Cannot get over my father's death

[Rammstein]

My father passed away on April 11th and I cannot get over it. Since he died I have a hard time dealing with anything. I am angry at everything and dont feel like interacting with anyone.

He passed away of cancer. What made it difficult is the fact that he was 8 hours away from home. I drove for the first time 1 week prior to his death , and he was fine. The doctors said he had a while left, and my dad wanted me to go home and keep working and come back later on and keep on with my life, not let this slow me down.

I did not really wanted to, but for some stupid reason I did. He seemed to be getting better with the days that passed that we all thought he had a lot of time ahead. So I was going to go back for my 2 weeks vacation later in the same month.

The nexy day I am back in Ontario I get a call at work saying he is on his last hours , took a turn for the wrost. I drove back as fast as I can , and sadly he was unable to comminicate anymore with me. He passed away 20 hours after I arrived, which I stayed on his side and did not leave him, except once to do a phone call, when he came back he was already passed away, which is something i highly regret now, I should have never left the room , not even for a minute.

I feel frustrated. The last few years I was barely with him because I moved away. For some stupid reason I blame my Wife for this because she is the one who wanted me to move. I have been really bad with her because I blame her for not being with my dad in his last months of his life. I cannot even touch her or spend time with her without being upset at her.

I also have been doing terrible emotionaly with everything, work etc etc. I want to be alone all the time. I regret leaving him when he was in the hospital , and seeing him like this for a whole day made me cry a lot. I am on the edge of loosing my job because I just dont care what is going to happen to me.

My dad and I where not very close, except in the last few moments when he found out my wife was pregenant. It got us closer to each other. The sad part abotu this is that he tried to hold on until my son was born so he could see him, and he passes way 2 days before his birth.

I dont know how I will get over this, no one else in my family is close to me. I feel like im left alone here dealing with this and that no one cares, I dont know how people can just get over it so easly...

[Gleeok]

I recently had a roomate die of cancer. Wasn't even that old too. One day he was fine, 4 weeks later he was dead. Just like that. I'm sorry but I can't help much in the advice department, as I just repress everything and go on drinking binges myself. I will say that you are lucky enough to have a job, wife, and a child, and a home, which is more than alot of people have. Don't fuck up anything that you'll regret later on...believe me, it's easy to destroy everything and everyone you know, but there are things you can't paste together again. I am reminded of Humpty Dumpty...


EDIT: No one gets over it easily...if at all.

[Beldaran]

Death is inevitable, and it is inevitably awful. However, your father would likely not have wanted his death to ruin your life, including your relationship with your wife.

I suggest trying to honor his memory by being the best person you can be. Try to express your grief by being an exemplary husband, employee, and everything else. Let your life reflect the positive feelings you have for him, rather than the negative feelings you feel because of his death.

[Modus Ponens]

I dont know how people can just get over it so easly...

I don't think anyone "gets over it easily". Things are different from person to person, and your loss was still quite recent. Don't think that you're handling the situation poorly just because you're not "over it" yet; nobody can rationally set a timetable for these things. All you can do is wake up each day and try to be just a little bit better than the previous day.

Death is an important part of life, and in time you will see that the darkness is lifting. Be strong.

[Gerudo]

Taking it all out on your wife is just going to lead you to ruin. None of us can see into the future. She most likely didn't feel the significant connection to your father that you did. I can't conceive how you can blame her for anything. So, my suggestion to you is to stop blaming your wife. She really should be your best friend in dealing with all this, not being shut out and yelled at.

[{DSG}DarkRaven]

Geez, Ramm. It's not like your car got towed or something important. Get over it already.



Ahem. The above was a load of crap, and was meant to illustrate the following point: you should be grieving. No matter what description of strength you'd apply to your relationship with him, he was your father, and you should be grieving because that unspoken bond you hand is now gone. Like a radio tower that has a cable snap, you should be swaying a little more. You should be a little unstable. Do not feel bad about that.

Your wife wanted to move, so you did, and you were not close when he died. Logically, in the strictest sense, it is her fault. But what does it matter? If she had booked a secret surprise vacation cruise that was missed because of your dad, would it be right for her to be mad because the money was lost, and the fun wasn't had? She had no malicious intentions whatsoever. Did she want you to move further away so you'd be gone when he passed? It's an unfortunate set of events, most certainly, but nothing you should hold a grudge about.

Death is sad, Ramm. There's no sugar coating that. But the only thing sadder than that, perhaps, is that you're letting it ruin the fact that you are still alive! You have much to live for, and much to be happy about. And without even knowing him, I'm positive that your father would not want you to let your life end simply because his did. So grieve as much as you need to, but do not mope, do not sulk, and do not give in to sorrow.

Tomorrow is another day. Rise up, and then, live.