Darthy dear... you ROCK!! :)
<hug>
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Darthy dear... you ROCK!! :)
<hug>
Isn't this essentially the exact same thing as the "Saga of AGN" that I made years and years ago? I only got around to doing one chapter, and it probably sucked, but I just now tried looking for it and I can't seem to locate it anywhere, which kind of blows...
Well, I wasn't a member way back when, so I'd have no input in this. But otherwise, I can't stop busting out and laughing.
Soooo great. :lol:Quote:
Originally Posted by Darth Marsden
Sorry guys, you're gonna have to wait a bit for the next 'hilarious' chapter. I'd typed it all up, but then Firefox screwed up and I lost everything, so I've completely lost focus. I'll have another bash in a couple of hours after I've done some chores and had some lunch. Have no fear, I will finish it... honest!
And AlexMax - if you were thinking of doing another such quest, I'd quite happily join in. They were fun, provided people didn't screw around.
1.5.0.11, and I'm getting pop-ups. I'm upgrading to the latest version as I speak. Well, type.
EDIT: Done. Having fun with new themes now. Anyway! Onwards and downwards...
[A bus drives past a big sign which says 'Welcome to Bentonville, Home of Wall*Mart' before pulling up to a bus station, where the guys get off]
Aegix Dragon: Damm, that was a long 9 hours.
Breaker: It wouldn't have taken so long if the tires hadn't been slashed.
Cloral: I know! Wasn't it weird how both tires were slashed like that? We must have been really unlucky, huh?
[Breaker stares at Cloral, who puts on an innocent face. He shakes his head and starts walking towards a building marked as 'Wall*Mart Corporate headquarters']
Breaker: ...whatever. C'mon, let's get that store shut down.
[CUT TO inside the Corporate Headquarters. A cavernous warehouse opens up before them, with busy workers moving boxes and such forth. The guys stare at this as a receptionist come to greets them]
Receptionist: Hey guys. Can I help you?
Breaker: Yeah. We've come to complain. We don't want a Wall*Mart in our town.
Receptionist: Who does? Nobody likes what the Wall*Mart does, but it keeps... right on doing it. God help us...
Breaker: We want to talk to who's in charge.
Receptionist: In charge? Well, I guess that would be Harvey Brown. He's the current president of Wall*Mart. One of the original creators.
Aegix Dragon: Where's he?
[Cut to a shot of an ashtray. A hand rubs spent cigarette butts into it. The camera pulls out to reveal the president of Wall*Mart sitting at a bar with the guys standing behind him. There's several empty glasses next to the president, and a pair of scrumpled up cigarette packets]
Harvey Brown: We... invented the Wall*Mart Super Center in 1987. The idea was simple: build a store for one-stop shopping where bulk purchases could keep prices incredibly low. [Defeated, he buries his face in his left hand] We didn't know what we were doing. In just four years, it was out of control.
Breaker: So how do we stop it?
Harvey Brown: [He raises his head] You don't stop it. You can't.
Breaker: There has to be a way!
Harvey Brown: There's nothing! Don't you understand?! Nothing can stop the Wall*Mart in your town! ...Unless...of course, you can find and destroy its heart.
Cloral: Heart of Wall*Mart? Okay, I think this guy's had one too many.
Breaker: ...whaddya mean, heart of Wall*Mart?
Harvey Brown: Every Wall*Mart has a heart, somewhere near the television department. Destroy the heart and you could reverse the entire process!
Cloral: Ok, shut up now, alright?
Aegix Dragon: [To Cloral] Shush! [To Harvey] Why don't you guys just destroy the heart?
Harvey Brown: You think we didn't try? The Wall*Mart stops you. Plenty of people have tried - Union leaders, nature activists, even the best fair-trade lawyers tried to stop the Wall*Mart and now? They are Wall*Mart shoppers all.
Breaker: All right. Come on you guys, we'd better get back. It's not as if we've got any other solutions, right? [They all turn and start to leave]
Harvey Brown: [Shaking his head] It won't work, don't you understand?! It isn't gonna stop until there's nothing but Wall*Mart left! Jesus, what did we do?? WHAT DID WE DO?? [The guys are at the doors, about to leave. Mr. Brown spins around on his stool] Guys! [They turn and see him take a gun to his head] Tell the world... Im sorry!
Aegix Dragon: Jesus, don't do it!
[Mr. Brown shoots himself through the temple and falls over on his left side, dead. Seconds later he craps through his pants, leaving a hole in them and a falled bar stool nearby. A few moments of shock pass, and then Cloral's mobile phone starts ringing. He answers it]
Darth: Ha! Told you. [He hangs up]
Cloral: ...how the hell does he do that?
Breaker: He's a Sith Lord, he can do all sorts of weird stuff.
Aegix Dragon: I wonder how he's doing with those script kiddies?
[CUT TO Darth being forced down a dark, dirty corridor by a bunch of script kiddies armed with M4s. His hands are tied behind his back and his right shoulder, the one he injured during my last 'epic', is stained with blood. Darth is not best pleased as the events that have led him here.]
Darth: If I hadn't made that phone call, you'd all be soooooo dead.
Script Kiddie: 5hut up! 0ur l33t hax0r p0w3r5 hav3 l3d u5 t0 v1ct0ry! Y00 sha11 pay f0r y0ur cr1m3s!
[Darth is led into what used to be a great hall that has fallen into disrepear. Mottzilla is chained to the wall, but when he sees Darth he manages to raise his head and smily weakly. Darth smiles back before being led onward to a computer chair placed upon a table. One of the script kiddies hits him in the back of the legs with his gun and Darth falls onto his knees painfully. He looks up as the chair spins round, revealing LightningZ, wearing some rubbish papier mache crown and a stained 'l33t hax0r' t-shirt. He stands up.]
LightningZ: Ah, 50 thi5 i5 th3 a55h0l3 wh0 ha5 b33n f0rcing u5 t0 r3turn t0 0ur pr3vi0u5 5av3 p0int5!
