Mitsukara
06-14-2007, 01:53 PM
Some of you know me well, and some of you not so much, and some in-between. I've been around AGN since 2000 but come and gone quite a bit.
Below I'm going to detail some history on who I am and talk about what I'm doing now. If such things disinterest you, feel free not to read.
My parents are charismatic/non-denomational/pentecostal/"those nutjobs" christians, the type who believe in speaking in tongues, laying hands on people, healing the sick, falling in the floor, and other "holy spirit" stuff. I... don't. At all. They might be right but I doubt it.
In my younger years I listened to everything they said and followed whatever they told me to do, which was helped by them homeschooling me and giving me no social outlet but sporadic church visits. However, when I was 11, I didn't realize it, but things started to change. Not only that, but there were things about myself I wasn't being honest with myself about, because of how my parents had trained (controlled) me.
One of the first changes was my joining AGN. It seemed a simple thing; I was curious, poking around the Zelda Classic site- I was and still am very impressed with what Zelda Classic is- and found the forums. I was inspired to join mostly by the (now gone) game ideas forum, and so I started hanging around and posting. I was scared of what my parents would think so I never showed them or mentioned it.
Then of course I started getting in arguements at AGN, because I was pigheaded as hell and certain people liked to mess with me XD So I got fed up and left in early 2001.
Then puberty hit. Oh shit.
Puberty felt BAD. I mean like, not like a physical injury, not like social shame, but WRONG. It was a catalyst that made me reexamine everything about myself, because I very quickly started to feel like I really REALLY didn't want to be male. I decided to explore and think about everything, but when I remembered I'd heard once on TV that it was possible for someone to change their sex, I was curious so I researched it. I found the wonder http://www.transsexual.org , which gave me a lot of information on the subject. The more I thought about it and explored myself, the more I not only realized how badly- reaching back even to childhood, as well as I can vaguely recall- that I'd wanted to be a girl. I also strived to be more and more open minded, to ask questions and to think about things, to be polite and respectful and nice to people instead of the bigheaded, opinionated thing I'd been.
I returned to AGN and tried to pass off for a while that I was female, and while some people believed me, I lacked detailed understanding of certain physical things and I didn't really feel good about lying long-term when I didn't need to anyway, so while I enjoyed the experiment it gave me- another thing that reinforced my feelings- I decided to open up about it all in late 2001/early 2002/whenever that was. Since then, I've been babbling everything straight ouf my mind onto AGN quite a bit, mostly, save for the coming and going of course (I tend to hang out at certain other places more, most primarily certain IRC channels).
AGN was also where I met the first person I fell in love with, the person I mention in my signature, who went by "balzac" here. I'll be brief about it and just say that while he had flaws and was in a lot of hurt and did a terrible thing in the end (which could've been much worse, and I mean no disrespect towards that; other people could've died, and in his wrecked state he may well have been trying to do that), I was aware of all this (well, I wasn't aware of what was going to happen in advance, but still), and still believed- and believe today- that there was a good side to him even so. My time talking with him was wonderful and we were very close, and I am eternally greatful for what we shared. I love him, and it's one of the reasons I really hope there's an afterlife- I hope that somehow, we'll get to meet again.
It's also given me my belief that there is no absolute evil in the world (or at least in individual people); just that people who are hurt and damaged can do terrible things. It explains nearly everything people do, and changes my whole perspective in a good way I think.
Through him I also met one of my very best, closest, dearest friends: Amber. She doesn't come around AGN much anymore due to being relly busy and I think because of having had some bad experiences with it. I love and respect her very much, and she's helped me through some very hard things (right up through today even).
Since that time I've been recovering from the pain of what happened, and I think I'm doing fairly well now. I've also gotten closer and closer with a friend I met all the way back in 2000, another AGN member ironically, who used to go by "Skeeve22" and "Kingarthur" (she now goes by Sarria; she doesn't hang around AGN at all anymore). We developed from vague friends to closer and closer friends, and finally we fell in love with one another. I have high hopes that our relationship will be very good in person, and I'll be finding out soon.
And now it's been seven years since all this began. It's crazy how much a "simple videogame forum" impacted my life, but I am thankful for it.
Tomorrow, my life will change forever. I hope it will be in a good way.
After a lot of thinking, arguing with myself, asking for advice which I've sometimes followed, sometimes not, self-exploration, consideration, planning, re-planning, and so on, I finally came to a decision and made a plan with Sarria (and before anyone suggests she pushed me into it, I'd have to say we're pretty equally responsible, and most of it was my suggestion and on my terms).
