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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up at the local asualty ward and a hippie is wheeled out on a gurney. The doctor questions his long haired colleagues. 'So what was he on then?' asks the physician. 'Acid? Cannabis?'
'Sort of...' replies one of the hippies. 'But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff.'
'And what was in that?' asks the doctor.
'Uhh... we kinda raided my girlfriend's spice rack' says the hippie. 'There was a bit of cumin, some tumeric and a little paprika.'
'Well, that explains it' says the doctor gravely. 'He's in a korma.'
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Modern version of the birds and bees
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway.
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male. “
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
A man and his local vicar were playing golf. The man was having a terrible time on the green and kept missing crucial three-foot puts. The third time he missed one, he exclaimed 'Fuck, missed!'
'You should curb your language, my son' the vicar commented, 'or God will strike you down.'
At the next hole, the man missed another sitter, and again cried 'Fuck! Missed!'. The vicar again warned him about the virtues of an unclean tounge.
At the next hole the man missed yet again. 'Fuck!' he wailed, 'Missed again!' The vicar was livid. 'May God have mercy upon your soul, my son, for surely the Lord will strike you down.' As he was speaking, dark clouds built up over the green, and no sooner had the vicar fallen silent than an enormous bolt of lightning forked down... and turned the vicar to ash.
'Fuck!' came a booming voice from the heavens. 'Missed!'
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Gifts from God:
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen."
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
this thread is the ultimate joke
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
You're the Ultimate Joke.
A man goes into his young son's bedroom to check if he's alright after hearing a scream in the house. He finds the lad having a nightmare, so he wakes him up. The boy, shivering, says he dreamt that Aunt Susie had died. The father assures him that Aunt Susie is fine and tucks him back up. The next day, however, he gets a phone call - his sister Susie has died after falling down some stairs.
A week later, the lad has another nightmare - this time that his grandfather has died. The father assures the son that his granddad is fine and gives him a glass of warm milk to help him back to sleep, but sure enought, the next day his father has a heart attack and dies.
One week later, it's nightmare time once more - and this time the boy says he dreamt his daddy had died. The father assures the son that he's fine and tucks him back in.
The next day the father awakes, pertified. He's sure he's going to die. After dressing, he drives cautiously to work, fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch for fear of food poisoning. He avoids everyone, for sure that he'll somehow be killed, jumping at every noise, starting at every moment and hiding under his desk.
Upon getting home at the end of the day, he has to unburden himself to his wife. 'I've just had the worst day of my life!' he exclaims.
'You think your day was bad?' his wife replies. 'The milkman got run over this morning.'
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Yeah, Breaker is definitely the funniest SMod here. :p
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.... ..equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and says 'Ah, I see you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place, I'm afraid'. So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is let in with barely a second glance.
Pretty soon thoguh, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell and starts designing some improvements. Before long they've got air conditioning, fulshing toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God gives Satan a buzz on his mobile and says with a sneer 'So, how it's goin' down there?'
'Hey, it's going great!' replies the Devil. 'We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets, escalators, you name it! I can't wait to see what this engineer's gonna come up with next!'
Shocked, God says 'WHAT? You've got an engineer down there? Saint Peter musy have screwed up - he's not supposed to be down there! Send him back up!'
'No way!' replies Satan. 'It's never been better down here thanks to this guy! You're nuts if you think I'm getting rid of him.'
'Send him back up here now or I'll sue you for everything you've got!' yells God.
Satan laughs like there's no tomorrow. 'Who with?'
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
A woman from New Jersey and another woman were seated side-by-side on an airplane. The woman from New Jersey, being friendly and all, said: So,where are you from?"
The other woman said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The woman from New Jersey sat quietly for a moment and then replied:
"So, where are you from, bitch?"
-x-
This is actually real. It's not really a joke. It's just pretty funny for justice. :p
To those of you who are not familiar with Joe Arraio, He is the Maricopa Arizona County Sheriff, and he keeps getting elected over and over again. This is one of the reasons why:
Sheriff Joe Arpaio (in Arizona) who created the "tent city jail":
He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.
He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights Cut off all but "G" movies.
He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects.
Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.