Darth: If you're gonna talk to me, at least do it in English, you moron.
LightningZ: 5IL3NC3! Y0u wi11 n0t disr35p3ct m3 in my n3w w0rld!
Darth: Oh for the love of...
LightningZ: Y0u 5ha11 pay f0r y0ur crim35!
Darth: God, shut up, you're giving me a headache... [Darth suddenly gets an idea and closes his eyes]
LightningZ: Th3r3 hav3 b33n t00 many r35tart5 b3cau53 0f y00! I hav3 d3vi53d a m05t appr0piat3 t0rtur3 f0r y00, my fri3nd, a m05t appr0piat3... [LightningZ stops in mid-sentance and puts one hand to his head] 0w! what... what i5 thi5? What i5 in my h3ad? [He clutches at his head with both hands in agony] Augh! Mak3 th3 pain g0 away! G3t it 0ut 0f my...
[Before he can finish his sentance, his head quite literally explodes. Brain matter and blood fly all over the room. The script kiddies panic and start running around as Darth finally opens his eyes. Seizing the opportunity, he runs over to where Mottzilla is.]
Darth: You alright?
Mottzilla: I'm surviving. What happened to your arm?
Darth: One of the little buggers whacked me in the shoulder with their rifle... managed to clip me right at the joint. It's gonna hurt for weeks... C'mon, let's get out of here. [Darth tears the binding holding his wrists together apart. Seeing Mottzilla's puzzled look, he smiles] Script kiddies. Can't do anything right to save their lives. Try it. [Mottzilla does, and finds that the chains aren't even locked.]
Mottzilla: Amateurs. I've got a ride out back - let's go.
[The pair run out of the building, and Darth sees that Mottzilla's ride is a Monster Truck.]
Darth: Sweet!
Mottzilla: What can I say? You were right. Now let's go!
...this exciting epic continues soon...
Session manager..
https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/2324
I began wheezing, I was laughing so much. "Darth: Ha! Told you."
This is too excellent. I'm sorry that your "story" is so good that you are pretty much forced to post a few a day. :blah:
...who's forced? I want to do it! And surely it would be 'stories'...
[Darth climbers onto the back of the truck while Mottzilla gets in the drivers seat. He turns the key and the engine stutters. He does this a few times as Darth grows impatient.]
Darth: C'mon! They're gonna be after us any minute!
Mottzilla: The damn thing won't start!
Darth: ...how's the gas?
Mottzilla: [He checks. It's on empty] Oops.
Darth: Dammit Mottzilla!
Mottzilla: I've been a little busy, Ok? Gas wasn't exactly the first thing on my mind at the time!
Darth: Honestly... you got any more?
Mottzilla: There should be a spare can round the back...
Darth: [Checks, he sees it] Yeah, it's there. [He sees script kiddies coming from the building] Great, that's ALL we need. I'll buy us some time. Get that thing fueled up!
[Darth jumps down from the back of the monster truck and moves to thrust his right arm out before grabbing it in pain. Remembering, he instead reaches out with his left hand and his lightsaber flies down from on to off a lamppost into his hand. He ignites it and starts slashing at the script kiddies who come pouring out of the back door. Meanwhile, Mottzilla reaches for the gas can, grabs it and fills up the gas tank. Finishing, he throws the can to the ground, shoves the gas cap back in and heads back into the drivers seat.]
Mottzilla: Darth! Let's go!
Darth: [Mumbling to himself] About bloody time. [He runs back to the truck and jumps onto the back] Floor it!
[Mottzilla does. The truck flies forward and Darth whoops like a redneck as they fly down the street. A few blocks down however, several script kiddies appear riding quad bikes and start chasing them
Darth: Dammit, we got company! You got any weapons on this thing?
Mottzilla: Sorry, they cost extra!
Darth: Figures. [He flings his saber backwards and it spins straight into one of the bikes, slicing off it's front wheels. It flips forwards and sends the driver straight into the tarmac as the saber returns to Darth] Can you go any faster?
Mottzilla: We're at top speed! That a problem?
Darth: No, just checking. [Darth repeats the process, but the quad bike swerves out of the way. The driver starts firing his gun at the monster truck] Dammit, they're actually learning!
Mottzilla: You're kidding!
Darth: Wish I were! Hard brake! [Mottzilla does just that. The quad bike rams straight into the back of the monster truck and the driver's gun flies straight into Darth's hand] Thank you. [To Mottzilla] Full throttle, if you would!
Mottzilla: Gotcha.
[Darth blasts one of the other quad bikes with the gun and it swerves into a lamppost. The driver goes flying]
Script Kiddie: 533? I hav3 u53d my aw350m3 hax t0 3nabl3 flying m0d3!
[He promptly smacks into another lamppost. Darth check the gun's clip - three bullets. He carefully takes aim and fires at another quad bike. The front right tire goes and the driver struggles to keep it straight. While it's turned slightly, Darth shoots the left rear tire out and the quad bike goes flying. He then turns to the last two quads and casually shoots at one of the drivers. Go into Slow Motion as we follow the bullet straight into the middle of the driver's head. He falls off the bike and it slows to a halt. The gun empty, Darth throws it at the remaining driver. It hits him square in the face, and he veers into another building, where it explodes. Darth grins maniacally as he turns round and faces forward]
Darth: That's the last of them.
Mottzilla: You sure?
[Mottzilla points ahead. The camera zooms forward to reveal a script kiddie with a rocket launcher aimed right at the truck.]
Rocket Kiddie: F3ar my 133t r0ck3t 5ki115!
[He fires the rocket. Speed back to the truck]
Darth: GET DOWN!
