outcry is forcing the DMV to consider suspending the licenses of all seniors over seventy, where Pineconn is live. Pineconn?
[CUT TO: Pineconn, reporting from the DMV]
Pineconn: Thanks Anthony. I'm standing outside of the Department of Motor Vehicles, where officials have just declared that Senior Citizens have until three p.m. to hand over their driver's licenses. The new law was passed just hours after what we in the business are calling 'The Day of Death', mostly because it sounds impressive. Back to you, Ant.
Anthony: Thanks, Pineconn. And don't call me Ant, idiot.
[DMV, inside. A poster on the wall says "Drive 65 MPH. Stay alive." {DSG}DarkRaven, ShadowTiger and Elise sit at a table taking the licenses seniors standing in line give them. ShadowTiger takes a license from an elderly man]
ShadowTiger: Alrighty. [Cuts it in two and drops the halves into a box] There we go. Next? [A fat elderly lady approaches, then the elderly man with the walker]
Elderly Lady: It ain't right what you're doin'! I never had an accident in my life! You shouldn't punish all of us!
Elise: but this is the only way to be sure. Next please. [Cuts up another license] There we go.
Elderly Man: But how am I supposed to get to the grocery store? Or the pharmacy to buy medicine?
{DSG}DarkRaven: Well, maybe you should be in a nursing home. Hmmm?
Elderly Man: Some of us would rather die!
{DSG}DarkRaven: Well, we can certainly help you with that, too.
Elderly Man: Bah! [Walks off]
Elise: Next!
...I can go on if you want. There's plenty more South Park episodes to canabalise.
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
At first, I though this was a thread complaining about a lack of GB =/ Maybe I'll pull something from my weird dreams and post something. (and) lol Darth
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
A black screen with "MASTERSWORDULTIMA IS GREAT" in white text for 30 minutes. Also, that annoying censor sound plays constantly.
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
Nice, Darth! And I'm not just saying that because I'm in it. :tongue:
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
Very good Darthy!!
Although let's hope South Park creators don't come knocking on our door with copyright infringements.
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
By popular demand...
[Beldaran's house, around midday. The gang are just leaving.]
Darth: Isn't this great, you guys? Being able to walk the streets now that old people are confined to their homes where they belong?
[The group all turn and stare at Darth.]
Darth: Yeah, that didn't sound so harsh in my head.
[The group continue onwards. As they move away from Beldaran's house, an elderly figure emerges from the front door.]
Beldaran's Grandad: Billy, get in the car! I need you boys to help me pick up my new Hov-Around.
Beldaran:Uh, Grandpa, I don't think you should be driving.
Grandad: God-damnit Billy! You're supposed to listen to your dad, right?! Well I'm your dad's dad, and that means you get in this car before I tan all your hides!
Lilith: Well, look at it this way guys: statistically speaking, we're safer inside a car with an old person driving than we would be on the outside.
Darth: ...dammit, I hate it when she's right. I call shotgun!
[The gang climb in, strap themselves in, and Glenn the Great offers a quick prayer]
Glenn: Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee, even though I walk through the valley of death. [Beldaran's Grandad starts up the car and groans a bit] Guys, I don't know if I ever told you this, but, well, I love you guys. [Pause] Except for you, Darth.
Darth: Damn straight.
Grandad: Okay, all set?
[Beldaran's Grandad backs out of the a driveway, and an oncoming car honks at him. The driver screams something at him. Pretty soon, other cars and trucks are doing their best to avoid him. Cars begin crashing and flying through the air. The gang wince at every accident, and after a few minutes a police cruiser catches up to them]
Beldaran: Ah, I think there's a police car behind you, Grandpa.
Grandad: Eh? [Signals to the officer] Go around. Go around, you moron!
Officer Rijuhn: Blue Impala, pull your vehicle over!
Glenn: Is that us? Oh please God, let that be us!
Darth: Yeah, that's us.
Glenn: Praise the Lord!
Beldaran's Grandad pulls over to the side and stops. Officer Rijuhn stops as well and approaches the driver side.]
Officer Rijuhn: Could I see your license, please?
Grandad: I ain't got one! You peckers took it!
Officer Rijuhn: Well then, I have to take you to jail.
Grandad: You just try taking me to jail, scrotum-head! You just try!
Beldaran's Grandad starts whacking Officer Rijuhn with his cane. Beldaran holds his head in his hands while the others look on in shock. Officer Rijuhn backs away from the cane, takes his pistol and fires it into the air, at which point Beldaran's Grandad throws his cane out of the car window and put his hands in the air. Beldaran looks up at the others and shrugs his sholders as if to say 'What can you do?']
[CUT TO: Police jail. Beldaran's Grandad sits behind bars with a cane.]
Grandad: Big tough guy with a gun. Why in my day, we fought with sharpened sticks, miserable...
Officer Rijuhn: I just got him right here, Beldaran.
Beldaran: Well, good job, Grandad. Look what happened. I told you not to drive, but would you listen to me? No!
Grandad: Oh God damnit, don't you dare lecture me, Billy!
Beldaran: You just had to be so damn stubborn, didn't you?!
Grandad: Great. Now my own Grandson is gonna talk to me like I was younger than him.
Beldaran: I'm not gonna treat you like a child, Grandad. All right? Now I think you owe Mr. Police Officer an apology. Who needs to apologize, hm? [He wags his finger at his Grandad] Who's the sorry-sorry?
Grandad: Kiss my old, wrinkled ass!
Beldaran: Oh, y'know what? I was gonna bail you out, but maybe you can just sit here for a bit and think about what you did!
Grandad: Well I won't be sitting here long! I've already called the AARP!
Beldaran: The who-what now?
Grandad: The American Association of Retired Persons! The largest political group in the country! When seniors like me are bein' descriminated against, the AARP comes and sets it right! And you're gonna be sorry when they get here!
[The AGN cafe. The gang, along with other regulars, are all hanging out, listening to War Lord performing his latest rap.]
War Lord: So I take my gun and I point it at him
And he's screaming at me 'Don't kill me, please!'
But I'm not listening and I fire a round
Hits him in the chest and he hits the ground
Blood is pouring all over the place
And I... I... [He's distracted by something. One or two people follow his eyeline and see elderly paratroopers drifting down onto the pavement outside. The gangs' eyes follow him] Huh. Those ROTC guys are way off course. [The paratroopers open their cargo boxes and unload firearms]
Darth: Holy crap! More old people!
Beldaran: [Realising]The American Association of Retired Persons. Jesus, I thought he was rambling about the good ol' days again - I didn't realise he meant it!
[War Lord heads outside, bidding the others to stay where they are. One of the old folks, an incredibly old woman smacks him across the face with the butt of her semiautomatic, and he goes down in pain on one knee. The seniors begin firing away, with rifles, semiautomatics, whatever. The gang look on and gasp]
Glenn: Old people gone mad! It's the end of the world as we know it!