He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked! up the cable TV again only let in the Disney channel and the weather channel.
When asked why the weather channel he replied, so they will know how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs.
He cut off coffee since it has zero nutritional value.
When the inmates complained, he told them, "This isn't the Ritz/Carlton If you don't like it, don't come back."
He bought Newt Gingrich' lecture series on videotape that he pipes into the jails.
With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record), the Associated Press reports: About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts.
On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before.
Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their pink socks.
"It feels like we are in a furnace," said James Zanzot, an inmate who has lived in the tents for 1 year. "It's inhumane."
Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to wear full battle gear, but they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your damned mouths!"
Way to go, Sheriff! Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to go out and commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.
That's pretty damn awesome. :p *Checks E-mail for more jokes*
-x- (Apparently.)
Ariel Sharon came to Washington for meetings with George W. and for a state dinner, Laura Bush decided to bring in a special Kosher chef and have a truly Jewish meal. At the dinner that night, the first course served is matzo ball soup. George W. looks at this and after learning what it is called, he tells an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew. The aide says that Mr. Sharon will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it. Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all, he ate sheep's eye in honor of Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and retrieves a piece of matzo ball and some broth. He hesitates, then swallows. A big grin appears on his face. He finds that he really likes it, and digs right in and finishes the whole bowl.
"That was delicious," Bush says to Sharon. "Do you Jews eat any other part of the matzo, or just the balls?"
*sigh* ... Okay guys, I've got more. :rolleyes:
Golden oldie . . .
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
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2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
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3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
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4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
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5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
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6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
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8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
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9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
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10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
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11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
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12 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
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14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
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15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
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16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.
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17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
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18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
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20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
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22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
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23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Okay, this one's slightly dirty. (Eh. I'm sure you can all handle it.)
A man was standing in line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and
said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said:
*sigh* "Cleanup, Register 5"
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
A rich, lonely widow decides she needs a man in her life, and so places an advert in the local paper. It reads: Rich widow looking for kind man to share life and fortune with. Must never beat me up or run away - and must be great in bed.
For several months her phone rings off the hook and applications pour through the letterbox - but none seem to match her qualifications. Then, one day, the doorbell rings and when the door is opened the woman finds a man with no arms or legs lying on the welcome mat.
'Who are you?' she asks, perplexed. 'And what do you want?'
'Your search is over' says the man. 'I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up, and I've got no legs so I can't run away.'
Unconvinced, she replies 'So what makes you think that you're so great in bed?'
He looks up at her smugly. 'Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?'
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Lawl!
Bushisms:
Can the English language survive after Bush?
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country. "
- George W. Bush
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- George W. Bush
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'. "
- George W. Bush
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
- George W. Bush
"The future will be better tomorrow. "
- George W. Bush
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world. "
- George W. Bush
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
- George W. Bush
" We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe We are a part of Europe."
- George W. Bush
"Public speaking is very easy."
- George W. Bush
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
- George W. Bush
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. "
- George W. Bush
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
- George W. Bush
" Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
- George W. Bush
" It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. "
- George W. Bush
"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
- George W. Bush
I don't care if you've heard them before, nor do I care who actually said it. Correct at your own convenience, while remembering that they're just jokes. If you don't know that, GTFO and look elsewhere for your politically correct humor.
-x-
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to g o to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced.
So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laugh ed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward!
who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Where'd you get the crappy hairdo?
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Some reader letters from the pages of Viz. You may be offended by one or two of these. You have been warned...
On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me like a Princess. He was as good as his word. He took me for a meal, got completely pissed and on the way home crashed the car into a concrete pillar at 120mph, killing me instantly.
-X-
What you don't know can't hurt you, or so we're told. Well last week I didn't know that a wasp had crawled into my slipper, and it hurt a great deal. Once again, the so called experts get it wrong.
-X-
Men live to an average of 70, whilst women carry on till they're 78. On my 70th birthday I fully intend to have a sex change operation in order to claim my extra 8 years. And I jolly well expect the NHS to pay for it!
-X-
If smoking is so bad for you, how come it cures salmon? Perhaps Tony Blair and his so-called 'New Labour' cronies could give us a straight answer to that.