[Mottzilla does so as Darth throws his arm forward. The front and rear windscreen shatter and the rocket jumps upward slightly. It flies straight through the front windshield and right past Darth's face - again, in Slow Motion, so we see Darth turning his head and looking at the rocket as it goes past - before it flies onward and blows up of its own accord. CUT TO the rocket kiddie, who looks dismayed that his plan has failed. Too late, he realises he shouldn't be standing in the middle of the road, and he gets smacked straight in the face by the monster truck. A little blood flies through the open windshield.]
Mottzilla: Eww...
Darth: Ah, suck it up, ya baby. C'mon, let's get back to the Wall*Mart and let War Lord know we're done cleaning up.
Mottzilla: But it's all over my shirt...
Darth: How'd ya think I feel? I got blood on mine too!
Mottzilla: Yeah, but it's not script kiddie blood, is it?
Darth: ...Ok, I'll give you that.
[The truck speeds out of sight. CUT TO A stormy night in front of Wall*Mart. Aegix Dragon and Breaker arrive dressed in camouflage.]
Breaker: All right, this is it! If Wall*Mart has a heart, we have to find it and destroy it! No matter what the Wall*Mart does to try to stop us, we have to be strong! Let's do it.
Cloral: Rushes in and blocks their path, holding a pistol] I'm afraid not, Breaker! Wall*Mart is a great store! I can't let you fools ruin its terrific bargains! You see, I was working for Wall*Mart all along!
Breaker: ...yeah, I know.
Cloral: ...no you didn't.
Breaker: ...yeah, I did. You weren't very covert about it.
Cloral: ...how do you mean?
Breaker: ...you've always been defending Wall*Mart, right from the beginning, you were obviously the one who slashed the bus tires in Arkansas, and you were trying to get the Wall*Mart president to shut up, AND you made us stop and buy that gun on the way back for no apparent reason! C'mon, it was painfully obvious [Cloral babbles loudly to drown him out] you were gonna turn on us!
Cloral: [Hands over ears] I can't hear you! Lalalalalala! [Once he's sure Breaker is quiet, he uncovers his ears and holds out the gun again] I'm sorry, guys, but if you want to hurt the Wall*Mart, you'll have to go through me!
Breaker: ..great. This is all we need.
[In the distance, the monster truck can be heard. Suddenly it burst over into the car park and heads straight for the guys. Cloral turns and screams as it executes a handbreak turn, only for it to stop right next to him. He breathes a sigh of relief, only for Darth to jump down and whack him over the head with his unlit lightsaber. Mottzilla climbs out and starts trying to brush the blood off his shirt]
Breaker: Hey guys.
Darth: Hey. You got a plan?
Breaker: Yep. Go in, find the heart, kill it dead.
Darth: Cool. [They all start walking towards the entrance. Cloral gets back up, and Darth throws the saber at him without looking. It clonks him on the head and he falls unconscious as the saber returns to Darth's hand.]
Aegix Dragon: What happened to your arm, Darth?
Darth: What arm?
...to be concluded...
EDIT: Ack! Someone say something so I don't double post.
EDIT2: Seriously. Somebody praise me, damn it!
Posting once moar in a legendary threadQuote:
Dammit, someone else post!
This is pure gold, and it's prolly the only time Lightning Z makes sense.
...thank you!...
[Aegix Dragon, Breaker, Darth and Mottzilla enter the store and walk past MasterSwordUltima, who's dressed in Wall*Mart employee clothing and greeting people as they enter the store]
MasterSwordUltima: Welcome to Wall*Mart.
Breaker: Cram it, ya corporate lacky!
Mottzilla: Where we headed?
Aegix Dragon: We've gotta find the television department. [The lights flicker and turn off. War Lord leaps into view in front of the boys, carrying an ax. The guys jump backwards and express surprise]
War Lord: Hey guys, these axes are only four ninety-nine.
Breaker: Dammit War Lord!
Darth: We know how to destroy the Wall*Mart!
War Lord: Shh! What are you talking about?
Breaker: One of the creators told us. You have to take your keys over to the television department.
War Lord: Television department... All right, come on, let's go! [The group moves down the aisle for some distance. Suddenly War Lord stops and jumps] Oh my God!
Mottzilla: What?
War Lord: Those two-dollar salt-and-pepper shakers! They were three dollars five minutes ago! The Wall*Mart is lowering its prices trying to stop us!
Breaker: Come on, we've got to try to make it to the back! [The group make their way to the back of the store, but War Lord can't help but look at all the bargains]
War Lord: Gaaahh! Don't look! Don't look at its bargains! [They come across a bunch of bikes priced at $29.99. They scream and run off. The guys run down another aisle, but War Lord isn't with them.]
Darth: I think I see the television department in the back!
Breaker: Is that the right way, War Lord? [He looks around, then turns to his right. Aegix Dragon turns to his left. Both of them see War Lord]
War Lord: This... this screwdrivier set is only nine ninety-eight!
Aegix Dragon: C'mon, we're nearly there!
War Lord: I can't make it, guys! You're gonna have to go on without me!
Aegix Dragon: But we need your keys!
War Lord: This bargain is too great for me! I'm gonna have to buy these! Here! Take the keys and go on! [He tosses the keys to Breaker, who catches them] The television department is near the back! Next to the cell phones! Go! Hurry! I'm gonna go buy these screwdrivers!
[The guys leave the aisle and reach the television department. The wall is lined with TVs of all sizes. A hand appears and presses a button, and all the TVs turn on, showing Breaker and Darth on screen. The camera pans over to the guys, who are looking at a man dressed in white.]
Man: Hello. Congratulations on getting this far.
Breaker: [Stepping forward] ...who are you?
Man: I am... Wall*Mart.
Darth: [Also steps forward] That makes absolutely no sense.
Wall*Mart: I've taken this form in order to talk to you. But I can take many forms. [He dons a bowler hat] Does this suit you better? Or perhaps you prefer this form? [He takes off the hat and puts on a robe] I can take whichever form I like. [He removes the robe and puts on a pirate hat and black patch over his left eye.]
Breaker: ...look, we don't want your store in our town. We've come to destroy you.
Darth: Right. So where's the heart?
