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The Ultimate Joke Thread
Just an idea, but since we get so many jokes told around here, why not put them all in one thread?
I'll start with a bunch you might enjoy.
-X-
A vicar is walking along a riverbank when he sees Frank, one of his congregation, loading his rod and tackle into his boat. 'Fancy a quick go, Vicar?' he asks.
'I can't today', comes the reply, 'I've got the Archbishop coming for lunch'.
But sure enough, 5 minutes later the pair are out in the water fishing. Suddenly, Frank gets a massive bite and he and the vicar spend the next half-hour wrestling the thing aboard. 'Look at the size of that fucker!' says Frank when the monster finally lies defeated on the boat.
'Frank', tuts the vicar, 'it really is a prize specimen but the use of such language is unforgivable!'
'You don't understand Vicar,' says Frank, thinking fast. 'This fish really is called a Fucker. Er... why don't you take it home for the Archbishop's lunch?'
The vicar accepts and offers his thanks, and so 15 minutes later he returns to the vicarage and smacks the fish down onto the table. 'Look at the size of this Fucker!' he exclaims to his housekeeper.
She's shocked. 'A fine fish it is, but I can't believe you'd use such language in the vicarage!' The vicar explains that it's the name of the fish as he cleans the thing up, and so, slightly happier, she takes the fish from the vicar and takes it to the kitchen to cook.
Soon the Archbishop arrives and sits down to lunch with the vicar. In comes the housekeeper with the cooked fish, and the Archbishop remarks at its size. 'Oh', says the housekeeper, 'well, Frank caught the Fucker, the vicar cleaned the Fucker up and I cooked the Fucker for your lunch!'. The Archbishop beams, kicks off his shoes and starts rolling up a joint. 'You know', he says, 'you bastards are all right.'
-X-
A man walks into a bar ('Ouch!') and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses on the bar and fills them all with Scotch. Quickly the man downs them one after the other until he's gotten through all 12.
'So', says the bartender, 'what are you celebrating?'
'My first blow job', says the man.
'Well then, let me buy you one more!' the bartender smiles.
'Nah, thanks', says the man. 'If 12 doesn't get rid of the taste, nothing will.'
-X-
Standing at a urinal, one man turns to the guy next to him. 'Excuse me', he says, 'but I couldn't help noticing you've been circumcised.'
'Er, yes', says the other man, somewhat baffled. 'I am Jewish'.
'And your surgeon was Dr Abraham Winklehock, right?'
The second man is amazed. 'Yes! But how on earth did you know? It was over 30 years ago!'
'Bastard never could cut straight,' says the first man. 'You're pissing on my shoe.'
-X-
A man isn't getting on very well with his wife, and thinks that getting a pet that they can both care for will help. After mooching around the pet store he suddenly spots a parrot on a small perch. It doesn't have any legs, and thinking out loud, the man mutters 'Huh. Wonder what happened to you, little guy.'
To his surprise, the parrot responds 'It was a birth defect.'
The man is amazed. 'You understand me?'
'Every word', the parrot replies. 'I'm a highly intellegent and thoroughly educated bird.'
'Okay', says the man. 'But... how do you hang onto your perch?'
Somewhat embarrassed, the parrot replies 'Well, you can't see it for my feathers, but... I use my penis as a sort of... well, hook'.
The man is amazed, and after a few minutes chatting realises that the bird is more educated and friendly then some of his friends. Making his mind up, he looks at the price tag, only to see to his dismay that it reads £200. The parrot notices his concern and motions the guy closer with his wing. 'Look mate. The owner's desperate to get rid of me, cause of my... condition. Just make an offer, he'll take it.'
So the man makes an offer of £20 and, sure enough, he walks out of the store with the parrot. Weeks go by and the bird is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathises, gives good advice and he even helps the man and his wife get closer again. The man is delighted - until one day, when he comes home from work and is beckoned over by his multicoloured friend.
'Look mate, I feel awful about this, but I think you ought to know about your wife', he wispers to the man. 'See, the postman came to the door this morning and... well, she was waiting for him in that sexy nightie you bought her last Christmas.'
The man is shocked, and presses him for more information. 'Well, they started kissing and the postman... well, he lifted up the nightie and started rubbing her breasts.'
'Ah no!' exclaims the man. 'What happened then?'
'He... he tooks her nightie off and started kissing her breasts... then he started moving down and...'
The parrot pauses. 'Then what? What happened next?' says the man frantically.
'I don't know', says the parrot, sheepishly. 'That's when I fell off my perch.'
-X-
A little blind girl goes up to her mum. 'Mummy', she says, 'when will I be able to see?'
Smiling kindly, her mum replies 'I'll tell you what. I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes. You should be able to see tomorrow morning.'
With the little girl jumping excitedly, the two head out into town. They return with the cream and that evening, the mother rubs the balm onto her little girl's eyes. 'Aah, Mummy!' cries the girl. 'It stings!'
'Be brave' consoles her mother, and wraps her head in bandages before putting her to bed. The next morning the little girl tumbles into her mum's bedroom. 'Quick Mummy', she says, 'take off the bandage!' And so, slowly, the mother peels off the bandages while her daughter braces herself for the big moment. 'But Mummy' says the girl once the final bandage is removed, 'I still can't see.'