-X-
Why oh why does Jerry mouse's cousin keep sending his kids to stay with Jerry despite the fact that he is almost constantly being chased by Tom the cat? Invariably their holiday consists of nothing more then a non-stop series of cat and mouse antics from which they are lucky to escape unscathed.
-X-
In the bible, why do they always use a capital 'H' on he or Him or His when referring to God, even if it's in the middle of a sentance? Does he get annoyed if you spell it with a little 'h' like I just have, and if so the what's he going to do about it?
-X-
Britain is littered with war memorials dedicated to 'Those who have laid down' and 'Those who have fallen' during two world wars. Has anybody considered building a monument to the poor sods who weren't bone idle or too clumsy to keep their footing and who actually got shot?
-X-
They say that laughter is the best medicine. My grandad had got Parkinson's disease and we've been laughing at him for months now, and he still hasn't got any better. So much for that theory.
-X-
I've just been struck by an enormous bolt of lightning. I am covered with boils and my house is full of frogs. I strongly recommend that when referring to God, always use the upper case 'H' on all personal pronouns.
-X-
I've got 58 pence to my name and I live in a cardboard box in Peterborough. With her huge overdraft, the Queen mum is £4 million worse off then me, yet she lives in 5 castles, has tons of jewelry and manages to keep on a huge number of staff. I'm not a communist or anything, but I wonder if someone could offer me an explanation.
-X-
To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's Worst Serial Killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name then any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr Shipman is 'Britiain's BEST Serial Killer'. Someone like Colin Stagg, who not only was arrested in connection with only one killing, but then turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'.
-X-
So a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, does it? Well, I'm an insulin dependant diabetic, and after following this advice I am now two months into a life threatening hyperglycaemic coma. Thank you very much, Mary fucking Poppins.
-X-
Why do old people insist on referring to World War I as 'The Great War'? Surely World War II, with its higher death toll and use of atomic weapons, was loads better.
-X-
There has been a proliferation his summer of car stickers informing us that 'Dogs Die In Hot Cars'. Thanks to this advice, I saved £45 in vet bills when I had to have my alsation put down when it got distemper.
-X-
I am a burglar, and recently, whilst in the act of nicking a load of stuff from an old widow's house, I tripped on the edge of her rug, spraining my ankle quite badly. I was unable to burgle for three months, so I called the Accident Help Line. The fixed me up with a greedy lawyer who got me £50,000, as her carpets should have been better secured to the floor. All that and her pension book too. What wonderful times we live in.
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
This is a true story that never happened.
A few friends and I had just gone swimming and were in the locker rooms changing back into our clothes, when the cell phone on the bench next to my friend's clothes goes off. He picks up the phone as he continues to change, says "Hello?" The person on the other end is loud enough to hear, so we can't help but listen in as they converse. It sounds like a woman on the other end. Judging by the coversation, we assume it to be his wife.
Hello?
Hi honey, you'll never guess what happened on the way home from work today!
... What?
Well, you remember that leather jacket I found yesterday that looked so good on me? Well I found it on sale for $1,000! Do you think I could get it since it's so cheap now?
.. Sounds like a good deal to me, I guess. Go ahead. :shrug:
Oh! While we're here, remember that Mercury Sable we saw for $75,000? Well now it's only $65,000!!! That's SUCH A good deal! I'm going to get it, okay honey?
... Uh, I guess that sounds like a good deal. If it'll make you happy, I guess.
Oh honey you're the best! Oh! I have even better news! Remember that 1.2 million dollar house that went off the market a few months ago? Well it's back on! We can get it now if we hurry! So what do you say darling?
Sounds good!
Oh you've made me the happiest woman on earth! *click*
...
So we're all standing around, looking at him.
"How the hell can you spend so much money? You already have a car, a nice house, and a leather jacket! Don't you have any restraint at all!!?!
He just looks at us; blinks, ... and asks, "Who's cell phone was that?"
More jokes!
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Side of Life:
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. : Bad it's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.
3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than your wife.
6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your 10 year old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.
7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend.
8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.
