Gather around, bitches. [Archive] - Armageddon Games Forums

Darth Marsden

03-26-2007, 09:19 AM

[Day. A crowd is gathered under a "Memorial Service" banner located in the middle of a street and listens to Father War Lord as he delivers a service. Darth Marsden, Glenn The Great, Beldaran and Lilith are there among the crowd, in their funeral best]

Father War Lord: Friends, we gather in this place to mourn the victims of yesterday's tragedy: nine good people who were run over in the street by an elderly woman driver.
Darth Marsden: God, this is boring.
Glenn the Great: You insensitive asshole! Nine people died!
Darth: Yeah, but 8 of them were Star Trek fans. Who cares about Star Trek fans? Star Trek sucks.
Lilith: What, sucks like Episode I or Episode II?
Darth: ...shut up.
Father War Lord: It is sometimes hard, in times like these, to understand God's way. Why would he allow nine innocent people to be run down in the prime of their lives by a senior citizen who, perhaps, shouldn't be driving? It is then that we must understand, God's sense of humor is very different from our own. He does not laugh at the simple "man walks into a bar" joke. No, God needs complex irony and subtle farcical twists that seem macabre to you and me. All that we can hope for is that God got his good laugh and a tragedy such as this will never happen again.

[Screeching tires are heard. Franpa runs into the crowd]

Franpa: Elderly driver! ELDERLY DRIVER!

[People panic and start running as an elderly driver runs his car into the middle of the street. He runs over several people and crashes into a light standard at the other end of the street]

Elderly Driver: Did I just hit a pot hole?

[CUT TO: Television News Report. A splash screen shows various correspondents and anchors, and a globe spins in front of the montage. Y'know, like in all self-important news reports]

Anthony: Another series of deaths tonight by a senior citizen motorist. Barney Calhoon of New Mexico, Carl Johnson of San Andreas and Miles Prowler of Mobius were killed instantly when struck by a vehicle driven by Pete Malman, who was trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet. This latest tragedy comes only two days after the accident in Deer Creek, where three construction workers and a bulldozer [Shown] were run down by senior citizen Paul Thom [Shown, irate], who was trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet. Public outcry is forcing the DMV to consider suspending the licenses of all seniors over seventy, where Pineconn is live. Pineconn?

[CUT TO: Pineconn, reporting from the DMV]

Pineconn: Thanks Anthony. I'm standing outside of the Department of Motor Vehicles, where officials have just declared that Senior Citizens have until three p.m. to hand over their driver's licenses. The new law was passed just hours after what we in the business are calling 'The Day of Death', mostly because it sounds impressive. Back to you, Ant.
Anthony: Thanks, Pineconn. And don't call me Ant, idiot.

[DMV, inside. A poster on the wall says "Drive 65 MPH. Stay alive." {DSG}DarkRaven, ShadowTiger and Elise sit at a table taking the licenses seniors standing in line give them. ShadowTiger takes a license from an elderly man]
ShadowTiger: Alrighty. [Cuts it in two and drops the halves into a box] There we go. Next? [A fat elderly lady approaches, then the elderly man with the walker]
Elderly Lady: It ain't right what you're doin'! I never had an accident in my life! You shouldn't punish all of us!
Elise: but this is the only way to be sure. Next please. [Cuts up another license] There we go.
Elderly Man: But how am I supposed to get to the grocery store? Or the pharmacy to buy medicine?
{DSG}DarkRaven: Well, maybe you should be in a nursing home. Hmmm?
Elderly Man: Some of us would rather die!
{DSG}DarkRaven: Well, we can certainly help you with that, too.
Elderly Man: Bah! [Walks off]
Elise: Next!

...I can go on if you want. There's plenty more South Park episodes to canabalise.

ZTC

03-26-2007, 10:43 AM

At first, I though this was a thread complaining about a lack of GB =/ Maybe I'll pull something from my weird dreams and post something. (and) lol Darth

MasterSwordUltima

03-26-2007, 12:53 PM

A black screen with "MASTERSWORDULTIMA IS GREAT" in white text for 30 minutes. Also, that annoying censor sound plays constantly.

Pineconn

03-26-2007, 03:19 PM

Nice, Darth! And I'm not just saying that because I'm in it. :tongue:

Prrkitty

03-26-2007, 04:37 PM

Very good Darthy!!

Although let's hope South Park creators don't come knocking on our door with copyright infringements.

Darth Marsden

03-26-2007, 04:50 PM

By popular demand...

[Beldaran's house, around midday. The gang are just leaving.]

Darth: Isn't this great, you guys? Being able to walk the streets now that old people are confined to their homes where they belong?

[The group all turn and stare at Darth.]

Darth: Yeah, that didn't sound so harsh in my head.

[The group continue onwards. As they move away from Beldaran's house, an elderly figure emerges from the front door.]

Beldaran's Grandad: Billy, get in the car! I need you boys to help me pick up my new Hov-Around.
Beldaran:Uh, Grandpa, I don't think you should be driving.
Grandad: God-damnit Billy! You're supposed to listen to your dad, right?! Well I'm your dad's dad, and that means you get in this car before I tan all your hides!
Lilith: Well, look at it this way guys: statistically speaking, we're safer inside a car with an old person driving than we would be on the outside.
Darth: ...dammit, I hate it when she's right. I call shotgun!

[The gang climb in, strap themselves in, and Glenn the Great offers a quick prayer]

Glenn: Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee, even though I walk through the valley of death. [Beldaran's Grandad starts up the car and groans a bit] Guys, I don't know if I ever told you this, but, well, I love you guys. [Pause] Except for you, Darth.
Darth: Damn straight.
Grandad: Okay, all set?

[Beldaran's Grandad backs out of the a driveway, and an oncoming car honks at him. The driver screams something at him. Pretty soon, other cars and trucks are doing their best to avoid him. Cars begin crashing and flying through the air. The gang wince at every accident, and after a few minutes a police cruiser catches up to them]
Beldaran: Ah, I think there's a police car behind you, Grandpa.
Grandad: Eh? [Signals to the officer] Go around. Go around, you moron!
Officer Rijuhn: Blue Impala, pull your vehicle over!
Glenn: Is that us? Oh please God, let that be us!
Darth: Yeah, that's us.
Glenn: Praise the Lord!

Beldaran's Grandad pulls over to the side and stops. Officer Rijuhn stops as well and approaches the driver side.]

Officer Rijuhn: Could I see your license, please?
Grandad: I ain't got one! You peckers took it!
Officer Rijuhn: Well then, I have to take you to jail.
Grandad: You just try taking me to jail, scrotum-head! You just try!

Beldaran's Grandad starts whacking Officer Rijuhn with his cane. Beldaran holds his head in his hands while the others look on in shock. Officer Rijuhn backs away from the cane, takes his pistol and fires it into the air, at which point Beldaran's Grandad throws his cane out of the car window and put his hands in the air. Beldaran looks up at the others and shrugs his sholders as if to say 'What can you do?']
[CUT TO: Police jail. Beldaran's Grandad sits behind bars with a cane.]

Grandad: Big tough guy with a gun. Why in my day, we fought with sharpened sticks, miserable...
Officer Rijuhn: I just got him right here, Beldaran.
Beldaran: Well, good job, Grandad. Look what happened. I told you not to drive, but would you listen to me? No!
Grandad: Oh God damnit, don't you dare lecture me, Billy!
Beldaran: You just had to be so damn stubborn, didn't you?!
Grandad: Great. Now my own Grandson is gonna talk to me like I was younger than him.
Beldaran: I'm not gonna treat you like a child, Grandad. All right? Now I think you owe Mr. Police Officer an apology. Who needs to apologize, hm? [He wags his finger at his Grandad] Who's the sorry-sorry?
Grandad: Kiss my old, wrinkled ass!
Beldaran: Oh, y'know what? I was gonna bail you out, but maybe you can just sit here for a bit and think about what you did!
Grandad: Well I won't be sitting here long! I've already called the AARP!
Beldaran: The who-what now?
Grandad: The American Association of Retired Persons! The largest political group in the country! When seniors like me are bein' descriminated against, the AARP comes and sets it right! And you're gonna be sorry when they get here!

[The AGN cafe. The gang, along with other regulars, are all hanging out, listening to War Lord performing his latest rap.]

War Lord: So I take my gun and I point it at him
And he's screaming at me 'Don't kill me, please!'
But I'm not listening and I fire a round
Hits him in the chest and he hits the ground
Blood is pouring all over the place
And I... I... [He's distracted by something. One or two people follow his eyeline and see elderly paratroopers drifting down onto the pavement outside. The gangs' eyes follow him] Huh. Those ROTC guys are way off course. [The paratroopers open their cargo boxes and unload firearms]

Darth: Holy crap! More old people!
Beldaran: [Realising]The American Association of Retired Persons. Jesus, I thought he was rambling about the good ol' days again - I didn't realise he meant it!

[War Lord heads outside, bidding the others to stay where they are. One of the old folks, an incredibly old woman smacks him across the face with the butt of her semiautomatic, and he goes down in pain on one knee. The seniors begin firing away, with rifles, semiautomatics, whatever. The gang look on and gasp]

Glenn: Old people gone mad! It's the end of the world as we know it!

...more if demanded.

biggiy05

03-26-2007, 05:16 PM

...more if demanded.

LOL....this is good. Bring it on.

Pineconn

03-26-2007, 06:19 PM

Pssh, you don't need to ask me twice. More, por favor!

(Y'know, maybe a fan fic section would be a good thing to add to these forums. That'd get really interesting.)

Darth Marsden

03-26-2007, 06:27 PM

...damn, this is getting me loads of green rep...

[U.S. Geological Service. PrrKitty sits at her desk making notes when she hears the soft rustling of tarp on snow. She spins around in her chair to see more AARP paratroopers. She rises in disbelief. A gas canister flies through the window and unleashes its fumes. PrrKitty starts coughing. The door flies open and some AARP paratroopers walk in wearing gas masks.]

AARP Member: Contact. [Quickly aims her machine gun at PrrKitty] Put your hands up, young lady!

[She does so and is subsequently marched out into the street. CUT TO: Jail. Beldaran's Grandad is looking out his small cell window when the AARP enters and approach the cell. A man steps forward from the group.]

AARP Leader: I'm Bill Stewart, President of the AARP. Hu-we've come to help the seniors in this town fight back.
Grandad: Oh, it's nice to meet ya, Bill.
Bill: Huh?? We came as fast as we could. We just had to stop by Country Kitchen Buffet first. Mmm!

[The center of town, day. One of the members brings Beldaran forward]
Beldaran: What the hell is going on?!
AARP member: Shut your piehole and get over there!

[Beldaran moves forward and joins the other hostages. PrrKitty sidles up to him]

Prrkitty: Beldaran, what is this?
Bill: Hey! You are now under the authority of the AARP!
Grandad: Ha! There you go, Mr. Smartmouth! Look at you now!
Beldaran: Grandad, what are you doing??
Grandad: The AARP is gonna help us take this town until we get our licenses back!
Elderly Woman: Yeah, and we're gonna ask for more money in Medi-Care, too!
biggiy05: Have you all got Alzheimer's? The-they're not gonna listen to a bunch of whacked out senior citizens.
Bill: Heh?? We'll tell them if they don't give us our demands, we'll start killin' hostages!
biggiy05: Huh, right. They're gonna really believe that.

[The elderly woman next to him simply lifts her gun and fires at biggiy point blank. He falls down dead. The crowd express shock and anger, for some reason]

Grandad: Isn't that a little extreme, Bill?
Bill: Heh?? No, we gotta be tough! Just like with those damned Japs!
Beldaran: This is insane, Grandad! It was bad enough when Darth went on that killing spree, but this? You all need to stop right now before more people get hurt!
Grandad: The time when you can tell me what to do is over, pucky-boy! We're in charge now!

[Some time later. The town is now an encampment, protected by barbed wire, sandbags, and metal shields. A woman with an IV unit stands behind some sandbags.]

Grandad: All right, we've got control of the Mayor's office and the fire station.
AARP member: Reinforcements have arrived from the nursing home in Conifer.
Bill: Good! Hell, us senior citizens could take over the entire country!
AARP lookout: We've got company!

[Outside the blockade, a huge number of military jeeps, vans and tanks arrive. They pull up outside the barriers and a number of soldiers get out, arming their weapons at the walls. An officer gets out of a jeep and takes out a megaphone.]

Officer: Attention seniors: lay down your weapons and turns yourselves over!
Bill: Mrs. Applegate, show 'em we mean business.
Mrs. Applegate: All right.

[Mrs Applegate is carrying a rocket launcher. At Bill's request, she fires the rocket and falls back from the recoil. The rocket heads for a Jeep full of troops. The troops scramble off. The rocket strikes and demolishes the Jeep, killing one of the soldiers, who's head lands in the lap of another soldier, who instantly starts screaming and running around histerically. Eventually the officer manages to regain composure and retakes the megaphone.]

Officer: What do you want?
Bill: Heh??
Grandad: We want our licenses back! [Sounds of approval from the other seniors]
Elderly Woman: That's right. And we want more money and Medi-Care! [More shouts of approval]
Elderly Man: And we want those damned kids to stop skateboardin' on the sidewalk! [The shout of approval are, quite literally, deafening.]

[Nighttime, the drive-in. All adults who are not senior citizens have been gathered into an enclosure around the massive screen. Two seniors stand guard at the gates, other seniors keep the adults in line. The adults are cold. Some cough, some try to keep warm by burning tires inside empty gas drums. Beldaran is one of those warming his hands over a fire, along with Glenn the Great and Lilith. He moans. Darth snakes up to the side of the encampment where the group is, having not been arrested]

Darth: Hey guys.
Beldaran: Darth! You... you're OK! How did they not catch you?
Darth: I'm a freakin' Sith Lord, OK? God, I've been in this freakin' place for years, you'd think people would know me by now! Hopeless, the bloody lot of you. Hopeless!
Lilith: Shh! They'll hear you!
Darth: Yeah, right. None of them have their hearing aids in, y'know.
Glenn: ...that explains a lot.
Darth: Look, how the hell did they get you guys? I thought you were all better than that!
Lilith: We tried to stop them, but... the seniors get up so early in the morning they... get everything done before everyone else is even awake! It's insane!
Glenn: I heard them saying something about taking over the entire country - could they really do that?
Beldaran: Seeing how early they get up, I don't see how anyone can stop them. Wait a minute... when do you get up, Darth?
Darth: I'm always up. I haven't slept since 1994.
Lilith: Seriously? How the hell do you stay awake?
Darth: Caffine. Lots and lots of caffine.
Lilith: ...so that's why you're always drinking Red Bull. I did wonder.
Beldaran: Look Darth, you've got to stop them! We can't do anything stuck in here! [He looks back, alarmed - more prisoners are being herded into the 'camp'] Dammit, they're coming! Quick, get out of here before they see you!
Darth: Christ, leave it to the resident Dark Lord of the Sith to solve all your problems. You guys owe me big time. [Darth turns and leaves. ShadowTiger notices and runs right up to the wires.]
ShadowTiger: Avenge me Darth! AVENGE ME!!!

...more after a good nights sleep...

Prrkitty

03-26-2007, 06:43 PM

Yer good Darthy :) Thanks honey :) <hug>

The_Amaster

03-26-2007, 06:45 PM

Sweet.
I would write my own, but I'm not sure I could compete with Darth's.
Keep em coming.

Lilith

03-26-2007, 08:37 PM

I'm also an up and coming engineer. :)

oh okay :panties dissolve:

King Aquamentus

03-26-2007, 10:02 PM

*snaps fingers

An episode where a random member comes in, sees this thread, and asks why all the ideas have anything to do with AGN. The rest of the episode contains running gags of people dumping septic substances on him, ala the slime in the "you can't do that on television" show.

Darth Marsden

03-27-2007, 06:51 AM

...well, that was the worst nights sleep I've had in ages, but an audience awaits...

[Darth is running through the town, avoiding old people as he does. Suddenly, the alarm goes up - he's been spotted! He ducks into an alley and wonders how they saw him. Then he looks down - he's wearing a blue 'dragon' shirt. Cursing his luck, he climbs up the fire escape and makes for the roof as several elderly guards find him. They try to climb up the fire escape as well, but fail miserably. One falls down and creams about needing another hip replacement, while another has a heart attack. Darth watches with a smile, then jumps to the next roof. He's lost them.]

[CUT TO the drive-in. Everyone in the encampment is asleep now, except for Beldaran, who's talking to his Grandad on the other side of the fence.]

Beldaran: Jesus Christ Grandad, look at this! It's WW2 all over again!
Grandad: Don't you lecture me about WW2, Billy! I killed more Japs than you've killed them whatsit zombie thingies on your computermabobs!
Beldaran: Well actually, that's pretty unlikely. I've played a lot of zombie games. But look, this has gone way too far! You seriously need to stop this now!
Grandad: Or what? What are you gonna do, Billy? Cry about it? Complain? You can't stop us, Billy-boy! No-one can!