...more if demanded.
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Darth Marsden
...more if demanded.
LOL....this is good. Bring it on.
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
Pssh, you don't need to ask me twice. More, por favor!
(Y'know, maybe a fan fic section would be a good thing to add to these forums. That'd get really interesting.)
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
...damn, this is getting me loads of green rep...
[U.S. Geological Service. PrrKitty sits at her desk making notes when she hears the soft rustling of tarp on snow. She spins around in her chair to see more AARP paratroopers. She rises in disbelief. A gas canister flies through the window and unleashes its fumes. PrrKitty starts coughing. The door flies open and some AARP paratroopers walk in wearing gas masks.]
AARP Member: Contact. [Quickly aims her machine gun at PrrKitty] Put your hands up, young lady!
[She does so and is subsequently marched out into the street. CUT TO: Jail. Beldaran's Grandad is looking out his small cell window when the AARP enters and approach the cell. A man steps forward from the group.]
AARP Leader: I'm Bill Stewart, President of the AARP. Hu-we've come to help the seniors in this town fight back.
Grandad: Oh, it's nice to meet ya, Bill.
Bill: Huh?? We came as fast as we could. We just had to stop by Country Kitchen Buffet first. Mmm!
[The center of town, day. One of the members brings Beldaran forward]
Beldaran: What the hell is going on?!
AARP member: Shut your piehole and get over there!
[Beldaran moves forward and joins the other hostages. PrrKitty sidles up to him]
Prrkitty: Beldaran, what is this?
Bill: Hey! You are now under the authority of the AARP!
Grandad: Ha! There you go, Mr. Smartmouth! Look at you now!
Beldaran: Grandad, what are you doing??
Grandad: The AARP is gonna help us take this town until we get our licenses back!
Elderly Woman: Yeah, and we're gonna ask for more money in Medi-Care, too!
biggiy05: Have you all got Alzheimer's? The-they're not gonna listen to a bunch of whacked out senior citizens.
Bill: Heh?? We'll tell them if they don't give us our demands, we'll start killin' hostages!
biggiy05: Huh, right. They're gonna really believe that.
[The elderly woman next to him simply lifts her gun and fires at biggiy point blank. He falls down dead. The crowd express shock and anger, for some reason]
Grandad: Isn't that a little extreme, Bill?
Bill: Heh?? No, we gotta be tough! Just like with those damned Japs!
Beldaran: This is insane, Grandad! It was bad enough when Darth went on that killing spree, but this? You all need to stop right now before more people get hurt!
Grandad: The time when you can tell me what to do is over, pucky-boy! We're in charge now!
[Some time later. The town is now an encampment, protected by barbed wire, sandbags, and metal shields. A woman with an IV unit stands behind some sandbags.]
Grandad: All right, we've got control of the Mayor's office and the fire station.
AARP member: Reinforcements have arrived from the nursing home in Conifer.
Bill: Good! Hell, us senior citizens could take over the entire country!
AARP lookout: We've got company!
[Outside the blockade, a huge number of military jeeps, vans and tanks arrive. They pull up outside the barriers and a number of soldiers get out, arming their weapons at the walls. An officer gets out of a jeep and takes out a megaphone.]
Officer: Attention seniors: lay down your weapons and turns yourselves over!
Bill: Mrs. Applegate, show 'em we mean business.
Mrs. Applegate: All right.
[Mrs Applegate is carrying a rocket launcher. At Bill's request, she fires the rocket and falls back from the recoil. The rocket heads for a Jeep full of troops. The troops scramble off. The rocket strikes and demolishes the Jeep, killing one of the soldiers, who's head lands in the lap of another soldier, who instantly starts screaming and running around histerically. Eventually the officer manages to regain composure and retakes the megaphone.]
Officer: What do you want?
Bill: Heh??
Grandad: We want our licenses back! [Sounds of approval from the other seniors]
Elderly Woman: That's right. And we want more money and Medi-Care! [More shouts of approval]
Elderly Man: And we want those damned kids to stop skateboardin' on the sidewalk! [The shout of approval are, quite literally, deafening.]
[Nighttime, the drive-in. All adults who are not senior citizens have been gathered into an enclosure around the massive screen. Two seniors stand guard at the gates, other seniors keep the adults in line. The adults are cold. Some cough, some try to keep warm by burning tires inside empty gas drums. Beldaran is one of those warming his hands over a fire, along with Glenn the Great and Lilith. He moans. Darth snakes up to the side of the encampment where the group is, having not been arrested]
Darth: Hey guys.
Beldaran: Darth! You... you're OK! How did they not catch you?
Darth: I'm a freakin' Sith Lord, OK? God, I've been in this freakin' place for years, you'd think people would know me by now! Hopeless, the bloody lot of you. Hopeless!
Lilith: Shh! They'll hear you!
Darth: Yeah, right. None of them have their hearing aids in, y'know.
Glenn: ...that explains a lot.
Darth: Look, how the hell did they get you guys? I thought you were all better than that!
Lilith: We tried to stop them, but... the seniors get up so early in the morning they... get everything done before everyone else is even awake! It's insane!
Glenn: I heard them saying something about taking over the entire country - could they really do that?
Beldaran: Seeing how early they get up, I don't see how anyone can stop them. Wait a minute... when do you get up, Darth?
Darth: I'm always up. I haven't slept since 1994.
Lilith: Seriously? How the hell do you stay awake?
Darth: Caffine. Lots and lots of caffine.
Lilith: ...so that's why you're always drinking Red Bull. I did wonder.
Beldaran: Look Darth, you've got to stop them! We can't do anything stuck in here! [He looks back, alarmed - more prisoners are being herded into the 'camp'] Dammit, they're coming! Quick, get out of here before they see you!
Darth: Christ, leave it to the resident Dark Lord of the Sith to solve all your problems. You guys owe me big time. [Darth turns and leaves. ShadowTiger notices and runs right up to the wires.]
ShadowTiger: Avenge me Darth! AVENGE ME!!!
...more after a good nights sleep...
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
Yer good Darthy :) Thanks honey :) <hug>
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
Sweet.
I would write my own, but I'm not sure I could compete with Darth's.
Keep em coming.
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Beldaran
I'm also an up and coming engineer. :)
oh okay :panties dissolve:
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
*snaps fingers
An episode where a random member comes in, sees this thread, and asks why all the ideas have anything to do with AGN. The rest of the episode contains running gags of people dumping septic substances on him, ala the slime in the "you can't do that on television" show.
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
...well, that was the worst nights sleep I've had in ages, but an audience awaits...
[Darth is running through the town, avoiding old people as he does. Suddenly, the alarm goes up - he's been spotted! He ducks into an alley and wonders how they saw him. Then he looks down - he's wearing a blue 'dragon' shirt. Cursing his luck, he climbs up the fire escape and makes for the roof as several elderly guards find him. They try to climb up the fire escape as well, but fail miserably. One falls down and creams about needing another hip replacement, while another has a heart attack. Darth watches with a smile, then jumps to the next roof. He's lost them.]