Thoughts become things... choose the good ones!®
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Some more letters from Viz:
I know that supermarkets try to make the 'shopping experience' more pleasant by instructing checkout staff to engage in banan chat. But when I want to hear the views of a urine fragranced geriatric racist, then I'll head to the local canal underpass and while away the hours with the local wino. At least their views on who's worst, the Japanese Yakuza or the Chinese Triads, extends to a greater debate then 'send the lot back where they came from'. So thanks to Sainsbury's in Glasgow's west end, for emplying people who would make David Irving blush. Thanks a sodding bunch.
-X-
For Valentine's day this year, I cooked my bird a microwave curry, popped the new Westlife CD on and did her from behind for the duration of the first three songs. Who said romance is dead?
-X-
My husband plays a joke on me every April Fool's day. Last year I was determined not to be caught out, but lo and behold he tricked me again. Knowing I like cats, he woke me at 3:00 and told me there was a basket of kittens stuck on our chimney. I immediately climbed out the window and shinned up the drainpipe onto the roof. When I got there and saw nothing but the television aerial I realised I had been had, but the joke wasn't over. When I got back into my room the cheeky devil had filled my slippers with broken glass! I'm determined he won't get me this year.
-X-
These days most shops have wheelchair access, but once inside the shop, the needs of the disabled are all but forgotten. Whilst in my newsagents the other day, I realised how difficult it must be for someone in a wheelchair to purchase a top-shelf magazine. They would have to ask someone to pass it down, which would cause great embarrassment. Wouldn't it be a good idea if newsagents had a pneumatic ramp by the magazines to lift wheelchairs up to the top shelf. It could be fitten witg flashing lights and a klaxon to warn other customers to keep clear of the mechanism when in operation.
-X-
(My favourite so far) On the 11th September last year, I moved into a flat with my girlfriend and, knowing full-well I would be expected to remember the anniversary of us moving in together, I was wracking my brains to think of a way to remember the date. Imagine my relief when I finally got the TV wired up in our new living room and saw the tragic events unfolding in New York, on a day that none of us will ever forget for many years to come. Thank god for international terrorism!
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Religion and the Bear
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment they would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you! KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
President Bush is visiting a school where a class is discussing words and their meanings. The teacher asks Dubya if he would like to lead a discussion of the word 'tradegy'. Bush asks if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy and a boy stands up.
'If my best mate was playing in the street and he got run over, that'd be a tradegy.'
'No' says Bush, 'that would be an accident, son.'
A little girl then raises her hand. 'If a school bus drove off a cliff and everybody died, that'd be a tragedy.'
Bush shook his head. 'We'd call that a great loss, missey.'
The room goes quiet. Finally, after an embarrising silence, way at the back of the room the teacher, fed up of the president's responses, raises his hand. 'If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs Bush, got hit by a missile and blown to bits by a terrorist, THAT'D be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' says Bush. 'And can you tell everyone why that would be a tragedy, son?'
'Well' says the teacher 'it's wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss.'
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
then he walks up to the bar tender and says,"she's drivin' me nuts!"
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Actual 9-1-1 calls:
=======================
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before an d I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn... I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Called out to a fire at a fashionable apartment block, a fireman arrives to find flames puring out of an upstairs window, and a woman screaming. Donning protective gear, he climbs the ladder, enters the flat... and spies a curvy brunette in a see-through nightie.
'Amazing' says the fireman. 'You're the third pregnant girl I've rescued this week.'
'Hey!' shouts the girl, indignantly. 'I'm not pregnant!'
'Yeah' the fireman smiles 'but you're not rescued yet either.'
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Not quoted from a website:
The fireman football star:
A football star and his entourage(sp?) happen to pass by a burning building. A women from the street yells to him to catch her cat. He looks up and sees a cat jumping into his arms. "This is my chance to impress everyone," he thinks. He runs a little down the block and catches the cat in his arms.
The crowd behind him goes wild! They shout his name, praise his greatness, and exalt his deeds. The football player raises his arms in triump, dances around, and spikes the cat on the sidewalk and dances away with his entourage.
Heh.
Greeting cards Hallmark never made:
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ///////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
################################################## ##
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
************************************************** ******************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
When we were together,
You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop .
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
================== ===================================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do
Something special for your birthday
So we're having you put to sleep.