[Beldaran's Grandad turns and leaves. Very slowly. Beldaran just rolls his eyes and sits down on the ground against the fence. He mumbles something about Dead Rising being a good game and settles down to sleep.

CUT TO rooftop. Darth is looking over the town with a futuristic pair of binoculars (even though they're actually from the past) when he spots something. Zoom in to his view - it's a Country Kitchen Buffet. Back to Darth - he's got an idea, but before he can take it any further, he hears something behind him. He turns round and sees AtmaWeapon pointing a gun at him]

AtmaWeapon: Don't move!

[Darth holds out his hand and the gun flies from AtmaWeapon. He catches it, unloads the clip, shoots the round in the chamber into the air and then tosses the gun back to AtmaWeapon.]

AtmaWeapon: Oh, hey Darth.
Darth: Hey. What are you doing up here?
AtmaWeapon: [Moves next to Darth] Evading the old guys. You know LightningZ tried to take them on by himself?
Darth: Really? How'd that work out?
AtmaWeapon: Ah, he charged in screaming about his 'l33t hakzor skillz' and stuff, but they shot him down before he even got close.
Darth: Sounds familiar. Did that stop him?
AtmaWeapon: Nope. Did it again half an hour later. Same thing happened again.
Darth: Heh. Bloody script kiddies. ...actually, we could use that.
AtmaWeapon: What, seriously? You are joking, right? LightningZ actually being useful?
Darth: Well, I've got an idea. Lemme show you. The old people have blockades here [He points to the south side of town, where a wall has been erected] and here He points to the west side, another wall]. The old ladies are keeping watch in towers around the perimeter, and the leaders along with Beldaran's Grandfather are most likely in the Mayor's office. Right?
AtmaWeapon: Yeah, sounds about right.
Darth: Now loath as I am to admit it, there's too many of them for me to go on another killing spree without at least getting blood on my shirt, which I really don't wanna do becasue I love this shirt. So our only solution is to cut off their life force.
AtmaWeapon: And how do we do that?
Darth: Simple. I sneak into town and shut down their food supply. [He points to one particular building and hands the binoculars over to AtmaWeapon, who looks through them.]
AtmaWeapon: Country Kitchen Buffet?
Darth: Yep. You take that place out, and old people won't know what to do.
AtmaWeapon: That's quite possibly the stupidest thing I've heard you say since 'I didn't like The Godfather'.
Darth: What? I honestly didn't care for it!
AtmaWeapon: How can you say that? It's a perfect movie!
Darth: That's what everyone always says, but I just can't...
AtmaWeapon: Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino... You never see - Robert Duvall, for Christ's sake!
Darth: I know, I know. Fine actors, I just did not like the movie.
AtmaWeapon: Well... why not?
Darth: Hmm?
AtmaWeapon: Why didn't you like it?
Darth: I just couldn't get into it.
AtmaWeapon: Ok, you gotta explain that. Why couldn't you get into it?
Darth: [Slight Pause]...it insists upon itself.
AtmaWeapon: What! It has a valid point to make! It's insistant by its very nature!
Darth: It... it takes forever getting in, you spend like six hours, and then... I just can't finish it. Never even seen the ending.
AtmaWeapon: You've never seen the ending?
Darth: Never seen the ending.
AtmaWeapon: Well how the hell can you say you didn't like it if you haven't even given it a chance?
Darth: Look, I have tried on THREE occasions. I get to the scene where the guys are in the easy chairs...
AtmaWeapon: I know the one, great scene.
Darth: It's not a great... I have absolutely no idea what they're saying! It's like they're speaking a whole different language! THAT'S where I zone out - I just completely loose interest at that point.
AtmaWeapon: They're speaking Italian! It's a language of subtlety, for the love of God!
Darth: I love Steven Seagal films. That is my answer to that statement.
AtmaWeapon: [Beat] Yeah, I like him too.

[The two are silent for a minute. After a while, Darth takes back the binoculars and scans the town again. He finds what he's looking for and turns back to AtmaWeapon.]

Darth: Ok. Looks like LightningZ is gearing up for another attack. Here's the plan. While the script kiddie is busy being blasted away by the old folks, we'll sneak into town. Since they'll all be distracted, it shouldn't be a big problem, but it'll probably be a good idea if we stick to the rooftops as much as possible.
AtmaWeapon: Yeah, that's pretty sensible.
Darth: While everyone's focused on the little brat being blown away, we need to sneak into the Mayor's office and steal some of the explosives the old people have stashed. Once we have them, we head for Country Kitchen Buffet and blow it up.
AtmaWeapon: ...or we could just lock it up from the inside.

[Darth looks straight at him. If looks could kill, there'd be nothing but a bloody carcass on the floor.]

AtmaWeapon: Fine, we'll blow it up. What is it with you and random destruction, anyway?
Darth: For the love of God, I'm a freakin' Sith Lord! Hopeless!

...I'm gonna grab a shower. The story continues afterwards...

biggiy05

03-27-2007, 08:30 AM

Great read. At the rate you're going you might have more green rep than ST. I never thought anyone would end up with more than him.

Darth Marsden

03-27-2007, 09:58 AM

See, I thought you'd be pissed that I killed you off, biggiy. Guess not...

[It's early morning, around 6:00. The old people have the run of the town, and they're bringing in heavier artillery. Beldaran's Grandad approaches Bill, a sightly puzzled look on his face.]

Bill: All right everyone, round up your ammunition and get ready to move! We're takin' this war further out!
AARP Members: Yeah! All right! Etc!
Grandad: Uh, Bill? I appreciate what the AARP is tryin' to do for us, but uh, all we want is our licenses back.
Bill: Huh?? Heck no! This is goin' too well.We're gonna take the whole country back. Wipe out everyone below the age of sixty five!
Grandad: Wipe 'em out?! What are you, senile?
Bill: Yep! Never stopped me before though! C'mon everyone! It's time to plan for Phase 2!

[The group make their way to Country Kitchen Buffet and enter through the front doors. Beldaran's Grandad stays behind, shaking his head in defeat. Pan across to see AtmaWeapon hiding in an alley watching the whole scene. Darth drops down from the roof nearby and joins him as Beldaran's Grandad enters the Buffet.]

AtmaWeapon: Darth! I thought you were gonna blow that place up!
Darth: Well I was gonna, but there were no explosives in the Mayor's office.
AtmaWeapon: None at all?
Darth: I know! And I was so looking forward to it as well.
AtmaWeapon: Well, damn! What are we gonna do now?
Darth: Ok, I've got another idea. But we're gonna need help.

[The two leave. At the drive-in, everyone is still asleep except for the two guards. Darth boldly walks up to them, and they point their guns at him. Darth reaches both hands out and the pair are lifted off their feet, their hands at their throats. Darth suddenly twists both hands and the pair fly into each other, knocking them both out cold. AtmaWeapon walks over to him.]

AtmaWeapon: Damn, man. I never knew you could do that.
Darth: Yeah, I don't do it very often. It gets old pretty quickly.
AtmaWeapon: ...right. Which guys did we need?
Darth: Ok, Amaster42 is pretty good, and I know The Cyborg can get us some supplies. See if you can track them down.
AtmaWeapon: Right.

[The two split up and start searching among the bodies. After a few minutes, Darth waves to AtmaWeapon, and Atma signals back. They've found the pair. Quietly they carry the two out and close the gates behind them. Some time later, they bring the two around. They're back outside Country Kitchen Buffet. The Cyborg wakes up first.]

The Cyborg: ...wha? What's going on?
Darth: Hey man. We need your help.
The Cyborg: Where am I?
AtmaWeapon: You're outside Country Kitchen Buffet. Listen - we've got a plan, but we need you and this guy's help.
Amaster42: Hmm?
Darth: Can we count on you guys?
The Cyborg: Yeah, sure. Whaddya need?
Darth: Concrete. And lots of it.
The Cyborg: Gotcha.

[The plan is afoot. The Cyborg dashes off to grab some concrete while the others explain Amaster42's role. He nods and sets off. Darth heads down with him while AtmaWeapon runs off to grab some tools. A quick montage reveals that the group are building something outside the Country Kitchen Buffet, but we don't know what it is. Some time later, just as they're finished doing whatever it is they're doing, the elderly start coming out of Country Kitchen Buffet.]

Bill: Right, and off we... what on earth is this?

[Cut to their POV. It's a giant ramp which slopes upwards. Darth's head suddenly pops up from the other, higher, side.]

Darth: Hi there! Have a good breakfast?
Bill: Huh?? You young whippersnaper! What is this?
Darth: This? Oh, we just built a bit of a ramp. Nothing you guys can't handle, right?

[Darth's head disappears. Several of the old folks try to walk up the ramp, but it's too steep and they keep falling back down. Various voices complain about breaking their hips again and so on. Bill looks on, aghast.]

Bill: Where did we leave the explosives?
AARP Member: Over by the cafe.
Darth: [From over the other side, quite faintly] Oh, god-dammit.
Bill: Well, we'll just have to tunnel our way out! C'mon!
AARP Member: Umm... I don't think we can... bend down that far.
Bill: Huh??

[On the other side, the guys are congratulating themselves.]

Darth: Well, that'll hold them for the moment, but we're gonna need something else to keep them at bay.
Amaster42: How about we dig a huge trench on the other side of the ramp? If they make it across, they'll fall into it. Done and dusted.
AtmaWeapon: They'll just climb on top of each other. It'll hold them minutes, at most.
Darth: Ok. I've got it. Quickly, to the cafe!
AtmaWeapon: Why, need a drink?
Darth: Yeah, my caffine deposit's running on empty. Now hurry up before I fall asleep for a year and become declared legally dead.

...more after I finish the ironing...

moocow

03-27-2007, 11:14 AM

AHAHAHAHA, this is awesome! I love it!

AtmaWeapon

03-27-2007, 12:50 PM

ATMAWEAPON stands before LIGHTNINGZ in front of a gigantic pit. ATMAWEAPON draws his sword and holds it to LIGHTNINGZ'S throat

LIGHTNINGZ: what why u do this i prmised u glory why u no take it

ATMAWEAPON: Man use a spellchecker or something.

LIGHTNINGZ: i wrot one myself it is on my ligntngz website we have 10,000 clients dont shoot me this is madness

ATMAWEAPON: THIS... IS... SPARTAAAAAA!!!!

ATMAWEAPON delivers a solid kick to LIGHTNINGZ's chest and LIGHTNINGZ falls screaming into the hole and, I don't know toss some slow motion and stuff with some k-rad guitars with a kind of Arabic overtone (make sure to get some sitars)

SCENE 2

ATMAWEAPON and the rest of the MOBLIN KREW stand before the injured LIGHTNINGZ

LIGHTNINGZ: *grunt* ugh... the hackz of a thousand ghosts hackrs will disend upon AGN... our 1448 hax wil blot out the forems

ATMAWEAPON: (smiling) THEN WE SHALL POST INTO NOTEPAD!

I've got more but it's time to go play animal crossing I promise I'll finish (maybe) I have a lot of projects due tomorrow. Here is my analysis:

[X] Catchphrases
[X] Attacks on common enemies
[X] Complete lack of attention to the rest of the thread
[X] buttes

I win give me my prize!

moocow

03-27-2007, 01:11 PM

Darth Marsden

03-27-2007, 01:39 PM

...and lo, I am unto a god upon thee, for with my parody/rip-off I shall smite the unworthy and the unfunny into the ground for all to laugh and spit upon, and the heavens shall part and thou shall become muddy and unclean as the very earth beneath you turns into the stuff of nightmares, and, y'know, stuff...

[The AGN cafe. The group are in chairs, taking a breath. Darth is on his third can of Red Bull. He finishes it and leans in close to the others.]

Darth: Ok. Here's what we do. First, we need to establish a better perimeter around the border we've already established. Once we've done that...

[Darth is interrupted by a large crash. He, and the others, get up and walk to the window of the cafe. From there, they can see that the old-timers are making their way across the slope that they have built.]

The Cyborg: Jesus Christ! How the hell did they get out so quickly?

[Cut to the inside of the barrier. Dozens of the old people are layed out across the slope to form a really gross form of steps, allowing the old people to make their way up. On the other side, Bill has landed and is directing the elderly towards the cafe. AtmaWeapon realises what they're after, and turns to look at the explosives inside the cafe.]

AtmaWeapon: The explosives! Christ, what are we gonna do?
Amaster42: There's a back door - quickly!

[The group head for the back door, Amaster42 leading. When they reach it, he throws it open, but alas! A whole bunch of oldies are there and they grab Amaster42, pulling him outside. Before they get a chance to get their hands on anyone else, Darth waves his hand and pulls the door closed with the Force, the showoff. Before the door closes, the others can see the elderly beating Amaster42 with their canes and suchforth. The group rush to the front of the cafe, but they see people out there, too. They're trapped.]

The Cyborg: Holy crap! They're everywhere! How'd they get there so fast? Oh God!
Darth: Ok. Ok. Let's see if we can talk with them. Reason our way out. [He yells through the window] CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS?
Bill: Huh?? No, you young skate-punk! You tried to block us in!
Darth: Oh come on! That was a prank! [The others snigger at this] Can't you take a joke?
Bill: Joke? 23 people died trying to climb that slope!
Darth: [To AtmaWeapon] 23? Not bad. [To Bill] What do you want from us?
Beldaran's Grandad: [Steps forward from the crowd] We want our licenses back!
Darth: Well, we can't really do anything about that from in here! Don't suppose any of you want a latte though? [The others snigger at this] Or a nice sandwich? We could do that... [More sniggering] or how about some soup? I'm fairly certain we've got some of that in here! [AtmaWeapon laughs out loud at this]
Bill: Dammit, you better take us seriously!
Darth: Or what? You'll start telling us about the good old days again? God only knows I can't get enough of that! [Starts inpersonating an elderly person] When I was your age, we didn't have these color TV sets... [AtmaWeapon laughs again]
Bill: Right! That's it! Take the window down!

[Suddenly bullets start firing and the window AtmaWeapon is standing next to is broken. Before he can move, old people start grabbing him and pulling him through it. Darth and The Cyborg run over to grab him, but they're too late - he's pulled through before they can get there. Darth uses the force to yank the counter up and places it in front of the window, blocking it, but the old timers start clawing through the holes and at the door.]

The Cyborg: Holy crap! We're dead! They're gonna kill us all!
Darth: The roof! C'mon, it's our only chance!

[The two make for the stairs as the elderly manage to break through the doors and head into the cafe. The two make it to the top of the starirs, but there's a door. The Cyborg tries it and finds it locked. Darth pushes him out of the way and ignites his lightsaber through the lock. He pushes the door open and makes it through, but The Cyborg is caught by the old people and is pulled down. Darth hurries through to one of the windows and climbs through before scaling the side of the building up to the roof. Once there he makes for the next one. Bill leans out of the window and shakes his fist up at him.]

Bill: You young scaliwag! You can't run forever!

...more when I can think of how to end this increasingly depressing and violent epic...

Pineconn

03-27-2007, 03:17 PM

Aw, you mean it's going to end?

Prrkitty

03-27-2007, 03:30 PM

That particular storyline will probably end. But it doesn't mean another storyline can't be started up when that one ends. :)

There's only so much energy to our li'l Darthy. Give him time to recoup along and along... :)

Darth Marsden

03-27-2007, 04:29 PM

...yeah, just the one more bit to this one. I've veered so far off the original South Park plot it's somewhat worrying, but I'll come up with something. Still, there are plenty of other shows to rip-off... sorry, parody.

[The drive-in, 6:45. Everyone is still asleep. CUT TO Darth, who's striking a dramatic pose on top of a building just as the sun's rising. It looks like a comic book cover. Suddenly Darth leaps off and lands on one of those tarpin covers. Rather then bounce off, it tears and he falls straight through, landing arkwardly on his arm. He moans in pain, gets up and quickly runs off, clutching his shoulder. Meanwhile, the old folks are forming in the center of town.]

Bill: Alright. If we're gonna do this, we'll have to do it quickly.
AARP Member: That'll be a problem.
Bill: Huh?? Well, as quickly as we can. First, we kill all the young people. Then, we move on to the next town!
AARP Members: Yeah! That's the ticket! We'll show them who's in charge! Etc!
Beldaran's Grandad: [Looking apalled] You're actually going to go through with this? You're... you're insane!
Bill: Don't you label me with that young person slander! We're taking back this country, with or without you! Now c'mon everyone! Let's move!

[The crowd start moving. Slowly. Beldaran's Grandad looks on, aghast, as they move. Zoom out to Darth, who's watching this from side street.]

Darth: Not in my town.

[He slinks back into the shadows. CUT TO the crowd, very slowly moving along towards the drive-in, where everyone is still asleep. The one at the very back is suddenly pulled into a side alley by Darth, who bonks her over the head with a nearby trashcan. After he bashes her, he grabs at his shoulder, obviously in pain. He probes it with his hand and after a minutes lets out an 'Ohh' of realisation, then yanks the shoulder forward suddenly. There's a loud pop as the bone pops back into its socket. He utters the word 'Mommy' quite pathetically before coming to his senses and moving on. CUT TO the drive-in. Bill has finally reached the compound and he eyes all the still-sleeping people inside. He grins maniacally.]