Her mother smiles sympathetically. 'Yes dear' she replies, 'April Fool.'
-X-
Ted's a bus conductor, until one fateful morning when he tells the bus driver to pull away as a frail old lady is boarding. Tragically she's killed. Ted is convicted of manslaughter and, residing in Texas, faces death by electric chair. 'Any last requests?' asks the executioner.
'Well', says Ted, 'I see you've an unripe banana there. Mind if I have it?'
The executioner agress, Ted polishes off the fruit and the switch is flipped - but when the smoke clears Ted is still very much alive. Not sure what else to do, the authorities set him free and before long ted is back on the buses... then disaster. The same accident befalls another commuter. Ted is once more sent to the chair, once more gobbles down an unripe banana and once more survives.
He returns to society again, but tragedy! Three children are pulled under the bus and it's back to the chair. Come last request time the executioner produces an unripe banana and a few minutes later, Ted's ready. The switch is thrown, all the prison lights go out... and there's Ted, fit as a fiddle.
'Why won't you DIE?' screams the executioner. 'It's that fucking banana, isn't it!'
'No', wimpers Ted. 'I'm just a really bad conductor.'
-X-
Let's keep 'em coming!
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Thanks Darth! A specific thread for jokes! Awesome!:thumbsup:
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
... "-X-" ...
An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
-X-
Things you don't want to hear when lying on the operating table
What's this doing here?
Okay, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
I didn't hear anything in med school about small, hissing reptilian creatures crawling through the patient's stomach.
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
-X-
Lessons From Hollywood
1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one.
2. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit of a woman, but only the waist of the man lying beside her.
4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to over-ride the communications system of any invading alien society.
6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least half an hour to escape.
8. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the
right wire.
14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
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A Gorilla In A Bar
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini. Bartender has never seen a gorilla in the bar, doesn't know what to do so he goes to the back to ask his boss.
Boss says, "Go ahead and serve him. But overcharge him - gorillas aren't too smart."
Bartender goes back to the bar, serves the gorilla a martini. Gorilla pays with a ten dollar note, and bartender gives him one dollar back in change.
Bartender is really curious. "You know," he says, "we don't get many gorillas in here."
"No wonder," says the gorilla, "with these prices!"
-X-
Backfiring Tricks
Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.
The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes."
-X-
(One of my favorites. :p You really have to imagine this.)
First Time Cab Driver
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
-X-
And my all time favorite:
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh My God-Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!" I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.
So he started running along beside the others about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective!
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and drive my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only if it's raining."
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Here's a good one for you guys!
3 guys die and go to heaven.
They are all standing in front of St. Peter waiting for passage.
St. Peter turns to them and speaks.
"Welcome gentlemen, to Heaven. Before I let you pass, I need to figure out what kind of vehicle you will ride around with in heaven. Now, this vehicle is decided by how faithful you were to your spouse. I remind you, I will now if you are lying, so tell the truth."
The man begins to sweat.
He steps up and St. Peter askes him, "What's your story Miles?"
Miles wipes the sweat from his forehead and replies,"Well you see, uh, I didn't really much like my wife. I, uh, don't think you will have anything shiney for me, uh. But, to be honest, I, uh, always messed around, with anyone that would let me."
St. Peter shakes his head and replies,"Although I admire your honesty for admitting your unfaithfulness, I still have no choice but to give you this...", he points to a red bicycle. "Hope you enjoy this more than you did your spouse."
He grabs it and rides it on in.
The second guy steps up and St. Peter asks him, "What's your story Bob?"
Bob replies, "Well, I wasn't as good as the other guy. I messed around a little."
"What's a little?", asked St. Peter.
"About 5 or 6 times. But we were married for a long time."
St. Peter replied,"Well Bob, I see that you had a long relationship and weren't totally unfaithful and thus are awarded this...", then points to an orange motor scooter. "Have fun."
The next guy steps up and St. Peter asks him, "What's your story Gerry?"
Gerry replies,"Well, sir. I was the greatest husband of all! I never did anything unfaithful to my wife. I was very good."
St. Peter then replied,"I see this to be true. And because of your faith you will be rewarded with this....", then points to a red mustang convertable. "Enjoy!"
He then takes of with his new car.
Now, about 3 weeks down the road, Bob still has his scooter and obviously Miles has ditched the bike. They were both on Bob's scooter riding down a road and come by Gerry.
They see him sitting on his bumper crying his eyes out. They go up to him and ask,"What's wrong Gerry? You got this great car, lots of women chasing you around, what could be wrong?"
He looks up with tears in his eyes and answers, "I just saw my wife go by on a SKATEBOARD!"
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Some quickies:
Why did the woman cross the road?
Sod that - what the hell is she doing out of the kitchen?
What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
Two bullets.
How do you confuse a dickhead?
Fourty-Two.
What type of bees produce milk?
Boobees!
How do you kill an entire circus at once?
Go for the Jugguler.
What do you call a lesbian with big fingers?
Well hung.
What's grey, sits and the end of your bed and takes the piss?
A dialysis machine.
What have Kermit the From and Henry the VIII got in common?
Their middle name.
Where would you find a duck with no legs?
Where you left it.
What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?
Popeye kicked the shit out of him.
What do blondes use for protection during sex?
Bus shelters.