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
I've only just noticed, but we're over 60 posts into this thread. Doin' good!
-X-
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
'It's a period' said the little boy.
'Well, I can see that' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?'
'Damned if I know' said the little boy, 'but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.'
-X-
A bartender is getting ready to close for the night when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun.
'This is a stickup!' He yells. 'Put all your dough in a bag!'
'Don’t shoot!' pleads the barkeep. 'I’ll do whatever you say!'
The bartender stuffs all the money into a bag and hands it over. The crook snatches it and then puts the gun to the bartender’s head and says, 'Anything?'
'Anything!' comes the reply.
'All right... give me a blow job!'
The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing the guy. After a few minutes, the robber gets so excited he drops his gun.
The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and hands it back to the robber. 'Hold the gun, dammit' he says. 'One of my friends might walk in!'
-X-
A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone. One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.
'It’s getting late, big boy' she says after a few minutes. 'Why don’t we go upstairs to bed?'
'We might as well' slurs the husband. 'I’m going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.'
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
TILL DEATH DO US PART
Mildred, 93, was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
A young boy was feeling inqusitive. 'Mum, is it true people can be taken apart like machines?'
'Of course not sweetie' she replied. 'Where on Earth did you get such an idea?'
'From Daddy' says the boy. 'He was talking on the phone to someone and he sais he was screwing the arse off his secratary.'
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
I found this one on another forum. I lol'd so much I just HAD to bring it here.
Women Skinny Dipping
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,
"I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
------------
this one is from my old french teacher (mr. Brault). he was a master of jokes and puns. anyway, he claimed that he knew all of the important people in the world.
he told us about some of his earlier french students:
(they didn't believe me, they said, "ok! fine! prove that you know our prime minsiter personally!" so we took a trip to parliament hill, and went inside. there was a meeting in session, but then when the Prime minister heard I was there, he ushered us all in, even though it was a private meeting.
the stutends were shocked, but then they said "ok, so you know the prime minister! but there is no way you know the Pope! if you do, we will do detentin with you for the rest of of our years at this school!". so we took a trip to rome, and I went to see him. when I cam eout, with my hand on his shoulder, I looked up, and saw the whole class, fainted. I told them later, that they didn't have to serve all the detentions, and they said "no sir, that's not why we fainted. It's the woman behind us. when you came out, she asked her friend: who is that man there with Mr. Brault?")
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Blonde's Diary:
Dear Diary, Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year. Namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! (I told him) There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument.
--------x--------
THE DONKEY RAFFLE
A young hillbilly named Kenny, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "well, then, just give me my money back." The Farmer said, "can't do that. I went and spent it already." Kenny said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey." The farmer asked, "what ya gonna do with him?" Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer said, "you can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Kenny said, "sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "what happened with
that dead donkey?" Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998" The farmer said, "didn't anyone complain?" Kenny said, "just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny eventually became the chairman of Enron.
--------x--------
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation escape by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some outrageous shorts, shirts and sandals. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their tourist garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a string bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually; then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they we're priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you saw them. Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, this time topless with just a thong bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, she said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away. One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute young lady." "Yes, Father?", she said. "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"
"Father, it's me, Sister Margaret"
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
I dunno if you guys have heard these yet, but I thought these were funny, and they're the only one's I know.
A pirate has a steering wheel down his pants and someone asks, "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" and he says "Arr, it's driving me nuts."
I know, it's dumb, but this next one is funny.
Question: What do you call a psychic midget running from the police?
Answer: A small medium at large.
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
If you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended. It really works. Just take a few seconds and focus on each step.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "The World."
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See, you're smiling already.
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. When he's finished, his friend says "Wow. That was nice of you."
The other man replies "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
-X-
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” before handing it to the clerk.
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog “There's only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” The dog replied “That wouldn't make a lick of sense!”
-X-
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment before replying "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
-X-
...and finally, one for the kid in you...
Knock Knock!
Who's There?
POOP!
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
A man comes home from work, sit down in his favorite chair, turns on the
TV, and tells his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looks a little puzzled, but brings him a beer. When he finishes it, he
says, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looks a little angry, but brings him a beer. When it's gone,
he says, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" she shouts, "You jerk! You waltz in here, flop your fat butt
down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your
slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day
long?"