Bill: Ah yes, young hooligans. You'll never oppress us again. Come on folks! Let's show them what we're made off!

[He turns round, only to find that there's one elderly woman still there. He looks on in amazement.]

Bill: Wha... where's everyone else?
AARP Member: I... I don't know. They were right behind me a minute ago...

[Suddenly a brick comes flying from offscreen and conks her on the head. She falls down unconcious as Darth Marsden walks into the shot.]

Darth: It's over. Don't make me hurt you... much.
Bill: Huh?? You... did you take everyone out?
Darth: Well, it wasn't hard. You were moving so slowly I managed to finish off War and Peace in between knockouts. Dunno why it's got such a good rep, it's dull as hell, that book.
Bill: Well, I'm not going down without a fight! Put 'em up, you young scalliwag!

[He puts up his fists in an attempted manner to be imposing. Darth merely ignites his lightsaber and walks up to him. As he feebly throws a punch, Darth slices off his arm. It falls to the ground and the hand twitches into giving him the finger before dying. Darth looks up and smiles.]

Darth: Now stand aside, you old fool.
Bill: Huh?? 'Tis but a scratch.
Darth: A scratch? Your arm's off!
Bill: No, it isn't.
Darth: Well what's that then? [He points to the severed arm]
Bill: ...I've had worse.
Darth: Bollocks you have!
Bill: Come on, you young pansy!

[He throws his other arm at Darth, who slices it off just as easily. It too gives him the finger after it hits the floor.]

Darth: Hah! Victory is mine, old man.
Bill: Huh?? Come on, then. Have at you!
Darth: You what? Look, I'll give credit where it's due, but I've beaten you, ok?
Bill: Oh, had enough, eh?
Darth: Look you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!
Bill: Yes, I have.
Darth: Look at them! [He points to the pair lying on the ground]
Bill: Just a flesh wound. [He starts kicking Darth]
Darth: Stop that.
Bill: Oh, chicken, eh? [Keeps kicking Darth] Chicken!
Darth: If you don't pack that in I'll lop your leg off.

[Bill kicks Darth again and so off it comes. It lands on the floor next to the left arm. Darth turns the lightsaber off - it's clearly over.]

Bill: Right! I'll do you for that!
Darth: What are you gonna do, bleed on me?
Bill: Huh?? Ooo, you young hippie, I'll tear you to pieces, just like I did in Nam!

[Bill hops over to Darth and butts him with his head. Darth can't quite believe this and is about to walk away when Bill headbutts him again. Irritated he turns the lightsaber on again and slices off Bill's remaining leg. He falls to the ground, somehow managing to stay upright. Bill looks over his limbs now lying on the ground.]

Bill: Alright, we'll call it a draw.
Darth: ...whatever. [He starts walking past Bill towards the drive-in]
Bill: Oh... oh, I see! Running away, eh? You yellow-livered coward! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!
Darth: [Now in the distance] Shut up!

[Some time later. The Army is milling around the area, picking up the pensioners that Darth had taken out. They pass by in the background during the rest of this scene, and are decorated in a variety of items - one is trapped in the middle of a flower garden, another has a vase rammed over their head, a third is forced to hop as their legs have been tied together with a garden hose, that sort of thing. The officer from before walks over to Darth, talking into a walkie-talkie as he does so.]
Officer: All right everyone, area secure. Collect their weapons and free the hostages. [He lowers the walkie-talkie] Well, good work Darth. You may very well have saved this entire country.
Beldaran: Walks into shot along with PrrKitty, Lilith and Elise, rubbing his eyes as if he's just woken up]Whoa-ho-ho-ooh, what happened? Is it over?
Officer: Everything is fine. Control of the town is back to you folks.
Soldier: [Escorting Beldaran's Grandad up to the group] What do you want to do with this one, sir?
Officer: Well, I guess that's up to the townsfolk.
Beldaran: Well, I think he learned his lesson. Huh? Don't you feel silly now, Grandad? I think somebody owes us all an apology. Yes he does.
Elise: Oh, stop it! This was partly your fault!
Beldaran: Huh??
Lilith: She's right, Beldaran. All your grandfather wants is not to be talked to like a child. I think half of what he was angry about wasn't what you were doing, but how you were doing it.
Grandad: Yeah, that's right.
PrrKitty: And you should be proud that you made it through life to be a senior, but you should also realize that, when you're behind the wheel, you're a killing machine.
Grandad: ...I know. I guess sometimes us seniors need to know when to stop driving so we don't put the responsibility on our families.
Beldaran: Well, I think this has been a real learning experience for us all. People died, but we all grew a bit. Let's just go home.
Grandad: Sure. I'll drive.
Beldaran: [Laughs] That's my Grandad. [Walks off with his grandfather]
Darth: [Beat] I hate this town sometimes. I really do.

END

biggiy05

03-27-2007, 05:52 PM

That was good.

Where's the next one?:D

mrz84

03-27-2007, 06:43 PM

Darthy, keep those going. I think I've almost died laughing. Almost. :kitty:

Prrkitty

03-27-2007, 09:17 PM

Darthy, keep those going. I think I've almost died laughing. Almost. :kitty:

Hmmm... Darthy, dear, honey, sweetie... looks like my nick for you stuck ;) <smirk>
*kiss*

Pineconn

03-27-2007, 11:14 PM

Dang, nice parody of Monty Python, there at the end. :D I would have laughed so much harder if I hadn't already seen it.

But, dang. I want this to go on the big screen! http://smilies.vidahost.com/cwm/3dlil/lurk.gif

Darth Marsden

03-28-2007, 06:14 AM

Glad you guys liked it so much. I can't think of any more at the moment, but I'll start another one when I do.

EDIT: Ha!

[Town, day. Darth Marsden, Aegix Dragon, Breaker and Cloral are walking down the street. Darth is reading one of those '1001 things you never knew' books]

Darth: Hey guys, did you know that you crap your pants when you die?
Breaker: What?
Darth: Yeah, it says here that when you die your bowels release and you basically crap yourself. Gross, huh?
Cloral: That's stupid and you know it.
Darth: It says it right here! [He places the book in front of Cloral, who shoves it away] Bet you 5 bucks it's true.
Cloral: No way, man. You still owe me 10 from the last bet you made.

[CUT TO the AGN cafe. Darth and Cloral are standing next to the Pool table, watching Daarkseid and Riverman play a game. Darth turns to Cloral.]

Darth: Bet you 10 bucks Daarkseid wins.

[Cut back to the street.]

Darth: You only won that 'cause you whacked Daarkseid over the head with a Pool Cue!
Starkist: [Running past] Hey everybody, it's time! It's time!
Aegix Dragon: Time for what?
Starkist: Get to where General Bitching used to be! It's about to happen!

[The gang look at each other and shrug their shoulders. They all follow Starkist over to where General Bitching used to be. There's some sort of building, but we can't see what it is. There's a large crowd around the place, with an official looking man addressing them.]

Official: People of AGN, I am pleased to be with you on this most historic day. A day you were certainly all remember... as the day your town... became great. The grand opening of the first AGN... WALL*MART!

[The camera zooms out to show the full scope of the store - it's massive. Everyone applauds and cheers]

erm2003: It's so... big!
Saffith: It's like we're a real town now. [The group finally arrive]
Darth: Finally, somewhere to pick up cheap Root Beer!
Cloral: Wait... isn't this where Bitchin' Pond used to be? Where we went swimming in the summer and stuff?
phanttonez: Yeah, but now it's a Wall*Mart!
Official: I know that with the opening of the AGN branch of Wall*Mart, you will all see your town completely change... Now shop friends, shop!

[The doors open and everyone streams in. Inside they find a spacious store, filled with almost everything you could imagine.]

gdorf: [Falling to his knees] It's beautiful!

[Cut to various shots of people grabbing various things - salt and peppers shakers, plastic plates, TV sets, blow-up dolls (Quagmire grabs one and runs off shot), and, finally, DVDs, where the gang is at. Darth is using the force to levitate about a dozen cases of Root Beer behind him, while Cloral has a basket full of groceries.]

Breaker: Check it out, guys! Time Cop on DVD. Three copies for eighteen bucks!
Aegix Dragon: Why the hell would you want three copies of the same movie?
Breaker: Because one copy is nine ninety-eight! But this way you save like twenty bucks!
Aegix Dragon: You only need one copy, artard!
Breaker: Okay, fine. YOU go ahead and buy one copy for nine ninety-eight!
Aegix Dragon: Okay, fine, I will! [He grabs a copy] Hey, wait a minute! I don't even want ONE copy of Time Cop! [He puts it back]
Breaker: ...neither do I. [Puts the three-pack back] What's this place doing to us?

[CUT TO an office window which looks over the store. The offical is in there, an evil look on his face.]

Official: Fools. Ignorant fools.

[Breaker's house, that night. Breaker is dreaming, and is tossing and turning, reacting to his dreams. We hear what he hears - whispered voices saying things like Six Ninety-Nine, Fifteen Dollars, Twelve Fifty, etc. With a start, Breaker wakes. He looks at the window, then crawl out of bed and stands before it. We can see the Wall*Mart, all glowing, like a beacon. He nods. CUT TO the Wall*Mart store. Breaker, in a dressing gown, enters, only to find more shoppers in there. Wall*Mart never closes, and it's never empty. A helper welcomes him, and this snaps him out of the trance. He realises where he is, panics and runs back out again.]

Pineconn

03-28-2007, 10:00 AM

Y'know, this reminds me of this thing we had in a forum that I went to a few years ago. It was a fic just like this, using the names of the members, and everyone could join in and add to the story. It was pretty fun.

Pero... ¡Gran novela! ¡Yo lo adoro! Es demasiado malo que tiene que terminar... Creo que sabemos quién ganará.

Darth Marsden

03-28-2007, 10:49 AM

...a sort of quest, y'mean? I had one of those in my old forum as well. I used to visit it during school and find that no-one had updated it, and I'd get irritated. This is much more fun.

[The next morning, the gang are walking towards downtown.]

Cloral: Look, would you mind explaining why we're going to Jim's Drugs to buy paracetamol when Wall*Mart has them for half the price?
Breaker: I... I can't deal with Wall*Mart right now. There's eomething... wrong with that place. [/B][They pass by Riverman, closing up his shop for the last time][/B]
Riverman: Oh, hey guys. Hope you didn't wanna buy anything, I'm going out of business.
Breaker: What? Why, Riverman?
Riverman: Well, I can't compete with Wall*Mart's low prices. Everyone's shopping there now, and... well, I can't make ends meet. [Darth pulls out a violin from his leather coat and starts playing it] I've got to sell the store and try to find some other line of work.
Breaker: [Glares at Darth] Knock it off, man!
Darth: What? Just felt like playing a little violin, is all.
Riverman: Look, I appreciate your business guys, but you'll just have to try somewhere else in town. Sorry. [He locks the door and walks away, sullen.]
Breaker: Damn, that sucks! He's had that store forever!
Cloral: That's called progress, Breaker.
Breaker: Yeah, but what about all the people getting laid off from the grocery stores? [Darth whips out the violin and starts playing it again] And what about all the- [Looks at Darth, takes away his violin, and smashes it on the ground]
Darth: Well, that was 5 bucks well spent.
Aegix Dragon: Come on, let's go to Main Street and support one of those stores.

[Downtown, later. The guys arrive at Main Street and are startled by what they see. Before them is a downtown that is shuttered and decayed. The asphalt is gone from the roads and eagles hover over the area. A window crashing makes them jump, and Mottzilla appears around a corner, making weird noises.]

Breaker: Mottzilla? What the hell are you doing?
Mottzilla: Huh? Oh, I'm just playing monster. It's pretty weird out here, thought I'd have some fun.
Darth: Yeah. It's even better if you can get a monster truck and just drive it up and down the streets. Monster mash! [He puts both hands in the air in that weird way with only the little and the index fingers up. The others just look at him, and he puts his hands back down] What? It's fun.
Aegix Dragon: We'd better tell the others what's happening down here.

[The AGN Cafe. The gang walk in only to find the place filled with items from Wall*Mart.]

Cloral: Hello? Anyone?

[A wail is heard from behind the stuff. Darth climbs over and finds Moocow lying against a box of crackers. Her face is covered with what look like glittery sores.]

Moocow: Darth? Is that... you?
Darth: Yeah, it's me. Guys, get over here!
Breaker: [Climbing over] Moocow? Jesus, what happened? Are you okay?
Moocow: Yeah... I'm just... really really tired. I... was shopping at Wall*Mart all night...
Aegix Dragon: But... your face!
Moocow: Checkout line... They had these... little stickers filled with glitter! They were only ninety nine cents for 15 of them. I couldn't resist! Do you want one? [She takes one and sticks it onto Darth's nose] It's a... turtle... [She falls over, asleep]

[Some time later, still in the AGN cafe. Most of the members are crammed in, and War Lord is addressing them all.]

War Lord: Ok. I think we're all agreed here that this has gone far enough, right?
Crowd: Yeah!
War Lord: Wall*Mart is destroying this place. You've seen the old hangouts - gone to dust because we never went there anymore.
Crowd: Damn straight!
War Lord: And to make matters worse, Mottzilla reports that Script Kiddies are starting to move in!
Crowd: What? Oh my God!
War Lord: Now I'm gonna march over to that store and demand that they leave! Are you with me?
Crowd: Yeah!

[War Lord walks out the door and everyone follows him. CUT TO the Wall*Mart store. War Lord is outside, and he turns to the group. The crowd, now carrying torches and pitchforks, look back at him. War Lord shakes his head.]

War Lord: God dammit, how many times do I have to tell you - we are not a mob!

[Various 'sorrys' are heard as the torches are extinguished and the pitchforks are passed to the side. Once done, they march into the store. In his office, the official, now store manager, reaches into his desk drawer and pulls out a bottle of liquor. He takes two sips and quickly hides it when he hears a knock at his door.]

Manager: Come in? [The crowd enter] Oh, hello fine shoppers. What can I do for you?
War Lord: Look. It's nothing personal, but we've decided we don't want your Wall*Mart here anymore.
Drunken Tiger: Yeah. it seems our old haunts is dying and good people are losing their jobs. We'd all like you... out of AGN.
Manager: Well... [He begins to cackle nervously] What? What, you think I want to be here? I hate this place. But it... won't let me leave.
mrz84: But you run the Wall*Mart.
Manager: Oh no! No no no! [He rises from his chair and moves towards the group] Wall*Mart... isn't run by anybody! First it reels you in with its bargains. Next thing you know you, you're workingbe at the Wall*Mart because it has all the jobs. Then you're sitting in a little office, trapped on all sides! Oh God!
Breaker: So why don't you just quit?
Manager: [Whispering loudly] Not so loud! It can hear you!
Breaker: You hate Wall*Mart too?
Manager: ACK! I didn't say that! I love Wall*Mart! With all its... fantastic bargains and one-stop shopping, who can't love it, right? [He turns around and grabs some papers] Uh, Wa-Wall*Mart takes the hassle out of shopping and, and makes it both affordable and fun. [He writes as he talks, then shows the group what he wrote: "NOT SAFE TO TALK HERE."] Ah- and Wall*Mart really gives back to the community! Us people are certainly happy to have a store like Wall*Mart, aren't we? [Writes some more and shows the group a second sheet: "MEET ME OUT BACK IN 5 MINS." He grimaces and tries to hint at them. The group leaves.]

erm2003: Hey, wait a minute, I think we just got screwed over.
Saffith: Yeah. That guy probably thinks he can get us to go away by being so goofy!

[Saffith circles his finger round his ear to indicate insanity. Seconds later the manager screams and flies out the window, only to end up hanging himself. The group looks on as the manager's pants drop off and poo follows shortly]

Darth: Ha! Told ya.
Cloral: God dammit.

...more to come...

ZTC

03-28-2007, 10:59 AM

LMFAO! Keep em coming. I haven't read through a thread like this in quite a long time.

moocow

03-28-2007, 01:25 PM

No Stopping, Ever.

Darth Marsden

03-28-2007, 03:05 PM

...I have been commanded!

[The AGN cafe, late evening. Aegix Dragon, Breaker and Cloral are sitting round a table while Darth is off in a corner, reading his book. Dechipher come in carrying three steaks and places them on the table.]

Cloral: [Sighs] I remember when we could afford to buy six steaks when we shopped at Wall*Mart.
Breaker: Yeah, but everyone agreed not to shop at Wall*Mart anymore.
Cloral: Gah! I know already! Leave me alone!

[The group starts eating their steaks. Very slowly. They're obviously used to having more than this. Aegix Dragon cuts his in half, then puts the halves on opposite sides of his plate before starting on one of them. While Cloral is trying to cut his, he slips and knocks his drink off the table. It hits the floor and breaks.]

