Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of
fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
ROFLOL!! Shadowbabe... I can't say as I blame you <giggle>.
Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified
1] My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
2] A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
3] Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
4] "Hi. Now you say something."
5] "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."
6] "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"
7] (From Japanese friend) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!
8] "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
9] "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."
10] "This is not an answering machine -this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."
11] "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
12] "Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
13] "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."
14] Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
15] Hello, you've reached Jim and Gloria. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right .... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Copied and pasted directly from the E-mail. Don't tell me that you've heard these before, because I don't want to hear it.
This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip any, you have to read the last one! Unbelievable, but insist they are true. . . .
=================================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello.. I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah...................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
The ABCs of ex-girlfriends. In honour of the movie My Super Ex-Girlfriend, which I saw recently and didn't hate.
A is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you, you twit, she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B is for Bitter.
Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C is for Call ya later.
She won't. She never has before.
D is for Dumped.
Does D need to be explained?
E is for Eating like a pig.
Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F is for Friends.
That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G is for Gun.
And yes, there is a waiting period.
H is for Horny.
Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I stands for I still hate her.
Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J stands for Jim.
This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K stands for Kill.
Her, that is. And Jim. Grr.
L is for Love.
It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties. L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M stands for Mephistophiles.
That is who she worked for.
N stands for Necropheliac.
She didn't move very much, did she?
O is for On top.
When on top she has another O word.
P is for Pill.
She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q is for Quitter.
She couldn't last.
R is for Rich Little Bitch.
She bought my love but I paid for it.
S stands for Suffer.
That's what she made me do.
T is for torture.
Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
U is for Understatement.
Which is saying that you hate that bitch.
V is for Voluptuous.
That is the primary reason you were dating her in the first place.
W stands for Whine.
She was a pro at this.
X is for Xylophone.
Because X is always for xylophone.
Y stands for You suck!
God, she yelled that at you a lot, didn't she?
Z stands for ZIPPER.
This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"
. stands for period.
Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.
Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Once again, copied directly from an E-mail. I don't care whatsoever how real these sites are.
It's bad enough sending out an email without doing a quick proofreading pass, but imagine applying the same lack of care to your web site. I'm guessing some of these individuals are still clueless.
These are REAL:
1. A site called 'Who Represents ' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name is
www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company.
www.powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales :
www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe ? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com
Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know,the more you make.
Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
i just thought that this was amusing:
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-
year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag
is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas.
Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
A teenager runs down the hill to school buttoning up his shirt. when the techer asks him where hes been he says "on top of Cherry Hill" so he sits down.
The next day the teenager runs down the hill to school putting on his shoes. when the techer asks him where hes been he says "on top of Cherry Hill" so he sits down.
The next day the teenager runs down the hill to school Pulling up his pants. when the techer asks him where hes been he says "on top of Cherry Hill" so he sits down.
The next day the teenager walks down the hill with a girl. when the techer asks who she is she say "Im Cherry Hill"
Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
I love this one.
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue: "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."