[CUT TO the drive-in. Everyone in the encampment is asleep now, except for Beldaran, who's talking to his Grandad on the other side of the fence.]
Beldaran: Jesus Christ Grandad, look at this! It's WW2 all over again!
Grandad: Don't you lecture me about WW2, Billy! I killed more Japs than you've killed them whatsit zombie thingies on your computermabobs!
Beldaran: Well actually, that's pretty unlikely. I've played a lot of zombie games. But look, this has gone way too far! You seriously need to stop this now!
Grandad: Or what? What are you gonna do, Billy? Cry about it? Complain? You can't stop us, Billy-boy! No-one can!
[Beldaran's Grandad turns and leaves. Very slowly. Beldaran just rolls his eyes and sits down on the ground against the fence. He mumbles something about Dead Rising being a good game and settles down to sleep.
CUT TO rooftop. Darth is looking over the town with a futuristic pair of binoculars (even though they're actually from the past) when he spots something. Zoom in to his view - it's a Country Kitchen Buffet. Back to Darth - he's got an idea, but before he can take it any further, he hears something behind him. He turns round and sees AtmaWeapon pointing a gun at him]
AtmaWeapon: Don't move!
[Darth holds out his hand and the gun flies from AtmaWeapon. He catches it, unloads the clip, shoots the round in the chamber into the air and then tosses the gun back to AtmaWeapon.]
AtmaWeapon: Oh, hey Darth.
Darth: Hey. What are you doing up here?
AtmaWeapon: [Moves next to Darth] Evading the old guys. You know LightningZ tried to take them on by himself?
Darth: Really? How'd that work out?
AtmaWeapon: Ah, he charged in screaming about his 'l33t hakzor skillz' and stuff, but they shot him down before he even got close.
Darth: Sounds familiar. Did that stop him?
AtmaWeapon: Nope. Did it again half an hour later. Same thing happened again.
Darth: Heh. Bloody script kiddies. ...actually, we could use that.
AtmaWeapon: What, seriously? You are joking, right? LightningZ actually being useful?
Darth: Well, I've got an idea. Lemme show you. The old people have blockades here [He points to the south side of town, where a wall has been erected] and here He points to the west side, another wall]. The old ladies are keeping watch in towers around the perimeter, and the leaders along with Beldaran's Grandfather are most likely in the Mayor's office. Right?
AtmaWeapon: Yeah, sounds about right.
Darth: Now loath as I am to admit it, there's too many of them for me to go on another killing spree without at least getting blood on my shirt, which I really don't wanna do becasue I love this shirt. So our only solution is to cut off their life force.
AtmaWeapon: And how do we do that?
Darth: Simple. I sneak into town and shut down their food supply. [He points to one particular building and hands the binoculars over to AtmaWeapon, who looks through them.]
AtmaWeapon: Country Kitchen Buffet?
Darth: Yep. You take that place out, and old people won't know what to do.
AtmaWeapon: That's quite possibly the stupidest thing I've heard you say since 'I didn't like The Godfather'.
Darth: What? I honestly didn't care for it!
AtmaWeapon: How can you say that? It's a perfect movie!
Darth: That's what everyone always says, but I just can't...
AtmaWeapon: Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino... You never see - Robert Duvall, for Christ's sake!
Darth: I know, I know. Fine actors, I just did not like the movie.
AtmaWeapon: Well... why not?
Darth: Hmm?
AtmaWeapon: Why didn't you like it?
Darth: I just couldn't get into it.
AtmaWeapon: Ok, you gotta explain that. Why couldn't you get into it?
Darth: [Slight Pause]...it insists upon itself.
AtmaWeapon: What! It has a valid point to make! It's insistant by its very nature!
Darth: It... it takes forever getting in, you spend like six hours, and then... I just can't finish it. Never even seen the ending.
AtmaWeapon: You've never seen the ending?
Darth: Never seen the ending.
AtmaWeapon: Well how the hell can you say you didn't like it if you haven't even given it a chance?
Darth: Look, I have tried on THREE occasions. I get to the scene where the guys are in the easy chairs...
AtmaWeapon: I know the one, great scene.
Darth: It's not a great... I have absolutely no idea what they're saying! It's like they're speaking a whole different language! THAT'S where I zone out - I just completely loose interest at that point.
AtmaWeapon: They're speaking Italian! It's a language of subtlety, for the love of God!
Darth: I love Steven Seagal films. That is my answer to that statement.
AtmaWeapon: [Beat] Yeah, I like him too.
[The two are silent for a minute. After a while, Darth takes back the binoculars and scans the town again. He finds what he's looking for and turns back to AtmaWeapon.]
Darth: Ok. Looks like LightningZ is gearing up for another attack. Here's the plan. While the script kiddie is busy being blasted away by the old folks, we'll sneak into town. Since they'll all be distracted, it shouldn't be a big problem, but it'll probably be a good idea if we stick to the rooftops as much as possible.
AtmaWeapon: Yeah, that's pretty sensible.
Darth: While everyone's focused on the little brat being blown away, we need to sneak into the Mayor's office and steal some of the explosives the old people have stashed. Once we have them, we head for Country Kitchen Buffet and blow it up.
AtmaWeapon: ...or we could just lock it up from the inside.
[Darth looks straight at him. If looks could kill, there'd be nothing but a bloody carcass on the floor.]
AtmaWeapon: Fine, we'll blow it up. What is it with you and random destruction, anyway?
Darth: For the love of God, I'm a freakin' Sith Lord! Hopeless!
...I'm gonna grab a shower. The story continues afterwards...
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
Great read. At the rate you're going you might have more green rep than ST. I never thought anyone would end up with more than him.
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
See, I thought you'd be pissed that I killed you off, biggiy. Guess not...
[It's early morning, around 6:00. The old people have the run of the town, and they're bringing in heavier artillery. Beldaran's Grandad approaches Bill, a sightly puzzled look on his face.]
Bill: All right everyone, round up your ammunition and get ready to move! We're takin' this war further out!
AARP Members: Yeah! All right! Etc!
Grandad: Uh, Bill? I appreciate what the AARP is tryin' to do for us, but uh, all we want is our licenses back.
Bill: Huh?? Heck no! This is goin' too well.We're gonna take the whole country back. Wipe out everyone below the age of sixty five!
Grandad: Wipe 'em out?! What are you, senile?
Bill: Yep! Never stopped me before though! C'mon everyone! It's time to plan for Phase 2!
[The group make their way to Country Kitchen Buffet and enter through the front doors. Beldaran's Grandad stays behind, shaking his head in defeat. Pan across to see AtmaWeapon hiding in an alley watching the whole scene. Darth drops down from the roof nearby and joins him as Beldaran's Grandad enters the Buffet.]
AtmaWeapon: Darth! I thought you were gonna blow that place up!