The husband sighs. "Oh no, it's started.
__________________________________________________ ___________________________
A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend's house for a play date when the little girl asks "Mommy," how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replies sweetly. "It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, a bit less sweetly. "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That's enough questions, young lady, honestly!" mom says as her daughter is getting out of the car.
The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." Now mom's getting mad. She says, "Oh really? And just why is that, young lady?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Diary Of A Snow Shoveler
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the
best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and
felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect
life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says
we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice
man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took
my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon
and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this
way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes
out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets
on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit
it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably
won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to
go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed,
pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire
Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he
says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says
she did but I think she's damn well lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his
balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour
and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife
wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents,
but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I
hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her
mother . 9" predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
A guy took his blonde girlfriend on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch a thing. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, the guy catches a fish.
As theyre driving home they're really depressed. The guy turns to his girlfriend and says "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The girlfriend says "Wow! Its a good thing we didnt catch any more!"
-X-
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago" the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you nuts? I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The bum was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied "Hey man, that's OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf!"
-X-
A married couple is driving down the interstate at 55 mph with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says "I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says "I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.
She says "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says "No, I've got everything I need right here."
She asks "What’s that?"
The husband replies, just before they hit the wall at 90 mph "I've got the airbag."
-X-
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
In heaven, God asked men and women to get into separate lines. Then he asked the men to split into the lines: Ones that listen to their wives, and ones that don't listen to their wives. All went into the line that listened to their wives except one. Then God Shouted: Why are you in this line? I made man rule over women! The single man then replied: My wife told me to.
Clean joke: Fred Was Dirty. He Took A Bath With Bubbles.
Dirty joke: Bubbles Is The Girl Next Door.
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Recently i spoke with a friend about the mess that this country is in and of course I could not blame the nations president, however those people that elected him, now they surely can be blamed. "Not so fast" my friend responded, my friend went on to give me the following perspective of whom I would be placing the blame on. Here is some food for thought.
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.
Caution! These people Vote!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for some time.) she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff"
She ALSO votes!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific"
He ALSO votes!
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving"
She ALSO votes!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. My sister ALSO votes! (Something my Ex-wife would do.)
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount
He ALSO votes!
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
My friend ALSO votes!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
SHE ALSO votes!
While eating at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before> responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6.
Yep, he votes too. Now you know who elects the politicians
At the Russian War College, a general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three, Sir?"
"Yes, comrades, it looks like you will," answers the general.
"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China." The class is surprised, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews have been fighting against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."
"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews?"
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
A woman is rushed into hospital in labour with twins, sadly it turns out that she has a rare condition which causes her to slip into a coma when she feels extreme pain. Six months later the woman wakes up in her hospital bed.
"Doctor!" She asks "What happened to the children?"
"Don't worry madam" He replied, "The children are fine, you have a strong yound lad and a beatiful baby girl. Your brother collected them, named them and is now looking after them."
"Oh no! My brother is an idiot" She cried. "What did he name them?"
"Well your daughter's name is Denise" The doctor informed her.
The woman breathed a sigh of relief before asking "What about my son?"
"Denephew" The doctor replied.
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In bed with her lover after several hours of passionate lovemaking, Brenda's phone rang. She told her lover, who was also her husband's best friend, to be very quiet. As she answered the phone, he listened quietly to her cheerful side of the conversation.
"Hello? Oh, hi. Oh, really? Well, that sounds wonderful! I'm so happy for you! Great! Okay, have a good time. Bye!"
She hung up the phone and her lover asked "Who was that?"
She replied "That was just my husband, telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
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One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. Hed walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.
She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldnt believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 68" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers "Who are you?"
The biker answers "I'm Cess."
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet. Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks. He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"
You're laughing aren't you..I know you are!!!
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Oh man, that was gross!
And we're over 75 posts! Yay!
A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he’s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.
"My darling" he writes. "It looks like we’re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation’s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."
His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading "Why don’t you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says "I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"
But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let’s see how well you play that harmonica."