Cloral: Oh Jesus, a broken glass! Well, I don't see any choice now! We have to go to Wall*Mart!
Darth: [Looks over] We do?
Cloral: Well where else are we gonna get a new glass at this hour?! Everyone get your coats on, we're goin' to Wall*Mart!
Dechipher: Actually, it's Ok, we've plenty more-
Cloral: Dammit, one person buying one glass isn't gonna make a difference! Now c'mon!

[CUT TO the Wall*Mart. The four arrive and see that the store is full of people. Cloral looks on in disbelief.]

Cloral: What the... [Moocow walks nearby] Moocow, what the hell are you doing? We said we weren't going to shop at the Wall*Mart anymore!
Moocow: Well where else was I gonna get a napkin dispenser at nine thirty at night?
Cloral: [Recognising others] Daarkseid! Drunken Tiger! Starkist! Now, come on people! What the hell is wrong with you?! Don't you see what you're all doing?!
phattonez:Well what are you doing here, Cloral?
Cloral: ...I came because I wanted to make sure nobody was shopping here.
Breaker: Dammit Cloral!
Cloral: Oh all right... eh, maybe I was gonna buy a glass. One glass! ... and some chips... And butter. [He pulls out a shopping list] And some new pliers.
Glenn the Great: Jesus! Look at us! We all don't like the Wall*Mart, but we can't stop coming here.
Anthony: It's like some mystical evil force.
Cloral: Yeah! This place has a power over us we can't resist! We have to find a way to put the South Park Wall*Mart out of business once and for all!
goKi: Let's burn it down!
The Cyborg:No no no, let's freeze it.
Jennifer: I think it's best we try to reason with it.
Breaker: No! All we have to do is not shop at Wall*Mart anymore! If you want it to go away, all it takes is a little self-control and personal responsibility.

[10 minutes later, the Wall*Mart is on fire and the shoppers are watching it burn from the outside. They all hold hands and start singing Kumbaya. CUT TO the guys walking down the road the next day]

Cloral: Well, good going, man. You just had to go and ruin everything, didn't you?
Breaker: Me? [Looks at Cloral] It wasn't MY idea to burn the Wall*Mart down.
Cloral: No, but YOU got everyone all worked up! You're jealous of the Wall*Mart. You always hated it.
Breaker: Look, this place is going to be better without the- [Breaker suddenly realizes that he can hear sounds of construction. He turns to look] What the hell?

[The gang rush onward and see the the Wall*Mart has been completely rebuilt. Dashing inside, they see that everything's running as if nothing had happened the night before. Breaker sees Vel and runs over to her.]

Breaker: What the hell is this? Why are you shopping here?
Vel: We can't destroy it. We just... have to learn to live with it.
Voice from behind:Can I help you?

[The guys turn round to see who's speaking to them and are shocked to see that it's War Lord, all dressed up in Wall*Mart employee clothing and complete with one of those irritating badges that says 'Hello My name is WAR LORD']

Aegix Dragon: War Lord? What are you doing?!
War Lord: You get a discount working here. Ten percent. That means the bargains are even better.
Darth: But you're a rapper!
War Lord: Yeah, they don't discriminate against us here.
Breaker: Wait - what?
War Lord: I'll make less money, sure, but... as long as I buy everything at Wall-Mart, it'll all even out. Don't you see? Wall*Mart isn't our enemy, it's our neighborhood friend. [As he says this, he gets out a pad of paper and writes on it. He shows it to the group - it reads 'Break in 5 minutes. Meet me outside'. The gang nod and walk back to the entrance, where they see a driver lifting I-beams into place with his crane]

Breaker: Hey! HEY! [The driver looks at him] Who the hell told you to put this thing back up?!
Driver: Sorry kid, we've got orders from corporate headquarters.
Breaker: But nobody wants a Wall*Mart here!
Driver: Well, you're gonna have to talk to the higher-ups about that. My hands are tied.
Aegix Dragon: Where are they?
Driver: Bentonville, Arkansas. That's where Wall*Mart started, that's where all the bigwigs are. [He drives away as War Lord emerges, presumably on his break.]
War Lord: Hey guys.
Breaker: War Lord! We've got to stop this!
War Lord: Look, I'm with you. I hate it here, but I just couldn't resist, y'know?
Darth: ...not really.
War Lord: ...huh. Whatever, that's not the worst of it. Y'know those script kiddies I mentioned?
Aegix Dragon: Yeah?
War Lord: Mottzilla's doing recon at the moment, but the last report I got from him indicated there were almost a hundered of them in the old hangouts.
Darth: Jesus Christ! That many?
War Lord: I last heard from him 2 days ago... it's probably twice that, if not more.
Aegix Dragon: Holy crap! What the hell are we gonna do?
Breaker: Ok. We need to stop Wall*Mart AND we need to get rid of these script kiddies. We're gonna need to split up. Me, Aegix Dragon and Cloral will go to Bentonville and try to shut down Wall*Mart. Darth, you think you can handle the script kiddies?
Darth: Hell yeah!
Breaker: Alright. Then let's get going. We'll see you later Darth. Good hunting.

[War Lord goes back inside the store and Darth heads off towards the old haunts where the script kiddies now reside while the others head over to the bus station. Suddenly Cloral freezes in place.]

Cloral: Whoa, Pixie Sticks, twenty-nine cents? [He starts to hears sounds] Wall*Mart? ...Are you speaking to me? ...My friends? ...Trying to hurt you again? [Frowns in anger] Yes, Wall*Mart. I understand. [With a look of determination, he follows after the others]

...bum-bum-bummmmmm! More soon...

Prrkitty

03-28-2007, 04:03 PM

Darthy dear... you ROCK!! :)
<hug>

AlexMax

03-28-2007, 08:02 PM

Isn't this essentially the exact same thing as the "Saga of AGN" that I made years and years ago? I only got around to doing one chapter, and it probably sucked, but I just now tried looking for it and I can't seem to locate it anywhere, which kind of blows...

Pineconn

03-28-2007, 09:57 PM

Well, I wasn't a member way back when, so I'd have no input in this. But otherwise, I can't stop busting out and laughing.

Oh all right... eh, maybe I was gonna buy a glass. One glass! ... and some chips... And butter. [He pulls out a shopping list] And some new pliers.

Soooo great. :lol:

Darth Marsden

03-29-2007, 06:26 AM

Sorry guys, you're gonna have to wait a bit for the next 'hilarious' chapter. I'd typed it all up, but then Firefox screwed up and I lost everything, so I've completely lost focus. I'll have another bash in a couple of hours after I've done some chores and had some lunch. Have no fear, I will finish it... honest!

And AlexMax - if you were thinking of doing another such quest, I'd quite happily join in. They were fun, provided people didn't screw around.

biggiy05

03-29-2007, 08:53 AM

Darth Marsden

03-29-2007, 09:54 AM

1.5.0.11, and I'm getting pop-ups. I'm upgrading to the latest version as I speak. Well, type.

EDIT: Done. Having fun with new themes now. Anyway! Onwards and downwards...

[A bus drives past a big sign which says 'Welcome to Bentonville, Home of Wall*Mart' before pulling up to a bus station, where the guys get off]

Aegix Dragon: Damm, that was a long 9 hours.
Breaker: It wouldn't have taken so long if the tires hadn't been slashed.
Cloral: I know! Wasn't it weird how both tires were slashed like that? We must have been really unlucky, huh?

[Breaker stares at Cloral, who puts on an innocent face. He shakes his head and starts walking towards a building marked as 'Wall*Mart Corporate headquarters']

Breaker: ...whatever. C'mon, let's get that store shut down.

[CUT TO inside the Corporate Headquarters. A cavernous warehouse opens up before them, with busy workers moving boxes and such forth. The guys stare at this as a receptionist come to greets them]

Receptionist: Hey guys. Can I help you?
Breaker: Yeah. We've come to complain. We don't want a Wall*Mart in our town.
Receptionist: Who does? Nobody likes what the Wall*Mart does, but it keeps... right on doing it. God help us...
Breaker: We want to talk to who's in charge.
Receptionist: In charge? Well, I guess that would be Harvey Brown. He's the current president of Wall*Mart. One of the original creators.
Aegix Dragon: Where's he?

[Cut to a shot of an ashtray. A hand rubs spent cigarette butts into it. The camera pulls out to reveal the president of Wall*Mart sitting at a bar with the guys standing behind him. There's several empty glasses next to the president, and a pair of scrumpled up cigarette packets]

Harvey Brown: We... invented the Wall*Mart Super Center in 1987. The idea was simple: build a store for one-stop shopping where bulk purchases could keep prices incredibly low. [Defeated, he buries his face in his left hand] We didn't know what we were doing. In just four years, it was out of control.
Breaker: So how do we stop it?
Harvey Brown: [He raises his head] You don't stop it. You can't.
Breaker: There has to be a way!
Harvey Brown: There's nothing! Don't you understand?! Nothing can stop the Wall*Mart in your town! ...Unless...of course, you can find and destroy its heart.
Cloral: Heart of Wall*Mart? Okay, I think this guy's had one too many.
Breaker: ...whaddya mean, heart of Wall*Mart?
Harvey Brown: Every Wall*Mart has a heart, somewhere near the television department. Destroy the heart and you could reverse the entire process!
Cloral: Ok, shut up now, alright?
Aegix Dragon: [To Cloral] Shush! [To Harvey] Why don't you guys just destroy the heart?
Harvey Brown: You think we didn't try? The Wall*Mart stops you. Plenty of people have tried - Union leaders, nature activists, even the best fair-trade lawyers tried to stop the Wall*Mart and now? They are Wall*Mart shoppers all.
Breaker: All right. Come on you guys, we'd better get back. It's not as if we've got any other solutions, right? [They all turn and start to leave]
Harvey Brown: [Shaking his head] It won't work, don't you understand?! It isn't gonna stop until there's nothing but Wall*Mart left! Jesus, what did we do?? WHAT DID WE DO?? [The guys are at the doors, about to leave. Mr. Brown spins around on his stool] Guys! [They turn and see him take a gun to his head] Tell the world... Im sorry!
Aegix Dragon: Jesus, don't do it!

[Mr. Brown shoots himself through the temple and falls over on his left side, dead. Seconds later he craps through his pants, leaving a hole in them and a falled bar stool nearby. A few moments of shock pass, and then Cloral's mobile phone starts ringing. He answers it]

Darth: Ha! Told you. [He hangs up]
Cloral: ...how the hell does he do that?
Breaker: He's a Sith Lord, he can do all sorts of weird stuff.
Aegix Dragon: I wonder how he's doing with those script kiddies?

[CUT TO Darth being forced down a dark, dirty corridor by a bunch of script kiddies armed with M4s. His hands are tied behind his back and his right shoulder, the one he injured during my last 'epic', is stained with blood. Darth is not best pleased as the events that have led him here.]

Darth: If I hadn't made that phone call, you'd all be soooooo dead.
Script Kiddie: 5hut up! 0ur l33t hax0r p0w3r5 hav3 l3d u5 t0 v1ct0ry! Y00 sha11 pay f0r y0ur cr1m3s!

[Darth is led into what used to be a great hall that has fallen into disrepear. Mottzilla is chained to the wall, but when he sees Darth he manages to raise his head and smily weakly. Darth smiles back before being led onward to a computer chair placed upon a table. One of the script kiddies hits him in the back of the legs with his gun and Darth falls onto his knees painfully. He looks up as the chair spins round, revealing LightningZ, wearing some rubbish papier mache crown and a stained 'l33t hax0r' t-shirt. He stands up.]

LightningZ: Ah, 50 thi5 i5 th3 a55h0l3 wh0 ha5 b33n f0rcing u5 t0 r3turn t0 0ur pr3vi0u5 5av3 p0int5!
Darth: If you're gonna talk to me, at least do it in English, you moron.
LightningZ: 5IL3NC3! Y0u wi11 n0t disr35p3ct m3 in my n3w w0rld!
Darth: Oh for the love of...
LightningZ: Y0u 5ha11 pay f0r y0ur crim35!
Darth: God, shut up, you're giving me a headache... [Darth suddenly gets an idea and closes his eyes]
LightningZ: Th3r3 hav3 b33n t00 many r35tart5 b3cau53 0f y00! I hav3 d3vi53d a m05t appr0piat3 t0rtur3 f0r y00, my fri3nd, a m05t appr0piat3... [LightningZ stops in mid-sentance and puts one hand to his head] 0w! what... what i5 thi5? What i5 in my h3ad? [He clutches at his head with both hands in agony] Augh! Mak3 th3 pain g0 away! G3t it 0ut 0f my...

[Before he can finish his sentance, his head quite literally explodes. Brain matter and blood fly all over the room. The script kiddies panic and start running around as Darth finally opens his eyes. Seizing the opportunity, he runs over to where Mottzilla is.]

Darth: You alright?
Mottzilla: I'm surviving. What happened to your arm?
Darth: One of the little buggers whacked me in the shoulder with their rifle... managed to clip me right at the joint. It's gonna hurt for weeks... C'mon, let's get out of here. [Darth tears the binding holding his wrists together apart. Seeing Mottzilla's puzzled look, he smiles] Script kiddies. Can't do anything right to save their lives. Try it. [Mottzilla does, and finds that the chains aren't even locked.]
Mottzilla: Amateurs. I've got a ride out back - let's go.

[The pair run out of the building, and Darth sees that Mottzilla's ride is a Monster Truck.]

Darth: Sweet!
Mottzilla: What can I say? You were right. Now let's go!

...this exciting epic continues soon...

biggiy05

03-29-2007, 10:59 AM

1.5.0.11, and I'm getting pop-ups. I'm upgrading to the latest version as I speak. Well, type.

Session manager..

https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/2324

Darth Marsden

03-29-2007, 11:49 AM

Session manager..

https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/2324
Much obliged.

Pineconn

03-29-2007, 03:26 PM

I began wheezing, I was laughing so much. "Darth: Ha! Told you."

This is too excellent. I'm sorry that your "story" is so good that you are pretty much forced to post a few a day. :blah:

Darth Marsden

03-29-2007, 06:23 PM

...who's forced? I want to do it! And surely it would be 'stories'...

[Darth climbers onto the back of the truck while Mottzilla gets in the drivers seat. He turns the key and the engine stutters. He does this a few times as Darth grows impatient.]

Darth: C'mon! They're gonna be after us any minute!
Mottzilla: The damn thing won't start!
Darth: ...how's the gas?
Mottzilla: [He checks. It's on empty] Oops.
Darth: Dammit Mottzilla!
Mottzilla: I've been a little busy, Ok? Gas wasn't exactly the first thing on my mind at the time!
Darth: Honestly... you got any more?
Mottzilla: There should be a spare can round the back...
Darth: [Checks, he sees it] Yeah, it's there. [He sees script kiddies coming from the building] Great, that's ALL we need. I'll buy us some time. Get that thing fueled up!

[Darth jumps down from the back of the monster truck and moves to thrust his right arm out before grabbing it in pain. Remembering, he instead reaches out with his left hand and his lightsaber flies down from on to off a lamppost into his hand. He ignites it and starts slashing at the script kiddies who come pouring out of the back door. Meanwhile, Mottzilla reaches for the gas can, grabs it and fills up the gas tank. Finishing, he throws the can to the ground, shoves the gas cap back in and heads back into the drivers seat.]

Mottzilla: Darth! Let's go!
Darth: [Mumbling to himself] About bloody time. [He runs back to the truck and jumps onto the back] Floor it!

[Mottzilla does. The truck flies forward and Darth whoops like a redneck as they fly down the street. A few blocks down however, several script kiddies appear riding quad bikes and start chasing them

Darth: Dammit, we got company! You got any weapons on this thing?
Mottzilla: Sorry, they cost extra!
Darth: Figures. [He flings his saber backwards and it spins straight into one of the bikes, slicing off it's front wheels. It flips forwards and sends the driver straight into the tarmac as the saber returns to Darth] Can you go any faster?
Mottzilla: We're at top speed! That a problem?
Darth: No, just checking. [Darth repeats the process, but the quad bike swerves out of the way. The driver starts firing his gun at the monster truck] Dammit, they're actually learning!
Mottzilla: You're kidding!
Darth: Wish I were! Hard brake! [Mottzilla does just that. The quad bike rams straight into the back of the monster truck and the driver's gun flies straight into Darth's hand] Thank you. [To Mottzilla] Full throttle, if you would!
Mottzilla: Gotcha.

[Darth blasts one of the other quad bikes with the gun and it swerves into a lamppost. The driver goes flying]

Script Kiddie: 533? I hav3 u53d my aw350m3 hax t0 3nabl3 flying m0d3!

