Make Your Own News Story!

[Darth Marsden]

Since we seem to be getting an influx of news stories here lately (Hi Prry!), let's have a thread where we all make up our own. Doesn't matter how silly it is, just make it read like a news story. Like this:

Federal Government Forgets Katrina Anniversary
08-29-2007 12:59 PM

NEW ORLEANS (FNN (http://www.fnn247.com/article/topstories.jsp#art2965) 24/7) -- New Orleans marked the second anniversary of Hurricane Katrina Wednesday, though many residents of the Gulf Coast region felt slighted that no one from the federal government showed up as promised to acknowledge the occasion.

"I'm not sure if we should wait or just start without them," said resident Robyn Olds, on hand for a groundbreaking ceremony at a memorial for still-unidentified victims.

"Oh, shoot," said President Bush, when reminded of the anniversary. "That was today, wasn't it."

To make up for his absence, the president had someone call his cell phone - which he set to a chime ring to symbolize the sounds of bells tolling for the dead.

"Obviously, some mistakes were made," said government spokesman Aaron Walker. "We hope to learn from what happened today so that our response will be faster when future anniversaries occur."

[Darth Marsden]

Oh come on! Have you seen how many posts that woman is making about news stories? (Wuv you Prry :D) Someone make fun of her already!

[biggiy05]

Breaking news!

Local Brit tries to make fun of fellow member, backfires in his face! More at 6.

[Trevelyan_06]

Arizona- The small town of Burg has only 3,500 souls dreaming away under its hot dessert sun. That's not a very impressive number until you dig a little deeper. It's then that you find out that 95% of that population is homosexual.

Needless to say the town has been an object of scorn to the so-called "Moral Majority". The town has watched with fear and suspense as state after state considered anti-homosexual legislation. Now however, they've grown tired of just passively waiting. They've decided to do something about it.

Today, they announced what that something is. At the latest town meeting the board of Aldermen passed their own legislation, one that is sure to anger the moral majority. The town of Burg has made different sex marriage illegal. The only type of marriage now legal in Burg is same-sex.

Brent Savage, mayor of Burg, explains, "We just looked around us. I mean the moral majority says gay marriage is wrong because in their cities different sex marriages are the norm. Well in our town same sex marriages are the norm, don't forget our population is 95% homosexual. Then they say that they don't think same-sex marriage should be allowed because it would expose their children to ideas they don't want them to learn about. Again, it's the same thing here only with different sex marriages."

Savage went on to explain that they will still allow different sex couples to live in their town unmolested but says they can't let them get married in good conscious, "I mean we're glad to have them and all, but how can we let them do something that differs from us so much? Shouldn't we be trying to force our views on them so everyone is the same?"

[Darth Marsden]

London - The Pokemon fad was suddenly ended today when a crazed fan of the long-running series shot its creator, Satoshi Tajiri, 5 times at point blank range before being restrained by Tojiri's security detail.

Tojiri, a known recluse, was, according to the press release, enjoying a rare day out taking in the sights of London. Shortly after getting off the London Eye, he was approached by a male described as being in his mid 30s, blonde, wearing glasses, a backpack and a Pokemon t-shirt.

The fan apparently asked Tojiri a series of questions, which he answered in a polite manner. Several onlookers have described the two as having a seemingly friendly conversation, with the fan even telling a joke that Tojiri found extremely funny. It was shortly after this however, that the conversation took a turn for the worse.

Apparently disagreeing with a comment that Tojiri made, the fan pulled a handgun from the backpack and short Tojiri several times in the chest before Tojiri's security detail were able to subdue the man. They held him to the pavement for several minutes until an ambulance arrived, however when it did so, he managed to slip away in the confusion.

Tojiri is currently in hospital, his condition serious. The police have put out an APV on anyone matching the description of the man and wish to speak to anyone in the London area who has enjoyed any of the Pokemon series, be it film, TV show or game, within the last 6 months.

[mrz84]

Welcome to the afternoon news. Today we'll discus with Samuel L. Jackson his latest movie, Snakes on a Space Shuttle.
But first, the unexpected the United States has declared war on Uranus for possessing Weapons That Cause Bad Jokes. Not bothered by the fact that Uranus is millions of miles away from Earth, President Bush plans on shipping 100,000 soldiers within the next 3weeks. More on this as it develops.
Wait...This just in!
An army of super-powered catgirls has landed all over major cities of the world and have begun a mass take over! The only thing proven effective against them thus far is catnip. Everyone is advised to carry at least 10 pounds of catnip on them at all times should they encounter one of these humaoid felines.

[Trevelyan_06]

Hazlewood, MO- In this well to due suburb of St. Louis, everyone thought they were safe from terrorism. Thanks to Billy Smith, they still are.

Today Billy was awarded a citation for bravery from the mayor of Hazlewood. The reason for the award; stopping another student who was actually a terrorist in disguise. The accused student is said to have been bragging about a dangerous chemical compound that he snuck into the schools science fair.

Billy tells us his story. "I was scared, I mean really scared. He (the other student) was going on about something called dihydrogen monoxide. I wasn't really paying attention at first cause my dad said that science is un-Christian, he said it's true cause that's what the President says. My own project was healing through prayer. Anyways, what I did hear was making me kinda nervous and scared. I thought then that maybe this other kid was a terrorist. My dad also taught me that I should be fearful and suspicious of anything I don't understand, he said that's what the President says also. Well, I'm standing there listening to him go one about something called dihydrogen monoxide. I didn't know what it was but it sounded dangerous. The kid was saying that you could kill someone with it, that it was found in car batteries, and that it can be a gas, liquid, or even aerosol! Right then I was about to go tell a teacher when he said he had some right there with him! Without thinking I ran over to a volcano project, pointed it at him and let loose."