What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
What's long, thin and smells of piss?
Pensioners doing the conga.
What's the difference between your penis and your bonus?
Your wife will always blow your bonus.
What's pink and hangs out your pants?
Your mum.
Why was the blonde sacked from the sperm bank?
She was caught drinking on the job.
What did the Buddhist say to the hotdog seller?
Make me one with everything.
How do you make a bear cross?
Nail two of them together.
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
A woman is currently having an affair. One day, her husband comes home earl from work. The woman then tells her boy friend to hide. So he does. When the husband gets home, he sees his wife naked and immediately knows that she was having sex with another man. He looks every where but doesn't find him. He then walks over to the balcony and looks down. On the floor below, there is a man hanging on the railing. The husband then pushes the fridge over the edge and it lands on the man hanging below. Then the wife then comes up behind the man and pushes him out the window.
Up in heaven the husband and the man are at the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the husband how he died. The husband replies "I was pushed out a window". St. Peter lets him through the gates. The next man comes up. St. Peter askes hm how he dies. He replies "I was excersizing on the balcony and slipped off and fell a few floors. I then caught hold of the railing of the balcony when suddenly a crazed maniac drops a fridge on me." St. Peter lets him in. Then a third guy comes up and St. Peter gives him the same question. "Well, I was sitting in a refridgerator naked..."
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Two men were playing golf when, during their round, they saw two women playing at the hole in front of them. Not only were these women absolutely terrible golfers - they kept slicing the ball, missing their shots, the whole works - but they didn't wave the men through, as golf ettiquete dictates.
After waiting a full half-hour, one of the men has had enough. 'That's it! I'm gonna give them a piece of my mind!' he says, and storms over towards the women. Halfway over though, he stops, turns back and returns to the other man.
'I can't do it! That's my wife AND my lover!' he says, shocked. The other man gives him a sympathetic look and walks over to the women, but he too stops and returns. Rather sheepishly, he says 'It's a small world, isn't it?'
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, Tony replied, "That's me before the operation."
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Quote:
Originally Posted by Darth Marsden
Two men were playing golf when, during their round, they saw two women playing at the hole in front of them. Not only were these women absolutely terrible golfers - they kept slicing the ball, missing their shots, the whole works - but they didn't wave the men through, as golf ettiquete dictates.
After waiting a full half-hour, one of the men has had enough. 'That's it! I'm gonna give them a piece of my mind!' he says, and storms over towards the women. Halfway over though, he stops, turns back and returns to the other man.
'I can't do it! That's my wife AND my lover!' he says, shocked. The other man gives him a sympathetic look and walks over to the women, but he too stops and returns. Rather sheepishly, he says 'It's a small world, isn't it?'
God! Imagine the foursome these people could have! WOW!
An indian walks into a brothel and walks upi to the pimp and states
"Me horney. Me want woman now!"
The pimp takes his money and directs him to room on the balcony.
The man goes up and disappears in a room.
About 10 minutes later there is loud screaming coming from that room.
The pimp runs up and swings the door open to find the women screaming at the indian.
"Dude! What the hell are you doing?" He yells "Leave and come back when you know what you're doing!"
He does so and the next night he returns and says
"Me ready. Me want woman!"
The pimp says
"Are you sure?"
"Yes" he says.
He then sends him upstairs again.
15 minutes later comes another scream.
Again the pimp runs up to find the same thing.
"Dude! You still don't know what you're doing. Leave and go practice on tree for about a week and then come back."
He does so.
About 3 weeks later the man returns.
"Me definately ready now."
"Are you sure this time?" asks the pimp.
"Yes. Me ready!"
He takes his money and sends him up.
About 2 minutes later comes the loudest scream the pimp has ever heard.
He runs up the steps and swing open the door to find the man jamming a broom stick into the women.
"Dude! What the F*** are you doing?"
The man looks up and replies
"Me check for bees!"
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
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A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!" says the husband, "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
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There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."
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"The Related Sale" was the subject of a pep talk given recently by the manager of a certain super-drug store.
"For instance, if a customer wants razor blades," he told employees, "ask him how he's fixed for shaving cream and after-shave lotion. That way you can turn a small sale into a bigger one and make more commission."
The youngest clerk was very impressed with the talk and was eager to try the technique on his very next customer. This turned out to be a rather embarrassed gentleman who shyly requested a box of Kotex for his wife.
Ten minutes later, the manager of the store was amazed to see The customer staggering out loaded down with assorted fishing equipment, tackle, nets, boots and a one-man inflatable life raft.
"What happened?!" The manager gasped, and the clerk modestly attributed his success to "The Related Sale."
"Related Sale!" Exclaimed the manager. "But all he wanted was a box of Kotex."
"I know," said the clerk. "So I said, 'Look, mister, there isn't going to be much doing around your house this weekend. Why don't you take a fishing trip?'"
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A Kindergarten teacher was giving a lesson to her pupils, and she asked them, "Ok, if three birds are sitting on a fence, and I shoot one, how many are left?"
One of the boys raised his hand and the teacher called on him, "None," he answered. "No, I'm sorry, the answer is TWO," the teacher replied. "But," returned the boy, "if you shot at one bird, wouldn't the other two fly away?" "Well, that's still not the right answer," began the teacher, "but I like the way you think!"