[He promptly smacks into another lamppost. Darth check the gun's clip - three bullets. He carefully takes aim and fires at another quad bike. The front right tire goes and the driver struggles to keep it straight. While it's turned slightly, Darth shoots the left rear tire out and the quad bike goes flying. He then turns to the last two quads and casually shoots at one of the drivers. Go into Slow Motion as we follow the bullet straight into the middle of the driver's head. He falls off the bike and it slows to a halt. The gun empty, Darth throws it at the remaining driver. It hits him square in the face, and he veers into another building, where it explodes. Darth grins maniacally as he turns round and faces forward]

Darth: That's the last of them.
Mottzilla: You sure?

[Mottzilla points ahead. The camera zooms forward to reveal a script kiddie with a rocket launcher aimed right at the truck.]

Rocket Kiddie: F3ar my 133t r0ck3t 5ki115!

[He fires the rocket. Speed back to the truck]

Darth: GET DOWN!

[Mottzilla does so as Darth throws his arm forward. The front and rear windscreen shatter and the rocket jumps upward slightly. It flies straight through the front windshield and right past Darth's face - again, in Slow Motion, so we see Darth turning his head and looking at the rocket as it goes past - before it flies onward and blows up of its own accord. CUT TO the rocket kiddie, who looks dismayed that his plan has failed. Too late, he realises he shouldn't be standing in the middle of the road, and he gets smacked straight in the face by the monster truck. A little blood flies through the open windshield.]

Mottzilla: Eww...
Darth: Ah, suck it up, ya baby. C'mon, let's get back to the Wall*Mart and let War Lord know we're done cleaning up.
Mottzilla: But it's all over my shirt...
Darth: How'd ya think I feel? I got blood on mine too!
Mottzilla: Yeah, but it's not script kiddie blood, is it?
Darth: ...Ok, I'll give you that.

[The truck speeds out of sight. CUT TO A stormy night in front of Wall*Mart. Aegix Dragon and Breaker arrive dressed in camouflage.]

Breaker: All right, this is it! If Wall*Mart has a heart, we have to find it and destroy it! No matter what the Wall*Mart does to try to stop us, we have to be strong! Let's do it.
Cloral: Rushes in and blocks their path, holding a pistol] I'm afraid not, Breaker! Wall*Mart is a great store! I can't let you fools ruin its terrific bargains! You see, I was working for Wall*Mart all along!
Breaker: ...yeah, I know.
Cloral: ...no you didn't.
Breaker: ...yeah, I did. You weren't very covert about it.
Cloral: ...how do you mean?
Breaker: ...you've always been defending Wall*Mart, right from the beginning, you were obviously the one who slashed the bus tires in Arkansas, and you were trying to get the Wall*Mart president to shut up, AND you made us stop and buy that gun on the way back for no apparent reason! C'mon, it was painfully obvious [Cloral babbles loudly to drown him out] you were gonna turn on us!
Cloral: [Hands over ears] I can't hear you! Lalalalalala! [Once he's sure Breaker is quiet, he uncovers his ears and holds out the gun again] I'm sorry, guys, but if you want to hurt the Wall*Mart, you'll have to go through me!
Breaker: ..great. This is all we need.

[In the distance, the monster truck can be heard. Suddenly it burst over into the car park and heads straight for the guys. Cloral turns and screams as it executes a handbreak turn, only for it to stop right next to him. He breathes a sigh of relief, only for Darth to jump down and whack him over the head with his unlit lightsaber. Mottzilla climbs out and starts trying to brush the blood off his shirt]

Breaker: Hey guys.
Darth: Hey. You got a plan?
Breaker: Yep. Go in, find the heart, kill it dead.
Darth: Cool. [They all start walking towards the entrance. Cloral gets back up, and Darth throws the saber at him without looking. It clonks him on the head and he falls unconscious as the saber returns to Darth's hand.]
Aegix Dragon: What happened to your arm, Darth?
Darth: What arm?

...to be concluded...

EDIT: Ack! Someone say something so I don't double post.

EDIT2: Seriously. Somebody praise me, damn it!

ZTC

03-30-2007, 10:42 AM

Dammit, someone else post!
Posting once moar in a legendary thread
This is pure gold, and it's prolly the only time Lightning Z makes sense.

Darth Marsden

03-30-2007, 12:20 PM

...thank you!...

[Aegix Dragon, Breaker, Darth and Mottzilla enter the store and walk past MasterSwordUltima, who's dressed in Wall*Mart employee clothing and greeting people as they enter the store]

MasterSwordUltima: Welcome to Wall*Mart.
Breaker: Cram it, ya corporate lacky!
Mottzilla: Where we headed?
Aegix Dragon: We've gotta find the television department. [The lights flicker and turn off. War Lord leaps into view in front of the boys, carrying an ax. The guys jump backwards and express surprise]
War Lord: Hey guys, these axes are only four ninety-nine.
Breaker: Dammit War Lord!
Darth: We know how to destroy the Wall*Mart!
War Lord: Shh! What are you talking about?
Breaker: One of the creators told us. You have to take your keys over to the television department.
War Lord: Television department... All right, come on, let's go! [The group moves down the aisle for some distance. Suddenly War Lord stops and jumps] Oh my God!
Mottzilla: What?
War Lord: Those two-dollar salt-and-pepper shakers! They were three dollars five minutes ago! The Wall*Mart is lowering its prices trying to stop us!
Breaker: Come on, we've got to try to make it to the back! [The group make their way to the back of the store, but War Lord can't help but look at all the bargains]
War Lord: Gaaahh! Don't look! Don't look at its bargains! [They come across a bunch of bikes priced at $29.99. They scream and run off. The guys run down another aisle, but War Lord isn't with them.]
Darth: I think I see the television department in the back!
Breaker: Is that the right way, War Lord? [He looks around, then turns to his right. Aegix Dragon turns to his left. Both of them see War Lord]
War Lord: This... this screwdrivier set is only nine ninety-eight!
Aegix Dragon: C'mon, we're nearly there!
War Lord: I can't make it, guys! You're gonna have to go on without me!
Aegix Dragon: But we need your keys!
War Lord: This bargain is too great for me! I'm gonna have to buy these! Here! Take the keys and go on! [He tosses the keys to Breaker, who catches them] The television department is near the back! Next to the cell phones! Go! Hurry! I'm gonna go buy these screwdrivers!

[The guys leave the aisle and reach the television department. The wall is lined with TVs of all sizes. A hand appears and presses a button, and all the TVs turn on, showing Breaker and Darth on screen. The camera pans over to the guys, who are looking at a man dressed in white.]

Man: Hello. Congratulations on getting this far.
Breaker: [Stepping forward] ...who are you?
Man: I am... Wall*Mart.
Darth: [Also steps forward] That makes absolutely no sense.
Wall*Mart: I've taken this form in order to talk to you. But I can take many forms. [He dons a bowler hat] Does this suit you better? Or perhaps you prefer this form? [He takes off the hat and puts on a robe] I can take whichever form I like. [He removes the robe and puts on a pirate hat and black patch over his left eye.]
Breaker: ...look, we don't want your store in our town. We've come to destroy you.
Darth: Right. So where's the heart?
Wall*Mart: To find the heart of Wall*Mart, one must first ask oneself 'Who is it that asked the question?' [Breaker and Darth look at each other]
Darth: ...me. I'm asking the question.
Wall*Mart: Ah, yes, but who are you?
Darth: ...I'm Darth Marsden. Or Chris, if you wanna be specific. Now where's the heart?
Wall*Mart: Ah. You know the answer, but not the question!
Breaker: The question is 'Where's the heart', you fruitloop.
Wall*Mart: Very well. You want to see the heart of Wall*Mart? It lies beyond that plasma-screen television. [The boys look to their right and walk over. They open a small door marked 'EMPLOYEES ONLY' and see themselves in a mirror]
Breaker: ...it's a mirror.
Wall*Mart: Yes, don't you see? That is the heart of Wall*Mart. You, the consumer. I take may forms: Wall*Mart, K*Mart, Target, but I am one single entity: Desire!
Breaker: [Turns to Darth] Well, the guy in Arkansas said to destroy the heart. [Darth ignites his saber and throws it into the mirror, which shatters]
Wall*Mart: Gaaah! NO! NO, what have you done?? [The building begins to rumble] Now you shall see my true form! [He removes the hat and eyepatch and puts on a baseball cap which reads 'Wall*Mart'] Now you see me as I truly am!
Breaker: We'd better get out of here. [Outside, Cloral wakes up and witnesses the Wall*Mart's self-immolation. Inside, the gang are making their way to the front doors]
Warlock: Get out! It's gonna blow! [The shoppers pay heed]
Breaker: Hey, come on! We've gotta get out!
War Lord: It's too late for me! I... I have to buy this stuff! [Darth bops him over the head with his saber and slings him over his good shoulder]
Darth: C'mon, this place is gonna blow! Everybody out now!

[CUT TO outside on the parking lot, night. The building begins to collapse as everyone gathers in the parking lot. The building implodes into a shining blue dot, then reappears as crap, which falls to the ground where the Wall*Mart once stood. Everyone looks on in astonishment, then Darth smiles and nudges Cloral]

Darth: See? Told ya. [He puts the waking War Lord down on the ground]
Kairyu: Guys, you did it! You killed the Wall*Mart!
PrrKitty: How'd you do it?
Breaker: All Wall*Marts start a self-destruction sequence if you break a mirror in the back.
War Lord: [Getting up] We... we know how to destroy it now. Spread the word to all the towns! [Nearby, a soldier sits at the ready to send out the news on a telegraph. At War Lord's command, he starts tapping rapidly]
Cloral: Wait. I think I understand the symbolism of the mirror. The Wall*Mart... is us.
Darth: Duh.
War Lord: No, I get it too. See, if we like our small-town charm more than the big corporate bullies, we all have to be willing to... pay that little bit more.
Cloral: Yeah. Let's all go shop at Riverman's down the street!

[The crowd approves and marches down the street. CUT TO Riverman's store, later. He reopens for business and the crowd flocks to his store. Later, the small store is replaced by a larger two-story building, which in turn is replaced by a huge building reminiscent of the departed Wall*Mart, which in turn leads to the store's demise by fire]

Crowd: ...Oh Lord, Kumbaya.
Cloral: All right, let's not make that mistake again.
Koopa: Yeah, let's all shop over at True Value!

[The crowd yell out in approval and move over to the store. Darth is left behind, his right arm now in a sling.]

Darth: God dammit.

THE END

ZTC

03-30-2007, 12:27 PM

That made my day; I can't wait for another one ^_^

Darth Marsden

03-30-2007, 12:57 PM

Another? Ay carumba!

moocow

03-30-2007, 01:15 PM

Fweeeeee! More more!

Darth Marsden

03-30-2007, 02:03 PM

...maybe.

Lemme rummage around my South Park DVDs and see if I can find another good episode to parody/rip-off/bastardise.

Prrkitty

03-30-2007, 02:31 PM

Darthy - you knew we'd want more :) Just don't let us wear ya out <hug>.

Darth Marsden

03-30-2007, 05:14 PM

I've got an idea for one or two, I'm just waiting to hear back from someone before I start another - trust me, there's a damned good reason for this. Also, it's a matter of tweaking them to suit my... 'purposes'. I have to do a fair bit of customization, even with the scripts available online.

Patience, people...

Pineconn

03-30-2007, 06:14 PM

I've got an idea for one or two, I'm just waiting to hear back from someone before I start another.

Pineconn to the rescue.

I'm kind of running out of ways to praise you, so I might do it in haiku from now on.

I love this story
It is really great and stuff
I now want more-y.

:D

Darth Marsden

03-31-2007, 07:06 AM

Thanks for that, Pineconn.

Anyway, I've heard back from that person I was waiting for, and they've asked me not to do what I had planned, which is perfectly understandable, given what it was. Give me a bit to come up with something else and then the parodies shall continue.

Glenn the Great

03-31-2007, 11:39 AM

Anyway, I've heard back from that person I was waiting for, and they've asked me not to do what I had planned, which is perfectly understandable, given what it was.

You're a pretty considerate guy. I would have likely just gone and done whatever it was, and then dealt with the fallout as best I could.

Darth Marsden

03-31-2007, 12:31 PM

Yeah, normally I would have, but when you consider that I was looking to find someone to replace Mr Slave in this particular episode (http://www.southparkstuff.com/season_8/episode_812/epi812script/), you can see why I thought it best to ask.

Pineconn

03-31-2007, 01:26 PM

Oh, I thought you meant you wanted one more person to post after your last chapter, not receive feedback from one person in particular. Gotcha.

..And I see why. That episode looks terrible.

Glenn the Great

03-31-2007, 03:22 PM

When this contest is done with, I'm going to make some of my own skits.

Darth Marsden

03-31-2007, 05:41 PM

...last one. For now.

[The AGN cafe, night. War Lord is closing up and is cleaning up while humming to himself in a contented manner. He's placing chairs upside down on top of tables when he hears a knock at the door. He answers it to find a square headed man and woman]

War Lord: Look, we're closed. Come back in the morning.
Man: Uh, we're not here for food. Are you War Lord?
War Lord: ...yeah.
Man: My name is Harry Gints and this is my wife Elise. We're from Canada.
War Lord: [Looks at them] Yeah, I can tell.
Harry: My wife and I used to own this restaurant a few years back. I'd inherited it and, well, we weren't ready for the responsibility of owning a store, so we... we put it up for sale. We heard you were the one who...
Elise: Oh God, Harry! [She rushes in] Look what they've done with this place!
War Lord: Ok, just what the hell is going on?

[A few minutes later. The new couple are sitting at one of the tables. After a minute War Lord comes from the back carrying three cups of coffee. He puts them on the table and sits down. Harry takes a sip from his drink]

Harry: It was a tough time for us. It was a tough time for all of Canada. The whole country was devastated by the cola wars. It just seemed we couldn't take care of a store, let alone a restaurant.
Elise: So we put it up on the market. But as the years passed, I, I just felt an emptiness in my heart. God, it's so good to see this place again!
War Lord: Well I wish you all the best, Mr. and Mrs. Gints, but to be honest, I think it would be best for everyone if you didn't come around again.
Elise: I don't think you understand. We didn't come to visit this place, we came to take it back.
War Lord: Wait... what?
Harry: We want to take back ownership off this place.
War Lord: WHAT? You gave this place up. You can't just change your mind!
Harry: Changing your mind is a Canadian custom that we hold quite dear. And besides, the new Canadian Prime Minister has issued a decree that all former Canadian property must be returned to it's original Canadian owners.
War Lord: The new Canadian Prime Minister? What are you, insane? This place belongs to me now!
Harry: It doesn't belong to you! It belongs to it's original owners... it's Canadian owners.
War Lord: Ok, that's it. I think you'd better leave. Now.
Elise: Please, don't make things difficult for yourself.
War Lord: Difficult for ME? You just waltz in here and tell me you're talking back MY hard earned property? Who the hell do you think you are?
Harry: We're prepared to go to court over this. We had hoped it wouldn't come to that, but if you're going to be this way...
War Lord: You're damned right I'm gonna be this way! I'll see you in court!

[CUT TO courtroom, a few days later. The Canadian couple are there, along with War Lord and most of the AGN regulars. War Lord stands before the judge.]

Judge: I'm sorry to say that my hands are tied. The new Prime Minister of Canada has authority this court cannot override. By Canadian law I must award ownership of the property to its original Canadian owners.
The Gintses: Yes!
War Lord: No!
MasterSwordUltima: Wait... where the hell are we gonna hang out now?
Warlock: [Turning to Darth, who's sitting next to him, his right hand in his pocket] Can't you do anything?
Darth: Not in a court of law. My parole officer made that quite clear.

[Outside the AGN cafe, which now has 'Sorry, we're closed' and 'Under new ownership' signs displayed. War Lord locks the door and hands the keys over to Harry Gint, overwatched by Warlock]

War Lord: Just... take care of it. Promise... promise me that.
Harry: Don't worry. We will.
Warlock: [Gives the Gints a look of disgust] You'd BETTER.

[The Gints recoil a little, then get into their car and drive away. Daarkseid looks on and watches them speed off before walking over to War Lord.]

Warlock: Can't we, I dunno, appeal or something? Maybe talk to this new Prime Minister of Canada?
War Lord: [Holding back tears] Appealing to the Prime Minister of Canada would take... time and money I just don't have.

[CUT TO another street. Daarkseid, Darth and Moocow are sitting on a bench running through a catalog which Darth has in his lap and is flicking through with his left hand. His right hand doesn't move from his pocket. He stops on the Doctor Who page and points to a Cyberman doll.]