Wall*Mart: To find the heart of Wall*Mart, one must first ask oneself 'Who is it that asked the question?' [Breaker and Darth look at each other]
Darth: ...me. I'm asking the question.
Wall*Mart: Ah, yes, but who are you?
Darth: ...I'm Darth Marsden. Or Chris, if you wanna be specific. Now where's the heart?
Wall*Mart: Ah. You know the answer, but not the question!
Breaker: The question is 'Where's the heart', you fruitloop.
Wall*Mart: Very well. You want to see the heart of Wall*Mart? It lies beyond that plasma-screen television. [The boys look to their right and walk over. They open a small door marked 'EMPLOYEES ONLY' and see themselves in a mirror]
Breaker: ...it's a mirror.
Wall*Mart: Yes, don't you see? That is the heart of Wall*Mart. You, the consumer. I take may forms: Wall*Mart, K*Mart, Target, but I am one single entity: Desire!
Breaker: [Turns to Darth] Well, the guy in Arkansas said to destroy the heart. [Darth ignites his saber and throws it into the mirror, which shatters]
Wall*Mart: Gaaah! NO! NO, what have you done?? [The building begins to rumble] Now you shall see my true form! [He removes the hat and eyepatch and puts on a baseball cap which reads 'Wall*Mart'] Now you see me as I truly am!
Breaker: We'd better get out of here. [Outside, Cloral wakes up and witnesses the Wall*Mart's self-immolation. Inside, the gang are making their way to the front doors]
Warlock: Get out! It's gonna blow! [The shoppers pay heed]
Breaker: Hey, come on! We've gotta get out!
War Lord: It's too late for me! I... I have to buy this stuff! [Darth bops him over the head with his saber and slings him over his good shoulder]
Darth: C'mon, this place is gonna blow! Everybody out now!
[CUT TO outside on the parking lot, night. The building begins to collapse as everyone gathers in the parking lot. The building implodes into a shining blue dot, then reappears as crap, which falls to the ground where the Wall*Mart once stood. Everyone looks on in astonishment, then Darth smiles and nudges Cloral]
Darth: See? Told ya. [He puts the waking War Lord down on the ground]
Kairyu: Guys, you did it! You killed the Wall*Mart!
PrrKitty: How'd you do it?
Breaker: All Wall*Marts start a self-destruction sequence if you break a mirror in the back.
War Lord: [Getting up] We... we know how to destroy it now. Spread the word to all the towns! [Nearby, a soldier sits at the ready to send out the news on a telegraph. At War Lord's command, he starts tapping rapidly]
Cloral: Wait. I think I understand the symbolism of the mirror. The Wall*Mart... is us.
Darth: Duh.
War Lord: No, I get it too. See, if we like our small-town charm more than the big corporate bullies, we all have to be willing to... pay that little bit more.
Cloral: Yeah. Let's all go shop at Riverman's down the street!
[The crowd approves and marches down the street. CUT TO Riverman's store, later. He reopens for business and the crowd flocks to his store. Later, the small store is replaced by a larger two-story building, which in turn is replaced by a huge building reminiscent of the departed Wall*Mart, which in turn leads to the store's demise by fire]
Crowd: ...Oh Lord, Kumbaya.
Cloral: All right, let's not make that mistake again.
Koopa: Yeah, let's all shop over at True Value!
[The crowd yell out in approval and move over to the store. Darth is left behind, his right arm now in a sling.]
Darth: God dammit.
THE END
That made my day; I can't wait for another one ^_^
Another? Ay carumba!
Fweeeeee! More more!
...maybe.
Lemme rummage around my South Park DVDs and see if I can find another good episode to parody/rip-off/bastardise.
Darthy - you knew we'd want more :) Just don't let us wear ya out <hug>.
I've got an idea for one or two, I'm just waiting to hear back from someone before I start another - trust me, there's a damned good reason for this. Also, it's a matter of tweaking them to suit my... 'purposes'. I have to do a fair bit of customization, even with the scripts available online.
Patience, people...
Pineconn to the rescue.Quote:
Originally Posted by Darth Marsden
I'm kind of running out of ways to praise you, so I might do it in haiku from now on.
I love this story
It is really great and stuff
I now want more-y.
:D
Thanks for that, Pineconn.
Anyway, I've heard back from that person I was waiting for, and they've asked me not to do what I had planned, which is perfectly understandable, given what it was. Give me a bit to come up with something else and then the parodies shall continue.
Yeah, normally I would have, but when you consider that I was looking to find someone to replace Mr Slave in this particular episode, you can see why I thought it best to ask.
Oh, I thought you meant you wanted one more person to post after your last chapter, not receive feedback from one person in particular. Gotcha.
..And I see why. That episode looks terrible.
When this contest is done with, I'm going to make some of my own skits.
...last one. For now.
[The AGN cafe, night. War Lord is closing up and is cleaning up while humming to himself in a contented manner. He's placing chairs upside down on top of tables when he hears a knock at the door. He answers it to find a square headed man and woman]
War Lord: Look, we're closed. Come back in the morning.
Man: Uh, we're not here for food. Are you War Lord?
War Lord: ...yeah.
Man: My name is Harry Gints and this is my wife Elise. We're from Canada.
War Lord: [Looks at them] Yeah, I can tell.
Harry: My wife and I used to own this restaurant a few years back. I'd inherited it and, well, we weren't ready for the responsibility of owning a store, so we... we put it up for sale. We heard you were the one who...
Elise: Oh God, Harry! [She rushes in] Look what they've done with this place!
War Lord: Ok, just what the hell is going on?
[A few minutes later. The new couple are sitting at one of the tables. After a minute War Lord comes from the back carrying three cups of coffee. He puts them on the table and sits down. Harry takes a sip from his drink]
Harry: It was a tough time for us. It was a tough time for all of Canada. The whole country was devastated by the cola wars. It just seemed we couldn't take care of a store, let alone a restaurant.