Darth: Well I was gonna, but there were no explosives in the Mayor's office.
AtmaWeapon: None at all?
Darth: I know! And I was so looking forward to it as well.
AtmaWeapon: Well, damn! What are we gonna do now?
Darth: Ok, I've got another idea. But we're gonna need help.
[The two leave. At the drive-in, everyone is still asleep except for the two guards. Darth boldly walks up to them, and they point their guns at him. Darth reaches both hands out and the pair are lifted off their feet, their hands at their throats. Darth suddenly twists both hands and the pair fly into each other, knocking them both out cold. AtmaWeapon walks over to him.]
AtmaWeapon: Damn, man. I never knew you could do that.
Darth: Yeah, I don't do it very often. It gets old pretty quickly.
AtmaWeapon: ...right. Which guys did we need?
Darth: Ok, Amaster42 is pretty good, and I know The Cyborg can get us some supplies. See if you can track them down.
AtmaWeapon: Right.
[The two split up and start searching among the bodies. After a few minutes, Darth waves to AtmaWeapon, and Atma signals back. They've found the pair. Quietly they carry the two out and close the gates behind them. Some time later, they bring the two around. They're back outside Country Kitchen Buffet. The Cyborg wakes up first.]
The Cyborg: ...wha? What's going on?
Darth: Hey man. We need your help.
The Cyborg: Where am I?
AtmaWeapon: You're outside Country Kitchen Buffet. Listen - we've got a plan, but we need you and this guy's help.
Amaster42: Hmm?
Darth: Can we count on you guys?
The Cyborg: Yeah, sure. Whaddya need?
Darth: Concrete. And lots of it.
The Cyborg: Gotcha.
[The plan is afoot. The Cyborg dashes off to grab some concrete while the others explain Amaster42's role. He nods and sets off. Darth heads down with him while AtmaWeapon runs off to grab some tools. A quick montage reveals that the group are building something outside the Country Kitchen Buffet, but we don't know what it is. Some time later, just as they're finished doing whatever it is they're doing, the elderly start coming out of Country Kitchen Buffet.]
Bill: Right, and off we... what on earth is this?
[Cut to their POV. It's a giant ramp which slopes upwards. Darth's head suddenly pops up from the other, higher, side.]
Darth: Hi there! Have a good breakfast?
Bill: Huh?? You young whippersnaper! What is this?
Darth: This? Oh, we just built a bit of a ramp. Nothing you guys can't handle, right?
[Darth's head disappears. Several of the old folks try to walk up the ramp, but it's too steep and they keep falling back down. Various voices complain about breaking their hips again and so on. Bill looks on, aghast.]
Bill: Where did we leave the explosives?
AARP Member: Over by the cafe.
Darth: [From over the other side, quite faintly] Oh, god-dammit.
Bill: Well, we'll just have to tunnel our way out! C'mon!
AARP Member: Umm... I don't think we can... bend down that far.
Bill: Huh??
[On the other side, the guys are congratulating themselves.]
Darth: Well, that'll hold them for the moment, but we're gonna need something else to keep them at bay.
Amaster42: How about we dig a huge trench on the other side of the ramp? If they make it across, they'll fall into it. Done and dusted.
AtmaWeapon: They'll just climb on top of each other. It'll hold them minutes, at most.
Darth: Ok. I've got it. Quickly, to the cafe!
AtmaWeapon: Why, need a drink?
Darth: Yeah, my caffine deposit's running on empty. Now hurry up before I fall asleep for a year and become declared legally dead.
...more after I finish the ironing...
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
AHAHAHAHA, this is awesome! I love it!
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
ATMAWEAPON stands before LIGHTNINGZ in front of a gigantic pit. ATMAWEAPON draws his sword and holds it to LIGHTNINGZ'S throat
LIGHTNINGZ: what why u do this i prmised u glory why u no take it
ATMAWEAPON: Man use a spellchecker or something.
LIGHTNINGZ: i wrot one myself it is on my ligntngz website we have 10,000 clients dont shoot me this is madness
ATMAWEAPON: THIS... IS... SPARTAAAAAA!!!!
ATMAWEAPON delivers a solid kick to LIGHTNINGZ's chest and LIGHTNINGZ falls screaming into the hole and, I don't know toss some slow motion and stuff with some k-rad guitars with a kind of Arabic overtone (make sure to get some sitars)
SCENE 2
ATMAWEAPON and the rest of the MOBLIN KREW stand before the injured LIGHTNINGZ
LIGHTNINGZ: *grunt* ugh... the hackz of a thousand ghosts hackrs will disend upon AGN... our 1448 hax wil blot out the forems
ATMAWEAPON: (smiling) THEN WE SHALL POST INTO NOTEPAD!
I've got more but it's time to go play animal crossing I promise I'll finish (maybe) I have a lot of projects due tomorrow. Here is my analysis:
[X] Catchphrases
[X] Attacks on common enemies
[X] Complete lack of attention to the rest of the thread
[X] buttes
I win give me my prize!
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
AtmaWeapon
ATMAWEAPON stands before LIGHTNINGZ in front of a gigantic pit. ATMAWEAPON draws his sword and holds it to LIGHTNINGZ'S throat
LIGHTNINGZ: what why u do this i prmised u glory why u no take it
ATMAWEAPON: Man use a spellchecker or something.
LIGHTNINGZ: i wrot one myself it is on my ligntngz website we have 10,000 clients dont shoot me this is madness
ATMAWEAPON: THIS... IS... SPARTAAAAAA!!!!
ATMAWEAPON delivers a solid kick to LIGHTNINGZ's chest and LIGHTNINGZ falls screaming into the hole and, I don't know toss some slow motion and stuff with some k-rad guitars with a kind of Arabic overtone (make sure to get some sitars)
SCENE 2
ATMAWEAPON and the rest of the MOBLIN KREW stand before the injured LIGHTNINGZ
LIGHTNINGZ: *grunt* ugh... the hackz of a thousand ghosts hackrs will disend upon AGN... our 1448 hax wil blot out the forems
ATMAWEAPON: (smiling) THEN WE SHALL POST INTO NOTEPAD!
I've got more but it's time to go play animal crossing I promise I'll finish (maybe) I have a lot of projects due tomorrow. Here is my analysis:
[X] Catchphrases
[X] Attacks on common enemies
[X] Complete lack of attention to the rest of the thread
[X] buttes
I win give me my prize!
No prize until we dine in hell.
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
...and lo, I am unto a god upon thee, for with my parody/rip-off I shall smite the unworthy and the unfunny into the ground for all to laugh and spit upon, and the heavens shall part and thou shall become muddy and unclean as the very earth beneath you turns into the stuff of nightmares, and, y'know, stuff...
[The AGN cafe. The group are in chairs, taking a breath. Darth is on his third can of Red Bull. He finishes it and leans in close to the others.]
Darth: Ok. Here's what we do. First, we need to establish a better perimeter around the border we've already established. Once we've done that...