I am moving to Bremerton (it's next to Seattle, across a fairly small/easily traversed bay) with her. Just packing up my stuff, getting everything ready, and going.
My method isn't the best thing I could ask for, but after several months of consideration of options it really was the safest compromise I could think of. Basically I'm sneaking out of the house while my parents are gone, leaving behind a letter for them and my family about what I've done and why (although not telling them where I'm going for safety). I felt this secrecy neccesary because my parents actually threatened me once when they got suspicious of me at age 12, and have generally shown a negative, potentially violent attitude about "gays". I don't trust them- I can't trust them.
I have a bit over $1000 left from my savings from my first job (five months at Wal Mart cashiering/overnight people greeting) after paying for my airplane ticket and co-paying on the initial apartment cost (which I offered to do myself, BTW). That's my cushion. I also have an immediate idea of where I should be able to get a job, a backup option, and if somehow those fail I have the credential of having worked at wal mart and left on good terms should I need to work at another (bleah though!). I'm keeping somewhere from 4 luggages to several boxes of stuff depending on whether we can get to a post office or not (and whether I ever finish my packing! it's TOMORROW and I've done an abysmal amount! talk about cutting it close...! And here I'm typing on AGN! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!), which won't include my shitty computer. I can easily buy a better computer than this fairly cheap (Windows ME, PII, three physical hard drives that only add up to about 20GB, and other equivalent quality parts?), plus I can use Sarria's for a while, plus I've already gotten an offer from someone to help me build a new one and supply parts for it which might work out pretty well if they're really okay with doing such a thing as they say.
And Seattle is like, the best place ever to be a transsexual. It's as liberal as San Francisco, has firm anti-discrimination laws, domestic partnerships are available to homosexual couples which seem to me to basically be marriage by another name, it has a great bisexual/gay/lesbian/transsexual center including this semi-famous Ingersol place... it's like San Francisco only sane and not located on a geological fault line (though there is Mt. St. Helens). It's also a great place to a geeky otaku as I am, I hear.
I'm scared, but also excited, but also need to get my butt moving and paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack. Wish me luck! ^.^
Also, if Lilith is reading this, thank you for your advice and while I know you're leery of this, I appreciate your concern, suggestions, and will at least try to learn from what you told me about.
Below I'm going to detail some history on who I am and talk about what I'm doing now. If such things disinterest you, feel free not to read.
My parents are charismatic/non-denomational/pentecostal/"those nutjobs" christians, the type who believe in speaking in tongues, laying hands on people, healing the sick, falling in the floor, and other "holy spirit" stuff. I... don't. At all. They might be right but I doubt it.
In my younger years I listened to everything they said and followed whatever they told me to do, which was helped by them homeschooling me and giving me no social outlet but sporadic church visits. However, when I was 11, I didn't realize it, but things started to change. Not only that, but there were things about myself I wasn't being honest with myself about, because of how my parents had trained (controlled) me.
One of the first changes was my joining AGN. It seemed a simple thing; I was curious, poking around the Zelda Classic site- I was and still am very impressed with what Zelda Classic is- and found the forums. I was inspired to join mostly by the (now gone) game ideas forum, and so I started hanging around and posting. I was scared of what my parents would think so I never showed them or mentioned it.
Then of course I started getting in arguements at AGN, because I was pigheaded as hell and certain people liked to mess with me XD So I got fed up and left in early 2001.
Then puberty hit. Oh shit.
Puberty felt BAD. I mean like, not like a physical injury, not like social shame, but WRONG. It was a catalyst that made me reexamine everything about myself, because I very quickly started to feel like I really REALLY didn't want to be male. I decided to explore and think about everything, but when I remembered I'd heard once on TV that it was possible for someone to change their sex, I was curious so I researched it. I found the wonder http://www.transsexual.org , which gave me a lot of information on the subject. The more I thought about it and explored myself, the more I not only realized how badly- reaching back even to childhood, as well as I can vaguely recall- that I'd wanted to be a girl. I also strived to be more and more open minded, to ask questions and to think about things, to be polite and respectful and nice to people instead of the bigheaded, opinionated thing I'd been.
I returned to AGN and tried to pass off for a while that I was female, and while some people believed me, I lacked detailed understanding of certain physical things and I didn't really feel good about lying long-term when I didn't need to anyway, so while I enjoyed the experiment it gave me- another thing that reinforced my feelings- I decided to open up about it all in late 2001/early 2002/whenever that was. Since then, I've been babbling everything straight ouf my mind onto AGN quite a bit, mostly, save for the coming and going of course (I tend to hang out at certain other places more, most primarily certain IRC channels).