Elise: So we put it up on the market. But as the years passed, I, I just felt an emptiness in my heart. God, it's so good to see this place again!
War Lord: Well I wish you all the best, Mr. and Mrs. Gints, but to be honest, I think it would be best for everyone if you didn't come around again.
Elise: I don't think you understand. We didn't come to visit this place, we came to take it back.
War Lord: Wait... what?
Harry: We want to take back ownership off this place.
War Lord: WHAT? You gave this place up. You can't just change your mind!
Harry: Changing your mind is a Canadian custom that we hold quite dear. And besides, the new Canadian Prime Minister has issued a decree that all former Canadian property must be returned to it's original Canadian owners.
War Lord: The new Canadian Prime Minister? What are you, insane? This place belongs to me now!
Harry: It doesn't belong to you! It belongs to it's original owners... it's Canadian owners.
War Lord: Ok, that's it. I think you'd better leave. Now.
Elise: Please, don't make things difficult for yourself.
War Lord: Difficult for ME? You just waltz in here and tell me you're talking back MY hard earned property? Who the hell do you think you are?
Harry: We're prepared to go to court over this. We had hoped it wouldn't come to that, but if you're going to be this way...
War Lord: You're damned right I'm gonna be this way! I'll see you in court!
[CUT TO courtroom, a few days later. The Canadian couple are there, along with War Lord and most of the AGN regulars. War Lord stands before the judge.]
Judge: I'm sorry to say that my hands are tied. The new Prime Minister of Canada has authority this court cannot override. By Canadian law I must award ownership of the property to its original Canadian owners.
The Gintses: Yes!
War Lord: No!
MasterSwordUltima: Wait... where the hell are we gonna hang out now?
Warlock: [Turning to Darth, who's sitting next to him, his right hand in his pocket] Can't you do anything?
Darth: Not in a court of law. My parole officer made that quite clear.
[Outside the AGN cafe, which now has 'Sorry, we're closed' and 'Under new ownership' signs displayed. War Lord locks the door and hands the keys over to Harry Gint, overwatched by Warlock]
War Lord: Just... take care of it. Promise... promise me that.
Harry: Don't worry. We will.
Warlock: [Gives the Gints a look of disgust] You'd BETTER.
[The Gints recoil a little, then get into their car and drive away. Daarkseid looks on and watches them speed off before walking over to War Lord.]
Warlock: Can't we, I dunno, appeal or something? Maybe talk to this new Prime Minister of Canada?
War Lord: [Holding back tears] Appealing to the Prime Minister of Canada would take... time and money I just don't have.
[CUT TO another street. Daarkseid, Darth and Moocow are sitting on a bench running through a catalog which Darth has in his lap and is flicking through with his left hand. His right hand doesn't move from his pocket. He stops on the Doctor Who page and points to a Cyberman doll.]
Darth: That right there. The 12 inch tall fully flexible Cyberman action figure. THAT'S what I've ordered. I mean, everything else from this page is pretty good, but that thing in particular, y'know?
Moocow: Yeah, that would be pretty cool if you're into the show.
Darth: ...are you saying you're not?
Moocow: ...I just never really got into it.
Darth: I don't know you. You are a stranger to me.
Warlock: [Walks into shot] Hey guys. Can I talk to you?
Daarkseid: Sure. What's up?
Warlock: ...it's the cafe. I mean, it's been a week now and I just... I don't know what to do. I HAVE to try to go to Canada and speak with the new Canadian Prime Minister, but I can't do it alone.
Daarkseid: Look, we're all pretty down about it, but we'll find somewhere else.
Warlock: Please you guys, you don't understand. War Lord is devastated. Drunken Tiger just walks around the place like a zombie, and Beldaran can't stop crying.
Darth: Seriously? Beldaran's crying? Wuss.
Warlock: I've found the number for a really cheap airline to Canada. If we go as soon as possible, then-
Darth: Look man, we can't just up and go to Canada. The new series of Doctor Who starts at the weekend... it's like the social event of the century! [Moocow looks at him] Ok, year. Look, maybe we'll find some other way of getting the store back. Y'know, when the series has finished.
[The group start walking off. After walking a short distance, they find that most of the other AGN regulars have gathered around, holding some sort of meeting, which VEL is heading. They walk up and listen in.]
VEL: Ok, quiet guys. Let me speak. Now we know that War Lord has lost ownership of AGN cafe. So what are we gonna do about it?
gdorf: How about we get rid of all the Mexicans?
VEL: Gdorf, every time we hold a meeting you suggest we get rid of all the Mexicans, and every time we tell you 'NO!'
gdorf: ...rats.
VEL: Any other SENSIBLE suggestions?
Starkist: War Lord needs money to appeal that case to the new Canadian Prime Minister. How about instead of sitting around watching TV, we all take up a collection and try to raise money for him?
VEL: Yeah, that sounds good. Are we in?
Crowd: YEAH!
Saffith: How about we go one step further and cancel our TV licenses! Then we add the money we save from that to the collection!
Darth: [Slightly worried] Oh come on, that's just ridiculous... canceling your TV licenses... you wouldn't last a week!
Crowd: YEAH!
Darth: [Panicking] What? No!
Koopa: Yeah, I hardly watch the thing these days anyway!
Darth: [Losing it] You... you can't! Not this weekend! NO!
VEL: Ok, it's decided! We'll all cancel out TV licenses and give the money we save to War Lord!
Crowd: YEAH!
VEL: Let's get to it!
[The crowd quickly disperses as Darth falls to his knees]
Darth: KHAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!
Warlock: Look man, I'm sorry. But there is something we can do. We can go to Canada and see the Prime Minister like I said. If we can change his mind before Saturday, then these guys can get their licenses back in time for you to see your new episode.
Darth: [Getting up] You really think if we go to Canada I can still catch Doctor Who?
Warlock: It's worth a shot. Come on, you guys, we can do this.