"Ok, now I have a question for you," started the boy. "If three women are standing on a sidewalk eating ice cream and one is just nibbling at it, one is really licking it, and the other is shoving it deep down into her throat... how can you tell which one is married?"
"Now, I really don't like this question," lectured the teacher, "but I would have to say it is the third one." The boy glanced casually at his teacher, "Nope, it is the one wearing the ring... But," he added, "I like the way you think."
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A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
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Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert. They cam upon a castle, dying of thirst they decided to go into the castle. Inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful women. The three men decided to stay (obviously, what man wouldn't). For a week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with the many beautiful women. After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he walked into his castle he found the three men with his women. Pissed off the king ordered his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall. Then the king said that each of them would be serverly punished according to their occupation.
The king goes up the the first man and demands to know his occupation. The first man replies..."Fireman." The king tells his army, "Burn off his penis." Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation. Hesitating the man said...."I...I...I...I'm a police officer." The king ordered, "Shoot off his penis." Then finally the King asks the third man his occupation. With a huge smile on his face the man replied, "Lollipop salesman."
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A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.
The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously," What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"
Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures, and suck 'em dry".
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One night, a young boy heard noises from his parent's bedroom. It was hard for him, but he went back to sleep. The next night he heard the same noises, but once again fell back asleep. Finally, on the third day that he was woken up by his parents, he decides to see what the heck they are doing.
So he walks up to his parents room, and sees his mother on top of his father. She is moving up and down on top of him, and they both are making grunting noises. He has no idea what is going on, and decides to go back to bed.
The next morning the boy tells his mother about how they woke him up, and what he saw when he went to see what they were doing. Finally, he asks what was going on. His mother decides he is too young to learn about sex, so she tells him that since his father is getting old and fat, she has to jump on top on him to keep him thin.
"But mommy," the boy exclaims, "That won't work, cause everyday when you go to work, the next door neighboor comes over and blows him back up!"
-
Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
There is this school in the middle of this country somewhere where every Thursday the teacher would ask the children a question. If anyone ever got it right they would not have to come to class on Monday.
One time she asked them "How many gains of sand are on the beach?"
When they came in on Friday nobody had the answer.
The next Thursday she asked "How many stars are there?"
When they came in on Friday nobody had the answer.
One kid had enough of this and was determined to get Monday off.
That night he went home and found two tennis balls and painted them.
Then next day when the teacher gets ready to ask the question, he throughs the balls across the room.
The teacher then askes
"Who's the joker with the black balls?"
The kid jumps up and states
"Eddie Murphy! See ya Tuesday!"
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
What do you call a mentally challenged lion? A Leotard!
Why was the flower arrested for indecient exposure? Because they caught him with his plants down.
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and Bo Derek. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.
When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek.
(1) Bo Derek thought - "That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must have slapped his face."
(2) Janet Reno thought - "That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on Bo Derek and she smacked him."
(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on Bo Derek and by mistake she slapped me."
(4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of
their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to
them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the
newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here
are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I
take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through t he sight in the
! direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can
see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's
naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......
He's naked, too!!! The ****!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull
the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.
Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, and just a kid, so just
shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for
a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is rushed to hospital on the very cusp of death. After being given a quick jolt of the defibrillator the woman is revived, and she tells the doctors she had a near death experience.
'I saw God', the beaming woman explains. 'He told me that it was not my time and that I had a good 30 years left on this earth.'
The woman makes a good recovery from her trauma, and as a result of her meeting with God she decides to really enjoy life. Deciding on completely revamping her image, she checks into a clinic for the works - face job, liposuction, boob job and hair colouring. After a few weeks the makeover is complete and the woman looks stunning. She checks out and walks along the street, feeling bright and brezzy, full of hope for the future. She steps out at a zebra crossing and a lorry ploughs into her, killing her instantly.
The woman goes up to Heaven and stands in front of God, furious. 'I thought you said I had a good 30 years!' she cries indignantly.
'What can I say?' God says, embarresed. 'I didn't recognise you.'
-X-
After years of milking cows the old fashioned way, Farmer Giles decides to go high tech and orders a automatic milking machine. It arrives a few days later and, realising his wife is out for the day, decides to try it out on himself.
After setting it up, the farmer eases his cock into the equipment and turns it on. The sucking teat pleasures him better then anything he's ever felt but, when it's all over, the machine won't let go of his dick. In desperation, he calls the Customer Service Hotline. 'Hello', he winces, 'I've just bought a milking machine from your company. It works great but, er, how do I remove it?'
'Oh don't worry', replies the rep. 'The machine will automatically release once it's collected two gallons.'
-X-
An Irishman walks into a pub and orders three pints of Guinness, taking a sip out of each of them in turn. After a few minutes, the barman turns to him and says 'You know your pints are gonna go flat like that, right? It'd be better if you bought them one at a time.'
The Irishman replies 'Well, I have two brothers - one in America and one in Australia. We promised we'd all drink this way to remember the days we supped together.'
The barman nots in understanding and leaves him to it. Over the weeks the Irishman becomes a regular and always buys three drinks at a time... until one day when he orders just two pints. The other drinkers fall silent.
'I don't want to intrude on your grief' says the barman when the Irishman comes back for a second round, 'but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss.'