[Darth is interrupted by a large crash. He, and the others, get up and walk to the window of the cafe. From there, they can see that the old-timers are making their way across the slope that they have built.]
The Cyborg: Jesus Christ! How the hell did they get out so quickly?
[Cut to the inside of the barrier. Dozens of the old people are layed out across the slope to form a really gross form of steps, allowing the old people to make their way up. On the other side, Bill has landed and is directing the elderly towards the cafe. AtmaWeapon realises what they're after, and turns to look at the explosives inside the cafe.]
AtmaWeapon: The explosives! Christ, what are we gonna do?
Amaster42: There's a back door - quickly!
[The group head for the back door, Amaster42 leading. When they reach it, he throws it open, but alas! A whole bunch of oldies are there and they grab Amaster42, pulling him outside. Before they get a chance to get their hands on anyone else, Darth waves his hand and pulls the door closed with the Force, the showoff. Before the door closes, the others can see the elderly beating Amaster42 with their canes and suchforth. The group rush to the front of the cafe, but they see people out there, too. They're trapped.]
The Cyborg: Holy crap! They're everywhere! How'd they get there so fast? Oh God!
Darth: Ok. Ok. Let's see if we can talk with them. Reason our way out. [He yells through the window] CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS?
Bill: Huh?? No, you young skate-punk! You tried to block us in!
Darth: Oh come on! That was a prank! [The others snigger at this] Can't you take a joke?
Bill: Joke? 23 people died trying to climb that slope!
Darth: [To AtmaWeapon] 23? Not bad. [To Bill] What do you want from us?
Beldaran's Grandad: [Steps forward from the crowd] We want our licenses back!
Darth: Well, we can't really do anything about that from in here! Don't suppose any of you want a latte though? [The others snigger at this] Or a nice sandwich? We could do that... [More sniggering] or how about some soup? I'm fairly certain we've got some of that in here! [AtmaWeapon laughs out loud at this]
Bill: Dammit, you better take us seriously!
Darth: Or what? You'll start telling us about the good old days again? God only knows I can't get enough of that! [Starts inpersonating an elderly person] When I was your age, we didn't have these color TV sets... [AtmaWeapon laughs again]
Bill: Right! That's it! Take the window down!
[Suddenly bullets start firing and the window AtmaWeapon is standing next to is broken. Before he can move, old people start grabbing him and pulling him through it. Darth and The Cyborg run over to grab him, but they're too late - he's pulled through before they can get there. Darth uses the force to yank the counter up and places it in front of the window, blocking it, but the old timers start clawing through the holes and at the door.]
The Cyborg: Holy crap! We're dead! They're gonna kill us all!
Darth: The roof! C'mon, it's our only chance!
[The two make for the stairs as the elderly manage to break through the doors and head into the cafe. The two make it to the top of the starirs, but there's a door. The Cyborg tries it and finds it locked. Darth pushes him out of the way and ignites his lightsaber through the lock. He pushes the door open and makes it through, but The Cyborg is caught by the old people and is pulled down. Darth hurries through to one of the windows and climbs through before scaling the side of the building up to the roof. Once there he makes for the next one. Bill leans out of the window and shakes his fist up at him.]
Bill: You young scaliwag! You can't run forever!
...more when I can think of how to end this increasingly depressing and violent epic...
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
Aw, you mean it's going to end?
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
That particular storyline will probably end. But it doesn't mean another storyline can't be started up when that one ends. :)
There's only so much energy to our li'l Darthy. Give him time to recoup along and along... :)
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
...yeah, just the one more bit to this one. I've veered so far off the original South Park plot it's somewhat worrying, but I'll come up with something. Still, there are plenty of other shows to rip-off... sorry, parody.
[The drive-in, 6:45. Everyone is still asleep. CUT TO Darth, who's striking a dramatic pose on top of a building just as the sun's rising. It looks like a comic book cover. Suddenly Darth leaps off and lands on one of those tarpin covers. Rather then bounce off, it tears and he falls straight through, landing arkwardly on his arm. He moans in pain, gets up and quickly runs off, clutching his shoulder. Meanwhile, the old folks are forming in the center of town.]
Bill: Alright. If we're gonna do this, we'll have to do it quickly.
AARP Member: That'll be a problem.
Bill: Huh?? Well, as quickly as we can. First, we kill all the young people. Then, we move on to the next town!
AARP Members: Yeah! That's the ticket! We'll show them who's in charge! Etc!
Beldaran's Grandad: [Looking apalled] You're actually going to go through with this? You're... you're insane!
Bill: Don't you label me with that young person slander! We're taking back this country, with or without you! Now c'mon everyone! Let's move!
[The crowd start moving. Slowly. Beldaran's Grandad looks on, aghast, as they move. Zoom out to Darth, who's watching this from side street.]
Darth: Not in my town.
[He slinks back into the shadows. CUT TO the crowd, very slowly moving along towards the drive-in, where everyone is still asleep. The one at the very back is suddenly pulled into a side alley by Darth, who bonks her over the head with a nearby trashcan. After he bashes her, he grabs at his shoulder, obviously in pain. He probes it with his hand and after a minutes lets out an 'Ohh' of realisation, then yanks the shoulder forward suddenly. There's a loud pop as the bone pops back into its socket. He utters the word 'Mommy' quite pathetically before coming to his senses and moving on. CUT TO the drive-in. Bill has finally reached the compound and he eyes all the still-sleeping people inside. He grins maniacally.]
Bill: Ah yes, young hooligans. You'll never oppress us again. Come on folks! Let's show them what we're made off!
[He turns round, only to find that there's one elderly woman still there. He looks on in amazement.]
Bill: Wha... where's everyone else?
AARP Member: I... I don't know. They were right behind me a minute ago...
[Suddenly a brick comes flying from offscreen and conks her on the head. She falls down unconcious as Darth Marsden walks into the shot.]
Darth: It's over. Don't make me hurt you... much.
Bill: Huh?? You... did you take everyone out?
Darth: Well, it wasn't hard. You were moving so slowly I managed to finish off War and Peace in between knockouts. Dunno why it's got such a good rep, it's dull as hell, that book.
Bill: Well, I'm not going down without a fight! Put 'em up, you young scalliwag!
[He puts up his fists in an attempted manner to be imposing. Darth merely ignites his lightsaber and walks up to him. As he feebly throws a punch, Darth slices off his arm. It falls to the ground and the hand twitches into giving him the finger before dying. Darth looks up and smiles.]
Darth: Now stand aside, you old fool.
Bill: Huh?? 'Tis but a scratch.
Darth: A scratch? Your arm's off!
Bill: No, it isn't.
Darth: Well what's that then? [He points to the severed arm]
Bill: ...I've had worse.
Darth: Bollocks you have!
Bill: Come on, you young pansy!
[He throws his other arm at Darth, who slices it off just as easily. It too gives him the finger after it hits the floor.]