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The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu."
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
"Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu."
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A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled "Um ... no..."
The lawyer interrupts "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
hi, i've read most of the jokes, and i have plenty of them... I'm mexican so I'll give my best to translate to english...
there was a little parrot who never did anything, neither good nor bad, and he goes to heaven. and god told him: "hey, i can't allow you to enter the heaven, you haven't done anything and we can't judge you... we'll give you 1 day to go down there and do something so we can judge you"
the parrot, now having a new chance, thinks of what he can do to enter the heaven, and while he was thinking he sees a beautiful, little white pigeon, and he thinks "oh yeah! I'll rape her and then i'll kill her, then i'll repent and voila! they will judge me and i'll be on heaven!" he does that and then he die.
once in heaven he sees the door closed and god was all scared and overwhelmed, and the parrot ask him: "hey god, what happened? am I going to enter heaven or not..."
and god iterrumps him exclaiming:" please wait a little, we can't do anything right now, somebody has raped, and killed the holy ghost!!!"
hehe, i hope some of you had understand it...
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
I understood it fine. Very silly.
Since I've posted some jokes about women, I thought I'd even the balance out with these.
Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: "What Men Know About Women"
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One ... men will screw anything.
Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know .... it's never happened.
Q: What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.
Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I can do better.
Q: What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: 1. No mind. 2. No business.
Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and Filthy but wearable"
Q: Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it."
A: Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?"
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. It's worth reading to the end!
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does ! it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what! were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTOR! NEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy! started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
BTW. People are doing experiments with Diet Pepsi and Mentos Check 'em out Here.
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Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Oh man. The same type of experiments as putting a bunch of brown sugar into a bottle of Coke? Good times.
A rich man and a poor man are talking about what they gave their wives for Valentine's Day. The rich man says "I got my wife a Mercedes and a 3 CRT. diamond ring."
The poor man asks "Why did you get her both?"
"Because if she doesn't like the diamond, she can always drive to the store and take it back...what did you get your wife?"
The poor man replies, "I got her slippers and a dildo."
The rich man says "Why did you get her a dildo?"
The poor man says, "So if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."
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A couple had been married for several years when suddenly the wife decides she'd like to have breast implants.
The husband says "Now, honey, you know we can't afford that kind of thing right now."
"But I see you looking at other women" pleaded his wife "and I want to be as attractive as they are to you."
Days go by and the wife keeps insisting she needs breast implants, despite the protests of her husband. Finally, the husband has had it. So he says to his wife "Honey, I have an idea. Every day, about twice a day, wad up some toilet paper, then rub it between your breasts. Repeat it 3 or 4 times each time."
"You think that'll make my breasts larger!?" asked his wife.
"Why not?" says the husband. "It worked on your ass!"
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A woman goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!
"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"
The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks "What's wrong?" She explains the situation with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"
In shock, the store manager pleads "Ma'am, why are saying you that?"
In a huff, the woman says "BECAUSE I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!
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This one's a little long, so bear with me. It pays off in the end.
A driver is pulled over by a police man. Leaning out the window, the driver politely asks what's wrong, to which the policeman tells him he was speeding and asks for his license.
The driver politely informs the cop that he doesn't have one. The cop asks why, and the driver replies that he lost it after being caught drink driving for the fourth time. Caught a little off guard, the cop asks to see the man's vehicle registration papers, but again the driver declines. When asked why, he calmly informs the officer that he stole the car, then goes on to explain that he raped and mirdered the original driver, and finsihes by telling the policeman that her body is in the trunk if he'd like to have a look.
The officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes half a dozen police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun and demans that the driver exit the vehicle.
Calmly he does so, and turns to the senior officer and asks what the problem is. The officer replies that his colleague had informed him that the driver had stolen the car and murdered the owner. The driver is stunned, but complies when the officer asks him to open the boot. It's empty.
The officer asks the driver if he can prove this is his car, and the driver reaches into the front and produces both his vehicle registration papers and his drivers licence. The officer examines them both and hands them back. He looks quite puzzled, and apologises to the driver, explaining that he had been told the man had raped and murdered the original owner of the car.
The man calmly replies "Bet you he said I was speeding, too."