'What?' queries the Irishman. 'Oh, you mean - no, my brothers are fine. I've just given up drinking.'
-X-
It's the final of the wrestling at the Olympics, and the field has been narrowed down to a Russian and an American competing for the gold. Before the bout, the American's trainer gives him a pep talk. 'Don;t forget all the research we've done into this guy', he says. 'He's never lost a match 'cause of this "Pretzel" hold he's got. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The wrestler nods in agreement and the match begins. The combatants warily circle each other, looking for an opening, when suddenly the Russian lunges forward, grabs the American and wraps him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd while the trainer buries his face in his hands - he knows it's all over.
Suddenly there's a scream, followed by a cheer from the crowd. The trainer raises his eyes just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. His back hits the mat with a thud, the American weakly flops on top of him, gets the pin and wins the match.
The trainer's astounded! Rushing forward with a towel he throws it over his boy and hisses 'How the hell did you do that?'
'Well I was ready to give up', explains the wrestler, 'but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this bair of balls hanging right in front of me! Well, I had nothing to lose, so I stretched out and chimoped down on them as hard as I could.'
'And that worked!' says the trainer.
'Oh yeah. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls.'
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
A married guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful
blonde who waves at him and says "Hello!"
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where
he knows her from, so he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now he thinks back to the ONLY time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My gosh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party where we did it on the pool table with all my buddies watching?
She looks shocked and then manages to stammer, "No sir, I'm your son's math teacher."
==========
Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night.
In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think? "
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, he comes home and asks, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "OK! What do you think?"
He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
A bloke is walking down the street one day when he finds a little oil lamp in the gutter. So he picks it up, give it a rub and out pops a genie. 'I grant you one wish', says the genie.
'Okay', says the man. 'I wish I could be really lucky for the rest of the day.' The genie snaps his fingers and poof! He's gone. So the man shrugs and starts walking down the road again, wishing he had some cash to try out his new-found luck, when all of a sudden he spots a £50 note lying in the gutter.
'How lucky', he says to himself, and promptly goes to the bookie and places it on 400-1 long shot. His horse comes in second. 'Oh well', he thinks to himself. All of a sudden there's an announcement - there's been a steward's enquiry and the winner has been disqualified, making his horse the winner!
'How lucky!' thinks the man.
After a day of incredibly good luck, he meets his friends in the pub and tells them all about it. They don't believe it, and set him a challenge. The Indian barmaid is sexy as hell - but nobody's managed to screw her yet. The man smiles and walks over to the barmaid, and they start chatting. The next thing he knows, he's giving her a good seeing to in the toilets. 'How lucky' he thinks.
After a couple of minutes though, he stops. 'Look, I'm sorry' he says to the girl. 'I know it's a religious thing, but I can't take my eyes off that red dot on your forehead. It's ruining my concentration.'
'Don't worry', she says back. 'It's just a bit of paint. Scratch it off.'
So he does.
'Bugger me! I've won a car!'
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
-
Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Woo! I made a sticky! Yeah!
Mary pulls aside the Father following his Sunday morning service. She's in tears, and the priest is worried. 'What could possibly be bothering you, my child?'
'Oh Father', sobs Mary, 'I've terrible news - my husband passed away last night.'
'Oh sweet Jesus, Mary', says the Father. 'That's terrible news. I'm so sorry. Did he have any last requests?'
'That he did Father', replies Mary, 'That he did. He kept screaming 'Please Mary, put down the gun!''
-X-
A man is playing a practice round of golf when he notices a frog sitting next to the playing field. Thinking nothing of it, he takes out a six iron to play his shot when he hears: 'Ribbit. Nine iron.'
The man looks round, but there's on-one in sight, so he lines up his shot once more. 'Ribbit. Nine iron.'
He gives the frog a long look and, putting his other club away, grabs the nine iron. THWACK! He puts the ball not 20 cm from the hole. 'You must be a lucky frog' he tells the frog.
'Ribbit. Lucky frog', the creature replies.
The man picks up the frog and carries him to the next hole. 'What do you think, little fella?' he asks. 'Ribbit. Three wood' comes the reply.
The man takes out a three wood and BOOM! Hole in one! Two hours later he's played the best round of golf in his life, so he decides to take trhe frog to Las Vegas. As soon as the plane touches town the frog pipes up, 'Ribbit. Roulette'. As the wheel spins, the frog's there again: 'Ribbit. $3,000, black six.' The man plonks down all his money.
Result! Black Six! The man takes his winnings and checks into the best room in the hotel. He says to the frog 'I don't know how to repay you'.
'Ribbit. Kiss me', says the frog. The man puckers up - why not, after all the frog's done for him? And with that kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
'And that, Your Honour, is how she ended up in my room.'
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
I love these. :p Not quite a joke, but damn funny nevertheless.
HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS - Actual writings from hospital charts
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Whats red and not there?
no tomatoes
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
More quickies.
Q. What's black, triangluar and sings?
A. Kate's Bush.
Q. What do priests and Christmas Trees have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. Why do blondes take the pill?
A. So they know what day of the week it is.
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Two... but how do they get in?