Darth: Hah! Victory is mine, old man.
Bill: Huh?? Come on, then. Have at you!
Darth: You what? Look, I'll give credit where it's due, but I've beaten you, ok?
Bill: Oh, had enough, eh?
Darth: Look you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!
Bill: Yes, I have.
Darth: Look at them! [He points to the pair lying on the ground]
Bill: Just a flesh wound. [He starts kicking Darth]
Darth: Stop that.
Bill: Oh, chicken, eh? [Keeps kicking Darth] Chicken!
Darth: If you don't pack that in I'll lop your leg off.
[Bill kicks Darth again and so off it comes. It lands on the floor next to the left arm. Darth turns the lightsaber off - it's clearly over.]
Bill: Right! I'll do you for that!
Darth: What are you gonna do, bleed on me?
Bill: Huh?? Ooo, you young hippie, I'll tear you to pieces, just like I did in Nam!
[Bill hops over to Darth and butts him with his head. Darth can't quite believe this and is about to walk away when Bill headbutts him again. Irritated he turns the lightsaber on again and slices off Bill's remaining leg. He falls to the ground, somehow managing to stay upright. Bill looks over his limbs now lying on the ground.]
Bill: Alright, we'll call it a draw.
Darth: ...whatever. [He starts walking past Bill towards the drive-in]
Bill: Oh... oh, I see! Running away, eh? You yellow-livered coward! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!
Darth: [Now in the distance] Shut up!
[Some time later. The Army is milling around the area, picking up the pensioners that Darth had taken out. They pass by in the background during the rest of this scene, and are decorated in a variety of items - one is trapped in the middle of a flower garden, another has a vase rammed over their head, a third is forced to hop as their legs have been tied together with a garden hose, that sort of thing. The officer from before walks over to Darth, talking into a walkie-talkie as he does so.]
Officer: All right everyone, area secure. Collect their weapons and free the hostages. [He lowers the walkie-talkie] Well, good work Darth. You may very well have saved this entire country.
Beldaran: Walks into shot along with PrrKitty, Lilith and Elise, rubbing his eyes as if he's just woken up]Whoa-ho-ho-ooh, what happened? Is it over?
Officer: Everything is fine. Control of the town is back to you folks.
Soldier: [Escorting Beldaran's Grandad up to the group] What do you want to do with this one, sir?
Officer: Well, I guess that's up to the townsfolk.
Beldaran: Well, I think he learned his lesson. Huh? Don't you feel silly now, Grandad? I think somebody owes us all an apology. Yes he does.
Elise: Oh, stop it! This was partly your fault!
Beldaran: Huh??
Lilith: She's right, Beldaran. All your grandfather wants is not to be talked to like a child. I think half of what he was angry about wasn't what you were doing, but how you were doing it.
Grandad: Yeah, that's right.
PrrKitty: And you should be proud that you made it through life to be a senior, but you should also realize that, when you're behind the wheel, you're a killing machine.
Grandad: ...I know. I guess sometimes us seniors need to know when to stop driving so we don't put the responsibility on our families.
Beldaran: Well, I think this has been a real learning experience for us all. People died, but we all grew a bit. Let's just go home.
Grandad: Sure. I'll drive.
Beldaran: [Laughs] That's my Grandad. [Walks off with his grandfather]
Darth: [Beat] I hate this town sometimes. I really do.
END
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
That was good.
Where's the next one?:D
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
Darthy, keep those going. I think I've almost died laughing. Almost. :kitty:
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
mrz84
Darthy, keep those going. I think I've almost died laughing. Almost. :kitty:
Hmmm... Darthy, dear, honey, sweetie... looks like my nick for you stuck ;) <smirk>
*kiss*
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
Dang, nice parody of Monty Python, there at the end. :D I would have laughed so much harder if I hadn't already seen it.
But, dang. I want this to go on the big screen! http://smilies.vidahost.com/cwm/3dlil/lurk.gif
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
Glad you guys liked it so much. I can't think of any more at the moment, but I'll start another one when I do.
EDIT: Ha!
[Town, day. Darth Marsden, Aegix Dragon, Breaker and Cloral are walking down the street. Darth is reading one of those '1001 things you never knew' books]
Darth: Hey guys, did you know that you crap your pants when you die?
Breaker: What?
Darth: Yeah, it says here that when you die your bowels release and you basically crap yourself. Gross, huh?
Cloral: That's stupid and you know it.
Darth: It says it right here! [He places the book in front of Cloral, who shoves it away] Bet you 5 bucks it's true.
Cloral: No way, man. You still owe me 10 from the last bet you made.
[CUT TO the AGN cafe. Darth and Cloral are standing next to the Pool table, watching Daarkseid and Riverman play a game. Darth turns to Cloral.]
Darth: Bet you 10 bucks Daarkseid wins.
[Cut back to the street.]
Darth: You only won that 'cause you whacked Daarkseid over the head with a Pool Cue!
Starkist: [Running past] Hey everybody, it's time! It's time!
Aegix Dragon: Time for what?
Starkist: Get to where General Bitching used to be! It's about to happen!
[The gang look at each other and shrug their shoulders. They all follow Starkist over to where General Bitching used to be. There's some sort of building, but we can't see what it is. There's a large crowd around the place, with an official looking man addressing them.]
Official: People of AGN, I am pleased to be with you on this most historic day. A day you were certainly all remember... as the day your town... became great. The grand opening of the first AGN... WALL*MART!
[The camera zooms out to show the full scope of the store - it's massive. Everyone applauds and cheers]
erm2003: It's so... big!
Saffith: It's like we're a real town now. [The group finally arrive]
Darth: Finally, somewhere to pick up cheap Root Beer!
Cloral: Wait... isn't this where Bitchin' Pond used to be? Where we went swimming in the summer and stuff?
phanttonez: Yeah, but now it's a Wall*Mart!
Official: I know that with the opening of the AGN branch of Wall*Mart, you will all see your town completely change... Now shop friends, shop!
[The doors open and everyone streams in. Inside they find a spacious store, filled with almost everything you could imagine.]
gdorf: [Falling to his knees] It's beautiful!
[Cut to various shots of people grabbing various things - salt and peppers shakers, plastic plates, TV sets, blow-up dolls (Quagmire grabs one and runs off shot), and, finally, DVDs, where the gang is at. Darth is using the force to levitate about a dozen cases of Root Beer behind him, while Cloral has a basket full of groceries.]
Breaker: Check it out, guys! Time Cop on DVD. Three copies for eighteen bucks!
Aegix Dragon: Why the hell would you want three copies of the same movie?
Breaker: Because one copy is nine ninety-eight! But this way you save like twenty bucks!
Aegix Dragon: You only need one copy, artard!
Breaker: Okay, fine. YOU go ahead and buy one copy for nine ninety-eight!