Darth: That right there. The 12 inch tall fully flexible Cyberman action figure. THAT'S what I've ordered. I mean, everything else from this page is pretty good, but that thing in particular, y'know?
Moocow: Yeah, that would be pretty cool if you're into the show.
Darth: ...are you saying you're not?
Moocow: ...I just never really got into it.
Darth: I don't know you. You are a stranger to me.
Warlock: [Walks into shot] Hey guys. Can I talk to you?
Daarkseid: Sure. What's up?
Warlock: ...it's the cafe. I mean, it's been a week now and I just... I don't know what to do. I HAVE to try to go to Canada and speak with the new Canadian Prime Minister, but I can't do it alone.
Daarkseid: Look, we're all pretty down about it, but we'll find somewhere else.
Warlock: Please you guys, you don't understand. War Lord is devastated. Drunken Tiger just walks around the place like a zombie, and Beldaran can't stop crying.
Darth: Seriously? Beldaran's crying? Wuss.
Warlock: I've found the number for a really cheap airline to Canada. If we go as soon as possible, then-
Darth: Look man, we can't just up and go to Canada. The new series of Doctor Who starts at the weekend... it's like the social event of the century! [Moocow looks at him] Ok, year. Look, maybe we'll find some other way of getting the store back. Y'know, when the series has finished.

[The group start walking off. After walking a short distance, they find that most of the other AGN regulars have gathered around, holding some sort of meeting, which VEL is heading. They walk up and listen in.]

VEL: Ok, quiet guys. Let me speak. Now we know that War Lord has lost ownership of AGN cafe. So what are we gonna do about it?
gdorf: How about we get rid of all the Mexicans?
VEL: Gdorf, every time we hold a meeting you suggest we get rid of all the Mexicans, and every time we tell you 'NO!'
gdorf: ...rats.
VEL: Any other SENSIBLE suggestions?
Starkist: War Lord needs money to appeal that case to the new Canadian Prime Minister. How about instead of sitting around watching TV, we all take up a collection and try to raise money for him?
VEL: Yeah, that sounds good. Are we in?
Crowd: YEAH!
Saffith: How about we go one step further and cancel our TV licenses! Then we add the money we save from that to the collection!
Darth: [Slightly worried] Oh come on, that's just ridiculous... canceling your TV licenses... you wouldn't last a week!
Crowd: YEAH!
Darth: [Panicking] What? No!
Koopa: Yeah, I hardly watch the thing these days anyway!
Darth: [Losing it] You... you can't! Not this weekend! NO!
VEL: Ok, it's decided! We'll all cancel out TV licenses and give the money we save to War Lord!
Crowd: YEAH!
VEL: Let's get to it!

[The crowd quickly disperses as Darth falls to his knees]

Darth: KHAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!
Warlock: Look man, I'm sorry. But there is something we can do. We can go to Canada and see the Prime Minister like I said. If we can change his mind before Saturday, then these guys can get their licenses back in time for you to see your new episode.
Darth: [Getting up] You really think if we go to Canada I can still catch Doctor Who?
Warlock: It's worth a shot. Come on, you guys, we can do this.
Moocow: I'm up for it. I keep wanting to go on one of these adventures that have started have started happening lately.
Darth: Alright, fine, we'll go to bloody Canada. But so help you God Warlock, if this doesn't work and I miss the first episode of a show I've been waiting 9 months for, I am going to kick your freakin' ass.

...more soon...

Pineconn

03-31-2007, 07:00 PM

That's the old Darth! Great stuff! I was afraid we weren't going to get a new chapter today. :cry:

Darth Marsden

04-01-2007, 02:00 PM

...for the record, I did catch the new Doctor Who, but for some reason our Sky+ box decided to make BBC1 jump about, which was irritating...

[City Wok, night. A sign reading "Chinese Food For Teh Win" is displayed in the store, while the owner, Mr. Kim, sits at one of his tables with nothing to do]

Mr Kim: No business... Nobody wanna eat-a Chinese food. Looks like I might as well close. [A phone rings. He perks up and runs to get it] Oh boy! Some business! [He puts on his chef hat and grabs a notepad] Finally! [He grabs the phone and waits for the order] Herro? Chitty Wok, take ur orda prease! [CUT TO Warlock on the other end of the phone, with Daarkseid, Darth and Moocow in the background. Through the next sequence, it cuts between Mr Kim and Warlock]
Warlock: Uh, I must have the wrong number. We were trying to reach City Airlines.
Mr Kim: Oh, oh yes, just a moment prease. [He flips a sign over so it now reads "City Airlines" and switches to a captain's hat] Herro, Chitty Airrines. Can I help you take ur orda prease?
Warlock: Uh, we need to go to Canada. As soon as possible.
Mr Kim: Oooh, Canada. Ok, that's uh pretty far. Gonna cost ya a rot of money... hm... let's she. How many people?
Warlock: Four.
Mr Kim: Ok. Four people, Canada, cost a rot of money, that uh gonna be about ah six thousand five hundred daura.
Warlock: [He takes out his wallet and checks it] ...how about fifty daura?
Mr Kim: Fifty daura?! You flighn to Canada cost at reast three thousand daura!
Warlock: Fifty-five daura.
Mr Kim: Hey! Stop wasting my time wa fifty-five daura! No way I take my plane to Canada for less than a thousand daura!
Warlock: Ok. Sixty daura.
Mr Kim: Sixty-two daura.
Warlock: Done.
Mr Kim: Ok, meet me AGN Airfield, yellow Cessna, tail number 432G.
Warlock: Got it. [He hangs up]
Mr Kim: [Hangs up, then giggles] Hehehehe, never try to barter with a Chinese man.

[CUT TO AGN Airfield, night. A plane comes in for a landing in the background as the group approach the yellow Cessna. Darth is anxiously looking at his watch]

Darth: We have exactly fifty-two hours before the new series of Who starts. That means we have to be back in twenty-eight hours to still give ourselves enough time to renew our TV licenses so we can watch it and not get busted by those bloody cops who always seem to know about these things. Everyone synchronize watches on my mark. Mark. [They all sychronise their watches. Darth does this with some difficulty - his watch hand is still in his pocket]
Mr Kim: Herro, welcome Chitty Airrine. [Warlock and Darth move towards the plane. Daarkseid stops in his tracks, as does Moocow]
Moocow: Oh no, no no nono, I am NOT flying in that thing!
Daarkseid: Me neither!
Warlock: What? Why not?
Daarkseid: Look at that thing!
Warlock: What... it's fine. Come on!
Moocow: I am not going to die in a confined space with four people I barely even know!
Darth: Dammit, get in the plane before I throw you in there!

[CUT TO inside the Cessna. It's pretty cramped.]

Daarksied: Ah man, it smells like Kung Pao chicken in here!
Mr Kim: Okay, welcome aboard Chitty Airrines. This is your captain speaking. Rooking about a two hour fright. I'll be turning on the seatbelt sign now. If your seats have seatbelts, this is the time you will fasten them. Please sit back, relax, and enjoy your Chitty fright. [He turns off the intercom and takes flight after a small bump.]
Warlock: All right! We're going to Canada!

[Cessna 432G, day. The flight has clearly taken longer than two hours. The guys are sleeping in their seats - and so is Mr Kim. The plane begins to hit turbulence and lose power]

Mr Kim: Hey, turn off the right. ...Wha- oh! [A sudden noisy dip awakens the others]
Moocow: Wha... what's going on??
Mr Kim: Herro from the cockpit, this is your captain speaking. As you can see, it appears that we are goin' down. Now would be a good time to refrect on your rife, and pray to whatever deity you bereive in. Thank you for flying Chitty Airlines. We know you have a choice in airlines, and it looks like you made the wrong one. [He quickly puts on a parachute and opens his door to drop away]
Daarkseid: Hey, where the hell are you going?! [Mr. Kim jumps out and away. A few seconds later he pulls the rip cord and the parachute comes out]
Moocow: Quick, wake Darth!
Warlock: [First prods Darth, then hits him, then in frustration slams his head into the back of the seat] Dammit, he's out for the summer! Someone grab the controls!

[Daarkseid jumps into the front seat, grabs the controls and tries to steer the plane, with limited success. The plane makes a steep descent and crashes onto the ground. It flips over and crumples up, resting near a town. A lone 'Ow' is heard from Darth as the group scrambles out of the rubble and walks into the town. A pair of legs is seen at a nearby bench, but no head is shown. The guys are aware of being watched.]

Warlock: Guys... I don't think we're in AGN anymore... [As they look in one direction, four Canadians pop up from some bushes and look at them. They drop back into the bushes before the group turn back around]
Canadian Man: Eh-xcuse me? [A head pops up over the legs at the bench] Uh, is this an invasion?
Moocow: ...no.
Canadian Man: Oh thank heavens! It's okay. Everyone, it's not an invasion! [People come out of their hiding places. A man pops up out of a manhole mumbling something as the others mill around]
Warlock: Hey! We're in Canada!
Canadian Man: Well of course you are! And Canada Friends welcomes you!
Canadians: [The people start singing] Welcome, friends, to Canada! Canada Friends loves you!
We're just like any other country without the big tattoo!
Sailor: [Walks up, sings his line] We greet thee with pleasure, but one question, if we may?
Businessman: [Walks up and joins him in singing] What brings you folks to Canada? Why are you here today?
Warlock: Uh...
Daarkseid: A Canadian couple came over and took over our cafe, and we wanna talk to the new Canadian prime Minister about getting it back.
Canadians: [Still singing] Their cafe is their quest. The question is, is what? You must talk to the new Prime Minister if you think hangout is back there.
Darth: Oh, Jesus Christ.
Scott: [Walks into shot] Hey! What the hell is going on?!
Canadians: It's Scott! AAAAHHHH! [They all take off in different directions]
Moocow: What's the big deal? We've got a Sith Lord.
Darth: ...a Sith Lord with a freakin' headache, mind.
Scott: [Fixes his gaze on the group and approaches] A-ha! Americans! I should've known! You think you're the police of the world! You think you own Canada! Well, you aren't welcome here! Get out now!
Darth: I've had enough of this. [Ignites his saber and holds it threateningly] I'm a bloody Brit, and I'm armed, so piss off, you sodding little twat!
Scott: [Backs away] This isn't over, you American scum! I swear to God: you'll rue this day!! [Runs off]
Man in Barrel: [Emerges from hiding along with everyone else] God, what a dick!
Darth: [Turns saber off] Look, we don't have a lot of time here, Ok? Can you just tell us where the new Prime Minister is?
Doctor: The new Prime Minister doesn't live in this part of Canada. He's in Ottawa. [The other Canadians concur]
Warlock: So how do we get to Ottawa?
Wrestler: Oh that's easy. You just have to follow the road.
Daarkseid: Which road?
Firefighter: This is Canada. We only have one road. [He moves to one side and the crowd splits in two to allow the group through]
Priest: [Starts singing] Follow the only road
Man: [Also singing] Follow the only road
Canadians: [All singing] To go anywhere in Canada, you just follow the only road.
There's only one road in Canada. We call it the Road, the only road.
Hip-hip, hooray, let's hear it for our Road.
Road Workers: It's paved and wide and up to code.
Darth: [Holding his head in his left hand - his right is still in his pocket] Let's get the hell out of here.
Moocow: Word.
Canadians: [Still singing] You're off to see the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister of Canada!
Doctor: Good-bye, friends! Good luck with the new Prime Minister! And remember to watch out for Scott! He's a dick!
Canadians: Good-bye, good-bye, see ya, good luck, etc.

[The group walks down the only road, unaware that Scott, the dick, is watching them from behind a tree. He smiles evilly and starts jabbering away into a walkie-talkie.]

...more later...

Pineconn

04-01-2007, 02:39 PM

That chapter was gold
Ew, what am I sitting on?
I think it is mold.

...Hey, I never said that my haikus would be any good. But I don't think you'll be able to catch Doctor in the story anymore.

Glenn the Great

04-02-2007, 10:15 AM

Okay, the contest is over. Figure out who won, and let me know. Then we'll figure out how I'm going to get the prize to the winner.

moocow

04-02-2007, 11:26 AM

I think we know who the winner is :P

elise

04-02-2007, 12:36 PM

Yeah there is no question who the winner is and I also want to read more of it :)

Darth Marsden

04-02-2007, 03:20 PM

Okay, it's done it again. I'm in the middle of typing up the next bit of this thrilling epic, and suddenly Firefox leaps back a page, making me lose all my work. You know what? I don't want to do this anymore. Firefox hates me. It keeps having all these freaking pop-ups that I just can't stop no matter how many plug-ins and extensions I use and it's swallowed my work twice now and... Sniff IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!! All-out cries

I'll try again tomorrow, when I can summon up the energy to do so. Sorry to make you wait so long. Blame Firefox. I do. Grr.

moocow

04-02-2007, 04:02 PM

KICK IT!!

It may not make it work but you'll feel better.

Glenn the Great

04-02-2007, 04:02 PM

Pineconn

04-02-2007, 10:18 PM

Really? Beldaran's was pretty good... :p

Yeah, this was no contest to begin with. Darth just has a pure talent... of copying other TV shows.

Darth Marsden

04-03-2007, 05:04 AM

You know, there is a secret to making these posts. Always write your posts in notepad, then copy them over to the forums when you are ready to post. You will never be sorry that way. It's what I do.

Yeah, but that's the EASY way. :D ...wait, I won? I won! I never win anything! Yay me! What do I win? A bunch of anime pictures? Oh...

[The road, sometime later. The group are walking onwards while Darth is checking his watch. He's taken it off his permanently-pocketed right hand and is holding it in his left]

Darth: Twenty hours until Who starts. We'll still have time to renew our licenses IF we hurry. [A mountie appears before them]
Mountie: Ahoy there, travelers.
Daarkseid: Who are you?
Mountie: I am Rick, the proud Canadian Mountie. [The camera zooms out to reveal that he's riding a sheep]
Sheep: Baaaah.
Moocow: I thought mounties were supposed to ride horses.
Mountie: [He hangs his head in shame] Yes. Yes, we are. But our funding has been cut and now we're forced to ride...
Sheep: Baaaah.
Darth: ...yeah. Look, if you don't mind, we're in a rush to see the new Prime Minister.
Mountie: [Perking up] You're going to see the new Prime Minister. Oh, I would so like to meet him myself. It's his strange new laws that took our horses away. Perhaps I will go with you.
Warlock: That's okay, we'd rather just go by ourselves.
Mountie: Follow me this way! [Starts singing as Darth puts his head in his hand] We're going to see the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister of Canada!

[The group, along with new recruit, continue down the road. The gang soon overtake the mountie, who encourages the sheep to speed up. When it doesn't, he sighs, gets off the sheep, picks it up and runs after the others. Zoom out to reveal that Scott is monitoring their progress over remote cameras]

Scott: Power-hungry Americans! I'll fix you! [Suddenly his walkie talkie comes to life. He picks it up]
Darth: I'M BRITISH, YOU SON OF A BITCH! [The walkie talkie goes dead]
Scott: ...how the hell did he do that?

[CUT TO further down the Road. Rick and the gang are passing through another town as Darth gets out his watch and checks it again]

Darth: Oh Jesus, eighteen hours. We're running out of time!
Mountie: All right boys, prepare yourselves. We're about to enter... French Canada.
Moocow: French Canada?

[Before them, lots of French Canadians cavort like it's Disneyland, with circus performers of all stripes doing what they do best. They start singing as Darth puts his hand over his ear. Realising this doesn't work, he presses his free ear in to his shoulder and winces a little]

French Canadians: There'z no Canada like French Canada, it'z za bezt Canada in ze land.
Ze ozer Canada is hardly Canada. If you lived here for a day, you'd understand.
Mime: Honh honh honnnh! Welcome to French Canada.
Hockey Player: We have everyzing your heart could desire. Trapezes. Trampolines. And lots and lots of cheese.
Artist: [He takes off his mustache and offers it to the group] Would you like a moustache?
Mountie: Just stay calm, boys. French Canadians are a little... odd. [Behind them, two of them walk by. One is dressed in blue and looks a bit like an alien. The other is dressed something like He-Man, with long flowing locks]
Warlord: Yeah... uh, don't mind us... we're just passing through to see the new Prime Minister.
Mime: Well first you must answer that phone. [He makes his left hand into a phone receiver with his little finger and thumb] Ring-ring. Ring-ring.
Darth: We don't have time for this!
Mime: You cannot pass through French Canada unless you take zat phone call! He holds out his 'phone'] Ring-ring. Ring-ring. [Daarkseid responds by making his right hand into a similar phone and answering]
Daarkseid: ...yes?
Mime: Allo! If you are going to see za new Prime Minister, then I want to go with you. He has passed a new law forbidding us French Canadians to drink wine.
Artist: How can ze French not drink wine?? Travestie!
Daarkseid: Ok, fine, you can come with us.
Mime: Honh honnnh! Very good! Let us make haste!

[The French Canadians escort the boys out and on their way with the Mime and the Mountie before bursting into song again. Darth repeats the process of covering his ears]

French Canadians: There'z no Canada like French Canada, it'z za bezt Canada in ze land.
And ze ozer Canada.
Mime: Is a bullzhit Canada
French Canadians: If you lived here for a day, you'd understand. [The group leaves the town behind]
Mime: I think you'd understand. ...You understand.