Q. What do you call a camel with four humps?
A. A Saudi Quattro.
Q. What do you call two lesbians in a cupboard?
A. A liquor cabinet.
Q. What do you call a Welshman with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.
Q. What do elephants use as tampons?
A. Sheep.
Q. What does a 75-year-old woman have between her knees that a 25-year-old doesn't?
A. Her nipples.
Q. What do The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?
A. Icy dead people.
Q. How do you know if your wife has died?
A. The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.
Q. Why is working in an office just like Christmas?
A. You do all the work, but some fat guy gets all the credit.
Q. Why are women like condoms?
A. They spend 90% of their time in your wallet and the other 10% on your dick.
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget.
And finally, what's the difference between a British and an Iraqi soldier?
Don't know? Welcome to the United States Air Force!
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Medicating your pet.
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as though holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to his cheeks. Cat will then close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat the process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Remove second pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open, and push pill to back of throat with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10, if you are able. Hold cat's mouth closed as well.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call for assistance.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, immobilizing front and rear paws. Ask assistant to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's throat. Flick pill down ruler with forefinger, and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from living room curtain valance.
8. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth, and set aside for later gluing. Remove third pill from foil wrap.
9. Wrap cat in beach towel, and ask assistant to lie prone on cat with cat's head visible under assistant's armpit. Put pill in paper tube you've made for this purpose. Then, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow.
10. Check label to make sure pill is not lethal to humans. Sip water to take taste away. Apply bandage to assistant's forearm, and remove blood from carpet with soap and cold water.
11. Retrieve cat from neighbor's roof. Remove fourth pill from foil. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on cat's neck and head outside cupboard. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
12. Fetch screwdriver from garage, and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw bloodied, ripped T-shirt away, and fetch another from bedroom.
13. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
14. Call 911, ask fire department to retrieve cat from eucalyptus tree.
15. Remove remaining pill from foil wrap.
16. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and securely tie to leg of dining table. Put on heavy-duty pruning gloves. Force cat's mouth open with tire iron. Drop pill, previously hidden in an ounce of hamburger, into cat's mouth. Hold head vertically with nose pointed to ceiling, and pour half-pint of water down cat's throat, and two jiggers of whiskey down your own.
17. Ask assistant to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor administers anesthetic, stitches fingers, forearm and removes pill fragments from eye.
18. Drop off cat, along with a generous donation, at animal shelter, and adopt a goldfish.
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
There once was a man named Moby Dick
He had a corkscrew shaped prick
He searched the world high and low to find a girl with a corkscrew shaped hole.
But when he found her, he dropped dead,
For hers was a lefthand corkscrew thread.
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Holy Crap, this thread's updating again! Umm...
A man is walking down the High Street when suddenly a nearby wall collapses, burying him in rubble. It's ten minutes before another passer-by - a smartly dressed man - happens to wander past. 'Christ! Are you okay mate?' he cries. 'Has anyone called an ambulance?'
'Uh... no' comes the agonised reply.
'Right. What about the police?' asks the second man.
'No' moans the injured man.
'Okay... how about the compensation board?'
By now the injured man is groggily angry. 'Look - you're the first one here!'
The smart man thinks for a minute. 'All right' he says, shifting some rubble. 'Move over then.'
-
Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
I got this in an e-mail and thought it was funny. Maybe that's just because I have leopard geckos and do alot of herp rescues.
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome
> including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below
will
> have
> you laughing out LOUD
>
> Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what
happened:
>
> Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
> "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in
his
> room.
>
> "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. I'm serious dad,
can you
> help?"
>
> I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him
into his
> bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking
> stressed I immediately knew what to do.
>
> "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
>
> "Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
babies!"
>
> "What?" my shocked son demanded, "But their names are Bert and Ernie,
> Mom!"
>
> I was equally outraged.
>
> " Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
> reproduce," I accused my wife.
>
> "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
> inquired.
>
> "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
most
> loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
>
> "Yeah! Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
>
> "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
> informed me. (again with that sarcasm, in her voice).
>
> By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I
> shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
>
> "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're
> about to witness the miracle of birth."
>
> "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "yuck!"
>
> "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter
of
> tiny lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
>
> We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny
> foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
>
> "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
>
> "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
>
> "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
>
> "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next
> appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more
> times
> with the same results.
>
> "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could
> talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females
in
> my
> house?)
>
> "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
>
> We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
>
> "Breathe,Ernie, breathe," he urged.
>
> "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women
can be
> so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
but
> this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
>
> The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little
> animal through a magnifying glass.
>
> "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
>
> "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
speak to
> you privately for a moment?"
>
> I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
>
> "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
>
> "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
> fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see,
Ernie is
> a
> young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male
> species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on
his
> back."
>
> He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.
> Cameron."
>
> We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just... excited,"
my
> wife offered.
>
> "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
>
> More silence.
>
> Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then
even
> laugh loudly.
>
> "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman I
> married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
>
> Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...
I'm
> picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for
more
> air
> to bellow in laughter once more.
>
> "That's enough!" I warned.
>
> We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back
into
> the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
>
> "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told
me.
>
> "Oh, you have NO idea!" Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with
> laughter.
>
> Cage - $50... Lizards - $140... Trip to the Vet - $30... Memory of
your
> husband pulling on a lizard's wacker..... Priceless!
>
> Oh, and for your information....