Aegix Dragon: Okay, fine, I will! [He grabs a copy] Hey, wait a minute! I don't even want ONE copy of Time Cop! [He puts it back]
Breaker: ...neither do I. [Puts the three-pack back] What's this place doing to us?
[CUT TO an office window which looks over the store. The offical is in there, an evil look on his face.]
Official: Fools. Ignorant fools.
[Breaker's house, that night. Breaker is dreaming, and is tossing and turning, reacting to his dreams. We hear what he hears - whispered voices saying things like Six Ninety-Nine, Fifteen Dollars, Twelve Fifty, etc. With a start, Breaker wakes. He looks at the window, then crawl out of bed and stands before it. We can see the Wall*Mart, all glowing, like a beacon. He nods. CUT TO the Wall*Mart store. Breaker, in a dressing gown, enters, only to find more shoppers in there. Wall*Mart never closes, and it's never empty. A helper welcomes him, and this snaps him out of the trance. He realises where he is, panics and runs back out again.]
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
Y'know, this reminds me of this thing we had in a forum that I went to a few years ago. It was a fic just like this, using the names of the members, and everyone could join in and add to the story. It was pretty fun.
Pero... ¡Gran novela! ¡Yo lo adoro! Es demasiado malo que tiene que terminar... Creo que sabemos quién ganará.
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
...a sort of quest, y'mean? I had one of those in my old forum as well. I used to visit it during school and find that no-one had updated it, and I'd get irritated. This is much more fun.
[The next morning, the gang are walking towards downtown.]
Cloral: Look, would you mind explaining why we're going to Jim's Drugs to buy paracetamol when Wall*Mart has them for half the price?
Breaker: I... I can't deal with Wall*Mart right now. There's eomething... wrong with that place. [/B][They pass by Riverman, closing up his shop for the last time][/B]
Riverman: Oh, hey guys. Hope you didn't wanna buy anything, I'm going out of business.
Breaker: What? Why, Riverman?
Riverman: Well, I can't compete with Wall*Mart's low prices. Everyone's shopping there now, and... well, I can't make ends meet. [Darth pulls out a violin from his leather coat and starts playing it] I've got to sell the store and try to find some other line of work.
Breaker: [Glares at Darth] Knock it off, man!
Darth: What? Just felt like playing a little violin, is all.
Riverman: Look, I appreciate your business guys, but you'll just have to try somewhere else in town. Sorry. [He locks the door and walks away, sullen.]
Breaker: Damn, that sucks! He's had that store forever!
Cloral: That's called progress, Breaker.
Breaker: Yeah, but what about all the people getting laid off from the grocery stores? [Darth whips out the violin and starts playing it again] And what about all the- [Looks at Darth, takes away his violin, and smashes it on the ground]
Darth: Well, that was 5 bucks well spent.
Aegix Dragon: Come on, let's go to Main Street and support one of those stores.
[Downtown, later. The guys arrive at Main Street and are startled by what they see. Before them is a downtown that is shuttered and decayed. The asphalt is gone from the roads and eagles hover over the area. A window crashing makes them jump, and Mottzilla appears around a corner, making weird noises.]
Breaker: Mottzilla? What the hell are you doing?
Mottzilla: Huh? Oh, I'm just playing monster. It's pretty weird out here, thought I'd have some fun.
Darth: Yeah. It's even better if you can get a monster truck and just drive it up and down the streets. Monster mash! [He puts both hands in the air in that weird way with only the little and the index fingers up. The others just look at him, and he puts his hands back down] What? It's fun.
Aegix Dragon: We'd better tell the others what's happening down here.
[The AGN Cafe. The gang walk in only to find the place filled with items from Wall*Mart.]
Cloral: Hello? Anyone?
[A wail is heard from behind the stuff. Darth climbs over and finds Moocow lying against a box of crackers. Her face is covered with what look like glittery sores.]
Moocow: Darth? Is that... you?
Darth: Yeah, it's me. Guys, get over here!
Breaker: [Climbing over] Moocow? Jesus, what happened? Are you okay?
Moocow: Yeah... I'm just... really really tired. I... was shopping at Wall*Mart all night...
Aegix Dragon: But... your face!
Moocow: Checkout line... They had these... little stickers filled with glitter! They were only ninety nine cents for 15 of them. I couldn't resist! Do you want one? [She takes one and sticks it onto Darth's nose] It's a... turtle... [She falls over, asleep]
[Some time later, still in the AGN cafe. Most of the members are crammed in, and War Lord is addressing them all.]
War Lord: Ok. I think we're all agreed here that this has gone far enough, right?
Crowd: Yeah!
War Lord: Wall*Mart is destroying this place. You've seen the old hangouts - gone to dust because we never went there anymore.
Crowd: Damn straight!
War Lord: And to make matters worse, Mottzilla reports that Script Kiddies are starting to move in!
Crowd: What? Oh my God!
War Lord: Now I'm gonna march over to that store and demand that they leave! Are you with me?
Crowd: Yeah!
[War Lord walks out the door and everyone follows him. CUT TO the Wall*Mart store. War Lord is outside, and he turns to the group. The crowd, now carrying torches and pitchforks, look back at him. War Lord shakes his head.]
War Lord: God dammit, how many times do I have to tell you - we are not a mob!
[Various 'sorrys' are heard as the torches are extinguished and the pitchforks are passed to the side. Once done, they march into the store. In his office, the official, now store manager, reaches into his desk drawer and pulls out a bottle of liquor. He takes two sips and quickly hides it when he hears a knock at his door.]
Manager: Come in? [The crowd enter] Oh, hello fine shoppers. What can I do for you?
War Lord: Look. It's nothing personal, but we've decided we don't want your Wall*Mart here anymore.
Drunken Tiger: Yeah. it seems our old haunts is dying and good people are losing their jobs. We'd all like you... out of AGN.
Manager: Well... [He begins to cackle nervously] What? What, you think I want to be here? I hate this place. But it... won't let me leave.
mrz84: But you run the Wall*Mart.
Manager: Oh no! No no no! [He rises from his chair and moves towards the group] Wall*Mart... isn't run by anybody! First it reels you in with its bargains. Next thing you know you, you're workingbe at the Wall*Mart because it has all the jobs. Then you're sitting in a little office, trapped on all sides! Oh God!
Breaker: So why don't you just quit?
Manager: [Whispering loudly] Not so loud! It can hear you!
Breaker: You hate Wall*Mart too?
Manager: ACK! I didn't say that! I love Wall*Mart! With all its... fantastic bargains and one-stop shopping, who can't love it, right? [He turns around and grabs some papers] Uh, Wa-Wall*Mart takes the hassle out of shopping and, and makes it both affordable and fun. [He writes as he talks, then shows the group what he wrote: "NOT SAFE TO TALK HERE."] Ah- and Wall*Mart really gives back to the community! Us people are certainly happy to have a store like Wall*Mart, aren't we? [Writes some more and shows the group a second sheet: "MEET ME OUT BACK IN 5 MINS." He grimaces and tries to hint at them. The group leaves.]
erm2003: Hey, wait a minute, I think we just got screwed over.