[SOmetime later. The group have arrived at Newfoundland. It's a dark forest, somewhat reminiscent of my back garden.]
Mountie: Oh my! This certainly is a desolate place!
Mime: It reminds me of death and fear. [Darth smiles at this in a 'I'm home' sort of way]
Warlock: Look, how much further to Ottowa?
Mountie: We must be very close now.
Scott: [Jumping out in front of them] Ey! What are you doing?!
Mountie: Ack! It's Scott!
Scott: What are you two doing helping these Americans?! Don't you know America thinks it owns Canada along with the rest of the world?!
Darth: For the last freakin' time, I'M BRITISH!
Scott: No, you're a dick! And by helping these guys, you two are just as smelly as they are! Now I'm going to get you!
Fisherman: [Exiting a nearby house with a fish in his left hand and a pole in his right] Not a-hire, Scott!
Scott: Who the hell are you?!
Fisherman: I'm Steve the Newfoudlander. And you'er on Newfoundland property now! Get off before I have you arrested!
Scott: Never! [Darth ignites his saber again] Ugh! This isn't over! Not by a long shot! I'll fix you. I'll fix all of you!! [He leaves in a huff. Steve draws closer to the group as Darth puts his saber away]
Mountie: Woo, that was a close call. Thank you, kind Newfie!
Warlock: God-damnit, I've had about enough of this. We need to get to the new Prime Minister... NOW!
Steve: Oh yeah, the Prime Minister, eh? He sure has screwed up things for Newfoundland. Life just hasn't been the same since he made sodomy illegal.
Mime: Well, come with us! Maybe you can ask him to take his sodomy ban away.
Darth: Whatever, can we just get going?
Steve: Yeah, sure, except there's just one problem.
Daarkseid: What?
Steve: You folks are goin' the wrong way.
Daarkseid: What?? But I thought there was one road in Canada.
Steve: Yeah. And you all went the wrong direction on it.
Mountie: Ohh, that's right. Ottawa is that way. [He points behind the group]
Mime: Of course. Ottawa left, Newfoundland right!
Moocow: [Grimacing] Oh no!
Darth: [Glaring at the mountie] How could you be so stupid!
Warlock: There's no way we can go all the way back. We'll never make it now!
Mountie: It's Ok, guys. The power is inside us to get to Ottawa! We can wish ourselves there!
Mime: Ah yes, let's wish ourselves there. [The three Canadians close their eyes and wish real hard]
Mountie: [Peeking with his left eye] Is it working?
Darth: Oh, God-dammit! Well I warned you Warlock! I told you if I missed the start of my show we were gonna throw down! [He puts up his fist] Well it's on! We're gonna have it our RIGHT NOW! [He grabs Warlock by the collar]
Steve: [Now in his boat at the end of a dock] Of course, we could always take my boat, eh?
Mountie: Oh yes! On the river we could travel to Ottawa in no time!
Warlock: Well come on! [Everyone hops into the boat]
Steve: Ok, next stop, the new Prime Minister. [The boat leaves the dock and goes on its way]
Warlock: Do you think we can still make it in time?
Darth: We'd better, man. Or you're dead.

Pineconn

04-03-2007, 03:42 PM

Yes! Even the British make fun of the French! :D

Uh... let's see...

This part was better;
It is so Wizard of Oz;
Will Scott get wetter?

(Meaning Scott is like the witch, who died when she got wet, so I assume that Scott will die somehow. Y'know, I had to rhyme "better" with something.)

moocow

04-03-2007, 04:01 PM

More more!

Pineconn

04-03-2007, 05:10 PM

Yes yes!

In other news, why the heck do I have that URL in my sig? After clicking on it, it takes me to a website where I can download the source code for Zelda Classic. I don't know if I should download it or get rid of the link completely. I swear I didn't put it there.

Pineconn lolz

04-03-2007, 05:30 PM

Wait, ZC is open source? time to get hacking.

Darth Marsden

04-03-2007, 05:37 PM

...last bit.

[The Parliament building, dawn. The whole party pull up to the small dock at one end of the grounds. They all climb out, Darth leading the pack]

Steve: Here we are at the Parliament buildin'.
Mime: Ze Prime Minister is inside.
Darth: [Rushing towards the building] Well come on, let's hurry! It's almost time!

[The rest of the group follow him up to the Parliament building entrance. Warlock knocks on the heavy wooden doors. A wooden panel opens up to reveal a window. A doorman looks out through it]

Doorman: Yeeeeeeeees?
Warlock: We need to see the new Prime Minister.
Doorman: Ha! Impossible! The new Prime Minister isn't seeing anybody! [He slams the window shut]
Mime: Oh well, zo much for zat. [He turns around and slowly walks away]
Steve: Yeah, we gave it our best, but our best wasn't good enough, eh? [He joins the Mime]
Warlock: No no no, I'm not having that. He's gonna see us, one way or another. [He knocks on the door again. Steve and the Mime turn around]
Doorman: [Opens his window again] Yeeeeeeeees?
Warlock: Look, we've come from way, way out and we are ging to see the Prime Minister one way or another. So let us in already!
Doorman: [With a big smug grin on his face] The Prime Minister isn't here. He's in China on official business. So you might as well go home. Bu-bye!
Warlock: [Defeated] Then that's it. We... We're never going to get the cafe back... [He walks away and sits on the stairs leading up to the building]
Darth: What? Oh no, you're not getting off that easy. Let us in before I rip you open and rearrange your organs in alphabetical order.
Doorman: Of course not, you English pig!
Darth: THANK YOU. Wait... I'm not a pig, you Canadian piece of crap!
Doorman: You don't frighten us, English pig-dog! Go and boil your bottoms, son of a silly person. I blow my nose on you, so-called Sith-Lord, you and your silly English K...kaniggets. [He puts his hands to his ears and blows a raspberry]
Daarkseid: ...what a strange person.
Darth: Dammit, you miserable excuse for a human being, let us in already!
Doorman: I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal, food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
Moocow: ...is there someone else there we can talk to?
Doorman: No. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
Darth: [Suddenly twigs] Jesus, have you only just seen that film or something?
Doorman: Smelly English K...niggets ... and Monsieur Sith Lord, who has the brain of a duck, you know. We outwit you again, perfidious English mousedropping hoarders ... how you say: "Begorrah!"
Darth: Oh Jesus Christ...
Doorman: How you English say: I one more time, mac, I unclog my nose towards you, sons of a window-dresser! You think you could out-clever us Canadian fellows with your silly knees-bent creeping about advancing behavior. I wave my private parts at your aunties, you brightly-colored, mealy-templed, cranberry-smelling, electric donkey-bottom biters.
Daarkseid: What the hell is he babbling about?
Darth: It's a British thing, you Yanks wouldn't get it. [To the doorman] Last bloody chance. Let us in or I really let loose.
Doorman: No chance, English bed-wetting types. We burst our pimples at you, and call your door-opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
Darth: That's it. I'm gonna kill them all. [He raises his left hand and the Doorman starts to chock. Darth closes the hand into a fist and a loud, audible snap is heard. The Doorman hangs from the window, dead]
Moocow: Oh my God, you killed a Canadian!
Daarkseid: You bastard!

[CUT TO inside the Parliament building, facing the outer door. We see the Doorman slump onto the floor and then Darth's lightsaber piercing through the door, cutting a large hole in it. Once it's gone round in a complete circle, it flies across the room into a large group of soldiers. Darth and Co. TM move into the building. The remaining guards start towards them, but stop when Darth turns towards them, his eyes burning red. The group walks down a long hallway and approach a large sanctum with three fire pits. Two small ones burn before and on each side of the huge one, which sits at the center and has a hologram of the Prime Minister hovering over it]

Prime Minister: I am the Prime Minister of Canada, and all that. Now whaddya want?
Warlock: [Steps forward] Sir, you recently passed a new law allowing Canadian land owners who have given up their old properites for whatever reason to change their minds and take it back. Our whole comunity was-
Scott: [He suddenly appears with the Gintses, holding the keys to the Cafe] Not so fast, you American scum!
Darth: Right, that's it. [He throws his saber at Scott and nicely slices him through the middle. He falls apart as Darth's saber returns to him. The others look at him] What? He knew I was British, I told him twice. Don't look at me like that.
Warlock: [Turning back to the Prime Minister] Please, sir. I came because I don't think we should have our cafe taken away from us like this. Owning a property isn't about who legally owns the building, it's about the people who run it, who visit it, who help maintain it. Sure, maybe it wasn't built by us in the first place, but we've taken what we aquired and made it so much more. A community center, a focus point for us all to relax and enjoy each others company. So many friendships have been founded there, it almost seems like a family's front room. Please... don't take that away from us. [The Gintses have tears in their eyes]
Prime Minister: That is a great speech, guy. But the answer is no! All of my new laws will stay in effect forever!
Mountie: Then, I suppose us mounties will never get our horses.
Mime: And we won't get our wine.
Steve: And we can't perform sodomy, eh?
Moocow: ...why are you making such strange laws? I mean, no wine? No horses?
Darth: Yeah, what's up with that?
Prime Minister: I SAID GO!
Darth: Actually, you never did say that.
Prime Minister: ...whatever. Just get out. Now!
Warlock: [Noticing a purple curtain nearby] ...I hope to God that's not what I think it is.
Prime Minister: What? No, leave that alone.
Warlock: [Clearly he doesn't. Pulling it back, he reveals LightningZ behnd it, cramped behind a console] What the hell?
LightningZ: Uh oh. Uh, don't mind that guy hiding in the spider hole, he's just my friend.
Daarksied: What the hell's HE doing here?
Moocow: He must have thought this was hell. Darth did kill him and all.
Mime: But zis explains everything! Za new Prime Minister was a zcript kiddie, trying to take over our beloved Canada like Saddam Hussein before him.
LightningZ: No! I was just... I... Oh, 5hit.

[The remaining guards all pounce on him. His screams are utterly pathetic, sounding more like a cross between a pregnant woman and a drowning cat. The group turn away]

Mountie: Wait a minute. This means all the Prime Minister's new laws are null and void. We can have our horses back!
Mime: And we can drink our wine.
Steve: And I can sodomize me boys again.
Harry Gint: [Picking up the keys from Scott's body and walking over to Warlock] You... must really care about that cafe to have come all this way.
Elise Gint: Perhaps we were wrong to try and take it back. It doesn't belong with us here. It belongs with it's family.

[Harry hands over the keys to Warlock, who smiles gratefully. Suddenly an alarm goes off. Darth pulls out his watch and looks at it]

Daarkseid: What is it?
Darth: It's started. We officially missed it. Doctor Who's starting right now and... I'm in Canada.
Warlock: Well yeah, but ah-we got the cafe back.
Darth: Yeah! We got our cafe back, but I missed Doctor Who! And what did I tell you, man?! told you that if we didn't make it back in time for the new series I was gonna whup your ass, didn't I?!
Warlock: Come on, man. There'll be repeats!
Darth: Well now you're gonna get it! That's right! You and me! Right now! We're havin' it out! Let's go! Come on! Come on!!

[Darth puts up his left fist, his right hand still in his pocket. Warlock reluctantly meets Darth's challenge and after dodging his swing, whacks him on the right arm. Darth suddenly freezes and clutches the arm in agony, falling to his knees as he does so]

Moocow: Oh, now why did you do that?
Warlock: What?
Moocow: You knew that was his bad shoulder!
Daarkseid: Yeah, he's done nothing but complain about it for the past month!
Warlock: ...oh yeah.
Moocow: 'Oh yeah'? That's all you've got to say?
Warlock: Well look, why did he take the sling off?
Daarkseid: It kept getting caught in doors!
Warlock: ...right, yeah, it did. Well look, I thought it had healed!
Moocow: There was a reason he kept it in his pocket! [Looks at the camera] Did you at home figure it out?
Mountie: [Wandering over] Is he all right?
Warlock: Yeah, he's just upset 'cause he missing the new Doctor Who.
Mountie: Oh, but he can watch it here! We pay for a third of that show, you know. Come on, we'll watch it on the big screen!

[They fiddle with the wires behind the giant floating head and the picture changes to show that Doctor Who is just starting. Warlock helps Darth up and together they sit down and watch it. A caption reads '45 minutes later' as the show finishes]

Daarkseid: Well, that was crap.
Warlock: Yeah, absolute rubbish.
Darth: [After a slight pause] ...dammit!

[B]THE END

That's it, done. Glad you all enjoyed them, since aside from Firefox screwing around, it was actually pretty fun to do. And I have honestly never gotten so much green rep over a single thread before, The Ultimate Joke Thread (http://www.armageddongames.net/forums/showthread.php?t=90810) included.

So yeah, I'm done with these. No more South Park rip-offs. BUT if you're very, VERY good, I may let you see the first chapter of a novel I've been writing. But you'll have to be on your best behavior!

Pineconn

04-03-2007, 06:22 PM

Let us in before I rip you open and rearrange your organs in alphabetical order.

LOL! I remember [that (http://www.armageddongames.net/forums/showthread.php?p=1114319#post1114319)] now! :D (You asked what games were bad, then you said if anyone said ET that you would rearrange our organs in alphabetical order, so I said it for fun. Then that was your response. XD)

Ahh, that was a great read. Once I can give you more rep, I think I will. Well, one last one:

O ye gods, ye gods,
Why must it end? Well, this sucks.
Time to go chop logs.

That was my best haiku ever! Okay, not. Whatever. That really was a great story/TV show/parody/play/skit/fic. But one problem - it needs a title.

Darth Marsden

04-04-2007, 04:27 AM

Titles, you say?

- Not Dead Yet
- Customer Satisfaction
- Episode 1

And don't worry about more green rep, I've got plenty as it is.

Pineconn

04-04-2007, 08:22 PM

BUT if you're very, VERY good, I may let you see the first chapter of a novel I've been writing. But you'll have to be on your best behavior!

I swear that wasn't there before.

I've been real good the past few days, ma. :)

Glenn the Great

04-05-2007, 12:48 AM

Note: The image for this thread is currently down, and will be restored later.

Now that the contest is over, I can participate!

Announcer: Now, the show you've all been waiting for.....

"AGNerds"!!!!!!

-The opening starts to play, with some cheesy radical surfer style music, lots of crazy camera action, featuring various AGNerd antics. This goes on for a little while, until you hear a record rapping noise as the music cuts.

-War Lord steps onto the scene in full wigger garb, backwards hat, and microphone. The camera zooms out a bit to accomodate him.

-Gangsta rap music starts playing as he starts to rap about caps and cops as Moocow dances, and Goat is in the background squatting and crossing his arms, over and over again.

-Someone in the audience starts to boo.

-The music cuts, and the camera changes to the back of the audience, where we see Lightningz standing up in his seat saying....

Lightningz: u suk, worlord! be quite

-We see Breaker, dressed in a red Power Ranger outfit, walk up, grab Lightningz, and then drag him off the set.

*****Camera goes back to War Lord.*******

War Lord: Alright homies, it's time to do this.

-Goat nods.

War Lord: We're about to have 2007's AGN Convention! We've finally sold enough Premium Memberships to rent out the Ohio State Fairgrounds for a whole day!

War Lord: What do you niggers think?

-The audience cheers and hollars.

War Lord: Everything is going to be there. Can you say Poker? Can you say Beer? Can you say Wii?

-Audience cheers.

War Lord: Well, to be specific, we really only raised enough to pay my way. Unfortunately, you all will have to pay your own way in. But we'll have a lot of fun! Come on!

-War Lord waves his arm in a "come here" motion.

******* Transition to Ohio State Fair ***********

-It's a bright, sunny day outdoors at the Ohio State Fairgrounds. We see a line of AGNerds at the toll booth, handing over large wads of cash, getting their hands stamped, and walking into the park, where they all start to congregate on the grass in a nearby open area.

-In this scene, we can see War Lord, Goat, Glitch, Biggiy, Moocow, Goki, Ganonator, Archibaldo, Master Ghaleon, Cyberkitten, Dechipher, MrCow, AMaster, and Daarkseid. Some of them are playing together on their Nintendo DSs.

War Lord: Good to see most of my bitches are here! We just need 3 more people, and we'll have enough people to attempt to set a new record for piling people into my ride!

Biggiy: Who are we missing?

Glitch: Starkist is still supposed to get here.

War Lord: Damn, we're still going to need two more....

-Starkist is seen walking onto the scene, holding hands with two unknown males who appear to be in their late teens.

Goki: G'day mate! Who's with ya?

Starkist: Hope you don't mind me bringing along my two new boyfriends. Meet Harvey..... and Talyn.

AMaster: They're gay! Ewwwwwww!

-Ganonator walks over to AMaster, kicks him, grabs his nipple, and twists. AMaster cries out in pain.

********** Transition to a rickety fench in an overgrown area on the outskirts of the fairgrounds **********

-Here we see Lightningz and ZeldaFan500 creeping up to the fence. They are both holding PDAs.

Lightningz: k, were here

ZeldaFan: What r we doing again?

Lightningz: get reveng on AGN for baning us

ZeldaFan: What r we going to do?