>
> LIZARDS LAY EGGS!!!!! :)
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
The only girls I get anymore is because of who I am
A rapist
~Rodney Dangerfield
-
Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
In a bid to encourage teamwork, representatives of the Navy, Army and Metropolitan Police are invited to a cross-forces outward-bound competition. With the scores even at the end of the weekend, the three groups are set one final task - to troop the woods and bring back a rabbit.
The Navy go in first. There's 15 minutes of quiet rustling before a single shot rings out. Before long, one naval officer emerges grinning from the undergrowth clutching a bunny neatly shot between the eyes.
Next up were the army - who, it became obvious from the smoke and crackling - were adopting a slash 'n' burn technique. After a couple of hours, one of the infantrymen emerged beaming, holding a rabbit, abliet slightly charred.
Finally it was the turn of the Met - highly confident they could secure victory. They descend into the foliage and quickly there are the echoes of gunfire. This continues for hours until - a full day later - the policemen walk out, triumphantly holding up... a slightly bloodied squirrel.
'What the hell?' yell the co-ordinator. 'You were supposed to get a rabbit!'
Wordlessly one of the Met officers holds up the squirrel. 'Listen!' it squeaks, wild-eyed. 'I'm a rabbit! For the love of god, I'm a rabbit!'
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry,"says St. Peter, "She's just having her head
drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"
=------------------------------------------------=
Some Laws of Physics Not in Standard Texts:
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)
Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jam Sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
=------------------------------------------------=
QUESTIONS TO PONDER:
1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but they don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
(If you know the real answer to this one, keep it to yourself. You'll know why anyway.)
8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
14. Stop singing and read on..........
15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
=------------------------------------------------=
"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 ALQAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN"
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such aninflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business, and that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement. We are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign.
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?
Answer: A Funeral Home. ;)
(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)
You gotta love it! God Bless America!
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Heard this one earlier today and it had me smiling for a while.
-X-
A guy is in Africa and on his travels sees an elephant standing with one foot in the air. The man, throwing all caution to the wind, walks over to the elephant and looks at the foot. Sure enough, there's a sharp stone stuck there. The man carefully removes it and steps back a pace. The elephant puts its foot back on the ground and just stares at the man for the longest time before turning round and walking away.
Years later, the man is taking his son to the zoo when he comes to the elephants, and one of them just stops and looks at the man, just like in Africa. The man wonders if this is the same creature and, once again throwing caution to the wind, climbs over the rail and makes his way over to the elephant. After a moment of staring, the elephant picks up the man with its trunk and slams him into the wall, killing him instantly.
It wasn't the same elephant...
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
... because an elephant never forgets. Heh. Cute.
" -x- "
Subject: Men Beware!
Latest scam, and according to Snopes. com, this one is real.
Guys need to be careful. I am a victim of the latest scam which is
happening in parking lots of Kings Supermarkets.
Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking. One
starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your
window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse. While you're distracted, the other one lets herself in the backseat. Then both are begging you for a ride home.
Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants. This is when they steal your wallet.
I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
I couldn't find them on Saturday.
Ladies, please pass this warning on to your husbands if they tend to do alot of the food shopping. Thanks
...
Okay, this one's a new one. o.o'
Enjoy. :p
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Three guys check into a hotel, but the clerk tells them that since the lodge is fully booked, they'll have to share a bed. Tired and sleepy, the men agree.
Next morning, the guy who slept on the left says 'Man, I had the most vivid dream last night. I dreamt I was having a wank!'
'You too?' says the guy on the right.
The guy in the middle is pretty weirded out by this. 'You're both disgusting' he says. 'I had a perfectly ordinary dream. I was skiing.'
-X-
Driving his car through the countryside, a middle-aged man spots a naked youth with his arms tied around the trunk of a tree. The driver slows and winds his window down and he hears the kid crying for help. After looking round to check it's not some sort of trap, he gets out the car to investigate.
'Oh thank God!' the young man cries. 'I've had a terrible day!'
'I can see that' says the driver, noticing the bruises and whip-marks on the guy's back. 'What the hell happened?'
'Well' moans the young man, 'I was driving along when I saw this young woman in a pair of cut-offs and a bra hitch-hiking. I stopped to give her a lift, and as soon as I jumped out to put her rucksack in the boot, two huge guys jumped out from nowhere, stripped me, tied me up, beat me, nicked all my stuff and drove off in my car!'
'Oh dear' says the driver, unbuckling his belt. 'It's really not your day, is it gorgeous?'
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study. The Canucks didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00, the Canadian study was complete.
They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as " Sinko de Mayo."
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
A guy is talking to his friend and says 'Man, I made the most embarrasing mistake yesterday! I went to the airport and the woman behind the counter had these beautiful huge knockers, and I asked her for two tickets to Tittsburgh!'
'Yeah, I know what you mean' replied his friend. 'Just the other morning I meant to ask my wife to pass the salt and I said 'BITCH, YOU RUINED MY LIFE!'
-X-
Declan the humble crab and Katie the lobster princess were madly and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship, until one day Katie scuttled over to Declan in tears.
'We can't see each other any more' she sobbed.
'Why?' gasped Declan.
'Daddy says that crabs are too common' she wailed. 'He says that no daughter of his will marry a creature that walks sideways.'
Declan was shattered, and walked away to drink himself into oblivion.
