Dealing with breakups?

[Aegix Drakan]

Choo choo all aboard the depression hype train. >_>

Sooo....yeah, my life just took a turn for the awful.

First of all, I am now at the point where I absolutely need to drop the only university course I'm getting credit for this semester because the midterm was the most awful thing ever and there's no goddamn way I'm passing at this point.

And then, of course, this is just about the exact timing that my (now ex) GF takes to break up with me (on Friday)

We'd been together for 3 years. The reason she gave was that she hadn't been feeling the romance for a long long while, and while she really did want to try to bring it back because "I was the most perfect incredible person she knew", she just never felt it come back, no matter how hard she tried.

I'd noticed some points where things got a little bit "distant", but she always bounced back really quick, so I thought it was some school worries or something. Also, I haven't felt the "spark" I guess you coudl call it for a while, but I chalked it up to my naturally low libido, and I was satisfied with the emotional aspect so I didn't worry too much.

So yeah. We're still (probably) going to be friends (at least once I've gotten over the awkward phase), but it really hurts. Worst part is I can't exactly blame her, if she'd been having serious doubts for almost a year, and I can't blame a third party because there isn't one. I can't even blame myself, because she stressed that I had done everything perfectly and told me that it wasn't my fault she felt that way. So I've got a cracked heart and hurt feelings with no one to blame them on, not even myself.

Spent the day of the breakup drinking to numb the pain (I made sure not to overdo it) and talked with close friends over skype and had a friend come over, and I spend most of today being miserable, having the atypical breakdown (it seems my body really needed that, and not my mind, weirdly enough) and then recovering and playing nothing but persona 4 all day. And I'm going to a housewarming party that my best friends are hosting tomorrow, so it'll be good to see them in person and all that.

So...Yeah. Just lost the one part of my life I thought I had figured out. Feeling better since the incident, but still kinda a mess inside.

...Any tips from previous victims? (this was my first relationship, and I took it really slow because she didn't want to rush into things. No, we didn't get down at dirty at all, she was never ready to make that jump)

[Chris Miller]

Sorry it had to happen. :(
There's no quick fix. You'll just have to wait it out.

[SUCCESSOR]

I am terribly sorry. How old are the two of you? I have been in a similar situation. You will probably be severely deprressed for a week or more. Just try to keep moving. What I am going to recommend will probably cause objection from you but I assure you it's for the best.

It will take a long time for you to get over the change in relationship and be possible for the two of you to have a healthy friendship(if possible). You should spend very little time with her or, if possible, none at all. If you cannot be apart from her then you should set solid boundaries. Basically don't interact with her in a way you wouldn't with a friend.

You should get therapy. I am not saying get a psychiatrist or anything. You will need help to deal with the situation and how to move on and improve your life on your own. School and communities often offer counselors for free or cheap. Take advantage.

You should spend time focusing on self improvement and no time trying to fix the relationship. It didn't work. It is most likely because the two of you were not only unsatisfied with the other person but also yourselves. Even if you can't admit it. It is hard to admit to yourself that the person you love disappoints you especially in a fundamental way, subtle or not. If you became incompatible because you were together then that means you probably aren't going to be very good as resolving it together.

Don't hope that you'll get back together. It is possible yes. If it does happen someday then hopefully the two of you will have grown enough for it to work. If you spend time and energy on hoping for it to happen you will slow and possibly prevent yourself from getting over the break up and will do yourself no good.


This is personal advice. Probably advise most suitable to me. I am not a conselor or anything. Feel free to take it or leave it.

[Aegix Drakan]

Generally good advice. Most of it was I was gonna do anyway.

I'm 26, she's 25.

We share a class together. I'm missing the next one we have, and I'm going to change my seating position when I do go back. Also, if she approaches me, I'm basically going to tell I need space and time. Eventually, when the dust settles, I want to talk with her at length about what led to this, and get some answers and get some stuff off my chest. Basically going to ask for my space until I can reset myself. Then I can rebuild the friendship.

As for therapy maybe. Might have time, might not, I'll see. I HAVE been thinking about finding a good shrink to talk about other weird problems I have anyway.

Also, I was mostly satisfied with the way things were. I just chalked up my fading attraction to my naturally low libido (and everyone I talked to telling me it was natural for the feelings to fade over time and to fill it with companionship). So I filled the void with companionship and it felt alright. While I DID think more in the relationship would be nice, I was satisfied with the emotional aspect and was willing to wait for her (which she told me several times she was REALLY grateful for. She appreciated me not pressuring her to take things further)

As for hooking back up, not likely. When she left me, I did tell her that if she changed her mind, to let me know...But after letting it sink in and having the cliche breakdown moment, I don't see myself being able to do that. Not for a long goddamn time. "bite me once shame on me, bite me twice and I'd have to be a moron" kinda thing. If we ever DO hook back up, it'd have to be maybe 10 or more years in the future with us both looking for a stable relationship and neither of us looking for tons of excitement and stuff. But I doubt it. I just don't see myself opening myself up to the same kind of pain again, especially if "lack of romantic feelings" was the cause of the breakup.

Anyway, I'm feeling mostly better, going to spend the day with friends. Once I'm over this (gonna be a few months, probably), going to open my eyes again for other girls. Before that, though? Not a good idea. "rebound girls" are never a good idea.

ty for the support guys.

[ZTC]

As having/trying to get over a broken engagement from last year, it's absolutely terrible to deal with. As you mentioned before, you were talking with friends and stuff afterwards and that's something good to do. Keep yourself occupied and do things, tell your friends to help you keep occupied as well. It'll help even when it you think it may not. If you have the option to go the therapy route, I say do it.