Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Yeah! We've hit 100 posts! Booyah!
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
The Top 15 "Star Wars" Euphemisms for Masturbation
15.Shooting Womprats in Beggar's Canyon
14.Grooming the Wookie
13.Making the Kessel Run
12.Polishing Vader's Helmet
11.Evacuating Tatooine
10.Unsheathing the Meatsaber
09.Releasing the Special Edition
08.Jumping to Delight Speed
07.Communicating with Red Leader One
06.Lightsaber Practice with Captain Solo
05.Tinkering With the R2 Unit
04.Manually Targeting the Rebel Base
03.Performing the Jedi Hand Trick
02.Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears
and the Number 1 "Star Wars" Euphemism for Masturbation...
01.Test Firing the Death Star
Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise for himself and his girlfriend.
The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three day cruise.
The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine's and three condoms.
Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five day cruise.
The guy said, 'I'll take it,' and returned to the same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamine's and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight day cruise.
The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said 'Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?'
Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
The Top 12 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love
"Ahhh! Yoda's little friend seek you!"
"Excuse me while I put a shield on my saber, Sweetheart."
"Now you know why they put one of me in every Happy Meal, do you."
"Cuddling, afterplay -- a Jedi craves not these things."
"Down here, I am. Find a ladder, must I!"
"Do me or do me not -- there is no try."
"Early must I rise. Leave now must you!"
"You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz's hand up my ass."
"Happens to every guy sometimes this does."
"When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?"
"Who's your Jedi master? WHO'S your Jedi Master?"
and the Number 1 Thing Uttered by Yoda While Making Love...
"Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!"
The Top 16 Fatal Things to Say to Your Pregnant Wife
"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"
"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
"Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
"Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
"Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!"
"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
"Got milk?"
"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
"Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
and TopFive's Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife...
"You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass."
The Top 15 Euphemisms for "Getting Your Period"
Miss Scarlett's Come Home to Tara
Trolling for Vampires
A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy
Saddling Old Rusty
Feelin' Menstru-riffic!
Clean-Up in Aisle One
Massacre at the Y
T-Minus 9 Months and Holding
Game Day for the Crimson Tide
Panty Shields Up, Captain!
Taking Carrie to the Prom
Playing Banjo in Sgt. Zygote's Ragtime Band
Ordering l'Omelette Rouge
Arts and Crafts Week at Panty Camp
and the Number 1 Euphemism for "Getting Your Period"...
Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System
Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! HERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
The Top 13 Rejected Pokemon Names
Jigglybutt
Herpekachu
Bongbuzz
Rastamon
Chepejapaneztoi
Fartachu
Mommysbroke
Pustulette
Wakamole
Guntotingoth
Watchutawkinboutwillis
Tracilords
and the Number 1 Rejected Pokemon Name...
Liberachee
Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
There were three brothers who bought a three story house. The eldest brother had the top floor, the middle had the middle floor, and the youngest got the bottom floor.
A little while after they moved in, the eldest brother brought over his girlfriend. During that night, the two younger brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.
The next morning, the younger brothers asked their brother what the noise they'd heard last night was.
He replied, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl."
The middle brother was excited by that, so he brought over his girlfriend the next night.
During that night, the two other brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.
The eldest and youngest asked him what the noise in his room last night was. He replied, "Click- turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl."
Now, the youngest brother was really excited. So he brought over his girlfriend, and that night, the older brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
In the morning, the older brothers asked him what the noise in his room was.
So, he said, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-landed on the bedpost!
Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER:
1. Sag, You're it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Doc Goose
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners
To: former Floridians, current Floridians, future Floridians, and/or those who know a Floridian.
We're about to enter the hurricane season Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
So we'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages.
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
"Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida" you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers standing right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck and remember: it's great living in paradise! Those of you who aren't here yet you should come. Really!
Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
If you are a woman...
1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
2. If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret, girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
3. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
4. It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
5. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
6. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
7. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
9. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
10. Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
11. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
12. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
-X-
One Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived, and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach the step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reaches back and unzipps her skirt a little.
She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reaches back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reaches back and unzips her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifts up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrased the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turns around furiously and says, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!”
Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.”
Re: The Ultimate Joke Thread
Southern Grandma
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state, not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."