The accused student suffered burns to his face and arms and was rushed to the hospital. The mayor made a brief speech when giving the award to Billy saying that she hoped this was a warning to all potential terrorist out there not to try to bring dangerous chemicals into our schools.

[Modus Ponens]

Naked ice cream vendor arrested for election fraud
September 19, 2007

MILL BROOK, Wisconsin--

...Well, I'll leave this one up to the reader.

[Trevelyan_06]

Vatican City- Today the Pope was shocked to recieve a letter from the Wiccans who usually keep to themselves. He was even more shocked when he opened it. Inside was a single page with but one paragraph on it.


Dear Pope,

While we are flattered that you Christians liked some of our own symbols enough to use them for your holiday of Easter, we have to ask that you give them back. Now we don't want to be mean, or put you out, but we sorta would like our holiday back. I mean, Easter is good and all. It's calculated using that phases of the moon, again something you might have borrowed from us. It's just, well; you've kinda taken all of our symbols. Rabbits, eggs, baskets, all that stuff. We are sorta the one that started all that and you guys just kinda took it. Now we aren't accusing you guy of anything, just pointing out that maybe you'd like to come up with some of your own symbols and traditions. Don't worry though, we'll still let you guys come to our egg hunts!

Your Friends,
The Wiccans.

While it has been pointed out many times before that Easter has maybe taken on some of the symbols of Ostara, many Christians steadfastly refuse to acknowledge this. They are even more vehemently opposed to the suggestion that perhaps this was done on purpose by the Church in an effort to overshadow Wicca with Christianity and perhaps steal potential members of that religion over to Christianity.

When reached for comment the Pope had this to say, "It's a very nice letter they sent me, it was done on nice paper. Unfortunately I don't have a clue what they are talking about. Honestly, we Christians developed those symbols on our own." Asked if he could explain further he had this to say, "Look it was well documented that rabbits were Jesus' favorite animal. He always had like four or five pet rabbits. He was crazy for 'em. As for the eggs, Jesus could make a mean omelet. We give them to each other to remind us how awesome Jesus is. And the baskets, well, they're, um....really good for holding stuff."

The Pope went on to say that Easter shifts about the calendar like it does so that families can hold it at different peoples houses each year, "It's a sort of lottery system you see," the Pope pointed out, "Like, Aunt June, if Easter falls between this date and this, we'll have it at your house, if it falls between this date and this we have it at Uncle Bob's" He closed the interview by saying that while he had taken what they had written into consideration he didn't see how there was anything to give back.

A spokesman for the letter writers, Priest Evan, had this to say in response to the Pope's refusal to give up the symbols, "We have every respect for Christians and their holiday of Easter. It's really just not fair that they stole all of our symbols just because they have to be stuck in a stuffy church for hours on their holiday while we get to be outside enjoying spring. I mean if they asked, we'd invite them over!"

[The_Amaster]

Found on CNN (http://www.cnn.com)- Nebraska- A new study just in shows that in fact, television and computer screens are actually beneficial. According to the scientists, certain colors in fact promote growth in the cornea, sharpening vision. According to spokesperson Ima Actor, "The color white, especially in combination with dashes of red and blue increase sight. Like the CNN news site, which incedently, is in need of hits, has the perfect color scheme. You should spend all the time you can on that site."

ABC news had launched a clearly fake counter story, saying that in fact the colors on their website are more beneficial. (Check out our related story on how several high profile ABC managers have been linked to stealing food from orphans in Africa.)

[Trevelyan_06]

Berlin, Germany- This week environmental scientists at a world convention on global warming announced a shocking discovery they have.

Global warming is not being caused by fossil fuel emissions, or even any other form of artificial emissions. The source of global warming, according to these scientists, is much closer to home. In fact, some of you may have several of these sources in your home. This mysterious "source" that is causing the planet to warm up? Overweight and obese children.

It has been know for years, possibly ever since the first cave man ate an extra large helping of beans, that certain foods can be linked to high rates of flatulence. Equally as well know is the perchance that most overweight and obese children have for eating these same types of food. The breakthrough came in linking the rising number of overweight and obese children with the rising trend in global warming.

Gunther Fluffenutter of Germany, head of the assembled scientists explains, "The children eat the foods heavy in fat, sugar, and grease. It is well known that these foods are good for causing the "farfegnugen" as we like to cause." Ignoring the rolled eyes of those around him he continued, "However, no one has ever really studied the little ones gas. I mean, who would want to? Anyways, one day we were watching CNN and Oprah on picture in picture, and it hits us. What if the little butterball on Oprah with the uncontrollable farts could be the cause of the global warming on CNN?"

Fluffenutter went on to explain how his team went about backing up their theory. It basically boiled down to them making the interns google to see if there was a correlation between the rising number of overweight and obese children and the rise of global warming. There was. When asked what he and his team were going to do to decrease or even reverse this effect on global warming, Fluffenutter commented that they were doing nothing. They, he said, were rather going to simply enjoy the longer periods of warm weather. He then stepped out from behind the podium to reveal he was wearing a pair of capri pants and sandals with socks. 47 people were taken to the hospital.

[Limzo]

Woman convicted of picking nose in public; Death sentence given
Doctor Dee Mage of Shableton City in Calcushire was today sentenced to death for picking her nose on the bus. Nobody saw this event, and noobody went to the hearing. Nobody knows who this woman is, and nobody is even sure if it actually happened, or if it is just the imaginings of some nerd on the internet.

Nusri Porter,
BBC News Shableton.