Lightningz: sneek in convenshun. they got zc source on disk in clubhose. u spy on worlord. and frends. pda has internet. send pm on agn forms when coast cleer. i chek, go in cubhouse, taik source

ZeldaFan: i sure hope u know what ur doing......

********* Transition to War Lord's car **********

-War Lord's lowrider is packed with people. Everyone but Dechipher is packed in the car.

War Lord: Almost there! One more for a new record! We can do it, bitches. Squeeze in Dech!

-Dechipher examines a few doors, trying to find a place to squeeze in. He places a foot inbetween Ganonator and AMaster, and tries to force his way in.

-Hacking and coughing is heard from somewhere inside the car.

Daarkseid: Can't.......breathe...... asthma....... attt......

Glitch: Ghaleon, I told you not to eat those Carnival Beans!

-Ghaleon is seen with a doleful look on his face.

Moocow: He'll die!

War Lord: Alright niggers, out of my wheels, fast....

-The car shakes, and shakes, and no one can get out. They are stuck.

******** Transition to a treetop. The car is seen a few dozen yards away. **********

-ZeldaFan is in the treetops with binoculars. He grabs his PDA and starts typing a private message on AGN.

ZeldaFan>>>>> War Lord and all his friends are stuck in their car. They can't get out. You have time. Move.

Lightningz>>>>>> shur? how u knwo?

ZeldaFan>>>>>>>> I'm hiding up in a tree just a few hundred feet from War Lord's car.

Lightningz>>>>>> u bee seen?

ZeldaFan>>>>>> No, it's a good tree. Biggest one at the park. Lots of branches. Good for hiding.

Lightningz>>>>>>>> i taik source. keep lookowt

*********** Transition to AGN Clubhouse **********

-Lightningz is seen sneaking very stealthily into the clubhouse. It has a big banner colored in markers that says "AGN Convention 2007". He looks around, and finds a desk. He opens the drawers and starts fumbling around.

Lightningz: Ahahaaaaaa!!

-Lightningz pulls out a CD ROM labeled Zelda Classic v 2.4 Source (Win/Linux). He places it on the desk, and pulls out his PDA.

Lightningz >>>>>>> i find source. we leeve.

<submit>

-Lightningz stares at his PDA for a few moments

Lightninz: dam slow servur. i gonna offur worlord hosting. i got 200 survers. fiber optik

-Lightningz stares at it a bit longer.

-Footsteps are heard

Lightning: fastr... fast....

-Here we see Breaker stride quickly into the room in his red power ranger outfit. He walks without hesitation towards Lightningz.

-Lightningz turns, cries out, and starts to run, but stumbles a bit.

-Breaker is too fast. He reaches out, grabs Lightningz by the back of his coat, easily lifts him off the ground, and carries him out of the clubhouse.

-Lightningz is wailing and thrashing his legs, struggling to no avail to break free.

-Breaker pulls out a pair of handcuffs, shoves Lightningz on the ground, steps on his neck, and cuffs his hands together as Lightningz squirms on the ground, his yelps muffled in the dirt.

http://glenn.hotarubi.net/breaker.jpg

-Breaker then proceeds to carry Lightningz off the screen like he's carrying a bag of trash.

*********** Cut to the large open area from the beginning of the fair scene ****************

-We see that all the AGNerds are gathered around a cattle cart that is now parked in the grass, hooked up to the back of War Lord's car. ZeldaFan is already in it, locked inside.

-Breaker opens the cart. ZeldaFan tries to dash out, Breaker kicks him back in, and throws Lightningz on top of him, quickly slamming the door shut and relocking it.

Lightningz: u got cot too?

-ZeldaFan's lip is trembling.

War Lord: They thought they could steal the source. We've called the FBI, and they'll be here any minute now.

Lightningz: how u know my plan? it too good to be fail.

-A loud swoosh is heard, along with a familiar tune from Zelda: Wind Waker.

-Dark Nation flies onto the scene riding a magical flying carpet.

Dark Nation: I think I can answer that!

AMaster: DARK NATION!!!!!!!

-AMaster drops to the ground and bows, as most of the AGNerds kneel in respect.

Dark Nation: *chuckle* *chuckle* They shouldn't have been so foolish as to be discussing their plans on AGN's Private Message system. I just recently coded a hack with my l33t programming skills allowing me to read all AGN members' private messages.

Dark Nation: Let that be a lesson to you all. Never say anything in PM that you don't want the whole world knowing, or at least the Admins!

-Everyone has a look of awe on their face.

Dark Nation: And with that being said, I am off. Much work to do, many custom enemies to code!

Dark Nation: Squaddalah!!!

-With Dark Nation's command, the carpet takes off into their air, and sails out of sight, once again with a whoosh, and a familiar Wind Waker tune.

-Ooohs and aaahs are heard from the crowd.

Glitch: Time to punish these fuckers.

********* Camera cuts to Master Ghaleon, as he mouths down a spoonful of beans ********

-We see ZeldaFan and Lightningz, tied to the ground, as Master Ghaleon squats down right above their faces and smiles.

********** Freeze Frame ********
-Directed by Glenn the Great
********** Roll Credits ********
********** Audience Applauding as Credits Roll *********
***** (c) Glenn Corps. 2007

Darth Marsden

04-05-2007, 04:46 AM

Ha! Good stuff. But where was I?

Glenn the Great

04-05-2007, 11:40 AM

Ha! Good stuff. But where was I?

You were too cool to be at the convention. But you'll definitely show up in a later episode, just wait and see!

Darth Marsden

04-05-2007, 01:42 PM

...forgiven. This time.

Pineconn

04-09-2007, 01:19 AM

You were too cool to be at the convention. But you'll definitely show up in a later episode, just wait and see!

*waits*

*waits*

*works on Level 9 of his quest*

*waits*

Glenn the Great

04-09-2007, 01:49 AM

*waits*

*waits*

*works on Level 9 of his quest*

*waits*

Don't rush me, I have to have time to foment in my creative juices.

ZTC

04-09-2007, 11:57 AM

that was different

bigmariofan360

04-10-2007, 06:28 PM

hey lol i dont type that bad... btw if u use my name its always supposed to have a lowercase z. put in something about me yelling 'all your base are belong to us' lol
~zeldafan500

Pineconn

04-10-2007, 09:12 PM

no u sure dont type that bad lol rofl

My daily advice: Look at that key right below the Caps Lock and the two keys that are situated directly to the right of the M key. Use those three keys habitually.

So Glenn, how is your fomentation going?

Majora

04-10-2007, 09:46 PM

If anyone makes a story, put me in it! If it's not too much to ask, don't kill me (in the story).

Pineconn

04-10-2007, 10:58 PM

How about a mortal injury that places you into a lengthy coma?

;)

Darth Marsden

04-11-2007, 06:02 AM

Generally when I did my 'stories', I put people who were well known in them - either through post count, mod status or just pure legends (hence LightningZ appearing all the time as an irritating little prick).

I'm not saying that someone won't include you in their story, I'm just explaining why I didn't.

And I do have an original (shock horror!) idea floating around in my head if you folks would like me to do another story. Just ask nicely, mmmkay?

Majora

04-11-2007, 07:27 AM

How about a mortal injury that places you into a lengthy coma?

;)
:shakeno:
As long as I wake up eventually.

Pineconn

04-11-2007, 05:23 PM

:shakeno:
As long as I wake up eventually.

:D

And I do have an original (shock horror!) idea floating around in my head if you folks would like me to do another story. Just ask nicely, mmmkay?

http://smilies.vidahost.com/cwm/cwm/eek2.gif

Glenn the Great

04-12-2007, 12:29 AM

Note: The images for this thread are currently down, and will be restored later.

Alright people, a new episode is in the works, but won't be ready tonight. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have it. In the meantime, you'll get some other content to tide you over. Here are some bios of characters who have featured prominently in my episodes, and/or will likely feature prominently in the next.

AGNerd Profiles and Bios

War Lord:
http://glenn.hotarubi.net/ag/warlord.jpg
The Mac Daddy. The Big Cheese. The Pimp Daddy of everything AGN, War Lord runs his show, and he calls the shots. BANG! War Lord works really hard to keep everything in shape at AGN (or is that hardly works.) Either way, War Lord is not only fancies himself an entrepreneur, but judging by his looks, he's also quite the culinary connesiour. Watch your friends... and your wallet.
Combat capable: No
--------------------------------

Breaker:
http://glenn.hotarubi.net/ag/breaker.jpg
AGN's 2nd and current Prime Protectorate. As War Lord's top bodyguard, Breaker maintains the status quo though the use of brutal and efficient discipline, carried out without any hesitation or show of emotion. Little is known about Breaker's origins. He has laid the BanHammer on dozens of heads, and rumor has it that no one can stop him.
Combat capable: Yes
------------------------

Lightningz:
http://glenn.hotarubi.net/ag/lightningz.jpg
An dumb, old, beaten down dog. That's the best way to describe this unfortunate creature. Borderline retarded and dyslexic, lightningz lives in a deluded fantasy world, and his only means of restoring self-esteem is through the wanton destruction of AGN. Sadly, every attempt has failed miserably, and oftentimes humorously. It is said that his two closest friends are a parakeet and a tarantula. The parakeet does his typing, and the tarantula looks it over for errors.
Combat capable: No
------------------------
Zeldafan500:
http://glenn.hotarubi.net/ag/zeldafan.jpg
Newest sidekick of lightningz, zeldafan is young and naive. He is certainly smarter and more level-headed than lightningz, but lacks the assertiveness to make anything of it. He enjoys munching on mushrooms, even if it makes him sick. If it gets him out of school, it's worth it.
Combat capable: No
----------------------------

Glenn the Great:
http://glenn.hotarubi.net/ag/glenn.jpg
Long having been an exile, Glenn was AGN's original Prime Protectorate. His exploits have largely faded into legend in the hearts of those who yearn for glorious times past. To some, a defender of chivalry..... to others, the blackest scum of the Earth. In the eyes of the new, he is an annoyance. But the hearts of those old enough to know his power quake at the mention of his name.
Combat capable: Yes
-------------------------
Lilith:
http://glenn.hotarubi.net/ag/lilith.jpg
The Queen of Cute, Lilith is sexy enough to get away with insulting your intelligence. You probably deserve it too. War Lord has been considering expanding his ring of operations to include forced prostitution, and has already begun having his cronies stalk her. What will come of this?
Combat capable: Who knows?
------------------------------------

Darth Marsden:
http://glenn.hotarubi.net/ag/marsden.jpg
Always in the shadows...... watching, waiting, and planning. Darth Marsden hasn't shown up on the show yet, as he painstakingly waits for just the right moment to swoop in and Have His Revenge...... or something a little more original than that. The Dark Side prevents us from seeing clearly just what he has in store.
Combat capable: Yes

biggiy05

04-12-2007, 02:18 AM

But the hearts of those old enough to know his power quake at the mention of his name.

Glad we aren't going for realism in these stories.

Darth get back in your corner and write another story before I have moocow pistol whip you.

Glenn the Great

04-12-2007, 02:20 AM

Glad we aren't going for realism in these stories.

Darth get back in your corner and write another story before I have moocow pistol whip you.

Haha, yeah, Mr. May 2004

Darth Marsden

04-12-2007, 05:46 AM

Well, if you're gonna be like that, I won't write it. :p

Nice picture of me, by the way. I look more like this though:
http://mokkori67.free.fr/dvd-trailer/Cloud_Shades/Cloud_Shades7.jpg
...fear me, bitches. Fear me.

moocow

04-12-2007, 01:19 PM

War Lord:
http://glenn.hotarubi.net/ag/warlord.jpg
The Mac Daddy. The Big Cheese. The Pimp Daddy of everything AGN, War Lord runs his show, and he calls the shots. BANG! War Lord works really hard to keep everything in shape at AGN (or is that hardly works.) Either way, War Lord is not only fancies himself an entrepreneur, but judging by his looks, he's also quite the culinary connesiour. Watch your friends... and your wallet.
Combat capable: No

Holy crap, how old is that picture?

http://a541.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/41/l_75085609b2be7bc877c2fb0e2b742ed4.jpg

He doesn't even look the same. o.O

SUCCESSOR

04-12-2007, 05:59 PM

... moocow pistol whip you.

Sorry, but I really can't see moocow pistol-whipping anybody. Rather, I'm more inclined to seeing her take a floppy cyberskin type "power dong" that she'd used to win all those IRC penis contests and place in a mock "you know who's your daddy" pose and a laying it across your face in a thrust causing an exxaggerated *SMACK* sound and snickering at the flinchy, intimidated little bitch she knows you are. Such a visual appeases the designated AGN Fantasy portion of my brain.

::NOTE:: name removed from quote to make clear that this was not intended as an attack or flame and was directed at noone in particular. Thank you. This has been a message from SUCCESSOR's lawyer super-ego.

Glenn the Great

04-12-2007, 06:02 PM

Right. Moocow fights with a long floppy dildo that has a weight enclosed in one end so she can use it as a sap.

moocow

04-12-2007, 06:05 PM

Yeah, I'm not one for guns unless I'm shooting them. I do prefer giving someone a good ol' fashioned dildo beating.

Ya'll know me so well :)

Majora

04-12-2007, 08:08 PM

The last few posts (from Glenn's Pics/Bios post) to the one right before this one, are a story right there.

Majora

04-12-2007, 08:10 PM

...fear me, bitches. Fear me.

No thanks.... I fear the easter bunny more :P

Glenn the Great

04-12-2007, 09:21 PM

The last few posts (from Glenn's Pics/Bios post) to the one right before this one, are a story right there.

I was hoping you'd think so, because I don't have time to finish today. Sorry about that.

But when I made the bio post, I was trying to give you enough material to work with using your imagination to maybe make at least a backstory.

Pineconn

04-12-2007, 10:13 PM

Well, that's a pretty good backstory. Might even be better than the main story. >_<

Glenn the Great

04-12-2007, 10:27 PM

Here are some tidbits of what is in store:

The episode will mostly take place in AGN's true physical headquarters... an abandoned Ohio roundhouse.

In the basement of this roundhouse is the Zelda Classic Research and Development Centre, where Dark Nation and bigjoe work as mad scientists, engineering a legion of abominable Custom Enemies who will serve as the backbone of a future AGN Army.

We will see at least one "custom enemy." Also...

There will be an epic confrontation between Breaker and Glenn the Great.

Expect the Lilith storyline to be followed up on. Moocow will use her dildo. Lightningz and Zeldafan probably make cameos. Darth Marsden might.... well, that's too secret for now.

Darth Marsden

04-13-2007, 10:49 AM

Ooo... sounds good.

And now, some random fun. I have far too much free time...

[The AGN Cafe. Everyone is relaxing and having a good time, when suddenly SUCCESSOR bursts in through the front door.]

SUCCESSOR: Everybody! Love! And Peace! (http://zanyvgquotes.com/finalfantasy8/ff8-peace.jpg)
Darth: [Looking up] What you say!! (http://zanyvgquotes.com/zerowing/zwintro.gif)

[SUCCESSOR collapses on the floor. Pineconn rushes over and checks him]

Pineconn: Cats is still alive. (http://zanyvgquotes.com/zerowing/zerowing-ending.png)
Darth: I feel an urge to do something useful! (http://zanyvgquotes.com/lufia/lufiausefulurge.png)

[Darth runs outside. There are a group of thugs outside, one of whom holds a monkey.]

Darth: Its you!! (http://zanyvgquotes.com/zerowing/zwintro.gif)
Thug: This monkey is going to give you a spanking, Shupkay!! (http://zanyvgquotes.com/breathoffire2/bof2spank.png)

[The thug with the monkey throws it at Darth. He brings out a banana from his coat and throws it behind him - the monkey chases after it.]

Darth: Did you think you could beat me! Go home! (http://zanyvgquotes.com/fatalfury/fatal1-beatme.png)
Thug: Son of a submariner! (http://zanyvgquotes.com/finalfantasy3/ff3-submariner.png)
Darth: Who are you! (http://zanyvgquotes.com/finalfantasy2/who.png)
Thug: I am a superstitious old man (http://zanyvgquotes.com/phantasystar3/superstitious.png)
Darth: Is that true! (http://zanyvgquotes.com/finalfantasy2/ff2-isthattrue.png)
Thug: I'm such a feeble-minded old man, I don't understand. (http://zanyvgquotes.com/phantasystar4/ps4feeble.png)

[Pineconn leans out the door and watches the scene]

Pineconn: What happen ? (http://zanyvgquotes.com/zerowing/zwintro.gif)
Darth: They're committing indiscriminate thefts! (http://zanyvgquotes.com/mysticalninjastarringgoemon/goemon-indiscriminate.png)
Pineconn: Well, gramps... You heard the man! Make like a tree and get out of here! (http://zanyvgquotes.com/tacticsogre/to_biff.jpg)

[The thugs turn and leave.]

Darth: You are sucking gravel. (http://zanyvgquotes.com/streetfighteralpha2/sfa2suckgravel.png)

...So bored. So, so bored.