AGN was also where I met the first person I fell in love with, the person I mention in my signature, who went by "balzac" here. I'll be brief about it and just say that while he had flaws and was in a lot of hurt and did a terrible thing in the end (which could've been much worse, and I mean no disrespect towards that; other people could've died, and in his wrecked state he may well have been trying to do that), I was aware of all this (well, I wasn't aware of what was going to happen in advance, but still), and still believed- and believe today- that there was a good side to him even so. My time talking with him was wonderful and we were very close, and I am eternally greatful for what we shared. I love him, and it's one of the reasons I really hope there's an afterlife- I hope that somehow, we'll get to meet again.
It's also given me my belief that there is no absolute evil in the world (or at least in individual people); just that people who are hurt and damaged can do terrible things. It explains nearly everything people do, and changes my whole perspective in a good way I think.
Through him I also met one of my very best, closest, dearest friends: Amber. She doesn't come around AGN much anymore due to being relly busy and I think because of having had some bad experiences with it. I love and respect her very much, and she's helped me through some very hard things (right up through today even).
Since that time I've been recovering from the pain of what happened, and I think I'm doing fairly well now. I've also gotten closer and closer with a friend I met all the way back in 2000, another AGN member ironically, who used to go by "Skeeve22" and "Kingarthur" (she now goes by Sarria; she doesn't hang around AGN at all anymore). We developed from vague friends to closer and closer friends, and finally we fell in love with one another. I have high hopes that our relationship will be very good in person, and I'll be finding out soon.
And now it's been seven years since all this began. It's crazy how much a "simple videogame forum" impacted my life, but I am thankful for it.
Tomorrow, my life will change forever. I hope it will be in a good way.
After a lot of thinking, arguing with myself, asking for advice which I've sometimes followed, sometimes not, self-exploration, consideration, planning, re-planning, and so on, I finally came to a decision and made a plan with Sarria (and before anyone suggests she pushed me into it, I'd have to say we're pretty equally responsible, and most of it was my suggestion and on my terms).
I am moving to Bremerton (it's next to Seattle, across a fairly small/easily traversed bay) with her. Just packing up my stuff, getting everything ready, and going.
My method isn't the best thing I could ask for, but after several months of consideration of options it really was the safest compromise I could think of. Basically I'm sneaking out of the house while my parents are gone, leaving behind a letter for them and my family about what I've done and why (although not telling them where I'm going for safety). I felt this secrecy neccesary because my parents actually threatened me once when they got suspicious of me at age 12, and have generally shown a negative, potentially violent attitude about "gays". I don't trust them- I can't trust them.
I have a bit over $1000 left from my savings from my first job (five months at Wal Mart cashiering/overnight people greeting) after paying for my airplane ticket and co-paying on the initial apartment cost (which I offered to do myself, BTW). That's my cushion. I also have an immediate idea of where I should be able to get a job, a backup option, and if somehow those fail I have the credential of having worked at wal mart and left on good terms should I need to work at another (bleah though!). I'm keeping somewhere from 4 luggages to several boxes of stuff depending on whether we can get to a post office or not (and whether I ever finish my packing! it's TOMORROW and I've done an abysmal amount! talk about cutting it close...! And here I'm typing on AGN! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!), which won't include my shitty computer. I can easily buy a better computer than this fairly cheap (Windows ME, PII, three physical hard drives that only add up to about 20GB, and other equivalent quality parts?), plus I can use Sarria's for a while, plus I've already gotten an offer from someone to help me build a new one and supply parts for it which might work out pretty well if they're really okay with doing such a thing as they say.
And Seattle is like, the best place ever to be a transsexual. It's as liberal as San Francisco, has firm anti-discrimination laws, domestic partnerships are available to homosexual couples which seem to me to basically be marriage by another name, it has a great bisexual/gay/lesbian/transsexual center including this semi-famous Ingersol place... it's like San Francisco only sane and not located on a geological fault line (though there is Mt. St. Helens). It's also a great place to a geeky otaku as I am, I hear.
I'm scared, but also excited, but also need to get my butt moving and paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack. Wish me luck! ^.^
Also, if Lilith is reading this, thank you for your advice and while I know you're leery of this, I appreciate your concern, suggestions, and will at least try to learn from what you told me about.