Moocow: I'm up for it. I keep wanting to go on one of these adventures that have started have started happening lately.
Darth: Alright, fine, we'll go to bloody Canada. But so help you God Warlock, if this doesn't work and I miss the first episode of a show I've been waiting 9 months for, I am going to kick your freakin' ass.
...more soon...
That's the old Darth! Great stuff! I was afraid we weren't going to get a new chapter today. :cry:
...for the record, I did catch the new Doctor Who, but for some reason our Sky+ box decided to make BBC1 jump about, which was irritating...
[City Wok, night. A sign reading "Chinese Food For Teh Win" is displayed in the store, while the owner, Mr. Kim, sits at one of his tables with nothing to do]
Mr Kim: No business... Nobody wanna eat-a Chinese food. Looks like I might as well close. [A phone rings. He perks up and runs to get it] Oh boy! Some business! [He puts on his chef hat and grabs a notepad] Finally! [He grabs the phone and waits for the order] Herro? Chitty Wok, take ur orda prease! [CUT TO Warlock on the other end of the phone, with Daarkseid, Darth and Moocow in the background. Through the next sequence, it cuts between Mr Kim and Warlock]
Warlock: Uh, I must have the wrong number. We were trying to reach City Airlines.
Mr Kim: Oh, oh yes, just a moment prease. [He flips a sign over so it now reads "City Airlines" and switches to a captain's hat] Herro, Chitty Airrines. Can I help you take ur orda prease?
Warlock: Uh, we need to go to Canada. As soon as possible.
Mr Kim: Oooh, Canada. Ok, that's uh pretty far. Gonna cost ya a rot of money... hm... let's she. How many people?
Warlock: Four.
Mr Kim: Ok. Four people, Canada, cost a rot of money, that uh gonna be about ah six thousand five hundred daura.
Warlock: [He takes out his wallet and checks it] ...how about fifty daura?
Mr Kim: Fifty daura?! You flighn to Canada cost at reast three thousand daura!
Warlock: Fifty-five daura.
Mr Kim: Hey! Stop wasting my time wa fifty-five daura! No way I take my plane to Canada for less than a thousand daura!
Warlock: Ok. Sixty daura.
Mr Kim: Sixty-two daura.
Warlock: Done.
Mr Kim: Ok, meet me AGN Airfield, yellow Cessna, tail number 432G.
Warlock: Got it. [He hangs up]
Mr Kim: [Hangs up, then giggles] Hehehehe, never try to barter with a Chinese man.
[CUT TO AGN Airfield, night. A plane comes in for a landing in the background as the group approach the yellow Cessna. Darth is anxiously looking at his watch]
Darth: We have exactly fifty-two hours before the new series of Who starts. That means we have to be back in twenty-eight hours to still give ourselves enough time to renew our TV licenses so we can watch it and not get busted by those bloody cops who always seem to know about these things. Everyone synchronize watches on my mark. Mark. [They all sychronise their watches. Darth does this with some difficulty - his watch hand is still in his pocket]
Mr Kim: Herro, welcome Chitty Airrine. [Warlock and Darth move towards the plane. Daarkseid stops in his tracks, as does Moocow]
Moocow: Oh no, no no nono, I am NOT flying in that thing!
Daarkseid: Me neither!
Warlock: What? Why not?
Daarkseid: Look at that thing!
Warlock: What... it's fine. Come on!
Moocow: I am not going to die in a confined space with four people I barely even know!
Darth: Dammit, get in the plane before I throw you in there!
[CUT TO inside the Cessna. It's pretty cramped.]
Daarksied: Ah man, it smells like Kung Pao chicken in here!
Mr Kim: Okay, welcome aboard Chitty Airrines. This is your captain speaking. Rooking about a two hour fright. I'll be turning on the seatbelt sign now. If your seats have seatbelts, this is the time you will fasten them. Please sit back, relax, and enjoy your Chitty fright. [He turns off the intercom and takes flight after a small bump.]
Warlock: All right! We're going to Canada!
[Cessna 432G, day. The flight has clearly taken longer than two hours. The guys are sleeping in their seats - and so is Mr Kim. The plane begins to hit turbulence and lose power]
Mr Kim: Hey, turn off the right. ...Wha- oh! [A sudden noisy dip awakens the others]
Moocow: Wha... what's going on??
Mr Kim: Herro from the cockpit, this is your captain speaking. As you can see, it appears that we are goin' down. Now would be a good time to refrect on your rife, and pray to whatever deity you bereive in. Thank you for flying Chitty Airlines. We know you have a choice in airlines, and it looks like you made the wrong one. [He quickly puts on a parachute and opens his door to drop away]
Daarkseid: Hey, where the hell are you going?! [Mr. Kim jumps out and away. A few seconds later he pulls the rip cord and the parachute comes out]
Moocow: Quick, wake Darth!
Warlock: [First prods Darth, then hits him, then in frustration slams his head into the back of the seat] Dammit, he's out for the summer! Someone grab the controls!
[Daarkseid jumps into the front seat, grabs the controls and tries to steer the plane, with limited success. The plane makes a steep descent and crashes onto the ground. It flips over and crumples up, resting near a town. A lone 'Ow' is heard from Darth as the group scrambles out of the rubble and walks into the town. A pair of legs is seen at a nearby bench, but no head is shown. The guys are aware of being watched.]
Warlock: Guys... I don't think we're in AGN anymore... [As they look in one direction, four Canadians pop up from some bushes and look at them. They drop back into the bushes before the group turn back around]
Canadian Man: Eh-xcuse me? [A head pops up over the legs at the bench] Uh, is this an invasion?
Moocow: ...no.
Canadian Man: Oh thank heavens! It's okay. Everyone, it's not an invasion! [People come out of their hiding places. A man pops up out of a manhole mumbling something as the others mill around]
Warlock: Hey! We're in Canada!
Canadian Man: Well of course you are! And Canada Friends welcomes you!