That night, the great lobster ball was taking place. The lobster princess refused to join in the moment, despite the encouragement of her father. Suddenly the doors opened and Declan the crab strode in. The dancing stopped and all eyes were on Declan as he made his was to Katie's father. All could see that he was walking forwards. Step by step he made his was over to the throne and looked the King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush.
'Finally, the crab spoke. 'Fuck, I'm pissed.'
-X-
Three lads are enjoying a quiet night in a oub when a fourth stumbles in and orders a beer. Spying the group, the drunk stumbles over, points at one of the boys and shouts: 'I've had your mum!'
The lads ignore him and return to their pints. He shouts up again: 'Up the arse!'
Although irritated, they ignore him again. The drunk stands up again, points at the boy and yells: 'Your Mum sucked my cock last night!'
The boy looks up wearily. 'You're drunk, Dad. Go home.'
-X-
A teenager comes home from school and asks his dad 'What's the difference between potential and reality?'
His dad says 'I'll show you, Go ask your Mum if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid, then ask your sister if she'd sleep with Orlando Bloom for a million.'
Ten minutes later, the teen comes back. 'I've got it. Potentially we're sitting on two million quid - but in reality we're living on a couple of slags.'
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Tech Support Humor - It's Not There
There are several user-types, but I think the one I fear the most is the It's-Not-There user. Unfortunately for me, the worst case of It's-Not-Thereism I know of is my own brother (a former engineering student believe it or not).
Here's a sample conversation with a typical It's-Not-There user:
Tech: Ok, now click on the "Edit" menu
User: It's not there.
Tech: Alright, (slowly) do you see the word "Edit" there on the screen?
User: It's not there.
Tech: Errr... (becoming angry) do you see the long horizontal thing with the words on it?
User: It's not...
Tech: (now breathing funny) "File"... "Edit"... "View"...
User: Oh, you mean THAT thing!
Tech: Yes, that thing. Now click on the word "Edit"
User: Sorry, I was clicking on the menu down at the bottom. I didn't know you meant THAT menu. Ok, I clicked on it.
Tech: (long pause) Now click on the word "Copy".
User: It's not there.
Tech: (incoherent screaming)
-x-
Liar Sermon
"Folks," said the old priest, "the subject of my sermon this evening is liars.
How many in the congregation have read the 69th Chapter of Mathew?"
Nearly every hand in the audience was raised.
"You are just the folks I want to preach to," said the priest. "There ain't no 69th Chapter of Mathew."
-x-
Human Stupidity:
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On some Swansonn frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's *just* a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space?)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (Really???)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (I'm glad they cleared that up...)
On a childs superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
In a Laundromat : Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
On a Church Door : This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)
Quicksand Warning : Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
Seen during a Conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
Notice in a Field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
On a Repair Shop Door : We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
-x-
Who is Better
Two gods, Karbara and Mula, were arguing with each other on who is the most famous in the human community. The arguing continued all day and night. Since they could not come to a decision, they agreed on a simple test.
There are two trees in the park with a path between them. Karbara will tie a thin strong string between the trees such that if anyone walks on the path, they're doomed to trip and fall. The test here is the name of the god the person will shout when the person trips.
The first guy came along, and tripped on the string and cried "Oh Karbara!". Karbara gave a smile to Mula who gave back a rude face.
The second guy came along, tripping on the string and cried "Oh Mula!". Mula gave a smile to Karbara who gave back a rude face.
The third guy came along, and tripped on the string and cried "Which idiot tied this here?".
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and Mother Superior's last instruction is that they must not get a drop of paint on their new habits. After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door, strip off and work in the nude.
Halfway through the project, there's a knock at the door. 'Who is it?' cries one of the nuns.
'Blind man' comes the reply.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, unlock the door and let him in.
'Nice tits' says the man. 'Where do you want these blinds?'
-X-
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class, when suddenly the man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and tells herself she just imagined it.
A few minutes pass and suddenly the man sneezes again. Then he gets out his member and wipes off the tip. The woman is seething - she can't believe such an ncouth person exists.
A few more minutes pass and the man sneezes once again, going through the whole routine again. By now the woman has had enough. 'What the hell do you think you're doing?' she demands of the man.
'I'm so sorry to have disturbed you ma'am' the man apologises. 'The fact is that I have a very rare condition. Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm.'
The woman looks agast. 'I'm so sorry! What are you taking for it?'
'Pepper.'
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
CHINESE PROVERBS!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
An Irishman's been drinking at the pub all night. When he tries to stand up he falls flat on his face. He tries to strand again, with the same effect. So he figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air, maybe that'll freshen him up. Once outside he stands up, and falls straight back down again.
So he decides to crawl the four streets to his home. When he arrives he stands up at the door and duly falls over again. He crawls through the door and up to his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he makes one last effort to get erect. This time he manages to pull himself upright, but he quickly falls into bed and is sound asleep in moments.
The next day he awakens to find his wife over him, shouting 'You've been out drinking again!'
'What makes you say that?' says the Irishman, putting on an innocent face.
'The pub called' says his wife. 'You left your wheelchair there again.'
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Non-English speaking countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists:
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At the Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctor 's office , Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the grounds of a Nairobi private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
In Aamchi Mumbai restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
The best!!! In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
Another, the best!!!! In a Japanese cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES