View Full Version : Darth's Fan-Fiction Thread
Darth Marsden
04-26-2007, 06:08 PM
This is just a repost of all my South Park stories that I've posted throughout the forum (4 at the time of writing). Since one of the threads I posted them in has been closed and the other is dying a slow death, I figured it'd be a good time to put all my stories into one place.
If any mods don't approve of this, please let me know and I'll stop. Otherwise...
Episode I - Not Dead Yet
Yeah, that's what I called it.
[Day. A crowd is gathered under a "Memorial Service" banner located in the middle of a street and listening to a suited-up War Lord as he delivers a service. Darth Marsden, Glenn The Great, Beldaran and Lilith are there among the crowd, in their funeral best]
War Lord: Friends, we gather in this place to mourn the victims of yesterday's tragedy: nine good people who were run over in the street by an elderly woman driver.
Darth Marsden: God, this is boring.
Glenn the Great: You insensitive asshole! Nine people died!
Darth: Yeah, but 8 of them were Star Trek fans. Who cares about Star Trek? Star Trek sucks.
Lilith: What, more then Episode I?
Darth: ...shut up.
War Lord: It is sometimes hard, in times like these, to understand God's way. Why would he allow nine innocent people to be run down in the prime of their lives by a senior citizen who, perhaps, shouldn't be driving? It is then that we must understand, God's sense of humor is very different from our own. He does not laugh at the simple "man walks into a bar" joke. No, God needs complex irony and subtle farcical twists that seem macabre to you and me. All that we can hope for is that God got his good laugh and a tragedy such as this will never happen again.
[Screeching tires are heard. Franpa runs into the crowd]
Franpa: Elderly driver! ELDERLY DRIVER!
[People panic and start running as an elderly driver runs his car into the middle of the street. He runs over several people and crashes into a light standard at the other end of the street]
Elderly Driver: Did I just hit a pot hole?
[CUT TO: Television News Report. A splash screen shows various correspondents and anchors, and a globe spins in front of the montage. Y'know, like in all self-important news reports]
Anthony: Another series of deaths tonight by a senior citizen motorist. Barney Calhoon of New Mexico, Carl Johnson of San Andreas and Miles Prowler of Mobius were killed instantly when struck by a vehicle driven by Pete Malman, who was trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet. This latest tragedy comes only two days after the accident in Deer Creek, where three construction workers and a bulldozer [Shown] were run down by senior citizen Paul Thom [Shown, irate], who was trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet. Public outcry is forcing the DMV to consider suspending the licenses of all seniors over seventy, where Pineconn is live. Pineconn?
[CUT TO: Pineconn, reporting from the DMV]
Pineconn: Thanks Anthony. I'm standing outside of the Department of Motor Vehicles, where officials have just declared that Senior Citizens have until three p.m. to hand over their driver's licenses. The new law was passed just hours after what we in the business are calling 'The Day of Death', mostly because it sounds impressive. Back to you, Ant.
Anthony: Thanks, Pineconn. And don't call me Ant, idiot.
[DMV, inside. A poster on the wall says "Drive 65 MPH. Stay alive." {DSG}DarkRaven, ShadowTiger and Elise sit at a table taking the licenses seniors standing in line give them. ShadowTiger takes a license from an elderly man]
ShadowTiger: Alrighty. [Cuts it in two and drops the halves into a box] There we go. Next? [A fat elderly lady approaches, then the elderly man with the walker]
Elderly Lady: It ain't right what you're doin'! I never had an accident in my life! You shouldn't punish all of us!
Elise: but this is the only way to be sure. Next please. [Cuts up another license] There we go.
Elderly Man: But how am I supposed to get to the grocery store? Or the pharmacy to buy medicine?
{DSG}DarkRaven: Well, maybe you should be in a nursing home. Hmmm?
Elderly Man: Some of us would rather die!
{DSG}DarkRaven: Well, we can certainly help you with that, too.
Elderly Man: Bah! [Walks off]
Elise: Next!
[Beldaran's house, around midday. The gang are just leaving.]
Darth: Isn't this great, you guys? Being able to walk the streets now that old people are confined to their homes where they belong?
[The group all turn and stare at Darth.]
Darth: Yeah, that didn't sound so harsh in my head.
[The group continue onwards. As they move away from Beldaran's house, an elderly figure emerges from the front door.]
Beldaran's Grandad: Billy, get in the car! I need you boys to help me pick up my new Hov-Around.
Beldaran:Uh, Grandpa, I don't think you should be driving.
Grandad: God-damnit Billy! You're supposed to listen to your dad, right?! Well I'm your dad's dad, and that means you get in this car before I tan all your hides!
Lilith: Well, look at it this way guys: statistically speaking, we're safer inside a car with an old person driving than we would be on the outside.
Darth: ...dammit, I hate it when she's right. I call shotgun!
[The gang climb in, strap themselves in, and Glenn the Great offers a quick prayer]
Glenn: Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee, even though I walk through the valley of death. [Beldaran's Grandad starts up the car and groans a bit] Guys, I don't know if I ever told you this, but, well, I love you guys. [Pause] Except for you, Darth.
Darth: Damn straight.
Grandad: Okay, all set?
[Beldaran's Grandad backs out of the a driveway, and an oncoming car honks at him. The driver screams something at him. Pretty soon, other cars and trucks are doing their best to avoid him. Cars begin crashing and flying through the air. The gang wince at every accident, and after a few minutes a police cruiser catches up to them]
Beldaran: Ah, I think there's a police car behind you, Grandpa.
Grandad: Eh? [Signals to the officer] Go around. Go around, you moron!
Officer Rijuhn: Blue Impala, pull your vehicle over!
Glenn: Is that us? Oh please God, let that be us!
Darth: Yeah, that's us.
Glenn: Praise the Lord!
Beldaran's Grandad pulls over to the side and stops. Officer Rijuhn stops as well and approaches the driver side.]
Officer Rijuhn: Could I see your license, please?
Grandad: I ain't got one! You peckers took it!
Officer Rijuhn: Well then, I have to take you to jail.
Grandad: You just try taking me to jail, scrotum-head! You just try!
Beldaran's Grandad starts whacking Officer Rijuhn with his cane. Beldaran holds his head in his hands while the others look on in shock. Officer Rijuhn backs away from the cane, takes his pistol and fires it into the air, at which point Beldaran's Grandad throws his cane out of the car window and put his hands in the air. Beldaran looks up at the others and shrugs his sholders as if to say 'What can you do?']
[CUT TO: Police jail. Beldaran's Grandad sits behind bars with a cane.]
Grandad: Big tough guy with a gun. Why in my day, we fought with sharpened sticks, miserable...
Officer Rijuhn: I just got him right here, Beldaran.
Beldaran: Well, good job, Grandad. Look what happened. I told you not to drive, but would you listen to me? No!
Grandad: Oh God damnit, don't you dare lecture me, Billy!
Beldaran: You just had to be so damn stubborn, didn't you?!
Grandad: Great. Now my own Grandson is gonna talk to me like I was younger than him.
Beldaran: I'm not gonna treat you like a child, Grandad. All right? Now I think you owe Mr. Police Officer an apology. Who needs to apologize, hm? [He wags his finger at his Grandad] Who's the sorry-sorry?
Grandad: Kiss my old, wrinkled ass!
Beldaran: Oh, y'know what? I was gonna bail you out, but maybe you can just sit here for a bit and think about what you did!
Grandad: Well I won't be sitting here long! I've already called the AARP!
Beldaran: The who-what now?
Grandad: The American Association of Retired Persons! The largest political group in the country! When seniors like me are bein' descriminated against, the AARP comes and sets it right! And you're gonna be sorry when they get here!
[The AGN cafe. The gang, along with other regulars, are all hanging out, listening to War Lord performing his latest rap.]
War Lord: So I take my gun and I point it at him
And he's screaming at me 'Don't kill me, please!'
But I'm not listening and I fire a round
Hits him in the chest and he hits the ground
Blood is pouring all over the place
And I... I... [He's distracted by something. One or two people follow his eyeline and see elderly paratroopers drifting down onto the pavement outside. The gangs' eyes follow him] Huh. Those ROTC guys are way off course. [The paratroopers open their cargo boxes and unload firearms]
Darth: Holy crap! More old people!
Beldaran: [Realising]The American Association of Retired Persons. Jesus, I thought he was rambling about the good ol' days again - I didn't realise he meant it!
[War Lord heads outside, bidding the others to stay where they are. One of the old folks, an incredibly old woman smacks him across the face with the butt of her semiautomatic, and he goes down in pain on one knee. The seniors begin firing away, with rifles, semiautomatics, whatever. The gang look on and gasp]
Glenn: Old people gone mad! It's the end of the world as we know it!
[U.S. Geological Service. PrrKitty sits at her desk making notes when she hears the soft rustling of tarp on snow. She spins around in her chair to see more AARP paratroopers. She rises in disbelief. A gas canister flies through the window and unleashes its fumes. PrrKitty starts coughing. The door flies open and some AARP paratroopers walk in wearing gas masks.]
AARP Member: Contact. [Quickly aims her machine gun at PrrKitty] Put your hands up, young lady!
[She does so and is subsequently marched out into the street. CUT TO: Jail. Beldaran's Grandad is looking out his small cell window when the AARP enters and approach the cell. A man steps forward from the group.]
AARP Leader: I'm Bill Stewart, President of the AARP. Hu-we've come to help the seniors in this town fight back.
Grandad: Oh, it's nice to meet ya, Bill.
Bill: Huh?? We came as fast as we could. We just had to stop by Country Kitchen Buffet first. Mmm!
[The center of town, day. One of the members brings Beldaran forward]
Beldaran: What the hell is going on?!
AARP member: Shut your piehole and get over there!
[Beldaran moves forward and joins the other hostages. PrrKitty sidles up to him]
Prrkitty: Beldaran, what is this?
Bill: Hey! You are now under the authority of the AARP!
Grandad: Ha! There you go, Mr. Smartmouth! Look at you now!
Beldaran: Grandad, what are you doing??
Grandad: The AARP is gonna help us take this town until we get our licenses back!
Elderly Woman: Yeah, and we're gonna ask for more money in Medi-Care, too!
biggiy05: Have you all got Alzheimer's? The-they're not gonna listen to a bunch of whacked out senior citizens.
Bill: Heh?? We'll tell them if they don't give us our demands, we'll start killin' hostages!
biggiy05: Huh, right. They're gonna really believe that.
[The elderly woman next to him simply lifts her gun and fires at biggiy point blank. He falls down dead. The crowd express shock and anger, for some reason]
Grandad: Isn't that a little extreme, Bill?
Bill: Heh?? No, we gotta be tough! Just like with those damned Japs!
Beldaran: This is insane, Grandad! It was bad enough when Darth went on that killing spree, but this? You all need to stop right now before more people get hurt!
Grandad: The time when you can tell me what to do is over, pucky-boy! We're in charge now!
[Some time later. The town is now an encampment, protected by barbed wire, sandbags, and metal shields. A woman with an IV unit stands behind some sandbags.]
Grandad: All right, we've got control of the Mayor's office and the fire station.
AARP member: Reinforcements have arrived from the nursing home in Conifer.
Bill: Good! Hell, us senior citizens could take over the entire country!
AARP lookout: We've got company!
[Outside the blockade, a huge number of military jeeps, vans and tanks arrive. They pull up outside the barriers and a number of soldiers get out, arming their weapons at the walls. An officer gets out of a jeep and takes out a megaphone.]
Officer: Attention seniors: lay down your weapons and turns yourselves over!
Bill: Mrs. Applegate, show 'em we mean business.
Mrs. Applegate: All right.
[Mrs Applegate is carrying a rocket launcher. At Bill's request, she fires the rocket and falls back from the recoil. The rocket heads for a Jeep full of troops. The troops scramble off. The rocket strikes and demolishes the Jeep, killing one of the soldiers, who's head lands in the lap of another soldier, who instantly starts screaming and running around histerically. Eventually the officer manages to regain composure and retakes the megaphone.]
Officer: What do you want?
Bill: Heh??
Grandad: We want our licenses back! [Sounds of approval from the other seniors]
Elderly Woman: That's right. And we want more money and Medi-Care! [More shouts of approval]
Elderly Man: And we want those damned kids to stop skateboardin' on the sidewalk! [The shout of approval are, quite literally, deafening.]
[Nighttime, the drive-in. All adults who are not senior citizens have been gathered into an enclosure around the massive screen. Two seniors stand guard at the gates, other seniors keep the adults in line. The adults are cold. Some cough, some try to keep warm by burning tires inside empty gas drums. Beldaran is one of those warming his hands over a fire, along with Glenn the Great and Lilith. He moans. Darth snakes up to the side of the encampment where the group is, having not been arrested]
Darth: Hey guys.
Beldaran: Darth! You... you're OK! How did they not catch you?
Darth: I'm a freakin' Sith Lord, OK? God, I've been in this freakin' place for years, you'd think people would know me by now! Hopeless, the bloody lot of you. Hopeless!
Lilith: Shh! They'll hear you!
Darth: Yeah, right. None of them have their hearing aids in, y'know.
Glenn: ...that explains a lot.
Darth: Look, how the hell did they get you guys? I thought you were all better than that!
Lilith: We tried to stop them, but... the seniors get up so early in the morning they... get everything done before everyone else is even awake! It's insane!
Glenn: I heard them saying something about taking over the entire country - could they really do that?
Beldaran: Seeing how early they get up, I don't see how anyone can stop them. Wait a minute... when do you get up, Darth?
Darth: I'm always up. I haven't slept since 1994.
Lilith: Seriously? How the hell do you stay awake?
Darth: Caffine. Lots and lots of caffine.
Lilith: ...so that's why you're always drinking Red Bull. I did wonder.
Beldaran: Look Darth, you've got to stop them! We can't do anything stuck in here! [He looks back, alarmed - more prisoners are being herded into the 'camp'] Dammit, they're coming! Quick, get out of here before they see you!
Darth: Christ, leave it to the resident Dark Lord of the Sith to solve all your problems. You guys owe me big time. [Darth turns and leaves. ShadowTiger notices and runs right up to the wires.]
ShadowTiger: Avenge me Darth! AVENGE ME!!!
[The drive-in, 6:45. Everyone is still asleep. CUT TO Darth, who's striking a dramatic pose on top of a building just as the sun's rising. It looks like a comic book cover. Suddenly Darth leaps off and lands on one of those tarpin covers. Rather then bounce off, it tears and he falls straight through, landing arkwardly on his arm. He moans in pain, gets up and quickly runs off, clutching his shoulder. Meanwhile, the old folks are forming in the center of town.]
Bill: Alright. If we're gonna do this, we'll have to do it quickly.
AARP Member: That'll be a problem.
Bill: Huh?? Well, as quickly as we can. First, we kill all the young people. Then, we move on to the next town!
AARP Members: Yeah! That's the ticket! We'll show them who's in charge! Etc!
Beldaran's Grandad: [Looking apalled] You're actually going to go through with this? You're... you're insane!
Bill: Don't you label me with that young person slander! We're taking back this country, with or without you! Now c'mon everyone! Let's move!
[The crowd start moving. Slowly. Beldaran's Grandad looks on, aghast, as they move. Zoom out to Darth, who's watching this from side street.]
Darth: Not in my town.
[He slinks back into the shadows. CUT TO the crowd, very slowly moving along towards the drive-in, where everyone is still asleep. The one at the very back is suddenly pulled into a side alley by Darth, who bonks her over the head with a nearby trashcan. After he bashes her, he grabs at his shoulder, obviously in pain. He probes it with his hand and after a minutes lets out an 'Ohh' of realisation, then yanks the shoulder forward suddenly. There's a loud pop as the bone pops back into its socket. He utters the word 'Mommy' quite pathetically before coming to his senses and moving on. CUT TO the drive-in. Bill has finally reached the compound and he eyes all the still-sleeping people inside. He grins maniacally.]
Bill: Ah yes, young hooligans. You'll never oppress us again. Come on folks! Let's show them what we're made off!
[He turns round, only to find that there's one elderly woman still there. He looks on in amazement.]
Bill: Wha... where's everyone else?
AARP Member: I... I don't know. They were right behind me a minute ago...
[Suddenly a brick comes flying from offscreen and conks her on the head. She falls down unconcious as Darth Marsden walks into the shot.]
Darth: It's over. Don't make me hurt you... much.
Bill: Huh?? You... did you take everyone out?
Darth: Well, it wasn't hard. You were moving so slowly I managed to finish off War and Peace in between knockouts. Dunno why it's got such a good rep, it's dull as hell, that book.
Bill: Well, I'm not going down without a fight! Put 'em up, you young scalliwag!
[He puts up his fists in an attempted manner to be imposing. Darth merely ignites his lightsaber and walks up to him. As he feebly throws a punch, Darth slices off his arm. It falls to the ground and the hand twitches into giving him the finger before dying. Darth looks up and smiles.]
Darth: Now stand aside, you old fool.
Bill: Huh?? 'Tis but a scratch.
Darth: A scratch? Your arm's off!
Bill: No, it isn't.
Darth: Well what's that then? [He points to the severed arm]
Bill: ...I've had worse.
Darth: Bollocks you have!
Bill: Come on, you young pansy!
[He throws his other arm at Darth, who slices it off just as easily. It too gives him the finger after it hits the floor.]
Darth: Hah! Victory is mine, old man.
Bill: Huh?? Come on, then. Have at you!
Darth: You what? Look, I'll give credit where it's due, but I've beaten you, ok?
Bill: Oh, had enough, eh?
Darth: Look you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!
Bill: Yes, I have.
Darth: Look at them! [He points to the pair lying on the ground]
Bill: Just a flesh wound. [He starts kicking Darth]
Darth: Stop that.
Bill: Oh, chicken, eh? [Keeps kicking Darth] Chicken!
Darth: If you don't pack that in I'll lop your leg off.
[Bill kicks Darth again and so off it comes. It lands on the floor next to the left arm. Darth turns the lightsaber off - it's clearly over.]
Bill: Right! I'll do you for that!
Darth: What are you gonna do, bleed on me?
Bill: Huh?? Ooo, you young hippie, I'll tear you to pieces, just like I did in Nam!
[Bill hops over to Darth and butts him with his head. Darth can't quite believe this and is about to walk away when Bill headbutts him again. Irritated he turns the lightsaber on again and slices off Bill's remaining leg. He falls to the ground, somehow managing to stay upright. Bill looks over his limbs now lying on the ground.]
Bill: Alright, we'll call it a draw.
Darth: ...whatever. [He starts walking past Bill towards the drive-in]
Bill: Oh... oh, I see! Running away, eh? You yellow-livered coward! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!
Darth: [Now in the distance] Shut up!
[Some time later. The Army is milling around the area, picking up the pensioners that Darth had taken out. They pass by in the background during the rest of this scene, and are decorated in a variety of items - one is trapped in the middle of a flower garden, another has a vase rammed over their head, a third is forced to hop as their legs have been tied together with a garden hose, that sort of thing. The officer from before walks over to Darth, talking into a walkie-talkie as he does so.]
Officer: All right everyone, area secure. Collect their weapons and free the hostages. [He lowers the walkie-talkie] Well, good work Darth. You may very well have saved this entire country.
Beldaran: Walks into shot along with PrrKitty, Lilith and Elise, rubbing his eyes as if he's just woken up]Whoa-ho-ho-ooh, what happened? Is it over?
Officer: Everything is fine. Control of the town is back to you folks.
Soldier: [Escorting Beldaran's Grandad up to the group] What do you want to do with this one, sir?
Officer: Well, I guess that's up to the townsfolk.
Beldaran: Well, I think he learned his lesson. Huh? Don't you feel silly now, Grandad? I think somebody owes us all an apology. Yes he does.
Elise: Oh, stop it! This was partly your fault!
Beldaran: Huh??
Lilith: She's right, Beldaran. All your grandfather wants is not to be talked to like a child. I think half of what he was angry about wasn't what you were doing, but how you were doing it.
Grandad: Yeah, that's right.
PrrKitty: And you should be proud that you made it through life to be a senior, but you should also realize that, when you're behind the wheel, you're a killing machine.
Grandad: ...I know. I guess sometimes us seniors need to know when to stop driving so we don't put the responsibility on our families.
Beldaran: Well, I think this has been a real learning experience for us all. People died, but we all grew a bit. Let's just go home.
Grandad: Sure. I'll drive.
Beldaran: [Laughs] That's my Grandad. [Walks off with his grandfather]
Darth: [Beat] I hate this place sometimes. I really do.
I'm actually quite amazed I managed to fit that into one post...
EDIT: Just realized I missed out a bit. No matter, it wasn't that great and the story works a bit better without it.
Darth Marsden
04-26-2007, 06:22 PM
Episode II - Customer Satisfaction
[Town, day. Darth Marsden, Aegix Dragon, Breaker and Cloral are walking down the street. Darth is reading one of those '1001 things you never knew' books]
Darth: Hey guys, did you know that you crap your pants when you die?
Breaker: What?
Darth: Yeah, it says here that when you die your bowels release and you basically crap yourself. Gross, huh?
Cloral: That's stupid and you know it.
Darth: It says it right here! [He places the book in front of Cloral, who shoves it away] Bet you 5 bucks it's true.
Cloral: No way, man. You still owe me 10 from the last bet you made.
[CUT TO the AGN cafe. Darth and Cloral are standing next to the Pool table, watching Daarkseid and Riverman play a game. Darth turns to Cloral.]
Darth: Bet you 10 bucks Daarkseid wins.
[Cut back to the street.]
Darth: You only won that 'cause you whacked Daarkseid over the head with a Pool Cue!
Starkist: [Running past] Hey everybody, it's time! It's time!
Aegix Dragon: Time for what?
Starkist: Get to where General Bitching used to be! It's about to happen!
[The gang look at each other and shrug their shoulders. They all follow Starkist over to where General Bitching used to be. There's some sort of building, but we can't see what it is. There's a large crowd around the place, with an official looking man addressing them.]
Official: People of AGN, I am pleased to be with you on this most historic day. A day you were certainly all remember... as the day your town... became great. The grand opening of the first AGN... WALL*MART!
[The camera zooms out to show the full scope of the store - it's massive. Everyone applauds and cheers]
erm2003: It's so... big!
Saffith: It's like we're a real town now. [The group finally arrive]
Darth: Finally, somewhere to pick up cheap Root Beer!
Cloral: Wait... isn't this where Bitchin' Pond used to be? Where we went swimming in the summer and stuff?
phanttonez: Yeah, but now it's a Wall*Mart!
Official: I know that with the opening of the AGN branch of Wall*Mart, you will all see your town completely change... Now shop friends, shop!
[The doors open and everyone streams in. Inside they find a spacious store, filled with almost everything you could imagine.]
gdorf: [Falling to his knees] It's beautiful!
[Cut to various shots of people grabbing various things - salt and peppers shakers, plastic plates, TV sets, blow-up dolls (Quagmire grabs one and runs off shot), and, finally, DVDs, where the gang is at. Darth is using the force to levitate about a dozen cases of Root Beer behind him, while Cloral has a basket full of groceries.]
Breaker: Check it out, guys! Time Cop on DVD. Three copies for eighteen bucks!
Aegix Dragon: Why the hell would you want three copies of the same movie?
Breaker: Because one copy is nine ninety-eight! But this way you save like twenty bucks!
Aegix Dragon: You only need one copy, artard!
Breaker: Okay, fine. YOU go ahead and buy one copy for nine ninety-eight!
Aegix Dragon: Okay, fine, I will! [He grabs a copy] Hey, wait a minute! I don't even want ONE copy of Time Cop! [He puts it back]
Breaker: ...neither do I. [Puts the three-pack back] What's this place doing to us?
[CUT TO an office window which looks over the store. The offical is in there, an evil look on his face.]
Official: Fools. Ignorant fools.
[The next morning, the gang are walking towards downtown.]
Cloral: Look, would you mind explaining why we're going to Jim's Drugs to buy paracetamol when Wall*Mart has them for half the price?
Breaker: I... I can't deal with Wall*Mart right now. There's eomething... wrong with that place. [They pass by Riverman, closing up his shop for the last time][/B]
Riverman: Oh, hey guys. Hope you didn't wanna buy anything, I'm going out of business.
Breaker: What? Why, Riverman?
Riverman: Well, I can't compete with Wall*Mart's low prices. Everyone's shopping there now, and... well, I can't make ends meet. [Darth pulls out a violin from his leather coat and starts playing it] I've got to sell the store and try to find some other line of work.
Breaker: [Glares at Darth] Knock it off, man!
Darth: What? Just felt like playing a little violin, is all.
Riverman: Look, I appreciate your business guys, but you'll just have to try somewhere else in town. Sorry. [He locks the door and walks away, sullen.]
Breaker: Damn, that sucks! He's had that store forever!
Cloral: That's called progress, Breaker.
Breaker: Yeah, but what about all the people getting laid off from the grocery stores? [Darth whips out the violin and starts playing it again] And what about all the- [Looks at Darth, takes away his violin, and smashes it on the ground]
Darth: Well, that was 5 bucks well spent.
Aegix Dragon: Come on, let's go to Main Street and support one of those stores.
[Downtown, later. The guys arrive at Main Street and are startled by what they see. Before them is a downtown that is shuttered and decayed. The asphalt is gone from the roads and eagles hover over the area. A window crashing makes them jump, and Mottzilla appears around a corner, making weird noises.]
Breaker: Mottzilla? What the hell are you doing?
Mottzilla: Huh? Oh, I'm just playing monster. It's pretty weird out here, thought I'd have some fun.
Darth: Yeah. It's even better if you can get a monster truck and just drive it up and down the streets. Monster mash! [He puts both hands in the air in that weird way with only the little and the index fingers up. The others just look at him, and he puts his hands back down] What? It's fun.
Aegix Dragon: We'd better tell the others what's happening down here.
[The AGN Cafe. The gang walk in only to find the place filled with items from Wall*Mart.]
Cloral: Hello? Anyone?
[A wail is heard from behind the stuff. Darth climbs over and finds Moocow lying against a box of crackers. Her face is covered with what look like glittery sores.]
Moocow: Darth? Is that... you?
Darth: Yeah, it's me. Guys, get over here!
Breaker: [Climbing over] Moocow? Jesus, what happened? Are you okay?
Moocow: Yeah... I'm just... really really tired. I... was shopping at Wall*Mart all night...
Aegix Dragon: But... your face!
Moocow: Checkout line... They had these... little stickers filled with glitter! They were only ninety nine cents for 15 of them. I couldn't resist! Do you want one? [She takes one and sticks it onto Darth's nose] It's a... turtle... [She falls over, asleep]
[Some time later, still in the AGN cafe. Most of the members are crammed in, and War Lord is addressing them all.]
War Lord: Ok. I think we're all agreed here that this has gone far enough, right?
Crowd: Yeah!
War Lord: Wall*Mart is destroying this place. You've seen the old hangouts - gone to dust because we never went there anymore.
Crowd: Damn straight!
War Lord: And to make matters worse, Mottzilla reports that Script Kiddies are starting to move in!
Crowd: What? Oh my God!
War Lord: Now I'm gonna march over to that store and demand that they leave! Are you with me?
Crowd: Yeah!
[War Lord walks out the door and everyone follows him. CUT TO the Wall*Mart store. War Lord is outside, and he turns to the group. The crowd, now carrying torches and pitchforks, look back at him. War Lord shakes his head.]
War Lord: God dammit, how many times do I have to tell you - we are not a mob!
[Various 'sorrys' are heard as the torches are extinguished and the pitchforks are passed to the side. Once done, they march into the store. In his office, the official, now store manager, reaches into his desk drawer and pulls out a bottle of liquor. He takes two sips and quickly hides it when he hears a knock at his door.]
Manager: Come in? [The crowd enter] Oh, hello fine shoppers. What can I do for you?
War Lord: Look. It's nothing personal, but we've decided we don't want your Wall*Mart here anymore.
Drunken Tiger: Yeah. it seems our old haunts is dying and good people are losing their jobs. We'd all like you... out of AGN.
Manager: Well... [He begins to cackle nervously] What? What, you think I want to be here? I hate this place. But it... won't let me leave.
mrz84: But you run the Wall*Mart.
Manager: Oh no! No no no! [He rises from his chair and moves towards the group] Wall*Mart... isn't run by anybody! First it reels you in with its bargains. Next thing you know you, you're workingbe at the Wall*Mart because it has all the jobs. Then you're sitting in a little office, trapped on all sides! Oh God!
Breaker: So why don't you just quit?
Manager: [Whispering loudly] Not so loud! It can hear you!
Breaker: You hate Wall*Mart too?
Manager: ACK! I didn't say that! I love Wall*Mart! With all its... fantastic bargains and one-stop shopping, who can't love it, right? [He turns around and grabs some papers] Uh, Wa-Wall*Mart takes the hassle out of shopping and, and makes it both affordable and fun. [He writes as he talks, then shows the group what he wrote: "NOT SAFE TO TALK HERE."] Ah- and Wall*Mart really gives back to the community! Us people are certainly happy to have a store like Wall*Mart, aren't we? [Writes some more and shows the group a second sheet: "MEET ME OUT BACK IN 5 MINS." He grimaces and tries to hint at them. The group leaves.]
erm2003: Hey, wait a minute, I think we just got screwed over.
Saffith: Yeah. That guy probably thinks he can get us to go away by being so goofy!
[Saffith circles his finger round his ear to indicate insanity. Seconds later the manager screams and flies out the window, only to end up hanging himself. The group looks on as the manager's pants drop off and poo follows shortly]
Darth: Ha! Told ya.
Cloral: God dammit.
[The AGN cafe, late evening. Aegix Dragon, Breaker and Cloral are sitting round a table while Darth is off in a corner, reading his book. Dechipher come in carrying three steaks and places them on the table.]
Cloral: [Sighs] I remember when we could afford to buy six steaks when we shopped at Wall*Mart.
Breaker: Yeah, but everyone agreed not to shop at Wall*Mart anymore.
Cloral: Gah! I know already! Leave me alone!
[The group starts eating their steaks. Very slowly. They're obviously used to having more than this. Aegix Dragon cuts his in half, then puts the halves on opposite sides of his plate before starting on one of them. While Cloral is trying to cut his, he slips and knocks his drink off the table. It hits the floor and breaks.]
Cloral: Oh Jesus, a broken glass! Well, I don't see any choice now! We have to go to Wall*Mart!
Darth: [Looks over] We do?
Cloral: Well where else are we gonna get a new glass at this hour?! Everyone get your coats on, we're goin' to Wall*Mart!
Dechipher: Actually, it's Ok, we've plenty more-
Cloral: Dammit, one person buying one glass isn't gonna make a difference! Now c'mon!
[CUT TO the Wall*Mart. The four arrive and see that the store is full of people. Cloral looks on in disbelief.]
Cloral: What the... [Moocow walks nearby] Moocow, what the hell are you doing? We said we weren't going to shop at the Wall*Mart anymore!
Moocow: Well where else was I gonna get a napkin dispenser at nine thirty at night?
Cloral: [Recognising others] Daarkseid! Drunken Tiger! Starkist! Now, come on people! What the hell is wrong with you?! Don't you see what you're all doing?!
phattonez:Well what are you doing here, Cloral?
Cloral: ...I came because I wanted to make sure nobody was shopping here.
Breaker: Dammit Cloral!
Cloral: Oh all right... eh, maybe I was gonna buy a glass. One glass! ... and some chips... And butter. [He pulls out a shopping list] And some new pliers.
Glenn the Great: Jesus! Look at us! We all don't like the Wall*Mart, but we can't stop coming here.
Anthony: It's like some mystical evil force.
Cloral: Yeah! This place has a power over us we can't resist! We have to find a way to put the AGN Wall*Mart out of business once and for all!
goKi: Let's burn it down!
The Cyborg:No no no, let's freeze it.
Jennifer: I think it's best we try to reason with it.
Breaker: No! All we have to do is not shop at Wall*Mart anymore! If you want it to go away, all it takes is a little self-control and personal responsibility.
[10 minutes later, the Wall*Mart is on fire and the shoppers are watching it burn from the outside. They all hold hands and start singing Kumbaya. CUT TO the guys walking down the road the next day]
Cloral: Well, good going, man. You just had to go and ruin everything, didn't you?
Breaker: Me? [Looks at Cloral] It wasn't MY idea to burn the Wall*Mart down.
Cloral: No, but YOU got everyone all worked up! You're jealous of the Wall*Mart. You always hated it.
Breaker: Look, this place is going to be better without the- [Breaker suddenly realizes that he can hear sounds of construction. He turns to look] What the hell?
[The gang rush onward and see the the Wall*Mart has been completely rebuilt. Dashing inside, they see that everything's running as if nothing had happened the night before. Breaker sees Vel and runs over to her.]
Breaker: What the hell is this? Why are you shopping here?
Vel: We can't destroy it. We just... have to learn to live with it.
Voice from behind:Can I help you?
[The guys turn round to see who's speaking to them and are shocked to see that it's War Lord, all dressed up in Wall*Mart employee clothing and complete with one of those irritating badges that says 'Hello My name is WAR LORD']
Aegix Dragon: War Lord? What are you doing?!
War Lord: You get a discount working here. Ten percent. That means the bargains are even better.
Darth: But you're a rapper!
War Lord: Yeah, they don't discriminate against us here.
Breaker: Wait - what?
War Lord: I'll make less money, sure, but... as long as I buy everything at Wall-Mart, it'll all even out. Don't you see? Wall*Mart isn't our enemy, it's our neighborhood friend. [As he says this, he gets out a pad of paper and writes on it. He shows it to the group - it reads 'Break in 5 minutes. Meet me outside'. The gang nod and walk back to the entrance, where they see a driver lifting I-beams into place with his crane]
Breaker: Hey! HEY! [The driver looks at him] Who the hell told you to put this thing back up?!
Driver: Sorry kid, we've got orders from corporate headquarters.
Breaker: But nobody wants a Wall*Mart here!
Driver: Well, you're gonna have to talk to the higher-ups about that. My hands are tied.
Aegix Dragon: Where are they?
Driver: Bentonville, Arkansas. That's where Wall*Mart started, that's where all the bigwigs are. [He drives away as War Lord emerges, presumably on his break.]
War Lord: Hey guys.
Breaker: War Lord! We've got to stop this!
War Lord: Look, I'm with you. I hate it here, but I just couldn't resist, y'know?
Darth: ...not really.
War Lord: ...huh. Whatever, that's not the worst of it. Y'know those script kiddies I mentioned?
Aegix Dragon: Yeah?
War Lord: Mottzilla's doing recon at the moment, but the last report I got from him indicated there were almost a hundered of them in the old hangouts.
Darth: Jesus Christ! That many?
War Lord: I last heard from him 2 days ago... it's probably twice that, if not more.
Aegix Dragon: Holy crap! What the hell are we gonna do?
Breaker: Ok. We need to stop Wall*Mart AND we need to get rid of these script kiddies. We're gonna need to split up. Me, Aegix Dragon and Cloral will go to Bentonville and try to shut down Wall*Mart. Darth, you think you can handle the script kiddies?
Darth: Hell yeah!
Breaker: Alright. Then let's get going. We'll see you later Darth. Good hunting.
[War Lord goes back inside the store and Darth heads off towards the old haunts where the script kiddies now reside while the others head over to the bus station. Suddenly Cloral freezes in place.]
Cloral: Whoa, Pixie Sticks, twenty-nine cents? [He starts to hears sounds] Wall*Mart? ...Are you speaking to me? ...My friends? ...Trying to hurt you again? [Frowns in anger] Yes, Wall*Mart. I understand. [With a look of determination, he follows after the others]
[A bus drives past a big sign which says 'Welcome to Bentonville, Home of Wall*Mart' before pulling up to a bus station, where the guys get off]
Aegix Dragon: Damm, that was a long 9 hours.
Breaker: It wouldn't have taken so long if the tires hadn't been slashed.
Cloral: I know! Wasn't it weird how both tires were slashed like that? We must have been really unlucky, huh?
[Breaker stares at Cloral, who puts on an innocent face. He shakes his head and starts walking towards a building marked as 'Wall*Mart Corporate headquarters']
Breaker: ...whatever. C'mon, let's get that store shut down.
[CUT TO inside the Corporate Headquarters. A cavernous warehouse opens up before them, with busy workers moving boxes and such forth. The guys stare at this as a receptionist come to greets them]
Receptionist: Hey guys. Can I help you?
Breaker: Yeah. We've come to complain. We don't want a Wall*Mart in our town.
Receptionist: Who does? Nobody likes what the Wall*Mart does, but it keeps... right on doing it. God help us...
Breaker: We want to talk to who's in charge.
Receptionist: In charge? Well, I guess that would be Harvey Brown. He's the current president of Wall*Mart. One of the original creators.
Aegix Dragon: Where's he?
[Cut to a shot of an ashtray. A hand rubs spent cigarette butts into it. The camera pulls out to reveal the president of Wall*Mart sitting at a bar with the guys standing behind him. There's several empty glasses next to the president, and a pair of scrumpled up cigarette packets]
Harvey Brown: We... invented the Wall*Mart Super Center in 1987. The idea was simple: build a store for one-stop shopping where bulk purchases could keep prices incredibly low. [Defeated, he buries his face in his left hand] We didn't know what we were doing. In just four years, it was out of control.
Breaker: So how do we stop it?
Harvey Brown: [He raises his head] You don't stop it. You can't.
Breaker: There has to be a way!
Harvey Brown: There's nothing! Don't you understand?! Nothing can stop the Wall*Mart in your town! ...Unless...of course, you can find and destroy its heart.
Cloral: Heart of Wall*Mart? Okay, I think this guy's had one too many.
Breaker: ...whaddya mean, heart of Wall*Mart?
Harvey Brown: Every Wall*Mart has a heart, somewhere near the television department. Destroy the heart and you could reverse the entire process!
Cloral: Ok, shut up now, alright?
Aegix Dragon: [To Cloral] Shush! [To Harvey] Why don't you guys just destroy the heart?
Harvey Brown: You think we didn't try? The Wall*Mart stops you. Plenty of people have tried - Union leaders, nature activists, even the best fair-trade lawyers tried to stop the Wall*Mart and now? They are Wall*Mart shoppers all.
Breaker: All right. Come on you guys, we'd better get back. It's not as if we've got any other solutions, right? [They all turn and start to leave]
Harvey Brown: [Shaking his head] It won't work, don't you understand?! It isn't gonna stop until there's nothing but Wall*Mart left! Jesus, what did we do?? WHAT DID WE DO?? [The guys are at the doors, about to leave. Mr. Brown spins around on his stool] Guys! [They turn and see him take a gun to his head] Tell the world... Im sorry!
Aegix Dragon: Jesus, don't do it!
[Mr. Brown shoots himself through the temple and falls over on his left side, dead. Seconds later he craps through his pants, leaving a hole in them and a falled bar stool nearby. A few moments of shock pass, and then Cloral's mobile phone starts ringing. He answers it]
Darth: Ha! Told you. [He hangs up]
Cloral: ...how the hell does he do that?
Breaker: He's a Sith Lord, he can do all sorts of weird stuff.
Aegix Dragon: I wonder how he's doing with those script kiddies?
Darth Marsden
04-26-2007, 06:24 PM
...continued...
[CUT TO Darth being forced down a dark, dirty corridor by a bunch of script kiddies armed with M4s. His hands are tied behind his back and his right shoulder, the one he injured during my last 'epic', is stained with blood. Darth is not best pleased as the events that have led him here.]
Darth: If I hadn't made that phone call, you'd all be soooooo dead.
Script Kiddie: 5hut up! 0ur l33t hax0r p0w3r5 hav3 l3d u5 t0 v1ct0ry! Y00 sha11 pay f0r y0ur cr1m3s!
[Darth is led into what used to be a great hall that has fallen into disrepear. Mottzilla is chained to the wall, but when he sees Darth he manages to raise his head and smily weakly. Darth smiles back before being led onward to a computer chair placed upon a table. One of the script kiddies hits him in the back of the legs with his gun and Darth falls onto his knees painfully. He looks up as the chair spins round, revealing LightningZ, wearing some rubbish papier mache crown and a stained 'l33t hax0r' t-shirt. He stands up.]
LightningZ: Ah, 50 thi5 i5 th3 a55h0l3 wh0 ha5 b33n f0rcing u5 t0 r3turn t0 0ur pr3vi0u5 5av3 p0int5!
Darth: If you're gonna talk to me, at least do it in English, you moron.
LightningZ: 5IL3NC3! Y0u wi11 n0t disr35p3ct m3 in my n3w w0rld!
Darth: Oh for the love of...
LightningZ: Y0u 5ha11 pay f0r y0ur crim35!
Darth: God, shut up, you're giving me a headache... [Darth suddenly gets an idea and closes his eyes]
LightningZ: Th3r3 hav3 b33n t00 many r35tart5 b3cau53 0f y00! I hav3 d3vi53d a m05t appr0piat3 t0rtur3 f0r y00, my fri3nd, a m05t appr0piat3... [LightningZ stops in mid-sentance and puts one hand to his head] 0w! what... what i5 thi5? What i5 in my h3ad? [He clutches at his head with both hands in agony] Augh! Mak3 th3 pain g0 away! G3t it 0ut 0f my...
[Before he can finish his sentance, his head quite literally explodes. Brain matter and blood fly all over the room. The script kiddies panic and start running around as Darth finally opens his eyes. Seizing the opportunity, he runs over to where Mottzilla is.]
Darth: You alright?
Mottzilla: I'm surviving. What happened to your arm?
Darth: One of the little buggers whacked me in the shoulder with their rifle... managed to clip me right at the joint. It's gonna hurt for weeks... C'mon, let's get out of here. [Darth tears the binding holding his wrists together apart with absolutely no effort. Seeing Mottzilla's puzzled look, he smiles] Script kiddies. Can't do anything right to save their lives. Try it. [Mottzilla does, and finds that the chains aren't even locked.]
Mottzilla: Amateurs. I've got a ride out back - let's go.
[The pair run out of the building, and Darth sees that Mottzilla's ride is a Monster Truck.]
Darth: Sweet!
Mottzilla: What can I say? You were right. Now let's go!
[Darth climbers onto the back of the truck while Mottzilla gets in the drivers seat. He turns the key and the engine stutters. He does this a few times as Darth grows impatient.]
Darth: C'mon! They're gonna be after us any minute!
Mottzilla: The damn thing won't start!
Darth: ...how's the gas?
Mottzilla: [He checks. It's on empty] Oops.
Darth: Dammit Mottzilla!
Mottzilla: I've been a little busy, Ok? Gas wasn't exactly the first thing on my mind at the time!
Darth: Honestly... you got any more?
Mottzilla: There should be a spare can round the back...
Darth: [Checks, he sees it] Yeah, it's there. [He sees script kiddies coming from the building] Great, that's ALL we need. I'll buy us some time. Get that thing fueled up!
[Darth jumps down from the back of the monster truck and moves to thrust his right arm out before grabbing it in pain. Remembering, he instead reaches out with his left hand and his lightsaber flies down from on to off a lamppost into his hand. He ignites it and starts slashing at the script kiddies who come pouring out of the back door. Meanwhile, Mottzilla reaches for the gas can, grabs it and fills up the gas tank. Finishing, he throws the can to the ground, shoves the gas cap back in and heads back into the drivers seat.]
Mottzilla: Darth! Let's go!
Darth: [Mumbling to himself] About bloody time. [He runs back to the truck and jumps onto the back] Floor it!
[Mottzilla does. The truck flies forward and Darth whoops like a redneck as they fly down the street. A few blocks down however, several script kiddies appear riding quad bikes and start chasing them
Darth: Dammit, we got company! You got any weapons on this thing?
Mottzilla: Sorry, they cost extra!
Darth: Figures. [He flings his saber backwards and it spins straight into one of the bikes, slicing off it's front wheels. It flips forwards and sends the driver straight into the tarmac as the saber returns to Darth] Can you go any faster?
Mottzilla: We're at top speed! That a problem?
Darth: No, just checking. [Darth repeats the process, but the quad bike swerves out of the way. The driver starts firing his gun at the monster truck] Dammit, they're actually learning!
Mottzilla: You're kidding!
Darth: Wish I were! Hard brake! [Mottzilla does just that. The quad bike rams straight into the back of the monster truck and the driver's gun flies straight into Darth's hand] Thank you. [To Mottzilla] Full throttle, if you would!
Mottzilla: Gotcha.
[Darth blasts one of the other quad bikes with the gun and it swerves into a lamppost. The driver goes flying]
Script Kiddie: 533? I hav3 u53d my aw350m3 hax t0 3nabl3 flying m0d3!
[He promptly smacks into another lamppost. Darth check the gun's clip - three bullets. He carefully takes aim and fires at another quad bike. The front right tire goes and the driver struggles to keep it straight. While it's turned slightly, Darth shoots the left rear tire out and the quad bike goes flying. He then turns to the last two quads and casually shoots at one of the drivers. Go into Slow Motion as we follow the bullet straight into the middle of the driver's head. He falls off the bike and it slows to a halt. The gun empty, Darth throws it at the remaining driver. It hits him square in the face, and he veers into another building, where it explodes. Darth grins maniacally as he turns round and faces forward]
Darth: That's the last of them.
Mottzilla: You sure?
[Mottzilla points ahead. The camera zooms forward to reveal a script kiddie with a rocket launcher aimed right at the truck.]
Rocket Kiddie: F3ar my 133t r0ck3t 5ki115!
[He fires the rocket. Speed back to the truck]
Darth: GET DOWN!
[Mottzilla does so as Darth throws his arm forward. The front and rear windscreen shatter and the rocket jumps upward slightly. It flies straight through the front windshield and right past Darth's face - again, in Slow Motion, so we see Darth turning his head and looking at the rocket as it goes past - before it flies onward and blows up of its own accord. CUT TO the rocket kiddie, who looks dismayed that his plan has failed. Too late, he realises he shouldn't be standing in the middle of the road, and he gets smacked straight in the face by the monster truck. A little blood flies through the open windshield.]
Mottzilla: Eww...
Darth: Ah, suck it up, ya baby. C'mon, let's get back to the Wall*Mart and let War Lord know we're done cleaning up.
Mottzilla: But it's all over my shirt...
Darth: How'd ya think I feel? I got blood on mine too!
Mottzilla: Yeah, but it's not script kiddie blood, is it?
Darth: ...Ok, I'll give you that.
[The truck speeds out of sight. CUT TO A stormy night in front of Wall*Mart. Aegix Dragon and Breaker arrive dressed in camouflage.]
Breaker: All right, this is it! If Wall*Mart has a heart, we have to find it and destroy it! No matter what the Wall*Mart does to try to stop us, we have to be strong! Let's do it.
Cloral: Rushes in and blocks their path, holding a pistol] I'm afraid not, Breaker! Wall*Mart is a great store! I can't let you fools ruin its terrific bargains! You see, I was working for Wall*Mart all along!
Breaker: ...yeah, I know.
Cloral: ...no you didn't.
Breaker: ...yeah, I did. You weren't very covert about it.
Cloral: ...how do you mean?
Breaker: ...you've always been defending Wall*Mart, right from the beginning, you were obviously the one who slashed the bus tires in Arkansas, and you were trying to get the Wall*Mart president to shut up, AND you made us stop and buy that gun on the way back for no apparent reason! C'mon, it was painfully obvious [Cloral babbles loudly to drown him out] you were gonna turn on us!
Cloral: [Hands over ears] I can't hear you! Lalalalalala! [Once he's sure Breaker is quiet, he uncovers his ears and holds out the gun again] I'm sorry, guys, but if you want to hurt the Wall*Mart, you'll have to go through me!
Breaker: ..great. This is all we need.
[In the distance, the monster truck can be heard. Suddenly it burst over into the car park and heads straight for the guys. Cloral turns and screams as it executes a handbreak turn, only for it to stop right next to him. He breathes a sigh of relief, only for Darth to jump down and whack him over the head with his unlit lightsaber. Mottzilla climbs out and starts trying to brush the blood off his shirt]
Breaker: Hey guys.
Darth: Hey. You got a plan?
Breaker: Yep. Go in, find the heart, kill it dead.
Darth: Cool. [They all start walking towards the entrance. Cloral gets back up, and Darth throws the saber at him without looking. It clonks him on the head and he falls unconscious as the saber returns to Darth's hand.]
Aegix Dragon: What happened to your arm, Darth?
Darth: I injured it while fighting off a dragon in order to save the Princess of Azahn.
Aegix Dragon: ...right. Note to self: Don;t ask Darth anything ever again.
[Aegix Dragon, Breaker, Darth and Mottzilla enter the store and walk past MasterSwordUltima, who's dressed in Wall*Mart employee clothing and greeting people as they enter the store]
MasterSwordUltima: Welcome to Wall*Mart.
Breaker: Cram it, ya corporate lacky!
Mottzilla: Where we headed?
Aegix Dragon: We've gotta find the television department. [The lights flicker and turn off. War Lord leaps into view in front of the boys, carrying an ax. The guys jump backwards and express surprise]
War Lord: Hey guys, these axes are only four ninety-nine.
Breaker: Dammit War Lord!
Darth: We know how to destroy the Wall*Mart!
War Lord: Shh! What are you talking about?
Breaker: One of the creators told us. You have to take your keys over to the television department.
War Lord: Television department... All right, come on, let's go! [The group moves down the aisle for some distance. Suddenly War Lord stops and jumps] Oh my God!
Mottzilla: What?
War Lord: Those two-dollar salt-and-pepper shakers! They were three dollars five minutes ago! The Wall*Mart is lowering its prices trying to stop us!
Breaker: Come on, we've got to try to make it to the back! [The group make their way to the back of the store, but War Lord can't help but look at all the bargains]
War Lord: Gaaahh! Don't look! Don't look at its bargains! [They come across a bunch of bikes priced at $29.99. They scream and run off. The guys run down another aisle, but War Lord isn't with them.]
Darth: I think I see the television department in the back!
Breaker: Is that the right way, War Lord? [He looks around, then turns to his right. Aegix Dragon turns to his left. Both of them see War Lord]
War Lord: This... this screwdrivier set is only nine ninety-eight!
Aegix Dragon: C'mon, we're nearly there!
War Lord: I can't make it, guys! You're gonna have to go on without me!
Aegix Dragon: But we need your keys!
War Lord: This bargain is too great for me! I'm gonna have to buy these! Here! Take the keys and go on! [He tosses the keys to Breaker, who catches them] The television department is near the back! Next to the cell phones! Go! Hurry! I'm gonna go buy these screwdrivers!
[The guys leave the aisle and reach the television department. The wall is lined with TVs of all sizes. A hand appears and presses a button, and all the TVs turn on, showing Breaker and Darth on screen. The camera pans over to the guys, who are looking at a man dressed in white.]
Man: Hello. Congratulations on getting this far.
Breaker: [Stepping forward] ...who are you?
Man: I am... Wall*Mart.
Darth: [Also steps forward] That makes absolutely no sense.
Wall*Mart: I've taken this form in order to talk to you. But I can take many forms. [He dons a bowler hat] Does this suit you better? Or perhaps you prefer this form? [He takes off the hat and puts on a robe] I can take whichever form I like. [He removes the robe and puts on a pirate hat and black patch over his left eye.]
Breaker: ...look, we don't want your store in our town. We've come to destroy you.
Darth: Right. So where's the heart?
Wall*Mart: To find the heart of Wall*Mart, one must first ask oneself 'Who is it that asked the question?' [Breaker and Darth look at each other]
Darth: ...me. I'm asking the question.
Wall*Mart: Ah, yes, but who are you?
Darth: ...I'm Darth Marsden. Or Chris, if you wanna be specific. Now where's the heart?
Wall*Mart: Ah. You know the answer, but not the question!
Breaker: The question is 'Where's the heart', you fruitloop.
Wall*Mart: Very well. You want to see the heart of Wall*Mart? It lies beyond that plasma-screen television. [The boys look to their right and walk over. They open a small door marked 'EMPLOYEES ONLY' and see themselves in a mirror]
Breaker: ...it's a mirror.
Wall*Mart: Yes, don't you see? That is the heart of Wall*Mart. You, the consumer. I take may forms: Wall*Mart, K*Mart, Target, but I am one single entity: Desire!
Breaker: [Turns to Darth] Well, the guy in Arkansas said to destroy the heart. [Darth ignites his saber and throws it into the mirror, which shatters]
Wall*Mart: Gaaah! NO! NO, what have you done?? [The building begins to rumble] Now you shall see my true form! [He removes the hat and eyepatch and puts on a baseball cap which reads 'Wall*Mart'] Now you see me as I truly am!
Breaker: We'd better get out of here. [Outside, Cloral wakes up and witnesses the Wall*Mart's self-immolation. Inside, the gang are making their way to the front doors]
Warlock: Get out! It's gonna blow! [The shoppers pay heed]
Breaker: Hey, come on! We've gotta get out!
War Lord: It's too late for me! I... I have to buy this stuff! [Darth bops him over the head with his saber and slings him over his good shoulder]
Darth: C'mon, this place is gonna blow! Everybody out now!
[CUT TO outside on the parking lot, night. The building begins to collapse as everyone gathers in the parking lot. The building implodes into a shining blue dot, then reappears as crap, which falls to the ground where the Wall*Mart once stood. Everyone looks on in astonishment, then Darth smiles and nudges Cloral]
Darth: See? Told ya. [He puts the waking War Lord down on the ground]
Kairyu: Guys, you did it! You killed the Wall*Mart!
PrrKitty: How'd you do it?
Breaker: All Wall*Marts start a self-destruction sequence if you break a mirror in the back.
War Lord: [Getting up] We... we know how to destroy it now. Spread the word to all the towns! [Nearby, a soldier sits at the ready to send out the news on a telegraph. At War Lord's command, he starts tapping rapidly]
Cloral: Wait. I think I understand the symbolism of the mirror. The Wall*Mart... is us.
Darth: Duh.
War Lord: No, I get it too. See, if we like our small-town charm more than the big corporate bullies, we all have to be willing to... pay that little bit more.
Cloral: Yeah. Let's all go shop at Riverman's down the street!
[The crowd approves and marches down the street. CUT TO Riverman's store, later. He reopens for business and the crowd flocks to his store. Later, the small store is replaced by a larger two-story building, which in turn is replaced by a huge building reminiscent of the departed Wall*Mart, which in turn leads to the store's demise by fire]
Crowd: ...Oh Lord, Kumbaya.
Cloral: All right, let's not make that mistake again.
Koopa: Yeah, let's all shop over at True Value!
[The crowd yell out in approval and move over to the store. Darth is left behind, his right arm now in a sling.]
Darth: God dammit.
Darth Marsden
04-26-2007, 06:31 PM
Episode III - Season Premier
[The AGN cafe, night. War Lord is closing up and is cleaning up while humming to himself in a contented manner. He's placing chairs upside down on top of tables when he hears a knock at the door. He answers it to find a square headed man and woman]
War Lord: Look, we're closed. Come back in the morning.
Man: Uh, we're not here for food. Are you War Lord?
War Lord: ...yeah.
Man: My name is Harry Gints and this is my wife Elise. We're from Canada.
War Lord: [Looks at them] Yeah, I can tell.
Harry: My wife and I used to own this restaurant a few years back. I'd inherited it and, well, we weren't ready for the responsibility of owning a store, so we... we put it up for sale. We heard you were the one who...
Elise: Oh God, Harry! [She rushes in] Look what they've done with this place!
War Lord: Ok, just what the hell is going on?
[A few minutes later. The new couple are sitting at one of the tables. After a minute War Lord comes from the back carrying three cups of coffee. He puts them on the table and sits down. Harry takes a sip from his drink]
Harry: It was a tough time for us. It was a tough time for all of Canada. The whole country was devastated by the cola wars. It just seemed we couldn't take care of a store, let alone a restaurant.
Elise: So we put it up on the market. But as the years passed, I, I just felt an emptiness in my heart. God, it's so good to see this place again!
War Lord: Well I wish you all the best, Mr. and Mrs. Gints, but to be honest, I think it would be best for everyone if you didn't come around again.
Elise: I don't think you understand. We didn't come to visit this place, we came to take it back.
War Lord: Wait... what?
Harry: We want to take back ownership off this place.
War Lord: WHAT? You gave this place up. You can't just change your mind!
Harry: Changing your mind is a Canadian custom that we hold quite dear. And besides, the new Canadian Prime Minister has issued a decree that all former Canadian property must be returned to it's original Canadian owners.
War Lord: The new Canadian Prime Minister? What are you, insane? This place belongs to me now!
Harry: It doesn't belong to you! It belongs to it's original owners... it's Canadian owners.
War Lord: Ok, that's it. I think you'd better leave. Now.
Elise: Please, don't make things difficult for yourself.
War Lord: Difficult for ME? You just waltz in here and tell me you're talking back MY hard earned property? Who the hell do you think you are?
Harry: We're prepared to go to court over this. We had hoped it wouldn't come to that, but if you're going to be this way...
War Lord: You're damned right I'm gonna be this way! I'll see you in court!
[CUT TO courtroom, a few days later. The Canadian couple are there, along with War Lord and most of the AGN regulars. War Lord stands before the judge.]
Judge: I'm sorry to say that my hands are tied. The new Prime Minister of Canada has authority this court cannot override. By Canadian law I must award ownership of the property to its original Canadian owners.
The Gintses: Yes!
War Lord: No!
MasterSwordUltima: Wait... where the hell are we gonna hang out now?
Warlock: [Turning to Darth, who's sitting next to him, his right hand in his pocket] Can't you do anything?
Darth: Not in a court of law. My parole officer made that quite clear.
[Outside the AGN cafe, which now has 'Sorry, we're closed' and 'Under new ownership' signs displayed. War Lord locks the door and hands the keys over to Harry Gint, overwatched by Warlock]
War Lord: Just... take care of it. Promise... promise me that.
Harry: Don't worry. We will.
Warlock: [Gives the Gints a look of disgust] You'd BETTER.
[The Gints recoil a little, then get into their car and drive away. Daarkseid looks on and watches them speed off before walking over to War Lord.]
Warlock: Can't we, I dunno, appeal or something? Maybe talk to this new Prime Minister of Canada?
War Lord: [Holding back tears] Appealing to the Prime Minister of Canada would take... time and money I just don't have.
[CUT TO another street. Daarkseid, Darth and Moocow are sitting on a bench running through a catalog which Darth has in his lap and is flicking through with his left hand. His right hand doesn't move from his pocket. He stops on the Doctor Who page and points to a Cyberman doll.]
Darth: That right there. The 12 inch tall fully flexible Cyberman action figure. THAT'S what I've ordered. I mean, everything else from this page is pretty good, but that thing in particular, y'know?
Moocow: Yeah, that would be pretty cool if you're into the show.
Darth: ...are you saying you're not?
Moocow: ...I just never really got into it.
Darth: I don't know you. You are a stranger to me.
Warlock: [Walks into shot] Hey guys. Can I talk to you?
Daarkseid: Sure. What's up?
Warlock: ...it's the cafe. I mean, it's been a week now and I just... I don't know what to do. I HAVE to try to go to Canada and speak with the new Canadian Prime Minister, but I can't do it alone.
Daarkseid: Look, we're all pretty down about it, but we'll find somewhere else.
Warlock: Please you guys, you don't understand. War Lord is devastated. Drunken Tiger just walks around the place like a zombie, and Beldaran can't stop crying.
Darth: Seriously? Beldaran's crying? Wuss.
Warlock: I've found the number for a really cheap airline to Canada. If we go as soon as possible, then-
Darth: Look man, we can't just up and go to Canada. The new series of Doctor Who starts at the weekend... it's like the social event of the century! [Moocow looks at him] Ok, year. Look, maybe we'll find some other way of getting the store back. Y'know, when the series has finished.
[The group start walking off. After walking a short distance, they find that most of the other AGN regulars have gathered around, holding some sort of meeting, which VEL is heading. They walk up and listen in.]
VEL: Ok, quiet guys. Let me speak. Now we know that War Lord has lost ownership of AGN cafe. So what are we gonna do about it?
gdorf: How about we get rid of all the Mexicans?
VEL: Gdorf, every time we hold a meeting you suggest we get rid of all the Mexicans, and every time we tell you 'NO!'
gdorf: ...rats.
VEL: Any other SENSIBLE suggestions?
Starkist: War Lord needs money to appeal that case to the new Canadian Prime Minister. How about instead of sitting around watching TV, we all take up a collection and try to raise money for him?
VEL: Yeah, that sounds good. Are we in?
Crowd: YEAH!
Saffith: How about we go one step further and cancel our TV licenses! Then we add the money we save from that to the collection!
Darth: [Slightly worried] Oh come on, that's just ridiculous... canceling your TV licenses... you wouldn't last a week!
Crowd: YEAH!
Darth: [Panicking] What? No!
Koopa: Yeah, I hardly watch the thing these days anyway!
Darth: [Losing it] You... you can't! Not this weekend! NO!
VEL: Ok, it's decided! We'll all cancel out TV licenses and give the money we save to War Lord!
Crowd: YEAH!
VEL: Let's get to it!
[The crowd quickly disperses as Darth falls to his knees]
Darth: KHAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!
Warlock: Look man, I'm sorry. But there is something we can do. We can go to Canada and see the Prime Minister like I said. If we can change his mind before Saturday, then these guys can get their licenses back in time for you to see your new episode.
Darth: [Getting up] You really think if we go to Canada I can still catch Doctor Who?
Warlock: It's worth a shot. Come on, you guys, we can do this.
Moocow: I'm up for it. I keep wanting to go on one of these adventures that have started have started happening lately.
Darth: Alright, fine, we'll go to bloody Canada. But so help you God Warlock, if this doesn't work and I miss the first episode of a show I've been waiting 9 months for, I am going to kick your freakin' ass.
[City Wok, night. A sign reading "Chinese Food For Teh Win" is displayed in the store, while the owner, Mr. Kim, sits at one of his tables with nothing to do]
Mr Kim: No business... Nobody wanna eat-a Chinese food. Looks like I might as well close. [A phone rings. He perks up and runs to get it] Oh boy! Some business! [He puts on his chef hat and grabs a notepad] Finally! [He grabs the phone and waits for the order] Herro? Chitty Wok, take ur orda prease! [CUT TO Warlock on the other end of the phone, with Daarkseid, Darth and Moocow in the background. Through the next sequence, it cuts between Mr Kim and Warlock]
Warlock: Uh, I must have the wrong number. We were trying to reach City Airlines.
Mr Kim: Oh, oh yes, just a moment prease. [He flips a sign over so it now reads "City Airlines" and switches to a captain's hat] Herro, Chitty Airrines. Can I help you take ur orda prease?
Warlock: Uh, we need to go to Canada. As soon as possible.
Mr Kim: Oooh, Canada. Ok, that's uh pretty far. Gonna cost ya a rot of money... hm... let's she. How many people?
Warlock: Four.
Mr Kim: Ok. Four people, Canada, cost a rot of money, that uh gonna be about ah six thousand five hundred daura.
Warlock: [He takes out his wallet and checks it] ...how about fifty daura?
Mr Kim: Fifty daura?! You flighn to Canada cost at reast three thousand daura!
Warlock: Fifty-five daura.
Mr Kim: Hey! Stop wasting my time wa fifty-five daura! No way I take my plane to Canada for less than a thousand daura!
Warlock: Ok. Sixty daura.
Mr Kim: Sixty-two daura.
Warlock: Done.
Mr Kim: Ok, meet me AGN Airfield, yellow Cessna, tail number 432G.
Warlock: Got it. [He hangs up]
Mr Kim: [Hangs up, then giggles] Hehehehe, never try to barter with a Chinese man.
[CUT TO AGN Airfield, night. A plane comes in for a landing in the background as the group approach the yellow Cessna. Darth is anxiously looking at his watch]
Darth: We have exactly fifty-two hours before the new series of Who starts. That means we have to be back in twenty-eight hours to still give ourselves enough time to renew our TV licenses so we can watch it and not get busted by those bloody cops who always seem to know about these things. Everyone synchronize watches on my mark. Mark. [They all sychronise their watches. Darth does this with some difficulty - his watch hand is still in his pocket]
Mr Kim: Herro, welcome Chitty Airrine. [Warlock and Darth move towards the plane. Daarkseid stops in his tracks, as does Moocow]
Moocow: Oh no, no no nono, I am NOT flying in that thing!
Daarkseid: Me neither!
Warlock: What? Why not?
Daarkseid: Look at that thing!
Warlock: What... it's fine. Come on!
Moocow: I am not going to die in a confined space with four people I barely even know!
Darth: Dammit, get in the plane before I throw you in there!
[CUT TO inside the Cessna. It's pretty cramped.]
Daarksied: Ah man, it smells like Kung Pao chicken in here!
Mr Kim: Okay, welcome aboard Chitty Airrines. This is your captain speaking. Rooking about a two hour fright. I'll be turning on the seatbelt sign now. If your seats have seatbelts, this is the time you will fasten them. Please sit back, relax, and enjoy your Chitty fright. [He turns off the intercom and takes flight after a small bump.]
Warlock: All right! We're going to Canada!
[Cessna 432G, day. The flight has clearly taken longer than two hours. The guys are sleeping in their seats - and so is Mr Kim. The plane begins to hit turbulence and lose power]
Mr Kim: Hey, turn off the right. ...Wha- oh! [A sudden noisy dip awakens the others]
Moocow: Wha... what's going on??
Mr Kim: Herro from the cockpit, this is your captain speaking. As you can see, it appears that we are goin' down. Now would be a good time to refrect on your rife, and pray to whatever deity you bereive in. Thank you for flying Chitty Airlines. We know you have a choice in airlines, and it looks like you made the wrong one. [He quickly puts on a parachute and opens his door to drop away]
Daarkseid: Hey, where the hell are you going?! [Mr. Kim jumps out and away. A few seconds later he pulls the rip cord and the parachute comes out]
Moocow: Quick, wake Darth!
Warlock: [First prods Darth, then hits him, then in frustration slams his head into the back of the seat] Dammit, he's out for the summer! Someone grab the controls!
[Daarkseid jumps into the front seat, grabs the controls and tries to steer the plane, with limited success. The plane makes a steep descent and crashes onto the ground. It flips over and crumples up, resting near a town. A lone 'Ow' is heard from Darth as the group scrambles out of the rubble and walks into the town. A pair of legs is seen at a nearby bench, but no head is shown. The guys are aware of being watched.]
Warlock: Guys... I don't think we're in AGN anymore... [As they look in one direction, four Canadians pop up from some bushes and look at them. They drop back into the bushes before the group turn back around]
Canadian Man: Eh-xcuse me? [A head pops up over the legs at the bench] Uh, is this an invasion?
Moocow: ...no.
Canadian Man: Oh thank heavens! It's okay. Everyone, it's not an invasion! [People come out of their hiding places. A man pops up out of a manhole mumbling something as the others mill around]
Warlock: Hey! We're in Canada!
Canadian Man: Well of course you are! And Canada Friends welcomes you!
Canadians: [The people start singing] Welcome, friends, to Canada! Canada Friends loves you!
We're just like any other country without the big tattoo!
Sailor: [Walks up, sings his line] We greet thee with pleasure, but one question, if we may?
Businessman: [Walks up and joins him in singing] What brings you folks to Canada? Why are you here today?
Warlock: Uh...
Daarkseid: A Canadian couple came over and took over our cafe, and we wanna talk to the new Canadian prime Minister about getting it back.
Canadians: [Still singing] Their cafe is their quest. The question is, is what? You must talk to the new Prime Minister if you think hangout is back there.
Darth: Oh, Jesus Christ.
Scott: [Walks into shot] Hey! What the hell is going on?!
Canadians: It's Scott! AAAAHHHH! [They all take off in different directions]
Moocow: What's the big deal? We've got a Sith Lord.
Darth: ...a Sith Lord with a freakin' headache, mind.
Scott: [Fixes his gaze on the group and approaches] A-ha! Americans! I should've known! You think you're the police of the world! You think you own Canada! Well, you aren't welcome here! Get out now!
Darth: I've had enough of this. [Ignites his saber and holds it threateningly] I'm a bloody Brit, and I'm armed, so piss off, you sodding little twat!
Scott: [Backs away] This isn't over, you American scum! I swear to God: you'll rue this day!! [Runs off]
Man in Barrel: [Emerges from hiding along with everyone else] God, what a dick!
Darth: [Turns saber off] Look, we don't have a lot of time here, Ok? Can you just tell us where the new Prime Minister is?
Doctor: The new Prime Minister doesn't live in this part of Canada. He's in Ottawa. [The other Canadians concur]
Warlock: So how do we get to Ottawa?
Wrestler: Oh that's easy. You just have to follow the road.
Daarkseid: Which road?
Firefighter: This is Canada. We only have one road. [He moves to one side and the crowd splits in two to allow the group through]
Priest: [Starts singing] Follow the only road
Man: [Also singing] Follow the only road
Canadians: [All singing] To go anywhere in Canada, you just follow the only road.
There's only one road in Canada. We call it the Road, the only road.
Hip-hip, hooray, let's hear it for our Road.
Road Workers: It's paved and wide and up to code.
Darth: [Holding his head in his left hand - his right is still in his pocket] Let's get the hell out of here.
Moocow: Word.
Canadians: [Still singing] You're off to see the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister of Canada!
Doctor: Good-bye, friends! Good luck with the new Prime Minister! And remember to watch out for Scott! He's a dick!
Canadians: Good-bye, good-bye, see ya, good luck, etc.
[The group walks down the only road, unaware that Scott, the dick, is watching them from behind a tree. He smiles evilly and starts jabbering away into a mobile phone]
[Cut to further down the road, sometime later. The group are walking onwards while Darth is checking his watch. He's taken it off his permanently-pocketed right hand and is holding it in his left]
Darth: Twenty hours until Who starts. We'll still have time to renew our licenses IF we hurry. [A mountie appears before them]
Mountie: Ahoy there, travelers.
Daarkseid: Who are you?
Mountie: I am Rick, the proud Canadian Mountie. [The camera zooms out to reveal that he's riding a sheep]
Sheep: Baaaah.
Moocow: I thought mounties were supposed to ride horses.
Mountie: [He hangs his head in shame] Yes. Yes, we are. But our funding has been cut and now we're forced to ride...
Sheep: Baaaah.
Darth: ...yeah. Look, if you don't mind, we're in a rush to see the new Prime Minister.
Mountie: [Perking up] You're going to see the new Prime Minister. Oh, I would so like to meet him myself. It's his strange new laws that took our horses away. Perhaps I will go with you.
Warlock: That's okay, we'd rather just go by ourselves.
Mountie: Follow me this way! [Starts singing as Darth puts his head in his hand] We're going to see the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister of Canada!
[The group, along with new recruit, continue down the road. The gang soon overtake the mountie, who encourages the sheep to speed up. When it doesn't, he sighs, gets off the sheep, picks it up and runs after the others. Zoom out to reveal that Scott is monitoring their progress over remote cameras]
Scott: Power-hungry Americans! I'll fix you! [Suddenly his walkie talkie comes to life. He picks it up]
Darth: I'M BRITISH, YOU SON OF A BITCH! [The walkie talkie goes dead]
Scott: ...how the hell did he do that?
[CUT TO further down the Road. Rick and the gang are passing through another town as Darth gets out his watch and checks it again]
Darth: Oh Jesus, eighteen hours. We're running out of time!
Mountie: All right boys, prepare yourselves. We're about to enter... French Canada.
Moocow: French Canada?
[Before them, lots of French Canadians cavort like it's Disneyland, with circus performers of all stripes doing what they do best. They start singing as Darth puts his hand over his ear. Realising this doesn't work, he presses his free ear in to his shoulder and winces a little]
French Canadians: There'z no Canada like French Canada, it'z za bezt Canada in ze land.
Ze ozer Canada is hardly Canada. If you lived here for a day, you'd understand.
Mime: Honh honh honnnh! Welcome to French Canada.
Hockey Player: We have everyzing your heart could desire. Trapezes. Trampolines. And lots and lots of cheese.
Artist: [He takes off his mustache and offers it to the group] Would you like a moustache?
Mountie: Just stay calm, boys. French Canadians are a little... odd. [Behind them, two of them walk by. One is dressed in blue and looks a bit like an alien. The other is dressed something like He-Man, with long flowing locks]
Warlord: Yeah... uh, don't mind us... we're just passing through to see the new Prime Minister.
Mime: Well first you must answer that phone. [He makes his left hand into a phone receiver with his little finger and thumb] Ring-ring. Ring-ring.
Darth: We don't have time for this!
Mime: You cannot pass through French Canada unless you take zat phone call! He holds out his 'phone'] Ring-ring. Ring-ring. [Daarkseid responds by making his right hand into a similar phone and answering]
Daarkseid: ...yes?
Mime: Allo! If you are going to see za new Prime Minister, then I want to go with you. He has passed a new law forbidding us French Canadians to drink wine.
Artist: How can ze French not drink wine?? Travestie!
Daarkseid: Ok, fine, you can come with us.
Mime: Honh honnnh! Very good! Let us make haste!
[The French Canadians escort the boys out and on their way with the Mime and the Mountie before bursting into song again. Darth repeats the process of covering his ears]
French Canadians: There'z no Canada like French Canada, it'z za bezt Canada in ze land.
And ze ozer Canada.
Mime: Is a bullzhit Canada
French Canadians: If you lived here for a day, you'd understand. [The group leaves the town behind]
Mime: I think you'd understand. ...You understand.
Darth Marsden
04-26-2007, 06:33 PM
...continued...
[Sometime later. The group have arrived at Newfoundland. It's a dark forest, somewhat reminiscent of my back garden.]
Mountie: Oh my! This certainly is a desolate place!
Mime: It reminds me of death and fear. [Darth smiles at this in a 'I'm home' sort of way]
Warlock: Look, how much further to Ottowa?
Mountie: We must be very close now.
Scott: [Jumping out in front of them] Ey! What are you doing?!
Mountie: Ack! It's Scott!
Scott: What are you two doing helping these Americans?! Don't you know America thinks it owns Canada along with the rest of the world?!
Darth: For the last freakin' time, I'M BRITISH!
Scott: No, you're a dick! And by helping these guys, you two are just as smelly as they are! Now I'm going to get you!
Fisherman: [Exiting a nearby house with a fish in his left hand and a pole in his right] Not a-hire, Scott!
Scott: Who the hell are you?!
Fisherman: I'm Steve the Newfoudlander. And you'er on Newfoundland property now! Get off before I have you arrested!
Scott: Never! [Darth ignites his saber again] Ugh! This isn't over! Not by a long shot! I'll fix you. I'll fix all of you!! [He leaves in a huff. Steve draws closer to the group as Darth puts his saber away]
Mountie: Woo, that was a close call. Thank you, kind Newfie!
Warlock: God-damnit, I've had about enough of this. We need to get to the new Prime Minister... NOW!
Steve: Oh yeah, the Prime Minister, eh? He sure has screwed up things for Newfoundland. Life just hasn't been the same since he made sodomy illegal.
Mime: Well, come with us! Maybe you can ask him to take his sodomy ban away.
Darth: Whatever, can we just get going?
Steve: Yeah, sure, except there's just one problem.
Daarkseid: What?
Steve: You folks are goin' the wrong way.
Daarkseid: What?? But I thought there was one road in Canada.
Steve: Yeah. And you all went the wrong direction on it.
Mountie: Ohh, that's right. Ottawa is that way. [He points behind the group]
Mime: Of course. Ottawa left, Newfoundland right!
Moocow: [Grimacing] Oh no!
Darth: [Glaring at the mountie] How could you be so stupid!
Warlock: There's no way we can go all the way back. We'll never make it now!
Mountie: It's Ok, guys. The power is inside us to get to Ottawa! We can wish ourselves there!
Mime: Ah yes, let's wish ourselves there. [The three Canadians close their eyes and wish real hard]
Mountie: [Peeking with his left eye] Is it working?
Darth: Oh, God-dammit! Well I warned you Warlock! I told you if I missed the start of my show we were gonna throw down! [He puts up his fist] Well it's on! We're gonna have it our RIGHT NOW! [He grabs Warlock by the collar]
Steve: [Now in his boat at the end of a dock] Of course, we could always take my boat, eh?
Mountie: Oh yes! On the river we could travel to Ottawa in no time!
Warlock: Well come on! [Everyone hops into the boat]
Steve: Ok, next stop, the new Prime Minister. [The boat leaves the dock and goes on its way]
Warlock: Do you think we can still make it in time?
Darth: We'd better, man. Or you're dead.
[The Parliament building, dawn. The whole party pull up to the small dock at one end of the grounds. They all climb out, Darth leading the pack]
Steve: Here we are at the Parliament buildin'.
Mime: Ze Prime Minister is inside.
Darth: [Rushing towards the building] Well come on, let's hurry! It's almost time!
[The rest of the group follow him up to the Parliament building entrance. Warlock knocks on the heavy wooden doors. A wooden panel opens up to reveal a window. A doorman looks out through it]
Doorman: Yeeeeeeeees?
Warlock: We need to see the new Prime Minister.
Doorman: Ha! Impossible! The new Prime Minister isn't seeing anybody! [He slams the window shut]
Mime: Oh well, zo much for zat. [He turns around and slowly walks away]
Steve: Yeah, we gave it our best, but our best wasn't good enough, eh? [He joins the Mime]
Warlock: No no no, I'm not having that. He's gonna see us, one way or another. [He knocks on the door again. Steve and the Mime turn around]
Doorman: [Opens his window again] Yeeeeeeeees?
Warlock: Look, we've come from way, way out and we are ging to see the Prime Minister one way or another. So let us in already!
Doorman: [With a big smug grin on his face] The Prime Minister isn't here. He's in China on official business. So you might as well go home. Bu-bye!
Warlock: [Defeated] Then that's it. We... We're never going to get the cafe back... [He walks away and sits on the stairs leading up to the building]
Darth: What? Oh no, you're not getting off that easy. Let us in before I rip you open and rearrange your organs in alphabetical order.
Doorman: Of course not, you English pig!
Darth: THANK YOU. Wait... I'm not a pig, you Canadian piece of crap!
Doorman: You don't frighten us, English pig-dog! Go and boil your bottoms, son of a silly person. I blow my nose on you, so-called Sith-Lord, you and your silly English K...kaniggets. [He puts his hands to his ears and blows a raspberry]
Daarkseid: ...what a strange person.
Darth: Dammit, you miserable excuse for a human being, let us in already!
Doorman: I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal, food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
Moocow: ...is there someone else there we can talk to?
Doorman: No. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
Darth: [Holding his head in his free hand] I hate Canadians. I really, really do.
Doorman: Smelly English K...niggets ... and Monsieur Sith Lord, who has the brain of a duck, you know. We outwit you again, perfidious English mousedropping hoarders ... how you say: "Begorrah!"
Darth: For the love of...
Doorman: How you English say: I one more time, mac, I unclog my nose towards you, sons of a window-dresser! You think you could out-clever us Canadian fellows with your silly knees-bent creeping about advancing behavior. [Blows a raspberry] I wave my private parts at your aunties, you brightly-colored, mealy-templed, cranberry-smelling, electric donkey-bottom biters.
Daarkseid: What the hell is he babbling about?
Darth: It's a British thing, you Yanks wouldn't get it. [To the doorman] Last bloody chance. Let us in or I really let loose.
Doorman: No chance, English bed-wetting types. We burst our pimples at you, and call your door-opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
Darth: That's it. I'm gonna kill them all. [He raises his left hand and the Doorman starts to chock. Darth closes the hand into a fist and a loud, audible snap is heard. The Doorman hangs from the window, dead]
Moocow: Oh my God, you killed a Canadian!
Daarkseid: You bastard!
[CUT TO inside the Parliament building, facing the outer door. We see the Doorman slump onto the floor and then Darth's lightsaber piercing through the door, cutting a large hole in it. Once it's gone round in a complete circle, it flies across the room into a large group of soldiers. Darth and Co. TM move into the building. The remaining guards start towards them, but stop when Darth turns towards them, his eyes burning red. The group walks down a long hallway and approach a large sanctum with three fire pits. Two small ones burn before and on each side of the huge one, which sits at the center and has a hologram of the Prime Minister hovering over it]
Prime Minister: I am the Prime Minister of Canada, and all that. Now whaddya want?
Warlock: [Steps forward] Sir, you recently passed a new law allowing Canadian land owners who have given up their old properites for whatever reason to change their minds and take it back. Our whole comunity was-
Scott: [He suddenly appears with the Gintses, holding the keys to the Cafe] Not so fast, you American scum!
Darth: Right, that's it. [He throws his saber at Scott and nicely slices him through the middle. He falls apart as Darth's saber returns to him. The others look at him] What? He knew I was British, I told him twice. Don't look at me like that.
Warlock: [Turning back to the Prime Minister] Please, sir. I came because I don't think we should have our cafe taken away from us like this. Owning a property isn't about who legally owns the building, it's about the people who run it, who visit it, who help maintain it. Sure, maybe it wasn't built by us in the first place, but we've taken what we aquired and made it so much more. A community center, a focus point for us all to relax and enjoy each others company. So many friendships have been founded there, it almost seems like a family's front room. Please... don't take that away from us. [The Gintses have tears in their eyes]
Prime Minister: That is a great speech, guy. But the answer is no! All of my new laws will stay in effect forever!
Mountie: Then, I suppose us mounties will never get our horses.
Mime: And we won't get our wine.
Steve: And we can't perform sodomy, eh?
Moocow: ...why are you making such strange laws? I mean, no wine? No horses?
Darth: Yeah, what's up with that?
Prime Minister: I SAID GO!
Darth: Actually, you never did say that.
Prime Minister: ...whatever. Just get out. Now!
Warlock: [Noticing a purple curtain nearby] ...I hope to God that's not what I think it is.
Prime Minister: What? No, leave that alone.
Warlock: [Clearly he doesn't. Pulling it back, he reveals LightningZ behnd it, cramped behind a console] What the hell?
LightningZ: Uh oh. Uh, don't mind that guy hiding in the spider hole, he's just my friend.
Daarksied: What the hell's HE doing here?
Moocow: He must have thought this was hell. Darth did kill him and all.
Mime: But zis explains everything! Za new Prime Minister was a zcript kiddie, trying to take over our beloved Canada like Saddam Hussein before him.
LightningZ: No! I was just... I... Oh, 5hit.
[The remaining guards all pounce on him. His screams are utterly pathetic, sounding more like a cross between a pregnant woman and a drowning cat. The group turn away]
Mountie: Wait a minute. This means all the Prime Minister's new laws are null and void. We can have our horses back!
Mime: And we can drink our wine.
Steve: And I can sodomize me boys again.
Harry Gint: [Picking up the keys from Scott's body and walking over to Warlock] You... must really care about that cafe to have come all this way.
Elise Gint: Perhaps we were wrong to try and take it back. It doesn't belong with us here. It belongs with it's family.
[Harry hands over the keys to Warlock, who smiles gratefully. Suddenly an alarm goes off. Darth pulls out his watch and looks at it]
Daarkseid: What is it?
Darth: It's started. We officially missed it. Doctor Who's starting right now and... I'm in Canada.
Warlock: Well yeah, but ah-we got the cafe back.
Darth: Yeah! We got our cafe back, but I missed Doctor Who! And what did I tell you, man?! told you that if we didn't make it back in time for the new series I was gonna whup your ass, didn't I?!
Warlock: Come on, man. There'll be repeats!
Darth: Well now you're gonna get it! That's right! You and me! Right now! We're havin' it out! Let's go! Come on! Come on!!
[Darth puts up his left fist, his right hand still in his pocket. Warlock reluctantly meets Darth's challenge and after dodging his swing, whacks him on the right arm. Darth suddenly freezes and clutches the arm in agony, falling to his knees as he does so]
Moocow: Oh, now why did you do that?
Warlock: What?
Moocow: You knew that was his bad shoulder!
Daarkseid: Yeah, he's done nothing but complain about it for the past month!
Warlock: ...oh yeah.
Moocow: 'Oh yeah'? That's all you've got to say?
Warlock: Well look, why did he take the sling off?
Daarkseid: It kept getting caught in doors!
Warlock: ...right, yeah, it did. Well look, I thought it had healed!
Moocow: There was a reason he kept it in his pocket! [Looks at the camera] Did you at home figure it out?
Mountie: [Wandering over] Is he all right?
Warlock: Yeah, he's just upset 'cause he missing the new Doctor Who.
Mountie: Oh, but he can watch it here! We pay for a third of that show, you know. Come on, we'll watch it on the big screen!
[They fiddle with the wires behind the giant floating head and the picture changes to show that Doctor Who is just starting. Warlock helps Darth up and together they sit down and watch it. A caption reads '45 minutes later' as the show finishes]
Daarkseid: Well, that was crap.
Warlock: Yeah, absolute rubbish.
Darth: [Throws his arm up in the air] Best episode EVER!
Darth Marsden
04-26-2007, 07:24 PM
Episode IV - A New Mod
[AGN Cafe, day, school hall. Everyone's sitting around, having a good time et al. Amaster42, biggiy05 and Pineconn are relaxing on a Friends-style couch while Darth Marsden is leaning on the couch from behind, sharing an encounter with them]
Darth: Ok, so I was just standing there, and the guy walks up to me and says 'How's your arm, bitch?', and I tell him 'Yeah, it's still a little sore', so he just whacks it, right? But nothing happens! And he's standing there like 'What? You told me...' and I say 'Yeah, but I'm a Sith Lord, remember? We tend to lie a lot' and they're STILL cleaning his guts off the roof. God, that was a fun afternoon.
[As he's talking, Dechipher comes up to him]
[I]Dechipher: [Taps Darth's shoulder] Hey Darth, I have to take you to the War Lord's office.
Darth: What? I didn't do it, it was the one-armed bandit!
Dechipher: Look, I've just been instructed to bring you to War Lord's office.
Darth: Oh, for the love of a good woman who doesn't have herpes and/or genital warts! I'm in the middle of something!
Dechipher: Come on man, I'm just doin' my job.
Darth: [Taunting him] I'm juh duh duh duhhh! I don't care if you're just doing your job, I'm busy! The man's just gonna have to wait!
War Lord: [Half stepping out of his office] Darth, get in here before I ban you for being an asshole!
Darth: [Everyone stops what they were doing and looks at him] Oh, thanks. Bitch.
War Lord: NOW.
Darth: Alright, I'm coming, I'm coming.
[War Lord's office, moments later. Darth and Dechipher enter the room, where War Lord and MottZilla are waiting. Darth flumps down into the empty chair and waves his hand in front of War Lord]
Darth: Darth didn't do anything. He doesn't need to be banned. He deserves an animated avatar. He deserves to be respected and feared. Etcetera.
MottZilla: Knock it off Darth.
Darth: [Puts the hand down] Eh, worth a try.
MottZilla: It didn't work the first time, what makes you think it'll work the 57th time?
Dechipher: [Hypnotized] I think Darth deserves an animated avatar.
Darth: [Looking at Dechipher] I wasn't even aiming at you!
Dechipher: Darth wasn't even aiming at me.
Darth: Oh, for the love of...
Dechipher: Darth's for the love of...
Darth, MottZilla and War Lord: SHUT UP!
War Lord: [Pauses to make sure Dechipher has shut up, then addresses Darth] Darth, the reason we called you in here is because I think it's time you tried out being the General Discussion forum moderator.
Darth: The GD mod? Me?
Dechipher: I would just like to say that I am firmly against this.
War Lord: Duly noted. Now get on with it.
MottZilla: ...fine. Ahem. You need to watch for bad behavior, and make sure anyone in the threads is either behaving or has a season pass.
War Lord: Right. If anyone doesn't, you have the authority to warn them and inform me.
Darth: [Incredulous] Auth- authoritah?
Dechipher: Darth has authoritah.
Darth: Not now.
MottZilla: Now Darth, being the GD moderator is a big responsibility. You need to take the job seriously, and for god's sake don't abuse the power.
Darth: [Wearing an innocent smile] Me?
[A montage. First scene is the GD halls. Darth pops up dressed as Dog the Bounty Hunter. He walks around and strikes a few poses. He pockets a can of Bear Spray into its holster, makes sure he has handcuffs, then checks his newly grown goatee. Next, he pretends he's driving a real car. Back in the, he walks into view and strikes one more dramatic pose, then the POV changes and he's walking towards the camera. One more scene has him turning the steering wheel of an SUV. Over all of this, there's a funky song playing with the following lyrics:]
Darth: There's fear and darkness all around you
The criminals are on the run
No use in not having your season pass
I'll take you to the owner 'cause I'm the Dawg
I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg
The GD Moderator!
[When the song finishes he's in the SUV. He grins until a hand appears and knocks on the driver's window]
Car Salesman: [Opening the door] Hey you, get outta there.
Darth: That's cool. I'm done making my video anyways.
[He picks up the video camera from the front of the SUV and leaves. The video shoot resumes at GD. Darth is on the job when he turns around and sees someone else in the hall. He strikes a dramatic pose and yells]
Darth: Season pass! Show me your season pass!
Masamune: What?
Darth: [He shoves Masamune into the wall and whips out the Bear Spray] You know what this is? This is the mace that they use on bears, faggot! Now let me see your season pass!
Masamune: Ok, Ok - It's right here. [He reaches into his pocket and pulls it out to show Darth]
Darth: [Releasing Masamune] All right, cool, brah. Go with Christ. [He turns right and walks away. Masamune isn't happy]
Masamune: What? You can't just push me up against the-
Darth: [Kicks Masamune, who flies away and breaks through the opposite wall] Ha! [Marching on, he starts singing his song again] I am the Dawg, the big bad- Oh my God! [He sees a wad of paper on the floor, before running over to pick it up and check it out] What the sithspit is this?!
[New Members. The moderator, Prrkitty, is shown teaching them about shapes. She's drawn a circle and is now drawing a square]
Prrkitty: And so this shape with four sides is what, class?
Darth: [Bursts into the classroom. Everyone turns to see who it is. Darth walks up to Pineconn_lolz] Pineconn_lolz! You littering my hallway, brah?!
Prrkitty: Darth? What the hell are you doing?!
Darth: I found this in the GD hallway. [He unfolds the wad of paper and shows it to the group - it's a drawing Pineconn_lolz has made of Prrkitty with hearts all around her. It looks like it was drawn by a two year old in crayon] Apparently your new charge Pineconn_lolz has a crush on you. [Pineconn_lolz looks around nervously] You got a crush on your mod, brah?! Keep it out of my hallway! Go with Christ. Here you go. [He hands the drawing to Prrkitty and heads for the door]
Prrkitty: Darth, was that really necessary?
Darth: Hey! I don't tell you how to run your section, don't tell me how to run mine! [Leaves, closing the door behind him]
Fabiano the Spy: lolz has a crush on Kitty!
New Members: lolz has a crush on Kitty! [The group laughs]
PrrKitty: Alright, that's enough, guys! [The group keep on chatting] Ok, you know what? Everyone dismissed. We'll meet back here tomorrow. [Everybody starts to leave, including Pineconn_lolz] Actually, Pineconn_lolz, could you stay just a few minutes, please? [He does so. After a minute, only him and PrrKitty are left. She moves towards him] Listen, Pineconn_lolz, I'm very flattered by all of your love notes, but I need to be clear. See, there've been a lot of female moderators on the news lately who have been having relationships with young male newbies and, people might get the wrong idea, even though... I do admire you. You are so smart and gifted. So mature for your age.
Pineconn_lolz: [In a baby-like voice] I don't like Mason.
PrrKitty: You listen, and you really care about what I have to say. You make me feel things I've never... [She reaches out to Pineconn_lolz and touches his right hand] felt before. [She and Pineconn_lolz hold hands, but she lets go and leaves her seat] Dammit, this is crazy. I'm your moderator. How can we be having these feelings for each other? [She turns around and faces him] You're so mysterious, and I can't... and I can't...
[She begins to swoon. A montage follows to REO Speedwagon's Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore. She and Pineconn_lolz rub noses as a heart frames them. Their shadows rush up and hug each other, then twirl around together as hearts pulsate outward. They hold hands again. She takes him out to dinner and chatters away. She takes him out to ice-skate at a skating rink. She takes him out to a dinner picnic before a setting sun - they share wine and cheese. She takes him out for a ride on a duck boat - she does the driving. She has an artist draw a picture of them. They hop onto a merry-go-round and get on horses - she blows a kiss at him there. She takes him home and watches TV with him. Finally, the scene ends with the two of them under the covers - looks like they've been having some fun]
PrrKitty: That was unbelievable. I've never felt like such a woman before. They'll say our love is wrong, but we can't let anybody know; they'll never understand. [She rolls to her right and starts massaging Pineconn_lolz tenderly] We were meant to be, I know it. How else could sex be that incredible? [She lays back down]
Pineconn_lolz: I made a nuno.
[The boy's room in General Discussion. bigjoe rushes in and towards the urinal. Once in place, he sets his season pass down next to the sink and does his business]
bigjoe: Hey there, Mr. Wiener, whattaya know? Do ya need to tinkle tinkle? [Falsetto] Yes I do think so.
Darth: [Bursts into the restroom, startling bigjoe] Hands?! Let me see those hands!
bigjoe: [Backs off] Haaaah!
Darth: [Advances] Where's your pass?! Show me your season pass, brah!
bigjoe: [Looks around frantically for it] It's, it's... I just had it! [Keeps looking, but Darth grabs him]
Darth: I knew it! [He slams bigjoe's head against a toilet stall, then tosses him to the floor, cuffs him, and escorts him out of the restroom. Focus briefly on the hall pass, by the sink where bigjoe left it, before cutting to the waiting room outside War Lord's office. Darth and bigjoe wait on the bench outside. bigjoe's fly is still undone, revealing his polka-dot underwear]
Darth: Look, brah, I had to bring you in, but I don't have any hard feelin's against you all right?
bigjoe: Wha?
Darth: Here, you need a smoke, brah?
bigjoe: Uhh, Ok. [Darth puts a cigarette into bigjoe' mouth, then lights it for him]
Darth: You've gotta give yourself over to Christ, brah.
bigjoe: I do? [Coughs. He's clearly not a smoker]
Darth: Jesus is Lord. You can go one direction in life, or you just walk around the hallways without a season pass. Or you can see the light, brah. [bigjoe coughs some more]
[Cut to Pineconn's house. He walks in through the front door and throws his keys on a nearby table when the phone starts ringing. He picks it up.]
Pineconn: Hello?
Voice on Phone: Hey Pineconn, it's Pineconn_lolz's mother.
Pineconn: Oh, hey. What's up?
Pineconn_lolz's Mum: Well, Pineconn_lolz has a doctor's appointment this evening. Do you know where he is?
Pineconn: Yeah, he's over at PrrKitty's house. God only knows why, but...
Pineconn_lolz's Mum: Could you do me a favor and go tell him about his appointment? It's right near your house over there, isn't it?
Pineconn: Yeah, sure.
Pineconn_lolz's Mum: Thanks. I'll talk to you soon.
[Pineconn puts the phone down and heads out the door again. CUT TO PrrKitty's house, a lovely one-story structure. Starland Vocal Band's "Afternoon Delight" is playing inside. Pineconn walks up to the front door and knocks]
Pineconn: Hello? [Hearing no response, he opens the door and walks in] Excuse me. I'm here to find Pineconn_lolz? [He moves further into the house] Uh, hello? Is Pineconn_lolz here? [He hears some giggling and heads for the room it's coming from - turns out it's the bathroom] Hello? [PrrKitty, in the bathtub, looks at him]
PrrKitty: Aah! [Covers her fine-ass breasts]
Pineconn: Woah! [Turns round in embarrassment] I'm-I'm sorry! I didn't mean to-I'm just looking for Pineconn_lolz! [At that, Pineconn_lolz pops up out of the water dressed in snorkel gear. Pineconn turns round at the noise] Pineconn_lolz?? [He looks at PrrKitty, who stares blankly back at him] What the hell is going on?
PrrKitty: Oh, what's the use, Lolz? We're caught. [Moments later, an angry Pineconn is pulling his Pineconn_lolz towards the front door when she emerges from the bathroom in a dressing gown] Hold on, please, you don't understand!
Pineconn: [Turns to look at her] Really?! What's there not to understand?!
PrrKitty: Your namesake and I... are in love.
Pineconn: ...he's a bit of a noob, don't you think?!
Pineconn_lolz: Nana! [Angrily, he leaves Pineconn and stands beside PrKitty]
PrrKitty: Pineconn_lolz is very mature for his age, and you know it!
Pineconn_lolz: Ring around the rosey.
PrrKitty: He makes me feel like nobody else does. He loves me and only me, and I know I'm a goddess to him. When we make love, he can give it to me HARD, or soft and gentle-
Pineconn: Oh sweet Moses on a pogo stick, I didn't need to hear that!
PrrKitty: ...yeah, that was probably a bit too much there. Sorry.
Pineconn: [After an uncomfortable silence] Well, uh, Pineconn_lolz has a doctor's appointment, so... [He tries to pull Pineconn_lolz away from PrrKitty]
Pineconn_lolz: [Resisting] Nonono, nononono.
Pineconn: Lolz, you can't possibly want this. It's... it's so wrong!
Pineconn_lolz: [Sobbing] No, no.
Pineconn: Lolz?
PrrKitty: Is it so hard to believe that true love exists?
Pineconn: [Turns to the front door] This is nuts.
[The AGN cafe, night. A bunch of people are eating what presumably dinner. At one table War Lord, MottZilla, Pineconn and Pineconn_lolz are all eating one thing or another]
Pineconn: Guys, how well do you know PrrKitty? [Pineconn_lolz glares at him once he says this]
War Lord: Pretty well, I think. How long has it been?
MottZilla: [Finishes his mouthful of food] Uh, god, I dunno. Years.
Pineconn: Yeah, well my namesake here likes her a whole lot.
War Lord: I don't blame him, she's a very likable person. Why we made her the New Members mod.
Pineconn: Well yeah, except maybe it's not perfectly great, because to some degree, my namesake and her are having an-
Pineconn_lolz: [Interrupting] Spider-Man! I'm safe, Spidey save me!
MottZilla: ...why are we eating with him again? He keeps throwing food at me.
Pineconn: It's important. Listen, I thing there might be something you should look into about this guy visiting PrrKitty all the time-
Pineconn_lolz: [Interrupting again] Weohhh part ten. Mom-my I love you I love you.
War Lord: Ok, that's just creepy.
Pineconn: I'll deal with him. C'mon, you. I want a word.
[Pineconn leaves his chair and takes Pineconn_lolz to the other side of the Cafe. Pineconn starts arguing with his namesake] You just can't expect me to sit there and say nothing. No, Lolz, I'm supposed to be looking out for you. So what? I wasn't going to just blurt it out, I was gonna use some tact, but you won't even let me... What? Uh uh! Stop right there, man! [Pineconn_lolz is replying with a series of snippets from nursery rhymes, which has nothing to do with Pineconn's concern. The two are finished, and the two of them return to the table]
Pineconn: Guys, I think maybe you should talk to Pineconn_lolz about love and sex.
MottZilla: We already have an area for that. It's called Ask Someone Who Gets Laid.
War Lord: God only knows what he'd want in there, though.
[The next morning. Breaker is lounging around the Breaker-Zord like always, along with Glitch and ShadowTiger. They're all dressed in cop uniforms, except for Breaker, who's wearing THIS (http://glenn.hotarubi.net/breaker.jpg). They're drinking coffee and reading newspapers while chatting amongst themselves]
Breaker: You're so full of crap, Glitch.
Glitch: What? I did shoot him in the face. Twice.
Pineconn: [Walks up to the Zord] Ex, excuse me? [The group look at him as he walks into the Zord] My name is... Brad. And uh, I need to report a crime. Anonymously.
Breaker: Oh yeah? What's the crime?
Pineconn: Uh, w-one of the moderators is having s-s-sex with a new member.
Breaker: Holy crap! [The group are suddenly serious and alert. Breaker puts his hand on Pineconn's arm] Ya-you did the right thing telling the fuzz, Brad. Now, who is the mod? What's his name?
Pineconn: Well, it isn't a guy mod. It's a woman.
Glitch: A woman.
Pineconn: Yeah. She's having sex with a boy.
ShadowTiger: [Taking notes] Oh, but, but she's ugly, right?
Pineconn: Well no, not really. It's the New Members mod, PrrKitty.
Glitch: Wait - some young guy is having sex with PrrKitty?
Pineconn: Yes.
Glitch: Nice.
Breaker: Nice.
Pineconn: What?! No, you don't understand-
Breaker: You sure they've had sex?
Pineconn: Yeah.
ShadowTiger: Has she performed oral sex on him?
Pineconn: I think so.
ShadowTiger: ...Nice.
Breaker: Nisssse.
Glitch: Nisssse.
Breaker: So wait, what, what's the crime?
Glitch: The crime is she isn't doing it with me. [The others laugh]
Pineconn: Hey! He's a total noob! She's taking advantage of him.
Breaker: You're right. We're sorry. This is serious. We need to track this kid down and... give him his "Luckiest Boy In AGN" medal right away. [The others laugh again]
Pineconn: [Throws his hands up in frustration and leaves] Gargh!
[AGN, day, random hallway. People are wandering around aimlessly, as you do. Pineconn approaches Amaster42 and biggiy05, who are leaning against a wall talking]
Pineconn: Guys, can I talk to you?
Amaster42: Sure.
Pineconn: Look, I need you to keep quiet about this, all right? [Darth walks up] That guys who's username is like mine and PrrKitty-
Darth: Brahs, I'm gonna need you to start clearin' the hallways, aright?
Pineconn: Not now, Darth! I have really serious problems!
biggiy05: Dude, what's the matter?
Pineconn: PrrKitty is having sex with Pineconn_lolz.
biggiy05: ...woah.
Amaster42: Seriously?
Darth: Damn, brah, that little mini-you is pretty freakin' lucky.
Pineconn: It's not cool! The bastard isn't old enough to understand.
Darth: What's to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around some, stick it inside her and squirt.
Pineconn: [Looks long and hard at Darth] 'Stick it inside her and squirt'?
Darth: Yeah, I believe that's a pretty accurate description of sex. Well, unless you don't want to get her pregnant, then you pull it out and squirt over her face, but that's nowhere near as hot.
biggiy05: Look, I really don't see a problem.
Darth: Yeah, I've got bigger things to deal with.
Pineconn: You guys don't understand! His wacko mod is like a schoolgirl! They pass notes to each other all the time, they have sex at her house whenever they get a free moment, [Darth waves Pineconn off and walks away] and they sneak out and kiss in the hallways! [This stops Darth and makes his eyes big]
Darth: They WHAT?!?
Pineconn: They sneak out and make out in the hallways!
Darth: [Spins around to face Pineconn] Now hang on a second: making out in the hallways is strictly against forum policy!
Pineconn: Well they're doing it!
Darth: Yeah? Well now it's personal. This forum is my jurisdiction! If there's a infraction going on, they're gonna have to deal with the Dawg!
[Another group of New Members are being taught the basics of etiquette by PrrKitty, with the usual results - complete failure. She plows on, bless her, as she wipes the text off the blackboard]
PrrKitty: Ok guys, just continue with your macaroni pictures. I need to step out for a second. Uh Pineconn_lolz, could you give me a hand, please? [Pineconn_lolz leaves his seat and joins PrrKitty outside. She puts him on the shelf of the nearby telephone booth] Oh Lolz, I just had to have a second alone with you.
Pineconn_lolz: I like dada better.
PrrKitty: I got your love letter, and I wrote you one back. Oh, just one kiss to hold me over for the rest of class. [She begins to kiss Pineconn_lolz when Darth appears in the distance and turns towards them]
Darth: Hall infraction! [He runs over to PrrKitty]
PrrKitty: [Turning to Darth] Oh, uh, we were just heading back in.
Darth: You got a season pass, brah?!
PrrKitty: I don't need a season pass. I'm a moderator.
Darth: Yeah? Well, where's his season pass?!
PrrKitty: Look, just let us get back in-
Darth: Get down on the floor!
PrrKitty: We're going back inside!
Darth: [Whips out the Bear Mace] You like bear mace, icehead?!
PrrKitty: What?!
Darth: You're goin' with Christ! [He sprays PrrKitty but good]
PrrKitty: AUGH!
[Next stop, War Lord's office. Darth, PrrKitty and Pineconn_lolz stand before War Lord, who is reading through the two love letters]
Darth: ...And that's what I got, brah. These two were in the hallway making out. She had those love letters on her person.
War Lord: 'Pineconn_lolz, I long to feel your arms around me'? PrrKitty, you- you're having a relationship with this noob?
Darth: Yes. In the middle of the forum, without a season pass.
War Lord: This is unbelievable.
Darth: I know. It's like the rules doesn't even matter to them.
War Lord: PrrKitty, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to inform Breaker of this.
PrrKitty: [Puts her hands to her cheeks] Oh God...
Darth: You just dealt with the Dawg, bitch.
[The streets, later. Police and news reporters are present as Glitch and ShadowTiger escort a handcuffed PrrKitty into a waiting Breaker-Zord, under the watchful eye of the man himself]
Breaker: [To PrrKitty] Sorry we had to do this, but the boss man insisted. [The 'fuzz' escort PrrKitty into the waiting 'zord]
fatcanfan [Walking up] What's goin' on?
AtmaWeapon: The New Members mod is suspected of having sex with a noob.
fatcanfan: But... she's a woman.
AtmaWeapon: Yeah. I know.
fatcanfan: But... she's hot.
Pineconn: Wow. I think I owe you one, Darth.
Darth: You don't owe me anything. My threads are cleeean. [Points his index fingers at the camera]
[That evening, Pineconn's house. He's sitting reading a book when the doorbell rings. He answers it and sees Pineconn_lolz standing in the rain ('cause it's always more dramatic if it's always raining) at the door.]
Pineconn: Oh. Look, I didn't tell on you, you got busted by Darth. [Pineconn_lolz glares at him] Ok, Ok. I did have something to do with it. But someday you're gonna realize it was for the best.
Pineconn_lolz: You are dead to me.
Pineconn: ...what?
Pineconn_lolz: I said, you're dead to me!
Pineconn: I'm dead to you?
Pineconn_lolz: You're dead to me! [Walks away into the rain]
Pineconn: ...cool. [Closes the door and goes back to his book]
Darth Marsden
04-26-2007, 07:46 PM
...continued...
[It's the next morning, aboard the Breaker-Zord. PrrKitty is on the phone to someone as the others argue about which building to accidentally smash next.]
PrrKitty: I'm on the Breaker-Zord. They say they found some evidence. I'm so scared. [Brief cut to reveal Pineconn_lolz is at the other end of the line] Listen, I want you to know it's Ok. If anybody tries to talk to you, you don't need to say anything. Just leave it to me. I know a way out of this.
[Cut to a News 4 Newsbreak intro]
Anthony (Now there's continuity for ya): Welcome back. If you're just joining us, we're covering the breaking story that's rocked the internet, as a forum moderator is facing being stripped of her mod status and even a possible ban for allegedly having an affair... with one of the noobs under her care. The case is shocking, due mostly to the fact that the mod... is pretty hot. If the accusations are true, then... nice. Uh, looks like the defendant and her lawyer are about to give a statement, so we'll go straight to the scene.
[Cut to the front of the AGN courthouse. PrrKitty and her lawyer are standing outside the building, along with a podium with billions of microphones attached that looks like a cheap Doctor Who monster. She clears her throat and prepares to speak]
PrrKitty: I am deeply sorry to announce that the allegations against me are true. Over the past several weeks, I have been having physical relations with a noob.
Reporter: [Cut to see the reporters and onlookers reactions] Nice.
redmage777: Nissse.
PrrKitty: I know my actions were wrong, but I cannot be fully to blame. You see, I am an alcoholic.
ShadowTiger: ...ohhh.
[Cut to the AGN Cafe. A group of people, including Pineconn and Darth, are watching the report on TV. As PrrKitty speaks, Darth puts his head in his hands]
PrrKitty: [Over the TV] Yes, I'm afraid it's true.
Darth: Oh, I don't believe it.
Pineconn: What?
Darth: She's using the Mel Gibson defense, the clever bitch!
[Cut back to the courthouse]
PrrKitty: I am a perfectly good person, but when I drink, the alcohol makes me say and do things I wouldn't normally do.
Breaker: Well, that explains it.
Glitch: So, do we still press charges?
Breaker: Who are we gonna convict? Johnny Walker?
Reporter: Poor woman. She's a victim.
redmage777: Yeah, a hot victim.
Lawyer: [Stepping up to the mic] My client has agreed to check herself into rehab immediately.
[Everyone cheers. Cut to the Online Drug & Alcohol Rehabilitation Center. Patients line up and go in through a revolving door only to come back out and continue down the line. Inside, PrrKitty is talking to a counselor]
Counselor: Alcohol is a crutch which we use to medicate ourselves; to, to cover up emotional baggage from our past. Was there ever a history of sexual abuse in your family?
PrrKitty: [Looking away and clearly just going through the motions] No, but my uncle used to ask me and my twin sister to kiss and he'd take pictures.
Counselor: Nissse. [Sometime later, they're outside the center. He's seeing her off] Congratulations, PrrKitty. You're clean. Now stay that way, y'hear?
PrrKitty: Will do!
[She walks away, gets into her truck and drives away. She drives up to the Pineconn_lolz's house, stops, gets out a ladder and extends it, props it up against his window, and climbs up. Inside Pineconn_lolz's room, he's building something with his Lego. PrrKitty appears at the window and opens it up]
PrrKitty: Lolz! [She climbs in and walks to him. He turns and stands, his arms outstretched]
Pineconn_lolz: Kitty! [They hug]
PrrKitty: Listen, we have to get out of here. They'll never let us be together. I think... I think we should go to Milan, like we always talked about.
Pineconn_lolz: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay, Mulan!
PrrKitty: Pack your stuff, we don't have much time!
[Cut to outside. Pineconn is walking down the street, humming a merry tune to himself. He turns a corner and is almost run over by PrrKitty's truck as it speeds round. He recovers, then sees the ladder lying on Pineconn_lolz's house. He suddenly realizes what's happened and runs after the truck, which vanishes into the ether]
[Cut to the Breaker-Zord. The guys are lounging around again when Pineconn and Pineconn_lolz's mother run in]
Breaker: Are you sure you're not lying, Glitch?
Glitch: No, really! I shot both of them! They weren't even doin' nothin'!
Pineconn_lolz's Mum: Help! Please, I need your help! That moderator, PrrKitty, she, she left town with my son! I got a note saying they're going to Milan!
Breaker: You're kidding!
Pineconn_lolz's Mum: No, it's true! [She waves the note]
Breaker: Dammit! Where were all these sexed-up moderators when I was a noob?
Pineconn_lolz's Mum: This is serious!
ShadowTiger: Yeah, the boy's going to Milan with a beautiful older woman. Quick! Call the FBI! [The others laugh]
Pineconn_lolz's Mum: Are you going to do nothing?!
Breaker: [Irritated] All right all right, we'll make a report. Jesus...
[Sometime later, outside the AGN Cafe. Pineconn sits on one of the outside tables, depressed. Darth walks up to him]
Darth: There you are. What are you doing?
Pineconn: I'm thinking... why should I care? He was an irritating little git and nobody else liked him, but I still feel kinda responsible for him. Why?
Darth: 'cause if it weren't for you brah, he wouldn't be here.
Pineconn: ...oh yeah. My bad, sorry.
Darth: Eh, it's cool brah. We all screw up sometimes.
Pineconn: Thanks. You're a good friend, man.
Darth: What, even in this get-up?
Pineconn: Heh. Yeah. Actually, the goatee suits you.
Darth: Really? I was thinking of keeping it.
Pineconn: Yeah, you should. It's you, y'know?
Darth: Heh. Yeah. [A few moments of silence pass] So you just gonna give up, brah?
Pineconn: The guy's in Milan. There's nothing I can do.
Darth: No, they haven't left yet. Their flight is tomorrow morning.
Pineconn: ...how the hell do you know that?
Darth: I had VEL check out their Travelocity account.
Pineconn: VEL?
Darth: Yeah, VEL is my bitch now. I put a whole crew together, brah. I'm gonna get that forum-defiling slut no matter what it takes! Are you in?!
[Another music video. In this one, Darth introduces his crew. We get 'VEL - Darth's Bitch', 'Lilith - Darth's Driver', 'Yoshiman - Darth's Muscle' and 'Pineconn - n00b'. All of them wear T-shirts with a little South-Park style Darth on them]
Darth: I got some badass guys to help me.
I only had to pay them twenty bucks.
You think you got away with not having a season pass?
You won't get away from me 'cause I'm the Dawg!
I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg!
Think you can get away with not having a season pass? Think again! [The video ends and the hallway looks normal again] How was that, DarkDragon?
DarkDragon: Yeah, that was pretty good.
Pineconn: Can we please get going now?
Darth: Yep. That was the music video - now let's roll!
[Cut to an airport Hilton, night. Planes can be seen behind it taking off. Zoom into one of the windows to reveal PrrKitty's room. Pineconn_lolz is in bed watching Pokemon or some other lame crap as and PrrKitty comes out of the bathroom in a dressing gown]
PrrKitty: Lolz, is that all you're gonna do - watch TV?
Pineconn_lolz: I love TV. Yaaay!
PrrKitty: [Climbing into bed] But what about me? I want to talk. [Pineconn_lolz looks at her for a minute before turning back to watching the TV again]
[Cut to the inside of a car, night. Darth and his crew are driving to the airport, and by extension, the Hilton]
Darth: [Holding up a picture of PrrKitty] Everyone get a good look at our fugitive! I want her taken down fast and clean!
Yoshiman: She ran away, so now she got to deal with the Dawg, huh?
Darth: ...yeah. Yeah she does. [Focusing] VEL found out they have a room at the Airport Hilton. We need to search it. Here's the hotel! [Speaks into a walkie-talkie] VEL, tell Lilith to pull up here! [She does so. The car pulls up to the hotel entrance and brakes quickly] All right, let's go! Move out! [They all leave the SUV and rush into the hotel]
Bellboy: Hey! You can't leave your car there!
Darth: It's Ok - I'm a forum mod! [The group pass through the front entrance] Keep separation! Lilith, check out our twenty!
Receptionist: Can I help you?
Darth: You seen this woman, brah? [He shows her the picture of PrrKitty] She's staying here!
Receptionist: Who are you?
Darth: [Sings] I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg...
Head Concierge: I think you should leave, before I call the police!
Darth: VEL! Bear-mace that guy! [She sprays bear mace all over the concierge and he crumbles to the floor, trying to vomit] Let's check out the rooms! Lilith, Pineconn: you go that way! VEL, you're with me!
Bellboy: [Dials 911 on his mobile] We need the police here, right away!
[Darth begins his rounds. He goes to Room 236 and knocks on the door with the bear mace can]
Guest 1: [Opening the door] Yes?
Darth: I'm looking for this mod. [Out with the picture again] Is she in your room, brah?!
Guest 2: [An elderly man in Room 233 opens his door] Do you mind keepin' it down?
Darth: [Walks over to the second guest and threatens him with his bear mace] Keep your mouth shut, brah!!
[PrrKitty's room. Both of them react to something. In the distance, police sirens sound and get closer to the hotel. PrrKitty looks out the window and sees three police cruisers pull up to the hotel, right outside her window]
PrrKitty: Oh no! Pineconn_lolz! [He climbs up to see the commotion] They're on to us!
Pineconn_lolz: Oh no!
PrrKitty: Hurry darling! We have to get out of here!
[Meanwhile, the police rush into the hotel lobby. The bear maced concierge is vomiting over the floor]
Officers: What have we got? What have we got?!
Officer: Who called 911?!
Receptionist: They went that way. [She points in the direction Pineconn and Lilith took. The concierge throws up again. The officers leave] Look out! They have bear mace!
[The hotel, upstairs. Pineconn and Lilith make the rounds on the third floor]
Lilith: [Knocking on a door] Open up, I'm with a psychopathic Sith Lord! [Her walkie talkie sounds up - she answers it]
Darth: [Over walkie talkie] I heard that.
Lilith: ...how the hell'd he do that?
Pineconn: Oh crap! [He's seem some officers round the corner at the far end of the hall]
Officer: [Draws his gun] You freeze right there! [Of course they don't. Pineconn and Lilith run in the other direction]
[The fifth floor. PrrKitty covers up and peeks into the hallway. She looks both ways, then steps out of the room]
PrrKitty: Come on, darling! [Pineconn_lolz steps out and they beginning walking. Yoshiman rounds the corner behind them and catches them]
Yoshiman: Ha! [The pair stop and the camera zooms in on Yoshiman as he fumbles with his walkie talkie. Eventually he gets it working] Uh I got 'em, Dawg. Fifth floor!
Darth: Praise Christ! Let's go! [The elderly man is convulsing from the effects of the bear mace]
PrrKitty: Lolz, run! [Back on the second floor, Darth and VEL run down a hallway]
Darth: Bear mace that guy! And that guy! [VEL maces another bellboy and a guest as she and Darth run by. Police officers round the corner and run after them]
[Cut to the roof. PrrKitty and Pineconn_lolz have made it all the way to the top. Dart, VEL and Yoshiman show up behind them and run out onto the roof. Police officers show up behind them and run out onto the roof ]
Darth: Freeze, bitch!
Officers: Freeze! Hands up! Don't move! Etc!
Darth: It's all right! There's been a misunderstanding! I'm a moderator. [The officers are somewhat stunned] This fugitive is trying to avoid a forum infraction by skipping off to Milan.
Officer: Hey, that is the mod we just got the report about. [She and Pineconn_lolz back up slowly, towards the roof's edge. Pineconn and Lilith show up]
Officer: [Through his megaphone] All right PrrKitty, you've got nowhere to run!
PrrKitty: Why couldn't you just leave us alone? All we wanted was to love.
Darth: Get down! We can do this the easy way, or we can do it Dawg-style!
Yoshiman: She gawt a scarf awn her heyd, huh?
Darth: God dammit Yoshi, shut up.
PrrKitty: It's all over, Lolz. Milan, the house in Tuscany. They'll never let us be together! We have to go with the backup plan. [She and Pineconn_lolz walk to the roof's edge and look down at the ground]
Officer: [Through his megaphone] Now hold on, don't do anything foolish! We can talk about this!
PrrKitty: [Returning from the edge with Pineconn_lolz] You can't accept our love? So then we can only be together in eternity!
Pineconn: [Steps through the crowd towards Pineconn_lolz] No! Don't do it, man!
Pineconn_lolz: I don deser futty bad man.
Pineconn: Look, please. I know your first love seems like the only love, but trust me, it's not. You have so much life ahead of you. [Pineconn_lolz looks at Pineconn intently]
PrrKitty: You who don't believe in true love don't understand.
Pineconn: You need to have a life. Have fun. Then ruin it by having a serious relationship.
PrrKitty: I'm afraid you're too late. [To Pineconn_lolz] Are you ready, my love? [She and Pineconn_lolz turn around and run for the edge] Here we go! One, two, three, aaaahhh! [She steps onto the edge, but stops. Pineconn_lolz goes all the way and jumps off. He lands face first onto the pavement and splatters, his remains looking somewhat like a badly made pizza. PrrKitty watches this, then steps off the ledge back onto the roof]
PrrKitty: God, what an idiot.
Pineconn: Wait, what?
PrrKitty: God, that made me feel like a little schoolgirl all over again.
Pineconn: WHAT?
Darth: So you were just using him the whole time?
PrrKitty: ...yeah.
Darth: Fair enough. I guess all that's left is the forum infraction.
PrrKitty: ...Ok, how bad's it gonna be?
Darth: ...will you sneak into the hallways and make out with that guy again?
PrrKitty: Given that he's dead, I very much doubt it.
Darth: Then I guess you've learnt your lesson. Just don't do it again, mkay?
PrrKitty: ...yeah, Ok.
Pineconn: [Flustered] But... but I was supposed to save him! It was gonna be the whole crux of the episode!
PrrKitty: Oh, shut up. He was an asshole. He deserved to die.
Pineconn: Well yeah, but I thought I was gonna do it.
PrrKitty: Then you thought wrong, didn't you?
Darth: [Moves towards the camera] Well, looks like once again, the Dawg has prevailed. I hope you've learned, kids, that if you don't go with Christ, you could end up just like that Mozart masterpiece down on the pavement.
Officer: Hey, you guys need to get off the roof now.
Darth: That's cool. I'm done making my video anyway. [He walks towards the camera and turn it off]
Pineconn
04-26-2007, 07:50 PM
Well, that's the last one. If anyone has not read these, get out of the hole you're living in and read them! Oh, and I forgot to mention:
Darth: [Moves towards the camera] Well, looks like once again, the Dawg has prevailed. I hope you've learned, kids, that if you don't go with Christ, you could end up just like that Mozart masterpiece down on the pavement.
You do realize that Mozart composed music, right? :p
Darth Marsden
04-26-2007, 07:53 PM
That's the joke. Wait to go and ruin it. :p
Thanks for waiting until I'd posted them all. It looks all neat and pretty now. You know I've gone and changed them slightly, right? There's a whole new excuse to read them all over again. Also: check back tomorrow morning (American time).
biggiy05
04-26-2007, 07:54 PM
Well, that's the last one. If anyone has not read these, get out of the hole you're living in and read them! Oh, and I forgot to mention:
You do realize that Mozart composed music, right? :p
Have you seen the South Park episode? It's just one of Cartman's random quotes .
Pineconn
04-26-2007, 08:03 PM
Oh. My bad.
I did notice you changed a few things. Like what Prrkitty does when I barge in on her and Lolz in the bathroom. You changed the description. ;)
I need to read this again. I planned on copying all the stories and save them to a file, but this saves me a bit of time!
Also: check back tomorrow morning (American time).
I'll be in school. http://www.zeldapower.com/forum/images/smilies/looove.gif
Darth Marsden
04-27-2007, 04:53 AM
Episode V - Closet Case
[A mini-mall, day. We fly through the mall, revealing all kinds of crappy stores, until we land right in front of a Komik Factory. Amaster42, biggiy05, Darth (still wearing that goatee) and Pineconn walk out the front doors]
biggiy05: So what'd you guys get? I got that one where Captain America gets shot. I'm telling you, that's so gonna appreciate.
Amaster42: Eh, I just got a bunch of Batman stuff.
biggiy05: How come you didn't get anything, Darth? I thought you liked comics.
Darth: Yeah, but I'm saving up for a new flat-screen TV, remember?
Amaster42: HA! Saving money, duhhh! [He turns left and walks on. The others follow]
Pineconn: So what should we do now? It's Saturday and we have to have as much fun as possible.
biggiy05: Hey, I know! Let's go play laser tag at FunPlex.
Amaster42: Yeah!
Darth: No, I don't wanna spend any money, you guys. [The group stops] Let's just do something fun that's free.
Amaster42: Darth, you know the first law of physics. Anything that's fun costs at least eight dollars.
biggiy05: Yeah, nothing fun is free.
Darth: Well I don't wanna spend any money.
Amaster42: Ok, whatever. We're gonna go play laser tag. [He, biggiy05 and Pineconn walk off]
Pineconn: Yeah. See ya. [Darth moves on down the sidewalk and passes a Scientology center. In front are a table with two people seated behind it, waiting for prospects]
Woman: Hello, would you like to take a personality test? It's fun and it's free.
Darth: [Stops, thinks, and looks] Excuse me?
Woman: We're doing free personality tests today.
Darth: Uh... what do I have to do?
Woman: Have you heard of Scientology? It's all based on the book, Dianetics. A lot of really cool people are Scientologists, like Tom Cruise and John Travolta. Why don't you come on in and we'll get your fun free personality test started. [She leads him in and walks by one closed door after another] Let's just find an empty room here, lots of people getting free tests today. [She finds an open door and looks in] Hey Brian.
Brian: [Seated at his desk, but rises and walks to the door as the pair arrive] Hey Kelly. How's it going?
Kelly: Great! I want you to meet my new friend, Chris.
Brian: Hey there! How are you?
Darth: Uh, it's Darth. But yeah, I'm... wait, I never told you my name!
Kelly: That's the magic of Scientology!
Darth: ...right.
Kelly: Brian's gonna give you your personality test and then let you know some things about Scientology.
Brian: Good times, good times!
Darth: Look, is this a religion? Because I'm Christian or something. I mean, I'm not a perfect, but still...
Brian: Ho, that's not a problem at all. Scientology is more like an alternative to psychology than a religion.
Darth: Then how come that sign says "Church of Scientology"?
Brian: Oho, that's just this thing: What's the Denver Broncos' record now? Six and two?
Darth: I've no idea, I don;t follow sport.
Brian: Wow! That's great! All right, come on in and take a seat; we're gonna have some fun! [He and Stan enter the room and he changes the sign on his door so it says "Test In Progress." Inside, Brian and Darth take their seats] All right now, I'm just gonna ask you a few questions. Just answer these questions as truthfully as you can, alright? [Picks up a notepad and starts noting Darth's answers] Okay. Number 1: Do you ever make remarks... which you later regret?
Darth: Uhhh, yeah. Sure?
Brian: Uh huh. Would you rather give orders... than take them?
Darth: Yeah?
Brian: Do you ever whistle... just for the fun of it. [The wall clock reads 11:35, then 12:20, and the camera pans down to Brian and Darth] Ohhhkay, and finally, does life sometimes feel vague and confusing to you?
Darth: Not really.
Brian: Hokay, Chris. Well, that's it. That's the end of the personality test.
Darth: For the last time, it's Darth.
Brian: Right, right. Sorry.
Darth: So how did I do?
Brian: Well, I hate to tell you this Chr-Darth, but... you are one messed-up little person.
Darth: ...yeah, I know.
Brian: Yeah, I'm afraid that you are completely miserable and totally depressed.
Darth: Wait, what? I'm not depressed, just a little pissed all my friends ditched me!
Brian: Well there's certainly no question that you are a perfect candidate for Scientology. I think it can really make you happy again.
Darth: [Sighs] Ok, I'll bite. What've I gotta do?
Brian: It's very simple. We just need two hundred and forty dollars.
[The AGN cafe, around dinnertime. Darth is sitting with this week's gang munching toast while they're all eating burgers and chips. Pineconn notices this]
Pineconn: Hey, what's up Darth? Not hungry?
Darth: No, not really. I had this Scientology test today and it said I was totally depressed.
Pineconn: And are you?
Darth: No! Well, not really. I think.
Pineconn: You're not sure?
Darth: Well I don't know! They probably screwed with my head while I was numb from boredom or something.
Pineconn: But you're a Sith Lord!
Darth: Yeah, I know. That's probably why I'm not out there killing people for the cash.
Pineconn: Cash?
Darth: Hmm? Oh, they want two hundred and forty dollars to 'fix' me.
Pineconn: So you're saying that if you weren't one with the Force, you'd be over there right now pawning all your stuff to give them the big bucks?
Darth: ...something like that.
Pineconn: Damn man, I didn't know anyone could screw with your mind.
Darth: I know! It's so messed up! I feel so insignificant.
Pineconn: ...you know what I think? I think we need to find out about these guys. I know LightningZ's got a few hundred bucks on him - go grab it and find out about these Scientologist guys. Think of it as an undercover mission.
Darth: ...yeah. Yeah, that sounds like fun. Ok, I'll do that.
[Darth puts his toast to one side and heads outside. A few moments pass before everyone in the Cafe can hear screams of ] 0h g0d! Mak3 th3 pa1n st0p! It hurt5! 50m30n3 h3lp me! [, but everyone just continues what they were doing. After a minute or so, Darth comes back in covered in blood and grabs his toast. Pineconn looks up at him curiously]
Darth: Hey, I paid for it.
[Cut to The Scientology Center. It's the next day, and Darth returns, a knowing smile on his face]
Kelly: Michelle, our friend Chris wants to have auditing.
Darth: Darth, dammit.
Michelle: Oho good, you're going to be so happy.
Darth: ...right.
Kelly: It's the beginning of a whole new life for you, Chr-Darth. See ya afterwards.
Michelle: Great, so do you have the two hundred and forty dollars? [Darth pulls out the bills and hands them over to Michelle. She counts it and notices that it's slightly red] ...is this blood?
Darth: Yeah. Try not to think about it, that's how most people cope.
Michelle: ...Ok... [She continues counting and realizes that all the money's there] Perfect! We're on our way! [She puts the money in a secure drawer and escorts Chr-Darth...] Come on over here and I'll fill you in on how the Church of Scientology works. [...down a hallway] You see, C-Darth, scientology was founded by a great man named L. Ron Hubbard. [A portrait of him is shown hanging on the wall] Mr. Hubbard discovered that negative emotions are actually caused by things called 'body thetans.'
Darth: 'Body thetans.'
Michelle: Yes! And being the genius that he was, Mr. Hubbard invented a way to get rid of those bad thetans. [They stop by a picture of a portable blue machine with two cylindrical grips plugged into the back] This is called an E-meter. It's the main tool of Scientology. You just grab a hold of these handles as I talk you through past experiences in your life. I'll be taking readings here, and we'll be able to determine your thetan levels.
Darth: Thetan levels.
Michelle: Come on in the auditing room and I'll show you how it works. [Moments later they are in the auditing room. They walk by a row of booths, each with a tester and a testee] All these people are just like you, C-Darth, auditing with E-meters to get rid of their negative emotions. [She reaches an empty booth and sits behind the controls as Darth takes his seat] All right, Darth, I want you to just relax and take hold of the E-meter handles. [Darth grabs them and draws them close]
Darth: So, this is gonna make me happy or what?
Michelle: Just take a few deep breaths, and I'll just get a base reading of your thetan levels. [Darth takes a deep breath and exhales, not quite sure why, then Michelle turns on the machine to take the reading. It reaches a 9.15] Hnh, that's, that's strange.
Darth: What?
Michelle: Somethin-, [She emits a strangely appealing giggle] something's wrong. Brian, could you come over here a second?
Brian: [He appears next to her, as if by magic] Yep- Oh hey there, Chris!
Darth: Darth.
Michelle: Will you... look at his thetan levels?
Brian: Huh, well. We'll get another E-meter - this one's obviously broken. Sorry about this, Greg.
[Cut to the lobby. Moocow has entered to take her own personality test]
Recruiter: And so we just try to analyze your personality, and if it seems like you need some help, then you can have an audit counseling for a nominal fee.
moocow: Well, that sounds pretty reasonable. [Brian comes out of the auditing room nervously]
Brian: Mike, I need to talk to you!
Mike: Excuse me ma'am, I'll be right back. [He and Brian go into the hallway] Are you all right? You're sweating!
Brian: [He shows Mike Darth's E-meter results] Take a look at this.
Mike: [Looks] What is it?
Brian: The E-meter results from the guy in Room D.
Mike: [Leafing through the results] This... this can't be right. [He scans faster]
Brian: We ran the tests four times! We used four different E-meters!
Mike: Fax these results to the head office in Los Angeles. The president has to see thus right away. Go! [He slaps Brian across the back] Now! [Brian leaves]
[Cut to a building. A njearby sign reveals it to be The L. Ron Hubbard's Scientology Celebrity Center. Cut again to an office onside]
Woman: The guy is from a small place called Armageddon, sir.
Man: Sir, how can it be that a first timer scores that kind of thetan level?? He registered OT9! I'm only OT7 and I've been in the church all my life!
President: I've waited... forty-two years... for this day.
Man: ...sir?
President: Don't you all see what this means? There was only one person who EVER registered OT9 in the history of our church. [He looks at something. The others gather to look with him. They look at a framed portrait of L. Ron Hubbard] L. Ron Hubbard said he had lived past lives. That when he died his thetan would show itself again. [He removes Darth's picture from the report and holds it up against the portrait] Our prophet has returned.
Darth Marsden
04-27-2007, 07:28 AM
...continued...
[The AGN Cafe, night. War Lord is clearing up the place, putting chairs on tables, etc. Darth is giving him a hand]
Darth: [Sweeping the floor]I still don't see why you had to revoke my Mod status.
War Lord: Look. You may have been keeping the place clean, but [He puts some more chairs on top of a table] that's only because people were too scared to do anything with you around.
Darth: Exactly! Terrify through intimidation!
War Lord: No, I mean anything. The whole area was dying 'cause people were afraid to even attempt starting a conversation.
Darth: ...yeah, I guess I went a bit overboard.
War Lord: Things aren't perfect, but I think Breaker and Co. are doing a pretty good job without you, y'know?
Darth: ...yeah.
War Lord: Hey - could you take out the trash over there? [He points to some nearby garbage bags]
Darth: Yeah, Ok.
[He grabs the garbage bags and steps over to the door. Both hands full, he nods his head and the door opens. He steps out and the camera follows him to reveal a group of people standing outside. Darth hasn't noticed them - he's in his own little world]
Man 2: There he is! [Darth is so surprised by this he drops both bags]
Man 3: Thank you for returning!
Man 4: He's wonderful! [The man starts to cry] He's so wonderful!
War Lord: [Joining Darth at the door] Dammit Darth, what the hell did you do this time?
Darth: I don't know! [A Scientology helicopter lands on the lawn and some officials open the door for the church's president, who exits, walks over to Darth, and kneels down]
President: Hello young man. I'm the head of Scientology. It is... [With great emotion, he bows his head] a great honor to meet you!
[Back inside the Cafe. The officials, Darth and War Lord have entered and are sitting at one of the tables War Lord had recently placed chairs on. He takes the last one down and sits on it himself]
War Lord: Ok. Would someone mind explaining just what's going on?
President: We've been looking for this man for a long time, Mr. Lord. He is the reincarnation of our church's most famous prophet.
Darth: Wait - what?
President: Scientologists the world over are simply rejoicing at his second coming.
War Lord: Look, we don't want any trouble here. We're a simple community and we don't want any random groups here, Ok?
President: We're not asking him to join us, Mr. Lord, we're asking him... to lead us.
Darth: [Looking out the window] Hey - is that John Travolta? [The group go to investigate]
John Travolta: [Speaking in an odd voice as he makes his way through the crowd] Is this where he lives? Is this where L. Ron Hubbart is? Oh my God!
President: Yes, John Travolta and Tom Cruise are big Scientologists. Do you believe me now? [He kneels next to Darth] Young man, I know you don't remember it, but... your name was L. Ron Hubbard. You revealed the secret that began the whole Church of Scientology.
War Lord: Ok Darth, you know what? Go home. I'll handle this. Head out the back way, we don't want any more attention then we've already got. [Darth walks out of shot towards the back, a puzzled look on his face]
Darth: [Emerging from the back of the Cafe] Jesus Christ...
Cruise: [Suddenly appearing in the alley] L. Ron? [He runs up and kneels before Darth] L. Ron! It really is you! [He puts his hands over his heart] Oh, this is the greatest day of my life!
Darth: Ah man, I really don't need this right now.
Cruise: Don't you understand, L. Ron? It's me! Tom Cruise!
Darth: Yeah, I know who you are.
Cruise: Ha-haven't I done well, L. Ron? Haven't you enjoyed my acting? Which film did you like best?
Darth: Well... I mean, you're not... you're not like as good as Leonardo di Caprio, but you're Ok, I guess.
Cruise: ...What?
Darth: I mean, I prefer guys like Steven Segeal, but you're Ok.
Cruise: [Burying his face in his hands] I'm nothing. [He lifts his head again] I'm a failure in the eyes of the Prophet! AAAH! [He runs into the Cafe, heads straight into the closet and closes the door]
Darth: Hey! [Walks inside and heads over to the closet] C'mon man, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.
Cruise: Go away!
Darth: Look, you can't stay here, this is our Cafe!
Cruise: Go away, I said!
Darth: [Walking into the front of the cafe where the others are out into the hall] War Lord! Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!
War Lord: ...what?
Darth: Tom Cruise locked himself in the closet and he won't come out. [War Lord walks out back and tries to open the closet door, then knocks. Darth follows him and looks on]
War Lord: Mr. Cruise? Mr. Cruise, come out of the closet.
Cruise: No!
War Lord: Come on, Mr. Crusie, this is ridiculous.
Cruise: I'm never coming out!
War Lord: [To Darth] What did you say to him?
Darth: I just told him I preferred Steven Segeal films then his.
War Lord: Oh, great. [Knocks on the door again] Mr. Cruise, you can't just stay in the closet, alright? You need to come out.
President: What's going on?
War Lord: Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet.
President: What??
Cruise: Just leave me alone!
War Lord: Well, we CAN'T leave you alone because YOU won't come out of the closet!
[Channel 4 Network News - Evening News. Flashy logo et al]
Anthony: [Obviously promoted to field reporter] It's been four hours now, and Tom Cruise still will not come out of the closet. Hundreds of onlookers here have gathered here in hopes that the celebrity will finally give in.
Breaker: Tom Cruise, this is the AGN moderator! Please come out of the closet. [The Cafe is shown] Everybody here just wants you to come out of the closet, Tom. [Someone takes a picture. The Cafe is shown again] Nobody's gonna be mad, everything's gonna be all right. Just come out of the closet.
Anthony: We're still not exactly sure why Tom Cruise is in the closet, but I'm being joined now by famous singer/songwriter R. Kelly.
R. Kelly: [Singing] Well I was just standing here, and Tom Cruise locked himself in the closet
I asked myself why won't Tom Cruise just come out the closet?
Nobody has no answers, and so I pull out my gun!
[He pulls out a gun and cocks it. Anthony screams and everyone scatters]
Tell my why Tom Cruise in the closet or else I'm gonna shoot someone!
[The front of the AGN Cafe. The church leaders are talking to him and War Lord]
President: Please, understand, we just want what is best for this guy. The reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard must be taken care of. He had many enemies.
War Lord: Wasn't L. Ron Hubbard a science-fiction writer?
President: Yes. But he was also a prophet... who knew the secret truth about the nature of life.
Darth: Oh for the love of...
President: We want to reveal to Darth the great secret of life behind our church. The safely-guarded Scientology doctrine. Please, he deserves to be enlightened.
War Lord: [Somewhat mockingly] ...Darth, do you want to hear the great secret doctrine of life behind Scientology?
Darth: Sure. I could do with a good laugh.
War Lord: Ok, go ahead and tell him.
President: Would you excuse us, please? This is highly-classified church information.
War Lord: What? But this is my...
Darth: C'mon War Lord, let the guy tell his little story.
War Lord: ...fine. But So help me god, if you mess up my Cafe... [He guides the group to his office, where they all sit down. He looks at Darth, who gives him an encouraging smile, and leaves, closing the door behind him]
President: Now usually, to hear the secret doctrine, you have to be in the church for several years, Darth. [Leans in] Are you ready to hear the truth?
Darth: Just get on with it.
President: You see Darth, there is a reason for people feeling sad and depressed. [As he speaks, images flash up, detailing what he describes, A line of text at the bottom of the screen reads 'This is what Scientologists actually believe'] An alien reason. It all began 75 million years ago. Back then there was a galactinc federation of planets which was ruled over by the evil Lord Xenu.
Xenu: Ho ho ho ho ho ho.
President: Xenu thought his galaxy was overpopulated [Xenu gives his orders] and so he rounded up countless aliens from all different planets [The roundup is shown] and then had those aliens frozen. [One by one, the aliens are frozen]
Xenu: [Laughing over his plan] Wa ha ha ha!
President: The frozen alien bodies were loaded onto Xenu's galactic cruisers, which looked like DC-8s, except with rocket engines. The cruisers then took the frozen alien bodies to our planet, to Earth, and dumped them into the volcanoes of Hawaii. [A shot of the frozen aliens encased in ice being dropped from the orange cruisers] The aliens were no longer frozen, they were dead. The souls of those aliens, however, lived on, and all floated up towards the sky. But the evil Lord Xenu had prepared for this.
Xenu: Wa ha ha ha!
President: Xenu didn't want their souls to return! And so he built giant soul-catchers in the sky! [The soul-catchers are shown - they look an awful lot like Cloud City from Star Wars] The souls were taken to a huge soul brain-washing facility, which Xenu had ALSO built on Earth. [The souls are watching a movie screen with 3D glasses] There the souls were forced to watch days of brainwashing material [Egyptian gods, Jesus carrying the Cross, and a bronze Buddha statue are shown] which tricked them into believing a false reality. Xenu then released the alien souls, which roamed the earth aimlessly in a fog of confusion. At the dawn of man, the souls finally found bodies which they can grab onto. They attached themselves to all mankind, which still to this day causes all our fears, our confusions, and our problems. [Cut back to War Lord's office, where Darth is looking at the president in disbelief] L. Ron Hubbard did an amazing thing telling the world this incredible truth. Now all we're asking you to do... [He hands Darth a pen and some paper] is pick up where he left off.
Darth: You're kidding, right? I wouldn't know where to begin.
President: Neither did L. Ron when he started. He said he just closed his eyes, and wrote down whatever came to mind. You can do the same. Just let it flow.
Darth: ...Ok, I'll give it a go. I just wish Tom Cruise would come out of the closet.
President: I know. We've send Nicole Kidman up there to see if she can help.
[Outside the eponymous closet. The sergeant, a photographer, War Lord, and a few other people wait further away from the closet while Nicole Kidman knocks on the door]
Nicole: Tom? Tom, It's Nicole.
Cruise: Ah. Hi Nicole.
Nicole: Tom, don't you think this has gone on long enough? It's time for you to come out of the closet.
Cruise: ...I'm not, I'm not in the closet.
Nicole: Yes you are, Tom. And you need to just end this and come out. [Silence] I'm not gonna think any differently of you. Katie's not gonna think any differently of you. You don't need to be in that closet anymore, Tom.
Cruise: I'm not in here, though.
Nicole: Yes, you are.
Cruise: I'm not, ...I'm not in the closet.
Nicole: Then how am I talking to you, Tom? [Silence] Tom, you can't hide forever just because the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard doesn't like your acting. Come out of the closet, Tom. You're not fooling anyone.
Cruise: I'm, I'm not, I'm not in here.
Nicole: Dammit Tom, get out of the freaking closet already!
Cruise: No!
[Nicole turns to the others and shrugs her shoulders. They all emit sounds of disappointment. Cut to the front of the Cafe, the next morning. Darth is at one of the tables, writing and rewriting. Wads of paper litter the table]
Darth: Hmm... [Gets an idea] Yeah, yeah!
Pineconn: [Walking in from the back of the Cafe] Damn, it's hard getting in here today. Listen, we're gonna go to the movies.
Darth: Sorry, can't. I'm writing a new sacred doctrine for my church.
Pineconn: Look, Darth, we're really getting concerned about this cult that you're getting into.
Darth: Relax, Pineconn! I'm not taking it seriously.
Pineconn: You... you're not?
Darth: Hell no! Check this out. [He hands one of the sheets of paper to Pineconn, who reads and starts sniggering] See? Total piss-take.
Pineconn: So you don't really believe you're the reincarnation of a guy who lived on a boat with only young boys and kept being busted by the feds.
Darth: No freakin' way. I'm just having some fun here.
Pineconn: Huh. Ok. So... no film?
Darth: No film. Sorry. Maybe next time.
Pineconn: Mmmkay then.
[Outside the closet again, later. John Travolta has now joined the effort to get Cruise out of the closet]
Travolta: Tom! Hey Tom, it's John. John Travolta.
Cruise: Oh, hey John.
Travolta: Tom, you've gotta come out of the closet. Oh my Gahd.
Cruise: L. Ron Hubbard doesn't think I'm a great actor.
Travolta: Mm-maybe you took what he said out of context. Ok, 's like, if you don't come out, can I at least come in and talk to you?
Cruise: Oh... Ok, but no tricks.
Travolta: No tricks. [He gives the group standing outside the closet a thumbs-up. The door opens and John goes into the closet] Hey, it's really nice in here.
Cruise: Yeah, see?
Travolta: I feel really safe. Oh my Gahd.
War Lord: [Knocks on the door] John? [He tries to force the door open] Oh dammit all, come out of there, you son of a bitch!
[Cut to outside again. Anthony is reporting on the latest developments, and the crowd of people has grown by about 400%.]
Anthony: Well, it now appears that John Travolta is also in the closet, and he refuses to come out. Here with more details once again, is R. Kelly.
R. Kelly: [Singing again] I was just standing here. Tom Cruise locked himself in the closet
Then John Travolta come and now, John Travolta in the closet too.
Please Tom Cruise and John Travolta come out the closet!
But then I calm myself down, and I pull out my gun!
[He pulls out the gun and cocks it again. Everyone screams and scatters, but the Anthony keeps his composure]
Anthony: Oh great, here we go with the gun again.
R. Kelly: [He grabs a random woman and holds her hostage] If Tom Cruise and John Travolta don't come out the closet, I'm gonna cap this biiitch!
[Back inside the Cafe, the president of the church is reviewing Darth's work. Darth has changed into black jeans and a dark red t-shirt. Combined with the goatee, he looks like a villain from The Bill]
President: Yes... Yes, oh this is great, Darth!
Darth: [Clearly enjoying himself] So, I don't think our followers shouldn't fly in DC-8s anymore because they're too much like Xenu's evil cruisers.
President: Yes, of course! So wonderful!
Darth: And of course, Lord Xenu was recently broken out of galactic jail.
President: Yes, of course!
Darth: And naturally, all the Scientologists should no longer have to pay money to belong.
President: [His joy disappears] What?
Darth: Well, I want to get the message out to as many people as possible, and if we only tell those who pay money what we're all about, it's gonna severely limit the number of people who hear our message.
President: [Turns around] What are you, stupid?! Then how do we make money from those people?!
Darth: ...hang on, this isn't about the message?
President: Wait a minute, whoa, whoa! You don't actually believe this crap, do you?? Dummy! Brainwashed alien souls?? E-meters and thetan levels?? Those people out there buy that crap and I thought YOU were smart enough to see what was really going on!
Darth: Ok, I'm just a little confused here-
President: What's better than telling people a stupid story and having them believe you?! [Darth draws a blank] Having them PAY you for it, stupid!
Darth: So why me? Why do you need me to write something so badly?
President: Because if those people all think you're the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard, then they'll all buy your new writings, and you and I together will make three million dollars!
Darth: Three million dollars?
President: That's how the scam works! But this is a scam on a global scale! Do you get me now?! [He leans in a bit]
Darth: Yeah. Yeah, I get you.
President: Then keep writing, 'L. Ron'! Your people are waiting.
[Back to outside the Cafe. Anthony is playing with a DS when someone hands him a piece of paper. He reads it, then quickly puts the DS away and addresses the camera]
Anthony: Breaking news here at the AGN Cafe. Tom Cruise and John Travolta still... will not come out of the closet. The moderators have decided to try a new method.
[Outside the titular closet. R. Kelly is there awaiting instructions. Breaker signals him towards the closet]
R. Kelly: [Still freakin' singing] I've been asked to come up here, get you both out of the closet
Man, this is some crazy stuff. Why won't you both just come out the closet?
And they said...
Cruise, Travolta: [Also singing]We're not comin' out the closet, so you can just go away.
R. Kelly: But everyone wants you out the closet.
Cruise, Travolta: That doesn't matter 'cause we're gonna stay.
R. Kelly: Now I'm startin' to get angry, so I pull out my gun! [Pulls out the gun and cocks it. Everybody stays exactly as they are - it's clearly a much tougher crowd in here]
I'm gonna give you a count of three to open this closet door.
1. I'm gonna shoot you both.
2. I'm gonna cap some bitch.
3. [The door opens and he approaches it with his gun ready to fire. He looks in, then goes into the closet as well]
Now I'm in the closet. Now I'm in the closet too.
[Outside the AGN Cafe, the next day. The crowd is enormous now, and people have been camping out just to get a glimpse at the new L. Ron. The front door opens and everyone starts murmuring, and the President of the Scientologist group steps out]
President: My fellow Scientologists! Our prophet has finished his new doctrine, and will now read some passages before making it available to you all for a nominal fee. [The crowd cheers] I give you... the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard! [Two officials bow and then spread roses before Darth's feet as he walks down a red carpet towards a marble stand with 'SCIENTOLOGY' engraved along the front. Darth is still wearing the black jeans and red shirt, but he's now got a knee-length black leather coat on as well, and looks suspiciously like Christ's evil twin. The crowd cheers wildly]
Darth: [He waves to the crowd. he's loving every minute of this] Thanks guys, great to be here. Ok, on with the show. First of all, I've written that the brainwashed alien ghosts are actually from a galaxy called Wiigii!
Crowd: Ohhhh.
Man: Wiigii...
Darth: Yeah. Powerful stuff. Next, these aliens that have attached themselves to us... they actually influence us while we sleep and that's what make us so violent!
Crowd: Ahhhh.
Woman: Of course! It all makes sense!
Darth: I know. So in order to purge ourselves of these impure actions, we must beat ourselves!
Crowd: Yeahhhh... what?
Darth: We must beat ourselves until the evil comes out! [He starts ranting and shouting like a madman] We must takes sticks of cane and whip ourselves until there is no more left to whip! And when this is done, we must all lie in a bathtub... a bathtub full of baked beans!
Crowd: You what? Come on! You must be joking! Etc!
Darth: I kid you not! The toxins and chemicals within baked beans are unique in destroying the evil spirits that haunt our every sleeping moment! And once they are destroyed, we shall be free men and women, able to control our own thoughts and actions once more!
Man: I.. guess that makes sense.
Woman: Yeah, I... suppose.
Darth: And once we have all cleansed ourselves, we must - help the helpless! The old, the disabled, the homeless, the poor, the ill and the beaten! We must all abandon our high-flying lives and dedicate ourselves to helping those who are less fortunate then us!
[At this, the crowd goes completely silent and, down to a last man, walks away. From behind Darth, Tom Cruise, John Travolta and R. Kelly all walk out of the AGN Cafe and head down the street, also without a word. The Scientology President looks on in disbelief as everyone abandons the cause]
President: What... what have you done?! You've destroyed everything! All those years of hard work... ruined!
Darth: Well, that's what you get when you try to turn me into a puppet. Now, if you don't mind, [He holds his hand out] I'd like my two hundred and forty dollars back please.
President: What? No way! You've ruined me! All I have left is the clothes on my back!
Darth: ...did I ever tell you I was a Sith Lord? [He stretches out his right hand and his saber flies into it. He ignites it and holds it menacingly at the President]
President: What? No! NO!
Darth: I mean, really. You should have figured it out. Seriously - Darth Marsden? Wasn't that even the remotest bit of a clue?
President: Please! NO!
Darth: The money, please. [He holds out his other arm again]
President: Here, take it! Take it all! [He takes his wallet from his pocket and throws it over to Darth, who catches it in his free hand. This done, he starts to run away, but Darth throws his saber after him. It slices straight through the middle of him and he looks down in disbelief as the saber returns to Darth's waiting hand] Oh. Well, bugger.
[Darth isn't even watching. He's counting the wad of money in the President's wallet. There's a fair chunk of green stuff.]
Darth: Cool. Now I can afford my TV AND a sweet-ass sound system for it too.
[He walks off camera, whistling as he does so.]
moocow
04-27-2007, 09:39 AM
I really want to sticky this, but I'm afraid if I do it'll get ignored, like everything else that's stickied. :P
Awesome, though. Totally <3
This is so awesome and stuffs. Hmmm... *sends a PM*
Prrkitty
04-27-2007, 01:48 PM
Eh... sticky it mooie. It's like the joke thread and gets added to almost on a daily basis.
Just my two cents :)
Darth Marsden
04-27-2007, 01:55 PM
Yeah, go for it. Then I'll have two stickied threads. Go me! And don't worry about it being forgotten, I'll be adding to it for a good long while.
...wait, y'hear that? That's the sound of millions of voices screaming out in joy, then being suddenly silenced...
moocow
04-27-2007, 03:08 PM
It r stucked. :D
Pineconn
04-27-2007, 04:01 PM
Hehe, great stuff. :D That's the entertainment for the day! I might as well go to bed now.
Stungun
04-27-2007, 05:33 PM
The fourth one was just the wrongest thing ever... o_o I got some chuckles out of the others though.
The_Amaster
04-27-2007, 06:04 PM
Wow...those were some of the funniest ones yet. Has Beldaran read this yet?
Darth Marsden
04-27-2007, 07:02 PM
Amaster42: Why, does he need to? I don't know if he's read this specific thread, but he's certainly aware of my stories in general.
Stungun: The fourth story was specifically chosen and written to basically make fun of one member of these forums. See if you can figure out which one. I'll give you a hint - his username is almost identical to someone I like much, much more.
Anyway. Time for some edumaction, folks!
Some of the following originally appeared in the 'Pineconn is...' (http://www.armageddongames.net/forums/showpost.php?p=1120562&postcount=50) thread shortly after I posted Episode IV, and is reprinted here with some minor modifications.
It can take me up anywhere between one to two hours to write each part of a story, so with three or four parts, I estimate the earlier stories took me about 5 hours to do, with the latest (Episode V) taking me about four. As I have said several times before, I have way too much free time. Still, if it makes so many people happy, then it's worth every second and I don't regret it for a minute.
For the stories I've already done and the ones I've yet to do, I take the original episode's script from South Park Stuff (http://www.southparkstuff.com). I find it, copy it and then paste it into the post editor. It looks a little rough, since the original text is in a table, so I need to go through and sort it out, while at the same time, change names and places. This is the part that takes the most time, and in the past Firefox has occasionally gone back a page and lost all my hard work, though it seems to have stopped doing this lately (thank god).
The reason I originally posted the stories in three or four different parts was due to me getting tired of the copy-paste-edit-replace routine, but since I've realized you can hit Ctrl-B and Ctrl-I to bold and italic highlighted text, it's become slightly less of a chore, and that's why I was able to post Episode V in one (well, two, but only because of the character limit) block. Of note was when I reposted the stories in this thread - I was able to grab the 'source code' behind the first three stories by quoting the post they were originally from, but since the 'Pineconn is...' thread was locked, I couldn't quote the posts. I had to copy the text straight from the thread and physically re-insert all the bold and italic tags. That took about an hour or so and left me a tad drained.
I may run out of South Park episodes, but that won't stop me. As threatened before, I do have some original ideas floating around in this big ol' brain of mine, and let's not forget that there are hundreds of other shows out there I can bastardize my way through. For the moment though, I think we're good.
biggiy05
04-27-2007, 08:51 PM
You've got what 10 or 11 seasons worth of episodes to screw with? I don't see a problem occuring for a while.
Darth Marsden
04-28-2007, 06:34 AM
So far South Park is in the middle of Series 11, so there's a fair number of stories out there, but the thing to remember is that not all of them are appropriate. I was a little concerned about the Scientology one, but once I got into it, realized it would be Ok.
It's a matter of finding episodes that not only can be adapted (which is most of them, I'll admit) but also make sense and will kind of apply. For instance, the episode Lemmiwinks. While it could be adapted, I wouldn't want to because of the subject matter: Mr Garrison replaces the puppet Mr Hat with the person Mr Slave, and in an attempt to get fired for being gay so he can sue the school, ends up shoving a gerbil up Mr Slave's ass. The children complain, but they're thought to be intolerant of gays, so they get sent to The Death Camp of Tolerance.
While I may take certain elements from that episode (The Death Camp of Tolerance, probably) and combine it with other bits from other episodes to make something more original, I wouldn't use the original episode, because it wouldn't work as a whole. It's a bit of a challenge going through and thinking 'Yeah, that episode would work', but sometimes I'll just be watching an episode for fun and realize 'Hey... if I replace that character with INSERT FORUM MEMBER HERE and... yeah, that'd work!'
That's exactly how Episode IV came about. I was watching 'Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy' and realized I could replace most of the characters, particularly Ike with Pineconn_lolz, who was being a tad annoying at the time. I just figured I'd find any female moderator to replace Miss Stevenson, and it was a happy coincidence that the mod for New Members was PrrKitty, a woman who'd not only enjoyed my previous stories, but wouldn't take her usage in the story the wrong way - hell, she'd probably love it (and she did). That pretty much sealed the deal, 'cause once I found that out, I just had to do the story.
Again, once I run out of South Park stories, there are plenty of other shows out there I can use. It's more a matter of me finding the right one.
moocow
04-30-2007, 04:10 PM
*peels her eyes*
Prrkitty
04-30-2007, 07:42 PM
Darthy, you are right... I know how to take a joke and definitely didn't take offense. Thank you for the wonderful laughs honey.
<hug>
Darth Marsden
04-30-2007, 08:35 PM
Surprise, suckas.
Episode VI - Smoking Sucks
[The AGN Cafe. A whole bunch of people are here, relaxing, arguing, grabbing a bite to eat... the usual. There are some speakers in the corner behind the microphone, a big multi-screen monitor in between the speakers, and a blue banner with the words 'BUTT OUT!' hangs across the roof, with the O doubling as a no-smoking symbol. There's plenty of chatter in the place as War Lord walks up to the microphone]
War Lord: Ok guys, could I have some quiet please? [No change in the level of noise] C'mon guys, pipe down, I wanna say something. [Again, no change. Breaker approaches him, takes the microphone and puts it against one of the massive speakers, creating a loud feedback loop. The crowd screams in pain as Breaker returns the mic to War Lord] Thanks. Ok, now I don't know if you realize this, but keeping this place going costs me money, and although some of you have been kind enough to donate, and a big thank you to those who do, it's still not quite enough. Fortunately, these guys have offered me a ton of cash to do some kind of talk, and 'cause I don't like to suffer alone, so you're all gonna have to sit through it, otherwise you're banned. [One if the crowd suddenly bolts for the door] Dammit. Breaker!
Breaker: On it! [He sprints to the door and grabs the guy. He spins him around to reveal it's cbailey78] Consider yourself banned, punk! [He produces a rubber stamp from his suit and stamps it on cbailey78's forehead. He pulls the stamp away, revealing the word 'BANNED' in big black letters.]
cbailey78: Aw, man.
War Lord: Ok? Anyone else? [Silence from the crowd as Breaker throws cbailey78 out of the door] No? Right then. Please put your hands together and get ready to suffer... 'Butt Out!'
[Some music starts up and a very enthusiastic troupe dashes out from behind the speakers and multi-screen monitor. After some chatter they begin to sing]
Butt Out!: Butt out! Yeah yeah! Kids, that cigarette butt is gross!
Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go! [The music stops and the troupe members strike poses]
Darth: Ugh, this is gonna be worse than Episode Two's love scenes.
Butt Out!: Yeah! All right! Woo hoo!!
Butt Out! Lady: Hey guys, how are we all feelin' today? Woooo! [Not a sound emanates from the audience, instead all choosing to look on in horror]
Butt Out! Man 1: [Steps forward] Hey, did you guys know that each year over six hundred thousand people a year die from smoking? A year!
Butt Out! Man 2: [Also steps forth] Six hundred thousand?? Are you sure you're not just blowing smoke? [The troupe members laugh. No-one else does]
Butt Out! Lady: Blow smoke? Us? No way! Because we don't need to smoke and neither do you, right guys? Butt out! Break it down! [A rap begins. The third male trouper becomes a really bad human beat box]
Butt Out!: Butt out! Yeah yeah! It's cool to say no!
Butt Out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go!
Butt Out! Man 3: [Steps forward and begins his beat box, just a bunch of utterances including] Smoking, no. No smoking. [He ends his bit and backs up]
Butt Out! Man 2: Freestyle!
Butt Out! Lady: Vernon! [The first of the Butt Out! males steps forth while the third one resumes his beat box]
Vernon: Don't smoke! Don't ever smoke!
Butt Out!: Kyle! [Vernon steps back into the line, the second But Out! male steps forth]
Kyle: B to the U to the T to the T to the O to the U to the T to the C to the I to the G to the A to the R to the E to the T to the T to the E! Butt out, cigarette!
War Lord: Oh Jesus, I didn't need the money THIS badly.
PrrKitty: I'm gonna kill myself. Swear to god. [Kyle goes back in line]
Butt Out!: Randy!
Randy: [Steps forth] Smoke you know has got to go. You go, you got to know to say the "no" to the smoke, you go go.. [Darth holds his nose, grimaces and sighs heavily] ... you gotta get it!
Butt Out!: Pam!
Pam: [Steps forth and makes like a diesel truck pulling to a stop. In a screeching voice she says] Don's smoke.
Butt Out!: Woo hoo! [She goes back into the line]
PrrKitty: That's it. I'm committing Sepuku. Darth, gimme your saber. [She looks over at Darth, but he's put himself into some kind of trance and is dead to the world] ...bastard.
Kyle: Hey! What's the big deal? I like smoking, and it makes me cool! [He turns his hat around so it's on backwards, and strikes a pose]
Pam: Oh, really? Do you think lung cancer is cool, too? [Kyle strikes a surprised pose]
Randy: What about emphysema? Is that cool? [Kyle clasps his hands together]
Vernon: And what about abortion, and AIDS? [Kyle slumps]
Randy: Pfft! That's none's the cool.
Pam: Word.
Vernon: Yeah. So butt out! [Kyle turns his hat back around]
Butt Out!: Butt out! Yeah yeah! Give that cigarette butt a throw!
Jigglysaint: Make the hurting stop...
Butt Out!:Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go!
Vernon: Remember guys, if you smoke, you could grow up to be a failure.
Pam: Worse yet, you could grow up to be dead. [She collapses into Vernon's arms. He stands her up again]
Kyle: So don't believe what those evil tobacco companies tell you!
Randy: Yeah, because if you don't smoke, you can grow up to be-
Butt Out!: [Striking one final pose] Just Like Us.
[The crowd looks at each other, not quite sure what to make of that. Cut to the alley round the back of the AGN Cafe. Jigglysaint, Pineconn and PrrKitty are all smoking cigarettes, while Darth apparently keeps a watch out. The three are all coughing badly - clearly not smokers]
PrrKitty: Give me a hit. Give me another one, give me another one. [She takes a cigarette from Pineconn's pack, lights up, and puffs]
Pineconn: Aw man, this is really hard.
Darth: Crap, here comes Breaker. [The group quickly turns away and toss the cigarettes and lighter into a nearby trash bin]
Jigglysaint: Throw 'em away! [The group's faces are red. Jigglysaint glances back] Here he comes. Guys, stop coughing. [The group stifles their coughs as Breaker draws near]
Breaker: [Stops, then walks around to face the group] What are you doing back here? [The group tries their best to keep their coughs in check] I asked you a question: What are you doing back here?
Darth: ...nothing. I'm just showing them where I met Tom Cruise.
Breaker: Yeah right. Nobody gives a crap about Tom Cruise. Now what are you doing.
Darth: Seriously! Right there, see, [He points to a slight spot on the ground that's a different color] that's where he cried when I told him I preferred Steven Segeal. War Lord'll back me up on this.[Suddenly Pineconn sneezes, and a large amount of snot ends up on his face and jacket] Ah man, that's gross.
PrrKitty: Yeah, ew. [With the stifles broken, the group resume coughing]
Breaker: Have you guys been smoking or something?
Darth: No! No I have not!
Breaker: I mean, it's cool with me. I don't care. You're all over the limit and stuff, right?
Darth: Ok, now I'm getting pissed. [A burst of flame appears behind Breaker in the trash bin] I am totally not smoking. [The other three look a bit alarmed, but Darth's off in his own little world] I've told you that clearly, and you're still prodding us? Where the hell do you get off? [The wall behind the bin burst into flame. The others are getting scared. More of the wall bursts into flames and the flames begin to enter into the building] What the hell is your problem? You just don't trust anyone, do you? [Pineconn nudges him and points to the flames] What? [He realizes] ...oh. Bugger. [The fire alarm goes off and the building empties out the front door]
moocow: [Running with the others] Dammit, third time this has happened! I always attracted the weirdos!
[A few hours later, the building has been gutted by the flames and firefighters are cleaning up. Police are present for crowd control. Inside War Lord's office ...or, rather, the remains of War Lord's office. Only the door and the desk remain. The bookshelves are burnt up except for the bottom shelf. The cabinets are charred. The desk is charred and two of its legs are burnt off. The group is standing before War Lord's charred desk]
War Lord: [Seated behind his desk with Breaker and MottZilla] Well, I'm not happy.
PrrKitty: I have to admit, you're taking it awfully well.
Breaker: Yeah, he took out most of his anger on LightningZ earlier. He's in intensive care, from what I hear.
Jigglysaint: Too good for him, if you ask me.
MottZilla: Yeah, well, we didn't, did we?
War Lord: Now look, I don't care if you were smoking or not-
Darth: I bloody well was not!
War Lord: I wasn't talking to you!
Darth: ...oh.
War Lord: As I was saying, I don't care if you were smoking. But I do care about this place being burnt down!
Pineconn: Yeah, we're really sorry about that-
War Lord: 'Sorry' doesn't bring back my building, does it?
Darth: Actually, there's a German building cement that's called 'sorry', so technically...
MottZilla: Dammit Darth, just stop talking, Ok?
Darth: ...Ok.
War Lord: Right. Now I don't wanna do this, but I think you deserve it - two week bans for the lot of you.
PrrKitty: What? But I've got a New Members to look after!
War Lord: I think Breaker is perfectly capable of coping with your duties for a fortnight.
PrrKitty: Like hell he is! He'll tear them to pieces!
War Lord: Well, you should have thought of that before you smoked, shouldn't you?
PrrKitty: Augh!
Pineconn: Blasted tobacco companies. I blame them for this.
MottZilla: ...you do?
Jigglysaint: [Sensing a chance and going for it] Well, yeah. They're the ones who told us to smoke.
MottZilla: ...so this is actually the tobacco companies fault?
Pineconn: [Picking up on the ruse] Yeah. This is really THEIR fault.
MottZilla: Dammit! No matter how much money the anti-smoking groups spend, the tobacco companies are there to fill people's heads with lies and propaganda that make them wanna smoke.
War Lord: Hey, now come on. This is getting a little off topic, isn't it? We're talking about this place, not whether people have a right to-
Pineconn: Yeah, huh? [He launches into a small demonstration] Ih, it's like the tobacco companies have control of my mind- No. Must. Fight it. Tobacco companies... making me want to smoke. Ah!
MottZilla: Oh, that does it. We need the help of the greatest anti-smoking celebrity that ever lived. Rob Reiner.
PrrKitty: [To Darth] ...who's Rob Reiner?
[Cut to Rob Reiner's Smoke Stoppers. A blue skyscraper flanked by two taller blue towers, with the Hollywood sign in the background. Inside, Rob Reiner speaks to four executives, but he's facing the window. He's reading from some papers]
Rob Reiner: [Breathless, he dabs his forehead] I don't understand it. I pushed a law for higher taxes on cigarettes, I lobbied to get images of cigarettes removed from movies and art, I forced smokers out of bars and parks, but still I get letters from parents saying their kids are doin' it. [He puts the papers on the desk, unwraps a triple cheeseburger, starts eating it, and sits down at his desk] Apparently, people still don't understand how bad smoking people is for them. Don't they know how dangerous it is to their health? [He dabs his forehead head] Don't they know the hazard of second-hand smoke?
Executive 1: According to the letter, sir, this place has a tobacco company quite near them.
Rob Reiner: Yeah, that must be it. [Again with the dabbing the forehead] The tobacco companies, with their millions of dollars and their slick desks and fancy buildings, [The camera pulls out to show the slick desk and fancy building Reiner is in. Reiner dabs his forehead once again] they're the ones making music wanna smoke! [Dabs his forehead yet again, opens another triple cheeseburger and begins munching on that] They're the ones hurting our nation's health! I will not stand by and see the children of America corrupted by those bastards! [I'm getting pretty fed up of saying 'he dabs his forehead'] This is war!!
[Outside the AGN Cafe. People have gathered to greet Reiner when he arrives, and some people have signs saying the same thing as the banner. Other signs say "THANKS ROB!!", "Welcome MEATHEAD!" and "Give 'em hell REINER!" Darth and friends wait by the front door]
Darth: Guys, maybe we should come clean right now and tell everyone that it wasn't the tobacco companies that made you want to smoke.
PrrKitty: ...wha?
Jigglysaint: Why? It's perfect. If everyone's blaming the tobacco companies, then nobody's blaming us.
Pineconn: Yeah, what's the problem?
Darth: Well it's just that, eh, this seems like another one of those times when things are gonna get way out of hands, you know? It's been happening a lot lately. How about this time we just put a stop to it right now?
Jigglysaint: Look, do you wanna be banned for two weeks?
Darth: No, but I think I'd rather take that then deal with another cult.
Pineconn: Don't worry. Things aren't gonna get out of hand.
Warlock: Here he comes!
[Two Smoke Stoppers vans and a big rig pull up to City Hall. Rob Reiner follows in a Cadillac, which stops at the walkway leading up to the front door. Reiner opens the door and tries to get out, but he's stuck]
Rob Reiner: [After a few grunts] Dammit. [He struggles some more, but fails to move any] Butter! [The driver glances back] Butter! [The driver exits the car and walks around the front]
War Lord: I can't believe I agreed to this. You guys have too much push over this place.
Rob Reiner: Butter!! [The driver arrives with a bucket of butter. Rob Reiner grabs a bunch of it and butters himself up. The driver leaves with the butter as Reiner rubs the last of it against the seat of his pants. Reiner struggles once more and pops out of the car, falling to the ground. He stumbles, then rises and stumbles again. This time he stands up and raises his hands in victory. This raises his sweater, and his belly is exposed. He notices this and lowers his sweater. He raises his hands again and his sweater rises. He lowers his hands and walks up to the dais. The mic transmits his breathlessness as he (god dammit) dabs his forehead. His cheeks are rosy from the heat leaving his head] Hello AGN! [The crowd cheers as the gang look at each other] It is so nice to see an entire community come together to fight for good health! And I'm gonna help ya! [The crowd cheers] These poor innocent people have been seduced into smoking tobacco. So I say, "We fight fire with fire!" We're gonna use these guys to bring the tobacco companies down! [Someone shoots some confetti in the air and it rains down over everybody]
War Lord: WAY too much push.
[Inside the AGN Cafe. Reiner sits at a booth with the gang, feverishly eating. moocow comes up with a platter of cheeseburgers and fries]
Rob Reiner: All right guys, here's what we're gonna do. [moocow replaces a cleared platter with the newly loaded one] We're gonna sneak you into the tobacco company by saying you want a tour for a local paper. [He begins eating the burgers and (augh!) dabs his head] Once you're inside, mm, mm, I'm gonna take photos and then we'll publish them, saying that the tobacco company invited you over to seduce you into smoking. Got it?
Jigglysaint: Got it! [Darth and PrrKitty look at each other]
Darth: Look, I... I don't think I wanna be a part of this.
Rob Reiner: Look, we're just leveling out the playing field. [:cry: Dabs his forehead] The tobacco companies lie to you about the dangers of smoking. If we're gonna take them down, we've gotta lie right back! [Begins to sniff around after detecting cigarette smoke, then focuses in on the source. The guys look as well. The source is Glitch, who's wearing a Buds Light Beer hat, enjoying a drink and a smoke in one of the chairs on the other side of the room next to an open window] Oh my God! [He coughs loudly, but fails to get the man's attention. He rises from the booth and walks up to the smoker] Excuse me!
Glitch: Yeah?
Rob Reiner: Would you mind putting that death stick out?!
Glitch: But, uh, War Lord says this is alright if I do it here. [He points to a nearby sign that says 'Smoker's Section']
Rob Reiner: Isn't smoking illegal in here?
War Lord: Not in my town.
Rob Reiner: Oh my God! What kind of backward hick state is this?!
War Lord: Hey!
Glitch: Look man, I work fourteen hours a day at the saw mill. I just got off work and I need to relax.
Rob Reiner: Well when I relax I just go to my vacation house in Hawaii!
Glitch: [Getting irritated] I haven't got a vacation house in Hawaii!
Rob Reiner: Yuh your vacation house in Mexico, then, whatever it is! Look, you are putting my life and everyone else' life in danger by smoking that in here! And I'm not gonna tolerate it! I will end smoking in bars in AGN! There will be no more smoking here! [He marches back over to the table]
Jigglysaint: Isn't he awesome, you guys?
Pineconn: What?!
Jigglysaint: I mean, he just goes around imposing his will on people. He's my idol. [He picks up an onion ring and munches on it]
Darth Marsden
04-30-2007, 08:36 PM
...continued...
[The next day, Reiner and the guys approach the front door of a big building. A nearby sign identifies it as the Big Tobacco Co. Headquarters]
Rob Reiner: [He turns to face the gang] All right guys, just do what I tell ya and we'll be able to sue this tobacco company for two billion dollars! [He pulls out a drumstick from his sack and starts eating it] As soon as we get into the main facility, I'll snap the photo of you guys, and we can all run out! Think you can handle it?
Jigglysaint: Handle it? For two billion dollars I'd handle my grandpa's balls, sir.
Darth: Ok, that does it. Screw you guys, I'm going home. [Walks off]
Rob Reiner: ...eh, we don't need him. [He opens the sack and pulls out a blonde wig] Now watch yourselves. These tobacco company people will do anything to get you hooked on smoking. They are liars and they are frauds!
[Big Tobacco Co., headquarters. The front door opens and the four walk in]
Receptionist: Can I help you?
Rob Reiner: [Now wearing the wig he pulled out] Yes. My name is Rita Poon. I called about my reporters wanting a tour.
Executive: [Enters, stage right] Ah, yes, Mrs. Poon. My name's Kevin Harris and I'm the vice president of Big Tobacco.
Rob Reiner: Oh. Hello, Mr. Harris.
Kevin Harris: Well, come on in. [He motions the group to a hallway, which they enter] How about a little history first? [He stops by a portrait of Indians seated around a campfire] Native Americans were the first to cultivate the tobacco plant. They smoked it in pipes for medicinal and ceremonial purposes.
Rob Reiner: [Muttering] Not if I were around, they wouldn't have.
Kevin Harris: Excuse me?
Rob Reiner: Oh, nothing! Please continue.
Kevin Harris: The first successful commercial crop of tobacco was cultivated in Virginia in 1612. [He stops by a portrait of Pilgrims harvesting the crop] Within seven years it was one of the country's largest exports.
Pineconn: So, tobacco helped to build America.
Kevin Harris: That's right. Over the next few centuries the tobacco business was so great that many slaves were brought from Africa to help work the fields.
PrrKitty: Which means, if it weren't for tobacco, many of our black friends wouldn't be here today.
Kevin Harris: [Moves on] And so for centuries, tobacco production flourished. Nobody was even aware of any dangers back then, until, in 1965, [He stops at a framed tobacco warning] when Congress passed an act forcing all tobacco companies to put the Surgeon General's warning on their packages. So now, everyone knows the dangers of smoking. And some people still choose to do it, and we believe that's what being an American is all about.
Pineconn: That sounds perfectly reasonable.
Kevin Harris: And here's one of our factories at work. [He opens the double doors to the factory. The workers begin to sing. Some of them scoop tobacco plants into large tanks. Other collect minced leaves into large wheelbarrows, others keep inventory. They break into song and dance near the end of the song]
Factory workers: With a hidey lidey lidey and a hidey lidey lay
We work and we make cigarettes all hidey lidey day
So folks can get a breaky from their stressful lidey lives
And relaxy with the cigarettes we make all day and night
Young Worker: I like to have a cigarette every now and then [Turns around]
It makes me fee-l calmer when the day is at an end [He hops onto the wheelbarrow and rides away]
Older Worker: And if it gives me cancer when I'm eighty I don't care
Who the hell wants to be ninety anyway?
Factory workers: So with a hidey lidey lidey and a hidey lidey lay
We work and we make cigarettes all hidey lidey day
So folks can get a breaky from their stressful lidey lives
And relaxy with the cigarettes we make all day and night
Kevin Harris: Well, I guess that's the end of our tour.
Rob Reiner: Oh, here guys. Let me get your picture. [The three turn around and Reiner takes the picture] Got it! Ha! You bastards are going down now!
Kevin Harris: What?
Rob Reiner: I'm not Rita Poon! I'm Rob Reiner! [He takes off the wig] And you've just been Reinered! Come on boys, let's make our escape! [He makes a dash for the exit. A worker with a cart of cases of cigarettes is gong about his business] Don't you try and stop us! [He smacks the worker, who goes down cold. He runs further on and picks up another worker over his head, then throws him down onto the floor below. The other workers panic]
Kevin Harris: [Looking down at the mayhem] Oh my God!
[Cut to the Temporary Smoke Stoppers offices, later that night. Reiner and the guys arrive]
Rob Reiner: Oh boy, that was great, really great.
Pineconn: Those people at the tobacco company all seem really nice.
Rob Reiner: Hah, you see that? They got into your head. Now you guys can meet some good, decent people, the folks who work to get smoking banned!
[Inside the Temporary Smoke Stoppers offices, the workers walk around like zombies, or Igor, Dr. Frankenstein's helper. They make grunts as they pass each other. A woman runs off and the man chases after her]
Rob Reiner: [He walks across the room towards a table laden with burgers] This is how we get rid of smokers. [He approaches and grabs a burger] We go state to state and do things like, use bogus studies and make extensive commercials to get the public on our side and force cigarette smokers to stop!
Jigglysaint: Wow. It's like, it's like, smoking brings a lot of people just a little bit of joy and, and you get to take that away from them. [He cuddles up to Reiner] You are so awesome.
Rob Reiner: [He walks up to an employee and hands him the camera. The worker hooks it up to his computer] Here you go Bob. [Explains to the guys] This is Mr. Baffrey. He does all our Photoshop work. [The screen is shown with a picture loading behind a download progress bar] Now, all we have to do is Photoshop cigarettes into your hands! [Baffrey does so with surprising ease] And bingo! When this hits the papers the tobacco company is screwed! Hahahaha! [B][Baffrey joins in the laughter]
PrrKitty: But... you're just making stuff up.
Rob Reiner: [Munching on another burger] You guys need to understand something, Ok? Sometimes lying is Ok. Like, when you know what's good for people more than they do.
Jigglysaint: Oh my God, that is what I've always said. [Motions to Reiner] I love this guy!
Worker: [Walks in with a news feed] Mr. Reiner, your bill to have smoking outlawed at bars here didn't pass.
Rob Reiner: What?! [He grabs the news feed the worker was holding] Goddammit, what the hell is wrong with people in this state?!
Worker: Apparently, several people here still believe there's no proof second-hand smoke can kill you.
Rob Reiner: Well they want proof?! All right, we'll give them proof! Guys, I need one of you to act in a commercial for us! We'll shoot it tomorrow!
Jigglysaint: [Eagerly] Wow, a commercial?
Rob Reiner: And you boys decide which one of you will be best for the part. All right people, we've gotta get moving on the bill to ban smoking in Potsdam! Let's go!
Jigglysaint: God, he's just the best! [He rushes off to follow Reiner] Mr. Reiner, can I get you a muffin? O-or a cold drink, perhaps?
[Pineconn and PrrKitty leave. Cut to outside the Temporary Smoke Stoppers building, where they stop and talk]
PrrKitty: I'm beginning to think Darth had the right idea about this.
Pineconn: Yeah, and Jigglysaint's getting really creepy. I know he hasn't been around lately, but was he always that bad?
PrrKitty: Not THAT bad. Lord only knows what that other place did to him...
Pineconn: So whaddya think. Bail?
PrrKitty: Bail. [The pair start to walk away when Jigglysaint comes out and catches up with them]
Jigglysaint: So guys, looks like only one of us gets to be in the commercial, huh? Who will it be...? The game is on!
Pineconn: Go ahead. We don't wanna be in their stupid commercial.
Jigglysaint: [Confused] Huh? Oh, I get it, Pineconn. That's your Serbian Jew double bluff. Make me think you don't care about being in the commercial so that maybe I won't either. Oops. didn't work, did it, pineconn?
PrrKitty: No, we really want nothing more to do with these people.
Jigglysaint: Oh, sure you don't, Kitty kat. Oh, and neither do I. Oh, I know what you're gonna say next. You're gonna say, "How about none of us show up tomorrow to do it?" And then I'm supposed to agree so that tomorrow you can waltz in all by yourself and do the commercial. That's Serbian Jew double bluff and it ain't [Poke] gonna [Poke] work [Poke] on [Poke] me [Poke] ha [Poke] ha [Poke] ha [Poke]. Only one of us can be in that commercial, folks. The game... is on. [Leaves]
Pineconn: ...wonder what Darth's doing?
[Cut to Darth's house. He's sitting in a comfortable-looking leather chair, reading the Tomorrow Never Dies novelization. Focus on him for a few moments before he looks up at the camera]
Darth: What?
[Cut to the Temporary Smoke Stoppers offices, the next morning. Jigglysaint is at the photo shoot getting makeup, being prepped for the shot]
Rob Reiner: Ok Jiggles, this is going to be real simple. All you gotta do is read the words on the TelePrompTer here. [He motions to the monitor to his right, which has the TelePrompTer ready to go]
Jigglysaint: [Giddily] Heh, ho-okay. [The make-up crew leave]
Rob Reiner: Let's see how the tobacco companies deal with this. [He settles into his director's chair] All right, roll camera. Roll the TelePrompTer. And whenever you're ready, Jiggles.
Jigglysaint: Heh, Ok, Ok. [He takes a deep breath, then strikes a somber pose] You know, some people say there's no proof that second-hand smoke kills. The tobacco companies say there's no proof that second-hand smoke kills. I've just been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. I guess... I'm the proof. The next time you want to believe that second-hand smoke doesn't kill, think about me. Because, by the time you see this commercial, I'll be... dead. [He takes a closer look at that last line, then looks at Reiner] Dead??
Rob Reiner: And cut! Great! We got it! Wrap it up, people. That was fantastic.
Jigglysaint: Uh what... what does that mean, 'I'll be dead'? Hey, uh what, what was that 'dead' part?
Scary Assistant: That was very good, young man. Here, eat this cupcake.
Jigglysaint: Uh, no, thanks. I'm not hungry.
Scary Assistant: But you are. Just eat this one cupcake. It has... sprinkles.
Jigglysaint: [Pushes the cupcake away] I'm not eating the cupcake.
Rob Reiner: [Approaches Jigglysaint] Jiggles, do you know what a hero is? A hero is somebody who sacrifices himself for the good of others. You can be a hero, Jiggles. All you have to do... is eat the cupcake. [The scary assistant moves it towards Jiggles' mouth again]
Jigglysaint: [Realizes what the words he said mean and bolts from the stool] Jesus Christ! HAAAA!
Rob Reiner: [Giving chase] Hey! [Jigglysaint runs out a side door, Reiner follows close behind]
[Cut to Darth's house. Him and the others are in the front room, watching what appears to be Doctor Who. Jigglysaint opens the door, runs in, and closes it quick. He then goes to a window and looks to see if he's being followed]
Darth: [Looking over] What the hell are you doing, Jigglysaint?
Jigglysaint: They're going to kill me! [He walks to the other window and looks out]
PrrKitty: Who's going to kill you?
Jigglysaint: The anti-smoking people! They had me say I died from second-hand smoke and... now they want to sacrifice me to make it look real! They'll stop at nothing!
Darth: Whatever. Go hide somewhere else, you're ruining a perfectly terrible soft-core porn flick.
Jigglysaint: [Draws close] You guys have to help... [Notices the TV] ...what the hell is this?
Pineconn: Abduction of the Daleks.
Jigglysaint: ...oh. [Remembers what he was doing] You gotta help me!
Darth: [Finds the remote and pauses the film. The others sigh in disappointment] Look. You wanted to do the commercial, you got yourself into this mess. Find your own way out of it. And who the hell said you could come into my house?
Jigglysaint: Please!
Darth: No! If you want help that badly, go find it somewhere else.
Jigglysaint: For god's sake, why won't you- wait! If you won't help me, I know someone who will! The tobacco company! They'll help us!
Darth: Help you, you mean! We weren't in the commercial, remember?
Pineconn: Yeah! Go to the tobacco company yourself!
Jigglysaint: Well that's fine. I thought you guys were my friends, but I guess I was wrong! [Crosses his arms]
Darth: Yeah. You were totally wrong.
Pineconn: Hell yeah.
Jigglysaint: You guys, I am seriously gettin' pissed off here! Now come on, we're goin' to the tobacco company.
PrrKitty: [Yielding] Oh, all right.
Darth: No! What we really should do is go to War Lord right now and take responsibility for the cigarettes ourselves. Even if it means getting banned.
Pineconn: Why?
Darth: Because, if we go to the tobacco company, I know exactly what'll happen. They'll take us in, and then Rob Reiner will show up with all the townspeople, holding torches or something, and there'll be a big showdown until we talk about what we learned, and change everyone's minds - this is all following a formula!
Pineconn: So it's either deal with all that, or be grounded for three weeks. [The group stroke their chins in thought]
[Cut to Big Tobacco Co., night. The town arrives with all the townspeople carrying torches and clamoring]
Darth: God-dammit. [Jigglysaint hides behind Mr. Harris upon seeing Rob Reiner]
Rob Reiner: Give us the Jiggles!
Kevin Harris: We will not!
Rob Reiner: There, you see that?! The tobacco company won't give us the kid! And do you know why?! Because they know that if they give us that kid, then we'll kill him! And when our commercial goes on the air, it will lose them business!
Crowd: Yeah! Yeah, that's right!
War Lord: Wait a minute, what?
Rob Reiner: Yeah. When we kill the guy, people are gonna think it's because of second-hand smoke! And then these bastards are all gonna make money, and they know it!
Breaker: Wha- what the hell is wrong with you? That's not right!
Rob Reiner: Oh, God-dammit, do I have to explain this again? Smoking is bad, people! So if we have to be a little extreme to stop it, it's Ok!
Darth: No it isn't, you stupid bastard! Because, I've learned something today. You just hate- [To Pineconn] See, I told you.
Pineconn: Yup.
Darth: You just hate smoking, so you use all your money and power to force others to think like you. And that's called fascism, you tubby asshole!
Rob Reiner: GOD-DAMMIT THERE'LL BE NO MORE SMOKING!!
Pineconn: It wasn't the tobacco companies' fault that we smoked. It was our fault, us! We should all take personal responsibility instead of letting fat fascists like him tell us what to do!
War Lord: Thank you! Took you long enough to admit it.
Glitch: Yeah. Let smokers smoke.
Crowd: Yeah!
MottZilla: Hey Mr. Reiner, why don't YOU Butt Out! [They all laugh]
Rob Reiner: [Holding a big slice of chocolate cake] I'm warning you: don't mess with anti-smoking groups!
Jigglysaint: [Approaches Reiner] I don't idolize you anymore, asshole! [He pulls out a fork and jabs it into Reiner's belly. Reiner begins to deflate as fat gushes out of the punctures Jigglysaint made with the fork]
Rob Reiner: My goo! My precious goo! [Apparently, there were no bones there. All that's left of Reiner is a puddle of fat and the skin it was all in. Jigglysaint returns to the other guys, and the others gather around them]
Mottzilla: So guys, it wasn't the tobacco company that made you wanna smoke?
Darth: Well, not me, but...
Pineconn: No, none of us.
War Lord: Then you're all banned for a fortnight.
Darth: Ah, dammit!
Majora
04-30-2007, 09:39 PM
AHHHH!!!! THE LAUGHTER.... IT'S..... UNCONTROLLABLE!!!! AAAAHHHH!
Woah.... pure genius. Wait, was that a SP rip? regardless, GENIUS! If I had flash skills, I would so make that into a cartoon (based on a picture someone would let me use, or their current avatar)
Has War Lord read any of these? Or any of the various people who've shown no sign of it? (I.e. Glitch, bailey, etc.)
Pineconn
04-30-2007, 11:16 PM
Haha! That might be your best one yet!
:smoking:
Don't look at me, Darth convinced me.
Darth Marsden
05-01-2007, 04:24 PM
It wasn't me, it was the big tobacco companies, with their millions of dollars! :p
majora: I've no idea of who's read these stories. The only way I know for sure is if they post and let me know. I don't know about War Lord or Breaker, but I do know the following have read at least some of my stories:
AlexMax (I haven't used him in a story yet, have I?), Amaster42, biggiy05, Dechipher, elise, Fabiano the Spy, gdorf, Glenn the Great, majoras_wrath (Don't think I've used him either), moocow, mrz84, Pineconn, Pineconn_lolz, PrrKitty, Sam Atoms (Or him), Stungun (Same again), SUCCESSOR (I've used him, right?) and The Cyborg.
If anyone else who's not on that list would like to let me know that they've read my stories (and, hopefully, enjoyed them), I'd appreciate the feedback.
Darth Marsden
05-03-2007, 09:11 PM
Boo.
Episode VII - Game On!
[The streets of AGN, some time in the morning. Darth, mjoras_wrath, Pineconn and Revfan9 are all heading down the street towards General Gaming]
Darth: Ok, this time it's me and majora vs. you guys.
Pineconn: Fine with me. Doesn't matter who you're with, you're still going down.
Darth: [The group reach General Gaming] Yeah, right.
majoras_wrath: [He stops] Oh man, what's with all the losers hanging around? [All around the basketball court former residents of Forum Games loiter or sleep. There's one sleeping at center court. The guys walk up to him] Hey! You think you could move, please?
halenite: hay y0u play teh gam3?
Darth: Oh man, it's Forum Games all over again! [He walks over and kicks halenite] Learn to type, asshole!
Revfan9: Guys, that's not cool. These people have nowhere to go since Forum Games died out. [The camera starts a slow pan of the 'gamers' around them] They don't have food, shelter, typing skills... We have to do something.
Pineconn: Well what are we supposed to do? Keep the place alive? As if.
majoras_wrath: Yeah, you know what that place is like.
Darth: No, Revfan's right, you guys. We should do something.
Pineconn: ...really?
Darth: Yeah. I know what you're thinking Rev, and I'm with you. I know exactly what we should do.
[A few minutes later. Other members of AGN are gathered in the basketball court, watching as the gang set something up in the middle of the court]
Sam Atmos: [Through a bullhorn] Gather 'round and witness the glory as Darth Marsden attempts to jump his skateboard over the 'gamers'. [majoras_wrath and Pineconn are preparing the ramp at center court for Darth]
Darth: Thank you, thank you. [To Pineconn] The ramp ready?
Pineconn: Yeah, it's all set.
AlexMax: [From the sideline] He won't make it.
Revfan9: Excuse me, this isn't exactly what I had in mind!
Darth: All right, here we go! Stungun? [Stungun starts the drum roll. Darth takes off, picking up speed on his way to the ramp. moocow and PrrKitty have their fists ready to pump for him. He leaves the ramp successfully, flies over halenite and performs a 360 Varial McTwist which leads into a 360 Flip Tail Grab before landing perfectly on the ground. Once he does so, he flips the skateboard up into his outstretched arm as the crowd cheers at him]
halenite: Whu?
Darth: Damn I'm good. [Starts pandering to the crowd - going over and tagging outstretched hands, pointing at particular people, etc]
Pineconn: Aw, that was awesome!
majoras_wrath: Sweet idea, Rev. [He smiles. Revfan9 doesn't]
Revfan9: God-dammit, that wasn't my idea!
[The AGN Cafe, later that day. Inside War Lord's office, the man himself is sitting behind his desk while Breaker, MottZilla, The Cyborg and another character, hidden by mysterious shadows all stand in front of his desk]
War Lord: All right guys, we need to come up with answers. Since Forum Games pretty much died, its former occupants are sprouting up all over the place trying to start new games. What are we supposed to do? [Silence for a few seconds]
The Cyborg: Well, I... I sort of... had an idea.
War Lord: Go on.
The Cyborg: Well... We could give the 'gamers' all designer sleeping bags and makeovers. At least that way they'd be pleasant to look at.
Other Members: Oh, that's a good one. Good idea. I like it.
Breaker: Well I was thinking: We could turn the homeless into tires, so that we'd still have homeless, but we could use them, on our cars.
The Cyborg: Oh, that's a good one. Nice one.
War Lord: Sound's good, so long as you don't get blood everywhere.
Breaker: ...ah.
MottZilla: All right, enough! Dammit, these former gamers aren't monsters, they are people, like you and me!
Breaker: You mean they've adapted, copied our DNA.
The Cyborg: That makes them more dangerous then ever!
Person in Shadows: Guys... if I may say something. [The whole group turns and look at the person. No-one can see who it is because of the weird shadow that's covering them. Breaker, standing behind them, turns on a light on his suit, revealing the person to be carrot red. The group recoils in surprise]
MottZilla: Jesus, I thought you were dead.
carrot red: Look. I used to be in charge of Forum Games, before it got all crappy and died off. We all know why more gamers are showing up across AGN. They've nowhere else to go. But that's not important right now. What is important is that we must be extremely careful. If we give them anything, anything at all, there could well be even more.
[Revfan9's house. It's late in the evening and it's raining heavily. Revfan9 looks out from a window on the second floor and sees a former gamer on the sidewalk. The man carries a used tin can with his right hand and a small 'GOT GAME?' cardboard sign with his left hand. A car passes by and honks. Revfan9 takes pity on him and comes downstairs. He opens the front door, exits, and walks up to the man, who turns out to be Sir_Johnamus]
Revfan9: Hi. I've uh... [Sir_Johnamous faces him] I've been playing this for a while now, but I could do without it, so... I... I want you to take this. [Revfan9 hands him a PSP disc] It's Daxter. [He drops it into the tin can and backs up, smiling]
Sir_Johnamus: u got mor?
Revfan9: [Frowning] No, that... I thought that was a lot.
Sir_Johnamus: [He turns around and walks off a bit, asking no one in particular] got ne gamez?
Revfan9: [Irritated at the lack of gratitude] You're welcome. [He walks back into the house with his head down]
[The outside of Revfan9's house, the next morning. Revfan9 looks out the window again. More homeless people have arrived and are camped out in front of the house]
Revfan9: Well, crap. [The doorbell rings and Revfan9 looks through the small peephole in the front door. It's the rest of the gang. He opens the door and the three come in]
Pineconn: What are all these homeless people doing in front of your house?
Revfan9: I don't know.
Darth: There were a bunch outside my house too.
Revfan9: ...were?
Darth: Yeah, 'were'. [He looks to the camera and raises his eyebrows a couple of times before Pineconn hits him on the shoulder]
Pineconn: Stop playing to the audience.
Darth: Sorry. [One of the 'gamers' approaches the open front door]
Skyman25: u got gmes dude?
majoras_wrath: No! Go to hell! [He slams the door shut]
Pineconn: I don't get it. carrot red said as long as nobody gave them money, they'd move on.
Darth: Wait, carrot red's still alive?
Pineconn: I know! Weird, huh?
Darth: Damn, I thought she got hit by a bus or something. Still doesn't explain why there's so many gamers here now though...
Revfan9: Well, I... kind of gave a former 'gamer' my copy of Daxter last night.
Darth: [Furious] You WHAT?!? [He flings his arm out and Revfan9 flies into the wall]
Revfan9: [Grabbing at his throat] Oh c-come on, that can't be why they're all here. There has to be another reason!
majoras_wrath: Revfan, what the hell were you thinking?
Darth: [Releasing Revfan9] Yeah! I can't possibly jump that many lamer gamers! I could jump ten, maybe fifteen at a push, but asking me to jump this many is asking me to risk my life, Rev!
Revfan9: I don't want you to jump them, retard! [Darth extends his arm and Revfan9 flies into the wall again] Ack! Un-retard! Un-retard!
[Cut to another street in AGN. Breaker is walking down the street in a world of his own, not really paying attention, when suddenly a 'gamer' appears beside him]
bluedeath: can u spare me ne games?
Breaker: Huh? Oh, sorry, I don't have any on me.
DarkDeath: [Appears from a side alley a few seconds further down the road] do yoo got gamez?
Breaker: No, sorry. [DarkDeath follows him until he passes another former 'gamer']
Luigi: spare sum game?
rulehy: [Holds out his cup] gaame?
Breaker: Ah! I don't have any games! [More 'gamers' come out of the woodwork and crowd in on him]
dimepiece: got games?
Breaker: No!
zeldafan500: game?
beefster09: spar sum game?
Breaker: [Shielding himself with his arm] Leave me alone, I don't have any games!
beefster09: k. nvr mnd than.
Breaker: ...dammit, now I feel bad. [He goes back to beefster09] Here. [He tosses a DS cartridge into the cup] Ahh! [The other 'gamers' reach the other side of the street] Hahh! [He begins to run, but other 'gamers' appear, asking for games. Breaker moves past them] Nonono, that was really all the games I had.
beefster09: [Jumps into view again] u got game?
Breaker: What? I just gave you Tetris!
Fiyerstorm: game? [The 'gamers' crowd Breaker in and he can't escape. Their pleading takes on a chanting quality: 'game? game? gamez? spre sum game? plz! etc!']
Breaker: Aahhh! I don't have any more games! [He makes his way through the crown of 'gamers'] Noo!! I don't have any games!! I DON'T HAVE ANY GAAAMES!! [He disappears under the sea of former 'gamers']
[Cut to the AGN Cafe. War Lord, MottZilla, The Cyborg and Dechipher are present. War Lord is looking at a clipboard while the others are rearranging the cafe]
War Lord: Ok, that'll be great. Let's also make sure we have enough chairs placed out for everyone to attend.
Breaker: [From outside] Waaah! [He bangs on the doors] Awwww! [He enters, shuts the door behind him, and locks it] Stay away! [He implores and pounds on the door, a broken man] Stay awayhay!
Dechipher: Breaker? Jesus, what happened?
Breaker: Stay awa- ...I don't have any games! [He collapses on the floor against the door] I don't have any gaaaamesss!
[A splash screen comes up for News 5]
Announcer: This is a News 5 Special Bulletin, with newly-demoted anchorman Anthony.
Anthony: ...yeah. Thanks for that, ya bastard. Ahem. AGN has become overrun with the former patrons of the Forum Games area. [A shot of the 'gamers' crowd covering the General Games area, then another shot of them surrounding the Breaker-zord] Nearly every square inch of public property is now riddled with homeless, shutting down roadways and making getting around impossible. [An image of some nerds is displayed] (http://www.seoegghead.com/blog_pics/nerd.jpg) Many people are trapped throughout the town. [An aerial shot of the AGN Cafe. The building is surrounded by former 'gamers', with the five people formerly inside the Cafe now on the roof]
War Lord: Help! Help us!
[Revfan9's house, living room. The gang is watching the breaking news on TV]
Darth: Ah man, look at War Lord pleading for his life. He looks so pathetic...
Revfan9: Oh my God.
[Back to the TV]
[Anthony: In the meantime, AGN members are being advised to stay indoors and protect their games.
jessethe2nd: [Appears behind him in the newsroom] u gut sum free gmes?
Anthony: What the hell? You can't be in here.
jessethe2nd: ya got ne gams?
Anthony: No, I don't have any games. How did he get in here?
me2: gaaaaamez?
Anthony: No, please. I don't have any games. Honest I don't. I DON'T HAVE ANY! [A 'PLEASE STAND BY' screen pops up and the station goes off the air]
Darth: You see what you did, Rev?!
majoras_wrath: Come on, we have to try and help the mods. [The gang turn off the TV and head outside]
Pineconn: Oh Christ, they're everywhere!
Aide: [Pulls up in his car] What are you guys doing? Get in! [They do so]
Zelda_Warrior: [Knocks on his window] u got ane gamez?
Aide: [He throws up his arms and shakes his head vigorously] Ahhhh! [He settles down and starts driving] Come on, let's go! [The drive some distance down the street] What the hell were you doing outside?!
majoras_wrath: We were gonna try to help War Lord and the others at the Cafe.
Aide: Oh, there's no way you're gonna get to them! It's completely overrun with these... things. [A 'gamer' lands on the windshield]
The Group: Ahh! [The 'gamer' begins to wash the windshield]
Aide: No! I don't need my windshield cleaned! Stop it! Stop iiit! [He drives off at the first opportunity] Look, our only hope is to talk to carrot red over at MPQ World. She understands what's goin' on better than anybody. Just stick with me, guys. [They enter an intersection, but the aide doesn't notice the driver to his left, who's not paying attention to the road. They collide, with the aide dying on the spot]
The Gang: [Exiting the car uninjured] Aaahhh! [They move along the street, but notice the homeless everywhere. Another collision takes place a block away from them]
Revfan9: Holy crap! [Behind him, Darth is moving a manhole cover off to one side with the force, opening up a new means of escape]
Pineconn: Over here! [Revfan9 looks back. majoras_wrath and Pineconn drop down into the sewer and Revfan9 walks to the manhole] C'mon, drop down! Go! [Revfan9 drops down, and Darth follows, closing the manhole as he does so]
majoras_wrath: [Pinching his nose shut with his left hand as he fans the smell away with his right] Aw man, it stinks down here.
Pineconn: Come on, we gotta get to MPQ World and find carrot red. [Darth ignites his lightsaber and uses it as a glowstick as he takes the lead and moves forward. The others follow]
[AGN, street level. The 'gamers' have paralyzed the town as crashed cars are shown everywhere. The AGN Cafe's roof is shown, with Breaker looking out over the parking lot with binoculars. War Lord and MottZilla sit in chairs while The Cyborg and Dechipher keep watch over the other sides of the roof]
Breaker: [Lowering his binoculars] No sign of anybody else.
MottZilla: [Rising from his chair] Dammit, I can't take this any more. I'm gonna make a break for it.
Breaker: [Turns around to face him] Don't be crazy, Mott. You'll never get through all those lamer 'gamers'.
The Cyborg: And even if you did, what then? You can't drive anywhere.
MottZilla: If I can make it through them, maybe I can catch the bus to Zelda Classic. I have to try.
Breaker: You won't make it through, Mott! [MottZilla leaves quickly and heads downstairs. He leaves the Cafe, only to be hounded by 'gamers' begging for games]
MottZilla: [Making his way through] Ahh. Ahhhahhahahahh.
'Gamers': gamez? gmes? u got sum games?
MottZilla: Don't have any games... Don't have any games... Dammit! All right, you want games? Here! [He reaches into his pocket and tosses some GBA cartridges off to his left] There! There's some games. All right, a few more. [He reaches back into his pocket and tosses some more cartridges off to his right] There you go. Take the games. [He leaves, but stops himself] ...wait a minute. Now what am I gonna do to entertain myself? Hold on. Guys? Can I just get back one of those games, please?
Bender: games?
MottZilla: Can I have just a game for the bus, please? I need a little... anybody have any games? Games? Got any games? [Breaker follows MottZilla's progress through his binoculars] Games. Games? [Breaker lowers his binoculars in horror]
Dechipher: What happened?
Breaker: [Closes his eyes and sighs] He's one of 'them' now.
[AGN, night, under a full moon. All around town, the 'gamers' ask for their precious games. The guys are shown arriving at an office of some sort. They knock on the door and carrot red answers it]
carrot red: Go away, I don't have any games.
Darth: carrot red?
carrot red: ...oh, hey Darth.
Darth: Eh, we've been better. There's these lamer 'gamers' all over the place, and it's 'cause this guy [He points to Revfan9] gave 'em a copy of Daxter yesterday.
carrot red: Oh my God. Get in here! Tell me what's going on? [The guys enter and she shuts the door]
Pineconn: War Lord and a bunch of mods are trapped in the Cafe, surrounded by 'gamers'. We just can't get to them.
Darth: All right, all right, look! I didn't wanna risk it, but... I think I know what to do. I'll try to jump all those 'gamers' and get to the mods on that roof.
carrot red: Jump them?
Darth: Yeah, I jump the lamer 'gamers' on a skateboard. [As if by magic, he produces the skateboard. It has a black-and-white flaming skull on it, only it's not a skull - it's Max, of Sam and Max. It looks totally awesome] If you can get me close enough, I'll try to jump that 'gamer' crowd and save those mods.
Revfan9: Oh shut up, Darth. All you did was jump over one homeless guy.
Darth: The skateboard has, just as magically, disappeared] I easily could have cleared another ten or so.
Revfan9: You barely made it over one, you pansy!
Pineconn: Rev, enough! Darth jumping more 'gamers' isn't gonna solve anything right now!
Revfan9: God-dammit! I don't want him to jump over more a-
carrot red: Guys! Guys! I don't think you quite understand how the 'gamers' function. Perhaps you should come downstairs. To my labohratory. [Lightning and thunderclaps follows]
[Cut back to the roof of the AGN Cafe. War Lord is trying to call someone on his mobile, and the 'gamers' are now calling up to the roof]
Breaker: DAMMIT, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GAMES!! GO AWAY!!
Dechipher: Anything, War Lord?
War Lord: No. All the phone lines are completely down. [The stairwell door behind them rattles and they turn to face it in fear. Breaker steps toward it with his shotgun and cocks it. More knocking on the door]
Voice: [From inside the stairwell] Hello? It-it's SUCCESSOR from the old days. Pu-please let us in.
Breaker: Find another place to hide, SUCCESSOR!
SUCCESSOR: I-I have others with me. We... we've nowhere else to go. One woman here is pregnant.
The Cyborg: We can't just leave them out there.
SUCCESSOR: Let us in! For God's sake, they're coming! No! No, I'm sorry, we don't have any games!
War Lord: You have to let them in, Breaker.
Breaker: There isn't enough food for more people up here!
SUCCESSOR: Oh God. One of them is a Pong veteran. [More knocking] We're gonna have to give him some games.
Dechipher: Oh god, this is so messed up!
Breaker: All right, all right, fine! [He approaches slowly and opens the door. The refugees stream forth]
triforceholder: you got gamez?
Breaker: No, dammit! [He fires a shot into triforceholder, then slams the door shut]
[carrot red's lab, later. She's dissected the body of a dead homeless person]
carrot red: I've dissected several homeless to see what make them tick. Their anatomy is shockingly similar to ours. See? Everything is there: heart, lungs, kidneys, they're almost identical to us in every way. Except for one. [A 'gamer' man is chained to a wall by a chain around his neck. carrot red approaches him] The homeless... can survive solely... on games. [She pulls out an old Game Boy cartridge]
death2004: [Sticks out his cup and strains to get the cartridge] game?
carrot red: They feed on our games. They need it in order to keep them moving.
death2004: cn i have yr game?
carrot red: Somehow they're able to take... our games... and turn it into nourishment, sustenance.
death2004: plz giv me game!
carrot red: But now watch. [She drops the cartridge into the 'gamer's' cup and walks back to the guys. The 'gamer' rattles his cup a bit]
death2004: games plz?
carrot red: See? It's already completely forgotten that I've given it a game. It just wants... more. Look over here. [She heads to her left and the guys follow] This one I've kept deprived of games for over three days.
xXVolvagiaXx gaaaaaaamez?
Pineconn: What's it doing?
carrot red: It's dying.
Darth: Cool.
carrot red: I've learned that the nearby forum of Black Isle had a 'gamer' problem just before we did. And they were able to stop it.
MottZilla: [Finds carrot red's office and enters] Excuse me, the front door was open. Can I borrow a game? [Other 'gamers' follow him in]
carrot red: Oh my God, they're coming in! [She leads the guys to an escape hatch above some crates] Quick, get out of here! You can fit!
majoras_wrath: [Gives Pineconn a boost up] What about you?
carrot red: Get to Black Isle and find out how they got rid of the 'gamers'! I'll be all right!
MottZilla: Hello? [He comes down a spiral staircase] I-I'm sorry, I just really need a game to play on the bus.
WindStrike: gme?
ctorre:spre gmz?
MottZilla: Stop it! I really do need a game!
WindStrike: me 2. game?
MottZilla: [Outside the lab] Game? [He knocks on the lab door] Hello? Do you have any games?
ctorre: [Outside the lab] gme?
carrot red: Sorry guys, but I'm gonna take the easy way out. [She takes a gun to her right temple and cocks it. An exterior view of her office is shown and a gunshot heard. Back inside, she's still standing, in pain. The bullet went out the left temple, but didn't kill her] OW! OH, DAMMIT! OWW!! [Next she tries shooting through her jaw, and the bullet comes out through her right cheek] OHHH! AH! GOD! [She shoots through her jaw again, and the bullet goes out her right cheek again. This time she gargles and drops on all fours. She shoots through his right shoulder three times, but still lives. This time she takes the gun to his forehead and cocks the gun. The exterior view of his office is shown again and a gunshot is heard. Back inside, she's STILL alive. The bullet to the brain didn't kill her. This time she shoots at her heart twice, and that finally kills her. She writhes around for a few seconds and dies]
Darth Marsden
05-03-2007, 09:14 PM
...continued...
Breaker: [Rifling through a box] No. No, dammit! [He faces the group on the roof with him] That's it. That's it, everyone. We're out of Pop--Tarts.
The Cyborg: No. We can't be.
Breaker: Face it, we're gonna starve!
Dechipher: No, no wait, there's still a box over here.
Breaker: Yeah, but those are cherry! Ew!
SUCCESSOR: [His cell phone rings and he rises] Wait, I got a signal! I got a signal! [He dials a number]
War Lord: What? You do?
Dechipher: How? Call the fire department.
SUCCESSOR: I'm calling my girlfriend! [Waits for her to pick up] Hey! Hey, it's me baby. Are you all right?
War Lord: Oh, maybe we're gonna be Ok after all.
Breaker: Ask her what's happening.
SUCCESSOR: Hey, what's goin' on out there? Nobody's coming for us. They what? No! That's impossible. But how can that be? We didn't even- [The phone cuts out] Hello? Honey? [He tries to reconnect] Dammit!
The Cyborg: What happened?
SUCCESSOR: There's no help coming! She said... because of all the homeless... because of all the 'gamers' in AGN property values have plummeted. I had two liens against my house and the bank is foreclosing! I don't have a home anymore. [Breaker and the others are quiet for a moment, but Breaker knows what he must do. He pumps his shotgun and aims it at SUCCESSOR]
The Cyborg: Breaker, what are you doing?
Breaker: He's homeless now. We aren't safe.
SUCCESSOR: I'm not like them.
Breaker: Not yet. It's only a matter of time.
The Cyborg: [Desperately trying to dissuade Breaker] And what are you gonna do, huh? Just blow his head off?
Breaker: IF WE HAVE TO! Siddown!
SUCCESSOR: Breaker, you can't just-
Breaker: SIT... doowwwnnnn!
[Another shot of the homeless on the street, then cut back to a shot of the roof. SUCCESSOR is sitting under a blanket]
SUCCESSOR: This is crazy. How can they just take away my house? Where am I supposed to put all my things? I don't have a place for all my stuff; where am I supposed to put all my stuff? All I've got on me is my DS and one lousy game! That'll never last me... Can I borrow some- games to keep me going? Come on guys. If you all just help me out a little bit. Each one of you just lend me a... game? Game? [That's it. Breaker fires at him and blows the upper half of his head off. Breaker sighs heavily]
[A brilliant sunrise in the Rockies. Another shot reveals a ruined town and a half-destroyed sign - Black Isle. The four arrive and look at the destruction]
Darth: Jesus Christ, what the hell happened to this place? [Three men in camouflage appear and aim their shotguns at them]
Man: [Wearing a white and blue bandana around his neck] That's far enough! Just march your butts right back out of our town!
Darth: [Looking closely] ...Mr Wibble?
Mr Wibble: How'd you know that name?
Darth: It's me, Darth Marsden. I used to live here, remember?
Mr Wibble: ...Darth? [It clicks and he remembers] Oh my god, it is! By the jam in a damn good doughnut, it's been ages! How ya been?
Darth: Eh, not bad. But how about you? I heard Black Isle went downhill, but not this badly!
Mr Wibble: What? Oh, no. This wasn't... ha. C'mon in. Lemme explain. [The group moves to a clearing where the guys sit on a bench while the Mr Wibble serves himself some coffee while the other two men with him start explaining]
Man 1: Ok. Lemme explain. After you left, Black Isle really started going downhill. Y'know about that, right?
Darth: Just the basics. They cracked down on anything fun, right?
Man 2: Yeah, something like that. People started leaving for better places, and eventually this whole area got closed down. But then someone rebuilt it all, restored it to its former glory. Yeah, we never quite got back to the way things used to be, but we weren't far off.
Mr Wibble: It was during the early days when we started trying out having a gaming section. Y'know, like we had in the old days, with quests and everything.
Darth: [Smiling] Yeah, I remember your particular quest. Mad, we were. Absolutely mad.
Mr Wibble: Still are, if you ask me.
Man 2: Anyway. We tried it for a while, but then gave it up. Weren't enough people visiting the area, y'know?
Man 1: And that's when the 'gamers' first started appearing across the place. At first there were only a few of them, askin' for games, sleeping in the parks. But then more showed up, and we realized there was somethin' different about them. They fed off of our games to the point that they could actually start quoting code. We knew it wouldn't be long before the 'gamers' actually started making their own. And then we'd have no idea who needed games and who were making them! The people living in the house right next door to you could be making games and you wouldn't even know! [He moves to grab a cup of coffee. The other man takes up the story]
Man 2: Nobody could trust anybody! Fights broke out. War! [Revfan9 notices something on the ground] That's when I started suspecting that my own wife, [The something is a pamphlet that says 'GLORY FOR THE GAMELESS' on the front cover. Revfan9 picks it up] who I'd been living with for twenty years, was actually making games herself. So I had to burn her. In her bed while she slept. [Revfan9 reads the pamphlet] After she died I vowed I wouldn't let the homeless destroy our town! So we came up with a plan to get rid of them once and for all. [Revfan9 opens the pamphlet and is met with the words 'GLORY FOR THE GAMELESS. TRY AGN.']
Revfan9: You son of a bitch. [He gets off the bench and approaches Mr Wibble with the pamphlet] You didn't solve your 'gamer' problem, you just sent all your 'gamers' to AGN! [He opens the pamphlet to show him]
Mr Wibble:: ...yeah.
Darth: What? Peter, what the hell?
Revfan9: I knew it! It wasn't because I gave that guy my copy of Daxter! The 'gamers' all came from here!
Mr Wibble: And it was PCGamer who sent them to us! People in the US got rid of their 'gamers' by tellin' them what a great place Black Isle was!
Darth: You unbelievable bastard. I used to trust you. We hung out. We went to a Beer Festival in Germany, you motherless son of a whore!
Mr Wibble: I'm sorry Darth, it was the only thing we could think of!
Pineconn: [Getting off the bench as well] But then you didn't solve the problem, you just moved it!
Man 1: Right. But we survived.
Woman: [Pops up out of nowhere, almost a skeleton] Dehhhnyihhhs! [She's armed with a rifle and ready to shoot]
Dennis: [Obviously Man 2, he turns around. The other two men look as well] Christine?
Christine: You sonothatitch! You tried to kinn me!
Dennis: I had to Christine, you were making games.
Christine: No, I wasn't yeh stukid asshole!
Dennis: Christine, I can't understand you.
Christine: Yeah! Gecause you durned my yits oth!
Dennis: I nurned your rip sauce?
Christine: No! You durned my yits oth!
Dennis: I have no idea what you're saying! [Christine shoots him] Ow! [Dennis falls down, dead. Man 1 kills Christine, who fires one final shot and hits Mr Wibble. He kills the remaining man and collapses in Darth's arms]
Mr Wibble: Darth... I'm sorry... Please... forgive... me...
Darth: ...uh, no. You sent a bunch of lamer 'gamers' into my new home. That's pretty near impossible to forget, y'know.
Mr Wibble: ...yeah... I guess... just... tell me.... did... you ever... play... FEAR?
Darth: No, I never got round to it.
Mr Wibble: ...you ...really ...should... [Mr Wibble's eyes roll back and he dies in Darth's arms. He carefully lays the body down on the ground before stepping back and looking at the scene of destruction. Suddenly, he clicks his fingers] Lips!
majoras_wrath: Ohh... he burnt her LIPS off. Yeah, that makes sense.
Pineconn: Guys, can we focus? Our town is gonna end up just like this!
Revfan9: [Turns around] No it isn't. Come on, I have an idea.
Pineconn: No no no, we're not having Darth jump any more 'gamers', Rev!
Revfan9: THAT ISN'T MY IDEA! I saw a bus in a garage a couple of blocks back! We need to modify it!
majoras_wrath: What are you gonna do?
Revfan9: We're gonna save our mods before they all kill each other!
[B][Montage! The guys are all modifying a bus. Pineconn works on the front fenders. Darth works on brakes and accelerator. majoras_wrath works on tightening the barbed wire running along the roof's edge. Revfan9 works on putting up a shield in front of the bus with a screw gun. majoras_wrath moves to the transmission. Darth and Pineconn reinforce the sides of the bus. Revfan9 works on the PA system]
[Back to the AGN Cafe roof. The refugees sit around. A bus horn is heard and the refugees rouse themselves. Breaker looks out over the parking lot and sees the bus. The homeless clear a path for the bus]
Breaker: A bus! A bus is coming!
War Lord: [Seeing who's inside] It's Darth! He's modified a bus to get us out of here!
The Cyborg: I knew he'd come back for us!
Dechipher: All right!
Breaker: [Props up SUCCESSOR's corpse so it faces the bus] Look! We're saved. [The bus stops]
majoras_wrath: All right, I'm turning around.
The Cyborg: Why are they turning?
Breaker: [Drops the corpse] What are they doing?! [The bus turns so the front end now faces away from the community center. Breaker calls out] DON'T LEAVE US!
Pineconn: All right, hit it.
Darth: Let's hope to heaven this works. [Prepares to press the red button. Music begins to play]
Backup Singers: California Love [The 'gamers' grow quiet]
The Guys: California
Darth: Is nice to the gameless
Californiania
Supercool to the gameless
The Guys: In the city
Darth: City of Santa Monica
Lots of rich people
giving games to the gameless
PureZeldabud: [Holds up his tin can] game? [The mods on the roof still have no idea what's going on]
The Guys: In the city
Pineconn: City of Brentwood
They take really good care
of all their gameless
Darth: [To majoras_wrath] They're listening. Let's go! [A Destnation Marquee is shown. majoras_wrath flips switch C on and presses a green button. The marquee changes from Denver to California]
The Guys: In the city
Darth: Marina del Rey
They're so nice to the gameless
built a port about it
Dechipher: They're... they're leading them away!
The Cyborg: We're gonna be all right!
Breaker: [Props the corpse up once again] Oh SUCCESSOR! We made it!
Darth: California
Supercool to the gameless!
[A highway, day. The guys are leading the 'gamers' westward]
MottZilla: Game?
Darth: Californiania
Idn't on the tona
[Santa Monica Pier. The bus passes it going south - towards Venice Beach. The 'gamers' follow]
The Guys: In the city
[Venice Beach. The 'gamers' head right in and make themselves at home]
Darth: City of Venice
Right by Matt's house
You can chill if you're homeless.
[The music stops. We see various images of the 'gamers' relaxing along the beach, sitting in deckchairs, wandering the roads and getting hit by cars, that sort of thing. The images end on one of several 'gamers' asleep on the Strand, and we zoom out to reveal around 20 of them. Suddenly Darth sails over them, pulling a 360 Inward Heelflip, then a 540 FS Shove-It, Fingerflip Cannonball, Ollie North Back Foot Flip and, finally, a 360 Sal Flip before landing perfectly just beyond the last gamer. Darth jumps off the skateboard and pumps his fists in the air]
Darth: WOO YEAH!
[There's a whole group of people watching, and once again they all cheer when Darth finishes as he goes over to greet them. Among the crowd, Pineconn turns to Revfan9]
Pineconn: I really don't know what you see in this, man.
The_Amaster
05-03-2007, 09:36 PM
That...that has to be the funniest one yet. Wow. Very well done...a lot of violence. This still South Park? I'm assuming so, but you must have had to do a lot of adapting for this one.
Darth Marsden
05-04-2007, 04:40 AM
Replace the words 'homeless' with 'gamers' and 'change?' with 'games?' and you've pretty much got Night of the Living Homeless (http://www.southparkstuff.com/season_11/episode_1107/).
Pineconn
05-06-2007, 02:53 AM
Okay, that was funny. I like how you deminished some people down to gamers like that, who say "got gme?" Absolutely perfect.
More people respond!
Darth Marsden
05-06-2007, 04:47 AM
Ah, Pineconn. Wondered where you'd gotten to. Surprised you haven't picked up on the fact that you're pretty much one of the gang now, but meh. Also:
If anyone makes a story, put me in it! If it's not too much to ask, don't kill me (in the story).
Hope you're happy.
Majora
05-06-2007, 12:46 PM
WHATS WRONG WITH YOU! I WANTED A BIG PART! I WANTED TO BE THE HERO......
Kidding! I'm kidding! I'm not ungrateful. I'm very grateful.
You overlooked a few instances of the word "change".
I assume you really were a part of Black isle, and knew a guy named Mr. Wibbles.
BRILLIANT!
Darth Marsden
05-06-2007, 03:49 PM
It's just 'Mr Wibble', or Peter, and yeah, I do know him. Met him IRL at college, and he was the one who introduced me to the Black Isle forums. Back then it was a bit like this place, only not as cool ;) After I left collage, I kinda drifted away from the place and from Pete. When I finally caught him on MSN some months later, he explained that the place had passed on to greener pastures in a manner pretty much as I described. Still, life goes on.
If you want, I may be able to squeeze one more story in before I leave for America, but I'm gonna need you guys to let me know whether you want me to or not...
[/Barely hidden excuse to get more people to post]
EDIT: Ok, no more 'change'! Thanks for pointing out that I missed a few. Easily done, but very annoying.
Majora
05-06-2007, 04:45 PM
You should drop by Chicago someday. Best City on the planet.
If you can manage, one more story. God only know what shape you're in after 26+ hours of no sleep.
Darth Marsden
05-07-2007, 11:10 AM
Oh, I can manage fine. I just want more people to post here before I do so. If no-one does, I'll save it till I get back, but that'll be like a whole week. You don't want to wait a whole week for a new story, do you? Not when it's sitting on my hard-drive, just waiting for a few people to request it. 'cause that's where it'll be. Sitting in C:\HistoryZeroMission.txt, just waiting to go out. But until you tell me you want it, it's not going anywhere. It'll just sit there, gathering virtual dust.
Voice yourselves! Post now! Demand your parody! C'mon everyone, it'll take 2 minutes!
Prrkitty
05-07-2007, 02:57 PM
Darthy - don't put any stress on yourself before or during your trip. Our entertainment from your parodies can take 2nd chair for your wellbeing for your trip. <hug>
We'll be here waiting when you get back/have time/etc :)
Darth Marsden
05-07-2007, 03:17 PM
I finished it hours ago! It's sitting on my hard-drive, waiting for people to request it. One more person should do it, methinks.
If it'll tempt you, it features Zeldafan500, Lightningz AND Pineconn_lolz. Now that's gotta make you curious, right?
biggiy05
05-07-2007, 05:16 PM
You know you wanna post it...
/request
Prrkitty
05-07-2007, 05:28 PM
Just post it Darthy :) You know you wanna and you know WE want it :)
<hug>
Pineconn
05-07-2007, 05:30 PM
BTW, I did notice my "induction" into the gang. The only problem is that you live near the Prime Meridian, and I live below Lake Erie and the land of the maple leaf. (Besides the fact that you will be visiting the states...)
If it'll tempt you, it features Zeldafan500, Lightningz AND Pineconn_lolz.
That's enough for me. Do it! ;) ;) That is, whenever you have time.
Majora
05-07-2007, 05:31 PM
POST IT!
Do it for Prrkitty.....
Do it for the Mods who will refrain from banning you if you post it......
DO IT FOR ME OR ELSE I WILL MAIM YOU :tongue: .......
Long story short:
POST THE F***ING PARODY ALREADY!!!!
Darth Marsden
05-07-2007, 05:32 PM
It wasn't matter of me wanting it...
Episode VIII - History: Zero Mission
[The AGN Cafe, early morning. The building is filled with people dressing up in Confederate and Union period clothing, all getting ready for a Civil War re-enactment. The camera makes its way to the roof, where a group of people are testing some period weapons. Among the group are Darth and Pineconn, both dressed in Union clothing]
Darth: Y'know, this is my first civil war re-enactment.
Pineconn: [Cleaning out a weapon] Really? Huh. Mine too.
Darth: [Loading a musket with blanks] Wow. Aren't we a pair? [He raises the musket and fires it at a target. It smacks straight into the bullseye. Satisfied, Darth puts the weapon along with a group of others] What'dya think we're supposed to do?
Pineconn: [Finishes cleaning the weapon and hands it to Darth before taking another one and starting on that] I think we run out there, get shot by blanks and then fall on the ground.
Darth: ...yeah, 'cause that's WAY more fun then watching old Doctor Who reruns.
Pineconn: You really have no social life, do you?
Darth: [Again with the firing of the weapon] Shucks, you noticed. [Straight into the bullseye again. This time a yelp of pain is heard when the blank hits] Dammit Lightningz, shut up and take it like a man!
Lightningz: [Turning round to reveal the target is painted onto his back] you suck. im gonna mak u pay fr ths.
Darth: See, I'd be more inclined to believe you if you hadn't said the exact same thing last time. Now turn back round and suck it up, maggot. [He fires another test shot at Lightningz, who flinches, but manages to remain silent. In between shots, he gets out his PDA and starts furiously typing into it]
[Cut to Pineconn_lolz and Zeldafan500, who are inside the Cafe. Zeldafan500 is busy adjusting his Union outfit when he hears a slight 'ding' sound. Realizing it's his PDA, he grabs it and reads the message that Lightningz has sent him. He whipsers something to Pineconn_lolz, and they make their way to the roof, where they approach Darth and Pineconn]
Pineconn_lolz: Hey guys. You having fun torturing Lightningz over there?
Darth: Eh, it's not bad. [He fires another shot, Lightningz yelps in pain] Whadya want?
Zeldafan500: we wnt to mke bet.
Pineconn: ...what?
Pineconn_lolz: [Hitting Zeldafan500] Dammit, I thought we agreed I'd do the talking.
Zeldafan500: sry
Pineconn_lolz: Allow me to translate. See, we know you guys are kinda bored, so we wanted to make you a wager.
Darth: [Putting the gun down] Wagers with wankers, eh? Normally I'd slice you on the spot, but my mind is so numb that I can't be arsed. What's the deal?
Pineconn_lolz: No big deal. We just wanna know if you can make the Confederates win this year's re-enactment.
Darth: Please. Give me a challenge.
Pineconn: Uh Darth, I don't think that's a particularly good idea.
Darth: C'mon, at least hear them out before we utterly ridicule them.
Pineconn: ...whatever. [He resumes his weapon cleaning ritual]
Pineconn_lolz: Cool. So you want a challenge? How about this. If you can get the Confederates to win the war this year, me and Zeldafan500 will be your slaves for a month. Y'know, since that's what this war was all about.
Darth: ...interesting. And if, god forbid, I should lose?
Pineconn_lolz: Then you're OUR slave.
Darth: ...again, interesting. Let me think about that and get back to you.
Pineconn_lolz: Mmmkay. Don't leave it too long though, the re-enactment starts at 14:00.
[Pineconn_lolz and Zeldafan500 head for the stairs and go back into the main Cafe as Darth looks to the nearby field where the re-enactment is to take place. Several stadium-style stands have been erected and are visible in the distance. Darth raises his hand to his bearded chin in thought as he contemplates the offer]
[Cut to inside the AGN cafe, an hour or so later. A banner is stretched across the roof and reads 'Welcome Re-enacters'. The crowd is chattering away as War Lord, dressed in a grey Confederate outfit, approaches the microphone in the corner of the Cafe]
War Lord: Ok, guys? Listen up. We just have a few things to go over before we head out to the re-enactment battlefield. [The other members of AGN are dressed in the Blue and the Grey] First of all, I have great news. There are over 2,000 folks from all over the place that have come to see this year's re-enactment, and that's the best turnout ever!
Crowd: [Jumping and cheering] Yes! Woohoo! Yeah! Etc!
Pineconn: Where the hell is Darth? Dammit, we were supposed to help each other out with this!
War Lord: I'm also very proud to announce that this year's alcohol sponsor, Jagermin's S'more-flavored Schnapps, the schnapps with the delightful taste of s'mores.
Crowd: Whoa. Mmm.
Breaker: Mmm. It does taste like s'mores.
moocow: [Coughs] Yeah, and it's got quite a kick, too. Woah...
War Lord: And now, to clarify how the re-enactment should unfold, let's bring up our master historian, PrrKitty! [PrrKitty sidles up to the microphone amid applause] The only one of us old enough to have actually seen the Civil War… re-enactment of 20-odd years ago.
Pineconn: [Checking his watch] Dammit Darth!
Darth: [Arrives dressed in the Grey uniform of one General Lee] Good morning, my good sir.
Pineconn: Darth, you're... Oh Jesus, you're going in for that stupid bet, aren't you?
Darth: What? No! It's just that this year, I've decided to fight for the glorious South. And may I say that we're going to whup your skinny white ass this time around.
Pineconn: Darth, this is insane.
Darth: This is... no, I'm sorry. Pineconn_lolz was right - that really has run its course.
PrrKitty: Ok, you all know the rules. You must fire your blanks into the air, and if someone says they killed you, you gotta play dead, Ok? :)
Pineconn: But the south lose this battle, Darth. They lose the war!
Darth: Not this year, my friend... not this year.
War Lord: [Taking back the microphone] Now remember, everybody: for a good re-enactment we've got to pretend down to the last detail that we're really in the Civil War. So when the North wins, all of us on the Confederate side should act all bummed and depressed. And with that, let's all go to the re-enactment camp and put on a good show!
Crowd: [Jumping and cheering] Yes! Woohoo! Yeah! Etc!
[The re-enactment camp, 9:00 A.M. The Re-enactment. Bleachers flank PrrKitty on either side as the North and the South face off before her. Each side has set up its camp]
War Lord: [Through a megaphone] Welcome to the AGN re-enactment of the Battle of Tamarack Hill. The men in gray are the Confederacy, from the South, while in blue are the Union, from the North. [Pineconn is on the front line, searching for Darth, who is nowhere to be seen, while Pineconn_lolz and Zeldafan500 are visible in the line-up behind him. War Lord hands over the megaphone to PrrKitty]
PrrKitty: [Addressing the spectators] It was a cold morning in 1862. The Union Army had to get the bell of Appmattox down from Tamarack Hill. What ensued was a bloody battle, but after many hours, the Union Army prevailed. Here now is the reenactment of that great battle. [She blows a whistle]
War Lord: [Leading the South] Forward! [The South advances]
Breaker: [Leading the North] Let's bring those Confederate bastards down! [The North advances, Pineconn with them as he still frantically searches for Darth]
War Lord: Fire! [Some guns go off]
Confederates: Yeah!
Breaker: Alright men, fire! [Some more guns go off]
Unions: Yeah! [The battle is joined, and men left and right begin to drop away. Others scream]
Breaker: Hey, uh, I shot you, Mott. You have to fall down.
MottZilla: Ah, dammit.
War Lord: Yeh-hah! [The battle continues]
Man 1: Oh, so this is what it was like. [The battle continues, but now it's hand-to-hand combat. Darth darts out from behind a bush, reaches the bell and starts to push it down the hill]
Man 2: Hey! What's that guy doing?!
Darth: Ha! Long live the Confederacy!
Soldiers: [On both sides] Huh? Wha-?
PrrKitty: What the hell?
Breaker: He took the bell!
ShadowTiger: He can't do that!
PrrKitty: [Shouting to Darth] The Confederacy doesn't take the bell, dammit!
Darth: [Skating by on the bell, grinning like the 9th Doctor] Hooray for the South!
Pineconn: Dammit Darth, that's not gonna change anything!
PrrKitty: Well, great. Now we're gonna have to start over!
[10:24 A.M, re-enactment - second attempt. Inside the Confederacy camp, War Lord is talking to everyone]
War Lord: Ok. [Darth walks up] We're going to do the entire re-enactment again, because of some confusion over the bell. Now, I know you're just trying to help Darth, but we have to let the Union capture the bell this time.
Darth: But why? Why should they get the bell?
War Lord: Wuh. Well, 'cause we're supposed to lose.
Darth: [Waving his hand across the group] But we don't have to lose.
War Lord: We... what?
Darth: [Assuming command of the group] Gentlemen, we can win this battle! [Paces] Sure, we could lose, and tonight we can go back to our families and say 'We did it! We lost like we were supposed to! Aren't we proud?!' Or, we take that hill. We take that hill, and when we stand tall upon it, we hold our heads high, and we yell 'Not this year! This year belongs to the Confederasah!' [Some of the men drink schnapps]
War Lord: ...I dunno...
Darth: [Again with the hand] ...have another swig. It'll all become clear.
War Lord: [Takes a swig] By God, he's right!
majoras_wrath: War Lord!
War Lord: Yeah, I've been re-enacting this war for 7 years now. And for 7 years us Confederate re-enacters have had to spend the evening being ridiculed and made fun of by the Union re-enacters! Well, I'm sick of it!
majoras_wrath: [Taking a swig] Yeah! Why do we have to be their bitches every year?!
Amaster42: I'm tired of losing this battle!
War lord: And I say it's high time we kicked some ass! Who's with me?!
Crowd: Yeah!
Revfan9: Yeah! [He drops down, drunk. Darth grins sinisterly]
[Back to the battlefield]
PrrKitty: Alright, folks. Sorry for the false start. We're ready to go again. Uh, where was I? Oh yeah :) It was a cold morning in 1862. The Union Army had to- [She turns at the sound of a gun shot and looks on as the Confederates charge down the field]
ShadowTiger: Yaaaaah!
moocow: Come on! Just give up! We're not gonna let you live another day!
Breaker: Uh, what the hell are they doing?
majoras_wrath: [Drunk and hypnotized] You Yankee sons of bitches!
Pineconn: [A Confederate shoots him in the stomach] Ah, Christ! That really hurt!
PrrKitty: What... what the hell are they doing?!
Zeldafan500: wut we do?
Pineconn_lolz: Run for your life! [The pair run off. Darth watches from the top of the hill as the battle rages on]
Darth: God bless those men that fight for their freedom. God bless those men! And God bless the Confederasah!
Breaker: [Tackled by War Lord] What the hell?
War Lord: [Pinning Breaker to the ground] Surrender your men, general!
Breaker: War Lord, have you lost your mind?!
War Lord: SURRENDER YOUR MEN, GENERAL!
Breaker: Alright, alright! We surrender! [The Union soldiers drop their guns and raise their arms. Pineconn_lolz and Zeldafan500 walk out from behind a tree with their hands up]
Man from Stands: ...the South win?
War Lord: The South wins!
Confederates: Yay! Woohoo! Yeah! Etc!
PrrKitty: Ah, that's so not good... :(
[The AGN Cafe, 3:45 p.m. Re-enactment after party. The men are all in conversation]
War Lord: [Walks up to Breaker] Well, we can all be friends again now, right? [Nudges Breaker] Come on. Have some s'more schnapps. [He hands Breaker a bottle]
Breaker: Dammit, I can't be happy. You ruined the reenactment!
War Lord: Aw, come on. Relax a little, huh? Try the drink already. [Breaker does so]
Darth: [Walks up to Pineconn_lolz and Zeldafan500] So, you guys about ready to start being my slaves yet?
Zeldafan500: u unfir!
Pineconn_lolz: Yeah, but it doesn't matter, because the bet was that the South doesn't win the war! And the South still didn't win the war!
Darth: Ok, seriously, that's just a technicality and you guys know it.
Pineconn_lolz: Yeah, well it's a technicality that prevents us from having to do your crap for a month, so we're sticking to it.
Darth: [Takes a long breath] I hate you guys so much. So very, very much. And this is not over. Not by a long shot. [The men are getting more drunk]
Breaker: [Talking to ShadowTiger with slurred speech] All I'm saying is that… is is that the Confederates would have just gotten their asses kicked in Topeka!
ShadowTiger: That ain't true! The Confederates would have shupped ass in Topeka, too!
moocow: Yeah.
Breaker: You're dreaming!
Darth: [Walks up to War Lord] Perhaps we should take Topeka.
War Lord: Huh?
Darth: [He waves his hand again] They mock us in Kansas, soldier. They think the South is a joke. They don't respect our authoritah.
War Lord: They don't?
Darth: [Again with the hand] No. I say we take Topeka.
War Lord: ...yeah... [To the crowd] You know what? I'll bet we could take Topeka right now and clear them all around!
Breaker: Huh?
Revfan9: That's right! Maybe we should do what the Confederates would've done and march on to Topeka!
majoras_wrath: I'll bet we could!
War Lord: I'll bet we could, too! [He pounds on the podium]
PrrKitty: [Darth makes a slight gesture with his hand and suddenly PrrKitty stands] I'll bet you can't!
War Lord: [Jumps back] What?! [Walks and stands in front of the podium] Is that a challenge?! I'll bet we can!
Dechipher: [Darth does another slight gesture of the hand and Dechipher suddenly chirps in] I'll bet you can't, because you guys are all pussies!
War Lord: Pussies?! Oh yeah? Men! It's time to show the world what the Confederate Army has got! We're gonna take Topeka once and for all!
Warlock: Yeah.
MrCow: Yeah.
War Lord: [Walks to the Union soldiers] All o' you men. You may have lost in the Union today, but join us now and win back your pride!
Monica: Yeah.
fattonez: Yeah.
Breaker: Well, the Union be damned!
War Lord: Let's go!
Darth: [Trailing behind, he stops besides Pineconn_lolz and Zeldafan500] Oh! What was our bet again? Let's see… Yes, I remember. If the South wins you have to be my slaves for a month.
Pineconn_lolz: They're just drunk! As soon as they sober up, they'll stop!
Darth: Yes... E-e-enjoy your freedon, gentlemen. Soon, you will be my propertah. Come on, Pineconn. Come fight for us, and I'll make sure you get lots of plunder and women.
Pineconn: ...seriously?
Darth: Seriouslah.
Pineconn: Sweet as! [He exits with Darth as the group charge out of the cafe growling]
[Topeka, Kansas, 7:53 A.M the next morning. A rooster crows. The town goes about its business. A mailman delivers some mail. A woman opens the school door. A traffic cop directs traffic. Two kids play catch in front of the school. The woman returns with the flag and hoists it up on the flagpole, and the mailman drops by]
Mailman: Oh good morning, Mrs. Hollis.
Mrs. Hollis: Hello, Ralph.
Ralph: Did you happen to catch that ball game last night?
Mrs. Hollis: I'm afraid I was grading papers pretty late and- [They both turn in the direction of a rumble. Everyone else stops and looks in the same direction]
Driver: What's that noise, officer? [The officer looks, and the AGN folk rise over a hill and charge towards town]
AGNers: Yeah! Yeah!
War Lord: Ccchhhhaaaarrrrggggeeee!
Officer: [Soothing his shot ass] Ow!
[I[Revfan9: Freeze! These are blanks, but they still hurt like hell! [B][The church bell rings. War Lord is pulling at the rope]
War Lord: It's ours, it's ours! We've taken Topeka!
AGNers: Yeah!
Breaker: [Still holding Ralph] Alright Yank, tell us where you keep your Jagermin's S'more-flavored Schnapps?!
Ralph: Uh-uh-uh schnapps? Uhm, uh-uh-I guess that would be at the liquor store.
Breaker: WHERE?!
Ralph: At the liquor store, at the liquor stohohohohore!
Breaker: [Dropping Ralph] Come on, guys! [They all rush the store]
Mrs. Hollis: [Looking on] This is the most bizarre thing I've ever seen.
Darth: [Walks by] Excuse me.
[AGN Cafe. Pineconn_lolz and Zeldafan500 are sitting in the empty building, drinking Coke and reading the newspaper. The headline reads 'Topeka Taken!']
Pineconn_lolz: Ah man, this is so not good.
Zeldafan500: yah ths suks.
Pineconn_lolz: I had no odea Darth would take it this far! What the hell was Lightningz thinking?
Zeldafan500: i duno.
Pineconn_lolz: Ah, you don't know anything. [As he say this, majoras_wrath walks into the cafe]
majoras_wrath: Ah, found you. [He salutes to the pair. This is probably the only time anybody will do this to either of them] Confederate Messenger Majora reporting, sir. I have a message for you from the battlefield. [He offers them an envelope]
Pineconn_lolz: What, Topeka?
majoras_wrath: Yeah. We're raisin' all kids of hell. [He hands the message to Pineconn_lolz] It's quite probably the most fun I've had since... well, since the last adventure we had.
[Pineconn_lolz opens and reads the message. A sepia image of Darth in his General Lee outfit appears and he narrates the letter. As this happens, majoras_wrath slips back out of the Cafe, presumably to return to the battlefield]
Darth: Dear assholes. Words cannot express how much I hate you guys. As we fight our way northward into the great unknown, only that one thing remains certain: that I hate you guys with every tired muscle in my Confederate body. We have taken Topeka, and now I must lolly the men over to Missouri. Because I will not stop until we have won it all, and you guys are my slaves. Because, I hate you guys. I hate you guys so very very much. Yours, General Darth Lee.
Pineconn_lolz: [Crumples the message into a ball and throws it away] That miserable piece of crap! There is no way I'm gonna be his slave. No freakin' way.
Zeldafan500: wat u do?
Pineconn_lolz: We're gonna find Lightningz, and then we're gonna end this. Majora, where are they now? [He turns round to find majoras_wrath gone] Oh, god dammit!
[News time! Take it away, Anthony...]
Anthony: [An image of Paris Hilton is shown in the top-right of the screen] ...forced to live off her own feces for several days. In national news [The group's entry into Topeka is shown in the top-right] a frightening radical group known as AGN is making its way across the Southern states of Aemrica. [The guy throwing the Molotov cocktail is shown] The group is recruiting new members in every town they pass through, and rapidly growing in number, [One last attack is shown] so authorities have decided to call in the National Guard. The group seems to be led by War Lord, [Shown posing with a microphone, holding it in the style of a gun] widely recognised as one of the greatest rappers who ever lived, and who therefore is quite possibly the most dangerous man alive today.
[Cut to a hill. As the camera pulls up, we see that it's in flames. This is Chattanooga, Tennessee, 2:35 P.M. Lightningz, Pineconn_lolz and Zeldafan500 approach the city and look over it from the hill]
Pineconn_lolz: Man, I bet Darth is having a blast.
Lightningz: ths not cool. cum, we stp it.
[They move towards the town. Cut to a street, where some pillaging is going on in the background while two guys are hiding behind a car]
Man 1: They say you can either fight them or join them.
Man 2: Well, I'm joining them. Those blanks hurt!
Pineconn_lolz: [Now in town, he approaches the pillagers] Guys, come on! [War Lord runs into shot] War Lord, c'mon! This isn't like you.
War Lord: Not now, uh lolz, I'm pillaging. [A hot woman runs by] C'mere, you! [He runs after her]
Pineconn_lolz: [Moving on and seeing Breaker] You've got to stop this! If the South wins, me and Zeldafan have to be Darth's slaves!
Breaker: This is a reenactment, man. My name is Pvt. John Fugasol, and I have to do what my general tells me!
Darth: Yo! More schnapps over here!
Breaker: ooo, more schnapps! [He moves towards it as another group of men arrive in town. Pineconn_lolz and Co. TM approach them]
Sgt. Larsen: I'm Sgt. Larsen of the National Guard. We're here to stop the terrorists.
Pineconn_lolz: They're not terrorists, they're just a bunch of drunk assholes from the internet.
Sgt. Larsen: ...huh. Well, we can't just shoot 'em; there's innocents and children about. Dawkins!
Dawkins: Sir!
Larsen: Fire a warning flare!
Dawkins: Yes sir! [He launches the flare. It goes up in the air, flies back down and lands right in front of Darth. He looks up at the group, smiles, pulls an M79 out and fires it in a similar pattern]
Sgt. Larsen: GRENADE! [The group scatters as the sponge grenade lands harmfully where they used to stand. As they gather round the harmless round, Darth shouts over to them]
Darth: Not very fitting I know, but then I don't suppose the real Confederates fired blanks. You can consider that your first and only warning!
Sgt. Larsen: Jesus, they're crazy! We'll never stop them!
Pineconn_lolz: Wait! I've got an idea. But we'll have to wait until dark...
Darth Marsden
05-07-2007, 05:36 PM
...continued...
[The Confederate camp, night. The men relax and talk. Pineconn_lolz, Lightningz, Zeldafan500 and Sgt. Larsen sneak in]
Pineconn_lolz: There, you see? We take the s'more schnapps, and by morning they're all gonna sober up and wanna go home.
Lightningz: nice. u smrt.
Sgt Larsen: Alright, let's go. [They proceed to carry the schnapps away]
Pineconn: [Entering Darth's tent] Where to next, 'General'?
Darth: [Looking over a map of the area] I dunno... where did the Confederates go?
Pineconn: [Moving over and looking at the map] Well, I guess Fort Sumter in South Carolina. [He points to it] That's where the Civil War really escalated.
Darth: Ah, well then. To Fort Sumter we shall go.
Pineconn: Look, are you really gonna go through with this?
Darth: Damn straight I am.
War Lord: [Poking his head through the tend door] Hey General, I'm gonna get some s'more schnapps. You want anything?
Darth: Yeah, can I get a glass of root beer, just ever so slightly chilled? Thanks.
War Lord: Uh, sure. [He exits to get some schnapps. He lifts a case and removes the lid, but finds the case empty. He takes a second case and again finds it empty] What the-? Ey, where's the s'more schnapps?
Breaker: We're out of s'more schnapps?
moocow: [Checks her empty bottle] That can't be.
War Lord: I guess we drank it all.
Sgt. Dawkins: [On the outskirts of the camp] Now what?
Pineconn_lolz: Now we just wait until morning. Check-mate, Darth. Pretty soon, you're gonna be our slave.
Zeldafan500: yeh.
[The Confederate camp, 7:29 A.M., next morning, 7 hours without schnapps]
PrrKitty: Uugh.
Dechipher: Ouch.
Breaker: [Exiting his tent] Oh, my head.
MottZilla: Where am I?
War Lord: [Sitting next to ShadowTiger on a bench] Tigger, I think I can say without any doubt that that was the longest drinking binge we've ever been on.
ShadowTiger: Mmm-oh. Gmm-oh, my head.
Warlock: [Rises in his sleeping bag behind Lilith] Ah man, I'm supposed to be at work today.
Lilith: Me, too.
War Lord: [Standing] Well, come on everybody. We've got to get to the nearest bus station, quick.
Darth: [At his tent entrance] Wha... where are you going?
War Lord: We're goin' home. Come on. [Walks off]
Darth: We can't go home, we have to take Fort Sumter! [Breaker stops by him]
Breaker: Uh, the only thing we have to do is get home before our partners leave us.
Darth: [Watching the sober AGNers walk away] No! What about the Confederasah?! What about freedom?!
Pinceonn_lolz: [Rushes up behind Darth] Haha! You lose, jerkoff!
Darth: What? Oh, you bastards! You cheating, lying, backstabbing bastards!
Pineconn_lolz: Yeah, but you know? I think you've learned something today. You've learned that you can't rewrite history. [Darth looks away from Pineconn_lolz] You see, history is forever, [...and notices an empty schnapps case] and everything happens for a reason. [Darth turns round and pulls out his mobile] Sure, you can try and change the past, but usually you kno-
Lightningz: wait, wot u do?
Darth: [Dialing] Oh, this isn't over. Oh no, not by a long shot. [Pineconn_lolz and Lightningz just look at each other as Darth walks away from them]
[Cut to the AGNers, walking the long way home. They're currently in a meadow]
Breaker: Ogh. I don't believe we came all the way out here.
War Lord: Yeah? Well, I don't think the bus station is too far from here.
ShadowTiger: Uh, how much do you think a bus ticket back home is gonna run? [Suddenly two schnapps trucks pull up and the drivers drop down. They head to the rears of the trucks and start unloading case after case of Jagermin's]
Suzette: Allo, I am Suzette, the S'more Schnapps girl. [Darth gets out of the truck and walks up behind her] We are pleased to sponsor you with all the S'more Schnapps you need.
War Lord: Awgh, I can't drink anymore of that stuff.
Breaker: Me neither.
Darth: Ah, come on, guys. Just one little drink. Uh, a toast to how far you came and all that you saw.
MottZilla: Nah, I really couldn't- [Darth suddenly does a slight hand gesture again and Suzette suddenly stiffens]
Suzette: You can do shots out of my breasts. [She pours two bottles into her cleavage]
War Lord: Well... I suppose one drink wouldn't hurt...
[Before you can say 'I know where this is leading...', it's already there. The group is drunk once more and having a good time]
Breaker: Hey, look! MottZisses's doin' his trick again! [MottZilla tumbles by wearing a fancy lampshade over his head]
VEL: Hey, guys. Let's all play a game of 'grab ass'!
ShadowTiger: What's 'grab ass'?
VEL: You know. We just run around in circles and try to grab each other's asses.
Breaker: Ey, that sounds fun. [He grabs VEL's ass]
VEL: Wah! [The guys laugh and chase each other around trying to grab asses here and there]
Darth: [Intervening] Gentlemen! I hate to break up the party [He waves his hand across the group] but I believe we have a fort to take.
War Lord: You heard the General!
AGNers: Yeah! [They all charge out. Empty schnapps cases litter the field]
Pineconn_lolz: [Reaching the scene too late] Oh no!
Lightningz: well nevr stp tham nw...
[Cut to a map of the South of America, much like in Indiana Jones. Chattanooga, Tennessee, is struck, then Atlanta, Georgia; then eastern and southeastern Alabama, then Orlando, Florida. Cut to a shot of the group on a huge log ride. Everyone screams as they go over a fall. Quickly cut back to the map, where the red line continues to Southeast Georgia, and finally hits Darling County, South Carolina]
[Cut to Fort Sumter, day. A tour is taking place]
Guide: Throughout 1861 the Confederate authorities tried to drive out the Union occupants of Fort Sumter peacefully. But Abraham Lincoln's administration would not surrender the fort to the Confederates, so Jefferson Davis decided to take action.
Tourist: And the Confederates won the fort?
Guide: Yes. [He turns and leads the group to the gates] Imagine what it must have been like: you're a Union soldier stationed at this fort, and one day, you look out and see thousands of Confederates ready to pounce on you. [The group stares in awe at the thousands of Confederates just outside the gate. The guide turns to see] ...ah.
Darth: Take the fort!
War Lord: Charge!
AGNers: Yeah! [They charge forth and enter the fort]
War Lord: [Climbing onto the rampard with Darth, Breaker and MottZilla] We got it! The fort is ours! [Suddenly a cannon blast sends Breaker flying backwards from the rampard. He lands painfully on his back inside the fort]
MottZilla: What the hell was that? [They look out. The National Guard has caught up with the Confederates and now surrounds the fort]
Sgt. Larsen: [Through a megaphone] Attention political activists: you are on government historical document property! Surrender the document with your hands up! If you would like a tour of the fort, one can be arranged through the South Carolina Chamber of Commerce.
Pineconn_lolz: [Takes the megaphone] Give up, asshole! There's over a hundred National Guards down here.
Darth: [Bearly audible] Scre you, cocksucker!
War Lord: What do we do, General? We're outnumbered.
Darth: Trust me, Ok? Re-enforcements are bound to show up.
Sgt. Larsen: Alright, that does it. Blow the whole thing up.
Pineconn_lolz: No, you can't do that!
Sgt. Larsen: Sorry, son. We tried it your way; now we do it our way. Prepare the mortar.
Elderly Voice: Hold it right there! [The camera zooms out to show the rowdy re-enforcements converge on the National Guard and Pineconn_lolz's group]
War Lord: Wow, look at that! looks like the entire Zelda Classic crowd showed up! [The other AGNers grin with joy]
Darth: Ha! I knew those subliminal ads would do the trick!
Zelda Classic leader: [Saluting] We're ready to fight with ya. Long live the Confederacy!
AGNers and ZCers: Yeah!
Darth: Now our numbers are truly great. It is time. It is time to march to Washington D.C.!
[Washington D.C., 7:45 A.M., next day. The group has entered the city and are protesting outside the white house. The Million Confederate March?]
War Lord: Hey, government! You can't ignore our anguished cries anymore! You hear that?! You Government?! [The President looks out the window with an adviser and the Vice President]
Vice President: Oh boy, this doesn't look good. [The three men turn away from the window]
Advisor: It's just like the Million Man March, except that there actually are a million people.
Aide: [Entering the room] Mr. President! A message for you from the extremists! [He hands it to the Prisident, who reads it. Again, Darth appears in sepia and narrates the message]
Darth: Dear Mr. President. There are times when humans can no longer endure their government's authoritah. You must declare the Confederacah its own nation so that we may enter into a new millennium of prosperitah. If you do not meet our demands, we will be forced to show the videotapes we have of you with Paris Hilton.
President: Oh, dear God! Wuh-we have to meet their demands.
Advisor: What?? Sir, there's- there's not that many of them.
Vice President: As Vice-Persident, I think we'd better give them what they want. It's just the Southern states; who really needs them?
President: My hands are tied. Tell General Lee that I'll meet him in front of the Capitol.
Aide: [Salutes] Sir! [Leaves]
Vice President: I'm so glad I don't have your job.
[Back outside, the crowd are all yelling. Pineconn_lolz, Zeldafan500 and Lightningz are near the front]
Pineconn_lolz: Well, dammit. Now what the hell can we do?
Zeldafan500: giv up?
Pineconn_lolz: No! There's gotta be something... Wait a minute! They're all still doing a re-enactment, right? What just need to play into that. Come on, guys. We need to get some new threads! [He leads the others away]
[Outside the Capitol, later. The President is at a table which has been set up with the Vice President beisde him and others around to make sure nobody tries anything]
President: All right, I'm gonna sign the document declarin' the Confederacy winners of the Civil War.
Confederates: Hooray!
Pineconn: [To Darth] Good thing you have that videotape of him and Paris Hilton.
Darth: I don't - I'm bluffing.
Pineconn: Seriously?
Darth: Yeah. But think about it - Paris Hilton would do it with anything that moves, right?
Pineconn: Yeah, good point. [As he says this, Lightningz and Zeldafan500 approach the President. They're dressed as Abraham Lincoln and Jefferson Davis, respectively]
War Lord: Hey! Who's that?!
Lightningz: Hello. I'm Abraham Lincoln, President of the United States.
Zeldafan500: Yes, and I'm Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederacy.
President: Ah man, that does it. No more crack for me!
Darth: Jesus, how the hell did they learn how to spell?
War Lord: Ey, General, he's reenacting Jefferson Davis! You can't talk that way to a superior officer!
Zeldafan500: Men, I want you all to know that as President of the Confederacy, I am hereby surrendering.
Darth: WHAT?
Lightningz: Well, as Abraham Lincoln, I accept your surrender, and agree to your conditions. [He quickly checks his PDA] You and all the Confederates will have all the S'more Schnapps you can drink for a year.
Confederates: Wow!
Breaker: A whole year?
War Lord: All right! Well, I think we got what we wanted.
President: Wait, that's it? I-I don't have to sign this thing? [Lightningz and Zeldafan500 turn to each other and shake hands]
moocow: Hey, come on. We should take a tour of the Smithsonian before we head back.
Darth: No! We still have to fight!
War Lord: [Stops and looks at Darth] Lincoln and Davis signed the treaty, General. The war is over.
Darth: No. No! [Drops to his knees] CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!*
Pineconn_lolz: [Walks over with the other two] It's over, Darth. You lost!
zeldafan500: yeh, now u tak that berd off. [He grabs Darth's beard and yanks it off. A chunk of hair comes out and Darth instantly puts his hand over the affected area]
Darth: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- [The camera zooms out for a view of the city, then the planet, then the Milky Way, then Tatooine, where someone looks up at the sound, showing the two suns] -AAAH! [He moves over and punches Zeldafan500, who goes flying out of shot]
President: [Walks up and places his hand on Pineconn_lolz's shoulder Boys, as President of the United States, I want to commend you for stopping the rebel uprising.
Pineconn_lolz: Don't touch me. [The President takes his hand off Pineconn_lolz's shoulder, looking a tad embarrased] Well Darth, the South lost! That mean you're our slave for a month!
Darth: Dammit... and I was so close...
Lightningz: ok. frst, i wnt u to-
Darth: [Suddenly realizing] Wait a minute! I don't have to be your slave at all!
Lightningz: wot?
Darth: The North still won the Civil War, and that means that slavery is abolished!
President: Eh, he's right, boys. Slavery is illegal and immoral, partially in thanks to the North winning the Civil War.
Pineconn_lolz: Aw!
Darth: Ha! Screw you, losers! [He walks off]
Pineconn_lolz: Ah, the hell with it. Let's go home. [He and Lightningz walk away] Thanks a lot, 'Mr President'!
Lightningz: yeh, tnks, ahole.
[Irritated, the President points to the two and then makes a slit throat hand gesture. Seconds later, the pair are shot dead by a sniper. The president walks over to them, spits on their bodies and walks off]
*That's Dalek Caan from Doctor Who, as opposed to Khan Noonien Singh from Star Trek II.
Majora
05-07-2007, 05:55 PM
You missed one Cartman, and some format tags [i] and [b]
Nice!
*bows to Darth*
I wish I was trained to be a sniper... I would make those two shit their pants from fear in real life.
The_Amaster
05-07-2007, 06:01 PM
Yay! :kawaii: I got a cameo role! I'm not going to say that this one is fantastic or wonderfull because I've said it before, and I'm running out of adjectives to describe these stories.
(Oh, BTW, several times in the first one you seem to have mixed up Pineconn with Lolz. It took me a while to figure out what was going on.)
Darth Marsden
05-07-2007, 07:06 PM
Fixed and fixed. Glad you enjoyed it, cause it's gonna have to last you for the next week or so.
Pineconn
05-07-2007, 09:52 PM
There are still four instances of calling "Pineconn_lolz" just "Pineconn" and still some [/i] errors (in both). But besides mechanics, you are simply getting better at ripping writing these stories! No more for a week? Ah, oh well, time for Mario Kart: Double Dash!! and quest-making.
EDIT:
Pineconn: [Reaching the scene too late] Oh no!
[AGN Cafe. Pineconn and Zeldafan500 are sitting in the empty building, drinking Coke and reading the newspaper. The headline reads 'Topeka Taken!']
majoras_wrath: Yeah. We're raisin' all kids of hell. [He hands the message to Pineconn] It's quite probably the most fun I've had since... well, since the last adventure we had.
War Lord: Not now, uh Pineconn, I'm pillaging. [A hot woman runs by] C'mere, you! [He runs after her] (<--- And that one is also missing [b] tags, as is Pineconn_lolz's next line.)
But nevertheless an excellent and entertaining read!!! :D
Darth Marsden
06-20-2007, 12:52 PM
I've neglected this for far too long.
Episode IX - Rock On!
[The AGN Cafe, morning. A whole bunch of people are chatting away, as per usual. Once again, the mike and speakers are set up at the front of the cafe - looks like War Lord's run out of cash again]
moocow: Hey, who we getting this time?
Pineconn: Hell if I know. Probably some kids telling us that drugs are bad.
majoras_wrath: Didn't we cover drugs last week?
Pineconn: No.
majoras_wrath: ...huh.
[War Lord emerges from his office and approaches the stage]
War Lord: Ok, you know the drill. I need cash, so you gotta suffer. This week we got a real doozy, so try and stay awake, m'kay? Alright, please welcome a supposedly great British singer... Mr Phil Collins!
[With that, Phil himself walks onto the stage from behind one of the speakers. He clutches his Oscar so close to him it might as well be surgically attached to his side. Waving to the entirely unenthusiastic crowd, he approaches the crowd]
Phil Collins: How we doin'? I'm Phil Collins!
[The crowd is silent, except for a faint snoring sound]
Phil Collins: Yeah, I can tell you're really glad to see me. Well, I'm here to talk about the importance of music in our society! And we all know how important music is, right kids?
[Once again, silence. The snoring is slightly louder this time. Phil notices it, but dismisses it]
Phil Collins: Right! So let's get started! Who can tell me when I had my first number one? Anyone?
[Again, nothing but snoring. It's much louder now, and most of the crowd is turning to see where it's coming from. The source is Darth, who's seated at the back and it fast asleep, book in lap. War Lord also notices this, and signals to Breaker, who walks over, picks up Darth, flings him over his shoulder and carries him into War Lord's office]
Phil Collins: Right! No-one knows? It was 'You Can't Hurry Love', in 1982. Which you should all know by heart, right?
Pineconn: [Whispering to moocow] I think Darth's getting off light.
War Lord: Well?
Darth: ...well what?
War Lord: [Stepping behind his desk and sitting down] You wanna explain yourself?
Darth: ...not really.
Breaker: You're going to though, right?
Darth: [Sighs] ...yeah.
War Lord: So?
Darth: I was up all night watching Battlestar Galactica, alright? No big deal.
War Lord: No big deal? I've got Phil Collins out there telling us how important music is, and you're telling me that's no big deal?
Darth: It's Phil Collins! Of course it's no big deal! The guy hasn't been cool since Vice City Stories!
War Lord: ...he was in Vice City Stories?
Breaker: Yeah. It was hilarious.
War Lord: Well, even so! Would it kill you to just stay awake for half an hour?
Darth: Half an hour. Yeah, right.
War Lord: Dammit Darth, I am THIS close to banning you!
Darth: Whatever.
War Lord: Augh! [He throws his hands up in anger. Darth looks around, bored] Y'know what? Just get out. Get out right now before I do something we'll both regret.
Darth: M'kay.
[Darth gets up and walks out of the office, through the front door and vanishes down the street. War Lord gets up from his desk and opens a cupboard. Lightningz falls out. War Lord picks him up, whacks him one across the face and throws him back in the cupboard again]
War Lord: That guy just winds me up so much sometimes!
Breaker: Yeah, but in his defense, Battlestar Galactica does kick some serious a.
War Lord: Oh, shut up.
Phil Collins: ...and that's why Music is so important! Well, I guess I'd better warp this up, I've a gig to perform, but you all remember what I told you, alright?
[Absolute silence from the crowd]
Phil Collins: Alright! Thank you and good night!
[Phil leaves the stage and walks over to War Lord's office. Inside, he sits down at War Lord's desk as the man himself enters and closes the door behind him]
Phil: Well, that was terrible! The worst crowd I've ever played to!
War Lord: Yeah, well in their defense-
Phil: They have no defense! That was the same speech I use everywhere I go and everywhere else they love it! What's wrong with you guys?
Breaker: They were bored rigid!
Phil: Y'know what? I think they have ADD.
War Lord: Attention Deficit Disorder? Isn't that a little extreme?
Phil: Rubbish! Perfectly common these days! People who phase out during my speeches often turn out to have it!
War Lord: Well, I suppose we could always get some of them tested?
Phil: There ya go!
[A clinic. War Lord and Breaker have brought a couple of faces to see a Doctor]
Clinic Doctor: Ok guys, I'm just gonna do a quick test to see whether or not you've got ADD, alright?
moocow: God, this is so stupid.
amaster42: Damn straight.
Clinic Doctor: Now, I'm going to read you a book called 'The Great Gatsby' by F. Scott Fitzgerald. At the end of the novel I'll ask you a few questions. Are you ready?
moocow: Whatever.
Clinic Doctor: Ok, here we go. [he opens the book and clears his throat] 'In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since' [That last word echoes around as we focus on the clock. It reads 2:01, but the hours begin to roll by: 3:24, 5:55, 7:49, finally ending on 9:09] 'so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.' [The Doctor closes the book. Both War Lord and Breaker are asleep, while moocow is sat on the floor rocking herself back and forth while amaster42 is building a gallows. He looks down at the doctor, realizing he's finished]
Clinic Doctor: Ok guys, now can you tell me: In Chapter 7, what kind of car did Gatsby drive?
[amaster42 looks at him for a minute, then resumes building the gallows. The Doctor rises and throws the book to the ground, waking War Lord with a start]
Clinic Doctor: Well that settles it!
War Lord: ...wuh?
Clinic Doctor: These two definitely have Attention Deficit Disorder!
War Lord: ...oh. So, uh, now what?
Clinic Doctor: Well, ADD is fairly common in kids today. I'm gonna prescribe some Ritalin, and we'll see how that goes for these two.
moocow: [Still rolling back and forth] Woo.
[Cut to a street. Rock music is heard. Pan over to a closed garage, where Dechipher and his band are practicing. They now have a name: Lords of the Underworld. They play, but don't sing, and thrust their heads down from time to time]
Drummer: Man, we suck!
Dechipher: Hey, that's not the right attitude! The Battle of the Bands is tomorrow night!
Drummer: We're never gonna win the Battle of the Bands! It's no big deal.
Dechipher: [In disbelief] Not a big deal! This year's winner gets to open for Phil Collins at Lalapalooblaza, and that's no big deal?!
Bass Player: Hey, c'mon guys, stop fighting.
Dechipher: We've just gotta practice more.
Drummer: We've been practicing for eight years, Chipher!
Dechipher: Hey, am I the leader of this band or not?! Huh, let's do it from the top! [The band starts up again, then pauses]
Darth: [From outside] And the music's all you got! [The band riffs again] It takes you on a ride!
Bass Player: [Stops playing] What was that?
Dechipher: Huh? I don't know. [B][He picks up the garage door opener and presses the button. The door rises to the sound of an angelic choir and orchestra and reveals the bright light outside. And in that light is Darth, listening to an MP3 player] Whoaaa!
Drummer: Who is that?
Darth: This must be... pop!
Dechipher: Darth? I didn't know you could sing!
Darth: [B]Noticing the group for the first time Wha? Me? Sing?
[The band starts practicing again, this time with Darth singing along. They sound like Linkin Park did on their second studio album, or, more simply, totally awesome]
Drummer: Ah man, that is hot!
Dechipher: Yeah!
[Back to the clinic. The Doctor is reading "A Farewell To Arms," by Ernest Hemingway, to pretty much every other AGNer]
Clinic Doctor: 'After a while I went out and left the hospital, and walked back to the hotel in the rain.'
[The Doctor sighs and closes the book. Pineconn bangs his head against the wall cabinet. Pretty much everyone else is fast asleep, although one or two have valiently managed to just about stay awake]
Clinic Doctor: Alright now, in Chapter 12, what kind of bottles did Miss Van Campen talk about? [Pineconn bangs head head again] Anybody? [Pineconn keeps going] Anybody?? My God, these folks all have ADD! [He scribbles onto his notepad quickly]
The few awake folks: [Sleepily] Hooray.
Pineconn: [Sleepily] Hoo-ray.
Clinic Doctor: It's Ritalin for all of you! [He writes out the prescriptions]
[Riverman's store, the next morning. (How's that for continuity?) A huge queue of people line up at the pharmacy counter, ready to receive their prescription]
Riverman: Next? [Pineconn hands him his prescription] What do we have here- ah! More Ritalin!
Pineconn: Yep. Lord only knows what's going through War Lord's mind at the moment, making us all grab this stuff.
Riverman: Well, don't look at me, I'm just doing what I'm told.
Pineconn: Fair enough. Any side effects with these things?
Riverman: No. Well, you may experience a slight lack of energy, but that's about it.
Pineconn: Yeah, like I haven't got enough already. Anything else?
Riverman: Well... you might start seeing little pink Christina Aguilera monsters, but that's to be expected.
Pineconn: Naturally.
[The AGN Battle Of The Bands. A four-member band is onstage. One member is on keyboards, a second is on drums, a third on guitar, and the fourth has the mic. The first and third have flaming hairdos]
Band: [Singing] Look alive, lettin' it feel (so light). Lettin' it feel so light.
People in Audience: Boooo!
Guy in flat top: You suck! [Others in the audience laugh. The band clears out as the M.C. approaches the mic]
M.C: Alright, that was 'Sisters of Mercy Hold No Pain Against the Dark Lord' with their song 'Silk Blood On The Footsteps Of My Mind (Revisited)'
Singer: We got the best response. We'll be opening for Phil Collins for sure.
M.C: And now it's time for our final band.
Guy in Audience: Thank God! [The others laugh]
M.C: Give it up for 'Darth Marsden and the Dark Side'! [The curtains part amid a smattering of applause to reveal the newly named Dark Side. The audience isn't quite sure what to make of this]
Dechipher: And 1, 2, 3, 4 [The Dark Side launch into their song, a cover version of Linkin Park's 'Bleed It Out' (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MehEiUcHX5U). It rocks the casbah and the audience quickly gets into the grove]
Man 1: Man, that guy rules!
Man 2: Oo-yee-hee-yeh-hah!
Man 3: What's wrong with you?! You shouldn't be enjoying that! They're evil!
Darth: I bleed it out, digging deeper just to...
Dark Side: Throw it away!
Darth: I bleed it out, digging deeper just to...
Dark Side: Throw it away!
Darth: I bleed it out, digging deeper just to...
Dark Side: Throw it away! Just to throw it away! I bleed it out!
Darth: Go! Stop the show! [The rest of the gang arrives]
Pineconn: Hey, it's Darth!
moocow: No way!
Man 3: I can't believe they're letting a Sith Lord play! [Darth continues singing, building up to the chorus] Come on, let's get outta here! [He leaves with two others]
Darth: I bleed it out, digging deeper just to...
Dark Side: Throw it away!
Darth: I bleed it out, digging deeper just to...
Dark Side: Throw it away!
Darth: I bleed it out, digging deeper just to...
Dark Side: Throw it away! Just to throw it away! I bleed it out! [The song ends. Someone is carried across the field by the crowd]
Darth: Thank you! Thank you! We're here all week! Try the fish!
moocow: That was awesome!
Pineconn: Yeah, they rock!
Woman: Guys! You shouldn't laugh at him! He's a Sith Lord!
Pineconn: ...so?
Woman: So? He's evil! You shouldn't put evil in front of a stage and parade it in front of everyone! Do you think that's funny?! [Darth is carried past, crowd surfing. He's clearly having a blast]
moocow: Well, I guess he thinks so.
Woman: Oh, you people make me sick! [She walks away in disgust]
M.C: Man, this is a no-brainer. This year's Battle of the Bands winner and the band that gets to open for Phil Collins at Lalapalablala.is… DARTH!
Crowd: [Roars in approval] Wooo!
Drummer: [Flexing his arms] We did it!
Dechipher: [Moves forward] Listen to them. They really love me. [Gives the crowd the devil horns] Wooo!!
Crowd: [Responding] Wooo!!
Dechipher: Yes! I'm a rocker!
[News Special! Anthony once again reports on the latest and greatest events]
Anthony: Tonight, we analyze the new rock sensation, Darth Marsden & The Dark Side [A clip of the group at the Battle of the Bands is shown], the controversial new band that has taken the country by storm. [The crowd cheers and holds up 'DARTH' signs. A woman lifts up her blouse to reveal her bra] Already playing at several large venues this month [The band is shown coming off a plane. Cameras flash at Darth with the other Dark Side members behind him], the band prepares for its biggest gig, Lolapalooblaza, where they will open for Phil Collins. But Phil Collins is not happy.
Phil Collins: [Standing in the middle of a street, still holding his Oscar] Well, I think it's a horrible tragedy, isn't it? I mean, people aren't gonna see Darth for his musical skills. They're cheering at him, and I think you shouldn't support people who are openly evil!
Man: [Appearing in the background and pointing at Phil Collins] Devil! Devil!
Phil Collins: Society has to learn how to be more sensible! This is gonna stop if I have to stop it myself!
[The AGN cafe, the following morning. moocow and Pineconn are chilling out, as per usual]
Pineconn: Hey, did you see that stuff Phil Collins was saying about Darth?
moocow: Yeah, what a idiot. Darth's five times more talented than he is.
amaster42: [Walks through the front door somewhat mechanically and speaks to the guys in a mellow voice] Hey guys, have you been takin' your Ritalin?
Pineconn: Huh? No, we're not actually gonna take that stuff.
amaster42: No, you gotta try it. [He hands a bottle to moocow and smiles in a really creepy way] It makes you feel good. [Shrugging, moocow takes a couple of pills and tosses the bottle to Pineconn, who does the same] You'll see.
[B][A few minutes later, majoras_wrath walks through the front door and waves to the guys, who wave back. He walks over and sits next to them]
majoras_wrath: Hey guys.
amaster42: Hello, majoras_wrath.
majoras_wrath: Everything alright?
moocow: Everything's fine, thank you.
majoras_wrath: ...seriously?
amaster42, moocow and Pineconn: Yes.
majoras_wrath: Wow. Are you guys high or something?
Pineconn: We're on Ritalin.
majoras_wrath: What?!
amaster42: We all have Attention Deficit Disorder. So we all started taking Ritalin.
moocow: It really takes the edge off. You should try it. [He shakes a couple of pills out of his bottle and swallows them]
majoras_wrath: ...and it's this that's making you so boring?
Pineconn: That's correct, majoras_wrath.
majoras_wrath: Dammit, you don't need drugs to make you pay attention! They're trying to cure everything with drugs these days!
amaster42: Yes, but since we can promise to pay attention to War Lord's guest speakers in future, he's letting us watch Darth play downtown at Mile High Stadium.
moocow: Oh boy oh boy.
Pineconn: Oh boy.
majoras_wrath: Dammit, don't you even know about the side effects of this stuff?
amaster42: But there are no side effects, majoras_wrath.
moocow: No, not at all. [Pineconn looks away and a Christina Aguilera monster appears]
Christina Aguilera monster: Row! [Pineconn rubs his eyes, and she's gone]
Pineconn: Did you guys see that?
majoras_wrath: See what?
[MTV News. A satellite revolves around the logo. Y'know, like it used to, back when MTV lived up to it's name of Music TeleVision and [I]actually played music
Announcer: You're watching MTV, the cool, brainwashing, twelve-year-old-and-younger station that hides behind a slick image. We're so cool that we decide what's cool. And now, MTV News, the news that is singlehandedly dumbing down our country. Which is cool. Here's your host, Kurt Loder.
Kurt Loder: [Framed by seven monitors showing the following: the MTV logo, The Cure's Robert Smith, a rotating Earth, Marilyn Manson, KoRn, Elton John, and Rick James] Why am I still doing this? I've got to be the oldest person in this network by at least 40 years.
Announcer: [The logo takes up the whole screen] Kurt Loder didn't just say that. No way, he did just say it, but just to be cool. That's what makes him cool. You think Kurt Loder is cool. And now, the news that's cool.
Kurt Loder: Well, it's only two weeks until Lalapalalababa, and the headlining band has changed. Now headlining the event is Darth [A shot of him], the new hit sensation out of AGN. This news came as a shock to the performer that was going to headline Lalapalabala, Phil Collins.
Phil Collins: [Still in AGN and still with his Oscar] Well, I think the sad question is 'Where are the parents in all this?' I mean, that kid's parents are letting him be exploited, and they don't even seem to care.
Kurt Loder: [A limo with police escort pulls up to a house] And so, Phil Collins decided to travel to AGN and personally pay Darth's parents a visit. [Phil gets out of the limo and goes to the front door]
Phil Collins: [In the living room] Well, I mean, why are you letting them do this to your son? Don't you see that everyone's just terrified of him?
Darth's Father: [Darth's father looks like Christopher Eccleston with a pair of blue sunglasses and a great scar across his face] Yes, and we couldn't be more proud.
Darth's Mother: [Darth's mother looks like Teagan Presley (http://pack.webcindario.com/imagenes/TeaganPresley.jpg)] I'd always hoped he'd follow his father into the Jedi killing business, but to be honest, as long as he's inspiring a cult following, we're happy.
[Suddenly a man bursts through a nearby window, lands on the floor and ignites a red lightsaber. Both Darth's parents follow suit and quickly turn the intruder to mincemeat with a vicious tagteam effort. They settle back into their seats just as quickly as the whole thing started]
Darth's Father: And he's clearly enjoying himself, which is always something you look for in work, so yeah, we're happy with where he's ended up.
Kurt Loder: Phil Collins warns that a novelty band that exists purely for the purpose of furthering evil should not be allowed to play Lalapalablalala, and vows to do everything in his power to stop it. Phil Collins, by the way, divorced his wife via fax and then married a 27-year-old. I'm Kurt Loder, and that's the news.
Darth Marsden
06-20-2007, 12:54 PM
...continued...
[The AGN Cafe once more. War Lord walks up to the stage once more - looks like another boring lecture]
War Lord: Alright guys, sit down and shut up. [They already are. The entire cafe is filled with people sitting down and paying attention to War Lord] ...god this is dull. Wish I'd never got you guys hooked on Ritalin. [More silence] Ha! Ok, today I'm gonna talk to you about human reproduction. What do you think of that, eh? [He draws the words out slowly, but the group remains silent] Vaginas, and penises. Butt sex. [No reaction whatsoever] Well dammit, this is just great. Pineconn, don't you have some smart-ass thing to say?!
Pineconn: What kind of smart-ass thing would I say, War Lord?
War Lord: [Grabbing his head] Augh, this is driving me crazy! I can't deal with you little bastards being so mellow!
moocow: You seem a little stressed, War Lord. Why don't you try some Ritalin? [She has the bottle out. War Lord thinks for a bit, then goes for the bottle, opens it up, and chugs some pills down]
Pineconn: There you go. [He smiles, then frowns]
Christina Aguilera monster: [Sneaks out from behind one of the speakers] Row!
Pineconn: Wah!
[Mile High Stadium. A whole bunch of banners all proudly state 'Tonight Only! DARTH! Sold Out!']
Singer: Thank you, AGN! Good night!
Bass Player: [Exits the dressing room with the other band members] Alright, let's rock this house!
Darth: Hell yeah! Hope your on form tonight, I don't wanna have to cover up your screw-ups...
Bass Player: Yeah, yeah... [Dechipher trails the others, and Phil Collins appears in a hallway intersection next to the dressing room]
Phil Collins: Excuse me, Dechipher?
Dechipher: [Stops and turns] Yeah?
Phil Collins: Nice to meet you. I'm Phil Collins.
Dechipher: Oh, yeah. You're opening for us as Lalapalazabla.
Phil Collins: ...yeah. I just wanted to tell you that, well, I think that you're a great guitar player and song writer.
Dechipher: Oh, thanks a lot. I appreciate that. Listen, I gotta run. [He turns and starts walking away]
Phil Collins: It's too bad those other guys are holding you back.
Dechipher: [Stops and looks back] Wuh?
Phil Collins: Well, I mean, it's obvious all the talent and artistic vision in the band comes from you. Strange, how everyone focuses on Darth, isn't it? I mean, even the name of the band is 'Darth'.
Dechipher: Uh, the name of the band is 'Darth Marsden & The Sith Lords'.
Phil Collins: Look, I used to be in a band, too. Genesis. And all those bastards did was hold me back and hold me back. But then, finally, I went solo. And that's when I started writing really great songs. But look, if you happen to be on the sidelines, you know, being more of a cheerleader than a player, well, then I guess you should stay on as Darth's shadow.
Dechipher: [Dejected, walks away and looks back] Uh, thanks man. See ya.
Phil Collins: Well. That should just about put an end to all this Darth nonsense. [He kisses his Oscar]
[The band's dressing room, after the guys have finished playing their set. The faint sounds of the crowd cheering kinda give away the fact that they owned]
Darth: Ah, that was killer. Totally killer.
Drummer: There must have been like a hundred thousand people out there.
Dechipher: [Tosses his guitar aside] Yeah. All of them chanting 'Darth, Darth'.
Darth: Yeah, I know. People tend to focus on the lead singer. I kinda assumed you guys were cool with that when I signed up.
Bass Player: We are. Right?
Dechipher: The name of the band is Darth AND the Sith Lords, not just 'Darth'.
Darth: Yeah. I know that. That's what it'll say on the albums, and the tour guides, and the hour long 'Whatever Happened to' special they'll air in ten years. What's up with you?
Dechipher: What's up with me? What's up with you, more like!
Darth: Me?
Dechipher:Yeah, you! It's always about you, and I'm sick of it! Darth gets all the applause! Darth gets all the chicks! Well, you know what?! Forget you, man!
Drummer: Hey, Darth's a member of this band, just like we all-
Dechipher: [Spins around and points] Shut up! You can stay and deal with Mr. Egomaniac here, but I'm movin' on! [He heads for the door] I don't need any of you! [He grabs his guitar along the way] I'm goin' solo!
Darth: Look, I think you're over-reacting-
Dechipher: [At the door] No! Don't try and stop me, man! [He turns to exit] I'll see you on fame's backside. [Walks out the door]
Darth: ...well. Quite.
[Pineconn's house, the next day. The gang are on the sofa watching Terrance and Phillip. They all have their Ritalin close to hand, and amaster42 has the remote]
Phillip: Terrance, what brand of pants am I wearing?
Terrance: [Bends to look] Let me see. [Phillip farts on him and they crack up]
Phillip: How do you like that, Terrance?
Pineconn: Let's watch something else.
moocow: Yes, let's. [amaster42 starts channel-surfing, then stops]
Announcer: You're watching VH1.
The Gang: Ahhhh.
Anchor: Here's Lalapalalala's news. The hit group 'Darth' has broken up.
moocow: Oh dear. Darth's band broke up?
Anchor: And so, Phil Collins is back on as the headliner. The opening band now will be Darth's guitarist Dechipher's new solo project, 'Dechiphered'.
moocow: You know something? I think that's good. It was wrong to make Darth a singer.
amaster42: Yes. Phil Collins was right. People were afraid of Darth , and Darth should be at home, where he can't scare or intimidate anyone.
Pineconn: I agree. You know what, you guys? We should go to the concert anyways and see Phil Collins.
moocow: Yes. I think Phil Collins rocks the house.
amaster42: Sounds good.
Pineconn: So it's decided: Phil Collins concert for all of us. [A Christina Aguilera bug is crawling all over amaster42] Hooray. [He notices it] Oh. Hold still, amaster42. [He procures a baseball bat from somewhere and swings it at amaster42. It strikes, and amaster's face is smashed in. He falls backward, hits the floor, and a puddle of blood forms under him]
moocow: Oh my goodness, you killed amaster. Bastard.
[The AGN Cafe once more. majoras_wrath is standing on the stage, and most of the mods are sitting and listening intently]
majoras_wrath: Ok, I wanted to talk to you guys because I think you might be making a mistake putting everybody on Ritalin.
Breaker: Uh, but they have Attention Deficit Disorder. They can't stay focused without it.
majoras_wrath: Look, I know you wanna help the guys, but I brought over a videotape to show you that there are alternatives to Ritalin. There's this doctor in Northern California who is doing really amazing kids with guys who have ADD. I want you to watch this tape. [He puts in the tape. The VCR does the rest]
Dr. Shay: Hello, I'm Dr. Richard Shay, here to tell you about exciting new drug-free treatment for children with Attention Deficit Disorder. [Three kids are in a classroom setting, acting up. Dr. Shay enters] This treatment is fast and effective and doesn't use harmful drugs. Watch closely as I apply treatment to the first child.
Girl: [Dr. Shay walks up to her and listens as she rattles off] I want a horse. I want a big brown horse with a brown-and-black tail, and a diamond tiara- [He smacks her behind the ear] Ah!
Dr. Shay: Sit down and study! [She looks at him scared, then picks up a book and opens it, looking at him all the while. He moves on to the boy in the middle desk]
Boy 1: Woohoo, let's go sledding, let's go race and race, let's go! [Dr. Shay smacks him too, making him turn aside. He turns back]
Dr. Shay: Sit down and study!
Boy 1: [He looks at him, then starts crying] Wwaaahahahah [Dr. Shay smacks him again! The other boy stops and looks]
Dr. Shay: Stop crying and do your schoolwork! [The boy opens his book. He and the girl start reading. The Dr. moves over to the other boy, and he just cracks open his book and reads. The doctor address the camera] If you would like more information on my bold new treatment, please send away for this free brochure, entitled 'You can either calm down, or I can pop you in the mouth again'. Thank you. [majoras_wrath turns the tape off]
majoras_wrath: Well, what do you think? I can have Dr. Shay come help us out for a small fee.
PrrKitty: That video had pretty colors.
War Lord: Yeah.
majoras_wrath: What the? Dammit, have you all been taking Ritalin too?!
Mods: Yes.
majoras_wrath: Augh! [He throws the remote aside. The gang enters]
Pineconn: majoras_wrath, are you going to the Phil Collins concert tomorrow?
majoras_wrath: The what?
moocow: Phil Collins is playing Lalapalala's, and because we're all so focused, the Moderators have given us permission to go.
Mods: Yes.
majoras_wrath: Hold on a second: you guys actually want to go see Phil Collins?
Pineconn: Yes. His flowing melodies are really enjoyable to us.
majoras_wrath: Oh my God!!
moocow: Come, see him with us.
Pineconn: Yes, come with us. Come with uusss. Haaa, it's Christina Aguilera agan! [He runs around madly grasping at the 'monster'] She's on my back! Hah! [He runs out of shot]
majoras_wrath: That does it! I'm gonna go see Riverman about this! Phil Collins indeed...
[Riverman's store, later on. Riverman and the Clinic Doctor are talking while Riverman is counting some money]
Riverman: Look at that. Ritalin stocks are up ten points.
Clinic Doctor: That's easily another twenty grand apiece! [The pair laugh as majoras_wrath arrives]
majoras_wrath: [Pounding on the door] Hey, open this damn door. [The doctor and Riverman cover the money with a sheet and go to the front door]
Riverman: Can I help you?
majoras_wrath: Yes you can! What the hell are you two doin' prescribing everybody Ritalin?!
Clinic Doctor: Well, they've all been diagnosed with ADD. That's Attention Deficit-
majoras_wrath: I know what it is! But now you've got a town full of zombies from the planet Zandor.
Clinic Doctor: Huh?
majoras_wrath: All around the country, you bastard doctors are giving people Ritalin! And for every one person that actually needs it, you give it to 50,000 that don't!
Clinic Doctor: Hey now, don't tell us our business. Why, we-
majoras_wrath: You're damn right I'll tell you yo' business, because you two have got your heads up your asses! Thanks to you, we have guys in our town that like Phil Collins!
Riverman: Eh wuh, what?? [He and the doctor are shocked]
majoras_wrath: That's right! You've made them so dull and boring that they're actually going to go to a Phil Collins concert!
Clinic Doctor: Mm- my God. What have we done? [He beings to weep]
Riverman: Well, if I had known… Phil Collins... oh God! [He too beings to weep]
majoras_wrath: Well, how do we reverse the Ritalin?!
Clinic Doctor: We uh… have to convince them not to take it, but it'll be hard to get it away from them.
majoras_wrath: Then we need an antidote!
Riverman: Yes, of course.
Clinic Doctor: Uh, what's the antidote for Ritalin?
majoras_wrath: I have some right here. [He takes a bottle from a medicine case] It's a compound called 'Ritalout'.
majoras_wrath: Alright. Come on, we've got to get the antidote to all the guys. Quick! [They rush out]
[Welcome to LALAPALALAPAZA! A whole bunch of folk are filing in. Music is piped in before the concert and Phil Collins is playing some terrible dirge]
Phil Collins: [The crowd claps to the rhythm] Last night I went 'O'!
Bubudio
Last night I went 'Bubudio'
majoras_wrath: [Leads the doctor and Riverman to a lemonade stand] Here. We can put the Ritalin antidote in these drinks and hand them out to the group. ['Last night I went 'Bubudio.'' Riverman starts placing the Ritalout tablets in the drinks]
Phil Collins: Last night I went 'O!'
Bububudio. [He takes a bow to scattered clapping]
War Lord: Wasn't that great, moocow?
moocow: It sure was, War Lord.
Breaker: It's so wonderful for everyone to be on the same wavelength.
majoras_wrath: [Arriving with a tray of lemonade] Here you go, guys. Free drinks on me. [moocow reaches for his drink and takes a sip]
War Lord: Oh, thank you, majoras_wrath. How nice of you. [He takes a glass. He and moocow drink at the same time as majoras_wrath leaves]
Phil Collins: I know. I'd like to sing the complex and amazing song that won me the Oscar, a song entitled 'You'll Be In… Me'. [He goes to the piano, sets the Oscar on the piano top and starts playing it. It's a shameless parody of 'You'll Be In My Heart'] Thanks.
You're inside of me.
Deep inside of me. [majoras_wrath hands drinks to people]
So deep inside, I can feel you pushing against my heart.
majoras_warth: Come on, drink it down. It's free.
Pineconn: You'll be inside of me…
Christina Aguilera monster: [Appears on his shoulder] Row!
Pineconn: Huh? Oh no! Agh! [He tries to shake it off as it nibbles on his shoulder] Get off me! Get off me! Somebody help!! Please?? Somebody get it off of me!! Get it off of me.
War Lord: I feel… different.
Breaker: ...yeah. [The monster munches loudly on Pineconn]
Pineconn: Get off of me, Christina Aguilera! Alright?! Please! Hegh, hegh [The monster still munches on him as he rolls on the ground]
majoras_wrath: [Arrives] Hey, drink this. [He pours the lemonade Ritalout into Pineconn's mouth, and the Christina Aguilera monster dissolves] God help me! Heh, get it… [He turns over on his stomach] She's gone! Thank God!
Phil Collins: [Looks at the audience] Well, thanks! [He continues playing. The camera focuses on moocow and War Lord]
moocow: Wait a minute! Phil Collins sucks ass!
War Lord: Yeah! What the hell were we thinking?! GET OFF THE STAGE!
majoras_wrath: [Returns to the doctor and Riverman] I think it's working.
Audience: Booooo!!
Phil Collins: [Stops playing and addresses the audience] Shut your filthy holes, you little bastards!
moocow: Get off the stage, Phil Collins! We want Darth!
Pineconn: Yeah!
Phil Collins: But he's evil! He's gonna corrupt you all!
Pineconn: What, any more then video games or TV shows?
moocow: Yeah! All he was doing was playing some damned good rock! There's nothing evil in that!
Pineconn: Yeah! Darth! Darth!
Audience: DARTH! DARTH! DARTH! DARTH!
[The AGN Cafe. Darth and the other members of The Dark Side are all sitting on a table outside, drinking cans of coke or something. They're just chilling, basically.]
Drummer: Man, it sucks not being part of Lalapalabala. [The cry begins to reach them: 'DARTH! DARTH!']
Darth: Yeah. That would've been cool. ['DARTH! DARTH!']
Dechipher: [Walks in and grabs a seat] Hey guys. ['DARTH! DARTH!']
Bass Player: 'cipher? What are you doing here? ['DARTH! DARTH!'] Isn't 'Dechiphered' supposed to play soon? ['DARTH! DARTH! DARTH! DARTH!']
Dechipher: They booed Phil Collins off the stage. Everyone's chanting for Darth and The Dark Side. ['DARTH! DARTH!']
Drummer: ['DARTH! DARTH!'] Oh, so now that they want us, you think you can waltz back into our lives and be in the band again? ['DARTH! DARTH! DARTH! DARTH!']
Dechipher: I don't expect anything. Listen Darth, I… Well, I just wanted to say we had some pretty rockin' times, and… maybe I let fame and Phil Collins go to my head… ['DARTH! DARTH!']
Darth: Yeah, we did. ['DARTH! DARTH! DARTH! DARTH!']
Bass Player: [Stands and listens] Wow. They really are chanting for us. ['DARTH! DARTH! DARTH! DARTH!']
Drummer: Huh. ['DARTH! DARTH!']
Dechipher: What do you say, Darth? One more shot? ['DARTH! DARTH!']
Darth: ...ah, what the hell. ['DARTH! DARTH!']
Dark Lords: Alright!
[Back to the Lalapalalapaza concert]
Host: Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, it is my pleasure to introduce the reunion tour of Darth!
Darth: [Taking the mic out of its stand] How you guys doin'? [The audience cheers] Alright! Let's give it up for the Dark Side! [Again, the audience cheers. Dechipher looks on and smiles] I can't hear you! I said GIVE IT UP FOR THE DARK SIDE! [The audience cheers even louder. Dechipher has down to the ground and laughs to himself] There we go! Now... let's rock this joint!
[The band starts up and starts playing Linkin Park's 'Faint' (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sesOnXMcaBk&mode=related&search=). The crowd start mashing along with it. Both of Darth's parents are there, rocking out, and Phil Collins, his mouth duck-taped and his Oscar sticking out of his ass, is passed along on top of them]
Pineconn
06-20-2007, 01:37 PM
majoras_wrath: Well, what do you think? I can have Dr. Shay come to South Park for a small fee.
Lol.
1
Anyway. That's the ticket! Again, that chapter really rides with the top 1 or 2. Absolutely hilarious! Great job on your parody! ;)
Darth Marsden
06-20-2007, 02:39 PM
Augh! One freakin' error!
Fixed. Well spotted, you. And thanks for the praise. I wasn't too sure about this one, but I'm glad at least one person likes it.
The_Amaster
06-20-2007, 02:47 PM
HEEEEEEE'S BAAAAAACK, and funny as ever!
Yay!:kawaii: I actually had more than one line this time.
And if I recall, Gatsby's car was yellow.
Pineconn
06-21-2007, 01:03 AM
(Well, there are a few / errors, but bleh.)
So, one question. Why exactly did I kill Amaster? :p
Darth Marsden
06-21-2007, 05:13 AM
Well, there are a few / errors, but bleh.
So, one question. Why exactly did I kill Amaster? :p
Lies! All lies!
Why'd you kill amaster42? He had a Christina Aquilera monster (http://www.southparkstuff.com/images/stories/epiimgs/epi404/sp404_crsitna2.jpg) on him. Duh. :sly:
Pineconn
06-21-2007, 03:35 PM
Yeah, but he's kinda' out of all the stories now.
Huh, that's not exactly how I pictured the C.A. monster looked like. ;)
The_Amaster
06-21-2007, 04:16 PM
I'm hoping that my death, like in most cartoons, only lasts until the next episode, at which point we can all be sure that at some unmentioned point in time between them, someone thought to call a necromancer.
Majora
06-21-2007, 04:23 PM
I still saw various references to your transgressions (you missed some "South Park"'s) Do Ctrl + F and hunt down all words related to South Park, Cartman, etc. :D
Darth Marsden
06-21-2007, 04:53 PM
For the record amaster42, you're the sixth proper forum member I've actually killed. The first was biggiy05 in Not Dead Yet, the second was Lightningz in Customer Satisfaction, the third was Pineconn_lolz in A New Mod and the fourth and fifth were carrot red and SUCCESSOR in Game On!...or at least, I think it's been six.
Whether it has or not, none of the deaths has been permanent, so relax. You'll probably crop up again.
EDIT: No more Cartman or South Park references. If there's any left, point them out and win a cookie.
Archibaldo
06-21-2007, 10:01 PM
*Ahem* still waiting for that cameo you promsied on my birthday. Phattonez too.
Darth Marsden
06-22-2007, 11:54 AM
Next one, promise.
Pineconn
06-22-2007, 09:34 PM
Ooh, that means that there will be a next one! Feel free to take two weeks, though.
The_Amaster
06-22-2007, 10:12 PM
If you do give Archibaldo a cameo, you should break continuity and make him a lost reality sculpter stranded in the desert, who shapes himself a gaurdian angel out of pure white mana.:D And if anyone besides Archibaldo gets that referance, they get a cookie.
moocow
06-22-2007, 11:30 PM
lol, you made fun of my ADD.
Dick :p
Majora
06-23-2007, 12:39 AM
It was a VERY Ironic story IMO, simply because I was the one to undo the Ritalin, and I have ADHD.
*is shot repeatedly*
Darth Marsden
06-23-2007, 02:30 AM
Next one may take a while, I've just temporarily re-entered the workforce.
...and I had no idea so many people had ADD. What a strange coincidence. :)
moocow
06-25-2007, 07:22 AM
Oh God. If you breathe, you have ADD.
I have ADHD, do I rock? haha. Yeah.
Darth Marsden
07-10-2007, 04:21 PM
Ooh, that means that there will be a next one! Feel free to take two weeks, though.
'k.
Darth Marsden
07-10-2007, 04:31 PM
With thanks to biggiy05, for reasons that nobody else shall never ever know. So there.
Episode X - Mother Nature is a Whore
[AGN Cafe. Once again, War Lord is up on the stage, trying desperately to get everyone else to shut up. A group of people behind him dressed in yellow shirts lead by an older woman are talking amongst themselves as he fails miserably. Eventually he succeeds by hissing into the microphone, causing everyone to howl in pain. Once quiet, War Lord clears his throat]
War Lord: Ok, here we go again folks. I need money, you're too tight to give it, these guys aren't. Suck it up and take it like the miserable excuses for men and women that you are. [He turns to the group of people behind him] Go for it, guys.
Leader: Uh, thanks. [War Lord steps off the stage and the leader moves towards the microphone] Ok, how are we all doing today? [Absolute silence from the crowd. Not deterred, she puts on a smile] I said HOW ARE WE DOING?
Darth: [Sounding bored] What do you want?
Leader: Uh... right. Straight to the chase. Fair enough. Well, we are a national choir called 'Getting Gay With Nature', and we-
[The leader is interrupted by the entire audience bursting out in fits of childish giggles. The group's leader looks bored, as if she's encountered this before, and waits for the crowd to settle down. When they do, she continues talking]
Leader: Yes, I know the group has a silly name. Get over it.
Pineconn: No, I'm sorry. I mean, I know that the Gay in the title is probably referring to the old-style meaning of the word, but even then, it means 'Getting Happy With Nature'... I mean, really?
Leader: Yeah, well most of our sponsors are really old. Now can I get on with my pitch? [The crowd settles back down and she continues] Right. Well, you know who we are, so I guess I'd better say why we're here. Well, we're gonna do a big tour down in Central America to help save the rainforest, and we want you to be a part of it.
Archibaldo: Oh, for the love of a cheap prostitute...
Leader: You see, we take folks from all over the country and put them in a choir [Darth yawns and moocow nods off] where we sing and dance to raise awareness about our vanishing rainforest.
Male Choir Member: [Stepping forward] Did you know over 10,000 acres of rainforest are bulldozed every year?
Female Choir Member: [Stepping forward as well] That's right. And over 30% of the world's oxygen [Archibaldo sees her and begins to swoon] is made in the rainforest. [She smiles back at Archibaldo, who's utterly in love - ahem, distracted. The camera stays on him]
Leader: So, who wants to join the fun?
Pineconn: What if you don't have any rhythm?
Leader: ...I'm sorry?
Pineconn: Yeah, see, my friend over here [He points to Phattonez, who looks back at him] is more overweight than the rest of us, so he doesn't have any rhythm.
Phattonez: Hey! I'm not fat, you son of a bitch!
Pineconn: Denial really doesn't suit you, man.
Phattonez: Screw you!
Pineconn: No thanks, I don't swing that way.
War Lord: Phattonez, shut up! Pineconn, stop baiting him! Archibaldo, pay attention! [Sighs heavily] Sorry. Go ahead.
Leader: Uh, that was it, really. So, if anyone is interested in seeing the rainforest and joining us, I'll leave information packets up front.
Darth: Oh that's good, we were running low on toilet paper. [Everyone laughs. War Lord is livid and storms up to him]
War Lord: RIGHT! THAT'S IT! IN MY OFFICE, NOW!
[Later, the four (that's Archibaldo, Darth, Phattonez and Pineconn this time round) are all standing around in War Lord's office. After a minute, he enters and sits behind his desk]
War Lord: Dammit, guys. Was it really so much to ask that you keep your mouths shut?
Phattonez: But I'm not fat!
Darth: Well, no more so then the rest of America, anyway.
War Lord: Dammit Darth, shut up!
Darth: It's true though, you guys are totally overweight.
Pineconn: Yeah, well you guys are catching up with us.
War Lord: SHUT UP!
Darth: What can I say? We wanted to make sure you were comfortable with us.
Pineconn: Oh, you SO stole that from Monkey Island!
Darth: I steal from the best. So, Canada.
War Lord: Right! That's it. Y'know what? I think you guys need a lesson in humility. So guess where you've just been signed up?
Phattonez: Oh, no way!
Pineconn: You... you can't do that!
Darth: Yeah, I've got a gig with Dechipher next week!
Archibaldo: Alright! [The others look at him] Uh... bummer. Or something.
War Lord: Right. Yes way, I can do that, not any more you don't, learn to deal with it. I think it'll be educational for you guys.
Phattonez: But I don't even care about the environment!
War Lord: ...and that's why you need to go.
Pineconn: [Drops down onto his knees and pleads] Please War Lord, we'll be good. Don't send us to that stupid choir. Have mercy!
[The next day, outside Darth's house. He's chatting with his mother on the pavement while the tour bus waits for him]
Darth: Y'know, I could just kill them all.
Darth's Mum: Yes, you could. But then War Lord would kill your dad, and I would forever hate you.
Darth: So, probably not a good idea then?
Darth's Mum: Probably not. [The two hug]
Darth: Ok. I'll see you in a couple of weeks.
Darth's Mum: Ok. Bring us something back from the rainforest!
Leader: [Leaning out one of the bus' windows] Oh, nonono. The rainforest is very fragile. We must take only pictures and leave only footprints.
Darth's Mum: Bollocks to that. Grab us a snake, would you?
Darth: Not a problem. Give dad my respect and apologies, would you?
Darth's Mum: No love?
Darth: I'm a Sith Lord, not a bleeding heart. See you later.
Darth's Mum: Try not to upset the balance of the ecosystem too much!
[Darth reluctantly steps onto the bus and makes his way to the back, where Phattonez and Pineconn have saved him a seat. Archibaldo is sitting with the female choir member he's fallen heads over heels for]
Leader: Ok guys, that's all of us. We're ready to head for the Latin American nation of Costa Rica, a country filled with virgin rainforest.
Darth: Whoopee.
Leader: And you must be Darth Marsden. I've heard about you. You don't respect nature or other cultures.
Darth: I'd have thought the name might have clued you into that.
Leader: Well, I'm gonna change the way you think, kiddo.
Darth: [Smiles to himself] Yeah, good luck with that.
Archibaldo: [Starting a conversation with his 'soul mate'] Hey. I'm Archibaldo.
Female Choir Member: Kelly.
Archibaldo: Nice to know you, Kelly.
Leader: Now, we've got a long trip ahead of us, so let's take the opportunity to learn our choreography.
Darth: The nightmare begins.
[The bus rolls along. A map pops up, showing the bus's route, and Latin music plays. It crosses the border at Mexicali, goes down the Baja peninsula, takes a ferry to Mexico and cuts across the North to the Gulf, then snakes down Central America to Costa Rica. They arrive at San José.]
Leader: Oh, look guys! I think we're entering San José, which is the capital of Costa Rica. [The group move to their windows and look out] Oh! This is so exciting!
Pineconn: Man, I didn't realize how bad things were out here.
Leader: Costa Rica is a Third-World country. These people are much poorer than those in the U.S.
Darth: Well, why the hell don't they get jobs?! [Throws open his window and yells] Ey! Why don't you people quit slacking off and get a job! What's wrong with you?! Go to college!
Leader: Sit down, Darth!
Darth: [Sits down] Look, you've gotta be firm with these people or they just slack off and be poor forever.
Leader: I'm warning you Darth, I am not gonna take comments like that.
Darth: Whoa, look over there! [The bus stops. There are three women in front of a shop. A man has just dropped them off, pays them and drives away, and they wave at him] Wow! Costa Rican prostitutes! Hey, look at the prostitutes, you guys!
Redheaded Prostitute: [With heavy accent] What are chu looking at, man?
Middle Prostitute: Yeah, why don't chu take a peekture?
Darth: Ok. [Grabs Kelly's camera and takes a picture. In an exaggerated voice, he says...] Kuhleek! [He hands the camera back and grins at the prostitutes]
Leader: SIT DOWN!
[Eventually the bus stops at the Centro Nacional de Costa Rica, and the group gets out and gather on the pavement]
Leader: Ok, this is the Costa Rican Capitol building. This is where all the leaders of the Costa Rican government make their-
Darth: Oh my God, [He covers his nose] it smells like ass out here.
Leader: All right, that does it! [She turns Darth around] Darth Marsden, you respect other cultures this instant!
Darth: I wasn't saying anything about their culture, I was just saying their city smells like ass.
Kelly: Wow, seeing a place like this really makes you appreciate living in America, huh?
Archibaldo: Yeah, yeah it does.
Leader: Now look, you may think that making fun of Third-World countries is funny, but let me-
Darth: I don't think it's funny! This place is overcrowded, smelly and poor! That's not funny, that sucks!
Leader: Darth, will you please, PLEASE just keep your mouth shut while we present ourselves to the Costa Rican President?
Darth: Ugh. Fine. Killjoy.
[A minute later, the group is inside the Capitol. They're all facing the President, who's trying to talk to them, with limited success]
Leader: Well, it was a long trip, but the guys are very excited to sing tomorrow.
El Presidente: [After a long pause] ¿Qué?
Leader: Uh, we're, uh, we're the choir? That, that was sent from… the United States?
El Presidente: [Another long pause] ¿Qué?
Leader: We're the group singing for the 'Save The Rainforest' summit tomorrow? [El Presidente clearly has no clue what she's saying, and she's getting really worried] Dammit, where's that translator? He should have been here by now...
Darth: [Stepping forward] Usted es choir de Estados Unidos.
El Presidente: ¡O! ¡O! Save The Rainforest!
Darth: SÃ*, El Presidente.
Leader: You... you speak Spanish?
Darth: [Grinning] Still want me to shut up?
El Presidente: Pablo los llevará en un tur de la jungla. [A Guide, Pablo, appears beside El Presidente]
Darth: Ok, so this guy is Pablo, and he's gonna give us a tour of the rainforest, and I charge by the hour.
Leader: You don't!
Darth: Well, I guess we could work something out. [To El Presidente and Pablo] Un momento, El Presidente.
El Presidente: SÃ*.
Darth: [To the choir leader] If you let me sit out of any of those stupid performances you decide to put on, I'll translate for you.
Leader: WHAT?
Darth: If not... well, then El Presidente learns we have a group of terrorists here to take what little money this country has left.
Leader: You wouldn't?
Darth: I'm a Sith Lord. There's little I wouldn't do.
Leader: ...fine.
Darth: Cool. Whatcha want me to say?
Leader: Tell El Presidente to round up his subjects outside. We have a special gift for him. The gift... of song.
[Outside, on the Capitol steps, the group has gathered together and is preparing to perform]
Leader: Ok guys, let's get into position quickly so we can get started.
Kelly: Did you remember all the choreography, Arch?
Archibaldo: Yeah, I think so.
Leader: [To audience] Hello, everybody. This is just a little rehearsal for tomorrow, so we may be a little rusty. [She chuckles and shrugs. The people just look on, puzzled. She presses the play button. The group begin to dance to the music, in the key of D]
The big dance number!
Tootin' tootin' to, tada choo choo wow!
Men sing: There's a place that is magical, and full of rain.
Women sing: But now it needs help, because it is in pain.
Men sing: Cleaning the earth is a mighty big chore
All: We're spreading awareness like never before!
Getting Gay With Nature is here! [Phattonez is out of step now]
To spread the word and bring you cheer
Let's save the rainforest! What do you say?!
Being an activist is totally gay!
Man: Someday if we work hard, boys and girls,
Woman: There'll be nothing but rainforests covering the entire world!
[Group rush into the audience and bring some members back as new partners]
Getting Gay With Kids is here!
To spread the word and bring you cheer. Yeah!
Move to E flat Getting Gay With Nature!
Let's save the rainforest! It's totally gay!
It's totally gay!
[The choir regroups and Phattonez stumbles into place. The tape is stopped and the subjects just walk away]
Leader: Great job, gang! You were really all over the place, Phattonez.
Phattonez: Yeah, I know, thanks.
Pineconn: I told you, fat people have no rhythm.
Phattonez: Shut up before I shut you up, you butt-sucker!
Darth: [Walking on from off-camera with a taco] No, I think he may actually be right.
Phattonez: No! That- that's just a stereotype!
Darth: Yeah, but... maybe you don't have any rhythm? [Zoom in on Phattonez's horrified face]
[The next day, the sun is rising over a sea of green, the canopy of the rainforest. Pan down to the choir group, touring the forest with Pablo leading them on]
Pablo: This is now secondary rainforest we are entering. Notice the canopy of foliage.
Leader: Oh, it's everything I ever dreamed it would be!
Phattonez: Man, it's hot out here. [Looks over at Darth, who's wearing a leather coat] Aren't you roasting in that thing?
Darth: No.
Phattonez: How come?
Darth: Sith Lord. How many times..?
Phattonez: Right, sorry.
Pablo: [Turns round to face the group] The rainforest is very delicate, and we must take steps to protect it.
Pineconn: [Impatiently] Yeah yeah yeah, take steps to protect it, blah blah blah. [Pablo looks at him] We hear this a million times back at home.
Pablo: Here! Look! These are squirrel monkeys. [Lo and behold, one sits in a tree, resting] Endangered inhabitants of the rainforest.
Kelly: Wow! Isn't he neat, Archy? [Takes a picture]
Archibaldo: ...please don't call me Archy. Makes me sound like a cartoon character.
Leader: Well, Mr. Pedro, this was a great tour, but I guess we should be getting back. We have a big concert tomorrow.
Male Choir Member: I wish we could have seen the Yanogapa.
Pineconn: The who what now?
Leader: The Yanogapa are gentle native people that live in the rainforest, but bulldozers are destroying their homes. Soon, they will have nowhere to go. So we must stop bulldozing the rainforest so that they can live-!
Darth: Oh god, here we go again.
Kelly: AHH! [She hides behind Archibaldo]
Leader: What? What is it?
Kelly: SNAKE! [She points to it, and the group turns and looks at it. Pablo goes up and examines it up close]
Pablo: Oh, yes. This is what we call a coral snake. Notice the red markings. Quite an amazing creature. [Kelly backs further behind Archibaldo, who smiles in a content sort of way] What's the matter?
Kelly: I'm just scared of snakes.
Pablo: No, no. You must remember. This snake is more afraid of us than we are of it. [The snake jumps out of the tree and wraps itself around him, suffocating him] Oh!! [The snake then bites him all over the face, and he falls over]
Leader: Oh my God!! [The snake starts swallowing Pablo]
Pineconn: Yeah. Terrified of us, that one.
Leader: Jesus Christ, is he dead?! [Pablo's bones come out of the snake's anus]
Darth: My guess would be 'yes'.
Leader: Oh no! God no, no! [She spins around] Don't panic, guys. [The snake suddenly jumps at her, but Darth raises his hand and it freezes in mid-air. He closes his hand into a fist and a loud 'snap' is heard, then the snake falls to the ground, dead. He walks over and picks it up]
Darth: Here we go. Now how am I gonna get this thing home?
[The sun sets over the rainforest. The choir leader now guides the group. As they all walk past, we can see that they're scared, but Darth is the only one who's not. He's got the snake wrapped round his neck like a scarf, and he's produced a fedora from somewhere, making him look kinda like the Fourth Doctor (http://www.bbvonline.co.uk/images/edwards/alone_again.jpg)]
Leader: Maybe we came from that way. [She points to her left] No, no. Let's try this way. [She points to her right and moves that way]
Kelly: Arch... do you think we're gonna be Ok?
Archibaldo: Yeah, we'll be fine. Darth won't let anything happen to us.
Kelly: How can you say that? He's evil!
Darth: [Interrupting] And? Just because I'm evil doesn't mean I automatically want to gut you and use your carcass as a sleeping bag.
Kelly: ...
Darth: Y'know, for example.
Archibaldo: You like us, right?
Darth: Yeah, you're good people. Friends, even. I don't senselessly kill friends for no reason. You're cool. [Wanders off]
Kelly: ...he scares me.
Archibaldo: Nah, he's cool.
Kelly: ...um... can I tell you something?
Archibaldo: Yeah, sure.
Kelly: I... I think I like you.
Archibaldo: Really?
Kelly: Yeah. I mean, I think we communicate really well and everything.
Archibaldo: That-that's great!
Kelly: No it's not!
Archibaldo: Really?
Kelly: See, if I start to like you too much [She looks away] I'm only going to get my heart broken. 'cause we live on opposite ends of the country. [She looks at him again] Once this choir tour is over, we'll never see each other again. [She grabs him and gets emotional] And that would devastate me. [She lets go] So I can't have any feelings for you, I just can't! [She walks away]
Archibaldo: ...dammit!
Leader: Oh great, the sun is setting. We have to find our way out of here quick!
[The sun sets and the moon appears over the rainforest. Lightning flashes and the camera slowly drops to ground cover]
Leader: Ok, everything is just fine, guys. Now it is important that we all stick together. Is everybody still here?
Darth: [In falsetto voice] I'm not.
Leader: Who's not?!
Darth: [In falsetto voice] Me.
Leader: [Catching on] Dammit, now it not the time, Darth!
Kelly: Arch, will you hold my hand? [When she lowers her hand, Archibaldo grabs it, but she looks away] I don't want to get emotionally attached, though.
Phattonez: Oh god! I think I just saw Tony Danza!
Leader: You did not just see Tony Danza, Phattonez. Christ.
Darth Marsden
07-10-2007, 04:33 PM
...continued...
[The next day, and the sun is rising over the Centro Nacional. A rooster crows. A maasive stage is prepared for the Save the Rain Forest summit. It looks like an amphitheatre, with a scaffold holding ten speakers over the stage and bullhorns atop the pillars. Balloons and a Save the Rain Forest banner are also anchored to the scaffold]
El Presidente: [On stage, giving instructions] Bueno, bueno. Pongan el arcoiris al lado de las tortugas muertas. (Put the rainbow next to the picture of dying sea turtles) [The worker moves along]
Translator: [Approaching, horribly late] Buenos dias, Señor Presidente. (Hello, El Presidente)
El Presidente: ¡Amperio hora, el traductor! ¿Está todo bien? (Ah, the translator! Is everything going well?)
Translator: Uh, muy bien. Señor Presidente, um… ¿Usted no ha visto el coro, no, mm-hm bien? (Oh fine, fine… You, uh, haven't seen the choir have you?)
El Presidente: ¡¿QUÉ?! (WHAT?!)
Translator: Parece que anoche no regresaron al hotel... (Well, they never came back to the hotel last night...)
El Presidente:[/] ¡¿Está bromeando?! ¡¡¡Más de cien mil personas atenderan este evento!!! ¡¿Y me dice usted que no tendré a mis chiquitos lindos para que les canten?! [I](You've got to be kidding!! I have over a hundred thousand people coming to this event!!! Are you telling me that I have no choreographed dancers to entertain them?!)
Translator: Estoy seguro que-uh-mmm, que-aaah llegá- llegáran. No se preocupe. Eh, olvidelo, ¿yeah-mbien? (I am sure they'll get here. No problem, forget I said anything.)
[Meanwhile, back in the rainforest, the group rises and marches on]
Kelly: Oh god, we're gonna die out here, aren't we?
Leader: Don't worry, Kelly. We're gonna find our way out of the rainforest and make it back to the concert in time. We just need to respect our mother rainforest so that she will respect us.
Pineconn: Hey, you've got a bug on your back.
Leader: Oh, really? Could you brush it off? [She turn around so we can see her backpack, and a huge insect half her size growls on it]
Pineconn: ...no.
Leader: [Panics] Oh my God, get it off me!! For the love of God, get it off me!! Oh my God!! [The insect growls and falls silent] Oh-okay, guys. We must understand that the insects of the rainforest help the delicate balance of life here. [She sees the insect, still on her back] Oh my God!! [She runs off]
Phattonez: Man, this place sucks more then Paris Hilton.
Darth: Woah! Let's not go abusing the Paris Hilton card, huh?
Pineconn: Actually, I think he's got a point. This is pretty crappy.
Darth: Ok, let's put it to the vote. [To the rest of the group] Hands up all those who think this situation sucks more then Paris Hilton. [About four hands go up] There. See? Abuse.
Phattonez: Man, she must have been putting in overtime to suck this much.
Leader: [Returning] Ok, now let's try to listen to what the rainforest tells us. And if we use our ears she can tell us so many things. Perhaps-
Archibaldo: Incoming! [A soldier clutching an AK47 enters the area. The choir leader waves at him]
Leader: Oh thank goodness! Hello, sir. We are lost. Can you help us?
Soldier: ¿Qué?
Darth: Oh for heaven's sake... [Steps forward] Nos pierden y requerimos ayuda. ¿Puede usted ayudarnos? (We are lost and require assistance. Can you help us?)
Soldier: Sí, ciertamente. (Yes, certainly.)
Pineconn: Hey, tell him I want a burrito. Necesito burri-tos.
Darth: What?
Phattonez: Hey, I don't want a burrito. I want a taco. Supreme.
Darth: Look, I can't just...
Archibaldo: I want two tostadas and mild sauce.
Darth: Shut up!
Leader: Much as I hate to do so, I have to side with Darth here. Not every Spanish person eats tacos and burritos. That's a stereotype.
Darth: One that's true, but stil. [The soldier points a way out with his thumb]
Leader: Guys, he wants us to follow him! Oh, thank God! I think this ordeal is over! [They leave]
[The group arrives at a military camp deep in the rainforest. Soldiers go about their maneuvers. They pass a small barbed-wire bunker]
Archibaldo: ...this doesn't look very safe.
Phattonez: Yeah, I think we should get out of here.
Choir Leader: Now guys, let's be a bit more 'open-minded'. I read all about this in Newsweek - this is a 'people's army'. They are fighting the fascist policies of their fascist government. [She addresses them] Oh, hello. Do you speak of English?
People's Army Leader: Who are you?!
Choir Leader: Oh, wonderful! We were lost, and it is such a great coincidence we found you. You see, we're here to protest the government-sanctioned raping of your rainforest. [The soldiers just stare] We are fighters, just like you. Could you help us get back to San José? [Again, no response] Um... Oh, I know! Perhaps you would like a gift.. Well, we only have one gift to give. The gift... of song [She moves aside as the others in the choir groan and get into position] Phattonez, for the love of God, do the right choreography... [The group starts doing the silly dance, but Phattonez is still out of synch with the others] Phattonez, please! [The group starts singing the first line of the song, but...]
People's Army Leader: Enough!
Choir Leader: Well, we hope that our gift of song has warmed your hearts.
People's Army Leader: We're not getting gay with nature, alright?
Choir Leader: Uh, ok. Soooo... do you have a phone we could use?
People's Army Leader: [Giggles] Yes, we have a phone. It's right over there next to the 12-person jacuzzi. [He and the rest of his men laugh] Now get out of here before we kill you!
Choir Leader: [Sullen] Is it because of the fat guy's dancing?
Phattonez: Hey!
People's Army Leader: [The soldier next to him cocks his shotgun] You white Americans make me sick! [He emphasizes his disgust with thumps on the table] You waste food, oil, and everything else because you're so rich, and then you tell the rest of the world to save the rainforest because you like its pretty flowers!
[Two Costa Rican soldiers can be seen behind the gasoline barrels. They pop up and open fire. The people's army immediately responds, and bullets fly everywhere. The group screams and Darth automatically reaches for his sonic screwdriver lightsaber]
People's Army Leader: [Waving the group away] ¡Rapido, rapido!
Leader: Run guys, run!
[Back in San José. The translator and El Presidente are standing backstage, watching the audience coming in]
El Presidente: ¡¿Donde putos está el coro?! ¡El espectáculo comienza pronto! (Where the hell is our choir?! The show is supposed to start soon!)
Translator: No se preocupe, El Presidente, estáran aqui. Este evento es muy importante para que la maestra del coro se lo pierda. (Don't worry, El Presidente, they'll be here. This is too important for the choir teacher to miss.)
[...and back to the rainforest again. The group is currently walking along a river bank somewhere]
Leader: Hello? Anybody? Help!
Male Choir Member: Wow, look at the pretty flower. [He stops by to touch a huge yellow flower with blue support on a large green stalk]
Leader: Oh nonono, Jake. That fragile flower is very delicate, okay? [Before she could finish the sentence, the flower wraps its petals around Jake and pulls him off the floor]
Jake: Augh! Help! [The choir leader quickly grabs his feet and manages to pull him out. Covered in green saliva, he huddles in a cornere, shivering. The rest of the group stops and decides now would be a good time to take a break]
Kelly: [Depressed] I wish I were back home in bed.
Archibaldo: Yeah, me too. Preferably with you, but whatever.
Kelly: [Smiling] You're funny.
Archibaldo: I'm also sweet, kind and gentle, depending on who you ask.
Kelly: [Realizing and turning away] Oh, but you're only going to leave me!
Archibaldo: Dammit!
[Back in San José, the reporters for the telecast have arrived and are in position, ready to report. Sorry guys, no Anthony this time]
Short Reporter: We're here live in San José, Costa Rica, where hundreds of rich Americans have gathered for the Save the Rain Forest summit. Everyone is here so they can feel good about themselves, and act like they aren't the ones responsible for the rainforest's peril.
Slim Reporter: That's right Bob, and of course the main attraction today is the choir 'Getting Gay With Nature', all of whom must be backstage preparing at this very moment.
[Back to the rainforest, where the terrain looks very familiar...]
Leader: Oh, there's just no end to this place! I think maybe we're going in circles. Oh, dear God! The summit starts in an hour; I'm gonna lose my job! [Another large insect roars behind her backpack, and she jumps] Aaaah!
Darth: Ok, y'know what? I've had enough of this. [He starts to walk off in another direction]
Leader: Where are you going?
Darth: [Stops and turns round] I'm going this way.
Leader: Woah no! I'm the senior member of this group, and I say we go this way.
Darth: Look. You can stay over here, but I'm going over [Points in the opposite direction] heya.
Leader: Dammit Darth, stop stirring up trouble!
Darth: Ah - you here, me heya. Screw you guys, I'ma going home.
Leader: Good! You deserve to die, you little bastard! [The others watch him leave in silence] Darth, we have to stay together!
Darth: [Moving through the rainforest] God-damned stupid hippie activist! I'm a freakin' Sith Lord, I know what I'm doing. Should be at home right now watching Space Precinct and eating crisps, not stuck in this fu- [He finds himself at a clearing full of bulldozers moving wood around] Ha! Freakin' A! [He rushes towards the bulldozers]
[Back at the river, the others look tired]
Pineconn: Hey... maybe Darth was right.
Archibaldo: Yeah. I mean, he is a Sith Lord and all.
Leader: No! [Puts her head in her hands] The Spirit of Maya has told me to go this way.
[The clearing again. Darth reaches one of the work tables that the workers are using, and starts acting weak]
Darth: You... you've gotta help me... so weak...
Foreman: Who? What are you doing here?
Darth: I was with my group... we got lost in the rainforest... I need food... fast...
Foreman: Lost in the forest? Oh Christ! Where? Where are they?
Darth: Food... need food... [Collapses]
Foreman: Oh my God! Get this guy some food, quick!
Darth: [Lifts head] Chicken Wings. [Drops it]
Foreman: Chicken Wings!
Darth: [Lifts head] Medium Spicy. [Drops it]
[Back in San José. The crowd are getting restless and are chanting and yelling. Backstage, El Presidente and the translator are looking on nervously]
Crowd: Start the show! Start the show! Start the show!
El Presidente: La gente está ansiosa. Dentro de poco, se alborotan y empiezan a tirar chorchadas. (The activists are getting anxious. They will start throwing things soon.)
Translator: Estoy seguro que llegáran. Eh-solo poquito mas de tiempo. (I'm sure the choir will be here. We just need a little more time)
El Presidente: Bueno, voy a entretenerlos con mis chistes de Polacos. (Well, I will try and amuse them with my Pollace Jokes.) [He heads for center stage]
Translator: Mbien.
El Presidente: [Reaches the mike] ¿A cuantos Polacos les toma a comerse un burrito? (How many Pollacks does it take to eat a burrito?) [The crowd is silent. He holds up two fingers] Dos. (Two.) [Seeing no reaction, he laughs, then tries again] ¿A cuantos Polacos les toma a manejar a Panamá? (How many Pollacks does it take to drive to Panama?)
[Back in the rainforest, the choir keeps walking]
Leader: Oh God, this is a nightmare! We're never going to make the festival!
Phattonez: Hey, look over there. Isn't that smoke? [A column of smoke is indeed seen floating above the canopy]
Leader: Yes, yes it is! Well spotted! Come on! [They rush towards the column and find a small campfire]
Archibaldo Hey, it's a fire. That means there must be people. [The shrubs around them rustle, and they face the shrubs. Some big-lipped dwarves surround them]
Leader: My god... t's the Yanogapa. [Speaking to the dwarves] Do not be afraid. We are not here to tear down your rainforest. [The group is surrounded by spear-bearing Yanogapa men]
Yanogapa 1: Damtilié?
Yanogapa 2: Damtilié.
Leader: [Marveling as the Yanogapa start to dance] Look how they live in peace with all living things. Gentle, noble... [Suddenly realizing what their dance means] Run for your lives!
Pineconn: Holy crap! [They all run]
Yanogapa: [Giving chase and throwing spears] Damtilié! Damtilié! Damtilié!
Phattonez: [Damtilié!] Jesus Christ!
Leader: [Damtilié! Damtilié!] Run run ruuun! A huge insect lands on her backpack and roars. She looks back and the insect flies away] Waaah!
Kelly: [Tripping over] Aaaaa! Arch!
Archibaldo: [Going back for her] I've gotcha. Let's go! [They run on, but end up in a bed of quicksand with the others]
Phattonez: What the hell?
Pineconn: We're sinking!
Leader: It's quicksand, people! [The Yanogapa warriors leap with excitement. Damtilié...]
[The Yanogapa village. Heads of unfortunate trespassers hang on poles. An abandoned camera is among them. Further on, the choir is found seated around a campfire... tied up individually]
Pineconn: All we ever heard growing up was, "Save the rainforest. The rainforest is fragile"!
Phattonez: Yeah! Fragile my ass!
Kelly: Arch, if we make it out of this, I want to be your girlfriend. Even if we do live in different places, I don't care! [She snuggles up to him, the lucky bastard]
Archibaldo: Aw, hell yeah!
[The Yanogapa men are apparently no different than other men. They have dressed the choir leader in a skimpy home-made red-and-white cheerleading outfit, complete with pom-poms, then strung her up between two trees. They dance around her, chanting 'Damtilié']
Leader: [put off] Ok, now just what the heck is going on here, people? [a giant Yanogapa rises from the brush and his voice rumbles across the rainforest. She responds] AAAAA!!
Kelly: Oh no, that big thing is going to screw her!
Leader: All right, that does it!! [The men stop dancing] Screw these stupid-ass rainforests!! This place sodding sucks!! [The giant Yanogapa is shocked] I was wrong!! Screw the rainforest!! I hate it, I hate it!!
Pineconn: Oh, NOW she figures it out.
[A bulldozer suddenly appears, driven by the foreman]
Forman: Quick! Everybody help these guys!
[More bulldozers enter and spread out. The workers go after the Yanogapa and chase them away. The guys brighten up considerably. One bulldozer scoops up a group of Yanogapa and crushes them against a tree, killing them, then backs up over a coral snake, crushing it to bits, then rolls forward over a large insect, crushng it]
Phattonez: Sweet as!
Foreman: [Cutting the ropes off the group] Come on! Let's get you back to civilization!
Everyone: YEAH!!
Leader: [Being cut down by a worker] There is a God!
[Later. The choir leader is back in her regular clothes and sits on a gasoline barrel. Phattonez sits on another one, and the rest of the group take positions all over the bulldozer. All sip lemonade]
Leader: How did you know where we were?
Foreman: Your little friend helped me out.
Leader: Darth?
Leader: [Walking into shot and sitting down] You owe me BIG for this one.
Leader: What exactly are you guys doing out here, with all this construction equipment?
Foreman: We're clearing out big sections of the rainforest for a lumberyard.
Leader: Really? Great!
Foreman: You mean, you don't mind?
Leader: No, I hate the rainforest! You go right ahead and plow down this whole freakin' thing!
Foreman: Oh! Well, nice to meet someone who doesn't think we're evil!
[San José. The choir is now at the Save the Rain Forest summit stage]
Summit Host: And now, here to teach us about the rainfoest is Getting Gay With Nature! [The crowd applauds]
Leader: Does everybody remember the new lyrics? [The group nods yes] And…
The New Lyrics!
Tootin' tootin' to, tada choo choo wow!
[Men sing] There's a place called the rainforest; it truly sucks ass.
[Women sing] Let's knock it all down and get rid of it fast.
[Men sing] You say 'Save the rainforest', but what do you know?
[All sing] You've never been to the rainforest before.
Getting Gay With Nature is here!
To tell you things you might not like to hear.
You only fight these causes 'cause caring sells.
All you activists can go screw yourselves!
Male Activist: That was so inspiring.
Female Activist: What a wonderful message.
[Man sings] Someday if we work hard, boys and girls,
[Onscreen caption reads:
Each year, the Rainforest is responsible for over three thousand deaths from accidents, attacks or illnesses.
[Woman sings] There'll be no more rainforests left in the entire world!
[Onscreen caption reads:
There are over seven hundred things in the Rainforest that cause cancer.
[Man joins her] World!
[Onscreen caption reads:
Join the fight now and help stop the Rainforest before it's too late.
Getting Gay With Kids is here!
To spread the word and bring you cheer. Yeah!
[Move to E flat] Getting Gay With Kids is here!
Let's knock down the rainforest! What do you say?!
It's totally gay! It's totally gay!
erm2003
07-10-2007, 04:49 PM
I love this episode. Another classic Darth! Keep up the good work!
Archibaldo
07-10-2007, 05:53 PM
Was that the episode with Jennifer Aniston doing the voice for one of the choir members?
Majora
07-10-2007, 07:01 PM
What was the name of that episode? Or it's number. I remember watching it once.....
erm2003
07-10-2007, 07:45 PM
Rainforest Shmainforest is the actual title of this episode. Yes it was the one with Jennifer Aniston as the guest star. It was well done. Can you believe that episode was all the way back in season 3?
biggiy05
07-10-2007, 08:27 PM
With thanks to biggiy05, for reasons that nobody else shall never ever know. So there.
I need to watch that episode again.
Great story as always.
Darth Marsden
07-11-2007, 02:48 AM
Thanks guys. More info about the original episode (and a cough*download*cough) can be found here (http://www.southparkstuff.com/season_3/episode_301/).
Pineconn
07-11-2007, 05:02 PM
Vera' nice!!! (Yes, as always.) I'm running out of things to say here, so, as I've done a few months ago, it's haiku time!
"This story is great.
Very, very, humorous.
Not a moment late."
Poetry sucks.
biggiy05
09-01-2007, 09:36 PM
*poke*
Stop having a real life and a job. Write some more stories! If I get this laptop before quarter starts I need something to do on campus between classes.
Darth Marsden
09-07-2007, 05:23 PM
Laptops suck. Show me one that can play Half-Life 2 and I'll show you a brick to the head.
Episode XI - Bang-Bang-A-Boom
[The AGN Cafe once again. Everyone's sitting down, chatting to each other, while Archibaldo is busy texting someone, presumably Kelly. War Lord walks on to the now familiar stage at the front]
War Lord: Ok, now I know you're all anxious to get out there and enjoy the summer, but before you do, we've got one of those 'War-Lord-needs-money-so-we're-gonna-give-a-boring-speech' things, and nobody's going anywhere until-
Darth: Standing up and pointing] Hey! It's Enrico Polazzo!
War Lord: What? [Turns round to look] I don't see... [Turns back round, only to see everyone's vanished] ...y'know, I'd be mad if I hadn't myself to blame for this.
[Outside, the guys are all running around in t-shirts and shorts, while the ladies have stripped down to bikinis and stupidly over-sized sunglasses that look ridiculous and I hate them oh god I hate them why do people keep buying them when they look so stupid augh life sucks but I digress 'cause they're all wearing them and there's nothing I can do to change that. Focus on Darth's group, which consists of the man himself (wearing combats rather then shorts), Pineconn, Sam Atoms and The Cyborg, all of whom have Ice Creams - with flakes!]
Darth: I don't normally enjoy summer, but given that I'm not actually working this year, I think I might this time.
Sam Atoms: Yeah, this is gonna be great!
Pineconn: Let's go grab some fieworks. I wanna try the new M-80s.
Darth: Hell, I'm always up for buying some explosive firepower.
[The group wanders over to the Fireworks stall that's been set up near Bitchin' Pond]
Stall Owner: Hey guys, what can I getcha?
Pineconn: We wanna buy some M-80s.
Darth: Yeah, about a hundered or so, whatever you've got. [The others look at him] What? Voice-over work for commercials pays big time.
The Cyborg: I KNEW it was you advertising chewing gum!
Darth: Which is ironic, considering I never use the stuff.
Pineconn: ...so yeah, 100 M-80s please.
Stall Owner: Sorry guys, no can do.
Pineconn: What?
Stall Owner: Fireworks have been banned in small-time communities.
Sam Atoms: Say what?
Stall Owner: Yeah, it's all over the papers. [He hands the group one and they read it]
The Cyborg: Oh come on! We can't shoot highly combustible projectiles just 'cause some kid from Zelda Classic blew his hands off?
Stall Owner: Yup.
Darth: So, so weak.
Pineconn: A summer without fireworks is like… I don't know, but it's like... it sucks ass!
Sam Atoms: Yeah, now what are we gonna do?
Stall Owner: [Pulls out a fireworks box and takes something out] I can still sell snakes. [He lights one up, sets it down, and watches it grow]
All: Augh.
[The AGN Cafe. War Lord is sitting behind his desk, while Breaker and SUCCESSOR are standing around him trying, and failing, to look like they're doing something useful rather then just stand around trying not to look like they're trying, and failing to look like they're doing something useful. Or something. War Lord is busy yelling at someone on the phone]
War Lord: It's ridiculous! Everyone here is totally responsible! We shouldn't stop them from using fireworks just 'cause so immature little punk who can't even get laid decided to play with himself and got his fingers blown off as a result! ...yes, I'm fully aware of how sexual that sounds, that was the point! ...dammit, what are we supposed to do for entertainment around these parts now? ...what? ...no, we don't want sodding snakes! ...that's all you can come up with? That's pathetic! Get me the owner of this place! ...yes, I know that, I was being ironic! [Hangs up] Ugh. Now what?
SUCCESSOR: [Stepping forward to make it look like he's doing something useful rather then standing around and so forth] Look, what's wrong with snakes? Maybe if you got a few and lit them together, you could do something with that.
Breaker: [Also stepping forward so that it doesn't look like he's trying, and failing, to look like he's all the rest of it] Yeah, you could have a race with 'em or something.
War Lord: Dammit guys, stop standing around trying to look useful and actually be useful for once! We need something big, something to grab people's attention, something... wait. Big... [He hits the desk with his fist and stands up] I've got it! AGN will make history by having the largest snake in the world!
[Back outside with the gang, walking down a street. They all have Slush Puppies]
Darth: Man, it's hot out here.
Pineconn: So what do you guys wanna do? We've got the whole summer.
Sam Atoms: What are we supposed to do? We always just play with fireworks.
Pineconn: ...we could go sunbathing.
The Cyborg: You're kidding, right?
Sam Atoms: Seriously, like I care whether I have a tan or not.
Pineconn: Ok, how about we go down to Bitchin' Pond and ogle all the hot chicks in bikinis?
Darth: What, all three of them?
Pineconn: Yeah!
Darth: Well, given that they're all spoken for, I'd find that utterly pointless. Pineconn: ...play baseball or something?
The Cyborg: Yeah, we're not really the 'playing' type.
Pineconn: Fine! Let's just do what we always do, go inside and play Mario Kart!
Darth: Normally I'm all for that, but it's summer! And what do we get in summer?
Sam Atoms: Hot babes?
Darth: Besides them.
Sam Atoms: Pasty white guys?
Darth: Besides them.
Sam Atoms: ...screen glare?
Darth: Screen glare. And what does screen glare mean?
Sam Atoms: ...um...
The Cyborg: A reduced gaming experience.
Darth: Exactly!
Pineconn: [Throws his hands up in dispair] Augh!
[The group walk past a demonstration headed by gdorf. They stop and listen as he rants on]
gdorf: ...I mean, it's absurd! How do they expect us to enjoy summer if they won't let us use fireworks?
Crowd: Yeah!
gdorf: And I think we all know who we have to blame for this, right?
Crowd: Yeah!
gdorf: That's right! The Mexicans!
Crowd: Huh?
gdorf: Yeah, the Mexicans, who made the damned firework that blew that kid's hands off! [The crowd are silent] So you know what we should do? [More silence] We should get rid of all the Mexicans!
[The crowd disperses, mumbling to themselves about how stupid gdorf is. The gang walk on, but Darth stays still as he realizes something.]
Darth: Of course! Everything's legal in Mehico! [He runs off]
[Back to War Lord's office. Along with Breaker and SUCCESSOR, there's now a man dressed in a suit next to a flipboard, on which is a large 'DynoMight Fireworks' logo]
Suit: At the DynoMight Firework Company, we hve a commitment to excellence. Our focus is on safety while th-
War Lord: Yeah, could we skip the introduction and just get to the action please? I really can't be assed today.
Suit: Uh, Ok. [To himself] Let's see. [He turns the pages up and over. Page 1: Dyno Might Safe and Spicy. Section 1: Introduction. Section 2: Safety Features. Section 3: We Value The Customer...] Ah, right. Now the disk that we are making is approximately 5000 times bigger than the average snake.
War Lord: Mm-hmm.
Suit: We'll have to fly it in with three Comanche helicopters and lower it onto the ground at the lake.
War Lord: [Taking notes] ...Comanche helicopters...
Suit: [Flips the page] Then we'll need 57 flamethrowers, all set up around the perimeter of the disk, that are all triggered to fire at the same time.
War Lord: ...flamethrowers... same time...
Suit: [Flips the page. A giant smiling snake is shown rising out of the disk] Once lit, the snake will grow. [Flips the page, and a vaudevillian is shown] And good times will be had by all. [The others clap]
Breaker: Well, that's very impressive.
SUCCESSOR: I can't see anything going wrong with this at all.
War Lord: Well, there we go. Sorted. Thank you very much for your time.
Suit: Not at all. [He packs up the flipboard] I'll just let them know you've given it the go-ahead then?
War Lord: Absolutely. You'll be in touch?
Suit: They certainly will. Have a good afternoon. [He leaves, bumping into gdorf on his way out]
War Lord: gdorf? Get in here right now. [He does so] Damn it all, what the hell is wrong with you? Mexicans are not bad people!
gdorf: Show me ONE that's done something decent for society! Just one!
War Lord: Oh for god's sake, go see a freakin' shrink!
[Back to the gang. They're at the beach, building sandcastles out of dirt which utterly fail to stay up any longer then 10 seconds]
The Cyborg: Man, this is lame.
Pineconn: Yeah, but at least we're out of the house.
Sam Atoms: Big deal. I've got sunburn, a headache and a mouthful of dirt.
The Cyborg: ...ugh. Screw this, let's go grab something cold and sugary.
Sat Atmos: I hear that! [They abandon their dirtcastles and head for one of those stalls that sells everything at ridiculously high prices]
Pineconn: Man, these guys are always so expensive. You guys got any cash on you?
The Cyborg: No. Darth normally extorts all the stuff we need.
Pineconn: Oh yeah. I wonder where he got to.
[Cut to Darth, a contented look on his face as he cruisin' down a desert highway in a bitchin convertible, the wind in his hair and an awesome guitar riff pumping into the air as the sun sets down over the dunes to the west. It's awesome.
Back to Bitchin pond. War Lord, along with his two lackeys, is out here anxiously checking his watch and checking a pile of papers he's got attached to a clipboard]
War Lord: Dammit, where the hell is my firework?
Breaker: I'm sure it'll be here any second.
War Lord: Oh, shut up.
Breaker: [Moves his mouth, but no sound can be heard] (Yes sir).
War Lord: Very funny.
[War Lord moves to clip Breaker round the ear (actually, how do you clip someone round the ear? Is it when you hit someone on the side of the head just above the ear? 'cause that sounds like it'd hurt) when the sounds of a helicopter can be heard. He stops and looks up]
SUCCESSOR: It's the snake, sir!
War Lord: And about freakin' time, too! Alright, let's get this show on the road!
SUCCESSOR: Yes sir!
[Pan over to the gang, who all have cans of differently flavoured carbonated beverages and are looking up at the snake]
Pineconn: Man, that thing is awesome!
The Cyborg: Yeah, Darth is really missing out!
Sam Atoms: [Aside to The Cyborg] I'm getting really fed up of these links - couldn't we come up with something-
[Back to Darth, who pulls up his car to a giant superstore-type building. He gets out, locks the car with a *beep*beep* and looks up at the store as the camera moves round behind him and we see what he sees. The sun is just off to the right of the building and it's giving off a beautiful lens flare, and we can just see the store's logo - Tierra Del Cohete. A subtitle reads [I]Land of Rockets. Darth walks into the store and inside... yep, it's just like a supermarket. Shelves filled with missiles, grenades, fireworks, you name it. Darth wanders over to the Servicio De Cliente desk (Customer Service Desk) and one of the aides smiles at him]
Darth: ¡Bueno tarde, mi amigo! (Good evening, my friend!)
Aide: Bueno tarde. ¿Cómo puedo ayudarle? (Good evening. How man I help you?)
Darth: ¿PodrÃ*a usted dirigirme al M80s, por favor? (Could you direct me to the M80s, please?)
Aide: Ciertamente. Están abajo del pasillo 17, al lado de los lanzadores portables del cohete. (Certainly. They're down Aisle 17, next to the portable rocket lauchers.)
Darth: Perfecto. Gracias. (Eh, you figure it out.) [Darth grabs a trolly and heads down into the store, a grin on his face and, presumably, a song in his heart]
[Action News 24 time!]
Anthony: Well, we're well into summer and although the fireworks ban has shut down most 911 emergency callouts, it certainly hasn't stopped one town from getting in the mood, as people from all over the place are flocking to AGN. Here with a special report is a normal-looking guy with a funny name.
Creamy Goodness: Thanks, Anthony, it looks like the firework ban won't be putting a damper on one town's festivities tonight. I'm here at Bitchin' Pond in AGN, where the crowd of residents and scores of tourists anxiously await the lighting of the largest snake in human history. [Some of the folks have picnic blankets set out] Now, as most of you will probably remember, snakes are these little round disks that you light, and they spew out a little snake of black ash. Well, the AGN snake is over half a mile in diameter, and twenty stories high. I'm told that this event won't begin until the sun goes down and night is upon us. [So it is said, so it is done] Well alrighty then, looks like we're ready.
War Lord: [Stepping up to a pre-placed microphone] Right, well we're all ready, so let's light this sucker! [Everyone cheers as various other AGN members all step forward and fire up the flamethrowers]
Crowd: Ooooo! [The snake begins to bulge] Aaaah! [War Lord is pleased with the results]
War Lord: Heh, Darth's missing a sight and a half. [War Lord looks at SUCCESSOR] Ugh. I can't believe I just said-
[Mexico, near the border at night. Darth is driving by an abandoned truck on his way to the border. He looks over the car, which is literally stuffed with enough firepower to destroy a small planet. He pulls up to the border patrol and looks him in the eye]
Darth: Evenin' all.
Agent: Evening. I just need to ask you a few questions before I can let you through.
Darth: Not a problem.
Agent: Is anyone other than you traveling in this vehicle?
Darth: Nope.
Agent: Do you have any firearms or explosives in... the... [Sees the fireworks and other assorted nuclear devices] Uh... what's that?
Darth: [Waving his hand] Coffee filters.
Agent: [Stares at Darth for a few seconds] Uh... that kinda looks like the entire arms supply for Iraq.
Darth: [Waving his hand again] Well, it's just coffee filters.
Agent: No, I'm fairly certain there's more bombs here then Ben Affleck's CV.
Darth: [Waving his hand furiously] COFFEE FILTERS.
Agent: Ok, you're coming with me.
Darth: Ah man, the one person in freakin' Mehico.
Agent: Yeah, well that's why I'm a Border patrolman and you're just a jailbird. Now get out the car and put your hands on the bonnet!
Darth: So, so weak.
[Bitchin' pond. The crowds are still cheering and the snake is still growing]
War Lord: My God, it's beautiful. It never fails to amaze me how I manage to overcome adversity. [The snake is still growing, and War Lord gets a little concerned] Hey, when does that thing die out?
Suit: Die out?
War Lord: Yeah. You know, expire, end. [The suit just stands there] Hello, I'm asking you when it stops!
Suit: Umm. I'm... not sure. We never made one this big. I guess we didn't quite think this thing through, did we?
War Lord: What?! [The snake is now a pillar, rising into the sky]
Sam Atoms: Man, that thing is huge!
Pineconn: Yeah, I think they need to shut it off already.
[The crowd is now alarmed as well as awed. Grumbles are heard and people start packing up their picnics. A piece of the ashen snake breaks off and the main pillar lies down and starts moving through the crowd]
War Lord: Oh my God! [He grabs the suit] Tell me how much longer this thing is gonna last!
Suit: [Counting on his fingers] Ok, let's see... At normal speed, a snake lasts three minutes, so times that by... carry the three... divide by zero...
War Lord: HOW LONG?
Suit: Uhh... November. Of next year.
War Lord: ...oh.
Darth Marsden
09-07-2007, 05:25 PM
...continued...
[Super Sexy Action News 24!]
Creamy Goodness: Well, we're coming up on nine hours, and the giant snake of AGN shows no signs of stopping. Residents have tried everything from firehoses to yelling at it to make the snake stop. But nothing seems to work.
Anthony: Thanks, Creamy. Police are advising all citizens to stay indoors, not breathe the ashen air, and to not ever light any giant snakes in the near future.
[The snake is now some thirty feet wide and moving down AGN's main thoroughfare, incinerating everything in its path. You'd think this'd look pretty cool, but it really, really doesn't]
The Cyborg: Well this sucks. Can't even go down to the pond anymore.
Pineconn: Screw that, we gotta stop this thing! It's gonna demolish the whole state if we don't!
Sam Atoms: Well what the hell are we gonna do?
Pineconn: What we always do - ask Darth.
The Cyborg: Oh yeah. Give him a call, he'll know what to do. [Aside to Sam Atoms] Well that one wasn't so-
[Cut to Darth, lying down on a bench, whistling a merry ditty to himself. Zoom out to reveal he's in a prison. His phone starts ringing and he answers it]
Darth: Darth Marsden, Dark Lord of the Sith, what can I kill for you today? [A high-pitched voice comes from the phone] Giant snake? What giant snake? [Whiny voice] Well why the hell would you do that? It's obviously gonna grow a massive line of black ash that'll destroy everything in its path, I mean honestly! [Whine whine whine] Well yeah, but it's just such a dull way of killing everyone, you know? No fun. [A whining we will go] You want me to... oh no, you got yourselves into this mess, you deal with it. Seriously, how could you not think of the ash? [Whiner, it's the code word...] Ok, hanging up now... you have fun now. [He hangs up the phone and tucks it back into his coat. The prison guard comes by and looks in on him]
Guard: Do you have a phone on you?
Darth: [Waving his arm] Yes. [The guard looks at him, shakes his head and walks away. Darth resumes his whistling]
Sam Atoms: [Watching Pineconn put his phone away] So, what'd he say?
Pineconn: Yeah, we're on our own with this one.
The Cyborg: Ah man, weak!
[Super Sexy Not In Any Way Topless Action News 24!]
Anthony: All over the forums, the effects of the giant ash snake of AGN can be seen. [On a map of some random blob of a 'country' behind him, the snake is shown having separated into four snakes. The first has gone through the Northwest. The second has gone into the Great Plains and is headed for the East Coast. The third has gone down into the South, and the fourth has gone through the Southwest]
[Meanwhile, in Utah, Mormons are gathered at a river to welcome new members into the Church. Baptism, you know]
Preacher: Yea, let the Spirit of Heavenly Father be blessed upon you. [He dunks the catechumen into the river]
Assistant: From this day on, all will be well. [The new member pops up]
New Mormon: I already feel like things are getting better. [The snake comes and engulfs them all]
All: Aaaaa-[Oh, well, never mind. Let's check in with New York!]
gdorf: ...and it's not as if I actively hate all Mexicans... [We fade in and see gdorf lying on a psychiatrist's couch. Well, it was only a matter of time] ...it's just that I don't see them contributing anything to society and it makes me wonder... what's the point of having them here if they don't do anything useful?
Psychiatrist: Ok, well that's one way of looking at it.
gdorf: No, that's how I see it. Christ you're irritating.
Psychiatrist: Now it's best if we don't insult each other during these sessions.
gdorf: Eh, whatever.
Psychiatrist: So tell me, when did you first start feeling this way?
gdorf: ...when I realized that Mexicans in this country aren't doing anything but lying around and collecting benefits. It's not like I have an irrational hatred of Mexicans, I can back everything up with facts and figures.
Psychiatrist: Alright, but let's say we put those aside for the moment and get to the real issue of what you're feeling.
gdorf: I'VE JUST TOLD YOU THAT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!
Psychiatrist: Now anger is a perfectly normal emotion, don't be afraid to let it out.
gdorf: Yeah? Well you're an utter waste of a human being. You've repeatedly ignored everything I've told you and constantly tried to find some vital defect in me that simply doesn't exist. You are a sad, lonely, pathetic shell of a man who has nothing better to do then overanalyze his patients in a hopeless attempt to find some real connection with someone. You're a hollow, empty figure of a person who should pack everything in and move to Hawaii so you might actually get laid once in a while, 'acuse I bet that'd straighten you up good.
[The psychiatrist looks hugely insulted. Snake Two bounds over several buildings, knocking them off their foundations. It smashes through the psychiatrist's window and pins him]
Psychiatrist: AaaaAAaaAaaaAagh! [His eyebrows burn off, then the rest of him burns up. The snake does not touch the sofa]
gdorf: [Stands up and points at the remains] Serves you right, you idiot.
[Back in Darth's prison cell. Another prisoner has been placed inside his cell, and he's banging at the bars, crying and screaming]
Prisoner: For the love of god, take me back to my own cell!
Darth: I warned you not to cross into my half, but oh no, you just had to see what made the others so damned curious, didn't you. Well, now you know. Happy?
[Snake Three makes its way to the prison and suddenly smashes through the wall of the cell, incinerating the prisoner. Darth jumps up, surprised] ...oh for the love of... haven't they stopped this thing yet?
[Super Sexy Not In Any Way Topless Or Featuring Any Actual Sexual Activity Of Any Kind Action News 24!]
Anthony: [On loaction once more, outside the AGN Cafe] As more and more forums are affected by the growing ash and the death toll rises to 3000, [A tree inexplicably falls over] people from all over the 'country' are looking to the ruler of AGN for answers. [The Cafe's door open and War Lord step forward] And it appears as if the man himself is going to explain matters now.
War Lord: [B][Stepping forward to a prepared microphone] Ahem. I have a statement here which I will now read. [He gets out a piece of paper and looksat it for a few seconds] 'I'm sorry. Our bad.' [He puts the paper away] Thank you, that is all. [He turns and heads back inside the Cafe]
[Back at Bitchin' Pond, the guys are all sitting under the shade of the ash playing cards]
Sam Atoms: How many days left in summer?
Pineconn: A lot.
The Cyborg: Man, this sucks. Summer totally sucks ass.
Pineconn: Like it matters. This thing [He points at the snake] will probably kill us long before summer ends.
Sam Atoms: Fingers crossed. [Darth's convertible pulls up]
Darth: Word up, bitches. [He gets out] What's goin' on?
The Cyborg: Nothin'. Just waiting for the inevitable slow agonizing death that comes from being so retarded that we build a giant snake and let it destory half the world.
Darth: Yeah. [He looks up at the snake] Still can't believe you did that. Still, if we're all gonna burn, might as well have some fun before we go. [He pulls out the car key and pops open the trunk] Who's for more explosives then a Michael Bay film? [Fireworks practically fall out of the car]
Pineconn: Seriously? Sweet! [They all run over, grab a bunch of stuff and set it off]
The Cyborg: [Watching the rockets go off] Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout!
[Gradually all the rockets head for the snake. Upon impact, the snake falls apart, and the base of it loses its fire. Ash now rains down upon everyone]
Sam Atoms: Hey, look!
Darth: Heh. Honey, we blew up the snake. [A crowd starts to gather]
Random Man: They put out the snake! Yeah!
War Lord: [Suddenly appearing] Uh, yeah, it-it looks like my plan to, uh blow up the snake worked perfectly!
Darth: ...you're so full of crap, Lord.
The Cyborg: Hey... it's snowing. [And so it is... kinda]
Pineconn: It's snowing black ash. ...ah, what the hell. Ashball fight!
[Everyone starts playing in the ash. Soon there's guys sledding down mounds of ash, people building ashmen, the mods are having an ashball fight and everyone is covered in the stuff. It's a riot, and it feels strangely familiar...]
The Cyborg: Winter's back! [He gets thwaked by an ashball by Darth]
Darth: Boo-ya!
Prrkitty
09-08-2007, 09:30 PM
As usual... most wonderful job Darthy :) Sorry I'm late responding... we picked up Pauls best friend from college at the airport last night. He'll be here for 2 weeks. I promise I read it hon. Thank you very much for all your effort.
Pineconn
09-08-2007, 09:59 PM
Outside, the guys are all running around in t-shirts and shorts, while the ladies have stripped down to bikinis and stupidly over-sized sunglasses that look ridiculous and I hate them oh god I hate them why do people keep buying them when they look so stupid augh life sucks but I digress 'cause they're all wearing them and there's nothing I can do to change that.
If I had been drinking something at the moment I read this, I would have likely covered my computer moniter with several fluid ounces of Coke due to the spontaneous fit of laughter this sentence has brought forth. And, it's a completely true statement. :D
Darth! Excellent (as always) chapter! I have no idea what to type here anymore!
The_Amaster
09-08-2007, 10:13 PM
If I had been drinking something at the moment I read this, I would have likely covered my computer moniter with several fluid ounces of Coke due to the spontaneous fit of laughter this sentence has brought forth. And, it's a completely true statement. :D
If I had been drinking something at the moment I read this, I would have likely covered my computer moniter with several fluid ounces of Coke due to the spontaneous fit of laughter this sentence has brought forth. And, it's a completely true statement. :D
You know what your next project should be Darth?
AGN: Bigger, Longer, and Unmoderated!
Darth Marsden
09-09-2007, 03:32 AM
Are you insane? That'd take a solid week's worth of work! Like I could stay the course that long. Besides, I kinda have my eye on a couple of other SP episodes first.
Maybe after them though. But no promises!
Pineconn
10-02-2007, 03:14 PM
Encore! Encore!
:rude:
Darth Marsden
10-02-2007, 03:44 PM
Jeez, give a guy a chance to download the entire run of Star Trek, why don'tcha...
Pineconn
10-02-2007, 03:51 PM
Nah, can't letcha' do that. :p
...Wait, every single episode of Star Trek? Cripes, that has to be a decent download.
Darth Marsden
10-02-2007, 04:05 PM
Ok, so Enterprise. Whatever.
Seriously, I'll do this in the morrow, 'cause I'm going to bed now.
The_Amaster
10-02-2007, 07:48 PM
Sleep. Bah, sleep is for the weak.
Ah well, I can wait a day. Until the morrow, Darth.
Pineconn
10-02-2007, 10:08 PM
Being ⅓ of the way around the world, his "morrow" will be sooner than ours. Hm.
and I loathe mobile phones.
Thank you. You're one of the first to share the same ideology as me on cell phones.
Darth Marsden
10-03-2007, 12:04 PM
...and again.
Episode XII - No Win, No Fee, No Soul
[It's another day in the AGN Cafe. People are still chatting away to each other (except Archibaldo, who's on the phone to his ho girlfriend again) as War Lord makes his way to the now familiar stage at the front]
War Lord: Ok guys, quiet now. [People settle down] Right. Now since you skipped out on the last one, anyone who cuts out on our latest speaker will instantly be banned for a month. So sit down and shut up!
Pineconn: [Aside to Darth] Man, he really needs to stop drinking so much coffee.
War Lord: Now I've had one or two requests to make clear that calling people gay is not cool, which leads me to out latest speaker, who i thought would be midly entertaining. Everyone welcome Petey, the Sexual Harassment Panda. [Petey enters, and he's exactly as his name implies - a giant panda]
Petey: [Starts singing]
Who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree?
Sexual Harassment Panda.
Who explains sexual harassment to you and me?
Sexual Harassment Panda.
"Don't say that! Don't touch there!
Don't be nasty!" says the silly bear.
He's come to tell you what's right and wrong.
Sexual Harassment Panda. [Stops singing and looks at the crowd] Hi, boys and girls. [Everyone is silent] Did you know that when one little panda pulls on another little panda's underwear, that's sexual harassment? That makes me a sa-a-a-a-ad panda [He drops his head to one side as he says this]
Amaster42: Ok, this is a little creepy.
Petey: And when one little panda puts his furry little willy in another panda's ear, that makes me a very sad panda. [He gets some literature from off the stage] Now, I'm going to pass out these booklets, and we're going to go through each and every sexual harassment law.
Everyone: Augh!
[The same location, some time later. Everyone looks disheveled and bored. A caption appears on screen and reads '5 Hours Later']
Petey: [Reading from the book;et] "Article 36, Section 19: One panda may not make sexual comments about another panda's appearance. If said panda does make..."
Hypercrash:Ugh. I'm not gonna make it. Someone just put me out of my misery.
Darth: Gladly.
Gleeok: Guys, be quiet. I'm trying to listen.
Darth: Seriously? What the hell is wrong with you?
Gleeok: I said shut up, you little ass-sucker!
Darth: ...what did you call me?
Gleeok: An ass-sucker. It means you suck ass. You see an ass, you suck it. You're an ass-sucker.
Darth: [Standing up, indignant] That does it! I am suing you for sexual harassment!
Petey: [Looking up from his booklet] Uh-oh.
Gleeok: You-you're kidding, right?
Darth: No! You have sexually harassed me for the last time! It says right here [He points to the booklet in his hand] that now I can sue you and take all of your money.
Petey: Uh, yeah, he can.
Gleeok: Oh come on! You can't do this to me, you miserable little cock bandit!
Darth: [Points at him] He did it again! You all heard! Sexual abuse! I'll see you in court, mister!
War Lord: [To Petey] This can't be right... can it?
Petey: [Reading from his booklet] The first party of the first panda may sue the second-party panda unless that panda was said panda aforementioned panda.
[A courthouse, later that day. The right honourable Starkist enters the Judge's pit (it is called that, right?) and a few people take seats. Darth and Gleeok are sitting at the front, sifting through papers and generally trying to look like they're doing something]
Starkist: Ok, this is Darth vs. Gleeok, Case No. 3433. What's the problem, Darth?
Darth: Uh, could we hang on just a minute, your honour? I think my lawyer is outside beating up a schoolkid for his lunch money. He'll be here any second.
Starkist: Eh, whatever. I get paid by the hour, doesn't bother me none.
Gleeok: [Aside to Pineconn, who's sitting behind him] He got a lawyer? Who'd want to represent a Dark Lord of the Sith?
Darth's Father: [Entering] Sorry I'm late, your honour.
Gleook: Your dad's a lawyer?
Darth: Of course he is, he's evil.
Starkist: All right. Let's get this thing over with, shall we? Now Darth, you claim that Gleeok here sexually harassed you.
Darth: Ah, that's correct, your honour.
Gleook: Oh whatever.
Darth: He talked about performing oral sex on my sphincter.
Gleook: I called you an ass-sucker!
Darth: Yeah, that was it. I was suh-so upset. [He sniffs, his dad comforting him] I couldn't concentrate the rest of the day. And the way his eyes kept looking at me, slowly going up and down my body, like he was undressing me with his eyes. [He hides his face in his father's coat and begins sobbing]
Gleook: What?! You call people names all the time, you son of a bitch!
Darth: [Tears streaking down his face] YOU LEAVE MY MOTHER OUT OF THIS!
Darth's Father: As you can see, your honour, my client is clearly too upset to continue.
Starkist: Damn, he's good. Alright Gleook, whaddya got to say to that?
Gleook: ...what?
Starkist: Your defense. You did come prepared, right?
Gleook: ...uh, no. I just thought you were gonna side with me 'cause Darth's an asswad.
Starkist: ...Ok, this looks pretty open-and-shut. Gleook, under the new Sexual Harassment laws, I find you guilty of all charges.
Gleook: WHAT?
Darth's Father: [Gives Gleook the finger] Ha!
Starkist: Since the defendant has no monetary resources, it is the judgment of this court that 50% of Gleook's belongings are to be handed over to Darth Marsden
immediately.
Darth: Oh, sweet as!
[Gleook's house. Darth is present with his father as a couple of collector's go round the place. Gleook looks in in anger]
Darth: Uh, let's see. Oo, that TV looks pretty sweet, I can put that in my bathroom. [One of the collectors picks it up and carries it out] Um... and let's see, what else... [He turns to Gleook] Hey, do you like that stereo?
Gleook: Uh, yeah.
Darth: Oh, well, I'll just take that, then. [One of the collectors grabs it] ...and how about those paintings on the wall? You particularly attached to them?
Gleook: ...uh, no, I hate those.
Darth: Oh, then you won't mind if I take them! [The collectors take them down and carry them over to Darth's dad]
Collector: Here you go. As your legal fee you can choose between the green meadows or the dogs playing cards.
Darth's Father: Hm. I'll have the meadow. [He walks over to Darth] You know Darth, I've been thinking...
Darth: What, the batteries? Yeah, that'd be pretty mean.
Darth's Father: No. I mean the people really responsible for your harassment is this place. [Darth looks through Gleook's drawers] Perhaps we should sue the guys who run it next.
Darth: Uh, why? I like War Lord, he's pretty cool.
Darth's Father: Well, because he's the one that let this harassment go on. And, he has a lot more money. I think we could get a lot more out of this than half of Gleook's belongings.
Darth: Huh. Well, I guess I am but the apprentice compared to you... [One of the collectors picks up a can and presses a button on it] Ooo, Gleook's asthma inhaler! I want that!
[The courthouse, day. The gavel sounds. Darth Marsden vs. AGN, The Immediate Party]
Starkist: Answer the question. Did you know that sexual harassment was going on in the Cafe?
Breaker: Well, no more then the rest of the universe, no.
Starkist: Do you even know the meaning of sexual harassment?
Breaker: We all know the freakin' meaning! Stupid Sexual Harassment Panda...
Darth's Father: Look. So did you, or did you not, hear my client being called an ass-sucker?
Breaker: Yeah.
Darth's Father: And you did nothing.
Breaker: No.
Darth's Father: Why?
Breaker: Couldn't be bothered.
[Later that day. Darth Marsden vs. AGN, The Responsible Party]
Darth's Father: War Lord, were you aware that my client was being harassesd at your facility?
War Lord: Like Breaker said, no more then the rest of the world.
Darth's Father: So you admit that harassment DOES take place?
War Lord: What? No, you're putting words in my-
Darth's Father: So it DOESN'T? Make up your mind!
War Lord: Well, I guess it does a bit, but-
Darth's Father: So it DOES go on!
War Lord: All right, all right, I killed him. I hit him over the head and I cut up the body. I tried to burn him, but it wouldn't burn! Oh, the smell of it! I put the legs in garbage bags and hid the torso under a bridge. I HAD TO DO IT!! [He beaks down on the stand] OH GOD!!!
Darth's Father: War Lord, was Darth Marsden called an ass-sucker, yes or no?
War Lord: [Composes himself] Hmm? Oh, well yeah, I think so. [The audience murmers]
Audience member: That's sexual harassment.
[The courthouse, still later. Darth Marsden vs. AGN, The Expert Witness]
Darth's Father: Last, I'd like to bring up my expert witness: Petey the Sexual Harassment Panda.
Petey: [He sings and dances as he goes to the stand]
Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow tree?
Sexual Harassment Panda.
Darth's Father: Expert witness, did AGN allow sexual harassment to go on?
Petey: Well, when one little panda asks another little panda to perform oral sex, that is sexual harassment.
Darth's Father: And who's to blame?
Petey: I'm afraid the law states that the place of residence, in this case the AGN Cafe, must be held responsible.
Darth's Father: There! You have it! Straight from the horse's mouth!
Petey: Panda.
Darth's Father: Panda's mouth.
[Darth Marsden vs. AGN, The Verdict]
Starkist: After careful review, it is the judgment of this court that the moderators of AGN pay Darth Marsden $1.3 million in damages.
Darth's Father: All right! We did it!
Darth: [He takes his jacket off and twirls it around as he sings]
It's time to celebrate, yeah. It's time to celebrate, yeah!
[Darth's house. It is literally bigger now - 50% taller, wider, deeper... Same with the garage, itself bigger than the house to its right. Furniture movers come by with new furnishings for the new, big house. Two delivery men take a big-screen TV into the house]
Darth's Dad: Yeah, that goes in the master bedroom. [Darth walks up] Well, I think we did good. What do you think of your new house?
Darth: It's... big.
Darth's Dad: Yes, it is big, isn't it? It's very... big.
Darth: ...yeah. Listen, Dad, perhaps you can help me with something.
Darth's Dad: Sure. What's up?
Darth: Well, you know Math was never my strongest point, right?
Darth's Dad: Yeah, you always did have a few problems with that. Not that it mattered, you being a Sith Lord and all. [He waves to the delivery men, who are carrying a sofa into the house] Careful with that! It cost more then you make in a month!
Darth: ...right. But see, here's where I get confused. If AGN has to pay us $1.3 million, where exactly does that money come from?
Darth's Dad: Well son, forums have lots of money. You see, we all pay subscriptions, and most of that subscription money goes to the forum you're subscribing to, and it's from that money that we got our 1.3 million.
Darth: [Thinks for a moment] ...and you don't see a problem with that?
Darth's Dad: No. It's a very fragile system that nature has designed. All things flow into each other.
Darth: Oh, that's the biggest load of bull I've heard since 'Don't worry, I'll pull out'.
Darth's Dad: Just look at our house. Look at it! It's huge! Seriously, don't worry. It's all cool.
[The AGN Cafe, some days later. All the chairs and tables are gone, and the stage has been replaced by an old milk carton, which War Lord is curently standing on]
War Lord: Ok guys, now I know there's a few changes going on, but don't worry, things will still go on as normally as possible. Now I know most of you have a few questions, so we'll go with a show of hands. [Nearly everyone's hand shoots up] Uh, yes Amaster?
Amaster42: Why do we have to sit on the floor?
Pineconn: Yeah, and how come the only thing we can order costs $300?
War Lord: Alright, well, a lot of cuts have had to be made since our normal source of funding is a little short due to lawsuits. And seriously, that is some of the finest toast you will ever eat and it's totally worth point 3 kays.
Gleook: Dammit Darth, you see what you've done?
Darth: Hey, all I know is that I craved justice. And justice bought me this sweet Fedora [He pulls one out of his coat and puts it on] actually worn by Harrison Ford.
VEL: Wow! I wanna sue somebody!
Dechipher: Me too. I wanna get a lawyer!
Everyone: Yeah!
[The offices of Sith Lords and Jackson. Darth's Dad is in his office looking out the window. His briefcase is open. Music starts for a commercial]
Darth's Dad: [Turns around] Guys! Are you tired of being harassed? Sick of being called a homo? A farty-pants? A butt-face? Then call me, Darth's dad, and I'll help you [He slams his briefcase shut] close the lid on sexual harassment!
VEL: After a guy tried to put his tongue in my mouth, I knew I needed legal help. Darth's dad helped me get a $1.6 million settlement, and this bright new shiny motorbike. Thanks, Darth's dad! [Revs the bike and rides away]
Dechipher: [On a yacht, The Litigator, sunning himself] Darth's dad got me 1.4 million, and he can do it for you, too. Just look at all these beautiful girls! [Four of them come to cater to him]
Darth's Dad: So call me, Darth's dad. Because it's not about money, it's about... no wait, it is about the money. Right? Ah, who cares, just call me! [He jumps for joy. This shot is frozen as the jingle is sung]
Singers: Folks picking on you? Well, don't be sad.
Just sue their asses with Darth's dad! [The text 'Call now! 1-555-SUE THEM' appears at the bottom of the screen]
[An AGN Moderators Meeting is taking place in War Lord's office. Everyone's sitting on the floor while War Lord is reading from what looks likt the back of a pizza box]
Breaker: Ok, what other cuts do we have to make?
War Lord: Uh, well, next is Tom Morris. He plays Sexual Harassment Panda.
PrrKitty: Oh, god. Well we sure as hell can't afford him anymore.
Breaker: Guys, I did a little research on this guy, and... well, he takes his job a little seriously.
Petey: [Enters the room] Hello, sexual harassment cubs. [Starts singing]
Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow tree?
Sexual Harassment Panda.
PrrKitty: Uh, have a seat, Mr. Morris.
Petey: Who?
PrrKitty: Oh, right. Sorry. 'Sexual Harassment Panda'.
Petey: Oh, all right. [He looks for seat, realizes that there aren't any and sits on the floor]
War Lord: Now Mr. Morris, we here have been thinking, and we've decided that perhaps a 'panda' isn't the best way to explain sexual harassment to our members. [Petey's head tilts]
PrrKitty: You see Mr. Morris, we believe that a panda doesn't really have anything to do with sexual harassment. [Long pause] At all.
Petey: I'm afraid I don't understand you, cubs.
Breaker: Well, ever since you came here and explained about sexual harassment, everybody's gotten it into their heads to sue each other and now now we can barely afford the clothes on our backs. So, basically, we want you to get the hell out.
Petey: Oh. [He rubs his eyes] I'm a sa-a-a-a-ad panda.
[Back at the courthouse, we get to see the lawsuits fly. At the moment, it's AtmaWeapon vs. MrCow]
Starkist: MrCow, it is the judgment of this court that you sexually harassed AtmaWeapon.
MrCow: Ah, no way!
AtmaWeapon: Yeah, chew on that! [Gives MrCow the finger]
MrCow: This is ridiculous!
Starkist: Look, you asked Atma to suck your... you know what. You've gotta give Atma half your stuff, and the forum must give him 1.6 million.
War Lord: [PrrKitty and Breaker sits with him] Oh dear God!
Darth's Dad: Damn, I'm good!
Starkist: Next!
[Old-skoool vs. Mottzilla. They go to their respective podiums]
Mottzilla: Yeah, this guy touched my thigh.
Old-skool: I accidentally brushed it in the hall!
Starkist: Half his belongings, forum is sued for 2.1 million.
PrrKitty: We're ruined!
Starkist: Next!
[biggiy05 vs. punkonjunk1024. They go to their respective podiums]
punkonjunk1024: Uh, he commented on the shape of my ass.
biggiy05: I was talking about someone else!
Starkist: Half his stuff, 2 million from the forum.
Breaker: Oh, this is pathetic!
Starkist: Next!
[AtmaWeapon vs. MrCow. They go to their respective podiums]
MrCow: That guy made a suggestive gesture to me.
AtmaWeapon: It was the finger!
Starkist: Half his stuff, 1.9 million from the forum.
War Lord: Oh, come on!
Starkist: Next!
[Back at the AGN Cafe, moocow has gathered together a bunch of people, and she's up on the box talking to them]
moocow: Ok guys, now we've gotta come up with a way of stopping all these lawsuits! So who here has any ideas? [We see her view of the group, with Darth's dad standing at the back of them] Uh, mrz84, how about you? Any ideas?
mrz84: Um...
Darth's Dad: [Admonishing] Don't answer that!
moocow: O-kay... how about you, Warlock?
Warlock: Uh... [Darth's dad whispers in his ear] Oh, ok. I refuse to answer that wuestion on the grounds that it may incinerate me. [Darth's dad whispers in his ear again] Oh, right. Incriminate. Sorry.
moocow: Ok guys, I'm having a real problem with you having lawyers! It's really disrupting things for everyone! [Darth's dad approaches and whispers in her ear] Uh huh. Ri- oh, uh oh, I see. Oh, okay. Ri-ight. [Darth's dad leaves] Guys, what I meant to say is that I fully condone you all having lawyers and support your legal recourses in every way. Now, let's get back to the whole lawsuit issue, if that's okay with you?
Darth Marsden
10-03-2007, 12:06 PM
...continued...
[Sometime later, the gang is siting in a corner of the Cafe. They're the only ones there, except for majoras_wrath, who is, for some reason, standing by the enterance dressed like a waiter]
Pineconn: Man, this place has been so quiet lately.
Gleook: Everyone's probably off spending all their ill-gotten gains.
Darth: Is there any other type of gains to be gotten? [He waves to majoras_wrath, who approaches the group]
majoras_wrath: Hey guys, what can I get you?
Darth: Yeah, I think I'll have some of that toast, thanks.
majoras_wrath: Yeah, you know they've had to raise the price of that, right?
Darth: Really? By how much?
majoras_wrath: Uh, well, it's two and a half thousand now.
Darth: [Standing up, outraged] WHAT? Why the hell would they charge so much for a piece of heated bread?
majoras_wrath: It's the lawsuits! They're trying to raise as much money as possible!
Darth: Well, that's just a step too far! Something has to be done!
Amaster42: You don't have two and a half grand, do you?
Darth: ...no.
Gleook: What the hell did you spend it all on?
Darth: I got to make a fifth series of Enterprise.
Amaster42: Really? Can I see it?
Darth: No, I'm still sorting out the rights.
Pineconn: Well, at least you're spending your money on something sensible. But even so, you're right - something does need to be done.
Gleook: Yeah! About flippin' time.
Darth: Alright, alright. Let's see what War Lord has to say.
[The gang get up and walk over to War Lord's office. As they enter, War Lord screams and runs over to the corner, where he curls up in a ball and starts rocking back and forth]
Amaster42: Woah. What's up with him?
Gleook: I bet it's lawsuit related.
War Lord: No more lawsuits... no more lawsuits!
Darth: Relax, we're not gonna sue you.
War Lord: Re-really?
Darth: Well, not right now, anyway. [War Lord goes back to his rocking] I'm kidding! I think the whole fad's over.
Amaster42: Yeah, it's definately run its course.
War Lord: Honest? [The group all nod] Oh, thank god. I quite literally have no money left at all.
Darth: Yeah, sorry about that.
War Lord: [Getting up] Oh, I don't blame you. If you hadn't done it, someone else would have. At least you put the money to something productive.
Darth: Heh, yeah. I really should give them a call, see how filming's getting on.
War Lord: You do that. Me, I wanna find that sodding panda. I blame him for this whole mess.
Pineconn: Oh yeah, Sexual Harassment Panda. We should totally find him.
[Meanwhile, at The Big Company...]
Company rep: Well. Your credentials are very impressive, and you do seem to have a lot of ambition, but I'm afraid there's no room for you at our comapany at this time.
Petey: It's because I'm a panda, isn't it?
Company rep: Well, it's not because you're a panda. It's because you're a sexual harassment panda.
Petey: I can't help what I am.
Company rep: Yes, well have you ever heard of a retreat called 'The Island of Misfit Mascots'?
Petey: Well yes, but that place is for loser mascots that make no sense.
Company rep: Well, uh, yes. the thing is, they may be... just what you're looking for.
Petey: I don't have to sit here and listen to this! How would you like a big panda punch in your puss?
[Super Uber Sexy Action News Report 3000!]
Anthony: As sexual harassment lawsuits increase all over the state, the mother of all trials is set to begin. The sexual harassment case of Everyone vs. Everyone begins tomorrow. No matter what the outcome, the forums are sure to lose at least a whopping $30 million. Representing the side of Everyone is Darth's Dad, the lawyer from AGN who plans to make quite a commission. Representing the side of Everyone Else is Darth's Dad. So whatever the outcome, things look very bright for Darth's Dad. Personally, I think Darth's Dad is just a whore, taking advantage of everyone in town and... [A note is handed to him] This just in! Newscaster Anthony Brasel is being sued by Darth's Dad for slander. The newscaster has yet to be reached for comment. Wait...
[Some nameless bar in the middle of nowhere. A jukebox is playing some depressingly suicidal music. Petey sits at the bar, and three unsavory patrons, two of them seated, study him]
Jukebox: Some days just seem lonely
Still, there don't seem to be no end in sight...
Barkeep: Another scotch? [Petey nods affirmatively, and the barkeep serves up another scotch. Petey sips]
Jukebox: So I'll drive this ol' 18-wheeler down the highway...
Skeeter: Hey! Panda bear! [Petey lowers his drink to look at him] We don't take kindly to your types in here!
Barkeep: Now, calm down, Skeeter. He ain't hurtin' nobody.
Skeeter: NO! [He approaches Petey] I wanna know som'in' from Mr. Panda Bear here! If you pandas are from mountainous areas of China and Tibet, how come you eat bamboo, which is prone to grow only in drier, more arid regions? [Petey has no answer]
Barkeep: Now Skeeter, I don't want no trouble now.
Petey: It's ok. I get it. There's no room in the world for pandas. Well, you don't have to worry about me! I'm off to the Island of Misfit Mascots! [He rises, throws some money on the bar and goes out the door. Skeeter watches him go]
Barkeep: Damnit, Skeeter! How come every time a panda bear come in here you gotta go flappin' your jaw?
[Darth's house. It now has massive front doors, five stories, and a water fountain just to the right of the doors. The garage itself is bigger than the house next to it. More furniture arrives]
Darth's Dad: [Notices Drth arrive] Well? What do you think?
Darth: ...what was wrong with the old house?
Darth's Dad: Well, nothing. But this one is BIGGER!
Darth: Yeah. Listen, about tomorrow's trial, Everyone vs. Everyone.
Darth's Dad: Hmm?
Darth: Ok, you need to stop it. Right now.
Darth's Dad: What? Why?
Darth: 'cause it's seriously gonna screw everything up.
Darth's Dad: Y'know what? I need to explain something to you.
Darth: No Dad, you don't. You just want more money then everyone else, I get it.
Darth's Dad: That's not it at all. Y'see, we live in a liberal, democratic society. And Democrats make sexual harassment laws. These laws tell us what we can and can't say in the workplace. And what we can and can't do in the workplace.
Darth: [Sighs in a tired fashion] Isn't that fascism?
Darth's Dad: No, because we don't call it that. Do you understand?
Darth: Do you?
Darth's Dad: Dammit son, just look at how big this house is. Look at it! It's even got a heated pool now! Are you seriously telling me you don't want a heated pool?
Darth: Not if it means everyone I know has to spend the rest of their lives eating stale bread and sleeping in cardboard boxes! [Storms off]
Darth's Dad: [Yelling after Darth] Cardboard boxes are surprisngly comfy, y'know!
[Meanwhile, Amaster42, Gleook and Pineconn enter the bar. The three patrons are still there]
Pineconn: 'scuse me.
[I]Barkeep:[I] What can I do for you?
Pineconn: Somebody told us they saw a big panda bear in here.
Barkeep: Big panda bear, big panda bear, hmm...
Skeeter: Hey! Kid! We don't take kindly to your types in here!
Barkeep: Now, calm down, Skeeter. They ain't hurtin' nobody.
Skeeter: NO! [He approaches Stan] I wanna know som'in' from Mr. I'm Just A Little Kid here! How come you types are always wearin' them funny white headphone things and bobbin' your heads back and forth?!
Gleook: ...because we're listening to MP3 players?
Barkeep: Now Skeeter, I don't want no trouble.
Patron with hat: [Pointing at Amaster42] We don't take kindly to your types around here!
Amaster42: What the hell is going on? [Darth enters the bar]
Skeeter: [Pounds the counter] We don't take kindly to strangers!
Darth: Yeah? Well I don't take kindly to you!
Patron with hat: [Pointing at Darth] Well, we don't take kindly to folks that don't take kindly around here. [They look anew at each other, and nothing more is said among them]
Pineconn: Ugh. Thanks Darth. Any luck with your dad?
Darth: Nope. Any luck here?
Amaster42: Hang on. [To the barkeep] Look, did you see a panda in here or not?
Barkeep: Alright, he was here. He said somethin' about the Island of Misfit Mascots.
Gleook: Where's that?
Barkeep: If I'm not mistaken, it's over near the Jenkins place.
Pineconn: Come on, let's go. [The gang make their way past the men and leave]
Skeeter: Whoa! Look at her! [A blonde sits alone at the bar] Hey! Beautiful woman! [She sips a beer and lowers the bottle] We don't take kindly to your types around here!
Barkeep: Now Skeeter, she ain't hurtin' nobody.
[The courthouse, the next day. Everyone vs. Everyone begins. Everyone is chattering in the audience]
Starkist: This is Case No. 47g, Everyone vs. Everyone. [He bangs his gavel, and all fall quiet] Representing the side of Everyone is Darth Marsden Senior.
Darth's Dad: Thank you, your honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Everyone has committed a crime here, and Everyone must pay for that crime. My client, Everyone, has been hurt by this crime and must be compensated.
[The Island Of Misfit Mascots Commune. The gang has, finally, reached the front gate]
Gleook: [Reads] 'Island Of Misfit Mascots Commune'. This must be the place. [They enter and are quickly approached by a man in a worm costume]
Willy: Hello there, boys.
Pineconn: Who the hell are you?
Willy: I'm Willy, the 'Don't Stare Directly Into The Sun' Worm. Now, you boys know not to stare directly into the sun, right?
The Gang: Yes.
Willy: That can burn your retinas and make you blind. [He pulls out some shades and a cane, puts on the shades, and sticks the cane out, to simulate a blind person, then puts his props away]
Anaster42: Yeah, thanks for that. [A man in a pig costume rushes up snapping two pairs of scissors around]
Oinky: Oink oink! Be sure to run around with scissors, says Oinky, the 'Run Around With Scissors' Pig.
Gleook: I thought you weren't supposed to run around with scissors.
Willy: That's why he's on the Island Of Misfit Mascots. [Oinky walks away]
Pineconn: Look, have you seen any panda bears?
Willy: Hm... [A man in a falcon costume shows up behind the gang]
Jimmy: Hey, kids! I'm Jimmy, the 'Don't Hold On To A Large Magnet While Someone Else Uses A Fan Nearby' Falcon!
Amaster42: What.
Jimmy: Here, watch. [He hands a large magnet to Darth, then walks to a wind-generating fan and turns it on. As the blades rev up, the magnet tugs at Darth]
Darth: Now why in the hell would you give me this? [He throws the magnet at Jimmy, and it catches him round the next. Before he can remove it, he's pulled into the fans of the blade and chopped up into bits. The others look at him in siilence as a man in a fish costume removes the hat from his head and holds it to his chest in respect]
Willy: ...poor Jimmy. I always knew someone would do that to him someday.
Gleook: Hey! There he is! [Petey, the Sexual Harssment Panda, seated on a bench while a whale and an octopus dance to his song]
Petey: Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow tree?
Sexual Harassment Panda. [The gang rush up, and the whale and octopus leave]
Gleook: Are we glad to find you! You have to come back to AGN, quick!
Petey: Why?
Pineconn: Because! Everyone is suing everyone else, and you're pretty much the cause of it all!
Petey: Seems all I do now is cause trouble. [A man in a badger costume walks up to them]
Happy: Hello kids, I'm Happy, the 'Don't Do Stuff That Might Irritate Your Inner Ear' Badger. [There's a long silence as the guys just stare at Happy] Well, I'll leave now.
Gleook: C'mon Sexual Harassment Panda. People listen to you. You have to get them to stop suing each other.
Petey: But, I'm just a panda.
Darth: Dammit all, you're a guy in a panda costume! [All the other mascots within hearing distance turn to see the cause of this outburst]
Willy: [Rushing over to Petey and the gang] Hey, I'm a real worm, pal!!
Darth: No. No you're not. You're just a bunch of very delusional people who should really be on national TV, where you belong.
Willy: You have no right to tell u where we should or shouldn't be!
Pineconn: Dammit Darth, this isn't helping! [To Petey] Ok, let's just say you are a panda. But being Sexual Harassment Panda isn't helping anyone right now. You used to use your panda powers to teach people about sexual harassment. But now you need to teach a new message. A new massage that people will find useful again.
Petey: What message?
Gleook: That people shouldn't sue each other all the time.
Petey: ...You know? You little cubs might just be right.
Pineconn: Yeah!
Petey: [Jumps up and stands] Ok!
[The courthouse. Closing arguments are beginning]
Darth's Dad: Your honor, I'd like to make my closing arguments.
Gleook: [Bursting in] Wait! [The others in the group and Petey follow]
Limzo: Hey, it's Sexual Harassment Panda.
Pineconn: [Facing the audience] No! He's a whole new panda now, and he's got something to say.
Petey: Hello, everyone. I'm Petey the 'Don't Sue People' Panda.
Lilith: 'Don't Sue People' Panda?
Skeeter: [Standing up] Hey! We don't take kindly to folks that don't sue people 'round here!
Barkeep: Now Skeeter, he ain't hurtin' nobody.
Petey: Listen to me: when you sue somebody, it hurts everyone. You sue for money, but where do you think that money comes from? From the schools, from taxes, from the state. From you. [The courtroom is silent, listening] There's no such thing as free money. When you sue somebody, you take money away from parks and schools and charities, and put it in your own pocket. And that makes me a sa-a-a-a-ad panda. [Reactions are seen in the faces of various people in the courtroom]
Master Maniac: I'm a sad panda, too.
Glenn the Great: I'm a really sad panda. I didn't know we were doing all that damage. This is all that damn lawyer's fault! [People get angry at Darth's Dad]
Archibaldo: [Rises] Yeah! Let's sue the lawyer!
All: [Rising] Yeah!
Darth's Dad: [Approaches Petey and the gang] No! Don't you see? The panda's right. Boy, what a great message he has! When you sue people, you just end up causing a lot of problems for society. I've... really learned something today. All I could see was the millions of dollars coming to me and I didn't care about where the money came from. Well, I'm no longer doing sexual harassment lawsuits in schools! They're too vague and two easily corruptible. Thank you, Sexual Harassment Panda!
Petey: 'Don't Sue People' Panda.
Darth's Dad: Yeah, whatever, sooo let's not... sue anyone again. Ok, come on, guys. Let's go get some ice cream!
Petey and the gang: Hooray!
Petey: Pandas love ice cream. [Darth's Dad, Petey, and the gang leave the courtroom]
Starkist: Well, seeing as we have no lawyers, I'm throwing the case out! Case dismissed! [He smacks his gavel and leaves the bench]
Skeeter: [As people in the audience leave] Hey! We don't take too kindly to cases being dismissed around here!
Barkeep: [Passing him] God dammit Skeeter, shut the hell up.
[This is a Public Service Announcement from the people of AGN]
Petey: Hello cubs. I'm Petey, the 'Don't Sue People' Panda, with an important message for you! Lawsuits damage our society. I know it's tempting to make money, but just remember: that money has to come from somewhere. And usually, it ends up hurting a lot of innocent people. So, until next time, don't let frivolous sexual harassment lawsuits ruin our communities. Buh-bye now. [He walks off]
Prrkitty
10-03-2007, 05:48 PM
Darthy... yet again you provide MUCH enjoyment for us! thanks hon :)
The_Amaster
10-03-2007, 07:38 PM
Heh, nice job as always Darth. I always loved that episode.
Pineconn
10-04-2007, 05:42 PM
Interesting.
*snaps out of it*
I have to say, you've conjured up yet another excellent episode. Many laughs, many snickers. Only I think the idea of singing pandas in going to remain in my head for a few weeks... :p
Darth Marsden
12-24-2007, 12:23 PM
Merry Christmas, bitches.
Episode XIII - The Fairer Sex
[The optometrist's office. A penguin sits above the OPTOMETRIST sign. Darth and his mother are waiting in the lobby. Dathis busy tinkering with his lightsaber while his mother is reading a 6-month out of date magazine. A poster off to one side reads 'Real eyes the beauty within']
Darth: [Looking at his watch] Christ Mum, we've been here ages! How much longer is this gonna take?
Darth's Mother: I don't know. But be patient, ok? You have to see the eye doctor.
Darth: Don't know why. I'm a freakin' Sith Lord. You don't see Dark Lords of the Sith walking around wearing glasses, do you?
Darth's Mother: Not unless you count your father.
Darth: No, he wore contacts. Big difference.
Doctor's Assistant: [At the door, flatly] Darth Marsden. [A poster behind her looks like her]
Darth: [Entering the examination room] If this isn't over in 10 minutes, your life is forfeit. [The assistant blinks for a few seconds, then follows him in to close the door]
Optometrist: Hello, Darth.
Darth: [Resigned] Hi, Dr. Lott
Dr. Lott: And how's my Sithy Withy today?
Darth: [Pointing his finger at him] You call me that one more time, and I will strangle you to death with your own intestines.
Dr. Lott: Well, someone's in a bad mood today!
Darth: Look, I'm just here for an eye exam, all right?! Keep the stupid jokes to yourself!
Dr. Lott: Ok, ok. Hop up on the chair. [Darth hops up] Don't corrupt it now!
Darth: I swear to god, when I kill you, angels will descend from heaven and sing my praise.
Dr. Lott: O...k. Let's see how your eyes are doing. [Lowers a refractor to Darth's eyes] All you have to do is read the letters. Can you see the letters?
Darth: Yes.
Dr. Lott: All right, read them out for me.
Darth: I am an evil bastard. Hey! [The optometrist laughs. Darth stands up on the chair and pushes the refractor away] That does it! [He reaches for his lightsaber, only to realise that it's still in pieces in the waiting room]
Dr. Lott: No, no. That, that was just a weird coincidence. [His voice fades as he removes the card from the refractor] I honestly don't know how that happened. [Reads the card] 'I am am evil bastard.' Wow! What are the odds of that? [Throws it away] All right, let's get down to business, shall we? [Places the refractor back on Darth's face]
Darth: Yes, lets.
Dr. Lott: [Begins to calibrate] Hmm, let's see, which is better: one, or two? One, or two?
Darth: They look exactly the same.
Dr. Lott: Just pick one. Or two.
Darth: I don't know, two!
Dr. Lott: [Flips between two women] Okay. One, or two? One, or two?
Darth: Is the second one Jordan?
Dr. Lott: I think so.
Darth: Then one.
Dr. Lott: [Flips between a fluffy little bunny and a landspeeder] One, or two? One, or two?
Darth: Two.
Dr. Lott: No! The answer is one, you little hellspawn! One! [He hits Darth through the refractor]
Darth: Oh, I'm gonna need a new optometrist in a minute.
Dr. Lott: [Removes the refractor] Well, all kidding aside, there is obviously a problem with your eyes. I'm gonna have to dilate them and run some tests.
[Sometime later in the AGN Cafe. Pineconn, erm2003 and Amaster42 are waiting to be served]
Pineconn: I wonder where Darth is?
Amaster42: Yeah. He's nearly always here when he's not with the band.
Pineconn: Hey, when's their next gig? I could do with a dose of heavy rock.
erm2003: I think they're broke up. Or they're working on an album. Or something.
Darth: [Enters with very dilated pupils] Actually Dechipher wanted to work on some solo stuff, so we're just chilling for the moment.
Amaster42: [Squinting hard for a better look] Whoa, what happened to your eyes, man?
Darth: Ruddy eye doctor made them all dilated.
erm2003: Why?
Darth: Why? Well, because he's an idiot, a-a-and that's about it.
Pineconn: Why do you have to see an eye doctor?
Darth: Because, apparently, my eyes suck. But that doctor likes to torture me and I have to go back tomorrow, and I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Amaster42: Hey, didn't Archibaldo have his eyes tested recently? Why don't you just ask him for advice?
Darth: Hey, that's a good idea. [The four leave and head for Archibaldo's pad. Darth walks into several tables as he does so. Eventually, they reach Archibaldo's house. They knock on the door, only to be met by a bunch of black gangstas]
Gangstas: Word up, yo.
Pineconn: Uh...
Gangstas: Whatchu want, playas?
Darth: I'll handle this. [To the gangstas] Hey dogs. Me an' ma crew wanna know where dat foo' who's crib this was is at.
Gangstas: That cracker? He up an' left this pad for that white trash ho o' his, man.
Darth: Fo real?
Gangstas: Straight up, dawg.
Darth: Crazy ass foo'.
Gangstas: Fo shure.
Darth: A'right, much love, brother. Peace out.
Gangstas: Word to yo momma. [They close the door and Darth addresses the others]
Darth: Ok, first of all - we have gangstas now? Sweet.
erm2003: Archibaldo?
Darth: Right. He moved in with his girlfriend. Rebecca, I think her name was.
Pineconn: Kelly.
Darth: Yeah, Which is short for Rebecca.
Amaster42: ...whatever. Where did she live again?
[Sometime later. They're in a completely different city, although which one, we've never been told. Re-read Episode X, see if I'm not right. Anyway. The group approaches a small house surrounded by a garden. Y'know, the sort you see in Better Homes and Garden magazine. Amaster42 rings the doorbell and Archibaldo, wrapped in a lavender towel, opens the door]
Archibaldo: Oh! Hey guys.
erm2003: What the hell are you doing? We've been searching for you for hours!
Archibaldo: I did leave a note with the guys who bought the house.
Pineconn: The gangstas?
Archibaldo: They were gangstas? ...well, that certainly explains a lot.
Amaster42: Look, what's all this about moving in with someone?
Archibaldo: Right, Kelly.
Pineconn: But wait... didn't she think a long-distance relationship wouldn't work?
Archibaldo: Right. But we both really liked each other, so...
erm2003: Well, that's fine, but we have a problem. Darth's got this really annoying eye doctor, and we thought- [Is interrupted by Kelly appearing besides Archibaldo in the doorway]
Kelly: Who is it, dear? [Sees] Oh, hey guys! How are you?
All 4: Bad.
Kelly: Aw! How so?
Darth: Well, apparently there's something wrong with my eyes, but the only eye doctor around is a real bastard. [Kelly stiffens at the word 'bastard', and Archibaldo coughs and leans in to Darth]
Archibaldo: [Quietly - not quite whispering, but not quite talking normally] Listen, do you think you could watch your language around Kelly?
Darth: [Equally quiet] ...no.
Kelly: Well, bad language aside... [She clears her throat] ...I have to say, I think I know the guy you're talking about. And the solution is to just kill him-
Darth: Good as done!
Kelly: ...I meant with kindness. [Darth just stares at her, as if the word was a mystery to him] Y'know, be nice to him? [Darth keeps staring at her] Y'know? [Still staring] ...maybe if we sang it, Archy?
Archibaldo: Yeah, that might make more sense to him.
Kelly: Especially now that he's a big rock star, eh? [The pair laugh as the others look on in shock and horror]
Pineconn: But... you hate the name 'Archy'...
Kelly: Pulls a guitar from somewhere] Now, how did it go? Playing the guitar and singing
There's got to be a morning after
if we can hold on to the night
[Archibaldo: [Joining in]
We have a chance to find the sunshine.
Let's keep on looking for the light.
Darth: Urge to kill rising...
[Sometime later. The group are sitting on the kerb, looking dismayed]
Amaster42: That bitch!
Pineconn: She's stealing Archibaldo from us.
erm2003: He didn't even seem like Archibaldo. He seemed like a empty shell of a man.
Darth: Maybe it's just a phase. We just have to get him alone so we can tell him what a bad influence she is.
Pineconn: Wait, wait. [All pensive like] Maybe, is it possible that we're just jealous because Archibaldo is our friend, and now he's paying attention to somebody new? [The others think about it]
Darth: Yeah, so?
Pineconn: Yeah, screw that bitch.
erm2003: Look, we've just gotta get Archibaldo alone. He won't listen to reason with that hooker around.
Amaster42: Let's find out where he's working and go see him there tomorrow.
Pineconn: Good idea.
[The next day, inside the optometrist's office. Dr. Lott sits in the examination room holding a clipboard]
Dr. Lott: All right, we got the test results back, Sithy-
Darth: [Sitting on the chair, his pupils normal again] Stop calling me that!
Dr. Lott: You've got a small astigmatism that's causing all the problems.
Darth: So, what does that mean?
Dr. Lott: It means, my little Lord of Chaos, that your eyesight is never going to get better.
Darth: [Furious, but valiantly struggling to remain calm on the outside] All right. Right now, I'm gonna be totally serious. Ok? If you call me Sithy, or a Lord of Chaos, or anything even remotely along those lines one more time, I'm gonna leap out of this chair, rip your nuts off with my bare hands and make you choke to death on them. Ok?
Dr. Lott: Well, don't worry. I've got something that's going to make your eyes as good as new. [He puts a pair of blocky glasses on Darth]
Darth: [Seeing how they look and fit] Oh no. Just, no. I am not wearing these.
Dr. Lott: I know, the hardest thing to do is get folks to wear their glasses.
Darth: I'm just gonna take them off as soon as I leave.
Dr. Lott: Well, that's why we have the little stapler. [He takes it out and starts stapling the glasses to Darth's head]
Darth: Ow! You... Right, that's it. You're gonna wake up tomorrow completely limbless! You hear me! LIMBLESS!
[Later on, in a business district looking area, Amaster42, erm2003 and Pineconn are walking down, checking all the buildings]
Pineconn: Ok, War Lord said that Archibaldo works in one of these buildings. [The gang run into Darth in front of Steinburg & Burgstein Accounting]
Darth: Hey guys. [Darth is now wearing a pair of much more fashionable glasses, much smaller then the ones originally stapled to his head]
Amaster42: Hey, nice glasses.
Darth: Yeah, it's amazing what you can do with a blowtorch and a screwdriver.
[The group head inside. Entering, they see the receptionist]
Receptionist: Hello and welcome to Steinburg & Burgstein. Can I help you?
Pineconn: We wanna talk to Archibaldo.
Receptionist: Archibaldo?
Amaster42: He's a big guy, lot of attitude.
erm2003: Would have started fairly recently.
Darth: Totally whipped.
Receptionist: Oh! You mean Mason!
erm2003: Huh?
Receptionist: Third cubicle on the left [He directs them to the work area, where Archibaldo's hair can just be seen over the top of the cubicle. The others move over to him, but the receptionist stops Darth] Hey! Aren't you that cute little kid from Jerry Maguire?
Darth: [Dismissively] Huh? Uh, yeah, sure sure.
Receptionist: Wow! You really got fat. [At this, Darth pulls out his saber and beheads the receptionist. Looking at his work with a satisfied smile, he puts the saber away and joins the others]
Archibaldo: [Realising he has visitors] Oh, hey guys.
All 4: Hey.
Archibaldo: Hey, nice glasses, Darth!
erm2003: Ok, enough pleasantries. You have to dump the bitch!
Archibaldo: Huh?
Amaster42: Yeah, we need you, man.
Man: [Pops up from another cubicle] Hey, Archy, we're gonna run down to the office supply store and get some leather holders for our pagers, you wanna come?
Archibaldo: You bet! [The guy grins]
Darth: Dammit man, this place isn't you!
Archibaldo: Guys, Kelly showed me that I've been living a very empty life. Meaningless sex is fun for a couple of years, but after that, it starts to get old.
erm2003: But we don't like her.
Archibaldo: Why not?
erm2003: ...I don't know. No reason I guess.
Archibaldo: Guys, friends get girlfriends all the time. It's something even you will have to face with each other some day.
Darth: You know what? I don't even care about that. I don't know what to do about my stupid glasses.
Archibaldo: You don't want 'em?
Darth: Not bloody likely.
Archibaldo: Well, then get laser corrective surgery. That's what I did.
Darth: Laser corrective surgery! Now why didn't I think of that? [Smacks head] Thanks!
Archibaldo: See? Everything's gonna be fine. Now how about I meet you guys after work and we can play ball?
All 4: Ok!
[The Forum Games section. The group wait for Archibaldo. Darth carries a bat in his right hand and a baseball in his left]
Pineconn: Archibaldo'll be here any minute.
[Day passes into night, and erm2003 falls asleep. The others stand watch waiting for Archibaldo, but there's no sign of him. The night turns to day, and still no Archy. erm2003 wakes up]
Amaster42: [Pissed] He bailed on us!
Pineconn: [Pissed] I can't believe it!
Darth: That's it. Come on. [They leave the Forum Games section and head for Archibaldo's house.]
[Archibaldo's house, inside. There's a knock on the door and the man himself answers. The boys stand outside, angry]
Archibaldo: Oh! Uh, hey guys.
erm2003: All right, mister! You better have a good explanation for why you didn't show up to play ball!
Archibaldo: Oh, I'm sorry! I completely forgot!
AMaster42: [Sarcasticly] You forgot!
Archibaldo: Kelly surprised me at the office and took me out to dinner. [Dreamily] She's so amazing.
Darth: Yeah? Well, let me tell you something about your precious Kelly, you son of a-
Kelly: [Appears behind Archibaldo] Hey guys!
Darth: Uh, we're kind of having a guy moment here, if you don't mind?
Archibaldo: Guys, I've got some great news for you. Kelly and I are getting married. [DRAMATIC RIFF!!!]
Pineconn: Oh no. No nononononono!
Archibaldo: My whole family's coming here for the wedding, and I want you guys to be there as well.
Kelly: This is so wonderful! Let's sing! [She gets the guitar]
There's got to be a morning after.
Archibaldo: If we can hold on through the night.
We have a chance to find the sunshine.
More after Christmas...
The_Amaster
12-24-2007, 01:00 PM
Ha ha, great as aways Darth. I love it!
Just one mistake...
[The Forum Games section. The group wait for Chef. Darth carries a bat in his right hand and a baseball in his left]
erm2003
12-24-2007, 01:20 PM
Yes! I have become a main character! I love it! Keep up the good work Darth!
Pineconn
01-02-2008, 08:44 PM
This is exactly why some stickied threads shouldn't be stickied. I completely missed your new (yet incomplete) story until just now.
Which was amazing. :giggle:
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