Canadians: [The people start singing] Welcome, friends, to Canada! Canada Friends loves you!
We're just like any other country without the big tattoo!
Sailor: [Walks up, sings his line] We greet thee with pleasure, but one question, if we may?
Businessman: [Walks up and joins him in singing] What brings you folks to Canada? Why are you here today?
Warlock: Uh...
Daarkseid: A Canadian couple came over and took over our cafe, and we wanna talk to the new Canadian prime Minister about getting it back.
Canadians: [Still singing] Their cafe is their quest. The question is, is what? You must talk to the new Prime Minister if you think hangout is back there.
Darth: Oh, Jesus Christ.
Scott: [Walks into shot] Hey! What the hell is going on?!
Canadians: It's Scott! AAAAHHHH! [They all take off in different directions]
Moocow: What's the big deal? We've got a Sith Lord.
Darth: ...a Sith Lord with a freakin' headache, mind.
Scott: [Fixes his gaze on the group and approaches] A-ha! Americans! I should've known! You think you're the police of the world! You think you own Canada! Well, you aren't welcome here! Get out now!
Darth: I've had enough of this. [Ignites his saber and holds it threateningly] I'm a bloody Brit, and I'm armed, so piss off, you sodding little twat!
Scott: [Backs away] This isn't over, you American scum! I swear to God: you'll rue this day!! [Runs off]
Man in Barrel: [Emerges from hiding along with everyone else] God, what a dick!
Darth: [Turns saber off] Look, we don't have a lot of time here, Ok? Can you just tell us where the new Prime Minister is?
Doctor: The new Prime Minister doesn't live in this part of Canada. He's in Ottawa. [The other Canadians concur]
Warlock: So how do we get to Ottawa?
Wrestler: Oh that's easy. You just have to follow the road.
Daarkseid: Which road?
Firefighter: This is Canada. We only have one road. [He moves to one side and the crowd splits in two to allow the group through]
Priest: [Starts singing] Follow the only road
Man: [Also singing] Follow the only road
Canadians: [All singing] To go anywhere in Canada, you just follow the only road.
There's only one road in Canada. We call it the Road, the only road.
Hip-hip, hooray, let's hear it for our Road.
Road Workers: It's paved and wide and up to code.
Darth: [Holding his head in his left hand - his right is still in his pocket] Let's get the hell out of here.
Moocow: Word.
Canadians: [Still singing] You're off to see the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister of Canada!
Doctor: Good-bye, friends! Good luck with the new Prime Minister! And remember to watch out for Scott! He's a dick!
Canadians: Good-bye, good-bye, see ya, good luck, etc.
[The group walks down the only road, unaware that Scott, the dick, is watching them from behind a tree. He smiles evilly and starts jabbering away into a walkie-talkie.]
...more later...
That chapter was gold
Ew, what am I sitting on?
I think it is mold.
...Hey, I never said that my haikus would be any good. But I don't think you'll be able to catch Doctor in the story anymore.
Okay, the contest is over. Figure out who won, and let me know. Then we'll figure out how I'm going to get the prize to the winner.
I think we know who the winner is :P
Yeah there is no question who the winner is and I also want to read more of it :)
Okay, it's done it again. I'm in the middle of typing up the next bit of this thrilling epic, and suddenly Firefox leaps back a page, making me lose all my work. You know what? I don't want to do this anymore. Firefox hates me. It keeps having all these freaking pop-ups that I just can't stop no matter how many plug-ins and extensions I use and it's swallowed my work twice now and... Sniff IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!! All-out cries
I'll try again tomorrow, when I can summon up the energy to do so. Sorry to make you wait so long. Blame Firefox. I do. Grr.
KICK IT!!
It may not make it work but you'll feel better.
You know, there is a secret to making these posts. Always write your posts in notepad, then copy them over to the forums when you are ready to post. You will never be sorry that way. It's what I do. By the way, Marsden, you've won. Why don't you send me a PM, and we can discuss the delivery of your prize.
Really? Beldaran's was pretty good... :p
Yeah, this was no contest to begin with. Darth just has a pure talent... of copying other TV shows.
Yeah, but that's the EASY way. :D ...wait, I won? I won! I never win anything! Yay me! What do I win? A bunch of anime pictures? Oh...
[The road, sometime later. The group are walking onwards while Darth is checking his watch. He's taken it off his permanently-pocketed right hand and is holding it in his left]
Darth: Twenty hours until Who starts. We'll still have time to renew our licenses IF we hurry. [A mountie appears before them]
Mountie: Ahoy there, travelers.
Daarkseid: Who are you?
Mountie: I am Rick, the proud Canadian Mountie. [The camera zooms out to reveal that he's riding a sheep]
Sheep: Baaaah.
Moocow: I thought mounties were supposed to ride horses.
Mountie: [He hangs his head in shame] Yes. Yes, we are. But our funding has been cut and now we're forced to ride...
Sheep: Baaaah.
Darth: ...yeah. Look, if you don't mind, we're in a rush to see the new Prime Minister.
Mountie: [Perking up] You're going to see the new Prime Minister. Oh, I would so like to meet him myself. It's his strange new laws that took our horses away. Perhaps I will go with you.
Warlock: That's okay, we'd rather just go by ourselves.
Mountie: Follow me this way! [Starts singing as Darth puts his head in his hand] We're going to see the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister of Canada!
[The group, along with new recruit, continue down the road. The gang soon overtake the mountie, who encourages the sheep to speed up. When it doesn't, he sighs, gets off the sheep, picks it up and runs after the others. Zoom out to reveal that Scott is monitoring their progress over remote cameras]
Scott: Power-hungry Americans! I'll fix you! [Suddenly his walkie talkie comes to life. He picks it up]
Darth: I'M BRITISH, YOU SON OF A BITCH! [The walkie talkie goes dead]
Scott: ...how the hell did he do that?