Saffith: Yeah. That guy probably thinks he can get us to go away by being so goofy!
[Saffith circles his finger round his ear to indicate insanity. Seconds later the manager screams and flies out the window, only to end up hanging himself. The group looks on as the manager's pants drop off and poo follows shortly]
Darth: Ha! Told ya.
Cloral: God dammit.
...more to come...
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
LMFAO! Keep em coming. I haven't read through a thread like this in quite a long time.
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
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Re: Gather around, bitches.
...I have been commanded!
[The AGN cafe, late evening. Aegix Dragon, Breaker and Cloral are sitting round a table while Darth is off in a corner, reading his book. Dechipher come in carrying three steaks and places them on the table.]
Cloral: [Sighs] I remember when we could afford to buy six steaks when we shopped at Wall*Mart.
Breaker: Yeah, but everyone agreed not to shop at Wall*Mart anymore.
Cloral: Gah! I know already! Leave me alone!
[The group starts eating their steaks. Very slowly. They're obviously used to having more than this. Aegix Dragon cuts his in half, then puts the halves on opposite sides of his plate before starting on one of them. While Cloral is trying to cut his, he slips and knocks his drink off the table. It hits the floor and breaks.]
Cloral: Oh Jesus, a broken glass! Well, I don't see any choice now! We have to go to Wall*Mart!
Darth: [Looks over] We do?
Cloral: Well where else are we gonna get a new glass at this hour?! Everyone get your coats on, we're goin' to Wall*Mart!
Dechipher: Actually, it's Ok, we've plenty more-
Cloral: Dammit, one person buying one glass isn't gonna make a difference! Now c'mon!
[CUT TO the Wall*Mart. The four arrive and see that the store is full of people. Cloral looks on in disbelief.]
Cloral: What the... [Moocow walks nearby] Moocow, what the hell are you doing? We said we weren't going to shop at the Wall*Mart anymore!
Moocow: Well where else was I gonna get a napkin dispenser at nine thirty at night?
Cloral: [Recognising others] Daarkseid! Drunken Tiger! Starkist! Now, come on people! What the hell is wrong with you?! Don't you see what you're all doing?!
phattonez:Well what are you doing here, Cloral?
Cloral: ...I came because I wanted to make sure nobody was shopping here.
Breaker: Dammit Cloral!
Cloral: Oh all right... eh, maybe I was gonna buy a glass. One glass! ... and some chips... And butter. [He pulls out a shopping list] And some new pliers.
Glenn the Great: Jesus! Look at us! We all don't like the Wall*Mart, but we can't stop coming here.
Anthony: It's like some mystical evil force.
Cloral: Yeah! This place has a power over us we can't resist! We have to find a way to put the South Park Wall*Mart out of business once and for all!
goKi: Let's burn it down!
The Cyborg:No no no, let's freeze it.
Jennifer: I think it's best we try to reason with it.
Breaker: No! All we have to do is not shop at Wall*Mart anymore! If you want it to go away, all it takes is a little self-control and personal responsibility.
[10 minutes later, the Wall*Mart is on fire and the shoppers are watching it burn from the outside. They all hold hands and start singing Kumbaya. CUT TO the guys walking down the road the next day]
Cloral: Well, good going, man. You just had to go and ruin everything, didn't you?
Breaker: Me? [Looks at Cloral] It wasn't MY idea to burn the Wall*Mart down.
Cloral: No, but YOU got everyone all worked up! You're jealous of the Wall*Mart. You always hated it.
Breaker: Look, this place is going to be better without the- [Breaker suddenly realizes that he can hear sounds of construction. He turns to look] What the hell?
[The gang rush onward and see the the Wall*Mart has been completely rebuilt. Dashing inside, they see that everything's running as if nothing had happened the night before. Breaker sees Vel and runs over to her.]
Breaker: What the hell is this? Why are you shopping here?
Vel: We can't destroy it. We just... have to learn to live with it.
Voice from behind:Can I help you?
[The guys turn round to see who's speaking to them and are shocked to see that it's War Lord, all dressed up in Wall*Mart employee clothing and complete with one of those irritating badges that says 'Hello My name is WAR LORD']
Aegix Dragon: War Lord? What are you doing?!
War Lord: You get a discount working here. Ten percent. That means the bargains are even better.
Darth: But you're a rapper!
War Lord: Yeah, they don't discriminate against us here.
Breaker: Wait - what?
War Lord: I'll make less money, sure, but... as long as I buy everything at Wall-Mart, it'll all even out. Don't you see? Wall*Mart isn't our enemy, it's our neighborhood friend. [As he says this, he gets out a pad of paper and writes on it. He shows it to the group - it reads 'Break in 5 minutes. Meet me outside'. The gang nod and walk back to the entrance, where they see a driver lifting I-beams into place with his crane]
Breaker: Hey! HEY! [The driver looks at him] Who the hell told you to put this thing back up?!
Driver: Sorry kid, we've got orders from corporate headquarters.
Breaker: But nobody wants a Wall*Mart here!
Driver: Well, you're gonna have to talk to the higher-ups about that. My hands are tied.
Aegix Dragon: Where are they?
Driver: Bentonville, Arkansas. That's where Wall*Mart started, that's where all the bigwigs are. [He drives away as War Lord emerges, presumably on his break.]
War Lord: Hey guys.
Breaker: War Lord! We've got to stop this!
War Lord: Look, I'm with you. I hate it here, but I just couldn't resist, y'know?
Darth: ...not really.
War Lord: ...huh. Whatever, that's not the worst of it. Y'know those script kiddies I mentioned?
Aegix Dragon: Yeah?
War Lord: Mottzilla's doing recon at the moment, but the last report I got from him indicated there were almost a hundered of them in the old hangouts.
Darth: Jesus Christ! That many?
War Lord: I last heard from him 2 days ago... it's probably twice that, if not more.
Aegix Dragon: Holy crap! What the hell are we gonna do?
Breaker: Ok. We need to stop Wall*Mart AND we need to get rid of these script kiddies. We're gonna need to split up. Me, Aegix Dragon and Cloral will go to Bentonville and try to shut down Wall*Mart. Darth, you think you can handle the script kiddies?
Darth: Hell yeah!
Breaker: Alright. Then let's get going. We'll see you later Darth. Good hunting.
[War Lord goes back inside the store and Darth heads off towards the old haunts where the script kiddies now reside while the others head over to the bus station. Suddenly Cloral freezes in place.]
Cloral: Whoa, Pixie Sticks, twenty-nine cents? [He starts to hears sounds] Wall*Mart? ...Are you speaking to me? ...My friends? ...Trying to hurt you again? [Frowns in anger] Yes, Wall*Mart. I understand. [With a look of determination, he follows after the others]
...bum-bum-bummmmmm! More soon...