[CUT TO further down the Road. Rick and the gang are passing through another town as Darth gets out his watch and checks it again]
Darth: Oh Jesus, eighteen hours. We're running out of time!
Mountie: All right boys, prepare yourselves. We're about to enter... French Canada.
Moocow: French Canada?
[Before them, lots of French Canadians cavort like it's Disneyland, with circus performers of all stripes doing what they do best. They start singing as Darth puts his hand over his ear. Realising this doesn't work, he presses his free ear in to his shoulder and winces a little]
French Canadians: There'z no Canada like French Canada, it'z za bezt Canada in ze land.
Ze ozer Canada is hardly Canada. If you lived here for a day, you'd understand.
Mime: Honh honh honnnh! Welcome to French Canada.
Hockey Player: We have everyzing your heart could desire. Trapezes. Trampolines. And lots and lots of cheese.
Artist: [He takes off his mustache and offers it to the group] Would you like a moustache?
Mountie: Just stay calm, boys. French Canadians are a little... odd. [Behind them, two of them walk by. One is dressed in blue and looks a bit like an alien. The other is dressed something like He-Man, with long flowing locks]
Warlord: Yeah... uh, don't mind us... we're just passing through to see the new Prime Minister.
Mime: Well first you must answer that phone. [He makes his left hand into a phone receiver with his little finger and thumb] Ring-ring. Ring-ring.
Darth: We don't have time for this!
Mime: You cannot pass through French Canada unless you take zat phone call! He holds out his 'phone'] Ring-ring. Ring-ring. [Daarkseid responds by making his right hand into a similar phone and answering]
Daarkseid: ...yes?
Mime: Allo! If you are going to see za new Prime Minister, then I want to go with you. He has passed a new law forbidding us French Canadians to drink wine.
Artist: How can ze French not drink wine?? Travestie!
Daarkseid: Ok, fine, you can come with us.
Mime: Honh honnnh! Very good! Let us make haste!
[The French Canadians escort the boys out and on their way with the Mime and the Mountie before bursting into song again. Darth repeats the process of covering his ears]
French Canadians: There'z no Canada like French Canada, it'z za bezt Canada in ze land.
And ze ozer Canada.
Mime: Is a bullzhit Canada
French Canadians: If you lived here for a day, you'd understand. [The group leaves the town behind]
Mime: I think you'd understand. ...You understand.
[SOmetime later. The group have arrived at Newfoundland. It's a dark forest, somewhat reminiscent of my back garden.]
Mountie: Oh my! This certainly is a desolate place!
Mime: It reminds me of death and fear. [Darth smiles at this in a 'I'm home' sort of way]
Warlock: Look, how much further to Ottowa?
Mountie: We must be very close now.
Scott: [Jumping out in front of them] Ey! What are you doing?!
Mountie: Ack! It's Scott!
Scott: What are you two doing helping these Americans?! Don't you know America thinks it owns Canada along with the rest of the world?!
Darth: For the last freakin' time, I'M BRITISH!
Scott: No, you're a dick! And by helping these guys, you two are just as smelly as they are! Now I'm going to get you!
Fisherman: [Exiting a nearby house with a fish in his left hand and a pole in his right] Not a-hire, Scott!
Scott: Who the hell are you?!
Fisherman: I'm Steve the Newfoudlander. And you'er on Newfoundland property now! Get off before I have you arrested!
Scott: Never! [Darth ignites his saber again] Ugh! This isn't over! Not by a long shot! I'll fix you. I'll fix all of you!! [He leaves in a huff. Steve draws closer to the group as Darth puts his saber away]
Mountie: Woo, that was a close call. Thank you, kind Newfie!
Warlock: God-damnit, I've had about enough of this. We need to get to the new Prime Minister... NOW!
Steve: Oh yeah, the Prime Minister, eh? He sure has screwed up things for Newfoundland. Life just hasn't been the same since he made sodomy illegal.
Mime: Well, come with us! Maybe you can ask him to take his sodomy ban away.
Darth: Whatever, can we just get going?
Steve: Yeah, sure, except there's just one problem.
Daarkseid: What?
Steve: You folks are goin' the wrong way.
Daarkseid: What?? But I thought there was one road in Canada.
Steve: Yeah. And you all went the wrong direction on it.
Mountie: Ohh, that's right. Ottawa is that way. [He points behind the group]
Mime: Of course. Ottawa left, Newfoundland right!
Moocow: [Grimacing] Oh no!
Darth: [Glaring at the mountie] How could you be so stupid!
Warlock: There's no way we can go all the way back. We'll never make it now!
Mountie: It's Ok, guys. The power is inside us to get to Ottawa! We can wish ourselves there!
Mime: Ah yes, let's wish ourselves there. [The three Canadians close their eyes and wish real hard]
Mountie: [Peeking with his left eye] Is it working?
Darth: Oh, God-dammit! Well I warned you Warlock! I told you if I missed the start of my show we were gonna throw down! [He puts up his fist] Well it's on! We're gonna have it our RIGHT NOW! [He grabs Warlock by the collar]
Steve: [Now in his boat at the end of a dock] Of course, we could always take my boat, eh?
Mountie: Oh yes! On the river we could travel to Ottawa in no time!
Warlock: Well come on! [Everyone hops into the boat]
Steve: Ok, next stop, the new Prime Minister. [The boat leaves the dock and goes on its way]
Warlock: Do you think we can still make it in time?
Darth: We'd better, man. Or you're dead.
Yes! Even the British make fun of the French! :D
Uh... let's see...
This part was better;
It is so Wizard of Oz;
Will Scott get wetter?
(Meaning Scott is like the witch, who died when she got wet, so I assume that Scott will die somehow. Y'know, I had to rhyme "better" with something.)
More more!
Yes yes!
In other news, why the heck do I have that URL in my sig? After clicking on it, it takes me to a website where I can download the source code for Zelda Classic. I don't know if I should download it or get rid of the link completely. I swear I didn't put it there.
Wait, ZC is open source? time to get hacking.